Cry-it-Out is NOT Sleep Training. What are Behavioral Sleep Interventions?

0:00Welcome to the Confident Motherhood Podcast. I'm your host Ann, mama of two, holistic pregnancy and pediatric sleep consultant and the founder of Empowered Decisions. In our seasons together, I'm here to help you step into your inner confidence from pregnancy to motherhood. Whether you are preparing to meet your baby or integrating into new mom life, this is a safe space with education and support for your journey. Join me as we raise the vibe of our motherhood collective. Welcome back to the Confident Motherhood Podcast. Hi, I'm Ann, your holistic pregnancy and infant and toddler sleep coach. And today we're going to talk some shit. I want to talk some sleep training shit. You know why? Because cry it out is not sleep training. We're even going to throw fervor into that category. And before we get into exactly why that is and break that down for you. I want to give you some context. I have been a sleep coach for the past eight years. My eldest is eight. He is the entire reason that I am a sleep coach because sleep is so horrible

1:00with him early on. And it completely changed. I like literally walked away from a corporate career and pursued the life of becoming a sleep coach. And it's been a really beautiful experience and I've helped hundreds and hundreds of families over the years in a gentle holistic sleep coaching capacity. And there's some subjectivity around the word gentle. But early on in my career, I felt like not in a defensive way, but I always felt like I was kind of like on a tennis court like trying to oh, hit this and hit that and like, oh, over here and over here. Because of everything that gets thrown at you when you say that you're a sleep coach and there is an immediate assumption that what you do is cry it out because apparently that's the only thing that's ever existed in the sleep training field. And here's the deal. Cry it out has been around for a really long time and unfortunately that has created like this gray cloud of this umbrella over just that term alone. Cry it out is not effing sleep training. Cry it out is an unmodified extinction method. You know what that means? That means you're putting your baby in their crib and you are walking out

2:02for them to eventually figure it out. May that work for some babies and it's not terrible? Yes. May that transition in getting their baby in a crib and walking out into being a horrific, terrible, resulting in extended amounts of crying day after, yes, also, yes. So I think the way I thought about it is like, okay, well, I'm newly in this career and you know, people got some strong opinions I could see. I wasn't even really like hip to the game on sleep training when I was pregnant and a new mom, but when I was having horrible sleep with my son, you know, you kind of hear things. And I'm very thankful that my first real experience in the world of sleep coaching was holistic and gentle sleep coaching because it was a beautiful experience. And when I then pursued, I was like, this is what I want to do. And I ended up leaving my corporate job. I was like, more families need to know about this. This is incredible. And I realized that I was like up against a big stigma on sleep training. And I kept thinking to myself, I'm like, that's not all sleep training. Like we have options out there. And it's because it's been around for so long. And I've also just realized that some people are just really committed to misunderstanding, right? Some people are not going

3:05to step outside of that potential idea that sleep training can mean something else outside of just leaving your baby in a room and walking out. And that's going to result in lots of crying. So let's talk about why it is not sleep training. So you're leaving a baby solo in the care. Are they going to figure it out? What does that process look like? We don't know. Sleep training falls under a category of what can be considered graduated extinction. But it falls under a category of BSI behavioral sleep interventions. And here's how this gets broken down. I always kind of envision a puzzle when I'm thinking about sleep and understanding the science behind sleep. And we have a puzzle board with all these puzzle pieces. So one of the pieces is going to be your baby's nutrition, which is going to include appetite and write all their eating everything due to their little eating world. Then we have their schedule and schedules going to include things like set schedules and awake windows in your child's sleep pressure, which is their body's drive for sleep. Super important. By the way, then we have their sleep environment and we have the development,

4:07their mood, their temperament. We have moms, mental health moms, maternal health. We have the perspective that parents have about their child's sleep. We have a lot of different puzzle pieces on this board. Okay. So when we are even thinking about like, hey, sleep is upstruggle, whether that short naps or back and forth at bedtime or lots of night wakeers are just feeling like your baby's sleep is not getting better or maybe even it's getting worse. We need to start with their puzzle piece board because in order for sleep to improve and for that to stick and for your child to be a good sleeper for a long time, they need a sleep foundation. And that means we are making adjustments in looking at one or all of the puzzle pieces on their board to make sure that when we implement behavioral sleep interventions that we can be successful, your child can actually learn to sleep. And that can be in an easier process, right? Easier for them also means easier for you, they're developing a skill and they're heading into the direction of having a solid foundation

5:08of sleep, which means they're getting nice, solid, healthy rest, which helps them to cope with the constant and ever changing growth and development. We're talking through babyhood, we're talking into toddlerhood, like really setting a foundation. And cried out isn't looking at any of those things. It's not. Ferber isn't looking at those things. Now Ferber, it would be one step, whichever way you want to say, one step up, one step down, of you're doing some check ins. So there is some intervention. So that's where sometimes it gets a little cloudy with Ferber, like do you put it in like, nope, it's not sleep training or do you put it into a category of behavioral sleep intervention, which is fine. I can see it on both sides. But that process of doing check ins and commonly write five, 10, 15 minutes like you're checking in to provide some support as they're working through it. We love that. But what it's completely lacking is looking at the puzzle and it's completely lacking that process being in tune with the child. You're in tune with the timer. When you're at KM, I'm going to give them this time, you're creating some space for your child to work through it, but it's not necessarily in tune. So I think as always, this podcast episode is not changing my opinion

6:12that as a parent, you have the right to choose to sleep train to not sleep train to choose an approach that feels aligned for you. And I think alignment is actually really important in your success, because if you're aligned in what you're choosing, then you're going to commit to it. And if you're going to commit to it and be consistent, high chances that you're going to improve sleep. But here's the deal with cried out in Ferber, because I've worked with so many families over the years that maybe you know, maybe even had said, hey, and with my first child, we did cried out, and maybe we want something different or, hey, we've done cried out a couple times now. And like, it'll work for a period of time. But then my child regresses and then we try it again. And we might have success for a little bit. And then they regress like, what am I missing? We're missing the puzzle pieces. Maybe one or two of those puzzle pieces is on the floor. We might not even be looking at some of the puzzle pieces. And I would say majority of the parents that I have worked with and gone through this extensive, you know, one-on-one private coaching experience with me have been like, oh my god, like I didn't even realize how layered sleep is, like how this connects to this, connects to that. Now sleep is complex, pediatric sleep is complex. But my job, and I feel like always my goal, is to

7:13simplify, to help simplify sleep for you, especially as sleep is getting better. But here we are, eight years later, and I'm like, fuck, like this is the same narrative. And again, I'm still not in a space where I want to be all over my own TikTok or YouTube, and being like, no, you need to change your mind about cried out and sleep training. No, not really, honestly, because I truly believe that the families who want to seek sleep support will, and they will find an approach that works for you. But the point of this podcast is if you're in a space where you want sleep to be better, and somebody is telling you the bullshit of, oh, it's just a phase, oh, it's just a regression, oh, it'll go get better. Oh, I went through that with my child. Oh, yeah, don't do sleep training, like that's terrible. Who would do that? Like, who even does that anymore? Cut the noise. That's bullshit. You want support. You just have to find a coach and or an approach that aligns for you. We have to assess the puzzle, and we want to take steps in the right direction to help, like your baby sleep, but also your sleep to improve, because we are so connected going back to that puzzle piece where I'm talking about, like, you know, mom's mental health and like, how is mom doing?

8:16We're so connected with our babies. You think of our babies are struggling that we're not struggling. Their good days are our good days. Their bad days are our bad days. So it's like, it's not just about baby and baby sleep. You are connected in this process. And I think far too many moms continue, eight years later, I'm still in the same place, continue to suffer in silence, thinking, one, this is just a part of motherhood. Like, there's just a right of passage. We have to go through this. Are we going through those, like, really tough shitty, you know, exhausted times and newborn land, which is like the most beautiful and exhausting and confusing time ever? Yes, we are. But beyond that is where you can introduce behavioral sleep interventions to head, sleep, and a better direction. I over time, because I've worked with tons of babies and tons of toddlers, I love working with the littles. I call them the littles because like the ones that are like under six months. And because of how we're coaching, I'm able to do that. Actually, I recently need to release a podcast episode about why you can coach under the age of six months. And what are the keys to be able to do that? So you can check that out if you do have a little one, but no suffering in silence. None of this

9:18bullshit that if you want to do sleep training, one, it's making you a bad parent, one, Kratos, not even sleep training. Anyways, and just really understanding what you're doing. Because as long as you're making a self-aligned decision and you're trusting in that process and you're making a choice for the better health, wellness, rest of yourself, your baby, and your family, there is no wrong. There's no wrong way to do that. But I think the education piece is really important. So that is my message for you. It's not actually sleep training. So if you're worried about that, just know like, oh, okay, if you what I'm doing is a behavioral sleep intervention. And within that bucket is where I'm just choosing something that feels aligned for me. And that I know is customized for my child because that helps parents also feel like, okay, is this right? I think that's like the number two thing is like one, I'm concerned about crying. So what are we going to do about that? How are we going to support my child? And two, is this right for my baby? Right for my baby. I do not take lightly that parents are allowing me. They're bringing me into this like support circle and trusting me with their child's sleep. So we're going to wrap up here.

10:19We're going to wrap up here with my strong feelings about crying out, not being sleep training. But also hoping that I'm leaving you in a more educated place about understanding that your child sleep is a puzzle. We want all the puzzle pieces to be there so that they can have a solid sleep foundation. And when they have that, they are well rested, which means they are happier. And if they are well rested and happier, that means you are well rested and happier. And that is a whole hell of a lot easier of a place to be momming from, to be experiencing motherhood from, then the place of like sacrificing everything that is your health and wellness and your motherhood experience. And I went through that shift. I went through that shift two times with my own kids. And motherhood has been a beautiful experience. My kid sleep. And that's not by chance. It's because I chose to do behavioral sleep interventions and really take control and ownership of like, okay, I'm going to learn about sleep. I didn't know shit about sleep. I'm going to learn about sleep and all of these different layers and pieces to their puzzle so that I can help them to become and stay good sleepers.

11:20So until the next episode, lots of love. Whether you're a tired mom struggling with your little one's sleep or an expecting mom looking for empowerment and advocacy as you prepare for birth, I'm here to show up for you with proven strategies and education to elevate your journey. You deserve to feel heard and given the tools to have success. Mama, you do not have to navigate your pregnancy or sleep struggles alone. Head over to empoweredwithand.com to discover how we can support you. Confidence, empowerment and peace are just a click away.