EP 256: When Behavior Feels Personal, It Might Actually Be Sensory

Yeah, I know sometimes behavior seems like it comes just absolutely out of nowhere like one

second your kid is fine and then all of a sudden they're overwhelmed in some way totally

melting down or maybe just shutting down and the whiplash can feel so confusing and

y'all behavior never really just comes quote unquote out of nowhere underneath all behavior

is something that's happening in the body something that's happening in the nervous system

right there's regulation there's energy and there's a rousal underneath all behavior

and so when our kids get pushed outside their window of tolerance their body shifts into

protection mode and we see meltdowns impulsive behavior shut down behavior all of that and we

can get kind of preoccupied on addressing the bad behavior but we actually might get a

little more bang for our buck if instead of focusing on that bad behavior we support the

body first then behavior might begin to shift way back when I was a plate therapist one of my

absolute favorite ways of working with kids was with their sensory system I had an area

yoga hammock in my office we would use sand and water beads and slime we listened to music or we

didn't we went for walks we jumped hard on the ground I even had developed a pretty intensive

training for therapists on how to use movement and sensory experiences to support just regulated

kids now I totally know as their parent or caregiver you do not have time for an intensive two-day

training so I will sit down to what was most important and most practical and I created a

short webinar that you can come to live or just watch the recording it's going to happen on

Tuesday March 24th you're going to get oodles of supportive resources to help you actually use

the information that you learn it's only 19 dollars you can register over at robbingobl.com

slash sensory webinar I hope I will see you there okay here's that episode that you press play on

so when your kids are here is definitely and yours is too sometimes yeah I know let's take a break

from all the laboosal you're on the baffling behavior

hey everybody welcome or maybe this is a welcome back to another episode of the baffling

behavior show I'm your host robin gobel in today's episode we're going to be exploring

how behaviors that can feel so personal so intentional so relational like it just feels like

your kids being mean or a jerk or taking something out on you right it can feel so personal

but what if those behaviors actually were grounded in some sort of sensory overwhelm even if

your kid doesn't have a quote unquote sensory processing disorder what if some of this behavior

that seems so personal actually is about what's happening in their body all right so maybe like

that sassy attitude that feels like as though they're being just so rude so disrespectful I mean

maybe you've poured them a drink that they've asked for or maybe they didn't even ask for it but

you could tell and you you know initiated and and made a gesture to take care of them and then

they holler at you for being such an idiot because you put it in the wrong color cup right you put

it in the red cup not the purple one right or maybe they hit their brother or their sister and it

seems like they're targeting their sibling and being mean completely on purpose which yeah I mean

when you do something that seems so personal like yell at someone call them a name hit them

it makes a lot of sense that we're going to interpret that personally right we're going to

interpret it to mean something about the relationship I think this is a very normal

way of interpreting other people's behaviors this is very very very human we are regularly assuming

that people's quote unquote bad behavior it has some sort of personal component to it but I also

think that in the kind of field of parenting work and in the field like my field of doing attachment

work or children's mental health work we are so quick to make the cause of a challenge be about

the relationship and then we really emphasize using the relationship as the way that we kind of

fix things or make things better right like how many times have you been in some way shape

performing given the recommendation even for me right that if you want your kid to be more I don't

know cooperative then you want to focus on the relationship or if your kid is being defiant or

oppositional well that's probably something about the relationship that's a struggle right or

if they're lying to you or being rude to you that that's a deliberate behavior of disrespect I

mean that gets communicated I think both implicitly and explicitly in the parenting world and I'm

positive even I have contributed to communicating that right like if your kids is regulated they have

a behavior problem look at the relationship I mean one of the things I say is regulated

connected kids you feel safe do well right so there's that connection piece that's a big part of

that equation and y'all it is of course true that when kids are struggling I mean when humans

are struggling that responding to that struggling person relationally or you know with connection or

kind of connection forward that is almost always really really helpful but simply because that's

true doesn't necessarily mean that the problem was relational or connection based in the first place

behavior comes from the nervous system right defiant or sassiness is about a nervous system in

protection mode and so sure when somebody is sassy to us or rude to us or refuses to do what we've

asked it absolutely feels like a very personal thing 100 percent and is it more helpful to remember

that defiant sassiness you know intentional disregard all of those behaviors are behaviors that come

from protection mode and I think more often than we realize our kids are pushed into a protection

mode because of things that are happening in their body or how they are dealing with sensory input

like sounds or lights or textures remember how the nervous system decides safe or not safe connection

mode or protection mode and this is about felt safety right and there are these three like buckets

of felt safety inside outside between the between buckets the relational bucket right the inside

bucket is what's happening inside the inner worlds right and then the outside bucket is what's

happening in the relationship so there's actually a lot of possibilities about what could tip nervous

system into protection mode a lot more possibilities than just something happening with the relationship

right or something happening in that between space but still so often the behaviors that emerge from

protection mode they really feel relational right they really feel personal and so it's hard to

remember like well there's these other two buckets they might have something going on internally

or they might be you know reacting to something that's happening in the environment right there

might be some sensory input that's too loud or too fast or too prickly or too smelly right I mean

think about this for a second really every single thing that the brain processes is sensory right

like everything we're processing coming it's coming in through our senses we see it or hear it

or taste it or touch it or smell it and a hundred percent some kids have a diagnosable sensory

processing disorder or some a very clear sensory processing challenge but even kids and adults

humans who don't have a diagnosable sensory processing challenge even those folks are

continuously processing sensory information right and sometimes that sensory information that

sensory data that's coming into their nervous system and that they're processing sometimes it can

just be too much and when things are too much our window stress tolerance starts to collapse

and we shift into protection mode then it's really hard to regulate through stress like

getting the cup that you don't want right we can't regulate through that stress and protection

mode behaviors emerge right things like yelling screaming cussing shutting down being rude being

defiant being really hard to please right these protection mode behaviors emerge and they're often

directed at someone that's kind of just how human work being human works right so these protection

mode behaviors emerge they're being directed at someone maybe you so it feels like a relationship

problem it feels like a connection problem right it feels so personal but really it was just about

some sort of overwhelm in their nervous system it kids with vulnerable nervous systems are

you know very vulnerable and things that other kids can regulate through our kids just struggle

with more it could be as I don't know simple as the fluorescent lights have been chipping away

at their regulation all day long the lights as well as the sound of those lights right or maybe

the overwhelming or yucky smells from the cafeteria have been chipping away at your kids

kind of regulatory circuits right so many things that our kids are navigating all day long

what things smell like what things look like clutter bright lights too much stuff right too much

brightly colored stuff some kids are thrushed sensory threshold is the opposite and so maybe

uh not enough visual stimulation could be challenging for your kids sensory system

right so again we think about those five senses what we can see what we can hear what we can taste

what we can smell what we can touch and think about how easy it is to overlook the ways that our

kids are kind of having their nervous system almost like assaulted or bombarded by sensory data or

again some kids aren't getting enough right their needs aren't being met

in their sensory world like maybe you have a kid who needs a ton of movement

and they're having to sit too much during the day you know it could be something like that

and as the seconds the minutes the hours of the day tick on right slowly slowly slowly or sometimes

very quickly your child's window of tolerance starts to just collapse then you give them a drink

in the red cup instead of the purple one that they wanted though you didn't know that they wanted it

or maybe it was in the dishwasher it was dirty right so you give them a drink it's in the red cup

not the purple one and they chuck it at you and scream at you that you're an idiot so of course

that feels so personal especially because you are doing something caregiving you are doing

something relational and then it was responded to such intensity right that of course it feels

personal and of course you want to then respond defensively yourself and I know for me and for a

lot of parents that I talk to there's also this fear that if we don't deal with the behavior

head on meaning like overtly address the behavior right that we're unintentionally or maybe you

unintentionally like excusing this bad behavior we're not going to nip it in the bud we're teaching

kids they can just do whatever they want so if your kid is rude or defiant right they say

why are you such an idiot then you didn't give me a cup a drink in the purple cup

right it feels so hard to think about that through the lens of what's happening in their body

and then addressing that because what we really feel compelled to address is something like hey

you can't talk to me like that now to be clear I am not suggesting that if we're aware

of the fact that a challenging behavior has emerged because the body is overwhelmed

I'm not suggesting that we don't also eventually talk about finding different ways to talk

to each other right we can still head on address the behavior challenge but if what was driving

the behavior was more just about like a body based overwhelm that flipped him into protection

mode as opposed to you know some sort of connection or relationship driven challenge

then we've got to address the body or the sensory piece then we can go and also talk about the

behavior so in this example let's say truly I give you know I give my kid a drink it's not in

the right color cup I didn't know that and my kid you know pushes it back at me and tells me

that I'm an idiot forgiving them the wrong cup this would be really really really hard to do

but if I'm going to make the assumption that that wasn't only about the relationship like my

kid's not just being a jerk then I might take a breath remind myself that they've I don't know

maybe just come home from soccer practice and they have been running and sweating and having

people run into them and touch them they've been out in the sun maybe they've been feeling the

grass right the coach has been yelling at them they've been hearing like referee whistles

I don't know right I could remember that I could remember like all of the sensory bombardment

that they've just been dealing with which has probably left their nervous system right at the

edge right at the edge so one little stressor pushes them out of their you know their window of

tolerance they respond to something that feels very personal and I could then take a breath

hey y'all so just real quick I had such a great time in Durango Colorado in March I went there to

teach my three-day presence and practice retreat style workshop and I cannot wait to offer that

again here in my hometown outside Gran Rapids Michigan this July I'm also going to be co-teaching

therapy with kids with big baffling behaviors with Roselop here in June just outside Syracuse New

Arc both are eligible for American Psychological Association CES that you just might be able to use

for your professional license so if you go to robingoble.com slash trainings you'll find all the

details and the registration information that's robingoble.com slash trainings I'll go put a link

down in the show notes too and instead of addressing the disrespectful behavior immediately

I might actually say something like oh you really wanted the purple cup let me grab the purple cup

out of the dishwasher wash it real quick and you can have this drink in the purple cup now I know

that this might horrify you you might be like oh my gosh my kids gonna talk to me like that and I'm

gonna give them what they want well if we if we shift our paradigm away from give them what they

want and instead think about give them cues of safety so that their nervous system can shift back

into connection mode right and so finding ways to bring their nervous system and shifted

you know shifted away from protection mode back into connection mode and what that means for

your kid is gonna really vary and maybe one of the things that would be helpful was to not get an

argument about the cup to realize you're gonna probably be pretty stuck until the drink comes in a

purple cup and so grab the purple cup out of the dishwasher wash it up you know switch the drink

handed to them and maybe also you know nutritious protein snack as well or maybe you also turn off

the music that's playing in the background because you are wondering if that could be contributing

to some sensory overwhelm too right so you're gonna think about all these things from a sensory

perspective first then once the nervous system shifts back into connection mode and hydration

the sensory experience of drinking something cold all these things are all adding cues of safety

into that kind of felt safety those felt safety buckets so we might then see the nervous system

tip back into connection mode and then I can consider if the right next step for my child is to say

whoo all right I'm feeling so much better after getting a drink too it looks like

your owl brain has come back to now that we've gotten home from soccer practice and we've had a

break and you've gotten a drink out of the purple cup remember just a couple seconds ago when you

told me I was an idiot forgiving you drink in the red cup I wonder if it would be possible to say

hey mom I really wanted to purple the drink in the purple cup right and you can prompt them into

finding the words that can help them like negotiate their needs in a more personal relational way right

I know many of you listening are like yeah as if my kid would shift and say oh mom

darling dearest I'm so sorry I was so rude to you mother please could I please have a drink out

of the purple cup yeah I get it I know your kid is maybe not yet at the place in their regulation

and maybe their owl brain isn't strong enough yet that they can easily shift like that but that

doesn't mean we don't still prompt it that doesn't mean we don't still kind of plant the seeds

for it and trust that as their regulation grows as their owl brain grows that they will be able to

make some of those shifts in adjustments when we over focus on the cause that seems to have been

the tipping point but isn't actually the real cause like the red cup right when we over focus on

that we end up missing out on supporting our kids in a way that's gonna actually be helpful and

we start to really see them as kids who are just bossy defiant rude lazy right like all these kind

of personal characterological labels instead of as kids who are exhausted from a sensory perspective

and just can't take one more thing y'all sensory overwhelm is a real thing even for kids and adults

who don't have you know a diagnosable sensory processing disorder for example when I'm really

fried my nervous system is super sensitive to noise and I will snap at someone and be not very

nice simply because of the noise in the environment had nothing to do with the person

right but I'll snap and be not very nice because that's what happens when the nervous system shifts

into protection mode if you have more than one child then I'm certain you've dealt with your

kids fighting with each other and maybe one or two times in your entire life right and sometimes

if fighting has maybe even been really really intense and are even dangerous so again it's like

really easy to assume that this behavior problem is relational and we label their fighting

as jealousy or sibling rivalry or one of them feeling like they're getting really unfair

treatment or they just don't like their sibling but let's also remember y'all siblings brothers

sisters they're loud and maybe messy and and they're sitting too close and oh my gosh you're

touching me right it feels personal but it's not actually personal it's just the sensory input

that puts that fragile nervous system right over the edge then you've got kids who are hitting

your screaming or shouting cuss words and it feels like we need to intervene in their relationship

figure out how to help them get along better but really your kids just fell down the protection

mode pathway because of sensory overwhelm and their sibling was right there to take the brunt of it

when we see behaviors that look relational we tend to focus on relational strategies we want to

help our kids talk to us more respectfully we want to support more connection between them and

their siblings so they'll be nicer to each other and don't get me wrong adding in or supporting

connection often does support regulation but if we only focus on the relational aspect we are

really missing out on solving that real problem i know when your kid cusses at their sister you

want to focus on that behavior what if you pause and wondered hmm what's the noise level in this room

right now when was the last time i told move their body have they had a lot of control over their

sensory world today or have they had very little control did they not eat lunch at school because

the cafeteria was too stinky and now they are very hungry it's actually pretty remarkable how much

stress humans can deal with before they melt down if your child goes to traditional school think

about things like how's their school lit what does it smell like there how loud is it are they

sitting in an uncomfortable chair most of the day did recess get canceled because of the weather

all of these moments accumulate and add up and create trust in the nervous system in fact

i'm going to do another episode i'll air it next week that's all about

school and then how we can see the sensory overwhelm just like spill out after school

you know sometimes we call that after school restraint collapse that kids hold it together all day

then they come home and they kind of lose their marbles now there's many reasons for this to be

true and one reason can be the accumulation of sensory stress without enough regulation

we're going to talk about that specifically with regards to school and next week's episode

because of course our kids don't go to school all day long every day there's a lot of other

situations where our kids are having to navigate sensory input all day long right

i mean maybe you've used a new cleaner in your home and that smell is aggravating to your child

but they can't really articulate it maybe it's been raining and cold for days and your kid

hasn't been able to move their body that much maybe they had yogurt at lunchtime and they ate it

and they liked it well enough but this texture also felt kind of yucky to them i mean it was just

one more piece in the sensory overwhelm bucket right and in and of itself wasn't too much they

actually ate it but it was just one more thing and that sensory uncomfortable or sensory overwhelm

buckets all these things add up and leave the nervous system running ragged right the window

of tolerant shrinks and one seemingly small irritation will just send them right over the edge

and it is so hard to remember that what looks like bad behavior or rudeness or even aggressive

behavior might not actually have anything to do with what it seems like your child was reacting to

and it might have everything to do but just being absolutely fried in their nervous system due to

how hard their system has been working all day so here's what i want you to do and i encourage you

to bring a new lens to your kids in the next few days what are the sounds that they're dealing

with all day long what are they processing visually what are they smelling maybe even actually

jot down some notes and remember this is not about your kid having a sensory processing disorder

i mean they might i don't i don't know that but they don't have to have a sensory processing

disorder to have some sensory sensitivities i know i certainly do and when i'm fried sensory input

can send me straight into protection mode humans are continuously processing sensory data

so it makes sense that as our window of tolerance changes sensory data can overwhelm or

offer regulation so we can shift or tweak or adjust the sensory input we can add in more pressure

or more proprioception we can change the smells in your home we can offer headphones

there are so many relatively simple sensory strategies and supports that can really help your

child either stay in connection mode longer and return to connection mode more quickly

after they've fallen down their protection mode pathway even when my child just roots me because

i gave him a drink in the wrong cup i can stay focused on regulating their nervous system remember that

being hydrated drinking gulping swallowing having cold liquid in your mouth maybe drinking through a

straw all of those experiences could be regulating from a sensory perspective so if i give my child

the drink that they're asking for out of the purple cup even though they've asked for so rudely

i can shift away from thinking i've just given them what they've wanted and shift instead to thinking

i'm giving my kid the support that their sensory system needs so that they can shift back into

connection mode then if needed we can tackle that specific behavioral problem you know like

demanding something or asking for something really rudely or calling names so i'm not saying we

don't address those things we just want to address all these things in the right order i'm somebody

really loves movement so when i worked as a play therapist it was really natural for me to bring

a lot of movement based interventions into my work the more and more and more i learned about

vulnerable nervous systems specifically because i worked with so much with kids with complex trauma

the more aware i became of their sensory sensitivities and then i learned how to make accommodations

in my room i learned how to help their parents make accommodations and yes of course of course

of course sometimes i'd refer them out for an occupational therapy evaluation because that was

outside my scope of practice but but supporting parents and tuning into their child sensory needs

not treating a sensory processing disorder i'm not an occupational therapist but helping parents

tune into their child sensory needs is one of my very very very favorite things to do

because of that i have put together a lot of information a lot of suggestions a lot of supports a

lot of resources related to supporting your child and their sensory system and i usually offer

all of these things either in the club only in the club or maybe like if an organization hires me

they want me to come teach a class or a webinar but i'm going to teach the class that i have the

webinar that i have all about sensory strategies for dysregulated kids with baffling behaviors i'm

going to teach that webinar live to the public i'm March 24th now of course you can come live super

fun love hanging out with y'all and then you can ask questions but if you can't come live that's

cool to you because we'll record it you'll get the recording it'll be really easy for you to watch

and review the recording and also then access all the recess the resources i'm thinking about

movement so i said recess all the resources that go along with it and y'all if you're in the club

you know this webinar actually already exists in the club and after i teach it live i'm March 24th

i'll update it so even if you're in the club i'll give you the links to 10 live but if you can

attend live don't worry it'll get updated inside the club video library and if you're listening to

this this podcast in the future and it's past when this webinar aired on March 24th yeah just

know i store all of these things over in the club so if you really wanted to access this webinar

and all the resources that go along with it you could hop into the club the next time we open

you'll get that webinar all those resources plus like nine million billion trillion other ones too

so this webinar all about sensory strategies it's going to take you through the five external

senses and look at common things at both home and school that can impact our kids in their nervous

system so site touch smell taste and things that we can hear right our auditory system we're going

to look at all of that how we might be able to shift things around so that we can support our kids

and feeling more regulated from a sensory perspective i'm going to give you oodles and oodles are

very practical ideas i'm also going to we're also going to together going to look at

proprioception and the vestibular sense common things that often contribute to some vulnerabilities

at home and at school and then some very practical and fun strategies and interventions that

will help support your child's body with proprioception vestibular input things that will actually

support their nervous system regulation i mean when i'm dysregulated i like to go for a walk or run

or go to the gym and if i haven't been to the gym in a while i start to feel a little off i really

need the proprioception i need the body impact so i can like feel myself and be regulated and my

guess is you could notice some similar sensory things for you as well some things that if you aren't

you know kind of getting your cup filled in the way you usually do that you start to fill a little

off and i am hoping that together we'll be able to uncover some of those things for our kids

as well the webinar is going to come with bunch of bonuses so hopefully it won't feel like

you just get information hopefully it'll feel like you get the supports and resources that you

need in order to be able to actually use the information like i said if you're already in the club

please don't register i'll post a login link the recording will go into the on-demand learning

library almost as soon as we're done next week's podcast like i mentioned we're going to look at

one very common aspect one we're going to get really narrowly focused looking at

sensory overwhelm or underwhelm at school and then what i mean kids can melt down at school because

of it or sometimes they can manage like hold it all together at school and then they'll come home

and then they'll melt down at home all right so we'll look at what are some common sensory

stressors that kids are often experiencing at school so again we can ship the way we see our kids'

behaviors not take it so personally meet or adjust to the sensory needs that are underneath it

then once we're back in connection mode we can go back and if needed you know navigate or

deal with the specific behavior if this is a topic that feels like you could really benefit from

like a deep dive into then i'd love for you to come to that webinar robingoble.com slash

sensory webinar y'all it's only 19 dollars you get the webinar you get the recording you get all

these resources and again if you're hearing this in the future you can come join us in the club

the webinar all the resources are in there robingoble.com slash sensory webinar that's going to be on

March 24th and of course of course of course you do not have to come live y'all i totally get

that our lives are bananas even when you think you can come live something happens the last

second you can't anymore so we take the recording we store it somewhere really easy for you to

access and you'll have months to be able to log in watch recording and get all the resources so

i got you there i totally get life is too chaotic to depend on being able to log into something live

all right y'all so next week come back to the podcast press play we'll talk about sensory stuff

specific to school and then on March 24th hopefully you can come and join me at that webinar

if you and i just met today for the first time i really didn't tell you that much about me

so go to robingoble.com learn all about me you can find my book raising kids with big

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nervous system all right y'all i'll be back with you again next week bye bye now that this episode

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