Dating Advice We Need to Question

Some places promise you a change of scenery. Others show you the world in a whole

new light. Take Ilamarada between the brilliant sunsets as your skies, warm clear

water and endless activities including legendary sport fishing and diving.

Ilamarada will take you places you've never been before. In more ways than

one, for more about Ilamarada visit FLAKES.com slash Ilamarada.

Welcome back to your safe space, the podcast hosted by me at Delmarine. Just like

the name says this is your space to chat, reflect and dive a little deeper into

the things that matter. Today we're talking the idea of masculine and feminine

energy in relationships. You've definitely seen it online or heard it in dating

conversations. Women getting told that they need to soften. Men getting told

that they need to lead and relationship problems often being explained as

someone being in the wrong energy. The more I hear this conversation the more

frustrating it is, is this actually a helpful way to understand relationships

or is it just another framework that we've created to simplify something that is

a little bit more complex than that. Let's open up this space.

Hello everyone, good afternoon, good morning, good evening, good whenever you're

listening to this. I'm trying to stop there. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, because that's

how I open every single episode. But thank you so much for coming back. I, as

always, appreciate it. I'm very sad to tell you that this is the last episode

ever that I'm recording here and I still don't have a new studio locked in. So

the Chronicles continue of me not knowing and figuring it out. But you know what,

I just tell myself it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. If not this

something better, that is a core principle, a mantra that I rely on and even

though this situation is not the right time for it to be happening for me. I

trust that I'm protected by the universe. I trust that I am the universe's

favorite and I'm going to be okay. That's how I get through this time. But I am

also a little bit sad, not only is it the last episode I'm recording in the

studio, it is the last week of my Better You Challenge. So I want to shout out to

my Better You girls who have been doing it. We had, I believe close to 600 of

you. I don't know if you're all listeners of your safe space, but I just want to

say a big thank you doing this challenge was so incredibly cup-filling for me.

It was amazing to really dive into that community element with you and it gave

me so much joy and purpose and I'm really gutted that it's over. It's so bit of

sweet. I'm very proud that well I mean it's not officially over yet. We've got a

few more days after this app comes out. But I'm just sad. I'm sad that it's done

and I'm grateful it happened, but bit of sweet absolutely. And so without any

further waiting, I think we should get into today's episode. And why I kind of

wanted to do this is on the back of watching maths, I saw Tyson, the character

that they have on there, definitely not my cup of tea, definitely not somebody

that I would ever match with on a dating app. And in one of the episodes I was

watching last week or the week before he kept referring to his partner as

masculine and kept saying you're so masculine, you're too masculine and she's

just having a normal conversation with him. Like maybe she was being a bit

firm or direct, but she definitely in my opinion, I don't think I would call

that behavior masculine. And every time he kept saying it, I was literally

sitting there saying to my boyfriend, take a shot every time he says feminine,

masculine energy would be pissed, would be hammered. And it's not just on

maths that we've seen it. I see it on social media. I see it, especially on

any of those like dating coach. I feel like that's there for

you know, the clips or the podcast episodes they put out feminine energy,

masculine energy. It's always you know, he needs to lead. He needs to be the

dominant one. She needs to soften so that she can be nurturing and she shouldn't

be too masculine. And it's fascinating to me because the idea of feminine and

masculine energy doesn't actually come from modern psychology or the modern

dating world. It goes far back way, way, way back. And a lot of it does pull

from much older concepts and ideologies. Some of it I believe comes from

ancient Chinese philosophy, Yin and Yang. Now in Chinese philosophy, Yin and

Yang represents the duality in nature and the dual nature of reality,

where opposite forces are interconnected and interdependent, creating

balance and harmony in the universe. Yin and Yang were always about

balance, not about strict roles for men and women. We also have psychologists

Carl Jung, who spoke about something called the Anema and the Anemis, which

represents the archetypes within the human psyche. And the idea in this

psychologist theory is that with every person, they carry both the masculine and

the feminine qualities within them. So the point wasn't ever actually that

women should only be feminine and men should only be masculine. It was almost

the opposite actually. It was that humans are complex and layered and contain

both. And I guess over time, with the likes of social media technology,

especially if we add in self-help books, self-development, dating advice, it

has in a way lost its way. The idea has slowly been simplified and turned

into something a little more rigid when it comes to gender roles. And instead of

balance, it's just been more about following rules. It's been very strict.

As I said, women always being told to be soft, to be surrender, to be

receptive, to be in your feminine energy so that he can lead and guide you

and men should be the leaders, the protectors, the providers, because they

would hunt and gather back in the day. And I just think it's really fascinating

how these complex ideas about human personality get turned into something

that is about traditional gender roles, just with different language around them.

And I think when we see people talking about feminine and masculine energy,

it is so important to remember that a lot of what we're hearing is that it is

those old outdated views with new branding. And I like to hold more of a more modern

view, something that is grounded in, I want to say, psychology, relationship

research. And I haven't always held this because I want to be so honest.

A part of me maybe did subscribe to this whole masculine feminine being

your masculine. He needs to be being your feminine. Don't be too masculine.

When I was single, and I thought it was interesting that even though I've

changed my view on it, and I see it from a different pair of E now,

it is common that a lot of people are drawn to it. It is not lost to me that

people bind with the people believe it. And I think part of the reason that this

idea has become so popular is because humans often will gravitate towards

explanations that are simple when it comes to complex things.

And relationships are one of the most complicated parts of life.

They are sometimes really hard to deal with dating involves a lot of heavy

emotions, dating involves getting the timing right, communicating with somebody

else, navigating all your baggage, navigating the next person's baggage,

being vulnerable with this stranger. There are so many moving parts when it

comes to dating. And so when we see a framework that makes it sound simple,

it looks appealing. It feels appealing. There is also a concept in psychology

called cognitive ease. And it basically means that our brains prefer

explanations that feel clear, that feel neat and easy to understand,

even if they're not the full picture. And I think even being aware of that

makes so much sense to me because I struggled when I was single. I struggled,

especially in my late 20s. And I did really subscribe to this whole masculine,

feminine energy in that way. And I'll give you an example. You know,

if you hear something like it's not working with this person because you're too

masculine, that's a much easier explanation or thing to understand rather

than unpacking the real things behind it or the things that might be actually

happening underneath it. I'm talking about attachment styles.

I'm talking about how we learn to connect with people,

how we watched our caregivers show love to each other.

I'm talking about our communication patterns, whether someone shuts down

in conflict and stone walls or rather heated or they can talk through things

calmly, even just how we regulate our emotions, how you handle your big feelings,

how you handle conflict, something like compatibility when I think about it.

Sometimes you might not be compatible. That's actually not a really heavy

thing, but sometimes it might be easier to blame it on the feminine energy

or the masculine energy. Two people can be very good people and still not be

a good match for each other. But those conversations that I mentioned and

those examples are much more layered. They require a little bit of depth to it.

They require some reflection and not everyone is comfortable with that.

And I think the masculine and energy conversation that idea gives people

that ease that understanding and it feels easier to swallow.

And it's almost this instruction. If you do this, the relationship will work.

If you shift into this energy, things will improve.

And in a space like dating, which is, like I said, very hard sometimes.

It's exhausting. It's fucking uncertain. It's vulnerable. It's unpredictable.

Certainty can feel pretty good. Even if it's not the most

healthiest way to look at it or the most productive way to look at it.

But my main issue with the idea of masculine feminine energy,

especially when it comes to dating is that it does reinforce outdated

gender stereotypes. And it's very subtle.

I didn't think I was doing that when I was subscribing to the masculine

feminine energy in my mid 20s. But very quietly, it does reinforce

traditional gender roles. When you look at the language around it,

it often ends up sounding a lot like old ideas about how men and women are

supposed to behave, just packaged up in this modern, nice sounding word.

And then I think if we look at what modern dating is like and what a modern

relationship is in 2026, those rigid roles aren't what we determine whether

a relationship works out or not. And one of the most well-known researchers

and my personal favorite, I follow Gotman Institute on Instagram.

He sure will be following them. Famous psychologist, John Gotman,

he has spent decades studying couples and what predicts long term relationship

success. And to me, it's very interesting that his research highlights

things that have nothing to do with masculine energy or feminine energy at all.

What the Gotman Institute suggests predicts long term relationship success

are things like emotional responsiveness. An example, when your partner reaches

out to you emotionally bids for attention, bids for connection, you respond

to them with care rather than dismissing them, things like respect.

Even when you are not in the same page or maybe you disagree, you're still

able to talk to each other with care and kindness rather than with

content, conflict to repair. That's talking to the ability to come back from

an argument, the ability to reconnect instead of letting resentment build

and fester away. And the Gotman Institute also suggests that friendship

within the relationship is another big indicator, genuinely lacking each

other, enjoying each other's company and feeling like you're on the same

team. No, we're in there. Do I see anything about the relationship being

successful as being dependent on someone being in their masculine or feminine

energy? What healthy couples or healthy relationships do is they are able to

flex the masculine and feminine roles depending on the situation because

we all have masculine and feminine energy within us. We all have masculine

and feminine traits. Sometimes one person might be taking the lead in

something. Sometimes you might have to swap roles. Sometimes one partner might

need more support than the other. Sometimes the other does. Is that not 50-50?

Sometimes it might look like 60-40 or 80-20 or 70-30. It is much more fluid

than the structured, rigid idea of you have to be in your masculine if you're

a man and you have to be in your feminine if you're a woman. I also think it

can be a little bit unhelpful if we're so focused on like this feminine masculine

conversation. We end up missing other really important parts of what to look

for when it comes to dating or in a relationship. Emotional safety,

communication, mutual respect. I think it just limits it if we stick to that

feminine masculine conversation. The other thing I wanted to mention is that

the feminine masculine conversation quietly shames women. It concerns me. It

places a lot of the responsibility on women who maybe in relationships that

aren't working. It puts the responsibility on them. The message is sounding

like if your relationship isn't working you must not be doing your

femininity correctly. I see this all over social media. Women are being told

you're too independent. Don't be too independent. You're too career-focused.

Definitely don't focus on your career. You need a soften. You need to be nurturing.

You need to be open to that feminine. Lean into that feminine so that he can guide you.

Some places promise you a change of scenery. Others show you the world in a whole

new light. Take Ilamarada between the brilliant sunsets,

Azure skies, warm clear water, and endless activities including legendary

sport fishing and diving. Ilamarada will take you places you've never

been before. In more ways than one, for more about Ilamarada,

visit flak.com slash Ilamarada.

And it pisses me off because it's like this idea that if a woman is confident,

successful, sure of herself, driven, self-sufficient, as we should be, that now she's

somehow stepped out of her feminine energy and that's why her relationship

isn't working or that's why she's struggling to find a partner or that's why

she's not having luck in the dating pool and that is just bullshit.

And then I think if you look at research on gender roles, it also shows that women are judged

at both ends of the spectrum very harshly too. If a woman is, say, confident, assertive,

direct, she's often always labeled as aggressive, intimidating, or too much.

On the other hand, if a woman is more passive, quiet, or say, accommodating,

she might be seen as weak or lacking confidence or not strong enough,

we can't kind of win at either end. And it's this double bind that psychologists call it where

women are criticized for opposite behaviors at the same time. If you're too strong, it's a

fucking problem. If you're too soft, also a problem. And we're expected to sit in this

middle ground, this very narrow space where you can be a little bit confident, but don't be too

confident. You can be a little bit successful, but don't be too ambitious. Don't get too big

for your boots. You can be a little bit independent, but make sure you're still soft and make

sure you're still a people-pleaser and make sure you're still accommodating. It's exhausting. And

this line is constantly moving. It is shifting, dependent on your culture, social expectations,

even the people around you. And that's why it's so frustrating because when we get the

relationship advice that we need to be more feminine, that we need to be more soft, it just adds

another layer for us to think about, for us to perform to, for us to be this version of ourselves

rather than just being ourselves. And that can make dating feel like your constantly just playing

this role, that's not really you. Instead of showing up as who you actually are, I did mention

this a moment ago, relying on the feminine and masculine energy really just ignores personality

and attachment styles. And that conversation, I think, if so much deeper needs its own another

podcast episode on it, we all know attachment theory talks about our connection, how we

seek connection in adulthood, but it's based on our childhood, it's based on how we watched our

caregivers show love, how we watched them interact, our parents or whoever was raising us,

it can talk to trauma that we may have had in our childhood. Basically, how our early experiences

with connection and safety shape the way we behave in our relationships later in life.

And I have spoken about this in a separate podcast before, all the different attachment styles.

We have avoidant attachment where someone values independence really strongly and can feel

overwhelmed when things become too emotionally intense for them. On the other side, you've got

anxious attachment where someone might crave reassurance or feel unsettled when there's distance

or uncertainty with who they're dating or their partner. There's also secure attachment where

someone feels comfortable with closeness, someone feels comfortable with communication and someone

feels comfortable with independence. And when you have a lot of people in the dating pool not aware

of their own attachment issues or their own attachment styles, even not even saying that there's

issues, it can really change dating culture and change the way that dating cycles work.

And when you do start to date, you see these patterns and you see these dynamics start to play out.

An example, if you're someone with an anxious attachment style, you might reach for more

reassurance from your partner and you might be really on edge when they start to pull away or when

you shift a difference in their energy, whereas someone with a more avoidant attachment style might

actually try to create a little bit of distance when they're feeling a little bit too close or

feeling like their relationship is demanding a bit too much from them. And if we just blanket that

with feminine energy and masculine energy, she's chasing him because she's leaning into her masculine

energy or he's pulling away because he's not in his masculine energy. But in reality, what's actually

happening is an anxious avoidant attachment which is a lot deeper and two different attachment

styles interacting with each other that has absolutely nothing to do with feminine or masculine

energy. It is about emotional patterns, nervous system responses and the ways people have learned

to experience connection growing up, which I think it just reduces it. If we start blaming it on

femininity and masculine energy, you miss the deeper, more useful conversation. You miss the

conversation around self awareness, communication and understanding our own relationship patterns and

our own relationship history. And so, what is the solution or what is the way forward? I think it is

to look toward relationship dynamics, dating dynamics in a more well-rounded, healthier way.

And pushing back, challenging the feminine masculine energy conversations or even if it's not

conversations that you're having out loud with people, but that's how you might view them,

challenging that within yourself. Instead of framing relationships through that masculine

feminine lens, be more flexible with it. In psychology, they call it psychological flexibility.

It is really just the ability to adapt and be flexible with different situations and

respond in ways that support your relationship or support your dating or support you as a human

rather than feeling locked into any role or locked into any situations. I think learning so much

about what I've learned by going to therapy, about myself and about my own attachment styles

and my own history. Healthy relationships don't require people to perform a fixed version of

themselves. That's not realistic. That's not possible. That's not something that is sustainable

either. A healthy relationship in my eyes allows me and allows you, allows people to move

between roles as they see fit. It allows people to show different parts of them. It allows you to

be a deeply layered, complex human. Sometimes you might have to play the nurturing role. Maybe

your partner is going through something, something serious, something that's upsetting them.

But other times that might be you and your partner might be the one who is nurturing you.

Sometimes you might be the assertive one. Speaking up on your boundaries, asking for what you need,

explaining to your partner about something that matters to you. Vice versa, your partner might be

assertive with you. Sometimes you're the vulnerable one. You might be sharing something that's

difficult or that's hard that you're going through at the moment. Sometimes that might be your

partner. Other times you might be the strong one holding down the fort, holding space when your

partner needs it. Sometimes it might be your partner and vice versa. The key thing is that these

qualities are not tied to genders. They are not tied to a man or a woman. Both people in a relationship

should be able to access every part of themselves and be fluid with it, be flexible with it.

And I think it's so important that we push back on this idea that relationships are about one

person being the protector and the other being the soft one, being the protected. That's not

helpful. That's not productive. Instead, relationships need to be about two people trying to meet

each other's needs, trying to show up for each other, trying to respond to each other's needs as

they arise, which Dr. John Gottman, the Gottman Institute talks a lot about responsiveness.

And I love it. I think it is just a healthier approach. Are you guys emotionally responsive to

each other? Are you emotionally available to each other? Do you listen when the other person is

trying to communicate something important? Do they listen to you? Do you adjust and show up for

each other when life gets difficult? Do they do that for you? These are the things that I think

are more important to focus on rather than masculine and feminine energy. Does a relationship feel safe?

Does a relationship feel supportive? Do they try to meet your needs? Not whether someone is trying

to perform in their masculine energy or their feminine energy. At the end of the day, a good

relationship is not about fitting into a role or fitting into a job. It is about supporting your

partner, showing up for your partner and being flexible enough to meet each other where you are.

And so I don't think the goal in relationships is about being more masculine or being more feminine.

If you haven't got that by the end of this episode, I think it is just about finding,

dating, being with someone who makes you feel emotionally safe. I think it's about being with

someone who respects you. I think it's about being with someone who is responsive to your needs,

who treats you with care and treats you with kindness. That doesn't make your partner then be more

feminine. That makes your partner human. That makes your partner also trying to show up and do

their best and meet you where you are. I know that I just rambled on that, but I had so much to say,

I couldn't help myself and I really do hope that is helpful, especially to any of our listeners

who might be single, who might be seeing content like that. Click on it, say not interested.

Take it with a grain of salt. Of course, take anything you hear on a podcast with a grain of salt.

Even the stuff I tell you, but I hope that I'm able to challenge anyone who might be leaning into

that or might be even finding that they are leaning into it and not feeling very good about it.

I don't believe that is the best approach when it comes to dating or relationships or showing up day

to day. All right, guys, we are at the end of the episode. I am going to give you a different

thing today. Usually I give you guys a recommendation, which I have a recommendation for you, but I've

got something better for you today because tomorrow is HotCrossBunday with Bakers Delight.

And I got to work with them over on my TikTok and I'm really grateful because I love working

with Bakers. They're my favourite. At the moment, I'm going through a bit of a cheese and bacon roll

face. I got to work with them probably about three weeks ago now. I made this video about HotCrossBunday

where you can go into any Bakers Delight Bakery tomorrow on the 13th of March and get a free HotCrossBund.

You can pick up either a traditional chocolate chip or a apple and cinnamon. And oh my goodness,

their HotCrossBunds are the best. You already know that bit of free one. It is limited to the first

300 people per bakery so you need to probably get up early and go. But my gosh, I love them. They

did it last year. I worked on that campaign. I got to do it again this year and I just can't

fault it. Who doesn't love something free and who doesn't love a delicious HotCrossBund? Am I right?

I think I'm right. Guys, I'm going to love and leave you there. If you like this episode,

please share it. Share it to your stories. Share it with a friend. Share it to someone who you want

to challenge about the masculine feminine conversation. And even though watching Mass CCR has low

key, piss me the fuck off. I think I've been very grateful because it has given me lots of thought

starters and then I've been able to give you guys all my thoughts and word vomit. But I'm going to

say goodbye and I'll be back in your ears on Monday. Bye.

As an independent podcast, your safe space grows through word of mouth. So if you enjoyed this

episode today, the best way to support me is by leaving a five star review on Spotify or Apple

podcasts or simply sharing the episode with someone you love. Thank you so much for listening

and I'll see you next time. This podcast was recorded on Rurundjeri land. Always was,

always will be Aboriginal land.

Some places promise you a change of scenery. Others show you the world in a whole new light.

Take Ilamarada between the brilliant sunsets, azure skies, warm clear water and endless

activities, including legendary sport fishing and diving. Ilamarada will take you places you've

never been before. In more ways than one, for more about Ilamarada, visit flak.com slash Ilamarada.