How Gender Stereotypes Hurt

Welcome to Voices Against Violence, a Harmony House podcast to educate, empower, and serve

as a voice for survivors.

We aim to shed light on crucial issues surrounding domestic violence, offer support, and inspire

action for change, join us as we work together to create a community where all individuals

can live a life free of abuse.

I'm Charity Jordan Rex, Prevention Program Manager for Harmony House.

I'm Kristen Walker, Assistant Executive Director of Harmony House.

Charity, March, is Women's History Month, and I think there is a lot to talk about when it comes

to gender stereotypes and the role they play in domestic violence or intimate partner violence.

Absolutely. This is another topic that I just, I have a giant soap box. I'm feeling like I have

a lot more soap boxes maybe than I acknowledge, but, because consent as well. We just did that one.

You're a deeply passionate person. You've got a lot to say. Thank goodness there's a microphone

in front of you. Let's love characters. I just happen to have a microphone. Yeah, so

March is Women's History Month, and I just want to say right off the top, because I feel like,

you know, I feel like I can just hear the devil's advocates out there.

Why do we need a Women's History Month? Because so much of history is centered around men,

and let's just be clear that women are 50% of the population, and they have made incredible

phenomenal achievements and accomplishments and our full humans and a valuable members of our

society. So let's take some time to acknowledge 100%. I can also hear a devil's advocate or comments

in the chat saying domestic violence does not only happen to women. We know. We are aware. We are

women, one in four men. We are here for everyone. We are, we are, Harmony House serves all individuals.

So we are, we are aware of that and there we cannot ignore the way that gender stereotypes

do impact and influence this conversation around domestic violence. So let's talk through

stereotypes, I guess in general, just starting with like a stereotype is like fill in the brain.

Like how would you define a stereotype? Well, to me a stereotype is kind of a generally common

accepted idea about a certain demographic. Yeah. So with women, you know, I think one is that

women are their meek and mild and quiet and nice. Yeah. So yeah, I'd agree with your definition

that it's like a generalized component, like a generalized thinking of a type of group,

but how they should behave, act, show up, whatever it might be. And not a, not a correct idea.

No, but just a general, general concept of how this person ought to behave, ought to look like

ought to dress. So I used to do an activity with young people where I would ask them to,

I would run the board, gender stereotypes about women, gender stereotypes about men,

and I'd ask them to fill in the blanks. Like how ought this person look, dress, act, behave,

whatever. And it was always chaos. It was like, it was just a, it was, and it was not varied room

or school to school. Every school said the same thing about how a woman and how a man ought to

dress behave. Okay. What did tell us? Oh my goodness. Okay. So they, uh, women are, oh,

just all the things that you hear, all the things that we know aren't true. So things,

they don't like sports or they're bad at sports. They're bad at math. They're bad at math and

science. They don't, you know, they don't like outdoor stuff. They wear dresses and makeup and

they care about their hair and they're, you know, like all of those things that we hear all

the time. And then like for men, it was that men like sports or men pay for the dates or that

men are more powerful or stronger or this, the really interesting stuff is when I started asking

about occupation. And so they'd say like the men are the boss or they're the, the leaders and

women or secretaries or teachers. The one that I did, I was so fascinated by, I had a group of

six graders and we were going through like occupations and they put doctor on the women's side.

And I said, say more because that is not what I was expecting. I was not expecting that their

gender stereotype was that women are doctors. I was expecting them to say that men were doctors

and women were nurses. And so I was so curious about it. I was like same art and all of the kids

in the class were saying like, well, my doctor has always been a woman. And then I was like,

it kind of was a light bulb moment for me of a young person is seeing a pediatrician. There's

a gender stereotype within the healthcare realm that if you are a woman studying medicine,

you're going to be a pediatrician. And so then I was like, oh, that's even interesting. They

are tapping into a gender stereotype that they probably don't even recognize as being something

that exists because they're not in the healthcare field. Yeah. No, so it was really interesting. It was

a great exercise ticket to look at the board and look at all of these expectations that are

held of men and women and ask ourselves like, where do these come from? These aren't accurate. This

doesn't represent every woman I know. This doesn't represent every man I know. And what kind of

pressure does it put on to us when we're expected to fit this mold that doesn't feel right for us.

It's not real for us. Maybe we don't like that particular thing. We don't excel at that particular

hobby. How does it feel when somebody expects us to? And so it was a really great conversation and

dialogue with young people about that. But it is so interesting how deeply ingrained these beliefs

are because I don't remember anyone sitting me down and teaching me like, oh, this is what

a woman ought to do. This is what a man ought to do. Yeah. And yet it's in there. It's in there

because no one has to tell a young person. This is what we think and believe about women.

They just have to watch any show. Any show. Watch what happens. Watch. You know, who were you

interacting with? How are you talking about women? Where do they see women in different jobs?

Yeah. And those messages just become internalized. Absolutely. Absolutely. They do. It's any storyline,

any punchline, any conversation, any kind of like typical joke. It's just it's all in there.

And when we talk about how people ought to be or how they should or should not behave,

it does put us at expectations. And in some instances, folks will use those expectations

to justify power and control over their partner. And that's really where we're talking about

today is like the intersection of where these gender stereotypes overlap with domestic violence.

So let's let's connect those dots for folks who are like, well, how does a gender stereotype?

How is that harming women? Like how how is that connected to domestic violence?

Yeah. So when we look at the different types of abuse, right? So one that just immediately

comes to mind is financial abuse. When we consider the gender stereotypes, the narratives we believe

about a man's role around finances in the family, is it setting up a system in which

the male partner could use power and control to keep their spouse away from the finances,

to not give them information about finances, to not allow them to work because they

shouldn't be working. They should be taking care of the home or children or whatever might be.

Right? So like all of those things that we would recognize as financial abuse,

is it rooted in this belief that that's the way it's supposed to be?

So while you were talking there is a website and they had a link on their site,

you know, are you biased against women leaders? Take the test. So I clicked on that link

and then it pulls up this page and it says this page is missing just like 18% of women's pay.

That's a really good way. It's a kind of help connect these ideas. So like

financial abuse is a severe, it keeps women in dangerous life-threatening situations.

But part of that comes from this idea that women's work is worth less. Women are the caregivers

generally and those jobs that are typically done by have traditionally been done by women

and by women are low paying low benefit jobs. Yeah, absolutely. And the financial abuse,

that's just one of the components that we could look at this, right? So if we remember the fact

that domestic violence centers around power and control, it would benefit us to look at the ways

that stereotypes set up power and control in relationships. And so if one partner is seen to be

as superior or more dominant, all of the words that I would see written on the white board of what

we believe to be true about men, then it sets up a system where it justifies control. So someone's

telling you where you can and can't go, what you can and can't wear, what you can and can't do,

because they are the more powerful or more dominant one in that relationship. So what I hear you

saying, Kristen, is that these systems we're moving within and that governed so many aspects of our

society are themselves rooted in power and control. And who makes those systems?

And you know who else those systems harm? Men. Yes. Okay. I mean, I just feel like we can't say

this enough. So we're talking about women, but they're women who, I mean, men who experience

domestic violence, but it's those same gender stereotypes that keep men from coming forward a

lot of times and getting the help and support to get out of their unsafe situation. So men,

you are also harmed by this. So you mentioned the fact, you know, one in three women, one in four men.

And so, but statistically, we know that men are less likely to report abuse. And it's because

of those feelings of having to be strong, not being able to be weak or ask for help that keep

folks for keep men specifically from seeking the port. So this, it's really harmful.

Anyway, you look at it. And these ideas that people ought to be a certain way.

So I'm looking at oxfam.org. They have a page and they have listed 10 social norms that drive

violence against women and girls. So domestic violence doesn't just come out of nowhere.

Like that, I feel like though those are the leaves on the trees. And so we're talking about what's

at the root, right? And so I feel like these are some of the ideas that are at the root of that.

Women, so number one, women must be submissive to male family members and all aspects of her life.

How does that idea of women being submissive contribute to gender-based violence?

Yeah. Man, it's the idea that somebody would have the right to control a partner

and that the other person, in this case, a woman has to be submissive to their will because of their

gender is, I mean, it's, it's just so rooted in our history and everything we, like in the

our language. And it's this, like, undercurrent that cuts through, I just, I think sometimes when I

have these conversations, people are like, it's 2026. Like this isn't a problem today. Like this

isn't like, this isn't an issue anymore. But when you have built a foundation of a society

and a culture that is built on this, it's the undercurrent, it's the tone that all of our systems

are built on. But these ideas still exist. I went into a group with teens and we were talking

about social norms and they're like, what's a social norm? I was like, well, tell me how,

how is a relationship between a boy and a girl supposed to be? Oh, the guy's supposed to be the

one in control. He's supposed to be dominant. There you go. There's a social norm. So if you're

going to deny someone else's humanity, just based on their gender, it's somehow being less

and then someone else has more power in control. I mean, it sets up an environment where abuse

and harm is likely because one person has power. The other doesn't. One person is worth more. The other

one is worth less. And once you begin to remove people, separate them from their humanity. We can

objectify them. We can, violence becomes so much easier against somebody when you don't see them

as a human. When you see them as inherently less valuable, it's so much easier to commit acts

of violence against them. I think we can look at events throughout history where regimes have

done this. Yes. Where they have systematically put out propaganda that characterized people

as less than human, actual caricatures as animals or other things. So once you can begin to dehumanize

someone, it becomes so much easier to harm that person. Okay. Number two, men are expected to

exercise coercive control. So, you know, I feel like a lot of this harkens back to really some

traditional ideas about marriage and family, some of those based in religion, but not always.

Um, that men are supposed to be the head of the household manner. And if that's the way you

want to set up your family, that's fine. But the caveat there is that that only works if you have

a healthy relationship, all parties are in agreement about expectations and no person has control

over the other to say this is the way it's going to be. I like the point that you made there. Like

that, if that works for you, right? Like we would look at that board. Those young people and I would

look at the board and be like, if you are a young man who loves football and loves, you know,

video games and all the things that run on the board about you, if you love that cool, love that,

be that, do that. But if you're not, right? The problem comes into play when somebody uses power

control to fit you into that mold when that's not who you are or what you want. I mean, again,

I just think of the, the denying someone's humanity and women have just as much right to their

humanity to take up space to have a voice as, as anyone else. Um, so I'm not going to go through

the whole list, but I'll, this other one, um, I feel like, uh, is, is a good one to talk about.

Sexual harassment is normal. I feel like this is like, oh, it's just a joke. I saw a post recently

that said, um, when sexual harassment happens, you know, men like to say, well, it's not all men.

Okay, not all men made the joke, but some, some men made the joke. Other men stood there and

listened. Some men laughed. Some men said, oh, you know, you're being too sensitive. So like,

you may not be the actual perpetrator, but still your actions had the same effect. That's

a good question. I think for all listeners is, are we challenging these systems when given the

opportunity? Are we challenging gender stereotypes when we hear them in real life? Are we

challenging sexual harassment when we hear it in real life? Are we asking, you know, like,

you know, saying that that joke wasn't funny or just saying nothing at all. Yeah, I can be a

very effective tool too when to not laugh, which sends the message, that's not funny to me.

Absolutely. So one thing that I do think that is important also to bring into this conversation

is that culture is ever changing. And we have conversations in ways today that we did not have

them 10 years ago. And so I just would challenge us all, we get to shape the culture. I mean, if we

look back to gender stereotypes across history, you know, one really simple one is that blue

used to be for little girls and pink used to be for little boys. And then that changed over time.

And so we have the ability to shape what we, how we talk about gender and how we talk about

expectations and stereotypes. And so I just would challenge our listeners today. Are we

taking that opportunity to shape the culture that we want to see when it comes to how we talk

about these things? I think my challenge would be to question what you believe. Why do you believe

what you believe? Where does that come from? Yeah. Where does it come from? Get curious. As you say,

all the time, get curious. Like, is this based in fact? Or is this like just some opinion,

something that has formed over the years? You know, so something that I have said and I,

I'm realizing now I don't have to say this hardly at all ever. But, you know, two, two boys

growing up, well, there are no girl and boy toys. There are no girl and boy books. There are no

girl and boy color. You know, like, it's just, there are colors. I heard someone say,

oh, that's a girl instrument. No, there's no such thing as girl instruments. There are just

instruments. What was the instrument? A clarinet. Okay. And I had no, I had no fathom of what

that could possibly be. Okay. You mean you didn't automatically hear girl instruments?

I do. And what's so funny is that I've got a friend who's husband plays the clarinet and we

were talking about that. And he was like, what? Like, they're the most prominent clarinetists are met.

And I think that's what he plays and made a career up. So, so I feel like that. Again, we talk

about having these conversations with young people. Yeah. But just, it can be just as simple as that.

Like, no, that's not a thing. They're, it's so. A feminine and dismantling their own beliefs

around gender and just gender stereotypes. Where do those things come from? And how are we

continuing to perpetuate them? Women experience violence because they are dressed provocatively.

So this idea that women somehow are responsible for the harm that other people are doing to them,

because of what they are saying, doing, wearing. Yeah, that's a no. That's a, that's victim blaming.

Nobody is responsible for somebody in acting violence against them. There is nothing that someone

could do that would make somebody act violently against them. I mean, I love about things like this.

I love to point out the inconsistencies. Like, have you, I've never heard anyone say to someone

who maybe like had someone break into their house, like, well, why'd you put your front door right

front and center there? Like, you were just asking for it. Like, we only say these kinds of

things about things that impact women. And it's just, it's not true. There's a really powerful

display called what I was wearing. Yeah. And it's traveled the country and been reproduced in many

spaces where survivors share what they were wearing during their assault. And it, it's really

drives home the, the fact that this is happening in all spaces. Again, because of power and control,

not because of what someone was wearing. Like, I think one of those outfits was just like some

grungy sweatpants. Of course, of course. So you were not responsible for the harm that someone is

doing to you. And we need to stop putting that on us on woman. And we see that play out, you know,

girls can't wear tank tops at school because the boys are going to be distracted. No,

boys are responsible. They're able, like, yeah. So if you're a parent and maybe that's in your,

your child's student handbook or whatever, I don't know. I'd want to go have the conversation.

Like, what is this? That's, that's not okay. Let's see, girls are valued as wives, not as individuals.

We had this conversation yesterday. Yes, we did. We talked about how oftentimes the only

opportunities to celebrate people are at weddings or like when somebody has a child. And we said,

we should be celebrating each other more often than this. We accomplished pretty incredible things.

But that, that idea that somehow a woman's worth is wrapped up in whether or not she has gotten

married and or whether or not she has had kids. And there's just so much language around that.

I have not had my own kids, but my life has not missed anything. I have experienced all of the

full aspects. You know, like, we just put so much out there judging women like, oh, this is your

real calling. Women are allowed to not get married, be single for the right not have children.

They're allowed to be focused on their careers. I just think, would you say this to a man?

Would you say like, oh, you're, you're not, you're not married. You're having that kids.

When you go, you know, that's something we just put on women. I went to a Christian college

and the joke was there. Like, oh, the girls were just there for their MRS degree.

There was nothing like that. There's no equivalent for equivalent. That's like a point chair.

And that's it. I feel like that's another good way. What's the equivalent for guys? Often

these derogatory jokes and comments, there's no equivalent for guys. I went to a lecture once where

they were talking about how to identify when somebody was being when gender was the focus of an

advertisement. And they said, if you could swap the model with a male model with this pose and

cost like a tire, look ridiculous. And if so, maybe what the ads focus is is gender and not

actually the product that they're selling. Yeah. I've never seen a commercial where this

ex appeal made me want to go out and buy a burger. Like, I don't need that at all. This last one,

I think, unfortunately, is still pretty true and relevant or at least an idea that people hold

divorce women have less value. There is a therapist I follow and she's in her mid-50s and she got

divorced a couple years ago. And she's developed this huge following, but she talks about how to heal

after at that stage of your life getting divorced. But she will share the screenshots and things

that she'll get from men. And there are so many that are like, who is ever going to want you as

this older woman? Now you're divorced. You should have stayed married. Like, and what? No, wait,

wait. It comes back to the idea that somebody's value comes from being being married.

Your value is not inherent to you, but it is due the man that you're attached to. And

that's just going to be wrong all day every day. Women have 100% of their value and worth

on their own. They don't have to have a man. I bought a car recently and one of the dealers,

I didn't buy the car from this dealer, but they said to me, oh, well, your husband,

no, no, my husband is a buying this car. I am buying this car. I am financing this car. My name

is the only one that's going to be on the title. Like, I don't need a man to validate what I'm doing

or my worth and are intrinsically valuable and worthy of respect as is every human. And so,

yeah, just keep in mind, like again, just to wrap up the idea of how gender stereotypes

contribute to domestic violence. When we hold these stereotypes to be true, we are placing more

value, more power on one particular set of people. And it sets up a system for folks to be harmed.

And I think, you know, I love how you, you've been giving a challenge in these episodes. And I

think I would love to challenge listeners this month to really be mindful of that, especially

if you have young people. Because I think we started this episode by saying you don't have to

explicitly say, this is what we do. And this is what we believe. But your girls, your boys,

they are watching how you talk about these things, how you treat people, the jokes that you make,

the shows that you watch, how you respond, how do you talk to the women in their lives,

they are watching. And that is where they're learning this. And so, I would just want to challenge

everyone to be really mindful this month of, are we are we challenging those ideas?

Yeah. Are we perpetuating them? And if you find like, oh, I don't think I think I'm perpetuating

that, like get curious. Yeah. Why? Where did that come from? Is there a better way that I can

say this or do this thing? Like an honoring everyone's humanity equally? Thanks, Charity.

This was amazing conversation. So glad we did it. All individuals have a right to a life-free

abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, please call our 24 hour hotline 417-864-safe-417-864-7233

or chat 24-7 with an advocate on our website at myharmonyhouse.org. Visit our website or follow us on

our socials to stay up on the latest news and events. This is Voices Against Violence. Thanks for