Comedian (D l Hugley

0:00Hey, this is Strawberry. How y'all doing out there today? I hope everybody is doing well. If you're not doing well, let's find a way to get well and look well and be well. Right now, I'm going to see if we can listen to the comedian D.L. Hugh Lee. When everyone acts as if it's a new phenomenon, I would say that everybody in this audience at one point was a bully or you got bullied. That's the way that shit goes. But the difference is that our parents actually prepare the voice. They should make you sing that song. Sticks the stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me. They said he is entitled to say whatever he wants about you, but if that motherfucker ever put his hands on you. Right? You pick a stick up and knock the fuck out of him. And if you don't fight him, you fight your daddy when you get home, you understand?

1:04Now, children get bullied on Facebook and everybody acts as if it's a new phenomenon. They do it. Like, he's bullying me on Facebook. Well, cut your computer off. You see how you can't hear what he just said, you see? You know the difference between us and these kids, we were comfortable being on our own. We understood what that meant. You know what you learned? I learned a long time ago. If you ain't scared to take a ass woman, you ain't scared to get one out. That's the fucking thing. You got to be afraid. I don't care who you are. One day, you want the face to shit you afraid of the most. That's the way that goes, man. My mother told me bullies are cowards. Like the coward there, you stand for one, you punch one in the face, he will run away. This dude named Clifford used to fuck with me all the time. So the next day, I armed with this new knowledge. I punched that son of a bitch right in his face. And he beat the fuck out of me.

2:09Proving that my mama didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. I'll hope his lost children run. Every experience you have prepares you for another experience. Like everything that happens bad to you, you know the next time. It's an amazing thing. Bullies prepare you for a life that's going to be full with bullshit. Like you get up some days as people to live with you or work with you or go to school with you. That makes shit much more difficult than it got to be. But you can't fucking stop going. You got to go. You want to eat? You got to go. If you've never been verbally or physically or mostly abused, how will you ever be ready for marriage? I don't know, man. I don't know that you just do that.

3:09Like it's parts over in Iraq that are in the Bible. That's how old that civilization is. It's in the fucking Bible, man. And we got shit over here that's different. Like we are different people. Like I don't know a lot about them. People know they pray five times a day as a country. We don't pray a lot together here. Only time we pray is when something go wrong. Last time we all prayed together with September 11th and it had to be a long time since God heard from us. From America online too. What the hell in heaven down there? It's just a religious difference, man. We different Christians and Muslims all over again, man. I think about religion to me is that some people try to exploit that. It's a value that I believe in Jesus. I believe he died for my sins. But I don't believe that that means that somebody else can't believe something different. Like if you don't believe it, I believe you should die. I don't believe that. I don't. I just have a problem with that. I'm gonna tell you. I also have a problem with people telling me, well, Jesus wants 10% of your money. Well, Jesus, Jesus knows I live, he can come pick it up.

4:09And I hope he has my ID. Or he can at least walk across a pool or something like that. And it's some, Jesus only want 10% but the government want 33 and a third. That's it. That got the piss guy off a little bit. You know you have to go and who the hell is fight up? We have different beliefs, man. We're separated. We're nation like, I guess apparently 45% of the people are Democrats and 45% are Republican. We're different. Like we believe in different stuff. Like the abortion issue. I'm not gonna say whether I'm for against abortion. What I'm against is a bunch of men sitting around the White House deciding what women should do with their bodies. I'm just having fun. I mean, you doing what you want to do because you're gonna have to answer for that anyway. The issue is when does life begin? That conception of when it's an embryo. Anybody with children know that they life don't begin

5:09until they can pay their own fucking bills. Until that, you're just a motherfucker living off me. Matter of fact, I ain't even gonna give you a name to your 18. Hey, embryo, come in here and turn the TV. It's funny. Like we love people one minute. And then we tear them down. Like America couldn't love Tiger Woods more than they did five years ago. I found out the man like pussy everybody lost they got their mouth. An athlete who like pussy, hmm, that never happens. Tiger had sex with 15 women. They were all white. So Tiger don't need marriage counseling. He need diversity training, huh? He fucked up leaving that dumb ass answer machine message.

6:09This is Tiger. My wife got my phone changed her number. You don't leave nothing like that on the ass machine. You use some cold words, the whipper wheel flies high. The chicken's in the pot. Cook it, cook it. Last year, LeBron Jane was America's most hated athlete. They were mad at him. Can you believe LeBron left Cleveland? Motherfucker, you ever been to Cleveland? If you were for half a billion dollars, you can live anywhere in America you want to live. What the hell are you going to live? My amulet of Cleveland, that's shame in the heart. Everybody called Chris Brown the monster. I don't think God liked you a boy with you was at the time. A monster, not to your boys are very mature.

7:10They strike when they speak. It's the skill they learn when they get my shoulder. People say, well, you have two daughters. You never want them, a soldier. That's true, but I have a young son. A woman in this whole life to be just. Some shitty demon was 19. We could be more pragmatic than that. Like... When he gets older, he'll know what every grown person in here knows. That no man should ever physically assault a woman. We all understand that. But... Somewhere I'm going to learn when the shut the fuck up. That's all the fuck I'm saying. I have never seen a quiet woman get choked. That's all the fuck I know. I can't breathe. What did we learn from that? See how the quiet people breathe and see how that shit goes? It's not right now. I certainly don't condone it. But I've watched some women talk themselves into ass women. Mother fuck. My umbrella, umbrella, umbrella.

8:22Whatever you do here, never hurt a dog. Feel free to kill all the people you want. You heard the dog. You're going to write your jail. Dante Stahlworth played receiver for the Cleveland Browns. Kill the man drunk driving his actual sentence, 30 days in jail, he served 23, he's free now. Plexico Burris, his mother fucking shot himself. And they gave him two years. If you shoot yourself, haven't you suffered enough? Pile, someone's been shot. And it's me. Who shot you, me? You go to jail when you don't only witness to your shooting. Who shot you, I have no idea. I'm pretty sure it was a pack of niggas. They always doing something. We see the security cameras and it shows us that you shot you. Well, then I forgive myself. I've gotten a chance to know me recently. I've decided not to press charges. And to move on.

9:23Plus, I didn't get a real good look at me. I'm not sure I could pick me out of a lineup. My folk, y'all love animals too, y'all. But y'all forever getting mulled to death by him, nothing. Like black people never get killed by animals. We get killed by dry bodies and the police. The way nature intended. And black men die at the hands of the police. There's some dubious circumstance. They'll be, p-p-pile, freeze. The suspect grabbed my gun and shot herself in the back 53 times. That sounds reasonable. Last year in Luthor, 11 coal miners were trapped in a coal miner. Unfortunately, unlike what happened to Chile, we're unable to rescue him. But a month and a half later, I'll shoot you not 3,500 black gold miners were trapped in a gold miner, Johannesburg, South Africa. And the very next day, without any international aid, every single one of them motherfuckers got out. Because black people ain't waiting for the rescue team.

10:24Fuck y'all. Should we wait? This is Africa. They will never come. Dig and move to, dig. Black people was popping up in China. Oh, thank God. Someone call Angelina Jolie. I need to be adopted. This is bullshit. Last year in San Francisco, a tiger broke out to do attack three motherfuckers. None of them was black. I'm sure black people was at the zoo that day. But we trust our instincts. Motherfuckin' that's a tiger. Let's go. I'll recognize him from the box of frosted flakes. Let's go. Not white people. Ooh, a tiger. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

11:26Hold that tiger. My wife has MD nested and now my kid is a girl. She's like, I don't know what I'm supposed to be. How about naked? A lot more. How about that shit? How about you try that? See, I got married in 21. So everything she rejoiced about. I was wondering how the fuck I was going to pay for it. Like, who they walking? I'm like, netting on one's shoes. All their teeth, and I'm going to have to buy the big pack of chicken. I got a niece. She got a real bad drug habit. So the state of California took her here. My wife got all involved. We have to get the children there, our family. So then they have to come out and evaluate my home. You have a pool. You're going to need to get a fence around the pool. And you're going to need a certain amount of food in the cupboard at all times. You're going to need a carbon monoxide mine. I'm like, what the fuck is a carbon monoxide mine? Well, that'll protect you from invisible fumes.

12:26I'm like, these motherfuckers just came from a crack house. So we didn't get the kids. Ha! I got a nephew, man. And now he just said he recently came out, told everybody he was gay. And I've always been very close to him. I loved him all the time. He would talk about everything. I was his best uncle. He was just a great kid. So when he came out, he told his mother and father, told his brother, sister, told my wife, and my kids told everybody but me. And I was offended. I'm like, why would you tell everybody but me? I thought we were close. He said we are. But I've heard some of the things you say on stage. And I thought you would stop loving me. And that really was fucked up. Because I'm like, man, if I've ever said anything that would lead you believe, I would stop loving you based on who you fell in love with. And I owe you a sincere apology. And I want you to know two things. And I mean these. One is I hope you're happy. And I hope you're safe. And two is who I'm glad you're in my son.

13:28God, man. The death penalty, man. It's funny. Because it's funny. Because conservatives are like, they're very pro-life, which means they're against abortion, but they're for the war and for the death penalty. Which I don't get. Which cancels each other out. Like, we want the baby to grow up. And that way, we can kill them. I don't know, man. I'm not the... The death penalty I believe in. But I don't believe in the further reasons people do. Like, I don't think it deters crime. I don't think one criminal go, oh, man, they might give me the death penalty if I do that. The death penalty is about vengeance. That's all it is. You did something to somebody and we getting your ass back. That's all the fuck it is. I mean, they don't deter nobody, but the one motherfucker will get the death penalty. He'll never do it again. I bet you that. He won't be doing that shit again. You know, in some countries, they cut the hand off. You steal something. They cut the hand off. You stole it with. Which means you ain't got but one time to get some good shit.

14:29I'm amazed at the hypocrisy, I see. Like, we're against Janet Jackson showing her ditty. But every... You can turn on NYPD Blue or fucking the shield or any guy's video and everybody fucking naked. It's like 50-something violent acts per night on television. 50-something violent. I would rather have my children see a titty than violence. I mean, a titty is liable. The first thing they see anyway, goddamn it. I'd be glad my son wanted to see it. Did you see it, son? You know, Janet Jackson gave some people a reason to go on. You know, some motherfuckers having a bad day. Oh, that's Janet Jackson, titty. I think I can go on another day, man. I don't get it, man. I don't get it. Like, I go, I was over in Amsterdam. You know, they're just legal to smoke weed over there.

15:29And they have a lower addiction rate and a lower crime rate. Like, I'm not advocating weed but let's be real. People do it, man. People, that's what the fuck I'm... I don't understand, you know, I was over in Amsterdam and I fucked around. You know, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't smoke weed. But I think it's a national custom, you know. In Hawaii, they put a little thing of flowers around your neck. And in Holland, they give you a fat one, brother. At least they did, to me. I don't know what that did happen to you all. I fucked around and smoked some hats. I never do that shit again. I was high for eight hours. I can't think of shit that's fun to do for eight hours. That didn't hide. That's like a job. I'm looking around. When are we going on break? Shit, I need a fuck. You know you hide when you start crying. I don't want to be crying. Please Jesus, I want to come down. I hate that. I was driving down the street and the street went up into the sky. I'll never do this shit again.

16:29So the next day when I was doing that shit again, I put me a seat belt on. Why do we drug test everybody anyway? I never understood why we try to legislate morality. That's the fucking deal. You can believe what you believe. But if I don't believe it, that's my thing. I can drink all the shit I want. But I can't smoke a joint. Why are we drug testing? Drug test bus drivers, airplane pilots, doctors. People with lives in their hands. What the fuck are we drug testing a janitor for? I mean, what's the worst thing you're going to do? Drop the mop out and drop the goddamn mop. Now we won't pick it up. Yeah. That's how you cope, man. That's how you cope with shit. Matter of fact, the more fucked up the job, you got the harder the drug. They should let you do goddamn it. Help you cope with your life. If you work in a grown man, working at McDonald's drive through, that should let you tie off somewhere. Hold on to it.

17:33You gon' get your happy, man. You little fucker. Shit. The alcohol is the worst shit going. And I know because I'm an alcoholic. I don't go to the meeting because I ain't anonymous. Fuck that shit. You ain't been so fucked up yet. Stop sign, wait for the turn green. I'm about to run. That's my fucker. Everybody's got to go with me. Shit. Now I see all kind of shit I understand. Now fat people in New York want to sue McDonald's because they say McDonald's made them fat. Like it ain't got shit to do with them supersides. Never got damn thing. Well, you can die. You can sue the tobacco company because you can die of secondhand smoke. Who the fuck you ever heard of, secondhand snack. You can't die of that shit. Shit.

18:33You ever know how sleepy women are all the time? I'm so sleepy. I think my arm is low. Oh, my arm is so goddamn low. My arm is low, but I can't take the pills because they made me cause to pain it. A woman will actually sleep all weekend. What you gonna do this weekend? I had to get up early on Tuesday. So Saturday I'm just gonna catch up on my sleep. Oh, my arm is so goddamn low. Oh, my arm is low. It's low. Fucking iron ain't low. It's not true. You know that married men on average live seven years longer than a single man? Just having a woman in your life who loves you gives you seven years more life. Of course, they miserable fucking years.

19:34They're like, oh, I could have been dead seven years ago. I know James died early, but he looks so peaceful, didn't he? He's like, he was ready to go. They keep us alive by forcing us to go to the doctor and men by nature are very fucking horrified at the doctor. Like men rather than go to the doctor, we'll ask another man if they had the same symptoms we had. Like, hey, man, is your heart ever just stopped? Oh, you was alright? Well, fucking, I'd be alright this, you know what? Also, I go to the doctor. Women make us go to the doctor. We never go volunteer. We don't, man. Only time a man go to the doctor voluntarily, if I dick don't work, we go right away then. Check that shit out. Oh, shit. I can't sleep this shit off. Maybe my arms low. Hey, baby, what do you feel like when your arms low?

20:36Are you sleepy coming out with me, man? My arms low, James, I know. We can't take the pills, they make us constantly. That's not fucking true. I got to go. Put your hands together, y'all, give a nice big warm, Sam from Cisco, welcome to Mr. DL. I love this city. I love Northern California, but, all I'm fucking bridges, I can't take that shit out. It's $5 to go across a goddamn bridge. Black people better learn to swim. Fuck that shit, we ain't got that kind of fucking money. $5 shit. Give me a skull cap. I'm gonna try to make it a crown.

21:38It's cold and the motherfucker too. When white folk y'all never get cold, I ain't liking it. It's brisk. It wakes you up. Cold, fucks black people up. You ever smile on the cold split you'll live right down the middle yard? God damn it, I'm smiling down these stitches. Ain't just a bitch. It could be too cold for us to go to work sometime, can't it? Get up in the morning, test that one dog. Fuck that shit, yeah. That's see me in this brain, this is bullshit. I can't make it. That's an unemployment rate, 8.5%. Remember you used to talk shit at your job because you just knew you could get another one, remember that? Wasn't in the good old days. You'd be in the break room, you didn't care. Who ordered to fuck this job? I didn't get another job. They can kiss my ass. Not no more, huh, you? Suddenly, your tolerance for bullshit is a lot higher than I am.

22:41Ooh, the manager called you a nigga. What did he put laid off in front of it? Because I have found that a laid off nigga is much worse than a regular nigga. The economy's so bad, people can't even afford to break up. It's women sitting right next to me, and that can't fucking stand. Ooh, if he didn't have medical benefits, I swear to God. Soon as I get these braces off my teeth, I am. Well, I'm leaving this son of a bitch, y'all, I can't do it. In the economy, never really affects women like it does, men, because men spend a lot of money on women, women take full advantage of it. Listen, I'll go to dinner with you, but I don't want you to try anything. We'll just eat and we'll talk, and then we'll see what happens. Then they go to dinner.

23:41I think I'll have the steak and the lobster. They grow, that comes with dick. You understand, all right? If you ain't going to fuck me, I'ma suggest the jalapeno peppers, all the fuck out of me. It ain't no point kidnaps and black people, because you ain't getting no fucking money. You would just be practicing. We have your son here. We'll not come home unless we get $3 million. I'll put him on the phone. Look at son, you know I don't get paid to the $15 million. See if they got a layaway plan. Can I put you on layaway? Let me put your mom on the phone. I'm sure she want to say bye. Now, Earlene, hurry up. There's a long distance call. Now it's your boy calling from Pakistan. Hurry up.

24:41I go all over the country, man, and I see some shit, man. But it's all going to get better now, because Earl's sharpening a runner for president. Come on now. Fuck, you're going to be president with a perms. Why are people in the eye? Well, don't even know what that is. What does he have on his, what is that? What does that James Brown or something like that? You got to have a hairstyle. You know, I know my hair is fucked up, but I ain't running from nothing. I can't even run for president with a perms. It's just don't go with the job. You know, everybody waiting for you to give a press conference. You in the back waiting for your hair to sit. Come on now. You got to dress for the job. I mean, that's all I'm saying. Like, Martin Luther King looked like a civil rights leader. Martin Luther King was ambitious. He marched from Selma, Alabama to Washington, DC. I don't think I alcohol go that far. Look, y'all, we ain't free by the corn. I'm going to need to turn around.

25:41Fuck around and sweat my perms out. You must be out there, man. Yeah, I know Martin bent to the mountain. Well, I bent to the mountain, too. And they don't sell no owes or she ain't. Come on, turn around. Shit. The world is so much different, man. Nothing's like it was. Remember when the captain used to go down with the ship? Not no more, huh? If you're an American CEO or an Italian cruise ship captain, you save yourself. Fuck that. That captain got off the ship. I fell into the lifeboat. And then it made it to my house. And I had dinner and I fell asleep. One of the passengers, he was married. And he gave his life vest so his wife could live. And women were, oh, that is so romantic. That's loving and wonderful.

26:42And my wife was like, I'm sure she loved him just as much. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. How come they didn't flip a coin for it then? I'm, they could at least play rock, paper, scissors. Somebody, I'm not. Of course, I love my wife. And I would die for her. I just wouldn't do it happily. I would talk a little shit. If I'm a drown, you're going to hear from me, goddamnit. Let me talk to the kids. You know, your daddy got to die because your mom wouldn't take swimming lessons. She didn't want to fuck up her hair. So, well, I guess I'm out of here. I would be mean, too. I'm not just going to die. I'm going to give you something to think about shit. I'd be saying all kind of me shit. Boom, I should have fucked your sister. Oh, oh. Things we used to be able to count on, we can't count them. But when we were growing up, they said, if you want to be a positive member of society, you go to church, you play sports, and you go to school.

27:44Now, between Penn State's Syracuse and Catholic priest, I'm going to take my chances on the streets, with the dope dealers and the hoes. Because when a dope dealer tried to fuck me, it's just out some money. Remember, there was a 30-year-old dude in the Syracuse. He was a ballboy, and said he was molested from the time. He was 13 till 28. I ain't no fucking mad, but Tisha. Someone is at the front door. All right. Can't even tell jokes, no more. My man Tracey Morgan told the joke about gay people, almost calls him his job. That's fucking ridiculous. And that's amazing, because gay people can take a dick, but the joke is out of the question, huh? Just...

28:47That hurt, and that didn't? You're going to have to get your priorities together. I don't know, this war got me messed up, man. Now we got this controversy over Intelligent Bush Intelligence. Like, that's funny thing to say to me in a sentence in the goddamn way. Bush and Intelligent is in the same fucking sentence. That's like an oxymoron, ain't it? Shumbo shrimp. I don't like this motherfucker. You know why? Because the dumbest dude I've ever seen in my whole fucking life. I can't go for a dude I can whip in a spell and beat. That's all the fuck I'm saying. He blow up everything he can't spell, though. I ain't spilled back that boom. That's how you spell it. Now you don't have to spell it. They ain't here no goddammit, that's it. All right, that's the war whether they have weapons of mass destruction. Now every fucking body's saying that,

29:47it's got cake. They don't have weapons. The UN, they don't have weapons. Nobody think they have weapons. They think they don't have, I know they don't have no weapons, because nobody used shit. It's three dudes with sandals and a rock. That's all the fucking... The motherfuckers fighting to take with a rock. You ever see that? Motherfucker! Where the fuck are we? And then we bomb the builders. Drop bombs on builders, making more rocks. What are you doing? I'm giving the sons of bitches ammunition. This shit could have been over. I wonder what the fuck we bombing in Baghdad, because Baghdad is the raggedest city in the fucking world. The bonds we drop cause more than a shit is hitting, ain't that a bitch? A million dollar bond to blow up a $3.10. Fuck you, shit. You could take over Baghdad with a stick. Can't just my shit happen. Baghdad is so fucked up. They don't even know they're getting bombed. We were bombed last night. How do you know? That rock was over there, yesterday, wasn't it? You out of here? You out of here?

30:49We never find the motherfucker we go after. Like, we ain't found bin Laden. We found Saddam who never had any connection to Nine Land. But we found him. We never found bin Laden. But every time I see the son of a bitch, he don't see an end, ain't there something? Why don't we follow CNN around and see what they know that we don't fucking know? The law got more videos out than Tupac. Don't have any. Motherfuckers always on TV. Who is his agent? That's all. They're cowards. Now, they motherfuckers, you can call them a lot of things. You can't call them cowards. Their motherfuckers will put their belief ahead of their life. They crazy in the motherfuckers. They ain't no cowards. They would die for what the fuck they believe in. Here we believe. But not that goddamn much. If you're going to a church where they tell you you got the key, you said, you're going to the wrong motherfuckers. I'ma go down here to Mount Calgary, see what they got going on. The Pope believe he's the only man in the world. The Pope believe when he die, he gon' sit at the foot of God. But every time do you see the Pope in public, he got that bulletproof glass wrapped around him. Which let me know he don't believe on this shit he talkin'.

31:50That's not my thing. Praise the Lord and raise the glass up over there. Watch him. I don't know about y'all, but the Pope looks exhausted, man. Let him take a nap or some shit. He don't think this is the whole blessing just y'all going. I got to lay down. This is letting take that heavy ass hat off his head. God damn it. Ain't they got a Pope beanie or some shit like that? He can win. The end of the world cannot come fast enough for ex-calfointing governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is my, this dude fucked his maid. And that bitch looked like a maid, too, didn't she? I'm not talkin' about a sexy Halloween, man. We all like them. She looked like she just left the Ramada, huh? Like, swallow them into it. And I wasn't mad at Arnold because he had a baby outside of his relationship.

32:58Those judgments are between you and your wife. I don't really have a judgment of that. You were just a fucking shitty governor. Outside of babies were a factor of life where I grew up, man. My daddy had outside baby. You never found out about to the funeral, huh? Kids be all curious. Who is that over there looking like daddy? Shut up and get in the goddamn car. Then the kids started arguing and the parking lot. We his real kid. He didn't even know your mama. I actually heard a political pun to say that Arnold Schwarzenegger ruined the Kennedy name. Really? The Kennedy name? Like, the Kennedy is a legend there where I come from, man. I'm telling you, we had Jesus, JFK, and Martin Luther King. That didn't mean they were without bullshit.

33:58They did some bullshit. The father sold bootleg liquor when it was illegal. They stole the election, teared over a hoe off the bridge and left for the land. There was a hoe in the car. How did the hoe get in the car? I had no idea a hoe was in the car. His wife Maria, like that was like, what woman is that oblivious? I had no idea that my husband and father, the child, with our maid, really no fucking idea. The baby, six months old, had muscles and could cut grand. That's the strongest baby I've ever seen in my fucking life. I've never seen a baby handle a leaf blow with one hand. Who was that fucking baby? I used to watch Perry Mason, man, and it was fun. I like those court shows because it always be somebody on the stand and he'd be getting grilled and some dude in the back of the fucking audience didn't have shit to do with

35:00the child. I did it. It was me. He was trying to ruin me. Don't you see? I noticed in all those movies, nobody blanked, ever jumped up and told on their cell. Because we don't never tell on our fucking cell, I don't give a fuck what kind of evidence you got. You could have DNA, you could have AAA, we ain't telling on our cell. Did you see me? Oh, well, I ain't do it, then. Some fucked up shit happened to us though. Black folk had been the fuck up here for us, too. The sniper fucked us up, didn't it? We just knew we didn't have shit to do with that, didn't we? We was at home talking shit to the TV. Some crazy way, boy. It was us. Goddamn. Now I gotta answer, but this motherfucker had no J-Shit. I'd never get my credit together now. White people was fucking when us that worked, you know.

36:04Best part about that was that a black man called his ass Charles Moot the Chief of Police said I couldn't understand a goddamn thing, this motherfucker said it. When you a spokesperson, ain't you supposed to know how to spoke, that's all the fuck I'm saying. Every time he opened his mouth, I wondered by a vile like a motherfucker. It's not because you call us that foe foe foe foe. What the fuck did he say? Two more weeks of this shit, I'ma shoot some goddamn body, I'm sick of this. It's funny to me, man. I have two daughters of a son and like daughters, they're all grown at 20 and 24. And the thing about daughters is their whole perspective of man is based on the way they interacted with their father. Either he was, either he was the first love of their life of the man who disappointed him, they're always kind of looking for some kind of reaffirmed from some fucking no good ass dudes.

37:08So I know I gotta listen to him and it's hard to listen to a woman because I have been trained to only listen to a woman, it's something for me. Usually when I hear what you say, it's like a blowjob or food. And I was your daughter, she just got to hear them and they talk a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. And hey, you know what? I bet I will, baby, I know. Yeah, the fucking joys of my life, I love them, I go to dinner with them all the time, one time I took them both to dinner and I like orches on the half shell. So I offer my youngest daughter something. She went, I don't like the way they feel going down my throat. And I was so proud. So. So. And then my oldest daughter went, I love them. What a hoe you are, he's such a hoe.

38:16It's funny man to go through stuff like when my son was three years old, he was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, which is autism. Now, I knew from a very earlier, someone's wrong with my son and I suspect my wife did too. But you know, women will not accept it. Like, I don't care what you say. Like, we have to go to five different experts. I don't get what those people say. I know my child and he is fine. I'm like, this motherfucker ain't fine. He gonna need a helmet or something. I'm sleeping with the doughlock, fuck you, this one. I'm gonna put your helmet on, son. Daddy gonna take it against my ice cream. Cause. Retarded kids love ice cream. It's fucking true. She start crying. We have to send him away to a special school. I'm like, baby, we're not gonna send him to a special school. He's gonna go to school with everybody else. People will tease him, but we'll love him through it. And then put your helmet on, son. Cause you love ice cream. We need to throw up my wife and say, we're gonna tell him what's wrong with him. Information is power. This is the time you have Asperger syndrome and you learn different things that will be confusing.

39:16He looked at me and go, daddy, what is she saying? He ain't saying you're tartar son. That's the fuck she's saying. Go get your helmet. Daddy gonna take it against my ice cream. First year college, my son got a 3.6 grade average, made the Dean's list. I'm proud to say June 26th of last year he graduated from a university with honors. Now that was an amazing thing. My wife was shocked. I wasn't a call to my room. I said, son, how'd you do it? He said, daddy, you believed in me. So I believed in me. I was so touched. I called my regular kids in. I said. You let a retarded boy get better grades than you. Now put your helmet on, son. That again.

40:16He's the most wonderful human being I've ever met. It's an honor to be his father. Like, for all the men I know, out of all the men I know. Young, old, rich poor, I never met a man. I respect him with my son. I really don't. It's an amazing thing. But he's the worst fucking liar I've ever seen. Hey, go tell him I'm not home. My dad told me to tell you that he's not home. Are you fucking retarded? Yes. Should I get my helmet? Whether it be ice cream now. Now I was on the road. I go on the road. He'd always start crying. Daddy, why are you leaving me like so much? I'm like, son, this is what I do for a living. If I stay here, you won't eat. He said, if I eat less, will you stay home more? I said, you are retarded, huh?

41:17You guys have been great. Thank y'all very much, I appreciate it. You know what I noticed that like a lot of conflicts, like even this Iraq war, which I always against, and I don't want nobody to think I don't support the troops because I do, because they are doing their job. They don't get to decide what to do. They go on with the fuck you telling them to go on. But war just conceptually is fucked up for me because old men start wars and young men dying. That's the fucking deal. And I think if you old, and you can vote for a war, you should have to go. That's the fucking deal. Motherfucker, your old ass doesn't live long enough. Go out there and catch a bullet, shit. People are always patriotic. One another, motherfuckers going to die for them. That's the deal. People tell me how brave they're brain for voting for their son's daughters over there. Ain't nobody named Bush or Cheney or Powell? Clayton, nobody like that over there. It's low-pages and Washington just smips over there.

42:17Fucking die. I don't get it, man. I bet you wars would not start if the motherfucker that started them had to go. It'd be some negotiate, didn't it? What? Hey, George Saddam said he's gonna meet you on the battlefield if they go, ooh, I can't go. Ain't Dick Utilized President, you go, man. I got to take an EKG tomorrow. You must be... You must be our chill fucking mind, huh? I don't know how I pass the physical to get this goddamn job. Fuck you. I was against the one I racked, but I was also against paying $2,050 in the gallon for gas. So I guess somebody had to get blew up. That's all the fuck I'm saying. If you got the blow, I'm up so I can fill it up. I guess I... I got my principles, but... $2,050 in the gallon. Goddamn, kill him, kill him, kill him, kill him. We got mad because people didn't agree with us. That's the fucking deal. And the whole... The whole thing about patriotism is sometimes you don't agree.

43:18You know, I think Mark Twain said that you give loyalty to your country always, but to your government when it deserves it. Nobody has the right to send other people off the war without telling us why. We believe something wrong. One mother fucker I believe in and two fairs. What the fuck are Belize's got to do with these shit? Look at all the sisters. What online side is that? Debbie and Debbie and Debbie catch your mother fucker. How did that happen? So you don't work, huh? You educate. I guess you are. You must write a hell of a ad. You better not go on the internet again. Nancy jealous. Why are you going online?

44:18You got everything you need right here? That's pretty good. So what did you do? You're in human resources. Let me ask you something. So you worked a lot, right? Did you tape the ad? Did you email the ad and work? This is some bullshit. I need a mother fucker with some benefits. Seeking Catholic, you know what I mean? With benefits. Now what was your name on the online? Sweetie for 20. Sweetie for 20. 76. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. Hike. So man, you are handsome young cat. You got a gig. So you a serial killer or something?

45:21Because you know, I just don't envision to do, like you online. No, you just say you too busy. I don't want to go dating. I'm looking for a nice woman. Or I can take care of. Then you'll miss a winner. You got mail. Sweetie, 64. Dance 3. Hike. Yeah, yo. So we're going to get married at a chat room. I do sing.

46:26That is amazing. How are you up and together? 13 months, 13 months? Well, we could just look when you're long known. Well, I hope it worked out. I'm sure it will. Because you look like you're a love. That's good. Now, when you saw, like, like a scene in Santa Penta, so you were, you were, you were, you were, you said, before we go any further, send a resume and a picture. Well, you are both dead. I'm glad I hope it worked out for you when you get married. About a year and a half, you want to be more specific? Or do I have to look on your website? Sweetie Dance 4.6102 is Marion Dale. What's your name? Mark. I mean, I'll know. You would never give no dates to name Mark on the internet.

47:27You got to have some shit with you yet. Sweetie Dance 6.4.2. Mark. Oh, I'm sorry. .com. What's the name on the internet? Tang. Shit. No way. That sounded like a black stripper, don't it? Tang as it is. Poo Tang, that's my name. Y'all was made to be together. Tang and Sweetie, sitting in the tree. High larry as man. I hope it works out for you. So how long after y'all met, did you go, I ain't working them all?

48:28The minute you go. It's gotta be a weird conversation. Look honey, we're in love. I'm Sweetie and your Tang. You feel me and I feel you. Yeah, Sweetie, you want to ring? No, I want to know when I can stop working. Love is me staying home. So how long will y'all together before you went? Fuck, is I ain't got to work no more? Oh, he put that ring on your finger anyway. Well, I quit. Did you hit the ladder? No, I hit the tank. You guys have been great. Thank you very much. I'll show you all the ways out there. Thank you. Keep it going for Mr. Dean.

49:29Yeah. You did it. I was watching Dr. Carrette Murray's trial. Michael Jackson's Dr. Man. This dude, that's the starest doctor I've ever seen. He don't know 9-1-1 or CPR. Even Dr. Dre no 9-1-1, don't you? Who let me take my beats off? Michael might be in trouble. I was shocked that he went to jail because I lost faith in the justice system after Casey Anthony didn't go to jail. Man, that was ridiculous. Everybody was shocked. Even OJ went what? It's been skilled two people ain't got to wait. That was me. I'm sorry.

50:31Michael didn't go to jail. That's good because the penitentiary in California is segregated. Blacks go with blacks, whites with whites, makes you a Mexican. They would know what the fuck to put Michael Jackson like. Why is Michael Jackson standing in the hallway? We don't know where the fuck he goes. Everybody called his father Joe Jackson, a horrible father. Joe Jackson raised nine kids in Gary, Indiana, worked two jobs. So his wife was staying with those kids. None of his kids went to jail. Nobody got pregnant. Nobody's on drugs. Everybody graduated from high school. He drove them to super startle. We could use more Joe Jackson. Not less. I don't know where y'all got that from. Michael Jackson said a lot of dumb shit. I never had a childhood. Well, motherfucker, I did. And that shit is overrated. Fuck you.

51:31What's so great about sleeping in the bed with your brother eating hot dogs every day? I would have moved one out of that shit. I was afraid of my father. Motherfucker, everybody afraid of this father. If you know him. My father never said he loved me. Well, men back then didn't talk like that. Like, men of that generation didn't talk a lot. They didn't. You could be in the house with your father all day. Not one word would get exchanged, man. But they were fucking men. They put food on your table and clothes on your back. Which was the clear demonstration of the law they felt for you. I remember I was seven. I said, Daddy, you love me. He said, motherfucker, you ate, didn't you? That'd be a fucked up hallmark, aren't I, you look?

52:37Michael Jackson would be alive today if he listened to the guidance and advice of his father. It really, really worked. It's a lot of shit that society will accept from you that your father never would. Can you imagine explaining something that shit Michael Jackson did to your father? I'll come in the bed with all of God damn kids. I'm Peter Pan. I don't read no fucking Peter Pan. Get them kids the fuck out of the bed. And fix your nose, just get in your mom. You know why women went on to arguments? Because y'all have the shit we need. Women look better naked than we do. That's the fucking deal. You ever notice? You ever have a argument? What's your woman or your wife and you ain't talked in a while? And you determined not to say nothing first? Because you wasn't fucking wrong and a couple of days go by. And then she get out the shower naked and your whole fucking plan goes to window. Now all of a sudden you got to compromise.

53:37Girl, I know I said some shit that I didn't need. And you said some shit too. So come on, tight me up. Don't be like that. Because women love... And you know what else women love? Women love money. Women fucking love money. Women love money more than men. The only reason men make money is because we know y'all love it and we gonna give it to y'all any fucking way. Women hate broke motherfuckers. You ever see a woman see somebody broke and just get mad just cause somebody broke just... Look at this broke son of a bitch. Why did you even come outside? Stay in the house and reflect on how you can get some goddamn money and broke son of a bitch. Women love money and men love pussy and that's the fucking deal. You can think we put up with all your bullshit cause you're sparkly ass personalities but you'd be wrong. You got the shit we need and we ain't above paying for it goddamn that's the fucking deal.

54:41And if you ever pussy is no excuse on guys green earth for you to be broke a pussy was put on earth for you to make money. You believe online you know I ain't lying to pussy shaped like a wallet you know couldn't got that way. You are sitting on a gold mine. You coming on the road with me fuck that shit we gonna do some shit. I don't understand it. You ever notice that the best sex you ever had is before you get married. Before you get married women go all the fuck out do all the freaking shit after you get married. You know after they get married something happens to them like it's like you know everybody in here that want to wanted them job interviews and you want the job so you lie to get the fucking job you. Will you work on Saturdays? Yeah. What about a pay cut I don't need all that money no way. Then you get the fucking job and you don't do none of this shit there as you do.

55:43Women are like that they get that ring on their finger get dick amnesia. What is this? To get ahead from your wife you got to pull a gun on the motherfucker now. Now they only do it on special occasions. Where is your birthday? I guess I'm out of the suck you're dick and I shit. Shit I hate with this time of year rolling around. Let me see your birth certificate. Shit. They act like they don't know how to do it no more. I'm choking. Cause you ain't supposed to talk with your mouth full girl. My wife started wearing braces a little while ago man and she finally got them off and when she had braces on her head without a question.

56:44I used to have a nickname for a caller to shredder cause that shit. You want some head now? No girl I just jam my dick up in the zipper that's the guy. That'd be more fun for me that's all. It's funny because women change when they have kids when they have kids they just can't envision that their children might see them as sexual beings. Which is kind of funny. Like my son, you know how little boys hurt themselves or little kids hurt themselves. And they go, kiss it, kiss it. Everything is kiss it. One day his little thing was her and he's like, Mommy kiss it. And I'm gonna see like, what am I supposed to say? Tell him no like you do me shit. So it ain't gonna happen that's all. Follow me, hurt your knee, you got a better shot. That ain't gonna happen. It's fucked up for men.

57:44Cause sexually the same shit we had to do to get you, it's the same shit we got to do to keep you. And women take forever to come. I'm almost there. Hurry up, my jaw's hurt. God damn it. Come on shit, the soprano's getting ready. Come on hurry up. I don't need so much of this shit. I got a wig in my stomach. Stop playing. I don't give a fuck of you laughing. That's funny to me. I don't know. I don't like that. I think when a man loved a woman after a while, he don't even see her with his eyes. He sees her with his soul. And like, if you look to me, I say I wonder how a woman could be beautiful. Like if she was pregnant, I thought, I was a kid. I didn't get how that could happen. But then when my wife had my children, I said, oh that's how she could be beautiful. Women start worrying. I'm older now and I'm bigger. I don't even see you like that. To me, you're just beautiful. I mean, but that ain't really no excuse to run into a crispy cream. Act like the hot sign is on all the fucking time.

58:48I got my limits now. If I gave you 300 pounds, would you still love me? Yeah, you got it from a distance. I'm just sitting here. Yes. Let me stop. Let me stop. People, I guess funny, the arguments that you have, like women, like, are you men and women both argue about money? And people have the dumbest things when they talk about money. Money is the root of all evil, which is bullshit because it's lack of money. That's the root of all evil. When are you the most evil? When you broke? Call somebody broke right now. What are you doing trying to figure out how to keep my goddamn phone on? What do you want? I've been married for 26 years. Let me tell you something. Don't clap. Because I'm the same thing as shit you ain't going to like later on, then you're going to feel bad. You can tell when a man been married for a long time, he'd get on for work. Don't even get out the car right away, dude.

59:50He got to fit it in his driveway. Get ready for the bullshit. Get ready for the dumbest. Key is running house. Daddy just sitting in the car. Because women, you're out of woman to have a dream about some shit you did. And then she's mad all day about the fucking dream. Like you wake up, she looking dead in your face just the mother fucker out wanted to see. Who the fuck is Sheila? Baby, who the fuck is Sheila? I'm going back to sleep, find out the bitch's address. You know, her heart wouldn't know to get along with. The God in all his infinite wisdom never got married.

1:00:50God said, look, I'm making for y'all, but never one of them would never live up here. He said, Jesus, don't you tell your mama where I live, you understand? God was a single parent. He had custody. He didn't want to pay child support, that's how that shit goes. Woman asked some silly question, if I gained 350 pounds, would you still love me? No. If I can't live you, I can't love you. That's where the shit goes. If we play wrestling and I got to tap out this shit's old.