How to Stop Abandoning Yourself in Relationships

0:00You're going to have to choose yourself without an apology. And this means that people will not like it. They will get mad at you. They will not understand. Today, I want to dive deeper into the conversation of self abandonment. Because many of us will first experience self abandonment within the relationship dynamic, especially within the opposite sex when we're dating the opposite sex. We will experience self abandonment. And many of us are suffering from this due to wanting to have love and keep love. We are suffering from self abandonment due to avoiding rejection, feeling worthy, wanting to maintain connection and prevent conflict. And also we want to feel chosen and these are common ways that we will find ourselves on the chopping block and the cutting board of self abandonment.

1:03Because we will take what society says that we should have and where we should be. And we will make self sacrifices in order to obtain things that do not serve our best interest, our highest self and also our causing harm to our very own lives and the lives that we have around us to and that we are responsible to and for. And you see self abandonment, it doesn't happen loudly. It happens very quietly. It's very insidious and it's very relational. And many of us don't even realize that we have abandoned ourselves until sickness occurs within us, until harm is really occurring within our lives where we can no longer turn our heads away from what is happening because we're probably sitting in a doctor's office or probably on the brink of breakdown due to depression and due to all of the factors that are

2:07screaming at us to wake up and pay attention. We probably are experiencing negative consequences due to self abandonment. And not probably you will be experiencing negative consequences within your life when you abandon yourself because when you abandon your health, when you abandon your purpose, when you abandon who God has called you to be and where he has called you to be, then you are going to experience negative consequences because the consequences that you are experiencing are trying to redirect you to get out of your situation. They're trying to redirect you to make a right turn and turn down. The right path, the righteous path that God is trying to lead you towards. And so right now I want to talk to you about what self abandonment looks like, how it shows up so that you can understand this, that you can recognize this.

3:08And we recognize this through teaching. We recognize this through having the information in our mind. So when it shows up, our mind can make a connection in regards to what am I seeing? And because this is something that is not taught to us directly and intentionally, and we haven't had the right and proper type of teaching in regards to what self abandonment would look like when it happens in our life, when it shows up in our life, our brain cannot register it because we don't have any prior knowledge in regards to saying, what is this that is happening? We don't have any teaching. We don't have a reference point in regard to where to connect these dots to determine what we are experiencing. So a lot of us stay in situations that don't serve us, that are belittling us, that are harming us because we haven't been taught it, but we also don't have that reference point through teaching where our brain can connect.

4:10This is what is happening. And that's why it's so important that we are students of life and that we get coaching and that we get biblical and sound teaching so that we can be protected and that we don't stay in situations longer than we should because we lack knowledge, we lack knowledge. So how does self abandonment usually show up? Let's go through some of the ways in which it usually occurs in our life. So self abandonment shows up in the way of over accommodating for someone's lack thereof for someone's ability not to rise to their responsibility. It shows up in the way that we only see potential, but we don't see that what is actually occurring in someone's life, they're not capable of meeting our needs or our standards. It shows up in actually silencing our very own needs because we don't really want to speak about it because we have fear of a losing someone that we love or

5:14losing someone that we want to be in relationship with or the fear that we don't want to be lonely because we're older now. And so we don't have a lot of options. It shows up in rationalizing poor behavior. It shows up in overworking. It shows up in gaining weight or losing weight rapidly at one time. It shows up in disease. It shows up in this ease of our body. It shows up in a staying past our expiration day and staying past clarity. When someone doesn't want to give us clarity and they keep stringing us along, it shows up in a shrinking to be chosen. It shows up in a shrinking to be chosen and how many of you have shrunk who you are, who God has called you to be, the gifts and the talents that you have in order to appease someone in a relationship. I know I have. I will raise my hand. I shrunk myself in certain dynamics because I didn't want to, you know, make

6:19someone feel less than because of the gifting that God has placed on my life. And that is one of the biggest ways that you will abandon who you are. Never shrink who God has called you to be. The person that God has for you will embrace who God has called you to be. And they will enhance it. And this is something that many of us do because we don't want someone else to be intimidated by what God has for us. But as a woman and as a man, remember, your relationships should complement each other, the male that you have that God has bringing in your life should complement your gifts and you as a woman should complement the male's gifts. And you all should be making things bigger and better for your family, not only your family, your community. And so it shouldn't be something that we are over here arguing and fighting over in regards to the gifts and the talents.

7:19When God brings you together, it is not just about you. It is about what you can do for the kingdom of God and his people. So when we can understand this concept, it takes the focus off of each other and it puts it on something bigger because your relationships, your marriage is not just about you. And that's how we get trapped in self abandonment because we will try to lessen and cheapen the gifts that God has given us to appease someone else because we don't understand the relationship dynamic of when God brings two people together, it is to make his kingdom better. It is not just for you all, it is to make his kingdom better to build a healthy family that also impacts the community and the people of God in a positive way where we can see fruits from the labor and the evidence of you all coming

8:19together. And so when we have that focus, the focus comes off of the man and the woman and we have something greater to focus on and to rise to. And so these are just a few ways where self abandonment will occur. And when these factors occur, when you're starting to see these attributes in your life and in your relationship dynamic, what will happen is that you will be disconnecting from the voice of God and your intuition, which God speaks into, you will begin to disconnect from it. And that's where confusion and depression will come in and you will buckle under all of this weight. But the weight is not from the confusion and the depression. It is from the self abandonment that you are doing to yourself because you are not honoring yourself. And when you're not honoring yourself, there's no way that you can honor God. And this is why it's so important to not ignore the red flags, not ignore

9:25the symptoms that are coming up because when you ignore these symptoms that are coming up and that are being exhibited within the relationship and within your body, then you are moving further away from yourself. You're going to move further away from yourself. So now let's talk about what are some of the steps in regards to how do we return to ourselves? How do we return to who God has called us to be? How do we gain our power back so we can walk in our power? And one of the ways in which we do this is that we become extremely honest with ourselves. And the society that we live in does not like honesty. But in order to get out of a harmful circumstance, a harmful relationship is that number one, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to tell yourself the truth because that is the only way that you can break free from the situation that you are in.

10:27Do you like the situation that you are in? Do you like the way that you are feeling? Do you like how you get up every morning? Are you getting up every morning and are you grateful? Are you joyful? Are you happy? Not saying that we don't have bad mornings and some days we don't feel like getting up and going to work. That's natural. But I'm saying, are you more weighted and depressed than ever in your life? And you can't shake this off. Those are signs to pay attention in word and to start getting honest with you and examining your relationships, examining yourself. Because when you get honest with yourself, that is the only way to break free to a healthier life. Number two, I want you to begin to write down the internal dialogue that you are having within yourself. We all talk to ourselves. We all have this internal dialogue that is going on within ourselves and that God is speaking to us or we're trying to discern the voices that are speaking to us.

11:27I want you to get out of sheet of paper and I want you to begin to write down all your thoughts because we have to look at our thoughts. We have to examine them and get rid of the harmful ones and we have to keep the honest ones and the truthful ones because when you get to writing down your thoughts, you can gain clarity in regards to what you are seeing. What is true and what is not? Okay. And now number three, in order to return to ourselves, we have to raise our standards. There is no way that you can truly return to who God has called you to be. To recover yourself, to restore yourself without raising your standards. So we are going to have to raise our standards and that's going to be another topic for another day, but know that you are going to have to raise your standards in order to recover who you are or go back to who God has called you to be. Number four, you're going to have to make the choice to evolve. You're going to have to make the choice to evolve.

12:29And when you decide to evolve automatically, it comes with letting things go. And this will often mean people. So you have to make the conscious choice to evolve and to go higher. And when you make this choice, that means we're going to have to discipline ourselves and stick to the choice so that we can go higher. Number five, you're going to have to choose yourself without an apology. You're going to have to choose yourself without an apology. And this means that people will not like it. They will get mad at you. They will not understand, but there will be those that will understand. There will be people that are going to cheer you along. There will be people that are going to be there when you are finished with the season of actually going to work in your life because you will be a testimony to what can be done. And trust me, there were people that were still there in my life.

13:32When I had to let everything go and put people on pause and release people, when I came back better, stronger, wise or healthier, restored, renewed, replenished, the people that were supposed to be there were there with open arms. So don't worry about losing people, the people that are meant to be there will be. I can guarantee you that. And so when we learn not to abandon ourselves, when we learn how to truly honor ourselves, and when we honor ourselves, we are honoring God because we are saying that our body is a temple, our mind is a temple, the way we talk, the way we think, the way we act as a temple, and we are honoring God and putting him first and foremost in our life. And he teaches us how to honor ourselves. And he teaches us how to protect ourselves and our discernment is built and our standards are built. We will no longer self abandon ourselves. And this is how you teach people how to treat you because your standards are so

14:33high, you're consistently learning about who you are, you're learning about behaviors and people. So when someone comes to you, they will not just be attracted by what they see, but they will also be attracted to your standards, but get this. Because some people come into our lives to try to test and break our standards, but we will have developed the tools of discerning. So when we see someone who is not who they say they are and who doesn't want better, who is not trying to walk in the path of righteousness and be submitted under God, when they don't understand that coming together is just not about you too is just not about the male and the female. It's about honoring God and who he has called his kingdom, children to be as husband and wife in relationship and as a community. When they don't represent that, they will not be able to come into our lives and stay as long as they used to.

15:35And we will be able to discern at a higher level. And when we are able to do that, people who are not real, people who don't mean us well, they will exit our life faster than what they used to. And that's the goal. The goal is not for us never to encounter people who are not right for us or who are not healthy for us because we are going to encounter those people. The goal is to be able to discern who those people are to be able to discern what is good and what is bad, what is healthy, what is not, what is evil, what is good. That's the goal. That's how you know that your standards are at a higher level and they're elevated because you are able to discern at a higher and wiser level. And that's where we all must get to and continuously do the work to grow in. So that is all for today.

16:36And I hope that this information landed within your heart and within your mind and that you are able to begin to make some practical and functional steps and even determining if you are self abandoning yourself. And if you want to go further with me, know that I am a purpose and empowerment coach and I will be delighted to talk with you in regards to what your experiencing, what you need and the work that we can do together to get you to where God has called you to be because it is time for his children to truly, walk in their gifting, their talent and walk in confidence and clarity. And most importantly, in power, the power that he has laid on your life. So if you are interested in working with me as a coach, you can go to recovery of you.com and I can't wait to see you on the other side. And there is so much in the store that God has for you that I'm just excited for what is to come next in your life. And if you are listening to this right now, know that you're not here.

17:39By accident or coincidence, you are here by divine guidance. So if you are interested again, head over to recovery of you.com and I look forward to meeting you. And until we meet again, stay the course. Know that the victory is truly already yours. And I will see your beautiful faces right back here next time on recovery of you. Bye.