Laser Stories (3/4/26)

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3:04It's the radio setting that wants to make a small change to the Miss America pageant, and only allow orphans to participate. What? The broadcasts get cuts in half, because they don't have as many people to think at the end. Oh, wow. No parents, no siblings, just get in, get crowned, get out. I was waiting for the punchline, because I'm like, it's going to get better. Yeah, it got worse. Yeah. You don't support orphans? It's laser stories. The segment where we read weird news stories around the globe, just like everyone else does, except we've got a laser. There's other solo sashes just don't. They've got a lot of brothers and sisters to thank. This first laser story is out of tensed Idaho. Is that any of the town there? Well, obviously, if you're reading it, you're from Idaho, so. Yeah, I know, but I don't know every town in the whole state. Wow. Wow. Yikes. Sorry. They didn't cover that in the state history and fourth grade. Well, out of Idaho, a 50-year-old woman named Helens Stolker crashed her car into a deer the other day,

4:06and when it happens in every town, for sure. When cops got there, she told them exactly what happened, because it wasn't her fault. Oh, yeah, it was a deer's fault. I'm sure it jumped out. Nope. She blamed Bigfoot. Bigfoot, like, threw the deer at her? Well, apparently, as she was driving, she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Okay. Bigfoot chasing some deer over on the side of the road. Wow. I wonder how he does hunt. Does he just run him down? Is he tackle him? I always thought he was a vegetarian for some reason. Oh, no. I didn't think that. I thought he was a plant-eating guy. Oh, I could see that he doesn't have claws. Yeah, he goes like the soup plantation. I'm sure. When she looked in her rear-view mirror to watch him, she took her eyes off the street and hit the deer. No. Sadly, Helen's description of the beast was pretty vague, saying the creature was about seven or eight feet tall with hairy feet, hands, and head, and shockingly, the cops weren't able to track him down. Oh, you suck!

5:07I bet that that town put all their resources into it for at least three days, though. I mean, what else have they got going on? As far as we know, she wasn't hurt in the crash. Afterwards, the county sheriff commented, saying he's fine with Bigfoot lumbering around the woods and terrorizing squirrels. But if he's making people's car insurance rates go up, I think that's going to be a big problem. Yeah. That's not going to be covered on her shirts. Come on, Bigfoot, be cool. Get your act together. This next laser story is out of Sullivan County, Tennessee. A 56-year-old woman named Deborah Lingerfeld lives in a rural area. And last week, she got mad at her neighbors for their music. Come down, Bigfoot. When she yelled at them, quote, that is duck music. So how would you like me to come over there and duck you in the face? Oh! Don't know what duck music is. Me either. No clue what duck music is or how you would duck someone in the face. I imagine the music having a lot of trombones for some reason. It feels pretty ducky to me. Whatever it is, clearly it all made sense to Deborah and she was ready to act on her threat.

6:10That's why she went into her house, grabbed her gun and fired off eight shots. A polio! A polio! She's duck hunting. Yep, that's right. Oh my gosh. Fortunately, none of them hit anything. And then she pulled out her harmonica and started playing it, apparently to show her neighbors what good music sounded like. Oh! Hey, we got a spoon. You want to do it? Get the banjo, Pa. 10 minutes later, Cops showed up and arrested her for aggravated assault. No word on if they let her bring her harmonica to jail, but I'm hoping that they did. I think they have to let one person have a harmonica. It's a pocket instrument. It feels like it's fine. At least a prison pocket. A prison needs more duck music. That's for sure. This next laser story is out of Beverage Bay. The indoor water park chain, Great Wolf Lodge just announced a new menu item that's raising some eyebrows. It's for a limited time. They'll be selling a ranch milkshake. Creamy. Yeah! Out of here, dude. What, you're going to enjoy it?

7:10I'm not going to look at it. I'm not going to look at it. Oh, the green wolf lives. As you can imagine, people are generally horrified. Yeah. It looks like a vanilla milkshake with a lot of green specks. I wouldn't have refused to look over that picture. The concoction is vanilla ice cream blended together with ranch dressing. Yeah. And then topped with whipped cream, carrots, celery, and a piece of crispy chicken. Oh! God, why would they just give their recipe out for anybody to make it home? The rim, because I'm not done, the rim is lined with a lime salt as well. Oh, that's the green stuff on the rim. To top off the already salty sweet and ranchy treat. Oh, yeah! What, Alexis, you don't want to throw some rum in there? Oh, how long does it take? It cooks this in the pool there. Yeah. I'm going to go with two sips. Yeah. Well, the big question we're not asking, how does it taste? They say it has a front-forward vanilla flavor with savory herbs and spices to kick up the aftertaste.

8:11Oh, my God. It's being released in honor of National Ranch Day next week. The shake will only be available to March 20th. Oh, bummer. And it'll set you back $3.10. They only need to have like one pack of a ranch stock. One person will buy this. What kind of white women are you? Not supporting ranch in all of its forms. Well, that's because it's not mixed with more mayonnaise. That's the problem. OK, get on it. Great. We'll launch male ranch. Maybe we could do a tuna milkshake next. Beautiful. We've got the ideas. Let's go to your final laser story out of Pucker Up Paradise. What do you want? If you were asked how many people have you kissed in your lifetime? Wait, people have a count? Yeah. Would you know the answer right away? No. Would it take a minute to figure out or would it be so impossible because like Brooke, your 20s were a little hazy. Yeah. Wow. Oh, he's a paradise. Should I love kissing people in bars? I just loved it. I mean, I just loved it back. But yeah, just turn around and kiss me.

9:11Well, a recent survey asked over 6,000 people to reveal their kissing stats. And this is for romantic kissing only. Platonic kisses do not count. Oh, that's good. But here's the results. Kissing five to 10 people was the most popular answer by far. What? 20. Only kissing five frogs before they find their forever one. Oh, got everybody finds a forever one, right? I don't know. Some people jump right to the prints and don't have bother kissing. Did I just get to tell you? You need a larger sample size to figure out what's good. I don't know if this is good advice. Yeah, it is. It really, kiss them all. All right. It's just kissing. Jeff, what's the big deal? Whoever you're next to right now, turn and kiss them. Yeah. Over 20% claimed that was their number. Five to 10 across their lifetime. 19% of people say they've kissed two to four people over their life. We're going to. Yes. What was the max? Some people have like self-respect and don't just throw themselves at every moving thing. That's nothing to do with self-respect.

10:12It's fun, Jeff. Live life. Get out there, make out with people. Or maybe just make out with the same person a bunch of times. God, boring. You have a full life for that. 12% say they've kissed. This will make you happy. 26 or more people. There we go. Here we go. It's realist, yes. I mean, it's just kissing. Can you get pregnant from kissing? OK, we got it. So scientifically speaking, around one in six people are getting busy with their mouths. Five% say they've only kissed one person their entire life. And 3% have kissed zero. Those are the people ordering ranch milkshakes to give them some excitement in their mouths. As for this guy, he normally doesn't like to play tonsil hockey and tell. But if you're curious, he will tell you he's made out with over 26 Adidas high tops. And that's just since breakfast this morning. So the 6th is high. Going tongue to tongue. And that's how it means laser stories has come to an end for the day. We'll do it again same time on Friday.

11:13All cat parents understand the feeling of being totally ignored by your cat. And often thinking, does my cat even love me? There's only one solution to solve that. Sheba, feature cat, Sheba, and go from feeling ignored to truly adored in 12 days guaranteed or your money back. Sheba has a menu of products, appetizers, entrees, treats, and even a kitten's menu. So sheba has a product for even the pickiest eater. Like Sheba Puree, made with bone broth, a smooth and creamy texture that cats love. Or Sheba grilled. Protein rich formula made with real chicken and seafood. To learn more, check out Sheba.com. It's tax season. And by now, we're all a bit tired of numbers. But here's an important one you need to hear. $16 billion dollars. That's how much money and refunds the IRS flanked for possible identity fraud. But it's not all grim news. Lifelock monitors millions of data points per second and alerts you to threats you could easily miss on your own. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it. Guaranteed. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com slash iHeart. Terms apply.

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