comedyfictionsociety

Fibber McGee and Molly - Fire Commissioner McGee

Old Time Radio Comedy·Mar 18, 2026·30:18

About this Episode

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Transcript

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This is the time of year when maple leaves and football forecasters begin to turn yellow.

There's a nip in the air in Wistfulvista,

and our hero thinks a fire in the fireplace will be pretty dandy.

So here with papers and kindling and matches in the bucket of kerosene

and not enough accident insurance,

we find that unintentional arsonist and his watchful wife,

Faber McGee and Molly.

Eh, that ought to do it.

Hand me that bucket of kerosene, Molly.

I will not.

Huh?

You've got enough paper and kindling in there to barbecue and elephant.

McGee, don't pour that on there, don't know.

Oh, Molly, don't be such a scaredy-can.

Here, watch.

Oh, dear.

When you get through starting that fire, McGee,

run downtown, get me some dynamite.

Huh?

I want to open a can of sardines for lunch.

What's a few drops of kerosene?

Where's the matches?

Oh, here they are.

I'll have a roaring fire in here in no time at all.

Yes.

A roaring fire and a hauling insurance adjuster.

McGee, for the last time, please don't do that.

I'm going to step back a little, Molly.

It may flare up a little bit at first.

Oh.

Wow.

McGee.

Look out.

Put that screen in front of it.

Don't worry.

I got it under control.

Hand me my coat.

The rubbed on fire.

Here, here.

Beated.

Where?

Beat off the fire cooling.

Yes.

Oh.

Yeah, please.

I'm going to use safety matches to start it with.

Then kitchen matches make too big of a flame.

There.

It's okay, Molly.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Sure.

It's fine.

The house full of smoke.

The rug all scorched and you've only got one eyebrow left.

Well, how did I know that would go?

Oh, dear.

Quick, wipe the sit-off of your face, McGee.

You look like an end man.

You look like a mommy yourself, mommy.

Come here.

Heavenly days, it's Mayor Latribia.

Come in, Your Honor.

Hi, Mr. Mayor.

Today, McGee.

How do you do, Mrs. McGee?

I just...

What goes on, humiliating?

No, the fireplace backfired, Mr. Mayor.

Won't you have a chair?

Thank you, no.

Just stop in on a matter of business.

Mr. McGee, you're a public-spirited citizen.

I'm sure you would be glad to give the city the benefit of your executive experience.

Why, certainly, Your Honor.

What do you want me to do?

Run for your job next year?

Why?

Shucks, I'll be glad to.

All I got to do is profit by the mistakes you've made, and I'll show you.

McGee.

That's a Mayor talk.

Oh.

Mr. McGee, the office of Mayor of Wistpovista is not under discussion.

Oh, you think not?

If you'd hear what people are saying about McGee.

That's a Mayor talk.

Okay, go ahead, trivial.

To be brief, McGee.

One of our officials is making a nationwide survey.

We'll be out of the city for a week or 10 days.

His office is too valuable and important to remain vacant during that time.

I want you to fill the vacancy, Pro Tem.

Oh, what job is it, Mr. Mayor?

Fire Commissioner.

Well, bud, you've come to the right man.

With my experience in fire parade.

Pardon me, it's the smoker.

Very well, then we'll consider it settled.

Here's a badge and here's your official appointment.

Mr. Mayor, I accept with pleasure.

And I must say that for a city like our Wistpovista, a man like me is none too good for it.

I think so too.

Thank you, Mr. McGee.

I'll inform the City Council that the office has been filled Pro Tem.

What does Pro Tem mean?

That's a Latin phrase, meaning try and keep it.

Thank you and good day.

Hotdog, imagine me, Molly. Fire Commissioner.

The first thing I'm going to do is call a meeting of the Chamber of Commerce this afternoon and give them a talk on fire prevention.

Yes, and if they ask how you scorched your eyebrow, tell them you were cleaning the fireplace and didn't know it was loaded.

Now let's see, I better have the Secretary of the Chamber telephone all the members.

It's probably for me, Molly.

Hello, Fire Commissioner McGee speaking.

Oh, oh, oh, hi, Rosco.

Sure, okay, Rosco.

I'm calling a special meeting of the Chamber for two-thirty this afternoon.

Can you be there, Rosco?

Oh, that's fine.

Yeah, you bet you're Rosco. I'll see you there.

Okay, glad you called, Rosco.

Hey, Molly.

Yeah.

Do I know anybody named Rosco?

What do you do now?

Oh, these constituents.

Always coming around to ask us city officials for a favor.

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Mmm, one iced coffee.

99 cents, please.

For real? No way.

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For real? No way.

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Oh, hello, Mr. Department.

Oh, hi, Nick.

Hello, QB.

Hello, Fizzar.

What is this unfounded roommate I'm hearing about you being annoyed at the pro-temporary fight of commissionaries?

Well, it's true, Mr. Depopolis.

He's hot stuff, and he's got a badge to prove it.

Molly, remind me to get you some throat tablets.

What?

You're developing a bad scoff.

Oh, commissioner.

What was you saying, Nick?

What I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted,

he's been in my restaurant since we are having quite a fire in his room.

I'll say we have...

What is the fire hazard in your restaurant, Nick?

Well, when we are getting an order for a charcoal grill for the steakhouse...

No, you mean porter outside.

It's the same thing, only topper.

Every time the cook is charcoal grilling it, the bacon grease in the frying pan is catching itself into a big flame of fire.

And all we can do is stand there, hopeless.

Haven't you got a fire extinguisher?

Sure.

But every time we squirt it on a frying pan, it is making the steak taste very peculiar.

Well, look, Mr. Depopolis.

Your restaurant specializes in charcoal grilled steaks and chops, doesn't it?

Oh, smear to me.

Just like mother used to make papa mad by cooking them the same way.

Why, QB?

Well, it's a little drastic, maybe, but why don't you get yourself a charcoal broiler?

Well, for Scream Sea.

I never thought of that.

Thank you.

Ah, Molly, this is a great day for Wispobista.

Is it?

It surely is.

Why, when the citizens of this community, this little city of homes and schools and churches,

realize that their safety and well-being are now in the hands of Fibramagi acting fire commissioners.

Oh, stop acting fire commissioners.

Sting voice.

The King's men sing tapioca.

I used to work upon the levee.

Waiting for the steamer to go down.

Sometimes he was voted not to be heavy.

Sometimes he would run agon.

Why'd you want to give me for my dinner?

Tater kicks a cook in there really.

Oh, that's good enough for any sinner.

And that's very good enough for me.

Tapioca.

Man, he wants you and you pick you up on the focus.

It's an apioca.

Apioca.

Come on, we'll have a two-billion.

Working under real rules, twenty-six a day.

Johnny Puckett is in on the banjo.

All me and my mind.

Seven and every man, but don't you hear the baby cry?

Or working under real rules, never get a pay.

I'm not a man, I'm not a man.

I'm not a man.

Have yoga, come on, we'll have it you'll believe it.

Workin' on the railroad, 20 cents a day.

Johnny, fuck a tune on your band's old.

Oh, me, oh, my, oh, my.

Mammie, mammie, mammie, don't you hear the baby cry?

Oh, me, oh, my, oh, my.

Oh, Mammie, don't you hear the baby cry?

Well, have you got your speech written for the Chamber of Commerce meeting, Commissioner?

Nope, I'll just add a little bit.

I'll start off by saying ladies and gentlemen of the Chamber of Commerce.

Well, that's a snappy opening.

An incidentally commissioner, I wish you'd report to the chief of police about the cop

in this neighborhood.

He's growing a beard and he looks terrible.

I've already spoke to the cop about it.

Well, what'd you say?

I told him to quit bushing around the beach.

OK.

Imagine that.

We almost took that out too.

OK.

Man, that reminds me.

I better call the Chamber and see how many members they've rounded out.

And in the bone.

Here.

There.

Hello, operator.

Give me the whistle, Mr. Chamber.

Oh, is that you, Mert?

Oh.

How's every little thing, Mert?

It is, eh?

What say, Mert?

You're old man.

In the hospital.

He shot off his watch?

Oh.

Happily days, McGee.

What happened?

He was in Brooklyn last week and shot off his mouth about the Yankees.

What say, Mert?

Oh, well, don't matter.

Thanks, anyway, Mert.

Ah, great, Gail, Mert.

How about she just lives for the few moments she talks to me every week?

You call that, living?

Now to remind me, we better get going.

A guy in my position owes it to the citizens to be punctured.

Oh, you're punctured, all right, dear.

Everything we own, we've bought on time.

I didn't mean that.

Well, congratulations, February old man,

so you're the new fire commissioner.

Isn't it wonderful, Mr. Will pass?

It's nothing that any red-blooded, clean, live in American boy.

Couldn't have done.

Well, it's a wonderful opportunity, my boy.

You can now serve not only your city,

but those people in Racine, Wisconsin,

who have done so much for you and me.

Okay, Wilcox.

Drag it in, but don't drag it out.

Why, as fire commissioner, Fiber,

you can help prevent fires.

And fire is just about the only thing

that Johnson's self-polishing blowcoat

won't protect your linoleum against.

Dirt, yes, dampness, yes,

stains, yes,

scuffs and scratches, yes,

but fire, no.

So it's you and Johnson's

blowcoat against destruction, pal.

Get in there and fight.

I made the best finish, finish first.

Johnson!

Yeap!

Oh, you know, McGee, that man has been seen

too many football games.

You had me so hopped up,

I was tempted to drop back for a quick kick.

But I restrained myself.

Well, come on, Molly,

I don't want to be late for that meeting.

Get your happiness up here.

Come in.

Hi, Mr.

Oh, hello there, little girl.

I'm sorry, I ain't got time to talk to you now.

I've just been made acting fire commissioner

and I'm very busy, what you want.

Will you tell me a story please?

Will you, will you, please?

Oh, for the here I am,

just a point of the fire commissioner

with the safety of the whole town in my hands.

And you want me to tell you a story.

Well, that's always the way isn't it, Mr.

The more important a man is,

the more time he has for a lack of kindness, huh?

Well, all right.

I ever tell you about the time I was captured by the Indians.

In Cleveland?

No, no, no.

Not the Cleveland Indians.

These were Shawnees.

Thank you, Chinese Indians.

Oh, boy.

I didn't say Chinese.

I said Shawnees.

Shaw, like in George Bernard.

He's English, I bet.

There he is.

He's as English as Rolls-Beef.

It's what?

Rolls-Beef.

I don't care what.

Now, you want to hear the story or don't you?

No.

Oh, sure you do, sis.

No.

Well, sir, one day whilst wandering through the mountains,

walking very carefully on account of the wild animals,

men living in the wild sis has got to learn to use their beans.

Use them, huh?

Beans.

Go ahead, Mr. I don't like beans.

What happened in the mountains?

I found a little kitten, a little baby mountain lion.

And you know what I named the kitten?

Kaboodle.

Why, mister?

Well, Kaboodle was an old Shawnee Indian word, meaning,

look, fellas, I found a mountain lion.

Ah, them Indians could sure put a lot of meaning into one little word.

Well, sis?

You said that.

Huh?

Oh.

Well, anyway, sis, years later I was in the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago,

and I happened past the pit where they keep the mountain lions.

And all of a sudden I had a hunch.

I leans over the edge of the pit and hollers.

Hey, Kaboodle.

It's Obtug.

Mm-hmm.

Obtug.

That's a Shawnee word, meaning white man found mountain lion.

Oh.

Well, sir, the minute that lion heard my voice,

he comes bounding to the edge of the pit, sticks out his paw,

and rips my shirt right off.

Barner killed me.

It wasn't Kaboodle at all.

Wasn't that an amazing story?

Mister, the Shawnee haven't got anything on us, I betcha.

We're saying a lot in one little word.

What you mean, sis?

Foy.

Next class, please.

For you.

Next time I tell her a story, I'll keep it to myself.

Now, listen, Doug Tug.

We better spam out of the teepee for Apollo down at the big lodge.

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Oh my gosh, almost time for the meeting.

Well, come on, let's get going.

Music

Martha Dillton singing Easy Street.

Easy Street.

I'd love to live on Easy Street.

Nobody works on Easy Street.

Just sit around all day.

Just sit and play the horses.

Life is sweet.

For both who live on Easy Street.

No weekly payments you must be.

That makes your hair turn grey.

When opportunity comes, nothing is as keep on with your rockin'

Cause you know your fortune's made.

And if the sun makes you perspire,

There's a man that you can hire to plant trees.

So you can have shade on Easy Street.

I'm tellin' everyone I mean.

If I could live on Easy Street.

I wouldn't want no job today.

So please go away.

Music

When opportunity comes, nothing is as keep on with your rockin'

Cause you know your fortune's made.

And if the sun makes you perspire,

There's a man that you can hire to plant trees.

So you can have shade on Easy Street.

I'm tellin' everyone I mean.

If I could live on Easy Street.

I wouldn't want no job today.

So please go away.

Music

Hello ladies and gentlemen of the Chamber of Commerce.

As acting fire commissioner,

I want to say that as long as we're all in the same boat,

Walking along life's pathway together.

But it's all for our shoulders to the grindstone.

Color's flying, gird up our lions and co-honuses,

And make whisper this to a better safer place to live in which to live in.

Media may I ask the question commissioner?

Of course bud.

All us public servants welcome comments from the people.

What's the question?

Is there any penalty for turning in a false alarm?

There certainly is.

Then I guess you're safe for a while.

And if the chameleon who just spoke will come to our next fire,

We'll be glad to let him mingle with the rest of the silly ashes.

The lady will please address the chair as you who commissioner.

You have the floor madam.

Well I've been talking to Mr. Mild sitting next to me here and he has a complaint to me.

He has a billy.

Do you mean to sit there with no sleeves in your vest?

And criticize this fire department?

Yes I do, skimp.

Stayed your cage.

Well last week I was knocking off some hot licks on my piano and it caught on fire.

Yes.

That was about 3pm.

Your fire department didn't show up until 6.30.

Did you call him right away?

Oh do you have to call him?

Oh just to show you how wrong Mr. Mills is and how quick our boys do get on the job,

I'm going to try to experiment.

We're going to turn in on alarm right now and see how long it takes him to get here.

Find me.

Mrs. Commissioner McGee, will you please step to the telephone and call the fire department?

Certainly.

Pardon me please.

And thank you.

Hello operator.

Give me the whisper of this fire department.

Oh is that you Mirtle?

No no no.

Never mind that.

Fire department.

Give me the fire department Mirtle quick.

Hello fire department.

I want to...

What?

No this is not the proper goal.

I'm calling from the chamber of commerce.

It's on fire.

Hurry.

Thank you Mrs. McGee.

And now if you'll all keep an eye on your watches, we'll see just how long it takes

our brave fire ladding.

Uh, Mr. Commissioner.

And here I see a few words for our real great team.

Well certainly.

The chair recognizes Mrs. Upington.

Inspired of that funny looking hat.

Mrs. Upington.

Commissioner McGee and fellow members of the Whistful Vista Chamber of Commerce.

I'll make it snappy Abigail.

Technically we're on fire.

Very well.

I merely wish to protest against the unseemly nerve-wracking sounds emitted by our fire department

on its way to a conflagration.

Such bell and sirens is ridiculous.

Can't we install some melodious chimes, such as our third on the good humatrums?

Order, please order.

I'm sorry Mrs. Upington.

If our firefighting methods are too dead added raucous for your delicate nerves,

I'll have to take off the sirens and put on a fireman with a flute.

Plan I don't want to set the world on fire.

Thank you.

While we're at it, we'll have the police throw away their revolvers and carry water pistols.

Does that satisfy you, Upington?

Certainly, Mr. McGee.

If a little square can run the fire department, it ought to work with the police.

Order, please order.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the few seconds we have left, I think it would be fitting to hear

from Whistful Vista's poet laureate, Mr. Wallace Wimple.

He's composed a little verse in honor of this occasion.

Mr. Wimple.

Thank you, Mr. Commissioners and friends.

I have called this little poem, The Fire in the Creamery,

our smoke gets in your eyes, cream.

And it goes.

When your restaurant burned down, I had to write this little sauna

in hopes my tablecloth was saved, because I figured my income tax upon it.

Oh, it's wonderful, Mr. Wimple.

That's wonderful.

Well, it's nothing, Mr. McGee, really.

As long as this meeting is concerned with our fire department,

I would like to pay tribute to the woman who risked everything she had

to test her life saving equipment.

Mrs. Wimple, my wife.

Oh.

What do you do, Wimple?

Well, when our fire company first got their landing debts,

they stood on the sidewalk and my wife stood in the window

with ten stories overhead.

All right.

And then at a signal, the long, fearful drop to the net.

Time after time.

What if she did keep missing the net?

She would not give up.

She persisted until the fireman finally told her to stop.

The net was a success.

That's why I said...

But Mr. Wimple wasn't she hurt falling ten stories time after time?

Oh, she didn't fall.

She was throwing me out.

Yes.

Order, please.

Order.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, pay.

Quiet, everybody.

Listen.

Oh.

Listen.

Why I could put out this fire with a handful of water, Chris, before those guys get here?

I've down, bud.

There's a wisehaker that needs a plowing under.

There must be some reason for all this.

Wait here, everybody.

And I'll be right back with the explanation.

Come on, Molly.

Let's try not to see what's wrong.

Yes.

Oh, look, Maggie.

Here they come again.

Ah, here comes the fire chees.

The hate chees.

Oh, one's heard there, too.

Now you can, too.

Oh, look, Maggie.

No, you can't.

Oh, there's no fun.

Nobody's coming.

No, you can't.

Oh.

No.

Oh, no, no.

No.

I miss the fire.

Oh, no.

No.

Oh, no.

Come on, Maggie.

Come on.

Oh.

Maggie.

Come on, Maggie.

Yeah, one side there. Come here. There's a fire in here.

Oh, no, there ain't. But this is just a test run, uh, uh, just checking up.

Hey, McGee, where's your manners?

What manners?

Oh, that answers me. Uh, Molly meets Chief Conley, one of my firefighting brothers.

Oh, how do you do? I'm sure, brother.

How do you do?

Hey, what took you so long to get here, Chief?

Oh, some dope parties car in front of the hydrant down at the corner.

We had to ram it out of the way.

That's good work, Chief.

Nice going, brother.

And then we notified the police to hold it away.

Great stuff, Chief. Serves him right.

Whose car was it?

Yours.

What?

You mean where? You see, Commissioner.

That's all, brother. Come on, other tug.

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Well, they're pretty cooperative bunch down at City Hall, Molly.

I'll give them credit for that.

How cooperative can they?

They accepted my resignation as Fire Commissioner without a murmur.

Well, that's nice, dearie.

I always say, McGee, your vest is all ripped down the front.

How'd you do that?

Oh, I must have done that when I took off my badge.

You took it off?

Well, all right, they took it off.

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Fibber McGee and Molly - Fire Commissioner McGee

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