Broken

0:00If you are in a moment where something has broken open in your life physically, emotionally, spiritually, maybe it isn't just disruption, maybe it's a redirection, maybe it's initiation, maybe it's life asking you to receive more than you ever have before. And if that's true, then this isn't just a story about a broken arm. It's a story about being held and learning how to let yourself be held. Welcome to the authentic creative where we expand our capacity to feel good, one deep breath, one bold choice, and maybe a little bit of magic at a time. I'm Siri Baruch Thornton, healer, creative, and lifelong explorer of all things, energy, self-expression, and joy. With over 26 years of experience in Rakyakashik records and transformational breathwork, I've learned that feeling good is not a luxury, it's a practice. And sometimes it's a little messy. This podcast is here to help you trust your intuition, break through rules, the ones that need breaking, and live more fully in your gifts.

1:02So give yourself a deep breath, get cozy, and let's dive in. Hey friend, I want to share something with you that I've been walking through with my family. It's been deeply revelatory, deeply spiritual, deeply challenging, and I'm still in it. It's just something that's cracked to me open and maybe in sharing it, it will meet you somewhere inside your own life. So we were in Maui, our favorite place in the world, our favorite stretch of beach, the cliff dive, the turtles, the moonlight on the water. It was Chinese New Year, February 17th, the last night of the wood snake and the first night of the fire horse. And Jake and I were dancing on the sand to Bruno Mars, and the boys were playing. I had just made s'mores with them, with Phoenix and Bodhi, and they were rough housing and that kind of wild sandy beach boy way. And I went to the bathroom and then I came back and I said to Jake, I'm so glad that they're getting their energy out before bed.

2:08And this was like 8.39 o'clock at night, no one else was around. And seconds later I heard Bodhi screaming, I broke my arm, I broke my arm, I broke my arm. And at first I just thought he was being dramatic and then I looked and his arm was very crooked. There is nothing that prepares you for the sight of your child's bone displaced under their skin. He's 10, he's my baby, it was broken in two places and something in my body took over. We started walking him toward the hotel lobby, it was late, no one was around, he was barefoot. We had to send Phoenix back to the beach for his crocs and as we walked, Bodhi kept saying, I love you, I love you mommy, I love Luna, I love Apollo, those are our dogs, I love Phoenix, I love you daddy. Everything that he loves, he was listing all of it and everything that he loves, like he was leaving.

3:12And when we got to the lobby and I looked at his arm and again he said, just look at me mommy, just look in my eyes, don't look there, look in my eyes. I was so impressed with his spirituality, his deepness, his maturity, his wisdom and that kind of instinct that took over for him. And then he asked if he could talk to God and he started praying out loud and I've never heard him do that before, it's not something I've done in front of him before. We waited, what felt like forever for the ambulance, we stayed calm, he stayed calm, we stayed calm as best we could but my entire nervous system was lit up like a siren as you can imagine. And they splinted his arm, thank goodness, they gave him liquid Tylenol, we chose not to take the ambulance, we drove 25 miles to the hospital. And Jake chanted in the front seat and I did rakey on Bodhi in the back, I was saying the mantras out loud and every bump in the road felt dangerous.

4:20The hospital was bare bones and no frills and no softness and they had to reset the arm. Only one parent could be there so I wanted to be there and they administered ketamine and I asked if we could play five minute meditations for kids while they worked and reset the bone and they said yes. And as they began, which is a podcast that we listened to at bedtime and I'm actually going to be interviewing the woman who creates that podcast. So as they began the reset of the bones, I started doing some audible sighs, like deep full embodied exhales and I just kept saying you're doing a good job, you're doing so great, you're doing so well, basically walking him through a breath work session in a sense. And I could feel the entire room shift, the doctor, the nurses, the whole energy and at one point the doctor said, I feel so relaxed, I'm relaxing.

5:28It was very sacred, it was clinical, it was terrifying, but it was mystical watching them physically realign my son's bones. It was just something about witnessing your child in that vulnerable state that just reorganizes your whole soul. Later, as the ketamine wore off, Bodhi began speaking in what felt like the voice of an old Southern black man, he gave us dates, places, stories, he was wildly funny. And he kept telling us who we looked like and naming us and he told me I looked like Mike Wasowski from Monstersink. The nurses were laughing, it was surreal, and then the adrenaline did not stop the second half of our vacation. I was in the hotel room, elevating his arm, icing his arm, giving him Tylenol, Advil, Arnaka, rescue remedy, feeding him, making him wiggle his fingers every 30 minutes.

6:32I did not sleep much, I monitored his breathing, I was in pure protective mode, and if you've ever been in that place as a caregiver, you know. Your body becomes a guard tower and your nervous system, every time in the night you hear any sort of wine or cry, just the whole thing gets lit up. And you can't really power down and we had to get him home. So they couldn't cast his arm in Maui because of the swelling. So I spent half of the day on the phone with the airlines on the bathroom floor rearranging our flights for our whole family, securing a direct route, getting wheelchair assistance, changing seats. If we could change seats, we could sit closer to the front. And luckily my parents were willing to give up their premium seats so that Bodhi and I could sit near the bathroom in the front away from crowds. And my mom ended up sitting glass her heart in the very, very, very back and got bumped by people walking past to get to the bathroom every few seconds.

7:38So the flight was smooth and I played games with Bodhi the whole time. And the part that feels really vulnerable to say is that before this trip, I had told Bodhi that I didn't feel as connected to him as I wanted to and I wanted more time together in here we were more time together than I expected. It has been one of the hardest stretches of his childhood and one of the most bonding. He needed me again in ways he hasn't in years to put toothpaste on his toothbrush to help him get dressed and undressed to help him wipe to help him sleep. It brought me back to his baby years and when we got home, we couldn't get him casted for a couple days and then we had to go to three different hospitals to finally get this procedure done. Don't ask me why. The casting process itself felt retraumatizing holding his fingers the way they held them the pressure the screaming the crying.

8:38The system felt antiquated and slightly cold and somewhere in the middle of all of this. I had broken my arm when I was his age roller skating and I remember waiting for my dad to come see me and he didn't and I remember feeling abandoned. So I just didn't want Bodhi to feel that at all so I've just been right by his side. So there's layers here that I'm getting to reheal for myself generational layers inner child layers astrological layers because it happened on the exact night of Chinese New Year the beginning of the fire horse year. I am a horse in Chinese astrology and I don't I don't fully understand what all this means. Mystically, but I feel that it means something and in the middle of all of this I was able to facilitate a 12 woman panel to lead online breathwork to lead in big in person breathwork class.

9:39To clear out our final Airbnb to move the furniture by myself or closing on the sale of that two day to mother to boys to caretake two dogs to caretake our house and. I oscillate between feeling like super woman like the Alicia Key song and feeling like a woman who is deeply bow and tired and maybe you know that place. I bet you know that place where life does not pause for your nervous system where you are strong because you have to be where you show up even when you're cracked open and as I've been sitting with all of this I can't help but wonder about the symbolism a little bit more. In Louise Hayes work the arms represent our capacity to hold life to embrace experience to reach to extend ourselves in the world a broken arm can symbolize feeling unsupported or learning how to receive support in a new way.

10:47I think this is what this has been for me and body learning to receive receiving help from my parents bodies got so much closer to my parents receiving help from the nurses receiving help from the school and love from friends receiving the reminder that I'm not meant to do this alone that none of us are meant to do life alone. And then there's the timing the very night that we stepped into the fire horse here the fire horse is momentum power visibility leadership independence wild spirit and sometimes before we gallop forward something slows us down sometimes before we accelerate life asks us to pause. Sometimes before we expand we are brought to our knees so we remember what actually matters this definitely has felt like a shedding a reminder that control is an illusion that love is the only thing we really hold on to that everything can change in a breath.

12:00And maybe this was an initiation for body for Phoenix for me for Jake for our family into the next version of ourselves into deeper interdependence into softer strength if you are in a moment where something has broken open in your life physically emotionally spiritually maybe it isn't just disruption maybe it's a redirection maybe it's initiation maybe it's life asking you to receive more than you ever have. Before and if that's true then this isn't just a story about a broken arm it's a story about being held and learning how to let yourself be held and here's what I learned this week after our sisterhood rewritten panel this past Friday I realized I had been in work mode holding leading producing and I stepped out of that for a moment and I reached out to some women friends just some text messages nothing big. And they reached back with voice notes with care with warmth with presence and it just didn't take much so sometimes belonging is not a theory it's it's just a voice message sometimes it's letting yourself sometimes it's just just text message sometimes it's just letting yourself say this was hard letting yourself be seen like I'm having a hard time sometimes it's letting yourself receive the support that you so often give to others.

13:28So if you're in something right now if you're tired if you're in a protecting mode for someone if you're holding more than anyone sees if your nervous system is buzzing from something that happened weeks ago you're not alone your body makes sense your vigilance makes sense your tears makes sense and you're allowed to reach out. Thank you for listening truly if this resonated you can reach me at Siri at sage and blush wellness calm or an Instagram Siri beruk Thornton and if someone in your life needs this please share it let's give ourselves a breath give yourself a breath inhale exhale we are walking each other through the fire and we're becoming stronger softer and more real in the process loving you keep expanding your capacity to feel good one breath at a time.

14:53Thank you for listening for expanding your capacity to feel good alongside me I'm sending you love and I can't wait to connect again soon loving you