Grieving a Pet

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1:03The last show with David Cooper. A pet can really make your house feel like a home. But when they pass, it's not just little foofoo's bowl that's empty. You can feel empty. And your home can feel empty. Quiet or sadder. So let's discuss how to grieve pet loss and how you can move forward here with Veterinarian and author, Naja Lubiu Hazard. Naja, welcome to the show. Oh, thanks so much, David, and thanks for inviting me. This is wonderful opportunity. I have the kind of interesting position that I never owned a pet. I mean, a real pet. I had fish, but I never owned a pet. I have a cat now until my 30s. And so I had the opinion, a very unfair one, that when people lost pets, I would say, oh, it's just a pet. I think anyone who has owned a pet knows that it's a lot different than that, right? Yeah, for sure. And I think it's very common if you haven't lived with a companion animal, you don't understand the depth of that bond. And so you don't understand how serious and complicated even the grief can become.

2:05So why can that grief get so intense, like you're a Veterinarian, you've seen this? Yeah, I think it has to do honestly with the companionship and the human animal bond. So a relationship with an animal, it's different than a relationship with a person, of course, but it can be really, really intense. They provide emotional support, psychological support. A lot of people say they're animals, they're best friend. You know, it's a relationship where there's no judgment, right? You're always loved. You're always welcome when you come home. And so, you know, it's yours with an animal like that. And so the loss is really intense. And for families with kids, the loss of a pet can be a child's like first real encounter with loss. How do we talk to our children about this stuff in an honest but not like overwhelming way? Yeah, I think the really, the best opportunity is to talk about death and dying before you're actually dealing with it. And there's lots of easy ways. Some come quite naturally, you know, maybe you pass a squirrel that's been hit by a car in the road.

3:08You can talk about it dying, being dead. You can talk about past relatives that have passed. Always great to read children's books. And instead of waiting till you lose your pet and then reading a book about pet loss, you can go ahead and read one beforehand so that they have a concept. I think with kids, my best advice would be to use really accurate and clear language. So instead of using all the euphemisms that we like to use like, you know, fluffy past away, went to sleep, put to sleep, left us, went to a better place, just use the word died. Here's something that really worries me. When my girlfriend takes our cat to the vet and for like the two hours that I'm home, the house feels so empty. And I've never experienced that emptiness that the home feels like when I've lost a pet. I'm kind of worried about it because I love my little kitty tomato so much. That feeling of the house really being empty and a pet really making a house of home. How do we even begin to deal with the grief there? I ask because I really don't know.

4:09Yeah, it's hard, it's really hard. And I find it, it's especially hard when I talk to people who live alone. So their main relationship, their primary relationship is with the animal that they live with. And it's tricky, you know, some people want to fill that void right away and adopt another animal. And for some people, that's a good solution. If they're looking for companionship and they're feeling really lonely. If they want to bring some joy back into their life, but it doesn't help you get over the grief. That's a separate beast. If you know what I mean, you've got to grieve the loss even though you're still engaging in new relationships. So over time, you know, the grief, the grief doesn't really go away, but your sort of your life builds around it. And you know, your life becomes bigger and the grief just sort of sits there. But when it first happens, that grief is intense and you need a lot of support to get through it. It sounds a lot like my divorce, but we won't go there. I think that's not it. I just mean the way that we process grief and loss. Like it never goes away, but your life shifts around it.

5:10I think that's a really nice frame. Are there healthy ways to memorialize a pet that is gone? So the grief has somewhere to go. Yeah, that's a great idea. One of the things that we talk about in the pet loss groups that I do is ways to honor our animals. And it's hard because we have a lot of socially sanctioned ways to deal with grief when we're talking about people. But we don't with animals. And so sometimes it just goes into this void. So you can consider all sorts of things. There are pet cemeteries. You can, you know, memorialize a bench or a tree. You can take the ashes to a certain place or bury them or, you know, buy a special urn. So it really depends on your sort of, you know, philosophy and ideas about what to do after someone has passed. But there's lots of great ways you can memorialize them. You know, you can do. There's so many great things like if you go on Etsy, you know, having a portrait of your pet done or having a little image etched onto a tea chain. You know, doing writing a journal about your animal, writing a love letter to your animal.

6:15There's so many great things you could do. I had someone on the show, this one's quirky and macabre, but he does like bone. He's like, not a taxidermist, but he does bone archer skeletons and my friend had her cat, like a sculpture made of the cat's bones. It's definitely out there, but it's kind of a nice thing. Her cat was so sweet. Yeah, there's all sorts of quirky things people do. I mean, you can take ashes and make them into jewelry as well. You can take pet fur and make it into jewelry. So lots of things you can do. We have a whisker jar every whisker we find we put in the jar. Whenever I look at the jar filled with like 30, 40, 50 whiskers, I always think I'm going to have this when you go, little buddy. I love that. I've never heard of the whisker jar. I'll have to share that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a weird thing and to collect whiskers. For someone listening who's got an older pet and knows that the goodbye may be coming someday, perhaps someday soon. Any advice for making the most of your time together? I know pets aren't people. Like a good day for a pet towards the end doesn't feel any better than a good day at the beginning. Yeah. Maybe that experience of joy with an older pet is more for you than the pet.

7:19Yeah. Do you have any advice there? Yeah, for sure. I think maybe this isn't answering your question specifically, but one of the things I think people should think about is the quality of life. And that's a conversation you can have with a veterinarian, but it's things to watch for with your animal and see if they're engaging in the things that they have always engaged in that they've enjoyed. So that's one thing to think about. I also think it's a really great idea if people have a conversation with their vet about euthanizing their animal before they need to make that decision. Nearly everyone I talked to who has had to euthanize an animal talks about the regret and the guilt, sometimes anger at the vet, sometimes confusion, sometimes like disbelief. So if you can actually sort of venture down that path, figure out how it gets done, what gets done, what your decisions will have to be, I think it's going to make it easier. And if you do that, then you can actually just really settle in and enjoy the last weeks, months, whatever time you have with your animal. A little more settled, you know, around what's going to happen and what things to watch for.

8:23No, I think that's really interesting. I think, and I don't know this from personal experience, but I can imagine when the day comes, there's two things. There's the active euthanizing, but then there's the active educating yourself what the process is like. And that second one is overwhelming. I'm sure in addition to what you're going through. So why not educate yourself and start that conversation early, figure out what the day will look like so that when it comes nothing comes as a shock. I think that's amazing advice, actually. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, for a lot of people, they can have an animal that's critically ill very suddenly. They might be at an emerged clinic and not with their regular vet. They might have a big financial decision to make. All these things really make it complicated. And sometimes it does have to be a quick decision. And so we have to sometimes deal with the emotional fallout of that. Should we jump into buying a new pet the very next day or do we need some time? I know people do it, no judgment, but in your opinion, is some time to grieve maybe a better idea? I think it's very personal. I've talked to people who, you know, within two days have a new puppy. And I've talked to people who a year later can't even consider, you know, having a new animal in their life.

9:27So I would suggest you take some time and really think about it, see what's happening in your life. One of the things that sometimes happens when we grieve is we might sort of, you know, enter a bit of a depression, feel lethargic, not motivated. And having a new puppy when you're feeling that way, that could be a real disaster, right? It depends, too. I think what you're looking for. You know, as I was talking about earlier, if you live alone and you lose a companion animal, maybe you do need some new companionship. Maybe that will help you feel less lonely in your grief. So I would say think about it for a long time before you make the decision. Well, you can check out Veterinarian and author, Nadja. Lubiu Hazards of coming short story collection titled The Life of a Creature available wherever books are sold at the end of April. Nadja, I've enjoyed this chat. Thanks for walking me through this topic. Yeah, thanks so much, David. It was wonderful being here, chatting about this with you. I hope it's meaningful for people who are listening.

10:39Hello there. Thursdays on global. I'm Madeline Matlock. She's the lawyer with a legendary name. Don't underestimate Miss Matlock. This one is a shark. You know it, baby. The one you can trust, even if she has to bend the rules. Things aren't always as black and white as they seem. To crack a case. This is how I get things done. Any winning actress Kathy Bates is Matlock. All new Thursdays at 90's turn on global. Stream on Stack TV.