Breaking Generational Cycles: Raising Children with Akhlaaq.

0:00Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. A very, very warm welcome my dear Radio-Islam listeners to those afternoons session of Let's Talk Life. I am Sister Kadija Muhammad and I am going to be taking you through the program for this beautiful, beautiful, nice and cool Sunday afternoon. Alhamdulillah we are in the most blessed last days of Ramadan and we have got here with just so much I mean time just flies before you know it we started Ramadan and in the blink of an eye we are sitting at the last five days and it's just you know this is the month of reflection this is the month of peace this is the month of mercy this is the month where we sit and we we kind of introspect and we kind of sit and think about what is it I mean what is it what is going on around us in this very blessed month what is it that we want from our selves what is it that we want from from our spiritual how do we connect towards the last

1:02minute ala and this is why Ramadan being such a blessed month is so so so important for us as a reflective time as a reflective time to sit down and to kind of think about our connections to think about our inner self to think about what it is that we want how to align ourselves in the correct way and that's why today I'm going to speak about something today I want to talk about something that sits very very deeply in many of our homes but we don't even always speak about it openly we talk about raising successful children we talk about education we talk about careers in achievements but I want to speak about breaking that generational cycle and raising our children a clock here we are sitting in the month of Ramadan but there is something far more important that sometimes gets gets overlooked and there is a clock and character and this is why the show today is so so so important I think for everybody listening and for all our listeners out there we need to take heed of what is it exactly that is going on what is it exactly that we are doing because

2:06somehow somewhere along the nine we are not coming right we are not coming right with the a clock of our children be it in the month of Ramadan be it out of the month of Ramadan and it is so hard breakening it is so it's so you know you you become so distraught at the behavior and the character of our Muslim or my of our Muslim youth in this holy month of Ramadan so that is why today I choose to speak about the topic of of a clock and somehow there's a lag that is associated with our children seems to be a generational cycle and you know because at the end of the day the true measure of a person is not the qualification it's not the wealth it's not even the status it is the character and how they treat others I would be like a prophet Muhammad to the loudly Muslim said he was sent to that he was sent to perfect good character and if we need to think about that for a moment we need to think about that this message of Islam is not just about praying fasting or rituals it is also about how we as

3:11people behave with one another how we use our authority and how we treat those who are vulnerable and this is where today's conversation becomes very important because many of us inherited something from previous generations that we need to speak about honestly sometimes what gets passed down through generations it's not just traditions or culture sometimes what gets passed down is the misuse of power it's the misuse of power and the generational pattern so in some families and communities authority was very misunderstood all the generation sometimes believed that having power meant having control over others controlling others bullying others and that elders could not be questioned that children had to remain silent and that respect meant obedience even when something was wrong you were not allowed to say you were not allowed to tell the older generation that they were wrong that something was wrong because it showed this respect if you did that so we needed the generations before needed to show that respect as a form of obedience and when

4:17children grow up in that environment they begin to absorb those patterns they learn that power means dominance they learn that if you are older stronger or in a position of authority you can just somehow just go and you can control others and unfortunately you know my dear listeners some of those children they grow up and they repeat the same behavior the cycle seems to continue the same control the same silence the same misuse of authority but as parents today we have an opportunity we can choose whether or not we want to break that cycle whether we want to break that generation nicely it's a generation occurs whether we want to break that generation occurs because Islam does not teach us domination it just it teaches us it teaches us justice it teaches us mercy it teaches us to have accountability so what is it exactly what is it I mean these generations and these these youth now that come and they show that they have this authority and that they have this leadership

5:22and that they fathers and grandfathers did it before in generations before so it's okay it's acceptable for this behavior to be still going ahead in in these new new new new generations why does the actual true leadership look like I mean when we look at the life of Nabis Al-Alawli Muslim we see the most powerful example of leadership he had authority over community he was a leader he was a judge he was a teacher and yet those who loved with him described him as the most gentle and most humble of people Spahana Allah he did not humiliate people he did not use fear to control people he did not demand respect he simply earned it through his character and even children even small little children they felt comfortable to be around him servants were treated with dignity woman Spahana Allah they were treated with honor and this shows us something very very important my dear listeners it shows us that authority in Islam is not about power it's not about power over

6:28people it is about responsibility towards people when parents seem to understand this and when they can grasp this the entire atmosphere of your home the whole entire dynamic of your home changes children grow up feeling safe they grow up learning respect you don't grow up learning fear you know there's a story that I was actually reading that I wanted to relate to on the show today when I decided to speak about the topic and it's a powerful story of accountability it's a story from the time of the second Khalif Umar ibn Al-Qadab and one day a man came to him with a complaint and the man said that that the son of a powerful governor had struck him with a whoop and the boy had said something shocking he said how dare you respond to me when I am the son of a nobleman in other words he believed that his family status gave him power over others and when Umar ibn Al-Qadab heard this he did something extraordinary he brought the governor

7:30any sign before him and then he handed the whoop to the man who had been harmed and he told him to strike the governor sign back and the man hesitated but Umar insisted justice had to be served then Umar al-Qadab said one of the most famous is famous lines in Islamic history he said since we have you enslaved people since since when have you enslaved people when their mothers gave birth to them three think about their powerful statement my dear listeners since when have you enslaved people when their mothers gave birth to them three think about that again he was teaching a lesson that still applies today no lineage no family name no position give it gives anyone the right to abuse what gives anyone a right to abuse power this is the spirit of Islam and this is the lesson that we must teach our children and teaching our children

8:34healthy power is important because children misunderstand that power is not something you use to control others power is something you use to protect yourself you protect others power is something it used to protect others it's not used to harm others not used to to to abuse others we teach we should teach them simple but powerful lessons if you are stronger you help those who are weaker if you are older you guide those who are younger if you have authority you treat people with fairness because when children do not do not learn this when they don't have these lessons then danger happens something dangerous is lurking and they begin to believe that they are entitled they are entitled to control others and entitlement eventually it leads to harm and that is why that is why teaching a khlak is not just a nice idea it is a responsibility parents need to teach their

9:38children responsibility to apologize when they are wrong to respect boundaries to speak kindly and to understand that every single human being deserves dignity no matter what that you have no power you are not untouchable you have no power over anybody else every single human being deserves dignity and every single human being should be treated with dignity and that you know I mean this is something that is recurring in our communities this is something that our children need to understand because we as parents we need to break that cycle we need to break that cycle as parents breaking generation of patterns it's not easy I mean I can just come on here my dear lesson doesn't say you know what we need to stand up as parents we need to break that cycle it isn't something that is very easy sometimes we were raised in environments where silence was expected when authority could not be questioned and that is that is what it was you know in the previous days authority could not

10:41be questioned it showed a sign of disrespect if you had to say something against the person who was in authority it showed that you were disobedient it showed that you were disrespectful of that person so no matter what no matter if they were right or if they were wrong they were always right they were not to be questioned this authority could not be questioned fear was mistaken for respect because that's what it was silence was people remain silent because of fear not because of respect they remain silent because they fear those in authority but as parents today my dear listeners and I speak with this from from really from the bottom of my heart from from I come today to you really from the bottom of my heart that we have the opportunity to create something better for our children we can build homes where respect is mutual where power is used responsibly children need to understand both their rights and they need to understand their responsibilities the irony of it all

11:43this is human rights month in South Africa we need to realize we need to teach our children that they have to understand both their rights and they have to understand their responsibilities and part in parcel of those responsibilities is not to be a bully and part in parcel of that right is to not be bullied so that is that is what our human right is it is a human right it is a right by not only in the constitution of our country it is a right in Islam we have a right to be treated and to be understanding our rights and responsibilities we have a right to to be we have a right not to be abused we have a right not to be bullied and we have a responsibility not to abuse and not to bully and perhaps most importantly you know we teach them that no one has the right to harm another person simple it's not because of status it's not because of age it's not because of authority out right that is it no one has a right to harm another person so if we do not teach our children

12:50that these these kind of lessons my dear listeners the world will eventually teach them and you know what's the most heartbreaking part the world will eventually teach them in more painful ways the world will teach them in ways that you know you cannot I mean it's an ugly world out there it's an ugly ugly world out there people seem to just want to throw the authority around people seem to just want to you know show who is in charge who is boss there is no respect is no respect for the younger generation there is no respect for the older generation there is no longer respect for anywhere that you are in for the for what is around us whether we are in in in each other's homes whether we are we are showing authority in homes whether we are showing authority in public outside in the streets whether we are showing authority in our most sacred places in the mosquitos in the churches in the in our holy places

13:53where where we are supposed to be having fear of a last one with the Allah there is no more there is no more no more there is that that that way there's no more that boundaries there's no more that respect there's no more that you know where we draw the line that may rather say that there is no longer that way we draw the line where we know this is now afflomance today everything has become everything has become accessible you go and you behave wherever you want to however you want to in front of whoever you want to do whoever you want to and that is the same reality about our generations and about our parenting and about our youth and about our communities that is the same said said bad if we raise our children with achlaq if we raise our children with the fear of the last one with Allah knowing that Allah is watching pleasure to walk within the last one with Allah they will grow into adults they will grow into these adults who carry dignity wherever they go

14:57adults who understand justice adults who protect others instead of controlling them that is what they will grow up to be you know like I say this is a this is something that is generational and I'm speaking today about generational because it is you know it is some way along the line these these generations of these youth that show this authority that show this bullying that show they give this abuse they feel like it has come from the generations before and it is their their duty and their role to carry it down to further generations to keep that going that keep it doesn't work like that Islam does not teach us that Islam teaches us achlaq that is not achlaq and experience if we are condoning that kind of behavior if we are condoning the behavior of our children if we are teaching them that this is right and go and show your bullying go and show your authority go and give your power then we are failing in our in our Islam we are failing

16:00as the umar of navisal al-awwalim salam we are failing as human beings stay out every generation inherited something from the one before it we all sometimes we inherited the wisdom sometimes we inherited the pain and it's so beautiful you know sometimes when we sit and we speak to our parents and we hear stories about our grandparents and our great-grandparents you get such beautiful beautiful stories out of there there are life lessons sometimes we learn about the wisdom that they had and also at the same time sometimes we even learn about the pain the pain that our generations or previous grandparents endured you know but our responsibility our responsibility as parents is to decide what continues and exactly what stops with us if previous generations must use power if silence protected them then let let this be the generation with the cycle ends let this be the generation where we raise children who strengthen lives not in control but rather

17:02who strengthen lives in character who strengthen lives in the mercy of Allah SWT Allah let us try and and and you know instill this into our children one of the biggest biggest biggest misunderstandings my dear listeners passed on through generations is confusing respect with fear in some homes you know children like I said children were told don't speak because I said so you must fear the elders but fear does not build your character fear is something that creates silence fear creates resentment fear creates children who either become very broken or very controlling themselves respect is very different respect is both through fairness through kindness through consistency through humanity and when children feel respected they naturally learn to respect others so in your home if your child is coming out of that authority you have not created a home where they have felt respected you have created a home where you've you've created fear

18:04and that is why they are coming out of their homes feeling that they are in power and feeling that they have authority when children these feel respected they naturally learn to respect others it is that when children feel respected they naturally naturally learn to fear others we need to build a generation we need to build a parents our our responsibility is towards the last one with Allah for having these children as an emanate for having these children as a trust for bringing them up in the right way and you know it was just it was just a few days ago a few hours ago maybe for me as a parent where I said and I thought to myself you know what is the term what is the the the word where they say you know when when we couldn't graduating people and when we making do off our children and we mean making do I and we can say Mubarak to babies that are born and we are giving do I to other parents and do I for which I don't we say the term may they be

19:10the coolness of your eyes may they be the coolness of your eyes but we do not sit and actually understand what does that actually mean what does may they be the coolness of your eyes or our eyes mean what does it actually mean may be like you know what does it mean it means when when I said this this past few let me say hours and I'm speaking on a personal personal point of view I'm coming on very strong today from a personal basis and when I say that let them be the coolness of your eyes I mean let that that which comes out of your eyes that which you are looking at that which the tears that are flowing out of your eyes let it bring coolness and happiness to you let that what you are seeing in front of you what you have brought up what you have taught what you have molded what you have groomed in front of you let that what you are looking at let that fusion bring coolness to your eyes let that tears that roll down your cheeks roll down is cooling your eyes

20:17and not hitting it up not crying out of fear not crying out of regret not crying out of that blood tears that we are crying to a last one with the Allah for help for guidance for for for for for keeping our children on the sera of mistaking but other in other words let it be tears with that fusion that tears that are flowing from our eyes are cooling it for the sake of a last one with Allah where you know you are proud you are proud of that children or that child that you are brought up that you know a last one with Allah will be pleased with in whatever way maybe so that is what it means to bring your children up and make them and make that to us let them be the coolness of your eyes let them bring that coolness that that relief to you let what you are looking at be a relief for you let that what you are crying for be a relief for you let it be a coolness to your eye and that is why it is important that we try and you know bring our child we try and

21:22end the cycle we try and end this generational cycle and this you know this way our kids are having this way where they when they when they feel that fear and they start growing up in believing that the only way to be heard is to become powerful themselves when we are not listening to our children and they feel that the only way that I will be heard out there the only way that people will notice me and that I will have my say is when I try and have power over other people that is where the cycle starts repeating because why we have not taught our children love we have not shown them love we have not shown them respect we have instilled that fear is the way to love we are loving in fear because you feared that generation before and that is why you feel that the only way you can survive and the only way that you can go into into bring up your next generation is to love is to teach them that fear as well and when you have that fear you go into a powerful state you go into a state

22:26where you feel you have power and you have authority and you are untouchable and there is no one that can break you and yalla astaghfirullah astaghfirullah it does not work that way do my children respect me because they trust me or do they respect me because they fear me is what they really should be asking us do are my children respect the community because they have to work all in Allah or do my children go out there in the community because of why they have no no fear of Allah they have no fear of Allah that is what we need to the answer to that question shapes the kind of adults that we will be teach our children to become or that we are going to mold our children into becoming and one of the greatest lessons that we can give our children is the ability to say I was wrong take accountability today many children struggle with accountability because they have always been protected from consequences parents sometimes ration to defend them

23:30they ration to defend them against the teachers I'm speaking from as an educator they ration to protect them against their friends they ration to protect them against responsibility they ration to protect them against society community the people amongst us a young generation and older generation but when we do this constantly we unintentionally or maybe even intentionally I don't know teach our children something very dangerous we teaching them something very very very dangerous we teach them that they are never wrong and a person who cannot admit that they are wrong can easily misuse power later in life Islam teaches us the opposite my dear listeners it teaches us self-reflection and humility the strongest people are not those who dominate others the strongest people are those who can admit their mistakes and grow from them you know another another maybe powerful moment from Islamic history that I can that that I can just speak about

24:34now that shows us how true strength is shown through mercy was when the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi waslam and Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu alayhi waslam returned to Makkah during the conquest of Makkah he had complete power the very very people who had insulted him persecuted him driven him out of his home were now standing before him in fear subhanallah and in that moment he could have taken revenge many leaders throughout history would have done exactly that but instead Nabi Sallallahu alayhi waslam asked him a question he said what do you think I will do with you today and they responded with hope saying you are noble you are a noble brother and the son of a noble brother and then Nabi Sallallahu alayhi waslam said something they changed history he said no blame will be upon you today you are all free subhanallah imagine the power of that moment that that my dear listeners was true leadership that

25:36was true true true true character he had power yet he chose mercy and this is the model of ahlak we must teach our children power is not proven through control power is proven through restraint through justice and through compassion and when our kids experience how do we know if we are successfully teaching our children ahlak if we want them to know that if we want them to have this kind of power that is controlled through restraint through justice to come through compassion we need to be looking out for signs in our children do they apologize when they hurt someone do they help others without being asked do they respect people who have nothing to offer them do they treat workers teachers strangers people in our community do they teachers teach them or do they treat them rather with dignity the old the young doesn't matter who they are in

26:40way way easy that they treating are they treating them this way in their homes are they treating them this way in the streets are they treating them this way in the social community are they treating them this way in the holy sacred houses of the mistreats where our boys are going where our children are supposed to feel safe are they treating one another with dignity in the houses of Allah ahlak where are they treating them this way and that reveals the character of our children character is revealed most clearly in how someone treats people who have less power than them if our children learn to treat everyone with kindness then we know that we are building something strong inside of them we know that our goal has been reached the goal of parenting is not just today's children who simply obey us my dear listeners the goal is to raise children who understand justice who understand kindness who understand responsibility even when we are not there to guide them

27:44because one day our children are going to grow up they will become spouses they will become parents they will become leaders and ahlak that we planned in them today will shape how they treat the world tomorrow it is most definitely seen through generations i'm not speaking a word of life the way we teach what we teach them is what they are going to be it does glingle on into the generations to come it is something that is carried on ahlak is something that is carried on for generation to generation to generation there is how it actually is there is the truth and the reality of ahlak and that is why i speak so much about breaking this generation of girls breaking this generation of power that you know what we cannot our kids cannot continue if there is no ahlak if there is no respect if there are no boundaries we need to start instilling we need to start instilling that and creating that awareness in our children that there is not the way of Islam

28:45that is not the way of the Sunnah that is not the Sunnah of Nabis al-Alawalew Islam that is not how the Ummah of Nabis al-Alawalew Islam should be behaving and most definitely that is not how a human being should be behaving and i have reached the end of the program this afternoon my jellissim is i hope and i pray inshaAllah that you understand speaking from a very very very from a mother two mothers who are listening out there from a parent to parents who are listening out there and i hope this has somehow you know may spark some kind of a realization in in your head and we can only pray we can only pray to Allah swan wa ta'ala yeah Allah you are the one who entrusted us with our children you have given us given them to us is an amana and we ask you to help us raise them in a way that pleases you yalla yalla plays beautiful ahlak in the hearts of our children grand them kindness humility patience and compassion protect them yalla from arrogance

29:49from entitlement from from ever using power to harm others yalla make them people who stand for justice who respect others and who carry dignity wherever they go if they are harmful patterns that have passed through generations before as yalla give us the strength in the wisdom to end those cycles with us their our homes be places of mercy be places of safety be places of respect yalla guide us guide us his parents so that we lead our children with patience and wisdom just as i will beloved prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam taught us this through his example grand our children hearts that are soft thanks that speak truth and actions that bring goodness to this world yalla make them among those who bring light into their families benefit to their communities and honor honor yalla to our ummah and allow us allow us his parents to be reunited in shayAllah with them in jannah yeah my dear listeners we have reached the end of the program for this

30:56afternoon maybe raise children who never use power to harm others but always use the character to uplift them that's the most important thing let us be the generation where cycles of control end and the legacy of ahlak begins because true success is not raising children who are fulfilled entitled to the world it is raising children whose character makes the world feel better may our children inherit our faiths and may they inherit our character not our wounds that is not what we want for our kids and let the legacy that we leave our children not be power or controlled but let that be the beauty of ahlak what that my dear listeners i have come to the end of the program for this afternoon it is almost the end of Ramadan i do pray and pray for each and every one of you for pray for the entire ummah of navisar alaureuslam we pray for the entire world yalla keep us safe

31:57keep us strong bless us with with mercy yalla grant us mercy and forgive us forgive us and pardon us you know my son went to sit in itikaf and and he wasn't going to sit in itikaf i'm just going to end with this story and he said mom he wasn't going to because he's in grade 12 and he had a very very bad experience during his days in itikaf in those last few days where he had to come out of itikaf and he you know it was it was a difficult that's why the topic that i'm speaking about today is very close to my heart and very very very very personal but before he went for his itikaf his heart was very so because he said in itikaf for the past four years and this year was a bit difficult for him because he's in his particular and he could not do a full full itikaf and he was hesitant whether he should be going in or whether he should not be going in and i said to him by you know what maybe don't go in if you don't if you feel it's going to be too difficult for you

32:57because you are busy with exams and assessments and whatever and how are you going to juggle the two and he said to me you know he said mommy you know what is itikaf do you understand what is itikaf i said what is it so i'm explaining and he said itikaf is when you go in you are invited by last panutala you go in and you sit for those 10 days for the sake of a last panutala giving yourself to a last panutala but you know what is the purpose of it where you go there and you tell a last panutala i am not leaving from ya ya Allah until you have pardoned me until you have forgiven me for my sins so bahan Allah and i looked at him and i said bah i don't know how you're going to juggle this i don't know how you're going to juggle it but get your bags ready and please do me a favor go and sit for that itikaf because Allah has chosen you you are blessed and that is where you are going to be and whatever happens from there is for the sake of Allah by the will of Allah and let us

34:00have to work with Allah and my child had a very very very very hard breaking lesson in during itikaf but it was the lesson that gave my children my family honor so was that i cannot be more thankful we cannot say more sugar to Allah's panutala for having put us through or for testing us during this month of Ramadan was our itikaf with my family and with honor and dignity ya Allah may Allah protect us keep us safe have a blessed last five days of Ramadan remember all of us in yours very very forward do as stay safe stay blessed Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh