E1184 - Dodging Love-Bombers | Ask Nick

0:00There's an all-new season of the secret lives of Mormon wives returning to Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus September 10th. Four years ago, the women of Mom Talk started out by making TikToks, but then life started pulling them in different directions, from dancing with the stars, to starring on Broadway, book deals, modeling, and business ventures. Where does the group stand when they come back together? There's always drama happening behind the scenes and playing out on social media with these ladies. You've heard all the rumors, but now it's time to hear the gospel. And they still trust each other, are there any friendships left? Will Mom Talk survive this? You'll have to see for yourself! Watch the all-new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on September 10th, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for Bundle subscribers' terms apply. That feeling when you check your bank account and your paychecks days away. And of course, your calendar's all... Good news! With Chase the Cure Banking, your direct deposit hits your bank account up to two days faster. So when your friends are like, and your bills go, you have the peace your deposit brings.

1:04And the best part, there's no monthly service fee for 17 to 24-year-olds. Thanks to Chase the Cure Banking. For Chase's Cure Checking Own, eligible direct deposits may be credited up to two business days early, depending on when the payer submits the transaction. Remember FDIC? This guy told me his mom was dead. A whole detailed story. How she died. Wow, pregnant with him in a car accident, this, that, the third. The woman was alive and well. And then after you found out, she's alive and well. I still talk to her. Like, what are we doing here? Okay. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? Jessica. How old are you, Jessica? 33. How can I help? In a little predicament here, do I stay with my boyfriend of four years, even though his mom blatantly disrespects me in front of him and other family members? Okay. Do you love him? Yes, I do.

2:05Okay. I do. Okay. Do you want to marry him? Yeah, I do. Listen, you're not the only one with a mother-in-law problem. Yeah. Anyways, tell me about it. Tell me why it's, you're on the verge of saying fuck it. Because I realize I'm going to be stuck with this for the rest of, I guess, not my life, but her life. Because she will probably be gone before me. No, her eldest son, that's what I'm saying. But she'll probably be gone before me, right? So, as the foreseeable future, I will be in this predicament. I appreciate the joke. So give me an example of the disrespect. So, it's just been a lot of random things over the years. It's more like little side comments about my job or random stuff. Like, an example is, I was on FaceTime with my friends that she doesn't know. And she was like, oh, how did you meet? They told her and she kind of made like a dig about how we met, which was literally just in the dining hall eating cereal. And she said, oh, yeah, with her terrible eating habits.

3:07And so it was like whatever. And then she asked my friend what she did for work. She told her and she looks at me and goes, do you have a job? Well, I have three jobs actually. And I work six days a week. So, you know the answer to that. It was just she wanted to make those digs. Okay. So she just kind of jabs at you. Jabs, but the worst one was all that same phone call. She said her son's name. She said he's too good for Jessica, right? Oh, wow. So that was the worst one. I'm assuming you've spoken with your boyfriend about this. Mm-hmm. And? And he's silent. Like while it happens, like live in the moment, he's like a mute. No, no, no, no. But like what happens when your like moms not there? Are you pulling me side? And you're like, yo, why is your mom such a bitch to me? Like I don't get it. Like is, does he see what you see? Does he at least acknowledge it? Is it happening? I feel like he would not acknowledge it until I do first. Like he has like goggles on for her. But he says, oh, well, you were going back with her.

4:08I'm like, yeah, but she starts it. And he doesn't really say much. That's the issue. It's like, yeah, I'm annoyed at her, but I'm not annoyed at you for not really doing anything about it. So he doesn't acknowledge it? Not really. But I'm not. Yeah, like you're telling me the story, right? You know, I wasn't there, obviously. But when you tell me the story, it's like, well, that's crazy. Like that would get old real fast if that is a theme of the relationship. His mom making some digs and he doesn't, he doesn't see it that way. Well, have you really set him down and said, hey, I'm sure I could be better with your mom, but your mom on a regular basis, let me give you some examples, says things that makes me feel like, well, quite frankly, that she doesn't think I'm good enough for you. In fact, she literally said that. And then she just kind of picks me apart and it honestly is exhausting.

5:08And he would say, I don't think she does that kind of. Yeah, like that is exactly how it goes. That's what I say to him. And he kind of is just like, oh, she didn't mean it or oh, she was joking. And I'm like, I don't think she was joking. Okay. So at least he is acknowledging a little bit it exists, but he's downplaying it. Exactly. Yeah. I also talked to her about it the next day after it happened. And she's like, I didn't say that. I don't, I don't say that. She was boozing. I didn't remember. Okay. So she's drunk when she's saying this. Yes. Is it always she's drinking? Yeah. But also she would say that's not drinking because she's just kind of that like funny, no filter type of person. Fair enough. But children are used to it. Yeah. That's why they downplay because they're used to it. I'm not sure. I understand that you think she's a type of person who's probably got a little snark in her DNA. Yeah. But I just want to confirm that the vast majority of the time when she is acting this way, she's drunk. Yeah. Do you know, non-expert opinion?

6:12Do you think she may have a bit of a drinking problem? Zyresh. Okay. She drinks a lot. It's a heavy drinking family. Yeah. But like, it doesn't get out of control. Like it's it's it's. I understand, but it's like she's. Yeah. But she's a professional heavy drinker that is not getting herself in terrible situations, but she is a bit obnoxious. Yeah, with her mouth more with her mouth. She says. Yeah. But again, she has done it not drinking. So that makes a little more sense to me that. Yeah. Boyfriends, a little defensive of mom because if it's often because she's drinking like you said, they're kind of used to this behavior. They're probably a little protective of mom when it comes to her drinking. You know what I'm saying? And my guess is he's got a little bit more goggles on because of the drinking as opposed to Jesus being mean.

7:12Yeah. I feel like they just don't think it's a big deal. Like he's a mom as a boy. It's her baby and. Okay. Well, why should you make me feel less that? I understand. And this is just in the vein of you love him, you would like to marry him. And I think the biggest thing you got to, you know, it's like the choice is yours. Because like, you know, you're like, hey, do I break up with this guy? And, you know, like, you know, there's, I'm sure even listen to this show, there's a lot of bad partners out there. A lot of people have been like, oh, the dating pool is fucking sucks. And it's a. Yeah, that's a thing. He's a great person. He's a great partner. He's a great partner. I mean, that is, that is, you know, more important than the annoying mother-in-law, you know, as much as it sounds like his family is pretty close and sounds like you vacation with them and spend a lot of time with them. Can you get over it? And the sense of like, can you? Clearly he's had a lifetime of being used to this behavior where whether you agree with or not, he just looks the other way, doesn't quite frankly take her that seriously and kind

8:17of treats her like a child. I'm starting to think I can't get over it because this has been going on for four years. I have gotten over it, but like lately it's just like, it's making me feel like shit about myself. It's more of like the things you say that put me down. I'm like, why would you say that to your son's potentially future, future wife? Have you really, when she's sober, really just like, vulnerable, been like, hey, I know, I know maybe you don't mean it, but like you've said some things that just really hurt my feelings and it makes me feel like I'm not welcomed here. And it just like, I don't know, I'm just really uncomfortable. It sounds to me like you're fighting fire with fire right now. I've talked to you for about 90 seconds. You got a little edge to you and I say that with love. You know, I got- Yeah, no, it's true. Yeah. You know? So, where and I go head to head. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, you know?

9:18But it's not because it's more so I'm sticking up for myself. Listen, I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm not saying you having edge in any way disqualifies how she's talking to you. It's just more- you just got to try to find some common ground with this lady. And I'd be willing to bet that, yeah, I don't know. You know, like, anytime, like, I don't, this is a bet, I don't know, I'm trying to come up with an example. Like sometimes when you have two strong personalities and sometimes these personalities, and I'm not saying you're exactly like his mom, but there might be some sort of- No, we've been told we have similar attributes. So yeah. So, yeah. Those people can often clash. You know, obviously, like, the people I find when I'm like talking about reality TV or just, I hate myself. You know, it's just like, I'll be criticizing people and I'm like, why do I hate them? And I'm like, oh, they remind me of me. You know what I'm saying? Like, I think we instinctually, like, it's easier. To see flaws that we have in other people than it easier it is to see in ourselves.

10:20And I think sometimes when it happens, it just, we get more annoyed by those people. But I do think when it comes to those types of personalities, oftentimes it just takes, it takes an event or a moment, like some kind of bonding for you guys to like, be best friends or get on the same page, you know? Have you seen Step Brothers? Yeah. You know, like the brothers and they like kind of hate each other at first. Oh, yeah, in the beginning. Yeah, they've become best friends and they're like, they're just kind of rivals, but they're also best friends. So it's actually like opposite. We started out as very close and we still are. Like, we are close. It's very hard to describe. Like, we do like each other and enjoy each other's company, but then there's times where. My guess is she's, and I'm making a lot of assumptions that haven't talked to you very long. My guess is that her jobs are coming from a place of comfort and love. Yeah, they are. She's like, I didn't mean it. You know, I love you. And I'm like, well, why are you hurting my feelings then? I don't understand. We're moving in together in a couple of weeks. We haven't lived together.

11:20So I'm like, it's like another big step that I'm like, is she moving in with you guys? Probably. She's like, makes decisions for us. She's like, you're getting married in a church. I'm like, are you the one marrying him or mine? And she's like, your kids can be named after him. I'm like, are you having a child with him? Okay. So let me ask you this. She can say everything she wants, but the end of the day, do you feel like you have agency with your boyfriend that you guys can make decisions as a couple? I mean, mom can say whatever she wants, but... Honestly, no, I do sometimes think he's going to do what she wants him to do. And that's something. How does he? 33. Listen, at the end of the day, you're going to have to figure this out with both of them. It is more important for you to figure it out with him. I think it would go a long way for you to try to figure it out with both of them, because he's got some mom's boy and you can only expect so much. But what you can, what is a non-negotiable for any couple, is that you need to feel that

12:22as your partner, and especially if there's an engagement and a marriage in you guys choose they have kids together, you need to know that you guys will make decisions together. And input is welcomed, but at the end of the day, you can't feel like his mom's opinion is more important than yours. And that's just a non-negotiable. You need to be able to talk with him about this. And I don't think this is probably like a one conversation thing because you've A, you've already tried it and B, his default will be to try to defend mom. So you got to try to figure out how to have this conversation without you A, making him feel like you're attacking him for being his mom a boy and mom's boy and B, making him not feel like you're attacking his mom, which is a needle that's hard to thread. In the end, the past kind of has been defensive and took it personally like, oh, so you hate my mom? I'm like, no, I don't want to. No, it's more about listen. There are times and it's it's common enough that it bothers me where I honestly don't know

13:29if we get married and have kids together. Like I don't know if I want to get married in a Catholic church. I don't know what I want my kids names to be. I don't know where they're going to want us to go to school. Hell, I mean, I'm not, we're not even engaged. Like, and posse me in all these questions. But when we do make these decisions, I want to feel like I have a partner who is who I can talk with and we can make these decisions together. And yes, we'll be new parents and like we will welcome input from our families. But at the end of the day, we have to make decisions together. There's something about doing that as a couple that actually bonds the connection. Like now, you know, me and Natalie, we have our kids and Natalie's mom is incredibly helpful. My parents are incredibly helpful. Like we're very lucky that we don't have like they're more they're quieter. Like hands off. They're just they're not very opinionated and they're not very, yeah, they're they're respect our boundaries, so to speak. And I guess I have the benefit of being, you know, I've always been this way, you know,

14:33so like, Natalie doesn't have to do it. I think it's much harder in your case where like if the sun's close to mom and and there's like a. I've never had a hard time in adult life being able to tell my parents, I'm going to do it my way. And so it's a little easier for me. But regardless when Natalie and I make these, you know, we're both new parents. We're both figuring out together. There's a lot of things we don't have. I don't know. We're like, I don't fucking know. You know, she's like, I don't know. And we, but we decide together. And you know, I'm like, what do you think? She's what I what do I think? But when you make when you come to those decisions together as a couple, it makes you, it's like, we, we decided together. Cool. And then if you fuck up together and make the wrong decision, there's not a finger pointing. There's like, yeah, we, you know, we, I don't know. I guess less and learn will make a different decision at different time. But like that, you know, you know, it is important for you to figure this out. I think it's a bit extreme for you given that you love him.

15:36You think he's a great guy and you know, there's a lot of, as far as your relationship, there's a lot of good here. It seems a little hasty to want to end this relationship because mom's a little obnoxious. That being said, I do think it is really important for you to start setting this expectation that, hey, listen, I, I can't, I, I'm very worried about this. I love your mom. I just don't like that sometimes. It, it doesn't feel like you value my opinion as much as you value your moms. And we're not married yet. And we don't have kids yet. But I want to start feeling that before we get married and have kids. Yeah, because that's what I'm nervous about is when we're getting married and making those decisions and have kids, it's just like, it's never just him and I. Did there a very close family with five children? Yeah. It's always other. There's always going to be other opinions. And that other opinions are fine. But you guys have to have the ability to be like, guys, thank you.

16:36But, you know, this is what we're doing. Yeah, he's just so close with him. I think he takes their opinion, which is great. That's his family. He's showed by him to make his own decisions. You just have to figure out how to have this conversation with him. I suspect when you have these conversations, you get easily annoyed and easily frustrated. And it goes from zero to 100. And then that's it turns into a fight. To whatever degree you're not leading with vulnerability. You know, works just like, I just, hey, help me out. Like, can you at least acknowledge, you know, first you need to acknowledge without it feeling like you're attacking mom. Listen, love your mom. Look very helpful. I don't always agree with her. And that's totally okay. I'm fine with disagreeing with your mom. I just want to know that you have my back and that when we make these decisions to move in together or whatever, like I want to feel like we're making this decision.

17:39And sometimes it doesn't feel that way. And I, it makes me nervous. And, you know, because to me, that's way more important than the side comments. Because it's, you know, she just sounds like a person who like, I, you know, I tease because I love, you know, it's like it's, yeah, we're going to stop to be honest. Yeah. That you can probably get over. Um, but my guess is, it could be wrong. But if you felt like, you know, any big decision as a couple you have to make, he would say, go to you and be like, Hey, Jessica, what do you think? What do you think we should do in the, in actually feels like you two are having a conversation and you're coming into this decision together. I feel like that would go a long way to alleviate this frustration. Because that would bother me a lot more than the annoying comments. Yeah, I just always feel like he's also him because he's always asking them, like, we went to look at an apartment and he was live texting his sister photos and videos.

18:40I'm like, can you just be here with me? What do you say? Well, it's older what we're doing. I wanted to show her. I'm like, why are you texting her like live in the moment when we're touring this apartment together? He's texting them 24, seven. Yeah. And I guess you just have to figure out how to have the conversation where you're like, listen, I'm not saying it's wrong. Great. But I want to do this with you. And I'm just asking you to like being in the moment with me. And by all means, if we want to get there a pinion, but I would love for you to just ask me first, you know, like, that's all. And I just want to feel like we make decisions together. Yeah, because I sometimes feel like he's making them with them and not me. No. And like, this is a, this is a problem. I don't think it's a relationship ending problem. And I, but I do think it's something you need to work on with him. Well, it is mom say, if you, if she found out that you said to your boyfriend,

19:43I'd love to do couples therapy. Well, she said, oh, because I have said that to him before actually. What did he say? Well, he was like said he would, but then said, well, you find it because you're the one I want to do it. Yeah. Listen, baby, I'm sorry. He said I would have to pay for it, but I'm like, you're coming with me. Like I just, I just thought that was already like, he wasn't interested. Yeah. I mean, it's not like, listen, it's not the best response for sure. But I'm just like baby steps here, you know, like, I think that's something. Maybe you can even address in therapy. But the goal here is get him in. Yeah. And her response would probably be a look something like that's not good. Like something negative. Where are I think that that or being a couple of therapies always a positive? Because you're helping yourself. She would definitely probably have a negative. I'm not about it. I don't think you should threaten him like I'm going to like leave you, but I think you just have to. I haven't to him. It sounds like they're not taking. Yeah. And that which is good, but you need to feel like he's hearing you. And right now it doesn't sound like he's hearing you. You know, he's defensive.

20:44He's either feels like you're attacking him or you're attacking his mom. And you just got to say, like, listen, this is a real problem for me because like, I don't, I don't want to try. I'm not trying to come between you and your family. I am not trying to make you less close with your sister or your mom. I am, I just want, I don't want to be married to your family. I want to be married to you. Yeah. And right now, and then you have a perfect example, like we went apartment shopping. And before you even asked me like, Hey, what do you think? And before we talked about it as a couple, your face timing, your sister, and it was if you're apartment shopping with your sister. Like what, I mean, what if I like to cause it and she didn't like to cause it? Do you at least understand why that might be a little frustrating for me? And like, he's got to, you know, he's, you know, if he can't ever get there, then then it is a problem because like that, that, that would be a very frustrating thing.

21:46Yeah. Like I said, something because he was sending her like live updates and then he like put his phone away. But I'm the trick is because I'm guessing right now you're so annoyed by this. You're just, you're, you're, you're making comments in a way that makes him defensive. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Give him some fed up. But I don't, I don't go in like angry. I definitely am annoyed though. And I'm more hurt than any of that. You have to try to address these. Yeah. No, I get it. But you have to try to have these conversations when you're not in the heat of it. Like not when it's happening. You could just say, Hey, I can't talk to you about something. It's something that's really bothering me. First of all, like I love you. I love your family. I do not want this to, but like when we went apartment shopping, that just, I just felt like you weren't in it with me. Listen, I want to fuck up together with you. I want to get things wrong. I want us to figure it out together. I don't want every decision we make is a couple to be filtered through your family. You know, I want to feel like we have some agency as a couple.

22:47I don't want your mom's input when we're naming our kids. I'm close with my family, but I don't like I would go to my boyfriend for those relationships decisions before my family. Then you go to your family after the kids is the opposite family first, then me. And I'll never be able to feel like I'm good enough for them. Well, I mean, listen, like he's never I want to when he talks about this. Does it least in theory have the mindset of like, well, when we are married, it will be different. No, I'm sorry. Well, it's probably a good thing because like, you know, people who like make, well, it'll be different when something happens and it's usually not. Yeah. And then it's like not a later disappointed. No, it's just no, he doesn't really say stuff like that. I guess he's never been in this much of a serious relationship either. Like for all these steps, so he's never had to deal with someone saying, why is your mom involved or why is your family well? Because he's just never been in a situation before that, like that, that is definitely not how I would ask it if I were you.

23:49I'm sure I asked it. You start with me like, why is your mom involved? Like is if that sounds like he's doing some wrong, right? So his first reaction is going to be defensive. Yeah. He is not hearing how it's affecting you first. It's like, you know, it's like the compliment sandwich, right? You know, you kind of have to compliment it and soften them up and you get a little criticism and then you pat them on the back again. It's like, it's a little bit of that, right? The most of communication and relationship is just like, it's, you know, it's like baking. It's chemistry. It's like you have to, you know, it's like a to dance. But like right now you're like, why is your mom involved? Why like, you know, it's like immediately he's going to get defensive because then I get why he gets. Yeah. Yeah. So he is not, he's not hearing your frustration. He's not understanding why it's, so when it's not happening, you have to, you know, when it's just you and him, you know, honestly, this might be better. Like you've already got, you've signed the lease, you're moving in. It's done. Yeah.

24:50Okay. So move in like you can always, you know, if shit hits the fan, yeah, we're inviting you out. Sorry. You know, yeah, it's, you have an exit strategy. It's fine. But you can like in early, fairly early in the moving in together, you're going to be like, I just want to talk to you about. And then you first, again, you have to be like, listen, I love, I love your family. This is not an indictment on your family. Yes, I don't love it when your mom makes those comments, but like, whatever she is, who she is. Now that we're living together. So like, hey, we see a future. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope you feel the same way about me. But there are oftentimes where I just feel in case and point when we were looking for an apartment, do you have an example in mind? It just felt like my opinion wasn't as important as your families. And while I know your families in opinion is important to you, and I'm glad that we have them in our lives. And I'm glad that they are here to help us because you have to like acknowledge all those things before you get to the criticism because it's first, because it's first

25:52response. It's going to be like, well, you know, they hope in like, you know, he's going to want to defend them. So you got to like, yeah, you got to call out all the things that he's going to want to defend and acknowledge that you appreciate it first because it's not about them helping. It's, it's about how he's prioritizing his family over yours. And so you just got to, like, I just want to feel like we're making these decisions together. And if, and then I, you know, if we, if we are indecisive, maybe we can say, well, let's ask your sister, let's ask your mom and we can get their input. But like right now you're asking their input before you're even checking in with me. And that kind of makes me feel like you were looking for our apartment with your sister. And I don't want to feel that when we plan our wedding. I don't want to feel that when we get married, like when we have our kids, their first goal is to get him to just do you understand where I'm coming from? That's, that's the first goal is to get him to say, yeah, I, okay, you know, I see

26:53what you're saying. I acknowledge that that's fair. I will try to work on it. Like that's step one because right now it's, he's all he's doing is defending mom. Yeah. And defending his relationship with his family. That's the trick, so to speak. Yeah, because I love them. I don't want him to think otherwise I just, and that's, that you have to really lead with that. Yeah. First, yeah, you can, oh, you hate my family now. I'm like, no, you know, I love them. He's only hearing the criticism. He's not hearing the phrase. Yeah. Yeah. So it's, it's easy to think that. So it's, you, you're going to have to not fight fire with fire. And you're going to, you're going to have to be the bigger person for the time being. Maybe always with his mom, you're going to have to be the bigger person. And just, but that's fine. No, but sometimes I don't want to be good. Well, you know, listen, you know, we all choose chaos. I always will stick up for myself. I just don't want to be this person that lets her speak to me like that.

27:56So well, that's a separate issue. And yeah, I don't care for this. You don't talk to me like that. Well, I mean, listen, that's this, this, you're going to have to figure it out with her mom, you know, and yes, it would be great if I, I just sounds like you're a long way away from him in the middle of it. Him being like, don't talk to my girlfriend that way, mom. Like I just don't see a world. I've never heard that before. Yeah. And I wouldn't, that wouldn't hold my breath. I don't feel like that's the biggest issue because you sound like a person who's clearly capable of defending yourself. Yeah. You're not a meek kind of, you know, helpless person. So you're capable of doing that. But like we don't break up with our future husbands that we love because mother-in-laws are annoying. That's, yeah, it's a right of passage. And you can deal with the annoying drunk lady. It's annoying because I'm sure the annoying drunk lady is sometimes funny and charming and hilarious in the life of a party and in whatever.

28:56Yeah. But what is not sustainable is him going to mom and the family before he goes to you for these, what is going to be these major milestones and major decisions. And you need to feel like you have a partner and you need to feel like you have someone who's in it with you and values your opinion. And that is not sustainable if that doesn't change. I feel like this is a reasonable ask for him. And you, again, step one is get him to acknowledge how it makes you feel without him feeling like he's this is it's because it's not about his family. This is about him. Yeah. I think today it's about him and his reactions and yeah. And it's it's him acknowledging that yeah, I have a girlfriend who I won't love. Who I, you know, I'm planning on I'm moving in with that I'm I think I want to marry her. Who would who would want, you know, every decision that we make as a couple to like, you know, be decided by each other's parents, no one wants that.

29:59And I think he's I'm guessing reasonable enough to acknowledge that. I'm guessing that you probably haven't communicated this in a way. A little bit, but yeah, no, it's a work in progress. The more I say things, I think the more he does realize. Yeah. But the trick is it's I don't know, it's an art form because like every relationship, like he he doesn't want to get nagged. You know, so you have to try to communicate with him without the job, you know, because he's used to the job and he can he knows how to ignore his mom. And you don't want him to get good at ignoring you. So you don't want to act like mom when you're annoyed, which is to like poke and side comments and things under your breath and just and hope that he responds to you being annoyed because I'm guessing his default is to just blow it off, not make a behold me a lot of it because that's who his that's how he's been able to have this relationship with his mom is to not take her obnoxious side all that serious.

31:01And so if he's finding you to be annoying, infrushed rating and a not, he's just going to go to good at ignoring you. And that's the last thing you want. You want him good at hearing where you're coming from and validating your feelings because like it's a reasonable ask, you know, hey, I want to do this with you. Yeah, because I do sometimes already feel like he he says okay, but then nothing really changes. What is he said? Okay, are we talking more about her jobs? Are we talking about making decisions together? Like him stepping up for me, but maybe if I go in, like you said, more common and like this is hurting my feelings. Well, again, I think the sticking up for you and you making decisions together are two different problems. And I think one problem is more important than the other problem. But it sounds like the problem, the part that you are more focused on is the one I personally think is less of a problem. Yeah, you think the making the decisions together is more important.

32:03Yeah, you disagree. I guess, no, I get what you're saying. I feel like the other problem is the one that bothers me more though. So it's more present. Yeah. And it's, you know, it's on a day to day because like that's her personality and she just loves to jab and you guys aren't making big decisions together every day. But when those decisions do happen and you don't feel like you're being included or involved with your life. Yeah. It's going to be much harder to get over. If you're planning a wedding and you don't feel like it's you know, or God forbid, you're like, well, I like the name Robin and, you know, I don't know. And she's like, well, it has to be an Irish Catholic name. You're like, well, I don't know. But because she says it should be an Irish Catholic name, he will also think that. Okay. Well, good for him. But like that's, that's where you guys have to compromise, you know, but he still has to be interested in your opinion. Like because mom says so can't be the trump card, he can agree with his family as much as he wants.

33:08But he still is going to have to compromise with you. And you feeling like he is hearing you is the part that's not happening. The, the jab part is, I don't know, I don't know. You, I think you're more likely. I don't know. You just have to find a way to get on her level. Oh, I do. I make the jabs right back. Well, that, then it's never going to stop. I mean, you know, if it bothers you that much, it's like why she love to do it. And I can't though you do for us. I'll say it back because she doesn't bother her that that's her language. That's how she, that's how she has, you know, that's, she's the, that's his her. She doesn't take it personally. I don't think it's in my personality. But you know what I'm saying? You're playing her game and she's winning. No, you're right. And then she says I'm too sensitive in her mind. You are. You're going to get hurt. But you, when you fight back and you snark back, you, she doesn't see you as too sensitive. She sees you as capable of defending yourself.

34:10And she likes to play that game. You're going to have to take the high road and actually be like, listen, it really bothers me. And you're just going to have to look sad when she does that. And it's just be like, I don't hurt my feelings. And then if she's like, well, you're too sensitive, be like, okay, well, I guess I'm sensitive. It still hurts my feelings. And you have to not fight back because it's the moment you fight back. She's just like, oh, no, she's, she can handle it. Yeah. No, you're right. I do. I really think the being able to make decisions with them is way more important. Yeah. No, you're right. So I'll have to have that conversation. I don't think we need to break up yet. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. Mike, I just needed to hear that though because I was like, do I want to deal with this? Well, you don't want to deal with it. But I think you have to, you know, listen, everyone needs to be coached. And everyone needs to be molded a little bit and no one's a finished product. You just have to know he has the potential to value your opinion as much as he clearly values his family.

35:11Right now, technically, you're not his family. So his default is to just, you know, family first. Yeah. But you like, and that's when you're talking to him, it's more like again, like it's the whole understanding where he's coming from. I get it. Your family is really important. I love that your family is important to you. I like, I've dated a, you know, enough of guys where they weren't family oriented. And I love the relationship you have with your family. And it's, I think it's really great. And I love spending time with them. But sometimes it makes me feel like it's more important than my opinion about our life. And I would love you to work on that. And when it does happen, I would be very careful how you bring it up in the moment. Or maybe go, you know, when you're making a decision, you know, it's just like, I don't know, you're not going to go apartment shopping again. But whenever something comes up again, that you guys are making decision together, you can say, Hey, can we, I want to do this with you. And if we, if we want your family's input, can we decide together before we face time, mom or

36:17sister? And I just want to, you know, can we, I want to feel like we're doing this together? Can we do this together? Yeah, I want to decide with him. And then we can decide if we need more before you go into whatever that situation is. You got to put in the ask, don't wait for him to fuck up. And then you make your like remarks that make him defensive. And hopefully that will, yeah, listen, it's annoying because like this, you know, you just want to stop and you feel right and, and how you feel. And it's totally valid. And right now, but you're, you're, you're playing her game. It was helpful. And Barry, thank you so much. No, it really was because like I'm in a different perspective now. Yeah, I mean, listen, the good news is the clear, like she sounds like she likes you. It's just, she's, this is. I know that, I know the type, you know, like she, she's hard on me. Yeah, but she wouldn't be hard on you if she didn't think you, you could take it.

37:17And I'm guessing she's hard on a lot of people in her family. It's just like you're not used to this. It's not how you would want a relationship with your mother-in-law. Yeah. But if you want, you know, she probably has a heart. And if she thought that she was really hurting your feelings, I'm guessing she would tone it down. Yeah, she did. Like I joke around with a lot too. So she definitely thinks I could take it. But then I have a sensitive side. You have to show that a little bit more. I'll be more sensitive. And so I'm sliding back. Well, I'd love an update on how this goes. Yeah, maybe after the move in, more decisions with you. Yeah. And honestly, maybe come up with something. I don't know. Maybe you're, you know, you have to go buy a couch or your furniture shopping or whatever. Yeah. There's no apartment. A lot of furniture. So when you do that, hey, let's go for a shot. You're sending them photos of it. No, but when you do, that's when you put in the ass. But like, hey, can we do this together? If, you know, I would like to make this decision with you. And if you want, if we want to get your family's input,

38:18can we make that decision together before you just go and ask them what they think before you ask me what I think? I just want to feel like we make this together. And then you can kind of explain why because overall, like, you know, right now, I know you don't mean it. I didn't know it's because your family's close. And I know you value their opinion. And that's great. But it just right now makes me feel like I'm not involved in these decisions as much as they're involved. And I just want to feel like you care about what I want. Yeah. Yeah. It's nothing against them at the end of the day. So I just do feel like he values their. It's just it's a default. Yeah. It's a default. It's all he's known. And you guys are the same age. And he probably just subconsciously assumes that his indecisiveness is you, you, you share indecisiveness. So he's like, he probably thinks he's doing you, the, you two a favor. By asking his family and you just need to remind him that like, no, no, no, no, I want to do, you know, even if we get it wrong,

39:22I want to make sure that I want to feel like we do this together. Because if at least we're doing it together, yeah. So true. All right. Good luck. Well, I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Go have some fun. Thank you so much. I'm the case. I'll try. All right. Bye. All right. Take care, everybody. This ad placement is paid for by Beth and Body Works. They've just launched a new home fragrance collection that smells great and looks even better. It's called the reserve collection and it's designed to elevate the feeling of your home. If your place is in need of a mood change, the reserve collection has a fragrance line up that's crafted to bring lift in luxury to every room in your space. Start with the new fragrance infused liquidless reads and vessel, giving you the spill free way you need to set your space. Or go big with the four-wix ceramic candle, more wicks and more wow. Try Santol and Amber if you love something warm and a little unexpected

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41:23What's in it? Nicole. Nicole, how can I help? Oh, how do you? 33. How can I help? So my question I would want to discuss would be how do I distinguish between legitimate red flags over my fear of anxiety of self sabotaging and getting hurt? Okay. Can you give me some examples of what you're weighing? So my most recent example would have been I was dating the sky. He had a girl best friend, which is okay with me. I had a lot of guy best friends. But then he would consistently lie about when he was with her and say it was oh, it was just because I don't want to hurt you. So I took it as a red flag. Yeah, great. But then he kept telling me I was self sabotaging and I'm going to ruin it myself. And I just think it was gaslighting. Yeah. No, it sounds like you're, he's, why is he lying? I'm who knows why he said it gives us because he didn't want me to be hurt. He thought he knew what he thought I would get mad. Did he give you a chance to get mad? No, he just would always lie.

42:24Like why did he assume that you can't, you know, it's like, first of all, like, yeah, it's as weird that he's assuming that you would get mad in second of all. Like why that doesn't justify lying. So are you, I'm assuming you're not dating him anymore? Yeah, no, no, no. So now I'm just trying to see as a whole, my sister said, um, my sister told me that recommended me to talk to you. Okay. And she said, you give great advice and she said, how should I just add a whole because I haven't had the best, I guess, uh, picking of guys. And she said, I let red flags go and how do I know it's a red flag in general. I mean, first of all, I just like, I want you to acknowledge that you made the right decision with this last guy and you didn't allow someone who was showing obvious red flags. It convinced you those weren't red flags. So thank you. Do you have another example when you maybe ignore the red flag that you realized was a red flag?

43:24It makes me sound stupid. Um, yeah, I deferred red flag when I think, um, did they do it? Like I'm very empathetic. They know how to like hook me and then they like do the red flag. But this guy told me his mom was dead, um, a whole detailed story, how she died, but while pregnant with him and a car accident, this, that the third, the woman was alive and well. Okay. And then after you found out she's alive. I still talk to him. Okay. Yeah, that's how long ago was that? That was now like five, six years ago, luckily. Okay. So then I stopped dating for like two years before this recent guy, because that like fucked you up. No, well, it was that one and then another one. Yeah. And then I was like, I'm just done dating. Have you only met guys who are lying to you? Pretty much like, have you ever heard like the three month rule? How like they can't lie after three months? Like people like for three months act one way and then they like, I feel like lied for the whole three months. Yeah. Not for me. Three month rule.

44:25Oh, it's like a thing like they say someone can't pretend to they are for more than three months. So like, gave a relationship at least three months to learn who they fully are. My past two, that's happened like at the three month mark, they start just changing everything that like they said they wanted or what they liked. And then it's completely different. Well, the two examples you gave me are pretty, I don't want to say extreme, but yeah, they're pretty, well, yeah, those ones are. Yeah. So I guess like my like the middle example of that would be just like acting with like they liked my personality. I'm from New Jersey. I say it how it is. I'm blind. And then like liking that for three months and after three months, like telling me to be quiet in front of like my own parents, like you shouldn't say that. Like stuff like that. Like what came an example of something maybe you, I don't even believe like I could just rag on my parents or say what I want in front of my family as I would as if I'm with a friend. I could like first make a joke and then like the person like did not like that anymore.

45:26And they thought it was weird. Well, that's a little different. That is just someone getting to know you and then realizing, I don't know, I think there's a lot of times you're only in dating where someone does something. It's new. They haven't experienced or they go. She's a little edgy. That's fun. And then a couple of months go by. They're like, no, she really does this a lot. And I honestly, not a fan. And I don't like it. And that's kind of just dating. That's more normal than someone. Literally lying into you about their parent or this best friend who's a girl. I mean, in general, like I think it's cool that people can be friends with the opposite sex in your 33, right? Like so you're assuming you're dating men around your age. Yeah. And these are adult men. And I don't think adult people, if they want to be in a committed, serious relationship, should be investing a great deal of energy and time trying to still fit in their friend of the opposite sex with their lifestyle. I mean, you know, like that, maybe that is maybe not ready for a relationship.

46:29You know, and if someone is like, you know, if you're dating someone, start dating them, they're like, I got this girl, best friend. I don't think you'd be like, well, that's, that's not happening. I think it'd be fair to you for you to ask, well, what does that like friendship look like? And, you know, let's assuming you're dating someone for a month. And then you realize that they got a friend. And then in the first month, you guys are like, you know, it's all the butterflies. You're like, you're really excited. You're both mean like, I feel like I know you forever. And I really like where this goes. And like, I think I want to date you. By the way, I have this friend with the opposite sex. I think it would be fair for you to ask, what kind of relationship are you hoping to have with them? You know, it's like, oh, well, we got at the dinner once a week. It's like, well, you still plan on going out to dinner once a week with this, like, what are we doing here? I think it's okay for you to like say, notice some things. You know, because again, like, I think a lot of, especially adults, when they have friends of the opposite sex, it might be completely platonic.

47:33There might not be any like romantic feelings, but they're still playing the role. They're, they're playing a partial role that a partner would otherwise play. You know, it's like when I was single and I had like my, like, a lot of girlfriends, like, we would go out to dinner and, you know, we would talk about the people we're dating, but like, when I got a girlfriend, I was like, I'm going out to dinner with my girlfriend, you know, maybe there was a coffee meetup to get, you know, check, you know, maybe, but like, if, if you're serious about someone and spending the rest of their life with them, you want to invest that time in that person. And if they're cons, and you, if they're, if you can't see, feel like you're fighting for time with your new boyfriend and their girl best friend, then that doesn't sound to me like someone who's really interested in, and, you know, investing their energy into this relationship. They're like more trying you out. And it's just like, well, how involved is this best friend? You know, it's just like, I don't know many platonic relationships with the opposite sex

48:35where like the thing they talk about the most is their dating life. It's like, you know, like, I didn't sign up for you to have a girl best friend to you, like, for, you know, complain about me with, you know, it's like, it's more about like, how, how hard are they fighting to maintain the status quo of the friend? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, if they've been single for a while, it makes a lot of sense. They have girlfriends. Like, thank God they can have girlfriends. Like, man, you weren't, you know, it's like, if you're not been around women in the five years, you've been single. But if they are serious about meeting someone and serious about like, you know, I know I'm assuming like you want to settle down and get married and have like a life partner and make decisions together. Yes. Well, that requires a lot of commitment, a lot of sacrifice and a lot, it requires a lot of like, I am choosing to invest most of my emotional relationship energy into this relationship because it, you know, and even like times with the boys has to like take a slight backseat,

49:36you know, if they're trying to fit you into their life without making it, you know, without being excited about wanting to prioritize the relationship, that's definitely red flag. Yeah. I'm just like, it was all a red flag. Yeah. I think some of these red flags that, well, the good news is you're getting better at seeing them and not overlooking them. Yeah. What type of matter are you dating? I mean, I don't really have like a type, but it's very general. I wouldn't even call them men. I guess I called them boys at this point. Are they sometimes younger than you? I've never dated someone younger than me now. My sister told me I should try. I don't think they're any more mature either do I? I mean, let's you find the right one. Great. But, no, yeah, they're usually older, my age. Have you ever met a guy that you felt like that, that you have no reason to think they weren't generally just an honest person. And maybe you didn't like them or it just didn't work out because maybe it just didn't work out. Like gone on a date and just didn't like someone? No, I mean, like someone you dated for a while, you liked them, maybe had like a many relationship

50:38or a natural relationship. And they, they were just like, maybe not your person, but they weren't like. Yeah. Okay. You have had that. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And you just said you don't like them. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess why you focused on, I mean, again, like we all meet. Bad people, we all meet liars, but like I'm just from your standpoint, do you feel like you are giving the, the liars a disproportionate amount of opportunities compared to the people you? Yeah. Like I attract liars or something like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. What do you think? Not a track. I think it's just a very empathetic person and somehow like they say like narcissists and liars know that and they kind of just racked on to you. Sure. But I don't know. As many narcissists as the internet claims and you know, I agree with that. I agree with that. And I'm sure you're empathetic, but I don't guess you're not like a walking.

51:38Vic, you know, like a, with a target on your back, be like, this is a gullible person. So I feel that way, but no, hopefully not. I'll set up those two examples. If you have a more, we're guessing I'm in red flags. Like how to, there's a lot of like love bombing. Like how to when you say love bombed, what do you mean? Like someone that in when they first meet you want to be with you 24, seven act, like they're in love with you and then just totally switch it like. And that's not love bombing. Okay. So what's love bombing? Love bomb will technically love bombing. The actual term is when someone is like they're, you know, they're actually saying I love you. Oh, one of the other happened to no, no, no, the intent is to try to manipulate you with those words. Like they are deliberately doing it because they plan, they want something else to return sex or whatever. They just, you know, they, it's coercion, right? They, they are aware that the weight of the words or their actions and how it will affect you.

52:42And they're deliberately doing it to get something from you, right? Yeah. That's, that's actually love bombing. Okay. Love bombing is not someone who's maybe a little immature gets excited because they met a pretty girl. And you know, they got the love goggles on and everyone is again, is to your point kind of meeting their representative. Not the actual person and everyone's on their best behavior and they're, they're just excited, right? So they're looking the other way and then as you kind of point out, you guys kind of slowly get to know each other. Maybe in some cases, you're. You're, you're crafts mouth or you're sarcastic humor or whatever it is with your family. You do something and kind of rub them the wrong way and they're like, I, you know, I'm just definitely less excited. Someone having a change of heart or feelings changing is not love bombing. It's more being emotionally immature and getting their getting ahead of themselves. So to protect yourself in those instances is to recognize that despite being excited, you know, and you're old enough to know the difference.

53:47You know, you can meet a guy. He can be really excited about you and it doesn't matter how got how, it doesn't matter how hot he is or how rich he is or what is what he looks like on paper. Doesn't matter how excited he is. Doesn't matter what he says. Doesn't matter if you both are like, I feel like you've known, I'm knowing you forever. Like none of that actually beats just time spent together. So if you meet a guy and it's all going great in the first three weeks, it's just like, man, he's just like, man, this is great. I have like, no, I guess I'm looking, you know, he maybe brings in his own relationship trauma to the relationship. He's like, I'm looking for the problem. You know, I can't find it. You're perfect. And you're just like, well, you know, we'll see. You need to be able to recognize that despite your excitement that you still don't know each other. And then you have to be the part person, you know, if they're not willing to be to say, listen, I'm, let's just enjoy what we have now. And you can kind of almost joke, be like, listen, like, you know, I'm glad you love me, but like, or I'm glad you're like excited about me.

54:51I'm glad you're really like me, but like, you're old enough to know you can be that pragmatic person. It's like, we're going to get in each other's nerves. And I just like, let's just take our time because that's just going to get a guy to like you more. Quite frankly, don't not to be so easily like, it all it takes is for them to let show a little bit excitement and a little bit of planning for the future for you to be like, Oh my God, this is great. You know, you can be the, you can be the pragmatic person and be like, you know, we're not, we're not there yet. I'm not so sure. That makes them more focused on what they have to do to get you to be more sure. You know, when they're like, Hey, let's, I got, you know, what are you doing for Christmas? You know, you should come spend Christmas with my family. You've been together for two months. It's July and you're just like, yeah, it's amazing. And then you're like, I'm so excited. You know, like, and then you can kind of, you get wrapped up and, and they're pitch, you know, and then in the meantime, like you guys are still getting to know each other. And then, you know, August September, all around. And they're like, I don't like probably shouldn't have maybe asked her to go Christmas with me.

55:53I don't know. You know, because now, right? That, that just puts a lot of pressure on both people, right? So instead of, you know, in scenario one, he really likes you. You really like him. Everything's going great. You're six weeks, two months in the relationship. He's so excited about you. He's just like, yo, I know it's crazy. But like, what are you doing for Christmas? And you're like, I don't know. It's July. Um, and you're just like, listen, your family seems great. I'm really excited to meet them. But like, I just don't know, like, we've only been dating for two months. And like, this is going really great. But let's just, let's, let's put a pin in it because I, you know, we don't know each other that well yet. And that's going to make him in that, you know, I'm assuming he's not crazy. And he has some emotional maturity. He's going to be like, fair enough. You know, but like, let's think about it. You know, when, you know, and that, and that way he still has something to prove. He's more thinking about making sure that, you know, you like him is opposed to option B.

56:58You're just like, oh my God, really? You want me to come to Christmas already? You, you love me. Oh my God. You're obsessed with me. Like, oh my God. He's like, yeah, no, I am totally, right? And then now he's just like, I asked her to go to Christmas. She's super excited. She, that's all she talks about. And then two months go by and then, you know, I don't know, you guys start getting more comfortable with being your true selves. And you start, you know, doing stuff and you rub them the wrong way. And he's just like, fuck, I don't know. Like I, I'm not even sure I feel about her. And she's already planning on coming for Christmas. And then he feels all this pressure, right? And the pressure he feels is, you know, isn't to get you to like him. It's to being like, I think I over, I think I think I over committed here. And now he's looking for an exosrategy. So much depends on how you handled that conversation. And you give up your power when you just say yes to all these offers and all these future plans

58:01and all these like fantasies and playing house. And you're just like, yeah, I mean, if you're willing to do it, I am willing to come. You know, and then it makes it seem like all you care about is just being liked as opposed to you being like, I, yeah, I like you so far, but like I still have standards and you have, like we don't know if we'll see how it goes. It, it, you maintain your power because now he's still trying to make sure that he is doing the right thing to me. You know, is that makes sense? Yeah. 100% and if I had a guess, you're doing more of B right now. I'm just saying yes. Yeah. Yeah. And just assume that they're good for it. Yeah. You know, you know, you've met a guy you've really been really excited about in the first four weeks. And then two weeks later, you get the egg and you're like, I, right? Oh, for sure. And I'm sure maybe you've got excited about him and you even maybe try, like, do you think you were love bombing him? Or did you just like change your mind? Um, no, I just like changed my mind.

59:03Yeah. I think it goes both ways, right? I, again, I just think everyone gets excited and everyone gets ahead of themselves when they get really excited. That's normal. It's not, it's not, that's not manipulation. It's certainly not love bombing. What about when the person knows like when they are trying to get you to tell it, like, make me say I love them? Is that like love bombing manipulation? It really comes down to the intent. You know, what do you think their intentions are? Like when, when, when the, when did that happen? Oh, this last guy, the liar. Yeah, the one that went to the girl with the liar. Yeah, he was just right, like the third day, like said he loved me and I could tell he was trying to get me to say it. How do you mean, what do you mean? He was just like saying things and I was like, I think you want me to say something and he's like, well, yeah. And then like, I didn't say it that night, but like, well, first of all, anyone who says I love you after three days doesn't love you. It sounds, it's fun to say it's an emotionally charged word at your age.

1:00:04I mean, you're still young, but like you're an adult and at your age, when you're, well, that's right. She could as like love, but I thought it was love bombing type, or I guess there's a different word for it. I think it's just being immature. Amateur, yeah. Yeah. It's just someone who's just immature or just like people or someone who likes to play house and they like, they just like the work. It feels good. And you know, in the future, when that happens, if someone says that I love you for three days, you'd be like, I would just confident. I'd be like, no, you don't. I'm glad you like me. I mean, I, I get why you're super into me. You know, I can have some phone with it. Be charming and be like, you know, I get it, but you don't love me. You don't know me yet. And I don't know you. So like I don't, that's, you can, you should call it out confidently as like something that's kind of not an acceptable behavior. I wouldn't like chastise them, but you could just be like, no, you don't. That guy was obviously a mass and kind of a walking red flag. So it kind of made sense, you know, at this stage in your life, you have to have a generally good idea of what are healthy, what are, what, what feels normal and healthy and like at a good pace and what feels like you guys are being 18.

1:01:09Right? Because if he was 18, when you, if you guys were 18 and he was saying this, you just chalk it up to young love and not knowing better. He should know better when you're dating out there and a 33 year old or 38 year old guy acts like an 18 year old boy, red flag. You know, um, and if he's telling you he's loved you up to three days, he's definitely told someone else. He's loved them after a short period of time as well. You seem wonderful, but no one, like you know, I'm saying no one falls in love actually that quickly. You can feel it. It can be excited. It can feel unbelievable, but you, you still don't know them. And you know, it is, is my opinion when it comes to like real love, the love that we say that we want when it comes to like saying I do and starting a family is knowing who they are and knowing their faults. And when you say I love you, you're not saying, oh, I love all your great qualities. You're saying I love you. And entirely, you know, when a guy says I love you to you, you have to feel confident that he is

1:02:12seen your bad sides, that he is seen how you are with your family and your bad habits and your, whatever it is, your messiness, whatever you're fully aware of your shortcomings. And when you're, you know, when we all date, we definitely try to mask them a little bit. But you know, they eventually come out in the end, but for you to feel truly loved by someone is for them to have seen those things. And if for them to be like, yeah, that's kind of annoying. And, but, you know, whatever, you know, I still love her and she's great and she makes me happy. And yeah, I wish she wouldn't do that, but like whatever. Until you feel like a man has seen that, side to you and still accepts you and then says, you know what, I love you. Then you can trust that. And if a guy says it before that, most like he's just really emotionally immature and he wants, you know, that instant gratification or he doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand that he needs to get to know you, the labels really mean a lot less to me.

1:03:14Like we get, nowadays, get so obsessed. Who loves Bob? Who cares what the technical term is? You just know, you should know at this stage of dating that a guy saying, I love you that early is just him, you know, caring more about how it feels to hear the word than actually how he feels about you. And that should be the red flag. And nothing mean you have to like cut and run, but you have to be able to call it out in a way that doesn't make him feel inadequate and then have him go, yeah, you're right. That's fair. You know, I listen, I just really like you. I'm just really excited about you. And I think I just got ahead of myself. That's okay. Normal response. That's fair. We're all human. We've all that's that can even feel good. Yeah, no. But yeah, we definitely need to get to know each other. And then that's an opportunity to be like, yeah, no, listen, I have, I'm not, I know it seems like I'm perfect, but I am not. You know, and then hopefully that gives like a little bit of a window for both you to start

1:04:15feeling more comfortable to be yourselves and show a little bit of glimpses of who you actually are so that they can have so they can accept that person for who you are. Yeah. Thoughts, feelings, concerns like. No, I think what you're saying is like accurate. 100% right? Does it feel manageable for you to start doing? Like when I'm saying this stuff, are you picturing moments that you've had with men in your past that you've dated where you could have said or done something a little bit different than when you did it? Oh, for sure. Yeah. And just take things slow and but you say kind of like making a joke like, you don't love me. Yeah, charming. Just the important thing and it sounds like you're to got this because you demonstrated this with the last guy is you need to know what is healthy behavior and what is immature behavior. Yeah. And when you experience immature behavior with some of these men you're dating, you have to have the confidence to call it out and not let them convince you that you're crazy.

1:05:19Yeah. And not on making it up. No, the trick is to like when you call it out to not make them feel inadequate, you know, you don't want to call them immature and you don't want to be like you're freaking weird. That's where the charming part comes in. Like I get it. I'm amazing. I get why you're you know, you're super into me. But we don't really know each other yet. And then the response to that should be an acknowledgement to you being a mature adult and then acknowledging that you're right. I just got a little head of myself. Forgive me. You're you're you're you're great. And I'm really excited. But sorry for getting ahead of myself. But you're right. Let's talk about Christmas in November. We'll see if we're still dating. And it's okay for you to say I'm really excited about you. But like I'm I'm unsure about this yet. You know, not because of what you've shown me so far that I don't know you. We don't know each other. And that's like I want to I want to get to know you. And if a guy makes you feel crazy or tries to make you second guess what you know is healthy behavior

1:06:21and tries to pitch you on why the immature behavior is the right way, then that's is that's that's an immediate like you know what? You're not my guy. I'm not 18 anymore. I don't have the time to convince you why you are sounding like an 18 year old and not a 33 year old. And maybe and and you didn't sign up to coach someone. Yeah. That much. You think it's manageable? I think so. I have problems connecting with people. So we'll see what do you mean? Liking someone in a romantic way is hard for me like connecting in that way. Harder than most people like what you know like I don't know. Yeah, like even my I know it's my guy friend. But my guy friend always says too like he I just don't like people that way. Like I like people as friends. Well, I guess what I get people say that kind of stuff a lot. And I'm always kind of like well what do you want to be in love with everyone? You know like you know you go on 20 dates. If you only kind of liked one, I think that would be normal. Are you supposed to be in love with everyone?

1:07:22No, no. I mean it's you know like if if you if we want it to be special and if we want it to be unique and if we want it to feel like it's something worth fighting for and something worth making sacrifices for and keep investing and keep working at like that you should. It should be hard to hard to find. It is. But yeah, but like I doubt that you're like labeling yourself is in it like there's something wrong with you. You know, I'm sure you're unique like everyone else. You have certain preferences. You know, that everyone's your cup of tea. There's a lot more people out there. You're like, yeah, you seem like a cool hang. Let's be friends. I don't know if I want to marry you or have kids with you. Like I don't think that makes you like some sort of like, yeah, well, you have a, you know, it's them wrong with you. You're more difficult in the average person. The skyfriend I'm curious. Was there ever a romantic element to it?

1:08:22No, no, he's he's known me like my whole I've lived in LA almost 11 years. He's just known me the whole time through like my I lost a bunch of weight. I was fat. I was skinny. He like has just known my whole my whole existence. And how much is your weight fluctuation affected your confidence when it comes to dating? Well, I like not to sound anyway. I like still got guys when I was fat. Period. So I've not much. Okay. Yeah, not much. Okay, great. So that was that to do with the best friend? No, I just mean like he always brings it like he think I guess brings it up and thinks he's like no, he's like, I've seen you at all. You're different stuff with all your different dating and I guess he thinks I should have more confidence now with it. And I guess I don't. I don't know. Do you think you don't have confidence when it comes to dating? I don't know. That's a good question. I feel like I'm back for it. I guess it depends on the stage of dating you're in. It doesn't sound like you have confidence that you can find men that are interested in getting

1:09:23to know you and are attracted to you. It doesn't sound like you like to confidence. Oh, no, I know men are attracted to. To get on the apps to try to set up a date. Like you can get dates, right? Yeah. So you're confident there. And that's such a big part of the confidence. Because a lot of people don't feel that way. Some people are very... They haven't had a lot of luck. They're dating. They can't even get a first date. If they get lucky in their first date, they never get a second date. And they really get in their head about how people receive them. It doesn't seem that's your issue. Yeah, I know. And to me, when it comes to the confidence in dating, it's such a big part of it. Your is more like... Your seems like just trying to navigate a lot of emotionally immature people. Well, you're also trying to navigate how you feel about someone while you're trying to get to know them. And that just can just...

1:10:23Naturally, you can get pretty confusing, pretty fast. Right? You're trying to get to know someone. He's demonstrating some immaturity by moving too quickly and moving too fast. And the only thing you don't have the confidence in, that there's a confidence thing, is to know that you are correct and feeling like things are moving too quickly. Assuming that's how you feel. Yeah. To me, it's this more... You being confident, knowing that this is... No matter how great you are, that knowing can be that sure that quickly. And he still has a lot to get to know you. And you would know that because you know you, right? Yeah. And he's going to... His feelings and opinion of you is going to evolve. Right? Like, if you've been hanging out with someone for a month, they are going to think differently about you one way or the other.

1:11:29Five months later. They might be in love then, or pretty close to in love, or they might hate your fucking guts. Right? But you are definitely going to show them more of who you are in those next four months. So, they are saying they love you this quickly. Again, it's the confidence of knowing that's not true. And then not taking this excitement as a sign of anything other than being a little, they are getting a little ahead of themselves. Yeah, a lot of ahead of themselves. So, yeah. I mean, that sounds like the biggest thing maybe to try to work on. And in the meantime, just... Because yeah, because you keep getting out there, like dating so much, it's like taking you at bats and getting your swings. And then when you start liking someone, and you feel like they like you back, that's the time to just maybe have that conversation with yourself, or your sister, whoever, and just be like, all right, what have I done in the past, what I want to do in the future? I do like them. It seems like he really likes me.

1:12:33So, I want to take it slow. And if he tries to move things along, then just try to slow it down and explain why, without making him feel like he's weird or an idiot. And hopefully, he acknowledges what you point out, which is like, yeah, you're probably right. You know, I'm just really excited. So, sorry for getting ahead of myself. But... And then, and if not, if he tries to gaslight you or make you feel stupid, then you know that's probably not your guy. Yeah, and that's my answer with that anyway. Well, keep us updated. I'd love to see how things progress for you. Hopefully something good. I don't think you are what was the phrase, your self-sabotaging. Unless there's another example that you have. No, I mean, I... It was him telling you yourself sometimes, and you'd be like, I don't know, maybe I am I? Yeah. Yeah, no, that's... Again, the only thing that maybe you lack the confidence is confidence in knowing

1:13:36what's appropriate mature behavior versus, you know, inappropriate and immature behavior early in a relationship. But it seems like deep down you know what the difference. Yeah, I guess yeah, just putting it into action at the moment. Was this helpful? Yeah, yeah. Well, keep us updated. I'd love to see how things go. Thank you so much. I appreciate your call. Thank you. I love you too. Bye. Bye. That feeling when you're trying to build your credit. And it's like over and over again. Good news. Chase Credit Journey can help you with a personalized score improvement plan, provided by Experian. So when you still need that credit built, you have the guidance you need. You can even get a Chase Secure Banking account with no monthly service fee if you're 17 to 24 years old. Hallelujah. This tool is for education purposes and doesn't guarantee you'll reach your credit score goal. The score you receive uses Vantage score 3.0 model and may not be the model used by lenders.

1:14:36Remember FDIC. Toyota's easy choice sales event is on. Whether you're looking for the performance of a camera, the versatility of Rav4, the efficiency of a Corolla, or all electric driving in the BZ, there's a Toyota that's just right for you. And with great deals across the lineup, now's the time to find yours. But hurry, these deals won't last long. Toyota's easy choice sales event and soon. We make it easy. Toyota, let's go places. How's it going? Hey, Nick, it's going okay. My name is Joss, I've been in 35 years old. And I need help figuring out how I can stop begging my partner for the bare minimum. Okay. Tell me more. So we have a two and a half year old daughter together. We've been living together for a year. We were never really together. And we just happened upon a living situation where we thought it made sense to move in together

1:15:40to help him financially, to help me financially. But really, it kind of feels like now I have to do everything in the house. So I think you guys call it being like the preferred parent. So where I used to kind of have a couple nights to myself, when she would be with him, I no longer have that. And I do all the grocery shopping, I do all the cleaning and the cooking. And I feel like I need to get angry for him to kind of start helping out around the house a little bit. When you say you're never really together, what do you mean? Essentially, we met when he was a line cook and I was a server. Traject story. He was in a relationship. I was also kind of seeing someone both those things ended on their own separately of us having a child together. So we were never with friend girlfriend, anything like that. So you hooked up one night and got pregnant? Pretty much. A couple times and then got pregnant, but yes. Sure, but yeah, it wasn't the first time, but so you were at best maybe in a situation ship when you guys got pregnant.

1:16:47Right. And then after you got pregnant, what do those conversations look like between the two of you? It was pretty difficult. There was, I would say a lot of games kind of on both sides. I was trying to date someone. He didn't like that. But he wasn't willing to leave his situation. The person I was dating did not like him for obvious reasons. So it was, I mean, I would say pretty toxic to real-time. Are you guys even together now? Were you just like cohabitating? He see it's difficult. I would have even saved her together. I mean, we go out to eat and we take our daughter places, but I don't consider myself in a relationship. I working a job and a half and being a mom, I don't care today. I don't care to go out. I don't go to the bars. I'm not on dating apps. I'm just trying essentially to survive. So we do still are intimate with each other every once in a while, which I think is an added later of complexity.

1:17:48Definitely complex. Yeah, it's, you're going about it all the wrong way probably. But I feel like you know that. I do know that and I just heard things I need to be able to move out. I mean, in today's economy, you know, you think it's easier to be with a roommate and split bills. Yeah, so that's kind of what I was doing. Is it better I struggle alone? Well, I don't know. So one, I know that I'm sure your daughter is a blessing to you and I'm sure you're thrilled to be a mom. But I think you need to, but I guess my point is is it's obviously a challenge. It's very expensive. It can be very scary, especially in your situation where you're like, am I doing this by myself? Do I have someone? How do you feel like he is as a dad? You're like, you feel good about that? Just like to do your daughter. I mean, I'm not talking about how helpful he is. I mean, I wish he engaged more because I'm quote unquote the preferred parent. What do you mean? What do you mean my preferred parent? I mean, if we're home, she wants mommy.

1:18:48She wants mommy to play with her. She wants mommy to get her milk. She wants mommy to put her to that. She wants mommy to get her toys. But he doesn't make it fun. I have to coach him like, oh, daddy's a bear. He's going to give you a bear hug with the tap. Well, there's a lot. Yeah, listen, I mean, you know, boys will be boys. Listen, I think I'm a great dad. But when it comes to that stuff, that's where Natalie really shines. And she is certainly in your words the preferred parent. I think most moms with their young babies are. There's this. You guys have a connection that I think that's something fathers have to grow into as their kids get older and they get more mature. You know, they're capable of like bonding more where I think moms just have that organic true connection. And as good as the dad as I think I am, I'm, you know, I'm going to lose person in my head and my default isn't. I'm not a goofy guy. You know, it's not my, it's not my go too.

1:19:50And I'm so grateful that I have my wife to encourage me to be more playful and find my goofy side. And I really appreciate that about her. I'm sure she wish she didn't have to remind me as much as she does. But there's a little bit of like, that's, there's a little bit of like, that's kind of life, right? But let's table all that for now. Right now, you are co-parenting with someone you're not in a relationship with. You have enough of comfort and it's like good enough for occasionally you have sex because like you're both kind of there. It sounds like there's at least enough of mutual respect. It's not like, doesn't sound like it's overly toxic or, you know, miserable or it's just not, it sounds like it's just very confusing for you because there's really no defined roles and there's not defined expectations. And neither of you really know what you want with each other and you're making the most of it. It sounds like based off of financial decisions makes a lot of sense. I think for you, you need to kind of like take a step back, right?

1:20:53And it's going to require some honest conversations with yourself and with your co-parent. Step one is you need to, you know, just have a very, you need to, you need to figure out what you can do. Like, how much, like, understand that life's expensive and these times it's not easy for anyone. But are you capable of living on your own and what would that look like? And is it possible? Now, no doubt it might be harder and it might be more difficult. You might have to, I don't know, what is your support system look like? Do you have help with family members? Are there, are you alone? Like, what's your situation look like? I actually have a pretty good support system and I was living alone while, well, I hadn't remained while I was pregnant. Then moved out of my own, moved in with an aunt just so again, try to save some money. She was very particular for having a cat and a small child. So I've done it before and it's a grind. And I mean, I still still feel like I'm grinding.

1:21:56No doubt. How old are you again? How old are you again? I'm 35. Okay. So you're super young. You have a lot of life to live. And right now you're putting your whole life on hold for this situation you're trying to make work, right? And so I guess you just need to, you need to understand your options. And maybe a lot of your options aren't going to be perfect or ideal. But right now your current situation is getting you nowhere. And there's no end in sight. Because, you know, I guess one question is like, do you see a future with this guy at all? And it's like, what do you think? Do you love him? Are you? I wouldn't say I'm in love because it's hard to love someone when you don't feel appreciated and all of that. I think part of my problem is going to him and saying I don't think this is working. And because I feel like once I tell him I can't live there and don't want to live there anymore, it's going to be one of my, so he kind of likes to play victim. What am I supposed to do? I don't know. I mean, you're, I just don't want to turn into his enemy. Yeah. I mean, I get that.

1:22:56But you're two adults in an adult situation. You guys have to figure it out. You just have to have a talk. And it's kind of two separate conversations. Again, first, I think it's really important that you understand your options. Whatever those are. And knowing that maybe in the short term, none of your options might be like, oh, perfect, perfect situation. The goal for you right now is to get yourself out of this endless gray area and find a path forward, whatever that is. Maybe it's a path forward with him. Maybe it's a path forward without him. And you need to sit him down and be like, listen, like, let's this be honest. Like, do we love each other? Do we want to make this work? Do we want to relate to each other? Like, no, there's no wrong answer. You would just, you have to take the pressure off both of you and just be like, let's just be real with each other. I know we have this daughter together. We are, we are connected probably for the rest of our lives, certainly for the next 16, 17 years. But like, we're going to do the best for our daughter. But like, let's just focus on ourselves right now. Do we want to be with each other?

1:23:56Yes or no? You both need to answer that question to each other. Right? If the answer is yes, then you need to talk about how you guys change your dynamic. You know, what are your expectations? What do you need from a partner? What would you like? Maybe he has expectations. And you guys have to find if there's some common ground there. If there is some common ground, then you guys need to prioritize, prioritizing this relationship and, you know, the date nights or whatever. You need to connect. And you need to bond and find out if there's love there. You know, and hold each other accountable. Yeah, that's a difficult part. There's really no like dating or, I mean, we didn't really even date before. Well, that's what you get. If I'm hearing you correctly, it sounds like you guys have never really, you guys just, you got pregnant. Life moved fast. You made some quick decisions. You guys were both probably in survival mode. You tried to date other people. Then it was like, I guess, I don't know, we have this kid together. Fuck it. Let's just move in. We like each other enough. You know, and then you guys just accept this new reality,

1:24:58which is like this, again, this endless gray area of like, I don't know where I stand with my co-parent. But right now I'm just focusing on my daughter, which makes a lot of sense. But I think you can accomplish both at the same time. But it does require you guys getting on the same page and having that conversation about like, what do we, what do we want? There's no wrong answer. Do we want, do we want to try to make this work and be a family? And if not, I'm not like, it's, I might be sad, it might be disappointed. But I would rather us both be happy and have a relationship with whoever they are. And still be good parents to our daughter. The expectation is no matter what we decide, we're going to be parents to our daughter. You know, I mean, you might be a better parent or whatever. You know, and you'll have to figure that out if you guys go your separate ways. You have to decide what you guys want. You guys don't even, you don't know what he wants. You don't even know what you want. Yeah. There's no reason for you guys to plan date nights because you're both like, I don't know, I don't know. I mean, we live together. We're here because there were co-parents.

1:25:58You know, Nellie and I are married, right? So like, you know, there's the grant. We have twins. It's like it's, it's so easy to kind of just get lost every day. And, you know, and we, as a married couple, have to be like, you know what? I haven't connected with my wife in a while. I haven't connected with my husband. We are intentional about it. We, because we're married. And so like, we know that we, it is a priority for us to like stay connected. So, you know, you guys don't have that. You don't have an expectation of this relationship. They're not, well, you're not even boyfriend and girlfriend. There's no, there's no expectation for you guys to connect. And it's hard enough for couples and relationships who have an expectation to be a couple and still connect. You guys don't even have that. So, I don't fault either of you for not doing whatever it is. You know, you're, both might be waiting on the other person to do something, but there is just no shared expectation of what you guys want for each other as an individual outside of being parents. And that is step one is getting on the same page. There's no wrong answer. But you need to, you need to come with the decision.

1:27:00I think that's good clarity. I feel like I have a shared expectation. I guess I'm sharing with myself that we're kind of in this together and managing this household together. And he's on the expectation of sometimes he's just kind of there. Like, I'm cooking. I'm thinking, I'm engaging with my daughters. Like, we're doing all these things around this person. Yeah, but like, he's there's no expectation. He's just like, I don't know. I got this room, she splits the rent with me. And again, like his, he's, he, listen, I'm not making, trying to make excuses for this guy, but like he's clearly a dude who, you know, got a girl pregnant and didn't know what to do and wasn't sure how he felt about her. Wasn't even sure how she felt about him. And now he's this kind of like, whoever he was as a man, you know, that he's just being this man. And there is no expectation from you that's communicated that you guys have to each other, that he needs to be a better version of himself in order to make this work. He doesn't even know if you want him. Yeah, you know, so like what's, what's his motivation?

1:28:01I guess it's just, yeah. So you guys just need to get on the same page. That's that kind of scared to bring this off. Why? I mean, listen, the clip, you know, clarity is the thing you don't have and clarity is the thing you need the most. Because again, you are going nowhere fast. You're only 35, but if you don't change your dynamic, you could easily quickly be 40 in the exact same situation and then 45. And you just kind of, you have a roommate that your co-parents with and your dating life has passed you by. And your opportunity to meet someone that you really can, and his opportunity to meet someone is, is lost. And you both deserve much older than I am. So how much older? He's 48, he just turned 48. Okay. Well, a bit of a red flag there that he's, he clearly is set in his ways. Yeah. But nevertheless, you still need to get on the same page. And if the answer is you guys don't have a future together,

1:29:04at least you'll have clarity. And then you hit, then you'll know you'll need to make some decisions. And that first decision is ending this cohabitation. Because there's no, like you guys shouldn't be living together if you're not going to be together. And I know that's not ideal. And in the short term, there might be some challenges in things like that. But you deserve to be in a normal, like if you're not, if you're not in a relationship together, it's not normal to be living together. It might be necessary, you know, financially it might be something you guys were required to do at a period of time. But I'm getting the hint that right now, while it might be a little easier in the short term, yeah, you might, you have some options. And if you guys decide that you're not going to be a couple, then I think it's really important for you to end this cohabitation. And if he's like, well, what do I do now? It's kind of like, well, we're not, you know, we decided not to be together. So that's kind of not my problem. You need to figure out your shit. I need to figure out my shit.

1:30:04We both have a responsibility to our child and let's just figure out a co-parent together and get on the same page. And then you have expectations of a co-parent is very different expectations as a loving partner. Where you're raising kids together, you know? Yeah. You can get people get divorced all the time. And you know, a lot of times it's not fun or not healthy. But there's a lot of successful co-parenting situations where they realize, hey, we're not each other's person. We both love our kid. Let's figure it the fuck out. But we don't want to be with each other. And I want to find love with someone else. But it's going to be very difficult for you to date. We're just like, yeah, I got this guy living with me. He's a father of my child. And I don't occasionally have sex. I don't even know where we stand. But do you want to go on a date? Like, how are you going to do that? Yeah. You know? I can even begin to think of doing that honestly because I just feel so drained. Sure. The time. Yeah. Which, you know, I understand. But I imagine part of no doubt being a mom

1:31:06and the responsibility is to come with it or draining. But it's also just draining to be confused about where you stand and not, you know, not know, do you have a dive the right to ask him to do this? Is this a partner expectation? Is it a co-parent expectation? That then itself must be draining, you know? Just to be emotionally stuck is draining. Yeah. So I really think if you get some clarity about where things stand, again, no doubt, you'll still be busy. You'll still be drained. But you, you know, there will be moments where if you guys don't live together, hopefully you can figure out some kind of co-parent during a arrangement, which will mean that like your daughter will be with him. Right. And not with you, which obviously has its downside, you know, having to share a kid. That sucks. But you might have more free time. Yeah. You know, you might be able to do stuff yourself for yourself, you know, and things like that. So I feel like that's where you stand now, it's not sustainable.

1:32:07And I think one of the things is recognizing that. And you need to, you need to change your current situation because your current situation is not sustainable. And when you accept that and realize no matter what I do, it can't be this. Are you there, need to get on the same page? I mean, either to decide to actually work towards something. And then in that way, you will feel more empowered to have expectations of him as a partner. And when he doesn't meet those expectations, you can say, you know, you can decide for yourself how many chances you want to give him. But you should have some kind of line of being like, I tried, you don't want to be the type of partner that I want. And I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. And so let's just figure out how to be co-parents. And if he does the whole like, what do I want to do? It's be like, well, that's not my problem. We're not in a relationship anymore. Yeah. You need to figure out, you need to get your own place or you need to stay here, I need to get my own place. And you need to start making adult conversations as co-parents. Oh, man, I feel like this is going to blow my mind up. You feel like what?

1:33:07It's going to blow everything up. That's a good thing. Do you like your current situation? No, not particularly, but it's almost, I just don't want to be having to fight and argue. And what are you worried about fighting and arguing about? I just, just kind of going to victim mode and what am I supposed to do and all this stuff? Let him. Again, that's assuming, you're assuming, it sounds like you're assuming that if you have the, do we want to be a couple conversation, it's not going to go well. There's something that will be a mature conversation is you framed it. Ideally, that would be the goal, if you had that mature conversation as to adults. But I could just see it turning. Paul Stella, not in any way that it gets actually like physical or violent, just uncomfortable and where one of us is walking around,

1:34:07pissy at each other, just that sort of thing. I mean, I, no, I get that, but that's not a reason to stay in your situation because you, because you're trying to avoid ultimately like one tough conversation. Right? Yeah. I mean, again, I know it's, I know your current situation is not ideal, and it doesn't feel like you have a lot of good options. I recognize that, but you just need to recognize that your current situation is not how you want your life to be. And right now, you are stuck in this very unique, very abnormal situation where you don't even know where you stand with your co-parent romantically. And it doesn't allow you or him to like live the life that you guys both deserve to live, which is to, you know, be a parent, but also like have a future and like a shared goal and common ground and, and, and the ability to have expectations without huffing and puffing. And if he doesn't want to be that person that you need,

1:35:07Right. Then you need to get yourself out of that situation. And that might require, yes, some uncomfortable conversations. He might get frustrated, but if he does, if he doesn't want to be the person that you need, then you need to leave. You're giving him a chance. Right? And if he's not capable of... I think there's... There's multiple chances. Sure. Well, yeah, I mean, listen. At the other day, you just got to ask yourself, is, is short term frustration and discomfort worth the like the potential long term opportunity that I'm going to give myself by changing my situation? Because my situation sucks. Because my situation is going nowhere fast. And you just... That should be the title of this, my situation sucks. Well, yeah. But like, you're either going to do something about it or you're not going to do something about it. I think it's difficult too, because as you know, being a parent, the day just goes by, and I get it. I get it. I get it.

1:36:08I do not want to downplay all the responsibilities and challenges you have. That being said, you're frustrated at your co-parent for playing the victim. There's a little bit of... Like, you're doing it a little bit as well. Like, I'm... Listen, again, I understand your situation is difficult, but I'm just trying to throw out some solutions, and you have to at least be willing to consider the possible... Otherwise, you're just... This is going to be your life. And if that's what you want, that's your choice. But it is your choice. You do have agency here. I know you feel stuck, and I know in a lot of ways you are stuck, but you're not trapped. Okay. And yes, making different choices and changing your current situation will almost certainly create more short-term problems than exists now. I recognize that. Things might get more difficult before they get easier, right? You might have to live with an aunt.

1:37:08You would... You really don't want to live with or whatever. You know, you might need to ask for some help from people that you'd rather not ask for help. You might... You know, be a little bit more financially straight than you currently already are, right? I understand that. But those all might bring a path. You know, you can find your independence, you can get your own place, you can start dating again. You know, there are solutions, but you have to try them out. Because your current situation sucks, and it's not getting better anytime soon. And again, you can try to find common ground with him as a romantic partner. It sounds like you don't have much hope for that happening. But until you do something about it, you've recognized that he's not going to, because he seems to be less frustrated with the current situation than you are. Yeah. So you're going to be the one who has to do something about it. Yeah. And if you want more for your life, and I hope that you do, because you deserve more for your life,

1:38:09you're going to have to make some tough choices. Mm-hmm. You know, and I just think, you know, what you really don't want is five years to go by, and you being in this exact same situation. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Like you're just comfortable enough, despite your frustrations with your current situation, to not do something about it. Yeah. I mean, it's like we have an argumenter blow up, and then he tries for a couple days, where he's doing the things I need him to, and then we hook up, and then it kind of just drips back to, okay, why is it this time? Why isn't that done? Yeah, but you're just nagging him about your frustrations without, and again, without an expectations of what you guys are as a couple. I mean, I just, parenting is hard. I mean, it's just, it's like fucking grind. And I'm lucky enough to have the partner that I have, and so much of the motivation I have, it's not all this like selfless stuff, I feel good doing things for my partner.

1:39:16I feel like when I'm doing things, I am growing our connection. I am prioritizing that motivates me. It helps. You guys don't have that. And if you don't have that, that's okay, but you're still like in each other, you're doing this weird kind of playing house, and there's just no real like, and then that way it's really easy for him to like this kind of be who he is. And that's why I think it's really important for you guys to like, instead of nagging, oh, you do this, and your problem isn't just I want him to help more. Right? Because if you called up and said, honestly, my co-parent, he's a great dad, he's super helpful, but like, I don't know, I just like, we're not together. I don't know where we stand. I would still give you the same advice, which is like, well, what are you doing? You know, it would be better that you, you know, because your biggest problem

1:40:17isn't like his laziness or how, you know, how he's not as helpful as he could be. It's that you guys are playing house, and you have no expectations of what you guys are as a couple. And so then he's like, he's not motivated to help you in a way that I'm probably more motivated to help my wife. Right. You know, and it's probably easier for him to let you be the preferred parent. And, you know, because it's it is like, it's definitely I have to go out of my way when River is like, mom, mom, mom, mom to say, mom needs a break. Let's go. I got to step up. I got to be a dad because I want to give my wife a break, you know, but it does require an awareness in me, you know, it might might also require my wife to, you know, point it out to me. But I want to I want to give her a break. He doesn't have he doesn't have that with you, you know, he's just like, I got this girl pregnant. Now she lives with me. Oh, okay. So it's rap is a hypathetic way to end down tonight. I say, what are we doing here?

1:41:23We need to talk. I mean, how do you even just segue into what do you want? How do we get on the same page? What do you want? You need to figure that out first. I mean, I could see a future rubber together if you can do x, y and z, but I don't know that he's capable of doing those things. But is that solely based off of him doing chores and helping out? I mean, I kind of tell him, you know, like my love language is not physical touch. I don't want my like, slap on doing dishes and then with our daughter all day, you know, if you can come in and ask me how it's my day or remember something I told yesterday and follow up on that. But I just, I don't think he's going to change. Like he said, he's probably said in his maybe not. But I get it just starts with it's not, I guess it's like, I think I could see a future with me helps out more. It's this more I want to hear from you. I love parts about him and I could see us growing a connection if we got on the same page and I want to see if he wants to do that. And the conversation is like, what are we? I, you know, I think we're both confused

1:42:26about what we are. This isn't a relationship. And do you want a relationship with me? Because it has a relationship is more a lot more to do than him just doing half the chores. I want to, do you want to like, I want, I want to, I want us to fall in love. I want us to try to connect and go on dates. Do you want that with me? Do you want to make an effort for us to fall in love? And see what he's, if he, if he, sort of him being like, you know, that would be nice. I want that too. I wouldn't bring up the chores when you have that conversation. This is about the romantic connection. That's step one. Yeah. And if he's like, I don't know. And he's like, well, I want that for myself. I want a fall in love. I'm, I, you know, and if it's not with you, I want that with someone else. He's, he's like, well, I, what do I want to do? He's like, I don't know. Like, I didn't sign up to have a child in a roommate. Yeah. And if you don't want me and if you don't want us to be of, you know, a couple. And if you're not willing to give me what

1:43:28I want is a girlfriend is a romantic partner. Forget it again, sending the child aside for a second. Then, and then that's okay. But I, I want that to deserve that. And if you don't want that, then I want to, you know, we, I got to make some changes. But you have to say what you want first. And it's not just about the chores. Yeah. Assuming you're right that he's not going to give you what you want. Then yeah, then you need to start figuring out your options and what your next move is. He's not your problem. If he doesn't want to be your partner. Yeah. It's your kids problem. And you're, you know, and he's responsible to be a dad. Right now, he's not responsible to be your partner. Right. And that is showing in his lack of effort, if that makes sense. Right. And then you just have to not, you have to not. Oh, man. And then again, you have to do something about it. It'll be very easy for you to not do something about it because you're just comfortable enough. Yeah. That's, I guess that's my advice.

1:44:33But let's again, like you're only 35, you know, like I would focus a lot on what do I want my life to look like when I'm 40. And what do I, what do I have to do to change things? And that will probably require some short term increased discomfort. But as long as you're safe and as long as your kids safe, I'm guessing the additional emotional stress and energy that it's going to be required to make some of these short term changes, you will, you will also gain some independence, you will gain some clarity, you will stop constantly wondering where you stand, you will stop constantly stop being frustrated at him because at least now you know where you stand. And if you decide to move out and get your own place and stop pretending to be a couple, then you can be like, hey, all right, you're the co-parent. You got, you know, two days away, I don't know, whatever you guys agree upon or whatever. Like he's not going to do the chores at your house because it's, you're not going to live with them anymore. Right. You won't be frustrated at constantly on

1:45:37him. You won't be wondering why he's not doing stuff. You might have, you know, there'll be other frustrations and certainly like, you know, again, you'll have to fear about the co-parenting thing. But you will, that will free you up a little bit. I want to feel like we need to go backwards. What do you mean? Like we were living apart and we did have our own space and all of that. Yeah. You guys decided to be roommates. You didn't decide to be partners. Yeah. And you need to like make it clear that you don't want to keep doing this because I don't, I don't want to like, we're just roommates. Just call it out. You know, I don't want to have occasional sex with my roommate. Who's my co-parent? Yeah. And it's worked out for now. But like, I just want more, I want more. And it's okay if you don't want it like you've, listen, our relationship started kind of crazy. You kind of not take it personally, you know, as much as you can. But the thing you have to keep asking yourself is what I want my life to look like in five years. And if you want it to look differently than it is now, you are going to have to make changes.

1:46:40And probably some tough choices. Yeah. But you definitely can. Well, I'm going to go have a good cry. I have to take this conversation. Don't cry. Think about what your life can be and have that motivate you and stop playing the victim if you don't like the victim. I get it. You are, you have a bad situation. There's no denying that. You definitely have, you deserve empathy. You deserve sympathy. You deserve all that. I'm not saying you're, you know, in some ways, you are a victim of this situation. But you're not so much of the victim that you can't do something about it. And feeling sorry for yourself and constantly saying the sucks without doing something about it is the same type of irritation you have with him. You have to try to not be that person. Right. I know it's hard. And I'm not saying don't go cry. But like eventually you're going to have to like look in the mirror and be like, yo, all right, when we get our shit together, I'm going to stop feeling sorry for my situation. I'm going to start getting fucking busy. I'm going to start doing shit about it. And I'm going

1:47:41to change my situation. Yeah. I mean, I know that. And I take steps like I see an apartment and I make the appointment to go on the door. And then I'm like, oh, I can't go on that door. And because it's just so simple to just feel like you're stuck or yeah, I know. That's almost like getting cold feet. I hear you. But again, I think what you need to have, you need to hear it from him that there's no future. You need to just accept that decision first because right now you're kind of like, I don't know, I would. If you would, I don't know, maybe. Alrighty. First get that clarity about where you guys are. And is there a future? Doesn't sound like there's much of a future, but who knows? But like put yourself out there. Let them know what you want. Know what you deserve. Don't settle when it comes to your romantic relationships. And then if you get the answer, you think you're going to have then start making some decisions. He's no longer your problem if he doesn't want to be your partner. I keep telling myself that.

1:48:43That's eventually you're going to have to believe it. Well, thank you for the clarity in all of this. I hope it was helpful, but yeah. It was separating the roommate aspect from the romantic aspect, from the co-parenting aspect. But yeah, you're just, you will listen, you can do this. And I hope that you remember this call five years from now. I hope you're in a different place. And if you stay motivated and know you deserve better and bust your ass, you'll get what you want. And it's going to take some time, but you will be in a better place. And you'll be proud of all the all the obstacles that you overcame to get where you got. And that's what you need to focus on. Not focus on the sucks. And there's nothing I can do about it. Yeah. All right. All right. Keep us posted. All right. You will do. All right. Take care. Thank you. Bye-bye.

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