I Mustache Mark a Question: Setting Boundaries With Teens & Young Adults

0:00We call them our specialty retreats, and what I mean by that is that we've designed some wonderful gatherings to help parents come together, learn and experience a life-changing weekend that might just change the destiny of their family. I lead all these retreats and will be spending the weekend engaged with all those attending. On March 20 through the 22nd, we'll be hosting a family and crisis conference that is dedicated to help parents put some new tools in their parenting toolbox to help them manage a potentially out of control child in their family. This has truly been a lifesaver for many, literally. The weekend of April 10 through the 12th, the focus of this other retreat is aimed at your post teen young adults called adulting your grown children, helping them grow up in flourish. Dr. Jim Burns of Homeward will be joining me for this retreat that guarantees you'll leave this event with a plan to help your adult child launch, become responsible and embrace their independence.

1:20And for the weekend of May 1 through 3rd, our retreat is when your adopted teens are struggling. It spotlights parents who have adopted or facing struggles. They never imagine. We've had over 1,500 adopted teens live with us through the years, so we're pretty good at helping parents navigate these sometimes turbulent waters. Rory Feeck will be our special guest along with Kirk Cameron's wife, Chelsea Cameron. Hey, for more information about these retreats, please go to parentingtodaysteens.org forward slash spring 2026. All of these retreats are being held on our heart light campus in Longview, Texas, and you'll find more information there. These events are life changing and will have a significant impact on your family for years to come. I hope you'll join us. Your kids will love you for it.

2:24Welcome to parentingtodaysteens, a daily podcast that provides stories, insights and wisdom to help you as a parent gain a deeper relationship with your team. On today's Q&A episode, Mark Greggston answers the most pressing questions that you're asking about your team. Let's listen in. Today we're going to be dealing with a dad that wrote me and said our daughter's 18 and she's just been accepted into college and she wants to move in and get an apartment with her boyfriend who will not be attending college. We told her that we would pay for the dorm, but we would not finance the apartment with her boyfriend. I'm sure if the daughter is listening, she will not like my answer on that. Somebody else says, I'm Mark. May God bless you, Richley. My question is I have a son that's 37 and she says, I can see your eyebrows raising a bit now, but he's in depression. And so we're going to talk about some of that.

3:40Another question is from a mom who says, my son is making fake accounts and sending nudes in hopes of getting other nudes from other people. And he's been depressed and such. And another question says, my 12 year old son is disrespectful. He's spinning out of control. Whenever I take away electronics, he threatens that he's going to run away. His father isn't in his life, which is kind of a common theme that I hear with a lot of these. A lot of moms right in. And they're always saying, God, Lee, dad's not involved. So how do I do this when my son is twice as big as I am somebody else says this. Hey, my daughter lies about everything. She gets depressed. She says that we're too controlling our life and we won't let her do anything. What do we do? And here's somebody else that says this that my son hates that he has to do chores, the dishes, the trash once a week and clean the bathroom. He argues and gets nasty.

4:52He says he's not my slave. And now he wants he doesn't understand why he has to work and pay for a laptop and and why we make him work to pay that back. He's always trying to manipulate me. Do any of those sound familiar to you because what I find is that that a lot of these questions sound the same different scenarios and different places, but many of them sound the same. And and so let me give you some quick answers on these things. The first one is this. It's about an 18 year old daughter that got accepted in the college and wants mom and dad to pay for her to live in an apartment with her boyfriend and and but if she, you know, we're not going to pay for that. So that means she would be responsible for all her living arrangements. What are your thoughts on this? Here are my thoughts. You know, I think there's some point where a mom and dad have to say, say what I believe, but I'm going to act on what I believe. Theodore Roosevelt said this and I found this this past week. He was our 26th president. So from 1901 to 1909. And he said this knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right.

6:12So mom and dad, I would tell you, what do you believe? Just what do you believe rules and requirements ought to be based on those things that you believe and the reason is so that can't be changed. You know, to me, it's somewhat interesting that a daughter saying, this is what I'm going to do and I'm going, well, I'm not paying for it then you have fun paying for it. And I would say, you know, that may be okay with you, but it's not okay with me because I don't believe that's the right thing for you. And why would you not believe that that's the right thing? Part of it is an 18 year old who goes off and lives with a guy. I mean, do you think they're going to be sexually involved with one another? Possibly, or there's more of a chance. Well, if you want your daughter to complete college, there's a part of oh, you go, I don't want you to take the risk of being enticed where you don't finish college. So do you want to finish college? And if she says yes, then I'm helping you finish college because I really don't believe you're going to stay away from, you know, a guy that's that's moving toward you and wants to live with you.

7:17There's another thing. Here's the other problem. You know, and I would encourage you dad on this, go talk to the young man. I don't want you free loading off my daughter. You know, I mean, I would love for you to have a regular relationship with her. And maybe you can date for a while and you guys can be together and you can come to her apartment that she has with other girls, but I'm not paying for you guys to live together. And so if that's your choice, then this is where a mom and dad begin to say, we're drawing a line in the sand. At some point, if you listen to me very long, you know, I am very pro kid. I am very pro giving your daughter and your son control of their life. I am saying to most Christian families, lighten up, loosen up, quit me and so strict and let your child start making decisions. But there comes a point when they want you to fund what they're doing that you're in disagreement with at some point, that's where we got to stand up and say, you know, this is not what I believe.

8:18And this is not what I'm going to do. You're going to be faced with it at some point because most people say, well, it's okay to do that. I mean, I've heard that so many times it's crazy and kids justify it because you save money and everything else. I think I would be concerned about a daughter who feels like that that he's just going to keep paying for to live any way she wants and not have any requirements. That is a sense of entitlement. I would further be concerned that a young man's moving in and he's not coming to you and saying, hey, I'd like to live with your daughter. That's a lack of engagement or a lack of understanding about who this daughter is. It is your child dead. The other part of it is, why are you paying for it? Why don't you get him to pay for the apartment if they're going to live together? I mean, if this is going to be your future son-in-law and it's going to be your future father of your grandkids, then it's okay to begin to say things to him now to help mold him and let him know some of your expectations.

9:24There is no possible way that a dad can let a daughter go off to school and do whatever they want, live with the guy and fund him in a different way or you're always going to be bailing her out. Provision quickly moves to enabling. So my encouragement to you, dad, talk with this young man, have a straight talk with your daughter. You could still love her no matter what she decides. If she says, I'm going to live with this guy anyway and I'll take care of it myself. Okay, and it may be that you feel strong enough that you go that I'm not paying for college because there are some conditions. There's another scripture that states that man plans his steps, but God directs his path. I think his parents that we ought to be doing the same thing that we let our kids plan their steps, but we direct their path. So it may be, I'll pay for you to go to these three colleges. Now, you make some good choices. I will pay for you to do this or I'll be involved if you do these things and you let them make some choices among those things.

10:29As long as I'm writing a check, as long as I'm supporting them, repaying for insurance, as long as I'm giving them anything and they have not transitioned to be married to somebody else, especially if it's my daughter, then I am going to require something of my involvement. And I think it's important for parents to realize that because if not, what you do is continue the sense of entitlement that will carry on and your daughter will continue to feel like she's entitled beyond the time that she has with you. I hope that helps. Another question that somebody asked where they just say, I have a son that's 37. He's been depressed for some time. They live out of the country. He gets a, it's called a depot shot, which is a depot shot, interestingly, is an injection that it's kind of a slow release form of an anti-psychotic medication.

11:33And it comes in a tablet or liquid form, but it's given as an injection. So it's released over a period of time and it lasts a little bit longer, but it helps with somebody who may be psychotic and keep them from going and having a psychotic episode says he isolates a lot. I don't know what to do. I'm talking and encouraging him to come out and do something. What more can I do? The years are creeping by. Mom, let me tell you this. He's 37 years old. He's going to need more help than just a shot once a month and an encouragement from mom. There's got to be some plan that's formed for him to say, we either need to get you further help sending some place, having involved in something else besides just living in his room, withering away. Or you move and you take him with you to a place where he can get help and so you can live with me as long as you get help, or you might have been committed somewhere for a short term or a long term facility that will take him and work with him to balance out some of his meds.

12:39And my apologies. I don't know of a whole lot of places for 37 year olds. And that's not because there aren't some out there. It's just that I don't know of them because I spend most of my time dealing with teens. Here's another question is that my son is making, you know, sending nudes of himself out and trying to get people to send nudes back. And, you know, I would couple it with another question that somebody else says that my son is very disrespectful, my 12 year, both of these are 12 year olds. And he says he's going to run away if we take electronics away and, you know, I just can't control him anymore. It's interesting to me that 12 years old is that time where a child begins to understand that they are growing up. Girls have that signature mark of starting their period and it goes, okay, now you're a young woman and something change. Young men, it's a little bit different whether it's growing hair in their chin under their armpits or they start to smell a little bit or their voice begins to crack a little bit.

13:41It's tough for these young boys who mature just a little bit later. And so it's almost like they think they're Superman. And so they spend time either video games are doing stupid stuff because they just don't have the maturity to do smart stuff. And so, and they are trying to develop a way to relate and sending nude picks at 12 year old sending nude picks of themselves to somebody else's completely out of line for someone to say I want to run away because you take away my Xbox or my PlayStation or you don't let me play video games. It's a little mature, don't you think? And I think at some point this is where a mom or dad has got to say we're going to sit down and talk and we're going to talk these things through and your child will continue in their negative behavior until the pain from their behavior is greater than the pleasure that they get from it.

14:41Now, anytime a child says I'm going to commit suicide, I would go be careful. If I think you are, then I'm going to we're going to go to a hospital, you're going to be evaluated and you may be placed in in a seven day program for a while until you calm down, get on medication, start counseling, but don't use that. And I think it's got to be strong with a lot of these kids because they get out of everything. They don't know what they're saying. They don't know really what they're doing. And so I'm going to take it for face value and say then I'll act upon it. If any child becomes physical, I will say if you become physical with me, you will be arrested. And somebody goes, well, Mark, that sounds kind of strong. You want to know something? It's very strong. Because if you don't corral and stop this kind of behavior now, it will continue to get worse in the days of head because it works for your child. And so when they are trying to cross those lines of inappropriateness and disrespectfulness and disobedience and dishonesty, when there are 11 and 12 years old, you've got to go after it hard or it's going to spin out of control.

15:55And some people are saying this that my child is so big. He's bigger than me. I can't even control him anymore. Okay. Now spend some time appealing to who he is and put some structure behind it that creates a world of pain. Should they choose to continue to do that? I mean, if a son that I have at 11 and 12 years old ascending news of himself, I will turn off the electricity to my home and there won't be any internet. I would take away any mechanism there is and say, you know what? To him who much is given, much is required. And I'm giving you this opportunity to be on the internet, so use it well. And if you can't, it's your choice, then you're choosing to not have it. And then what you do is the dominoes begin to fall where a child says, I'll run away. It may be saying you have the choice to do that. But if you do, I want you to know this is what will happen. There's got to be an action for or a reaction to every action that a child has that's moving in an inappropriate way or they will continue along that path until the consequences are so great that it is beyond what you're able to handle.

17:12Does that sound strong? I hope it does. I mean, people know me as one who loves kids to death and will do anything for them, but make no mistake. I don't tolerate anything from kids when it comes to that. And so at some point you've got to have leverage on your child either to take things away. Now here's the other, here's the other thing is we've given them so much stuff that they've come to count on that. And that's that sense of entitled what they want that to continue to happen. So it may be that you begin to have those talks where you say, I'm not giving those things anymore. I'm backing up because of your disrespectful dishonest or disobedient, then I will not be giving you things. And it's a good lesson to learn now rather than later. Here's somebody else that wrote in and said, you know, my daughter feels like that we are too controlling we've pulled her from school. And then here's another son that says that my child is full of anger and and even hate it, but it's directed at me. He hates me because I require something of him either taking out the trash or cleaning up something.

18:22He says, I'm not your slave and and and he's mad because, you know, we required him to buy the computer that he's on. This sounds familiar, doesn't it? And let me say this again, until the pain from your child's actions are greater than the pleasure they're getting from that action, meaning this, if your child's saying, I'm not doing chores, well, they're getting pleasure from not doing the chores. And if that's the case, then say that if you don't do the chores and I'm taking something away, now you've got to understand that there may be some very important things to take away to get their attention, I would do it. I would take away buying them clothes, you know, and these kids are 12 and 13 years old. I would take away warm water in the shower. I would take away anything that I'm purchasing them, I would take away the cell phone, I would take away paying for data, I would take away the TV, say we're getting rid of the TV, if you can't control it, we're going to get rid of it.

19:30I would do anything I can until you learn that you've got to be responsible. That's what you're driving home. And the assumption of responsibility will create a world of maturity for your child. You know, it's tough to get through these. And the first thing I would tell everybody here that's listening to the answers of all these questions. You've got to spend some time thinking, what is my child getting out of their actions? And once you begin to understand that, then what that does is kind of soften your approach so you can appeal to the heart of your child. And then say, you know, is there anything that I'm doing that's pushing you in this direction? If there is, then correct that. And that's easier said than done, but it's important that when you move toward your child that you do something different and it's got to begin with you. And then the third thing is, well, then let's help get you to a better spot. And to get you to a better spot, this is what I think we need to be doing. And you line out a path for that to happen.

20:38And if you will do these things, then you will be rewarded. And I'm asking you not do these other things because there will be consequences for those. Now, it's easier said than done. But I'm going to give you the title of a book that I would encourage you to read. And one is called Raising Teens in a Contrary Culture. I wrote this a couple of years ago with the idea of helping all of us as parents and grandparents to figure out, are we the cause of some of this? Are we missing something? And in a world of cell phones and communication and Internet and social media and all the comparisons that happen in that world, I've got to ask myself the question first, am I doing something wrong? And it may be that I'm not meeting the needs of my child the way that they need to be met. Is there something that I need to be doing different? And it's saying, Lord, if there's going to be a change in our family, let it begin with me. But make no mistake after you make the changes and you communicate those to your child.

21:44Then at some point, you've got to engage with your child and say, this is what I've done. Now, this is what I want you to do. And it's going to help us get to a better place. And you convince them of that. You encourage them in that. And you stop the foolishness and you promote the wisdom. Anyway, I hope you have a great week. I hope these answers to your questions have helped. Thanks for listening to Parenting Today's Teams. For more information, you can visit parentingtodaysteens.org, heartlightministries.org, or markgrextin.com. We'll be back here on Monday for another great episode. Have a great weekend and we'll talk to you then. Thank you.