"I Rebounded...Are We Doomed?"

0:00Freight rail does more than move goods. It drives America's economy. Every dollar invested generates another $2.50 in economic activity spurring growth from farms to factories. And here's the best part. Freight railroads fund their own infrastructure, saving taxpayers' billions while powering the economy forward, from reducing highway congestion to delivering goods safely and efficiently. Freight rail keeps America moving. Learn more at AARC.org such America's engine. Life's busy. Don't let banking slow you down. Whether you're paying bills, setting savings goals, or just splitting the check. Atlantic Union Bank makes managing your money easier. With helpful people and user friendly tools, we make sure banking with us fits you. Call, visit us online, or drop into an Atlantic Union Bank branch today. Atlantic Union Bank. Anyway, you bank.

1:00Few things are as uplifting as the greatest moments in sports. And nothing brings us together quite like Team USA at the Olympic Winter Games. From NBC Universal's iconic storytelling to the innovative technology across Xfinity and Peacock, Comcast brings the Olympic Games home to America, sharing every moment with millions. When Team USA steps onto the world stage, we're not just watching. We're cheering together. This winter, we're all on the same team. Comcast, proud partner of Team USA. Hello and welcome to Reimagining Love. I'm Dr. Alexandra Solomon. I have been studying relationships for over 20 years as a couples therapist, a professor, an award-winning author, and as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Now, I'm inviting you into this space each week as I dig into some of the toughest and most

2:02fascinating relational dilemmas of our time. If you want to discover how to create vibrant and loving relationships in your own life, you have come to the right place. This is Reimagining Love. Hi there. Welcome back to Reimagining Love. We are together today for a brand new solo episode just you and me, and you know when we tackle a solo episode together, we're going to be heading into some facet of intimate relationships that feels tangly, that feels confusing, and where there is an abundance of so-called conventional wisdom that I am going to want us to think critically about together. And you know what I always say is that we are never going to make intimate relationship dynamics easy or simple, but we can make ourselves brave and savvy. So let's tackle the rebound.

3:10So maybe you are here with me today because you are fresh out of a breakup and you have crossed paths with someone you're interested in, but you're scared that pursuing this feels rebounding and therefore foolish and doomed. Or maybe you are seeing someone who themselves is recently out of a relationship and you are worried about becoming there rebound. Or maybe you've had concerns about a rebounding couple who is part of your relationship world or maybe you're just curious about the process of how we heal between relationships. Wherever you are coming in from, I'm glad that you're here and I feel hopeful and confident that you're going to leave with something useful. So to keep things simple, I'm mostly going to be speaking to you as if you are the person who is self-identifying as the rebounder. Our plan is we're going to talk about rebound relationships, look at some of the rhetoric around them, and then I'm going to offer you a framework

4:14for how to do a rebound with relational self-awareness, i.e. how to keep a new relationship healthy while you're also continuing to process whatever your last relationship left you with. And if you're the partner of somebody who is rebounding, you're going to be able to repurpose my framework for your own situation. As I always say, relationships have the power to wound us and the power to heal us. So let's dig in and see how you can make a rebound work for you, both in terms of your healing journey and how to support the well-being of your relationship. Okay, so rebounds are generally understood as getting into a new relationship, quote-unquote quickly, after the breakup of your last relationship with the assumption being that you didn't take quote-unquote sufficient time to process the end of your last relationship.

5:14And you know, culturally we have this like collective spectrum. One end of the spectrum is unhealed slash no time between relationships. And the other end of the spectrum is totally healed slash abundant time between relationships. Can you picture that spectrum? It's like no time at all, jump from one to the next with no healing. Then the other end of the spectrum is plenty of time, lots of healing, mindful space between relationships. That's how we imagine the spectrum. And the belief that is embedded in the spectrum is that the people who wait a nice long time between relationships are well healed and ready to love again. And the people on the other end of the spectrum who moved quickly between relationships are unhealed, i.e. rebounding, and they're doing a disservice to themselves,

6:21they're doing a disservice to their new partner, and they are sort of disrespecting the memory of their last partner. But in my experience, this equation or this kind of merging of time and healing isn't quite right. I think when we imagine that spectrum, what we're saying is time equals healing, right? The more time between relationships, the more healing between relationships. And that doesn't fit with my experience. From where I stand, from what I know from my work, the more accurate equation is this, time plus intentionality equals healing. So it's not time equals healing. It's time plus intentionality equals healing. Healing doesn't just take time. It takes time plus intentional effort toward integrating the loss of the last relationship

7:27gleaning the lessons from the last relationship, learning about yourself, connecting the dots, settling your body from the inside out, and being ready to open up again. So that equation shows us that there's actually two separate variables. Time is separate from what you have done with the time. And so if we separate those variables, rather than a spectrum, you now actually have like a two by two square, right? These are different dimensions. The fancy term is their orthogonal dimensions. They're separate from each other. So imagine now in your brain, rather than that spectrum of having you imagine, I now want to imagine a two by two square that gives us actually four types of people. Type one people have taken lots of time and they've invested lots

8:29of intentional energy in their healing, right? These are the people that took time between relationships. They use that time well. They are healed. They're ready to love again. And they have the support of the world behind them, because the world would say that there has been enough time that has passed, okay? Type two people, they've taken lots of time, but there's been no intentionality. Now here, the world is going to assume they're ready to love again, because the world would say that an appropriate amount of time has passed, but they actually haven't processed the last relationship, and they actually are bringing in all of that unexamined reactivity into their next relationship. They're sort of white knuckling their recovery. But what's sneaky is because there was, you know, what the world would say was ample time from relationship one into relationship two,

9:31they're going to have the support of the world behind them. They're not going to be seen as rebounding, but they're kind of emotionally rebounding because they haven't, they've just sort of like white knuckled the time between relationships, okay? Type three people have taken very little time between relationships, and they also have had no intentionality. This is, you know, what we typically think of when we think of rebounds. So here, the world is judging them because they've kind of jumped from relationship one into relationship two, and the world may be kind of onto something, because they're jumping from relationship one to relationship two, and they probably are bringing lots of reactivity from the last relationship into this one, and they might be trying to avoid the pain of the loss by kind of hiding out in a new relationship. But then let's be careful because we don't want to forget about the type four people. These people have taken very little time

10:33in between relationships, but there's been lots of intentional effort to heal. These type four folks are kind of getting, you know, my bad rap here. The world is misunderstanding them. The world is very likely judging these type four people is rebounding, right? Because there wasn't a whole lot of time between the last relationship and the new relationship. So the world is probably deeming them to be impulsive, irresponsible, saying, oh my gosh, can you believe it? It's so soon. But what the world can't see is that even in the absence of a long amount of time, the type four people did their work. They readied their hearts, they readied their minds, they readied their bodies to love again. So the date on the calendar doesn't tell the full story. So that's just an, I'm inviting you to kind of tease this apart and add some complexity here. And I want you to consider with me that time and what you do with time are two different things. It's why the

11:37conventional wisdom around rebounding deserves some scrutiny. The amount of time someone has been single is genuinely not a reliable metric for how ready they are. Somebody can be single for like, three years and find themselves completely triggered in a new relationship, making comparisons and flooding and exiting and saying they weren't ready. Meanwhile, somebody else may have been mentally checked out of their relationship for months before it officially ended. And processing the relationship while still technically in the relationship and they may arrive at a new connection in a much more grounded place, ready to truly meet this new person, you know, in a space of openness and readiness. And you know, we have this collective fascination with intimate relationship dynamics. It's why there are seemingly an unlimited number of reality TV shows about dating. It's

12:40why I am never, ever short of things to talk about on this podcast. And part of that fascination exists because love makes us feel so incredibly vulnerable. The stakes are high, the risks are real. So we go looking for these magic formulas. We want a guarantee up front that we're not going to get hurt and that we're not going to hurt somebody else. And it leads us to fixate on numbers. You know, we're looking for these kind of concrete metrics or ways that we can kind of check the box that we're going to be okay. So why we focus on things like how many dates should you wait before you have sex with your new person? How many times a week should a couple be having sex to have a happy relationship? How long should you wait in between relationships? And every single one of those cases, we're searching for the number that confirms that we're normal, the number that promises that we're going to be okay. And like I said before, love is always going to refuse

13:43to be simple, but we can become increasingly able to sit with nuance and complexity and uncertainty and trust ourselves. Trust ourselves to be on a path that doesn't look like the way the world is told it's supposed to look because oftentimes the world's efforts to determine how it's supposed to look are a reflection of the world's collective anxiety and difficulty sitting in all of the shades of gray. I want to share with you a personal story here. Years ago, there was somebody in my family who became widowed at the age of 58 after a long and happy marriage. And she started dating within like, I mean, maybe it was two years, maybe even like a little less than two years, there was lots of concerned discussion among her family. Had she truly dealt with her grief, was she pursuing this new relationship to avoid her grief? And honestly, there was like another

14:45layer to those concerned conversations that was this kind of sneaky judgmental layer that was like, was she disrespecting the memory of her first husband by pursuing love again? And I remember her saying to me something that was so illuminating. She said basically paraphrasing, you know, far from disrespecting the memory of my first husband, my interest in loving again is a tribute to him. In loving him, it was my relationship with him that taught me in the first place that love is transformative, that love is important, that love is really vital, that matters, it's worth investing in. And so that's how I see it for myself. I'm dating again in an honor of him. I share that story because it highlights that time itself tells us little to nothing. What matters far more is the process the person has gone through to grieve and rebuild. And the meaning that

15:49the person has made of the last relationship as they step into the next relationship. So if your ex-partner moves into a new relationship quickly after ending things with you, I know that situation can evoke such intense feelings. It can evoke envy and anger and a deep sense of unfairness. It also can create a sense that you feel like you must not have meant very much to them or that you are really easy to get over. And there can be this temptation to slide from sadness into shame and self-criticism. Knowing that they are with someone new can feel sad, that makes complete sense. But I want to really challenge you here that it is a significant stretch to take that data point as any kind of evidence or truth about you. The fact that they have moved

16:53on tells us something about their process and tells us little to nothing about you, your worth, who you were as a partner, et cetera, et cetera. And maybe the case that they had sort of emotionally left the relationship with you long before the breakup happened. And that is sad. And that is unfortunate. But there again, it tells you something about their difficulty making a decision, enacting a decision, processing their own self-doubt. It does not tell you anything about your worth. And it could be the case that they are rushing in to something new, to prove something to themselves, to avoid the grief, to avoid the guilt. Your work, no matter what, your work is to let their process be their business and to return yourself to your business. What's your business? Your business is rebuilding yourself, investing in yourself,

17:57investing in your friendships, investing in your family, cultivating practices that bring you joy, that bring you curiosity, that seed the possibility of what your life gets to be now. Your business is basically pouring into yourself. Freight rail does more than move goods. It drives America's economy. Every dollar invested generates another $2.50 in economic activity spurring growth from farms to factories. And here's the best part. Freight railroads fund their own infrastructure, saving taxpayers billions while powering the economy forward, from reducing highway congestion to delivering goods safely and efficiently. Freight rail keeps America moving. Learn more at ar.org slash America's engine. Life's busy. Don't let banking slow you down. Whether you're paying bills,

19:02setting savings goals, or just splitting the check. Atlantic Union Bank makes managing your money easier. With helpful people and user-friendly tools, we make sure banking with us fits you. Call, visit us online, or drop into an Atlantic Union Bank branch today. Atlantic Union Bank. Anyway, you bank. Few things are as uplifting as the greatest moments in sports. And nothing brings us together quite like Team USA at the Olympic Winter Games. From NBC Universal's iconic storytelling to the innovative technology across Exfinity and Peacock, Comcast brings the Olympic Games home to America, sharing every moment with millions. When Team USA steps onto the world stage, we're not just watching. We're cheering together. This winter, we're all on the same team. Comcast, proud partner of Team USA. One iced coffee. 99 cents please. For real? No way.

20:07One iced coffee. 99 cents please. For real? No way. What a deal. Your new morning groove. Ice coffee from McDonald's, any size for just 99 cents to 11 a.m. Pricing participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Before you begin your road trip, ask yourself, do you really need five full suitcases? With the 2026 Kia Sportage X Pros class leading cargo space, you'll have room for what you need. Find out more at your local Kia dealer today. Keep the adventure going. Kia, movement that inspires. Call 800-333-34K for details. I always drive safely and obey all traffic laws. Comparisons based on second-row legroom and cargo space behind second-row seats in the subcompact SUV class according to Kia segmentation as of October 2025. nerdy little note from the research land that may surprise you. There was a study that came out last year in the archives of sexual behavior that actually found benefits to beginning to date

21:12soon after a breakup. So these researchers found that people who stayed single after a breakup struggled more frequently with rheumatative thoughts and painful memories. And those who quote-unquote rebounded with a new relationship or even with a situation ship were able to function more easily in their day-to-day lives. They still experienced grief, but the new romantic connection helped them move forward in their overall well-being and their confidence were also higher. In part, these researchers said because they felt desirable again. So what's interesting here is that it seemed from where these researchers stood that the key to the improved functioning was not that the rebound relationship was going to lead to something long-term. It was simply that the presence of the new relationship helped lift the person out of their rheumatative thoughts. So we hate to say it, but apparently the old adage that the

22:15best way to get over someone is to get under someone else seems to have at least some scientific merit to it. But before we move on from this research finding, I want to talk you through what stands out to me as three important caveats. First, the sample was made up of young adults, ages 18 to 25. So these relationships, you're never going to catch me diminishing the value or the importance of the relationships that we have when we are young adults. But this was not the end of decades-long marriages. These were not the ends of relationships that had been around for many, many years. This was a sample of young people. The more important caveats are, to the researchers didn't track how successful the subsequent relationships were and what happened to the new relationship longer term. This was research that was just about what happened to

23:18post-breakup rheumatative thoughts if you started dating again right away. And I think we could agree that something could solve one problem, right? Dating someone new does help you stop ruminating about your ex while potentially creating another problem, which would be reinforcing the avoidance of your grief. So in this way, the research is somewhat cautionary. It's like, listen, if you start dating right away, you will feel better. There's nothing like a little NRE, a little new relationship energy to get you out of a funk. But you need to practice discernment. Are you excited about what you and this new partner are building? Or are you excited about getting away from the yucky, painful breakup feelings? The third caveat is that these researchers also didn't track or investigate how the new partner felt about the fact that the person they were

24:19dating was fresh from a breakup. The study certainly outlines the appeal of a rebound for the rebounder. But some of the collective judgment that we make about rebounders exist precisely because the new partner could feel, you know, sort of used if things don't work out. Like, wait a minute, did you only like me because I was an escape from the hell of your breakup grief? So all of that is just a big ol' reminder that if you are the rebounding partner, it's really, really important for you to be upfront about your situation, your intentions, and to the degree that you can be open and transparent about your own assessment of your capacity, you know? One of the members of my team shared a story about beginning to date somebody who was fresh out of their last relationship. And so the member of my team was understandably

25:25feeling somewhat skittish and cautious about this new person's intentions, their emotional availability, she's feeling a little self-protective, like am I going to get hurt here while also being, you know, super excited about this person. So my team member advocated for herself and she said to this new partner, listen, I'm really enjoying getting to know you, but I'm feeling a little self-protective, given how recently your last relationship ended. And I wonder if I can ask you a few questions. And the person that she was dating was forthcoming, emotionally attuned, and genuinely concerned about her well-being. And my team member told me that she felt like a hundred percent better after that conversation. And it wasn't only because of the answers she had received, but it was actually more because of how her partner showed up in that moment.

26:26It was more about the process, the feeling inside of her body as she asked those questions, that was the more significant data for my team member than what the new partner said. You know, the content, the answers that she got back mattered less than the feeling that she had in her body as she watched her new partner answer these questions and feel, you know, she felt cared for. She felt like this new partner cared for her concerns, and she could feel the empathy coming across. So if you are the person who's newly out of a relationship and you're beginning to date, it is wholly reasonable that your new partner may have some concerns, right? Your new partner might wonder if you are using them to bypass your healing. They may worry that you are just there to distract yourself. They may wonder if you're using them as a test run to see if you're ready to

27:31date again, and your new partners concerns matter. Concerns are not accusations. Concerns are not indictments. In fact, the long-term viability of the relationship of any relationship rests in part on both partners' abilities to tend to each other's concerns. So this is really just a practice ground for something that you're going to need to do over and over and over again in your relationship, which is if you have a concern, it's a concern for me, you know, turning toward a partner's concern. So your job is to view your new partner's questions as an opportunity, not a threat, an opportunity, an opportunity to build closeness and connection to deepen your understanding of each other. So do not roll your eyes, do not deflect, do not minimize your partner's concerns in any way. Just notice how you feel in the conversation. That's data for you.

28:39And your new partner's job is to ask you questions with as much openness and curiosity as they can muster, you know? And their job is also to notice how your responses feel inside of their body as you respond to them. That's the data for them. I also want to remind you that your partner's concerns do not grant them unlimited and total access to every nook and cranny of your psyche, you know? Like you get to share the amount of information about your past relationship, that you feel ready to share, that you can share with a regulated nervous system, because trust builds between people as a relational process, you know? And if you feel like you have to spill your guts and you are distressed and distraught, but you feel like you have to do it,

29:42otherwise they're going to leave you. That's not going to build trust. And if you feel like you are, you know, closed up tight as a vault and you can't tell them anything because if they feel disappointed or if they feel concerned, you know, then they're going to leave you. That's not going to build trust either. So it's like this titrated process of you disclosing the amount that you feel like you can disclose from a place of calm, steady openness, and then you may need to pause and come back again, right? You don't have to do this entire thing in one fell swoop in one whole conversation. So let's just think about some possible questions that your new partner might want to ask, what if your new partner asks what kind of ongoing contact you have with your ex, you know, online in real life? That question feels so understandable, right? We want your new partner to have informed consent about what it looks like to be involved in your world. What if your new partner

30:42asks, how did you get over your ex? Okay, well, first of all, I struggle with that language, you know, talking about like getting over somebody treats healing like a binary. It's like you're either over them or you're not over them when the reality is that healing happens more in shades of gray. You may have heard me talk about it as the pain to paying transition, you know, like early in the grief, when we lose a relationship, it's pain. And then over time, it becomes more of a paying P-A-N-G in like a twinge. Given the nature of intimate partnership, you may always feel a little something, something in your nervous system when you think about or talk about your ex because we are changed by relationships. I don't believe that total neutrality is a precursor for being, you know, ready for a new relationship. So I would invite you in this case to speak what feels true. Something like I have positive memories from the relationship and I definitely

31:46grew as a person from the experience, but that's different from longing for my ex or wishing I was with my ex. And I'm excited about what you and I are starting to build together here. And then I'm also sure that we could come up with some questions that may actually be better left unanswered. Like what if your new partner asks you to compare and contrast them with your ex? I want to tell you what I would do if I was your couple therapist with you in that moment. For ease, I'm going to use names like just to kind of keep this clear. Okay, so your name is Jane and your partner's name is Carrie. So if Carrie wants a side-by-side comparison of her versus your last partner, here's what I would say to Carrie. Carrie, it sounds like you are very understandably wondering how you measure up versus Jane's ex and it sounds like you are wondering

32:49if inside of Jane's mind you are being compared to her last partner, which is also so reasonable and so real. When I wonder if instead of hearing Jane talk through a point-by-point comparison of you versus the ex, what if you talk to Jane about what it's like for you to carry that concern that you are being compared? And then I would coach Jane to express and feel a crap ton of empathy for Carrie, you know, like just to be with Carrie in that feeling of like wondering how Carrie lines up versus Jane's last partner. And then I would help Jane verbalize her sense that Carrie is brave to open up her heart to somebody who is pretty newly out of a relationship. And I would want to help

33:49Jane be able to convey that Jane is getting to know Carrie as Carrie, which is exactly how Carrie deserves to be known on her own merits in her own context, not as somebody who exists against the backdrop of the last partner. And I would want Jane also to convey to Carrie that hopefully with time, day by day, Carrie is going to increasingly feel and trust from Jane that she is getting to know Carrie, you know, on her own terms, on her own merits, not versus somebody else. Okay, I want to talk you through a framework. And the goal here is that especially if you are moving quickly from one relationship to the next, these strategies are going to support you, and are going to stack the deck in the favor of this new relationship. I've organized these into tasks, task one, checking your readiness. So this is a relational

34:54self-awareness check-in. If you're the rebounder, here are some questions that are worth sitting with before and as you move into a new relationship. What are my motivations for pursuing this relationship? Am I moving toward something that I want or am I seeking to avoid or move away from something that feels painful? If it's feeling inside of you, like it's more the second thing, like you're trying to get out of some painful feelings, you know, I want you to proceed with caution, maybe even pause, that difference between approaching something you want and avoiding something that you're dreading, it's a meaningful distinction. To what degree do I feel able to speak my truth about my recovery journey? If I'm feeling uncertain about how I'm doing with my healing, can I actually express that uncertainty to my new partner? If I'm only ready for something casual, can I be honest about that even if it's uncomfortable and even if I suspect that my new partner might

35:58feel disappointed hearing that? To what degree do I have the capacity to be accountable for, quote, my stuff when it gets stirred up emotionally? Because invariably, it's going to get stirred up. To what degree do I feel able to be curious and present when their stuff gets stirred up? Because it also invariably will. And to what degree do I feel able to navigate that middle space of like our stuff? And if my capacity fluctuates, which it may, can I say so? Do I have the courage to say so? To slow things down when they need to and to communicate that clearly? Task two is about forgiving yourself. I want to invite you to be humble about the very real possibility that you are going to project your old relationship wounds onto your new partner. Old fears, old expectations, old patterns may end up attaching themselves to this new person,

36:59even though rationally you know that they had nothing to do with creating them. Part of doing a relationship right is building a practice of asking yourself again and again to what degree is this feeling I'm having about my new partner versus my history? And if you are the one who ended your last relationship, even if you did it as kindly and maturely as possible, you may feel guilt that you caused harm. And that may lead you to feel sensitive to any whiff that your new partner is feeling hurt or let down by you. And you may end up primed to make a metaphorical mountain out of a molehill in that situation, either by going over the top to make it up to them or deflecting that maybe the partner wasn't actually hurt, which of course is going to leave them feeling like you're not being particularly, you know, attentive to them. So the best way to mitigate all of this like time, warpy,

38:05confusion between the past and the present is for you to work on forgiving yourself, is for you to work on reminding yourself that the fact that your ex was hurt by your decision to end the relationship does not by definition mean that you did something wrong. Clarity is not cruelty. Practice letting yourself off the hook. Practice forgiving yourself for your sake and for the sake of your new partner. Freight rail does more than move goods. It drives America's economy. Every dollar invested generates another $2.50 in economic activity spurring growth from farms to factories. And here's the best part. Freight railroads fund their own infrastructure saving taxpayers billions while powering the economy forward from reducing highway congestion to delivering goods safely and efficiently. Freight rail

39:10keeps America moving. Learn more at AARC.org slash America's engine. Atlantic Union Bank. Anyway, you bank. Few things are as uplifting as the greatest moments in sports. And nothing brings us together quite like Team USA at the Olympic Winter Games. From NBC Universal's iconic storytelling to the innovative technology across Xfinity and Peacock, Comcast brings the Olympic Games home to America sharing every moment with millions. When Team USA steps onto the world stage, we're not just watching. We're cheering together. This winter, we're all on the same team.

40:12Comcast, proud partner of Team USA. One iced coffee. 99 cents please. For real? No way. One iced coffee. 99 cents please. For real? No way. Hmm. What a deal. Your new morning groove. Ice coffee from McDonald's, any size for just 99 cents to 11 a.m. Pricing participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. The sun is out. The birds are chirping. And the open road is calling. Bring on the spring at the Honda Spring event and take that road trip you've been dreaming of. Now is the time to check out the Honda Civic and HRV from Honda, the 2025 Kelley Blue Books KVB.com Best Value Brand. Based on 2025 Consumer Choice Awards from Kelley Bluebook, visit KVB.com for more information.

41:17Task three, just tied to task two, is practicing self-compassion. Instead of striving to be the perfect partner in this new relationship because spoiler alert, none of us are going to be the perfect partner. What if you aims to be the best partner that you can be given where you are right now. Those are radically different standards. The presence of doubt, the presence of anxiety as you step into something new does not automatically tell you that this relationship is doomed. Doubt and anxiety show up in all kinds of new relationships, whether they're rebound relationships or not. What matters is what you do with those feelings. So, reminder that the fantastic researcher Dr. Kristen Neff taught us that there are three pillars to self-compassion. And we've got a link in the show notes to my the episode that I did with Kristen Neff. The first pillar of self-compassion is

42:17self-kindness. And for you in this situation, self-kindness might sound like you saying to yourself. It's okay. You are feeling scared about navigating all of this. You want to do your best. There's a lot going on. That's okay. The second pillar is common humanity. And for you in this situation, common humanity might sound like you reminding yourself. All relationships are these containers where both wounding and healing can happen. Relationships are scary and alluring all at the same time. And many, many people fear stepping into something new. And lots of people wonder whether they're adequate as a partner. I am not alone in these feelings. The third pillar is mindfulness. And for you, that might sound like this. Everything is okay right now. I'm safe in my body. I don't have to have it all figured out today. I don't have to know how this ends.

43:21I worry about being a good partner because I'm fresh out of a relationship. My nervous system is responding, but that's all that's happening right now. Number four, task number four is carrying the both end of a rebound. Here's something I want you to hold. You can be in more than one emotional place at once. In fact, you will be. That's not a problem. That's called being human. You can miss aspects of your old relationship and still be genuinely open to someone new. You can feel love and gratitude for what a previous relationship gave you and acknowledge that that was then. This is now and you are open to something different. You can hold grief for what ended and feel presence and excitement for what is beginning. You can have questions about your readiness and also be absorbing a lot of external noise about rebounds and timing that's shaping

44:26your feelings in ways that are not entirely yours. That both end isn't a contradiction. It's the truth of being a feeling person who's paying attention. Task number five, putting your cards on the table. One of the most important things you can do in a rebound situation and honestly in any new relationship is to communicate truth about where you are. It doesn't mean leading with your entire emotional history on a first date. It means as things develop and feel meaningful that you're willing to say something like, I want to be upfront with you about where I'm at. I'm still in the process of making sense of my last relationship. I'm not carrying a torch from my axe, but I'd be lying to you if I said I was walking in here completely clear-slated. I'm excited about what's happening between us and I want to make sure that I'm honoring both of us by being truthful with you and being direct with you. I think being upfront

45:28can feel really vulnerable, which is exactly why it matters. It also invites your new partner to share their own landscape with you. We talked before about the kinds of things that your partner might want to know. They might want to understand the emotional entanglement. I used to still angry. Do you miss them? They might want to understand what didn't work in your last relationship and what insights you've walked away with. They may have their own feelings about the fact that feelings, even feelings for an axe, don't just disappear on command. A kind of love can persist for someone that you are once deeply connected to. The question for a new partner isn't whether that's true. It's about what that means for this relationship. Does their love for you feel like it has room to grow? Do they feel chosen by you? Not just convenient. Task number six, clarifying boundaries about the past. For both partners' well-being, I think it's really worth having a clear

46:35and open conversation about what boundaries exist regarding the past about your axe specifically, and what feels clarifying and what feels comfortable. This does not have to be a dramatic negotiation. It can be a gentle check-in. What does contact look like with your axe right now? What if you share a friend group? How do you each feel about social media? How do you want to talk about your past relationship in a way that's honest but also honors what's being built here without turning your new partner into your therapist? Certainly. I think it's worth asking your partner what they need and also sharing what you need. That kind of check-in models respect and care simultaneously. That kind of check-in builds trust. Number seven, task number seven is keeping an eye out for pace discrepancies. I think it's worth naming that in a rebound relationship, you may have a higher chance of running into a pace discrepancy. Your new partner may be more

47:41ready to go deep and go fast and you may need to move more slowly. You are being caring for yourself and caring for your new partner and increasing the chances that this relationship can really thrive by deepening commitment at a pace that allows you to feel calm, open, regulated on the inside every step of the way. In other words, don't over-promise and under-deliver just to keep the pace. Or it may be vice versa. You may be the one with your foot on the accelerator because you are really trying to cement this new relationship and it may be your new partner who's pumping the brakes. If that's the case, see if you can slow yourself down. See if you can really anchor yourself into feelings of gratitude for the amount of connection that you have with this new partner right here right now today. Practice, savoring what you already have with them

48:44without looking down the road and trying to figure out what the next thing is and how quickly you can get to the next thing. We have a whole episode about pace discrepancies and we've linked that in the show notes. Task number eight, navigating the chorus together. Like I said before, the cultural noise around rebounds is real and you and your partner have both been socialized by the culture, which means the noise doesn't just live out there in the world, it also lives inside each of you. And those messages that you both have been carrying about rebounding can stoke feelings of shame, can feed self-doubt and can color your beliefs about whether this relationship has staying power and it can kind of like create this ambient pressure that makes it harder for both of you to simply just be present with each other. And what's tricky is that cultural stereotypes or myths, they're not monolithic and the culture tends to have different

49:50social standards depending on who you are, the way we talk about a man who most quickly into a new relationship after a breakup is different than how we talk about a woman who does the very same thing. So just, you know, it's really helpful for you and your new partner to look together and talk together about how those double standards might be operating inside of the conversations that are happening in your communities and inside of your own minds. Bottom line here is I want to invite you to take the cultural condemnation and judgment with a grain of salt because honestly, who can condemn somebody for wanting to love again, for wanting to connect again, for wanting to feel desirable again, and makes so much sense. And there's not ever, ever going to be a one-size-fits-all template for relationships. We know that a relationship that begins after three years of being single can implode and we know that what

50:51starts as a rebound can become a deeply healthy long-term partnership. We know that a smooth start is no guarantee of longevity and we know that a messy origin story is no guarantee of failure. There just aren't set in stone rules, but there is a way to look at the cultural rhetoric together so that it loses some of the power over you. So here's some check-in questions that I would encourage you and your partner to talk through together. Here's the questions. What do each of you hear people say in your world about rebound relationships and to what degree to each of you believe that those narratives are true? What assumptions or judgments have each of you made in the past about people who are in rebound situations? What assumptions or judgments have each of you made about this relationship given that it's a rebound situation?

51:54What fears do each of you have about this relationship specifically? Where do you feel those fears in your body? And can you connect those fears to maybe some old wounds that you bring into the relationship? What can each of you do to support your partner? And what support do each of you need or want from your partner? These aren't easy questions but they're questions that are going to grow your relational self-awareness and they're questions that are going to grow trust and connection between the two of you. Task number nine final task is creating space, space to heal and space to be present. I want to say something here that applies well beyond rebound relationships which is that we always need some amount of space and time that is hours and hours alone to distinguish

52:56ourselves from everything else including our partner, even if that partner is somebody who's new in our world and when that we're so excited about and that we feel like we could spend all of our time with, we always need space and time to ourselves. It's true when we're single and it's equally true when we're in a relationship. Solitude is not just for people who are between relationships. Solitude is part of how we stay tethered to ourselves while being deeply connected to another person. You've heard me say that solitude and intimacy are inextricably bound from each other. So for the rebounding partner specifically this may mean that you pretty fiercely protect your time for therapy, your time for journaling, your time for simply being quiet with yourself. And it may mean that you communicate pretty directly and clearly to your new partner that you do need space to process while also asking them what they need in order to feel secure.

54:01Your ability and willingness to step away and continue to like work within yourself, integrating, caring for yourself, listening to yourself, it's good for you but it's also very protective of this new relationship that you're building. And time together and time apart are not competing needs. They're the inhale and the exhale. They can coexist. And if you want more on this whole topic, the task nine topic, we have a whole solo episode about navigating time together and time apart. And you can find that link in the show notes. Okay, my friend. That is what I've got for you today. I hope this episode about rebounds offered you insight and support and permission and some practical strategies that you can use in your life today. And I'm wishing you well as you continue your journey to love and be

55:01love with authenticity and with care and with awareness. And until next time, be well. Thank you for listening to our show. Our producers are Mary Chan and Katie Package of Organized Sound Productions. Our theme music was composed by Slade Warnkin. The show is executive produced by me, Dr. Alexandra Solomon. Do you have a relationship question that you want answered on the show? Visit reimagininglove.com to send in a written or audio question. Questions can be about intimate partnerships, family relationships, friendships, you name it. If you're looking for more love and relationship content, you can find me on Instagram at doctor. Alexandra. Solomon or visit my website dr. Alexandra Solomon.com where you'll find my blog as well as the intimate relationships 101

56:03E course based off of the popular class I teach at Northwestern University. Thank you for listening and see you next week here on reimagining love. Life's busy. Don't let banking slow you down. Whether you're paying bills, setting savings goals, or just splitting the check. Atlantic Union Bank makes managing your money easier. With helpful people and user-friendly tools, we make sure banking with us fits you. Call, visit us online, or drop into an Atlantic Union Bank branch today. Atlantic Union Bank. Anyway, you bank. Few things are as uplifting as the greatest moments in sports. And nothing brings us together quite like team USA at the Olympic Winter Games. From NBC Universal's iconic storytelling to the innovative technology across Xfinity and Peacock, Comcast brings the Olympic Games home to America,

57:05sharing every moment with millions. When team USA steps onto the world stage, we're not just watching. We're cheering together. This winter, we're all on the same team. Comcast, proud partner of team USA. Hmm. One ice coffee. 99 cents please. For real? No way. One ice coffee. 99 cents please. For real? No way. What a deal. Your new morning groove. Ice coffee from McDonald's, any size for just 99 cents to 11 a.m. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Freight rail does more than move goods. It drives America's economy. Every dollar invested generates another $2.50 in economic activity spurring growth from farms to factories. And here's the best part. Freight railroads fund their own infrastructure, saving taxpayers'

58:07billions while powering the economy forward, from reducing highway congestion to delivering goods safely and efficiently. Freight rail keeps America moving. Learn more at ar.org slash America's engine. Performance. Yes to comfort. Yes to right now. Because saying yes without hesitation, that's real luxury. The all new Audi Q3 made for the yes life. Before you begin your road trip, ask yourself, do you really need five full suitcases? With the 2026 Kia Sportage X Pro's class leading cargo space, you'll have room for what you need. Find out more at your local Kia dealer today. Keep the adventure going. Kia, movement that inspires.

59:10Call 800-333-4 Kia for details. Always drive safely and obey all traffic laws. Comparisons based on second-row legroom and cargo space behind second-row seats in the subcompact SUV class according to Kia's segmentation as of October 2025.