Comedian Dustin Nickerson

0:00Hey, this is strawberry, how y'all feeling out there today? I hope everybody is doing well because if you're not doing well, let's find a way to get well, look well and be well. Well, if y'all haven't laughed today or yesterday, you're willing to laugh tomorrow. We are going to sit here and try to laugh with Dustin Nickerson. A lot of people give dumb marriage advice and they tell you that it's important to love the same things together. And that's true, but really what's important is to hate the same things together. I think it's a more powerful bond, honestly. Just let your love grow through bitterness and spite. It's really, really helpful. Like me and my wife, one of our things that drive us crazy is when like young couples try and brag a little bit, they tell us the things that they do, you know, that just show how real love they are. We get this one all night. Every night we still fall asleep together, cuddling. That is such a young couple nonsense. You know why you cuddle early on in a relationship?

1:01Because you're still afraid they're going to leave. You're not cuddling, you're holding on. It's what you're doing. They would leave. This isn't romance, this is a hostage situation what it is. You know what the most happily married couple in bed looks like? Could you be further away? Further away. A married couple invented the California king because the king bed didn't suffice. Further away. Even you see it in the market, you know how they sell mattresses? They sell mattresses to real couples. Remember the temper-pedic mattress commercial? They had the girl jumping next to the glass of wine, and it didn't spill. What does that say? You can be jumping in the bed next to me. I just don't want to know you're here. You can be having an affair. That's fine. Just don't wake me up. You've taken enough of my daytime dreams. Could I have these ones? That'd be nice. We just, I get so annoyed by it. You know, we have one tell us recently. You know, we still share a blanket. We still share a blanket. You want to share a blanket? I got my own farts to deal with over here. I spent the last half an hour cocooning myself so they don't leak out to your side.

2:03Share a bank account. Is that enough for you? That's real. That's like a real relationship. You know, you hate the same things together. Why don't we recently got a baby shower invitation for our friend's fourth child? Fourth child. Fourth child, you're just being greedy at that point. What do you want me to get you? A book on family planning? Is it a pop-up book? No, it's a pull-out book. That's what it is. You can plan these things. Thank you. Hey, what up to you? How are you, buddy? You brought nuggets to the show. That's a bold move. I like that. See some good to hear, man, thigh up front. Nice. You're confident, man. You were tight-close. And you're big. You know.

3:04To hear, clothes look like the net on a ham. Yeah. What up, man? Why'd you change before my set? Why'd you... You brought me up. You put on your go-to-the-airport outfit. That's... That's nice. Thank you for having me, everybody. I was supposed to be on earlier in the show, but they have to wait till the sun goes down. So I don't get washed out on camera. So... I need a little contrast. You may not remember me about a half an hour ago. Jonathan, a legend. I didn't know I was on the show. I was the white guy in the crowd that he referred to. You know what I mean, white guy? We met 15 minutes before that.

4:12And I know you didn't confuse me with anyone else here. And then you gave me permission to say the end word, which you got to have context for that, you know. My last name is Nickerson. I've always had a delicate relationship with that word. You find me a more important K in history. From the one in Nickerson. You got to land that. You got to stick that like Simone Biles. You got to... Now... I'm just here. I'm just here on the months that Kevin doesn't want to pay for Gary Owen.

5:19I'm the budget Gary Owen. I get it. I get it. Oh! A lot of it is just I feel like your perspective changes as you get older. You don't have time for certain stuff. You don't believe certain nonsense. I understand I'm not old. I'm in my 30s. 30s is not old. However, it is the start of old. I got a little bit of young in me and a little bit of old. I'm in transition. All right. I still get excited about concerts. I also get excited about Cole's cash. I'm in transition. You understand me? And anything is dangerous now. That's part of it. Anything can hurt you. All right. I play basketball once a week. I texted a friend my age and I said, hey, are you going to be here this week? And he said, no. I threw up my back and I said, how? And he said, folding a sheet. And I'm 35. So I wasn't surprised. I was mad at him because we needed the numbers. Serena, come on. You're 35. You know you can't be doing that by yourself anymore.

6:20You free solowed a sheet. Are you insane? This is a doubles game for you now. But you're in this weird and thing where it's age purgatory. Nobody cares about you in your 30s. All people think you're young. Young people think you're old. Nobody cares. Like, I can't bring up my eggs and pains to a real old person. They're insulted. I'd be like, yesterday I exercised in my knees really here. My knees. A real old person was like, oh, really? Your knees hurt? Is that your original pair of knees? And I'm like, Touche. All right, you enjoy these last couple of years. I'm so sorry. That's one of the things that changes, though, man. Sleep. I get it. I'll always relate to somebody that's tired. I always relate. I feel that all the time. I could sleep at any time except when I want to go to bed. My body and brain cannot agree on bed. I'll fall asleep in moments like this, where, but if I want to go to bed, my body and brain cannot agree. I can be barely able to stand tired and bodies like, hey, brain, we should go to bed.

7:20The brain's like, totally. Let's do it. And then we hit the pillow and brain's like, hey, real quick. Here is every single thing in your life that you're worried about. Here it is right here. You're like, brain, you got to be kidding me. It's 1 a.m. We can't do anything about this, brain's like, I'm so sorry. That's my mistake. You know, instead, here's some bad memories. Here you go. Also a scene from the scariest movie you've ever seen. Also, you have to go pee again. Get up. You don't actually have to go pee. He just feels like you have to go pee. It's crazy, man. It's a trip. Like it's just none of it works like that. And then when you do sleep, you need that sleep. It's heavy. It's groggy coming out of it so hard. Your iPhone is the facial recognition. You ever wake up so ugly you can't open your iPhone? Your phone is like, that cannot be you. I am filled with the most sophisticated technology on the planet. I don't recognize whatever goblin got to hold me last night. If that is you, that's a big if.

8:22I can't be seen with you right now. You need to go down a cricket while. Listen, get a burner for the day. I can't. I can say, man, I've been married for, I got this. Today, we've been married for 16 years. I got married really young. I was 19 when I got married. Yeah. And I'm not even in the army. I know. When you get married, young people always assume, especially me. They assume one of two things, looking at me. Military or Mormon. Neither. I don't like big groups of secrets. I don't. If you don't like that joke, I don't care. That's for me. That's a wonderful joke. That's just for me. But when you get people like ask for advice, and they always like, nobody really wants real advice and marriage. They want you to say stuff, but here's the key to marriage. You need to look at the most annoying thing about a person. The thing that drives everybody else crazy. And if you can stand that thing, then that's your soulmate. That's how you know. Like, that's what you'd be on dating apps. It shouldn't be like, I like kayaking.

9:23It should be like, I grind my teeth at night. FYI. That sounds like brick on brick. You need to be able to stand there. And because you do, you're just raising kids together. You're going through stuff. And other than off school. Like, a lot of your parenting happens based on things that happen in school. The experiences that they have. My son recently at his school. Another kid snuck a joint to school. And my son alerted the authorities. Yeah, it was this crazy moment. When I realized I had a good kid, but not a cool one. I was like, I'm so proud to have you as a son. And I would never want you as a friend. You little snitch. Like, that's why you're getting bullied. Right there. That is. I can't even get mad at it. I'm going to join the team right now. But you're just going through. I like when like young people like they say stuff. Like, one of the things that like is a key to a marriage is getting together

10:23and just hating things together. It's important. Me and my wife, it drove us insane. Someone sent us an invitation recently for a baby shower for their fourth child. You're just being selfish at that point, right? Fourth child. What do you want me to get you a book on family planning? Is that what you want? Is it a pop-up book? No, it's a pull-out book. It's what it is. You can plan these things. All right. This is in your control. No, it's God's will. He wants you to stop. He does. I promise. I promise. It's an Old Testament. Old Testament. Anyways. Get to in the Bible right there. God wants to kill everybody. Right? So it's all different. But like the biggest thing on how my life has been affected is like, you know, like we're all doing parents right now. We're all doing like the Zoom School, the home school. I've never been this in the nitty-gritty with every assignment, every grade, every test. I have three kids. One of them's dumb. I'm not going to say which one, but the other two, no.

11:25They know. Like, there's little, I got clues before it too. Like I remember a while back, he came home from school and I was like, hey, how was your day? And he said I had an English test and I said, well, how did it go? I said, it went good. I was like, I bet it didn't. That is a bad omen. I know you don't know what omen means. But it's not good. Not good. And now I'm supposed to educate him. I can't. I cannot help them. I can't. My first grade girl. That's when you learn how to read. I was like, you just probably not learn this. I can't. And my son asked me what an integer was. I'm out. I got all sweaty. I told him it was the bluish purple color in the rainbow. I cannot help him in this. I think it's good, though, because I think it's good to be honest with your kids. It's a general rule. Honesty really helps kids. Like, I think we need to stop telling kids to believe in their dreams. I think you should try your dreams, but don't believe in them.

12:29Because not every dream is realistic for every person. My son wants to be in the NBA. No. Look at me. There are no me's in the NBA. No dad, my teacher said I can be anything I want. When I grow up, son, you're not going to grow up to be a tall black man. That's not going to happen. And if you do, I have so many follow-up questions. He called me out, though, because my son's a little jock, and he loves sports histories. Like, no dad, you can't think like that. Sometimes short, little white guys do make it to the NBA. Ever heard of a guy named John Stockton? John Stockton, Hall of Famer, and the all-time leader in assists. I said, yes, son assists. His best skill, passing to the black guys. That's... He wasn't good at basketball. He was good at hot potatoes. Is it what he was good at? I do miss... Probably the thing that I miss right now the most, though, is youth sports. I love going to my kids game. I give him a hard time, but he's a little jock.

13:29I love going to the only thing that I like watching more than my kid at the games are watching the kids that are there against their will. Ever watched a child be forced into youth sports parts? What a gift. What a gift from the Lord. There was a kid on my son's basketball. They named TJ. TJ does not sit on the bench. TJ lays on the bench. And whenever they call his number, it's a big dramatic scene. He flops out of the ground, rolls out the center cord, flips off his parents. I love TJ. I can't get enough of this kid. Every time he's in the game, I'm like, yeah! TJ! TJ! I have a foam finger. It's just the middle finger. I love TJ. It's because he's a wild card. I don't know what he's going to do. I've seen a million kids make or miss a basket. I have seen one kid bite a ref. That's theater right there. At the end of last season, it's the best moment. You guys have all seen the viral YouTube moment, where some kid who's not very good gets his first basket of the season. Everybody goes crazy. So TJ and everybody's going nuts. The other game stops.

14:29Everybody gets their phones out. Defense clears. TJ's big moment. Big dramatic scene. They thrown the ball. I allies on him. Big dramatic moment. Five, four, three. This psychopath does not shoot the basketball. I swear to God, he licks the basketball. And then he kicks it into the stands. I'm dying. This is the best moment of my life. I've never been happier than in this moment. All right. And then he turns and looks at the crowd like gladiator. Like, are you not entertained? Is this not why you're here? He has like this is why I'm here. TJ. All right. My kid's not even playing today. So you got to do it, man. You got to try. You got to do whatever you can. And people don't let other people affect your parents. Because other people have tons of opinions. And the biggest one is on discipline. How to raise a kid. You know, how to discipline them all that thing. And that'll always divide a crowd, right? Because some of you were spanks. The rest of you were entitled. That'll divvy up a crowd, all right?

15:30But if you're going to spank, there's a big pet peeve. I hate when people act like it's this high and righteous thing that they do. We discipline, but we never discipline an anger. What are you doing? Discipline an apathy? What are you talking about? We don't hit our kids when we're mad. Are you crazy? You don't hit your kid. That's why you hit your kids. Because you're mad, all right? And you know what? That's the right emotion to match the action. You want to ruin a child? Spank it with a smile on your face. Do that. Let's see how that freaks turns out, right there. But that's because we forget. All right, we forget the kids could be mean and mean in very vulnerable moments. I get really car sick. The last time that I get car sick in front of my kids, not only when they're not supporting, they were mocking me. My kids were doing impersonations of me puking as I was still actively puking. Just in the back of the car, I'm dead. Is he crying? What a freaking loser. I just went on instinct. I go, look at me. You look at me in the eyes.

16:30You need to know that if everyone in this family, your mom is the only one that I picked. I can feel that the room a little bit better. Hey, some of you offended and the rest you're like, I need to write that down. All right. You guys are fantastic. Thank you for having me, everybody.