DM Dilemma: meet ADHD "Addy"

0:00Slide into our DMs and maybe we'll feature you on a DM dilemma like we are ADHD. Addie. She writes, I'm increasingly convinced my husband has untreated ADHD, but he refuses to consider it. And I'm at my breaking point. He can't seem to focus on anything for more than a few minutes. Conversations, household tasks, family activities, even hobbies. He says he enjoys things constantly get started and abandoned halfway through. And it leaves the rest of us picking up the pieces. I've tried gently suggesting he talked to a professional, but he brushes it off or laughs it away. At this point, I'm exhausted and starting to resent him. Even though I know he's not trying to be difficult, how do you deal with a partner who clearly needs help that refuses to get it? Uh, clearly needs help is a bit traumatic. As is this entire DM, I hate to tell you, Addie, but you know what I did not see in there in all the symptoms of her husband having ADHD that's not treated.

1:00I didn't see anything about him constantly losing jobs, getting fired, bouncing from job to job, the job, he seems to be holding down a job. So what if he can't complete his hobbies? They're his hobbies. So what if he has a half built picnic table in the backyard? Like that doesn't mean somebody needs to seek professional help. That is completely traumatic. Oh, I'm so torn because like your advice now got me mad and on the defensive a little bit because it's like, okay, maybe he can mask really well at job and at his job, but then through all that masking by the time he gets home, it's like he's got to overcompensate and she shouldn't be forced to deal with that. Like that's great if you're single and you can live your best unmasked life at home, uh, and you know, then going to work and mask up every day and have your job and take care of yourself. But he does have a relationship. Now my advice to Adi is I think like trying to put a diagnosis on him, not cool.

2:00Like that's not going to feel good. If he did the same thing to you, if you were going through a hard time and he tried to give you a diagnosis, that wouldn't feel good. I think coming from a place of curious compassion and asking questions is always going to get you further than like making these statements of you, you're so unfocused. It's frustrating picking up all the pieces of the things that you've got such a dramatic phrase left to we're left picking up the pieces, picking up the pieces of what? Like I don't know. I've had relationships mostly friendships that have gone incredibly south because of my ADHD because they truly cannot handle being a friend with me. Does that stink? Yes. But also like if you want to support your husband calling him out, isn't going to get you very far. 6-0-1-995-1017. We open it up to you to offer Adi some advice. What do you think she should do? I'll quickly catch you up. Adi has a husband and she thinks he has ADHD.

3:01Now he has not like been fired from any jobs or anything like that. But with his like personal activities, he like does things halfway. Chores, even his hobbies, she says, and the quote, we're left to pick up the pieces just seemed so dramatic to me. Oh my gosh. Well, there is no sympathy for you on the text line and thank goodness. I'm just saying spend two decades with somebody who always leaves you holding the weight from the little things like the dishes to the major things like never being the main bread, main breadwinner, retirement savings, planning for your kids, college life, cluttering your life and spinning y'all's money on unfinished hobbies and projects all while being a terrible communicator who never has a full conversation about anything important from start to finish it wears on the soul and it doesn't matter. If you think it's a silly problem, Adam, it's a problem for her that makes it a problem for both of them is he says you can say I cannot keep reminding you to do your chores. You have to regulate that yourself.

4:03Someone is never required to get diagnosed if they do not want to. What you need to do is set boundaries. They cannot be boundaries set in his space, but in yours and let them know. The flightiness is making you resent him. Absolutely. Brittany making another good point about you not understanding Addy's frustration with all of this. She's saying women want a partner. They can depend on not one that's creating more work for them. Olivia says they need to have a heart to heart and talk about what's going on with the both of them. Yeah, I agree with that. I think that's going to get us the best results. And James says she should approach. Would you do it for me if I'm wrong? That's great. But for just for peace of mind, talking about going to talk to a professional, telling him to go talk to a professional for her. Abbie's here. Do you have advice for Addy? Yes. I agree with Alison in the sense of being kind and compassionate with curiosity. What we do understand of ADHD is that it is a dopamine seeking activity

5:06in the brain. It's an overproduction of too many things to focus. The thing is like browser cabs being open in your mind. And so the thing is, when we know that, then it's one that we can sit there and say, okay, this person is not meaning to cause me harm, but it can cause harm. It's the difference between impact and intention. The intention is what the person who's doing the action does, that the impact is what the person who feels it. So it may feel dramatic to be like, we're not picking up the pieces, but say they say they had a project at the kitchen table and, you know, they abandoned it halfway through. Well, we need to now fit at that kitchen table to eat dinner. Abbie, are you a professional? No, I just play one on the radio. I have a degree in psychology. I've also just, you know, life has hands and we'll give you some life lessons, regardless of if you're prepared for them or not. Thank you so much for the call and the advice Abbie will appreciate you. Absolutely well said, that sometimes life just gives you hands.

6:09Life is just one to throw hands sometimes. There's the d.