From an Empty Cup

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Welcome to Conversations with Toy,

a block art tackling life one episode at a time.

This is a time to air out life's craziest moments.

This space is all about speaking about life hang ups

and ways in which we can lead better than when we started.

Topics are all about ways we can find space

to be better in life, love, mental space, and health.

Happy Friday.

I hope that you are having the most amazing week,

except if you are those monkeys, mess with punch.

Thank you for tuning into Conversations with Toy.

I am your podcaster, Toy.

I do wear a lot of hats.

I am a content creator.

I'm a freelance writer.

I am a blogger, influencer, but the hats that I love

wearing the most is being a mom of three amazing children

and a wife.

So I am super glad that you are here.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

If you've been here before, you know that I'm going to say

that it's never just a mistake that you've tuned into this podcast

on this particular day, whatever day that you are listening

to this one.

So welcome.

Nothing happens by mistake.

Everything is done according to what needs to be done.

So welcome to another episode.

It is Friday.

We have survived yet another, you know, traditional work week

for those who work a traditional work week hours.

And although we don't live just for Fridays,

that doesn't mean that we can't still celebrate Fridays

because every day that we are above ground

is a day to celebrate, and I'm glad that you are here.

Again, like I said, happy Friday and happy, you know,

good weeks to all except for those monkeys mess up with punch.

Punch is the sweet monkey that has been taken the world

by storm.

His mother deserted him.

He's been walking around with a little stuff plus animal

that he's kind of like, it's almost

like his emotional support animal.

And he's been getting the business between the other monkeys

being jealous of him and beating him up.

He just has not had the best road.

However, punch is resilient.

Punch can teach you a lot of lessons about resiliency.

And I hope that for those of us who are watching

that you are taking notes because notes need to be taken.

If you did not get a chance to listen to last week's episode,

I would encourage you to go back and listen to it.

It was a good episode in my opinion,

but you know, I could be a little bit opinionated.

But it was a good one.

We talked about, you know, some of the things

that were happening on the internet streets, especially

when it deals with wellness, specifically

about the therapist who decided to announce the fact

that she is no longer a therapist because she

wants to be a part of those who are not necessarily healing,

but trying to be a part of those who won't even need services.

So again, again, I love the Lord.

He has heard my cry and I love Jesus.

But I do believe that you can take care of your mental health

and it doesn't have to go against.

I do believe that God made therapists for a reason.

I think that there are even faith-based therapists.

If that's something that you seek,

I personally do not and would not personally want

a faith-based therapist.

And this is just personal.

I don't knock anybody who is doing it.

But for me, I think I've lived too much

under the rhetoric of religion and under that level.

And when I say religion is different than relationships,

so let me be very clear.

A lot of people are religious, meaning they know all the

scriptures and you all the things.

They do, you know, the these, the vows, they know everything.

But when it comes to relationship,

it's how you basically live in life,

how you show up in spaces.

Do people know that you're kind?

Do they know that you are discerning?

Do they know that you're not a bad person,

that bad mouse people?

What is your character like?

Because a lot of people who are more religious

don't care about their character.

That's why this is the reason why they stand

on their religion versus their character.

And some people can't stand on too much character

because they don't have none, okay?

So I would prefer for it to not, for anything,

to not be a religious experience, but to be a relationship.

So with that being said, I am super grateful for just being

here. I'm grateful for today.

There is a lot going on.

So without any further ado, let's talk about what's happening

on these internet streets.

What's been talked about on the internet streets

when it comes to therapy, mental health and wellness

is about pouring back into yourself.

What does it actually mean?

People always say you got to pour from,

you can't pour from into cup.

And people don't recognize they understand the words,

like they understand what it should mean,

but they don't understand the practicality of what it means

because they don't see the examples

of what that could look like.

For instance, when you're pouring from an empty cup,

you may be pouring from a place where you are literally

feeling gutted, right?

You feel like you have nothing else to give

and get your demands in life, the titles that you hold

require for you to show up.

For instance, if you're a parent, if you're a mother,

even though life might be going to hell in a hand basket,

you can't always take a pause and say,

you know what, I'm gonna have a seat somewhere,

I gotta take a time out

because life doesn't always work that way.

So when you're pouring from an empty cup,

what your kids and your children may be experiencing

is the irritability that's increased

because you're at your limit, you've tapped out,

you still have to be kind of sort of tapped in,

but you're not there, you're not all the way there.

And so we need to talk about what does it look like

when you're pouring from an empty cup?

What are examples of what it looks like

when you're pouring from an empty cup

because if you could see what it looks like,

you can recognize it so that you can then pour back

into your cup and then the next question is,

so then what does pouring back into your cup look like?

So let's talk about what you look like

when you're not pouring into the cup back

and you know putting anything into your cup

and then how can we put, what does it look like

when we start to put things back in our cup?

What does pouring back into our cup look like?

What does it mean and what does it look like?

Let's have that discussion.

One way that you can appear to be pouring

from an empty cup is that you cannot focus.

What does that mean?

You may be working and rewritten the same things five times.

You may be looking at the same thing two times

and then you forget like, oh yeah, I was doing A, B, or C.

Forgetfulness is a great way to notice

that you're pouring from an empty cup.

It usually means that your mind is completely preoccupied.

You're not really focused on the now.

You know how people say like, are you tuned in

or you're not tapped in, your mind is going everywhere

but what you need to do.

So you can't concentrate on one simple task

no matter how small it is.

And so that's an example, one example

of what it looks like when you're pouring from an empty cup.

Another way that you could look like you're pouring

from an empty cup is that you say yes automatically.

What does that mean?

You are so used to giving everybody a yes

when you really should say, let me think about that.

Let me get back to you because you don't find

that one you're able to.

It depends on the people that are asking.

If it's the same focus, if it's your family members,

your mom or your daughter, you catch a dog, whatever.

They're asking you for whatever it is

that they're asking for.

You're so conditioned to always say yes.

Even in situations where your spirit is telling you don't do it.

You know what I mean?

You give money to somebody.

You know that you're not supposed to

but you know they'll guilt trip you

or because you're not wanting to hear the guilt trip.

You just automatically say yes.

But in the yes, you're frustrated.

You're mad at the, mad at them for asking.

You're mad at yourself for saying yes.

And you're mad at yourself

because you know you're never going to see that money again.

So you're the automatic yes.

You don't consider it.

You don't think about it.

You don't say, hey, let me get back to you.

Let me see what I have you had to do.

And I'm going to be, here's a little thing.

Just a little trip.

You might not have anything to do

and you may not want nothing to do

and not having anything to do,

not wanting anything to do is also self-care.

We'll get to that in a minute.

Like I said, you forget simple things.

You don't know where your keys are.

You forget a doctor's appointment.

You know, your brain is on overload.

You have no idea what's going on.

You can't tell your left from your right

and your right from your left.

Those are examples.

Another one is multitasking.

Now, it takes you a lot longer to do it.

Like for instance, I think I'm a good multitasker

depending on the situation.

If it's something that has to do like with relationship,

I cannot multitask.

I can't do it hard for me to sometimes to decipher.

Like, okay, he wants my husband to do this.

I need to do that.

He wants more of me here.

I want more of that.

I have to take certain things

and kind of slow it down so I can make it more practical.

Once I make it more practical,

then I feel like I'm walking in it.

But when it comes to other things,

like I can write something, I can edit a video,

I can do multiple things.

But sometimes in that, even in that,

as multitasking as I can be,

it may be harder for me to do it.

I find it's taking me twice as long.

I was editing something that was taking me forever.

Now, was it because I was like,

you know, like this perfectionist?

No.

It had everything to do

because my mind was in multiple places.

Again, irritable as small things.

You'll be irritable like,

okay, somebody moved my cracker.

The cracker that's like right there,

but it's not in the exact,

like it might have moved a little bit

because maybe a bag was put down.

And you might be like, girl, it's a cracker,

but it's the little things.

It's always the little things.

The little things will always then multiply

to become bigger things.

And those little things will set you off quicker.

I am a living witness.

I can be cool as a cucumber, but one small thing.

It could be, I don't know if I talked about this last

but in the podcast, I just feel like I have.

Last week, it was something happened with my kids

and I was like, hey, who did this?

Who did that?

And it literally just sent me into another tailspin

because it's the small things, okay?

Another way that you can look like you're pouring

from an empty cup is you avoid decisions.

The small things like what to eat, right?

You know you should eat.

You got plenty of options in the home.

Maybe some of you have too many options

and therefore you're doing the most.

But for a lot of people, you have enough options.

May not be the ones you exactly want,

but something as simple as getting up and, you know,

you need to eat breakfast to start your day

to fuel your day.

And you're just like, well, I should eat.

I don't know if I should eat.

Then you start thinking about all the things

you have going on in the life.

That's saying you know it's 12.

Then you know you should eat a lunch.

You know you're supposed to do something,

but you don't do that and then you look up

and now it's time to go home.

You're starving and it's dinner time, okay?

Scrolling endlessly if you cannot put yourself on down.

If you cannot step away from your computer,

if you cannot do that.

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Last year I went through many different life changes.

I needed to take a pause and examine

how I was feeling in the inside to better show up

for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself.

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You could be porn from Intika.

Because when you're scrolling mindlessly,

now there's a difference.

I do sometimes, I think they call it,

what is it, bed, bed-grunging Islamists?

I don't know the term exact term,

but it's basically you sit in bed

and you dedicate your time to just doing that.

You may take an hour and you could just get up,

but you're like, you know what I'm gonna take an hour

and I'm just gonna just sit here.

I'm gonna have my mindless scroll.

That's not the same thing as when you're porn from an Intika.

And you seem like you're so addicted to the phone

that you can't put it down

because you're looking at everything that's going on.

You're comparing everything that you don't have

compared to what you think somebody has online.

And let me just say as a consecrated things

could be a lot of smoking screens.

Ask me how I know, okay?

So those are examples of what it looks like,

or what it possibly could look like

when you're porn from an Intika.

So what does it mean to pour back into yourself?

If you're giving yourself care, attention,

rest and nourishment, meaning are you feeding yourself

or are you taking and getting enough sleep

or are you taking care of yourself

or are you paying attention to the fact

that you're irritable, you need to take a step back.

Are you paying attention to the fact

that you just said yes to somebody

and then they asked you something two days ago,

two days later and you're saying yes again,

without taking proper precaution

to ask yourself if this is necessary.

If are you, again, are you getting enough sleep?

Are you staying up late at night

because you're overthinking about

or just thinking about the things

that you have long in your life?

Are you taking a step back?

How are your environments?

What are the environments like around you?

Is your environment like in your home

where you have other people,

would they demonstrate the fact

that they feel like your environment is peaceful

because you're contributing to that

or are you contributing to it being chaotic?

Chaotic in the way that you speak,

chaotic in the way that you act,

think about those things

because if you are taking note of those things,

taking a step back,

making sure that you're eating,

making sure that you're resting,

making sure that you look at the thoughtfulness of yourself,

I get it.

We are taught to be consider about other people,

but yes, you also have to do the same for yourself.

This is why even in the Bible,

it talks about, you know,

you're a Bible, we don't mind, we don't mind, we don't mind.

But in the Bible, it talks about how our husbands

is supposed to love their wives as God loves us.

And so therefore, that's how you know

if there's a leader in your home

or if you have somebody just wants to have on pair of pants, right?

And so you have to treat yourself

with the same kindness that you may teach your child.

Like you wouldn't teach your daughter to just do whatever she want

to do, don't care about her appearance,

don't care about how she looks, don't care about how she feels.

You would teach your daughter to care about herself.

So when you teach others,

you have to also take the lesson inside, okay?

Message, you gotta put that message on the inside as well.

Here are some ways, here are a few simple ways.

And they may take, they may take a lot of things to do.

It may, it may make a lot.

You may have to tell yourself,

you really have to retrain your way

that you think about yourself.

You may have to retrain the way you love yourself.

That's why people call it self-care and self-love.

Because a lot of us love others

because of the things that they do for us,

the things that they can give to us.

But we don't have enough to love ourselves

because we haven't learned how to love ourselves first.

So you could be very much coupled in a situation,

you could be in a situation which already lets you know,

you're not loving yourself enough in the first place.

But you've got to, again,

that self-care, that self-love, how do you showcase that?

Right?

You give yourself permission to pause.

Say, hey, even if I have a laundry list of things

that I would like to get done and it doesn't happen,

guess what, life is not over.

I, it's gonna be all right.

You will be okay, you're gonna make it another day, right?

You get to take the time to say,

I can't do everything in a day,

I'll get back to it tomorrow.

If you choose to do one task at a time

you set a multitasking, complete one task.

And that's gonna be hard for a lot.

I'm speaking to myself because I am the queen of,

I can do it all, I can just get, it'll be okay.

I'll just do 20 things, it's totally okay.

But the reality of it is,

is that we're not always made to do that.

And so slowing down is gonna be a lot for some of us.

And I'm putting myself in there too.

Another way that you know that you're pouring back into yourself,

if you are setting boundaries about what you're bandwidth,

you ever heard somebody say, I can't do another thing.

I can't take another thing.

I can't have another thing.

Then what boundaries did you put into place

before you got to that point?

Before you know, you said, you know,

you're getting on my quote unquote last nurse,

and they would say tie a knot and keep on moving.

Well, in life we're learning now that yes,

we can keep on moving, but we don't have to.

We actually are, it's okay for us to take a break.

It's okay, we'll take a step back, right?

But what are you putting into place that is,

says you know what, I cannot add anything else to my plate.

I can't say yes to everything, you know,

even with concentration.

I've been in a situation where I've had

contact creation happen and I've been asked to come to this event.

I've been asked to come to this and that.

But reality of it is, is that I can't, here.

I can't add anything else onto my schedule.

My schedule is already jam packed.

I don't have room.

Well, your mind works the same way.

You need to know what your bandwidth is.

Like I have said, I think two episodes before.

We can't wait to put an emergency plan in to play after the fact.

We have to know what the emergency plan is

before you need the emergency, okay?

So your mind works the same way.

Have you created pockets of quiet?

In my pocket of quiet, I like to listen to music on my headphones.

I like to watch maybe something on, you know,

maybe something on TikTok.

Maybe that's my thing, that is my thing sometimes.

But maybe sometimes for me, I like to read a good book

or I may use my word puzzle and using this word puzzle

or ooh, it's been good.

Or a word search, I love, absolutely love a word search.

Those are things that are in my pockets of quiet.

My word search, my music, my book, quiet.

What is in your pockets of quiet?

Do you like to be artistic and color and paint?

Whatever is in your pockets of quiet,

that's what you need to be doing.

Now you may say to me, I ain't got no pockets of quiet.

I know, I know.

That's what I'm trying to get you to do.

You need a pocket of quiet,

because that is how you pour back into your cup.

We all need times of quiet.

And here's the thing, hey, hey,

it can't be when everybody goes to bed

and now you just can sit there and think more and more

about your life and how you need to do more and more and more.

No, it has to be something you create.

Did you create a pocket of quiet?

Not just in a time came where you had quiet,

but then you're not also putting back into your cup.

See, some of us have quiet.

You know, you have a family,

your family finally goes to bed,

the house is finally quiet.

You can hear the noise of this, you know,

people snoring or sleeping, it's quiet.

But what are you doing in that pocket of quiet?

Did you create something that was just for you

in that pocket of quiet?

Also, and this is going to hurt a lot of y'all.

Asking for help is also another way

to pour back into your cup.

I saw a woman and she was valid.

Like when I tell you she was 100% valid in her crash out,

now she was vulgar.

So I'm not going to play the video here.

And also I'm not giving, I'm not about to, you know,

encourage this.

But she was saying when she was doing all the wrong things,

right, and she was talking about more sexually,

her family and friends was telling her, you know,

in order for her to be a good mom to be a decent person,

that she was going to have to do better.

And 100% I agree with whomever told her that.

I do agree.

I think that that is something that you should consider,

that if you're trying to become a better person,

that using your body may not be the best way to go about it.

However, what she was saying is that she's trying

to do the right thing, instead of using things like her body,

she's trying to find ways that she got a job,

she has children, she's trying to take care of.

So she's not trying to depend on a man's

by doing the things for a little strange things

for some change to get from point A to point B.

However, she said, you know, I needed things like,

hey, can you just run my daughter over to her grandmother's

house so the grandmother can help?

Could you pick this up and do a B and C?

And her family was giving her a pushback.

And her thought was when I was doing it the other way,

meaning I was using my body,

I had more peace than when I wasn't.

And y'all were the main ones encouraging me

to do the right thing, but when I need help

to get past certain things so I don't slide back

into the bad thing, you're not helping.

There are a lot of people,

there are a lot of people who do with this.

Everybody has an opinion about what somebody

should have could have what it did,

but you are not also a good source of anybody

that's gonna be able to help them

to make the better decisions or keep

in their decision-making.

She was already making good decisions.

She made the choice to stop using her body, right?

She made the choice to stop using her body

to get the things that she wanted.

And so now she's working, she's, you know,

being respectful, part of the community,

and she still needed help.

And the same people who told her not to do

these certain things, weren't always the same folks

that was like, you know what, you know what?

Let me look, you're doing the right things.

Let me go ahead and give you a little bit of help.

And she was crashing out about it.

And again, I know that in life,

no matter what you do, good, bad, or indifferent,

nobody owes you anything.

100%, do you hear me?

100%, I understand all of those things.

We don't have villages like we used to.

Villages are changing the scale of what villages

are able to do is change.

I'm gonna offer something that I had to work through.

My husband and I had to work through together

is that we are so used to our villages being our parents,

our aunties and our uncles,

our cousins and them.

And the villages are not looking the same.

Grandparents are not in the same place

where they can help raise children like they used to.

And quite frankly, she should have never have had to.

We understand that.

Let's acknowledge that so y'all can receive the next part.

And we don't have aunties and uncles

because they're doing their thing

and they may have their own families

that they're doing all the things.

Listen, we acknowledge those things.

However, the village may look different.

And because we're so stuck on it, looking a certain way,

we might be in a situation where we're not understanding

that we're cutting off our help

because it doesn't look the way we want.

You may want certain key players.

Like I have said this a million one times.

When I moved down from Lancaster to Pennsylvania,

my biggest struggle was that my support system

of Lancaster was air tight.

Do you understand me?

There wasn't anything that I didn't need

that I didn't have access to.

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Last year, I went through many different life changes.

I needed to take a pause and examine

how I was feeling in the inside to better show up

for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself.

When you're navigating life's changes,

Talkspace can help.

Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy,

bringing you professional support

from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers

that you can access anytime, anywhere.

Living a busy life, navigating a long distance relationship,

becoming a first step father,

Talkspace made all of those journeys possible.

I could speak with my therapist in the office.

I could speak with my therapist in the comfort of my home.

I was never alone.

Talkspace works with most major insurers

and most insured members have a zero dollar copay.

No insurance, no problem.

Now get $80 off your first month

with promo code space80 when you go to Talkspace.com.

Match with a licensed therapist today at Talkspace.com.

Save $80 with code space80 at Talkspace.com.

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It didn't matter who it was.

I had a small circle, but my circle,

well let me tell you something about my circle, people.

We're going to continue talking about porn into your cup,

but my circle was small because I didn't allow

to everybody around my child at the time,

but it was mighty.

Do you understand?

There was times when I would have to go into the hospital

with her because she was born with breathing issues, right?

Asmon things.

And so when I needed to go into the hospital,

I could get somebody to come move my car.

So my car wouldn't, you know,

I wouldn't care all these fees for her

being in the hospital, all that stuff.

I could get somebody to say,

hey, I'll keep her until you can get off work.

I had people that would say,

hey, I'll go do grocery shopping for you.

I'll keep her while you can do it.

I had an airtight community moving

from Lincoln, Pennsylvania,

that community went to hell and a hand basket.

I had very limited people.

If it wasn't for my mother-in-law doing it every now and again,

I didn't have anybody.

I didn't have anybody.

I remember people, even from my husband's side of the family,

asking me to watch day child,

but they ain't watching none of mine.

So when I needed them to watch it,

all of a sudden, they was unavailable and too busy.

I learned very quickly,

you'll never get another chance.

I ain't watching nobody's kids.

I ain't no none of that, you know why?

Because my community and my circle of people were different.

But what I did learn is that when I learned

that my circle was different,

but it was still mighty,

is when I learned that I asked for help from my friends.

My friends became the biggest support system.

I love my family because I know there's probably

family members who's like, well, you never asked.

I don't live in the same city as the people

that I would even consider if somebody

had an attitude about this, right?

And even the ones that made one a cat an attitude,

where did I lie?

Where's the lie?

Like, show me where the lie is at.

Because I can actually prove receipts.

I got receipts of the things that I may have asked

and didn't get because folks be focused.

But at the end of the day,

when I realized that my village included my friends,

my air types village that I had in Lancaster

became strong as it was there here.

I just had to learn to ask.

And sometimes asking is another way to pour back

into your cup and to protecting your focus.

How do you protect it, right?

Ask yourself what actually does deserve your energy?

Like the other day,

now my oldest is about to graduate next year.

But we have so many events that are coming up.

You know how it is.

And because of those things,

I almost wrote a petty post.

I was going to write a petty post.

And let me tell you what the post is.

I got to get out of my system,

so I might as well tell you.

In my petty post, I was going to say,

hey, we get into that time of,

you know, the time of Nile's life, my daughter's life,

where we're going to get to the point

where all these different events was going to be happened.

We got junior prom, we got senior prom,

we got this, we got that.

And so many people are going to want to have front receipts.

Right?

I don't want to have front row seats

to the things that she's doing,

the big events, right?

The big ones.

And I ain't heard a month of Sunday

from folks who ain't never called to see

if these kids was okay.

Hey, y'all need anything?

You need anything?

My husband got sick.

And I ain't heard nobody say,

hey, y'all has everything going with him.

Is there anything I can do?

And then actually followed up with,

this is what I can do to help you.

I don't like when people say,

tell me what I can do.

You do know there's something you could do.

Say, hey, these are the resources that I have.

Is any of these things have helped to you?

That's how you ask.

And my petty post was going to say those very things.

And then I said to myself,

you're trying to take care of your mental health and wellness,

stirring the pot for a while.

Because if these people decided from my post

to then all of a sudden call and do,

it would be performative, right?

So I said, am I wasting my energy, right?

I'm supposed to be taking care of myself.

I'm supposed to be making sure

that I put my focus on things that matter.

That didn't matter.

Because when these big events happen,

we're going to have some people

who ain't never checked on these babies.

They're going to come over here

and they're going to skin and grin

and they're going to take pictures.

And I'm going to hear the same thing.

I'm going to hear the same thing.

I'm going to tell you what I'm here on my side.

She looks just like you.

Oh my gosh, she's so big and beautiful.

She's just doing, we're so proud of her.

You don't even know her.

She don't even know you.

And that's what I'm going to hear.

And me writing that post wasn't going to change that.

These folks are performative.

There are people in both sides of my side of the family,

my husband side of the family, friends

that are performative.

People are performative.

So why would I waste my energy making that post

so I can stir the pot?

And for why these folks will do what folks will do?

So in essence, to keep my mental health and check,

not stir the pot and then get ready to be mad

when I have to then defend it.

Which I'm going to tell you one thing about me.

I actually am a good, I actually do like to fight a little.

I like to fight a lot.

But in my, in my 40s, I'm not fighting with my hands.

I'm not fighting with my mouth even.

I just not dealing with folks.

That's the sweet spot and you get to them good 40s.

Just do that light bulb come on.

You ever watch the media play?

So about when your bulb come on.

What a bulb has been on.

I'm about to be 45.

I ain't fighting with nobody

because the receipts receipt themselves.

My children don't know certain people's names.

Now, some could say that's my husband and I's fault.

Give or take could be.

I'll take my responsibility and that he'll take his.

But the other part of it is that I don't chase.

I never had to chase people.

I grew up when people were, you, I've watched people chase, right?

But I learned that people do what they actually want to do

for those that they want to do it for.

So when I grasped that knowledge, I learned that in therapy.

I had to give, it was a hard lesson for me.

It was a hard lesson for me.

I learned that a couple of years ago.

But when I learned that lesson, it made it easy for me

to say, hey, if you wanted to, they would never hear that.

When you talk about relationships, everybody's quick to say,

if you wanted to get your flowers, he would, you're 100% correct.

If you wanted to get your flowers, he would.

And if they wanted to show up and be a part, they would.

I had somebody in a family member

write on my social media page.

And it was from a name I didn't even know.

And to this day, I was just like, okay, what was you thinking?

If you thought if you wrote it on a social media page,

I would say, oh my God, you should come, no.

And they were just like, well, we would have come.

And I think my oldest was graduating

going into high school, right?

And now she's about to graduate next year

and go out of high school, right?

And they wrote this like, oh, we would have known,

we would have come.

If you would have been more, if it would have been more

communication, you might not have needed to see it

on social media.

You might have already known about it.

And people who want to be a part of lives,

they are a part of lives.

But I had to learn that instead of me getting upset

by the fact that folks don't show up,

I'm just grateful for the folks who do.

My children have a bountiful amount of folk

that pour into them.

They know that my children just got ABC a word

before it would hit online because we talk often, right?

They would know that my children got a scholarship

to whatever they have gotten a scholarship to

because they are a community outside of social media.

And so when it's already on social media,

those who were involved, those were engulfed,

those who were shown up would have already known.

What I am learning, even in that self-care

and pouring back into my cup is things are already put

into place and I don't have to fight the battle anymore.

I don't have to fight the fight.

I'm not saying, oh, you know, well, next time,

I'm not doing any of that.

I'm standing firm on what is and I'm gonna keep it moving.

So again, you need to know what it looks like

when you're not pouring into your cup,

you also need to recognize what it looks like

to pouring into your cup and then you have to make sure

that you are focused on the things that matter.

Like I said, that example with my daughter.

That example with my daughter is a touchy spot for me

because when I got pregnant with her,

my injury I was 28 years old.

Let me just, I was 27 when I got pregnant with her,

I was 28 when I had her.

People made a big deal as if I was some 17 year old girl

and had just gotten pregnant.

I had already graduated from high school,

graduated from college, had a job, had a car, had a place, right?

Everything that you're supposed to have to

when you're supposed to be an adult, right?

And not being married was the only thing

that the people from my church

and people from my family was focused on.

Not granted, not the mention of all of their kids

that already had kids before they was 20,

not to mention all of their kids, all these things, right?

No need to go backwards.

But that part of me with my child,

specifically my oldest daughter,

has a touchy spot for me

and I'm going to be very open to admit that

so that I can then focus on going forward.

Like I'm going to be working with this

with my therapist about how do I go forward

in this new season and then also take care of myself.

And also still putting boundaries in place.

Just because I have to open it up to more people

than I would like to where it comes to her celebration,

doesn't mean that I'm not putting checks and balances.

You are not going to come in there and run Russia,

like my mom would say and do what you want to do

just because I have to be more open to the fact

of having other people around her

than the people who have been supporting her.

That doesn't mean I'm going to let you run over

and do what you think you're going to do.

That doesn't mean you get to have no say

about what you think should be happening.

All those things are put into place.

So how to place those boundaries

are going to be key for me.

And if you've ever dealt with something like this,

I'm quite sure you may have the same types of feelings.

You've got to know where those checks and balances are, right?

And also, I'll just say this very openly.

Where I'm concerned, I'm not very sociable with people.

Never have, probably never will.

I have had social moments with a lot of people,

but I'm not as sociable because I just,

I recognize my, I recognize my anxiety.

I recognize what I need to pull back.

And I'm not as open to just flow with people

because flowing with people and having those spirits

interchange, I'm not here for it.

I just, there's something that I've learned about myself

and I'm okay with that.

I say all that to say, my husband is more sociable.

So people will gravitate towards him.

And it's not in a some disrespectful way,

but they will gravitate towards him.

And my issue with all those things,

as I'm dealing with and learning a more about myself

is the fact that you might be more,

you might gravitate towards him for more things,

but him and I have a,

we have a conversation that leads

and will proceed anything in anybody

that thinks that because they feel like they'll just

all bypass the wife and go to the husband,

it ain't gonna get you but so far.

It's not gonna get people but so far

because as sociable as I'm not, I am still direct.

And because I have no fear factor of people not liking me

because people ain't been liking me

only because of the simple fact that I just,

you know, it could be things that have happened

or just whatever the case may be.

I'm not interested in folks liking me to a certain degree.

I'm okay with telling you know

where he might not.

I'm okay with telling you know.

So this is very interesting as I'm,

and again, I love it.

I absolutely love when my life and the things

that I have going on could be the topic of discussion

because what I've said plenty of times

and I'm gonna say it again,

one thing I can be a master of is a master of me.

And because I'm a master of me,

I don't have a problem talking about something

before somebody get a hold to it.

I have no issues with that.

But again, I'm hoping that something that I am saying

is resonating because it's true.

A lot of us are dealing with these interchangeable relationships,

family relationships and dynamics,

friend relationships and dynamics,

children relationships and dynamics.

And a lot of that does play.

It does have a heavy play and how you move

and what you say yes or no to.

It just, it's simply, it's simple and does it just does.

And so as you're navigating this thing,

learn to pour into your cup

because when your cup is full,

you can put these little things,

some things to decide,

some things do have to go to the side.

And the others, you're like, you know what?

Nuck if you book.

I don't own nothing to nobody.

Nobody can hold nothing over my head.

And that's the way I like, you know song,

like that's the way I like it.

That's the way I like it.

Cause I then I can be free.

And one thing at 40 something years old,

I wanna be free.

I don't wanna be held back to anybody's opinions

and think that I can only grow but so far

because you put a curse on me because you don't like me.

So nothing I do will be successful.

That's not how this works.

This is not how this works at all.

All I want is for everybody,

including myself to live with peace

with those who wanna be living peace

because that's a big one right there.

I went to a family function

and it wasn't my side of the family.

And somebody says something to me before I can even put

my foot on the porch.

It took Jesus Christ, the black and the brown one,

for me to not turn around and tell my husband,

you and them kids, go ahead,

get your ourselves over on home.

I'ma go ahead and head out.

Cause I think we were in my car.

I'ma go ahead and head out.

Now what upset me was not that they had said it.

That didn't move me neither here nor there.

I was actually, I wasn't even shocked by it.

What upset me in the situation was that I was trying

to quote unquote keep the peace

and what I really should have done was left.

Remove myself immediately.

How do you bother somebody who ain't put

a baby toe on the porch?

A house that wasn't even yours to start something, how?

So I was very upset for a while.

I just talked to my therapist about that.

Cause I was like why did I say something?

Why did I try to keep the peace?

I'm not in the place of keeping peace.

If for any reason I go to anything,

this is my side of the family,

his side of the family, friends that I'm just kinda

like cordial with, but it's like we just key key,

but I ain't really like phoma with you like that.

I'm not keeping the peace anymore.

What that means is I'm not gonna ever get

in any place and act of fool never.

Cause that's not me.

That's not how I'm rolling.

But I will remove myself without even explanation.

I will just turn around and walk away.

Get up and you can then say all the things

that you choose to say as you say it to the backside

of me cause I'ma be up out of here.

I am no longer doing that.

And you know what?

That's a beautiful balance.

Cause again, what has keeping the peace ever done?

Nothing.

It may be more mad just the fact that again,

not that I didn't say anything

cause I should have, I should have custom out.

I'm beyond custom folks out.

I used to do that so well.

I cut so good.

I used to cut, well I still cut so good,

but I used to cut so real good to folk.

If you quote unquote got on my nerves.

If you quote unquote was quote unquote disrespectful.

You disrespect me.

You know, when you're in your 20s,

you think you know everything and you just slowly learn

when you get to your 30s and 40s,

you know nothing, right?

Right, right, right.

I got to that point.

I had to learn.

You don't know nothing.

You was talking at the side of your neck to people

that you should have been quiet to.

You should have apologized a lot quicker than you should have.

You should have been more humble than you should have.

Oh, I learned some deep seated relationships

when I went no contact with a bunch of people.

In going no contact with folks.

I, God was literally, it felt like God was kicking my behind.

I was like, you know, when you get them kids

that need to get they behind, kids, just a little bit,

that's how I felt.

And I felt like I was a girl.

You are out of pocket.

You are out of control.

You are doing too much.

This is not a me.

I never told you to say that.

I never told you to do that.

You are moving on your own.

And I had to learn that horrible lesson.

And as much as I was pointing the finger out,

my therapist said, no, no, no, let's turn them fingers in.

And when that happened, I felt like I was being ripped

because I had to go back mentally and emotionally

and deal with myself where my auto control spirit was

to be honest.

And now that I feel like my spirit is a lot more under control,

I have no fighting me to start fighting folks for nothing.

And even if it's for something, I ain't got it.

I can't go back, my children need me.

But in that, I still learned that just because

there was a lot about me that I needed to fix,

there was a lot about the situation

that needed to be dealt with.

And what I decided to do was to grant peace and love

to people that would never return it back to me.

And that lesson gave me the strife to be the person

that I am right now.

People do not have a front row seat in my life.

I don't sit around talking about these folks.

It's only situational.

When certain situations come up, I am triggered by it.

And I say to myself and to my therapist,

this is bothering me.

What do I need to do?

What should my response be?

How can I get to a place where I can live a harmony

with people that I don't want to be around?

And then if and when they do something

that is disrespectful to me,

I want to know how I can handle it.

And if that means leaving, then that's what I will do.

I love that my husband has been very open

to having conversations about whomever

and saying the things out loud.

Instead of just saying it quietly amongst us,

like saying it out loud has been healing for me.

And so I'm grateful, I'm grateful for that.

But again, how can you pour into yourself

and recognize the many of times when you have it or not

so that you can get to the place where you can do better

and make sure that you were good?

Because this world is already designed to do the most.

You've got to get into your spirit

how you can take care of yourself.

So that is the episode.

And I'm glad that my life was a focus point

for this episode because I talk about myself

because I know myself well,

I can't talk about what so and so is doing at their house.

I don't care what so and so is doing at their house

because what so and so is doing at their house

ain't got none to do with me.

What I do know is what the things that I still trip up on,

the things that I'm still having happen,

the things that I'm learning about myself,

the things I'm learning about the people around me

and the checks and balances that are being put into place

in my life, in the lives of my children,

in the lives of those who I am around and beyond.

So I am grateful.

I'm grateful for everything that I felt like I quote

unquote lost.

I used to feel like I lost so much.

But what I learned is that I gained so much more

and I probably would not be a solid,

five second solid human if I had not had to take a chance

to leave my environment, which was Lancaster move up here

and felt like I was fighting for my life.

But in fighting for my life, I got my life back.

I don't think I would be the parent that I'm at

that I am right now.

If I hadn't moved here, I don't think I'm the person

that I am and I definitely would even be a business person

if I not moved from where I was to where I am now.

So even in the tough things,

even the things that look bad, it can be,

it literally can be a focus point

of being a beautiful thing.

So I'm grateful for your attention today on this episode.

Thank you for all the things that you guys are doing.

Y'all are running my numbers up and I love that.

That means you're listening and I'm hoping that

and listening that it's because it's something that feels good,

it's something that is good and that is something

that is building you up or at least making you think.

I was listening to a speech by David Banner

and he was saying, you may not like me

and you may be thinking all kinds of things about me,

but what you think about me doesn't matter,

but at least you're thinking.

And I said, somebody give him the offer and play

because that man preached and that speech right there.

But yeah, you may have your thoughts

about what you're thinking about me.

I'm not here to change that.

I'm not here to make you look differently

or to uplift me and high-five me.

That's not where I'm at, but at least you're thinking.

That's all I can ask for is that you at least think.

Okay, so that is the episode.

You know the drill.

Find one activity if not more

that you can pour into yourself this weekend or in this week.

Make sure that it has nothing to do with your titles.

Make sure that you are doing something that you love,

you enjoy and here in Philadelphia,

I'm hearing rumblings that it might be a little warmer.

So I love that for all of us and I'm hoping

that you have the best week and the best weekend

and we will be back next week to talk about it some more.

Thank you for listening to Commentations With Away.

Thank you as always for joining me

and I know that even in the deepest

or joyful conversations that there's something

we can learn and apply.

Until next time, I hope that you are doing better.

If not, we will be back to talk some more and handle it.

Peace to you and yours, stay grounded.

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