Bonus: Mork Borg Part 1

0:30Welcome to Astronomica. Where we set sail each week on the seas of adventure. To ports unknown. Where we will do things of a various nature. They might be. What? Imagination to starboard. Oh God, get it! Get it! Oh my God, it's horrible! Fancy to port! The harpoon is ready, sir. You may fire with red eggs. Kristen? Thank you, Imperial Visitor. Kristen? It's totally going for like, um, an e-core face. Sure. Whatever. Anyway, this week we have something a little different for you. This week and next week. So it's, uh, Astronomica this week.

1:30Mm-hmm. Which means you traditionally don't get an episode. And if you want to find out what happened at Astronomica. Just, uh, check the police blotter for the greater Memphis area. You know, an early September. Wait, wait for the next, uh, massive civil rights, uh, fight with the occupying force in Memphis. Um, we'll be there. Uh, no. So we did think though that instead of doing a goofy little, I don't know, like 20-minute nonsense thing. We would crack open the old archives. Ah, yes. It's a bit of an archives. And we would bring you a treat from the past. Surely not giving away some of our precious premium content. Yes indeed. We're sorry, but if you purchase the Patreon subscription, sure. In 2022. Um, people get to hear that thing for free now.

2:34Mm-hmm. And that thing is Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. Mark Borg. And just for Jay, Mark Borg. Oh, yeah. All right. So some of you may have listened to this one back in the day. Um, so I hope that you enjoyed again. You also already know that there's a lot of fun to be had. And this one is a true throwback. It is GMed by Colin. Colin. Colin. It was fun everybody. The Anton that was and shall be indeed. He's okay. He's doing good. He's doing good. He's running a small town in Colorado. Oh, okay. Yeah, he and his partner, he and the spouser. Yeah, they're like on the city council and shit. It's wild. They're basically doing a shit's creek. Excellent. Yes. And he has upgraded, by the way, his dwelling to a substantially more bear resistant type of structure.

3:39Oh, good. Indeed. A double year to everyone. Uh, no, he is. I get as a wizard's tower. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. Oh, man. Anyway, Colin, this one's for you, buddy. Um, part one is this week. Next week is part two. So don't worry. We're not going to leave you hanging. Yes. Yeah, we're not one of those podcasts that gives you a preview and then leaves you on the hook. No, full satisfaction here at Astronomica. That's our guarantee. And if you come to Astronomica, full satisfaction. Full satisfaction. Full satisfaction. Uh, full satisfaction. We cannot guarantee full satisfaction. They cause irreversible damage to the Lover and kidneys.

4:42All right. Hello. Thank you all so much for being here for our first ever patriotic exclusive content. Hooray! Hooray! Um, like to welcome you to a very special edition of Astronomica called... The Chrome Nobby Call! I'd repract as my metal voice because we're playing Morkborg, which is a really cool dark fantasy RPG. It's really simple to play. Every single thing about our game and setting tonight, I rolled up on some tables and then sort of extrapolated on in my notebook. And yeah, I think it'll be a really good time. I got this game for Christmas and I haven't played it yet and I've been really excited about it. The artwork is beautiful. You should check it out on the internet or by the book because it's like if you don't even like RPGs, you can just look at this book. Me and it's a fucking cool book. My offer one critique.

5:43Yes. I love the front cover but every time I look at it just as a glance before my brain makes sense of it, it does seem like the armor-clad skeleton is actually holding a giant sprinkled donut. I can see it. Yeah. It's a good splattered shield but I definitely donut it is. And what's that particle that's the Astropop? The one that's the three different colors and like, oh, bomb pop. Sure. Wow. Guys, I love this jinx. Jinx, what the fuckers? Bomb pop. I use the game designer. The game designer is... Pelé Nielsen. And then the artists are Johann Nor and dead people, according to the book. It's from a group called Stockholm Cartel. They're from Sweden and they make some games. They also have a sci-fi version coming out called Cyborg, which I think is cool and makes it a play. It's a movie. It is a released under the Aegis of Free League publishing, which although they didn't directly creatively contribute to this game,

6:51they are responsible for bringing a lot of really cool stuff into the world. Shout out to Free League. Hell yeah. Jeff's actually played this game before so I'm gonna need him. This shot has got damn mouth. Not really. Now, you tell me when I'm fucking up. Good luck, buddy. I really appreciate the strong leadership energy that is rolling off of you and I for one, I'm gonna try to drink less than I did at our chat's chronomica so that you can keep that energy. Oh no, it's okay. This is gonna turn into some bullshit. Actually, actually put a lot of effort into writing up the introduction to the thing, so it's gonna be really cool. You're right. I shouldn't worry about it because that was in my 20s. Exactly. Hell yeah. So to tell you just sort of how I got to where I started the adventure on the very last page of the book, there's basically like even more reasons to risk one's life and it's a table where you roll out a setting.

7:51So it's a D12 for where are you, a D20 for who or what contacts you and then a D100 for the adventure spark. And then on top of that there's tables for like where are you, what's the dungeon, the name, the kind of monsters that earn it, which is all pretty neat. And I guess to go ahead and get rolling on stuff, I'll tell you what I rolled and then we'll get into building characters and some story and context and getting into gameplay. So I rolled on the where we are in the barren fields of Kurgas, who or what contacts us is a devastated mother in white. The spark is she demands a gift, see it delivered. And then yes. Oh no, I just had a thought that this will probably be released to you, dear listener in April. But if I accidentally don't have it ready until May, this is a great mother's ticket.

8:53Oh man, there you go. So just excuse me, asking a question about the lore, is it the devastated mother in white demanding a gift or is it she the basilis? I was about to read that part of the book and tell you because for some context, I'm not going to read the first page, which explains what the basilis are and blah blah where they came from. Because fuck it, read the book on your own. But she when the world was but water, dust and clouds thick with plague fat flies came she first of the bessonus from the cracks of Bergen crypt she crawled she bears the head of denial. Lucy, which Lucy L use its L.U.S.I. which makes it sound cooler when you write it, but Lucy Lussi, I don't know, doesn't matter. Who looks you see who looks up and down yet all shall be well her twin arc head of deception claims to be the first profit of truth now prostituted by Veru few have ever seen her the oldest but many walk her twin paths.

10:06She spawned many since the dawn of time. Their conceptions not without agony all were cast down the cliffs of Bergen crypts, but only he survived. Down in the valley of unfortunate undead his eyes locked upon the mountains peak he spits out curses upon his evil mother. The head gorg is bitter rank within me that only his twin Veru knows the damned truth. Time and time again his prophecies are brought to be the piles of gold gift riches from his faithful teeter and slides so tall are they. Which that is the who she is. She holds a football and we try to kick it. Yes, and that's why she did not. Yeah, so in the context of the world there's this like foreheaded basketballist that is the profusier of doom. The world is dead. It's dying. There's nothing you do about it. It's going to end speaking of it.

11:12So nothing like real life at all. Wow. So as part of building the game setting there is the calendar of Necrabelle, which is basically you decide like at what point in the end of the world it is since we're playing a relatively short game. I chose a cruel month, which is a D6 on a result of a one on any of the die that you roll for this table. There's this it's actually set up really cool set up like Psalms where the first number on your you roll a D66 and it's like three one a graven toss the soil shall grow warm and those who rest made to walk it's written like you know. Yeah, nice. Biblically. But basically, if I roll a one I roll on this table and that is a terrible and devastating thing that happens in the world and I roll at the beginning of every day. So if you all are feeling froggy, hope you all have your paper ready because there are no character sheets.

12:18I'm sure someone has made a character sheet. I don't have a printer. We'll roll up and I figured okay, there are some classes that you can like choose and do all that with, but I thought it'd be more fun if we all just like rolled completely at random. So not using the classes at all. And I mean, like unless you specifically want to do something, I just figured everything at random would be a fun way to do this game. Sure, whatever I get, I'm going to call my classes, helping with deluxe. Hell yeah, nice. You can also roll your name if you want, but you don't have to. We'll see. Okay. So I'd like everyone to roll a D6. All right. And while you're rolling on the page of the character builder, in this world, there are those who seek riches or redemption. Some say the apocalypse is escapable that it might even be stopped. And there you walk in discord and despair.

13:18One hand holds 2d6 times 10 silver. So let's go and roll that first. So 2d6? Yeah, that's for your money. And it said the wrong thing. Girl 2d6. Okay. 9. So you have 90 silver. Awesome. So same. 7. All right. 70 silver for Colin. 7. And 74 stand. The other holds a water skin and a D4 days worth of food. So there you go. 4. 2. 3. 2. 3. All right. So y'all can live at least a couple of days. Although in the real world, like people can live for like a few months without food and like it sucks, but you're not going to like immediately. No, sorry. Yeah. I said the wrong thing. But yeah. So I won't make you immediately dead if you're not a food. I don't think the rules make me do that anyway.

14:19Cool. So to begin with, here's what you have. So that D6 that I asked for earlier. Mm-hmm. All the six. Okay. You got a donkey. Or you can also choose one of the above, which is a small wagon, a sack or a backpack. The sack holds 10 normal size items. The backpack holds 7. Donkey, you can just sort of pack up with whatever. So I'm going to leave this damn donkey into the future. Does the donkey count as food? Yeah. If you want. If it happens to go that way. Just making sure. Yeah. I got a five. You have a small wagon. Which you can tow behind the donkey. So G. All right. Team. I rolled a one. You have nothing. I got a two. You also have another. Oh. Games, bullshit. I go from looking downtrodden to suddenly gleeful.

15:22And I'm going to have y'all roll two D12s and tell me the results separately. So two, so not add them? No, not add them. It's two separate rolls of a D12. That is the one die I don't have. Oh, I've got two right here. All right. Thank you much. You guys want to just go clockwise to keep it? Yeah. We'll do that. All right. Colin. You want them both or just one? Tell me both of them, but like one and then the other like separately. I got a three and a five. All right. You have a lantern with oil for six hours. And a five. You have exquisite perfume worth 25 silver. I'm going to get that perfume. I got an eight and a five. You have a metal file in lockpicks and also perfume.

16:24Unless you'd like to reroll. No, I told you I was going to get a perfume sweet. I got a nine. And a five. A five. All right. You have a bear trap. What else? And some exquisite perfume. Sweet. I'm going to knock you all socks off. I got two fives. So we are packing the perfume. We are perfume merchants. Clearly. Clearly. And I'm keeping it. I feel like let's roll with the extra perfume. Yeah. Well, sweet. All right. I personally am packing Mark Jacobs daisy. And Chanel number five. Because those are the first two perfume names I could remember. Nice. I got an ex body spray. A procession. Calvin Klein. Nice. Dracanlo. There you go. That's the choice I was waiting for. All right. So we've ever randomized our starting equipment. And now we're going to randomize our weapons armor. And then we're going to roll for abilities and hit points.

17:26Sweet. And also there's some fun optional tables that I would like to fuck with at least a little bit. The terrible traits. Yeah. They're just like things that are like weird or different or bad about your character. For like quick roleplay, that sounds excellent. It'll help us. I thought so. Also, there's this fun thing where if any of y'all have like access to magic at some point, every time you cast magic, a terrible thing happens and you roll on the table and you have to deal with it. I cut it that. If you feel. Yeah. If you can. Do him, Daddy. Mm-hmm. Jeff's cheating. He's got more. We're up on his phone. Oh, that's okay. It's an open book test. Okay. So we're going to roll up your weapons, which will be a D10. Two. Oh, sorry. We'll go in clockwise. Four. Four. Colin, you have a knife. It does D4 damage.

18:29Three. You have a short sword. Also D4. Two. You have a staff. Also D4. Right. Also have a knife. Cool. Man, nobody rolled a one, which is a femur, which is my favorite weapon in the game. I'm just really curious, no. Nope, I rolled a nine the second time. I've told you, if y'all get the same shit, I don't care if you're a roll. I'll stick with my knife. When we get into the like abilities and shit like that, I think that's where. Okay. Cut out across that. I mean, that would be nice, but I was really hoping for the femur. That's cool. If it was a one, I'd be like, hey man. Here we go. All right. So now we're going to roll abilities and then finally hit points. Although now that I think about it, we have a person with a donkey, a person with a wagon, and two people who ain't bringing shit to the table. So we got femurs if we need them. That's true. I mean, I'm not going to say you have a short sword dipped in perfume. I mean, you can't like not find more weapons later on. I'm not going to. Are we going to do armor?

19:30Yep. We're going to roll a D4 for armor. All right. Colin. Two. You have light armor. I'd note it's a minus D2 damage and a tier one, which will be important later. Stand one. You have no armor. Four. You have heavy armor. It's minus a D6 damage, tier three, and you get additional plus four, like danger rating on agility tests, and your defense is plus two. And I also have light armor, which you said was a negative D2 damage, and it's tier one. Yes. I also know who we need to take the femur from based on those armor results. Very good.

20:31If you would like to, you can technically spend some of your money on equipment, but that seems like it could be really tedious. No, I want to win the game with the most money. All right. There you go. Could I buy a scroll? Let me see how much scroll is. Worth roughly 50 silver, so you can buy a scroll. I would like to buy an unclean scroll. Ah, ha, ha. Well, let me tell you what scrolls are and do, which I need to find the pain. Too daddy just cheating. He knows what scrolls are. Right. This motherfucker right here has played the game before. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right. Roll a D10, Jeff. Nine. Nine. And you have eyelid blinds, the mind. Nice. I'm not sure if the creatures fall asleep for one hour unless they succeed at a DR-14 test. Nice. A spell name is remind me of betrayal at Crondoor, and it spells like mad gods rage and stuff.

21:35I would also like to buy a scroll. I should know that it's whole to you. You can buy shit. That's okay. That's the only thing I'm going to buy, and you said it was 50? Yes. Okay. Um, excuse me. Uh-huh. So you can buy either an unclean or a holy scroll. Also, uh, scrolls will never work when wheeling 200 weapons or medium or heavy armor. Just so you know. Cool. Oh. Um, I'll go ahead and get a holy scroll, because that was an unclean one. Yes. A page of 35. Got a word from pages around. All right. Sacred scrolls. Another D10. I got a one. You get grace of a dead saint. D2 creatures regain one D10 HP each. Okay. Hold on. What kind of creature? Um, D2. So, yeah, flip that thing out. D2 creatures gain.

22:35One D10 hit points each. Oh, cool. Can I sell my heavy armor in exchange for light armor? Um, yeah, whatever. It's fine. Kind of breaks the whole point of, uh, you have 180. Just trade with me. Just trade with me. Okay. Yeah. I'll trade with you. Do you want my heavy armor? Yes. Okay. From now on, you will buy shit in game. Hey, don't do you want to scroll? I mean, look, don't worry about what I won't. I'm hitting a shiv all of you. I'm sorry. Is Nester standing here at the game table with us? This is going to be thrilling podcasting, but can you give me heavy armor stats again? Please. Um, heavy armor is a negative D6 damage. It is tier 3. You get, um, plus 4 difficulty on agility tests, but plus 2 to your defense rolls. Plus 2 defense rolls? Uh, yeah.

23:35Alrighty. So let's do abilities. Um, you're going to roll 3d6 for each ability. There are four abilities. So if you want to roll 3d6, write them down the line. Do you want to give us the ability names? Yep. We've got agility, presence, strength, and toughness. Strength and toughness? Yes. Uh, and for some context, agility, we would use for defense, balance, whim, etc. Presence for perceive, aim, charm, and your scroll powers. Strength, strength for team, shit. And toughness is for resisting poison, cold heat, you know, that kind of shit. Uh, presence is also for aimed weapons. Uh, range weapons. I think I said that. Okay. Okay. I don't remember if I said it, but...

24:37I, for one, wasn't listening, because I was focused on the X. Okay, guys, no shit. So far, I have 13, 12, 13. And I probably jinxed it on this last one. Yep, there it is. That's going to be seven. I've got 10, 9, 13, 13. Okay, sorry. So, for, uh, 13, 14, and you get a plus one, I don't think anybody real tired than that, right? Nope. Um, 9 to 12 is, uh, zero, and 78 is a minus one. So you can allocate that as you will. Six is minus two. Six is minus two, yes. Okay, sorry. Damn it. Can you do that one more time? Yes. Uh, so, I'm just going to go descending. I'm just going to go descending. Uh, if you have a 13 or 14, you get a plus one.

25:37A 9 through a 12 is a plus zero. Seven eight is a minus one, and a five six is minus two. All right, cool. Awesome. I am agile and strong. No untuffness in my presence is not so great. I am also agile and strong. I am not tough. I'm strong and tough. Well, that's why we're such a tremendous team. That's why they call me strong to that. I call you. I am, uh, I am not agile. I'm really not agile. I have, uh, I'm not very present. I am least bad in strength with a zero modifier. Nice. And, uh, I am not tough at all. Nice. How do we feel about the word Kant on this podcast? I will allow it. Only when it's in a, uh, sparingly, a commonwealth accent. Very well. You've got fucking Kant.

26:38You've got, um, so this is a rated R thing. So you've got, uh, like three left. Nice. All right. I will marshal them and deploy them as most appropriate. Kant. That's one of yours, though. All right. I get my three. I for one have changed my target for the femur. All right. And, um, so the way that, uh, these abilities will modify your shit. Basically, um, you test or made against a difficulty rating. Um, you roll the D20 modified by your ability. It's, you know, pretty straightforward shit. All right. Um, and I think, oh, last thing is, uh, your hit points, which is important. Um, and you will begin with your toughness plus a D8. All right. I have the proud owner of five Brighton Shiny hit points.

27:45Nice. Um, yeah. And in the worst case, you can have one hit point, but nevertheless. Oh, good. I've got 16 hit points. Hot damn. What? I have a tough toughness of 13. Oh, no, the modern. Yes. Oh, okay. Then in that case, I have, oh, actually it just says toughness plus D8. So I think it is actually your stat. Once you, once you roll the numbers and you get the modifier, you throw away the, the base roll and you just use the modifier. Okay. In that case, I've got four motherfucking hit points. Hell yeah, brother. I rolled a five. And now I have three hit points. Hell yeah, brother. For once, I'm starting the game with the biggest pile of hit points at seven. Nice. So I'm sure I'll die very quickly. You guys, let's, let's steal our hit points. She keeps eyeing all of our femurs. I'm only eyeing two of your femurs. If y'all would like to roll for your names, we can. Otherwise, choose a name. And then I'm going to smoke cigarette.

28:46And then we will get to, well, well, and it's supposed to be like. Nordic sounding. It doesn't have, I mean, it's just like the world is very old, you know, oh, laugh the old factory. Oh, is it apocalyptic like a. Final fantasy where there was a technological age or is it? No, it's like Dark Souls got it. Yeah, I'm going to go with Molly Hatchett. Oh, all right. Because he does a lot of Molly. Oh, yeah, and the Hatchett for some movement. Now, speaking of Hatchets, I just cut the fuck out of myself for the Nax the other day. Yeah, I was there. Don't worry about it. A lot of blood. Should've got watches. Oh, shit. I missed a little, a waft, a little exquisite perfume in the air and introduced myself to the crowd. It's meta pretty flower. Meta pretty flower. All right.

29:46And I am Maggie the Crown. Nice. Maggie the Crown. Nice. See, someone's getting into the spirit of the game. Yeah, I can't do voices, but I'm bringing the old woman oneriness. Nice. Oh, I have a, I have a minus one present. So I figured that makes me like, even if I'm not physically unpleasant, I'm like emotionally unpleasant. I feel like you've just blocked all of your like, like you're just distracted by all of the perfume smell. And that's why you can't focus. Very possible. And if y'all would like to, I didn't really account for this, but if you want to like describe why y'all are all together, you can only, I was only halfway fucking around when I said I figured we were perfume merchants. I mean, in a dead world, having something pretty smell on instead of corpses seems, uh, well, you got a contagious, sunky anticoart. So that actually tracks it. Yeah, I mean, I had a coat. So I dude with a donkey and I was like, I would lock you to meet my donkey scrum. Oh, nice. Oh scrum, she's such a cute, a little thing.

30:48Aren't you just so cute? You will never meet a better smelling donkey. And she, and uh, yeah, basically she introduced herself to the donkey and then just connected it to the cart. And that was, that was, oh, yeah. Actually, that's fine. Can I, uh, can I buy one more thing or should I wait for the merchant? Um, can I, can I spend some silver to have something with my character or a jeff? Yeah, I forget. Okay. What would you like, jeff? A tame rat. Oh, all right. That's totally fun. Why? You can have it. I'm not, I'm not even going to ask about my animal companions. I have a friend with a donkey and that's enough. And a femur with a rat. I friend with a rat. Well, uh, the way you keep talking about getting a femur, it sounds like you are forgetting that you have received. So you don't have to kill two of us if you want two femurs. I, I have a side business. Yeah. Uh, maybe she wants four femurs. Maybe. Yeah. I mean, look, have you ever heard of femur nunchucks? Um, you need two for that. Yeah. You got to like, attach them.

31:48I have now heard of femur nunchucks and I am entirely intrigued and chomped by the prospect. I will say I've never heard of somebody having too many femurs. So there you go. I don't know. I heard that motherfucker like 30 goddamn femurs. Take off his boot. She's, see the femurs grown out of his foot. I'm pretty sure Ed Geen had too many femurs. Um, he wouldn't think so. Too many femurs. Too many femurs. It's just, you want to bridge this? Too many females. Oh, no. All right. Um, also just for funzees, there are four optional tables and there are four of you. All right. So I thought instead of having all of us roll every table, I feel like that would take forever. Um, so we're each going to roll a one table. Sounds good. And, um, I'll give you your choices and you can either like stab each other and decide

32:48or whatever. Um, but we have terrible traits, broken bodies, bad habits or troubling tails. Why don't we just go around? Can, can I nominate Colin for troubling tails? I don't know how to accept. I know. As the most likely to be able to do them justice. Could just make you roll for it, but then we'd get like people rolling the same number. We could do backwards. We can go from start from the bottom. Okay. Fine. Uh, Colin, roll me a D20 or on the page it does say or throw a knife at the page to the right. Um, but I just got this pretty. Yeah. I wrote a 16 16. Trouble some tails. Result 16. At permanent war with all Corvids. No contact without some violence. You carry a sling. I would be so sad to get that one.

33:52Dovish made the object to add a sling to my sheet. Indeed it does. Very good. Um, this is sadly ironic because of my noted love and desire to be closer friends. Colin, not Olaf. I want crows in my life. Maybe that's the deal. Maybe Olaf got too close to a crew. That could be it. Or is upset about being friends owned by crows. I wrote a one on a D4 for which category? Uh, for which? Okay. Um, so you will have terrible traits. Okay. You then I get 27 on the D20. All right. You are nihilistic. Oh, well. Yeah, but what did he get though? Yep. Sorry. It was too easy. All right. Um, it's worse. You're on, you're on, you're nihilistic. I don't know. If we're continuing in order. Okay. Uh, two left. We've got broken bodies or bad habits. Uh, you don't want to flip a coin for it?

34:53I mean, I would love to get broken bodies because I'm a crone. All right. But I mean, if you have a preference break that body. No, break that body. Crone. Go for it. All right. D20, you said? Mm-hmm. A five. A five. You are starved, gaunt and pale. All right. Man, some of these are cooler than that, but that's okay. I mean, I can roll again. No, I mean, if you want to, but you don't have to. 16. All right. Taking both. Oh, okay. Actually, these, these, these work together. Needle run and were terrible. Uh, you also have a red swollen alcoholic snooze. Yes. I am like a Disney, I am. What is it? Snow White. Yeah, yeah. The Evil Queen. Yeah. That's what I look like. One of my favorite ones on the table is if you roll a six, it's one hand replaced with a rusting hook. D6 damage. Oh, shit. That's actually decent. Yeah, what do you say about these things? Um, very cool. And Jeff, you have a bad habit. All right, here's my bad habit.

35:5320. Mastervation. You make jewelry from the teeth of the dead. Oh, what fucking line is that a bad habit? It actually says right under that if this is considered a bad habit. All right. Stepping on Kristen's character concept. That is from a different game, but yeah, daffodil, man. You would have done that, shit. Um, if y'all are ready, got Molly Hatchett, um, something within him, the crown? Maggie, the crown. Maggie, the crown. Oh, laugh, the old factory. The old factory. Havaia of pleasing sense. The odious is of a word to a toilet. And what you are. Meta, pretty flower. Meta, pretty flower. And my pet rat. This is pretty metaflower. I heard. All right.

36:53Well, if y'all forget scrumptious, the donkey. Indeed not very good. I will never forget scrumptious, the donkey. Um, well, if y'all are ready, I will set the stage. Go for dungeon daddy. Guy interrupt is the donkey. Do scrumptious, the donkey? Yes. Don't give it a name. Don't name it. No. Wait, it's only going to make it harder. That was a name. You should name. You should name your rat either, bud. I feel like what was the name of that goblin? Probably bobblin. No. Oh, I should clarify. This is a pretty metaflower than 19th. Flippity blob. Flippity blob. Yes. Coral flippity blob. Alas, we hardly knew ye. All right. Well, uh, this is all already said what I rolled. Um, so you find yourselves on the barren fields of kyrgyz.

37:55You've been traveling, peddling your perfumes. Perhaps unsuccessfully. And, um, are currently between, uh, stops in the midst of a fucking barren ass wasteland. There's nothing great there, although it has been traveled more of late because generally times are hard and things are bad and there's not really a great place to be. So people have been roving town to town, much like you are because, uh, home is typically a little bit more scary than just staying on the move. Okay. So is this like a barren wasteland between, like our, is there civilization on either end of the wasteland? Yeah. You can, you are like going towards somewhere, you know, towards a town or a settlement that you know of the, on the way it's just bleak. Got it. What's the temperature? Are we in a hot desert badlands?

38:57Or like, I think more like, think of like a step or a tundra. Okay. All right. All right. A good donkey terrain. Indeed. So, uh, I imagine, uh, my dude, Olaf is, uh, you know, walking alongside scrum just the donkey, hitched up to, uh, the cart belonging to, uh, Meg. Maggie, the crown. And yeah, he's, he's lean that it's, uh, piled high with exquisite perfumes. So much exquisite perfume. Yeah. This is what five bottles. And I'm, I'm passed out in the wagon because unbeknownst to the rest of the party. I've been drinking the perfume. I have some interesting news for you because Maggie is sitting in the, uh, driver's seat

39:59kind of like huddled over, uh, and, um, unbeknownst to the party. She's, she's been drinking. That's why they're only five bottles left. There's a big empty keg that's supposed to be full of perfume. Unbeknownst to you all that perfumes just distilled from Corvian piss. Pretty, pretty. I will recite for my character sheet nihilistic. Do you, do you think that they will catch on that we have been sipping from the way? There's, I don't care. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to pretty such a nihilistic mouth. Get any those. And one other, uh, thing that I rolled, um, going through on my list, um, one of the miseries has already happened, uh, which was number one four. And the depths of the underworld shall bring forth flying specters into crawling beasts

41:01in their passing. The worm grows fat. The vultures weary. Um, so y'all motherfuckers got undead to deal with. All right. Cool. All right. And, um, by the by, uh, if it comes to the point that seven miseries have been rolled, that's it. Rolls over. Sweet. Okay. So what's on the day, you say it is, um, just past dusk early nightfall. All right. Uh, we do not contemplate stopping in this barren and cursed place. Let me stop you right there because as your wagon is rolling down what passes for road in this empty land, um, in the middle of the road, there is a woman in white. Um, her hair shines purple through the, you know, the moonlight shining through her black hair gives it that luminescent blue black purple quality. And she stops you and says, I come from our mother, the mountain sent by she whom never

42:06sleeps and knows all. And then this world is dead. You are but holding on in the midst of its whispering death rattle. I demand a gift, tribute alas token as the world dies and is reborn in the image of our foreheaded countenance, the gall of the crypt vulture whom dwells in the Hadean grave. Charmed arm sure. Would you care for some lovely perfume? Well, you subter in the middle of delivering this. This is, this is the basilis speaking through this woman. So you may just die. I'm also sure of a monologue here. I am monologuing. I look all used to drawing things a certain kind of way in this. Oh, all off. All off. All off. I'm taking it from the top. Maggie, if you like the deal and she like tosses you a little flask, don't tell the

43:07others. Just sit on this while we listen. From the top. I have taken the tongue of this childless mother. The world is dead. You are but death rattle, tribute alas, gall of the crypt vulture. Beware him, my son, brother flesh. You will try to sway your devotion with false promises of salvation. There is none. Then as the maiden white finishes her message, her eyes turn to poison, her hair to splinters and her skin to brine as she decays into nothing. Oh. Excuse me for a moment. I must check her pulse and I shuffle over and lean down and then pluck the teeth from the desiccated jaw. That's not how you do that.

44:08It's the bar, the bar. It's how I do it. I've done it many times. You grab a tooth and it crumbles to powder. It is just at the ultimate end of all decaying possible. I pop up from the back of the wagon and I comically rub my eyes and then I look down at the ax body spray and I chuck it in. Why are you up there on the wagon? Yes, Olaf. Why are you making that? Well, what I make of it is that I think we might have some new ingredients for perfume. Make sure you get some scrapings. Here, put it in this jar. All right, watch you are. And also, do we know anything about the gall of the crypt vulture? Is this a thing that we've heard of? Indeed, you are aware and also because you were just explicitly told that the crypt vulture dwells in the Haiti and Grave, which is a well-known crypt.

45:15Formerly this, I don't think famous monuments, like the pyramids or even the Paris catacombs. It's a well-known, like, formerly well-regarded burial site that has fallen into decay. Otherwise, well, you know my sister was buried up at the Haiti and Graves? I did not know that. Yes. I did not know you had a sister. She talks about it, Adnaugian, my friend. You very lucky, man. She turns it out. No, that's usually even pretty. It's talking to me. Right, you are. So, if I'm to understand correctly and he kind of pinches the bridge of his nose, we need to go and go down in a crypt full of corpses in the middle of an undead apocalypse in order to steal someone's larynx to get the amber grays of the vulture. Oh, the gall. Yes, it was a primary ingredient in ax body spray, wasn't it?

46:19I believe so. So, of the consequences that before us, if we say, fuck it now, we're going to just keep selling perfume. You are typically everyone in the world is well aware of the fact that these basalists are like the fucking coutuluv style, vengeful, dark power. So, it's a choice of like, die-now or die-litter. I love, Leigh. The basalist has been said to reward those who serve it faithfully. We may be still upon us some riches to ease our final hours in this falling and fallen world. Delightful. Molley, do you have any strong-ject? Fuck it. I very well. Let's go. I will say, I may be on it. I wish to serve the basalist, but just so you know, vultures, no teeth. Look, we're going to a fucking decropolis.

47:23You're going to have all the teeth you can handle. How fantastic you make a fantastic point. Oh, you go. I've been meaning to ask you. Vultures have no teeth, but hence have teeth. Hmm. Only when they have an ativism at birth. Oh. Do you have any teeth? Oh, the expression is as rare as hence teeth. Perhaps we'll find some hence teeth. Listen, no right. So, wow. Guys, no me. I'm no stickler for the rules, but don't you make your jewelry out of the teeth of your enemies? That's my secret captain. The Viral is my enemy. Oh, right. You are. As y'all are debating the point, a murder of crows flocks down and it starts pecking at the dusty remains. Oh, my beautiful crow. Oh, god, they fucking things again. No. He's going to like, you know, scrabble around to find some rocks at his feet to put this link. I'm going to call it a, a, a, a, a DR of a 12 to hit one with your sling.

48:29They're, they're fluttering about. It may be kind of a hard shot. All right. All right. Sorry, a DR 10. All right. Well, I'll roll the 19 on the day 20. You fucking just, you know that video. Where the dude pitches and the bird flies in front, like right at the wrong time, this explosion of others. And he, and he just runs, he, he kills one that runs at the flock just flapping his arms like, fuck off. Fuck off. You fucking scoy, I mean, they do. But you see a knowing look in their eye, like the same over mother. He makes whatever passes for the rudest gesture with both of his hands at them as they fly away like, fuck off. And in Crow, it's a thing with the claws and it's fucking obscene. He does that. I'm sure you mark down one more food. Yes. Practicality. I love it. You're beautiful. You murder those toothless bastards with such grace.

49:31They carry in so they're real good. All right. What direction is the crypt from here? Is this like a, we just like, haul the wagon around. Do we keep going down the path? Yeah, we buried there. That is a good question. You can continue upon this path and be at the crypts in about two days. Are there any shortcuts? Hmm. I say, yeah, roll a, say, presence. All right. I'm real not good at that. Yeah. That would be sort of your, your mental. Cool. Her sister may or may not be buried there based on my presence. 10 total. 10's not bad, actually. 10 is, well, pretty simple, but not simple enough to not roll. You know that you can shave a half a day off of your travel, but you'll have to cut through some woods that are like sketchy before

50:36and possibly perilous currently. Gotcha. Well, gentlemen, if we continue down this path, it should be relatively easy and take about two days, but I know a shortcut through some woods and... Not the scraggly-ass woods. Yeah, the scraggly-ass woods. And if we're lucky, Molly, maybe bad things will happen to us. Yeah. You like that, right? That's what nihilism is. No, I don't care if bad things happen to us. Oh, well. All right. I have heard tale of these scraggly-ass woods and they're not named because the woods are scraggly-ass. It is what happens to you in the woods to your ass. All right. So hands up. Who votes for just doing the straight and easy thing? I've got two days worth of food and I don't plan to live past that. So can the wagon traverse the woods? Yeah, there is a path. Yeah. And who votes for the scraggly-ass woods?

51:37Oh. Oh. Oh, life raises his hand for the straight and easy path. Okay. Oh, we're doing straight and easy first. I abstain. Yep. I vote for the straight and easy, but pretty votes for the woods. So I must abstain as well. Okay. Oh, that might... How does scrumptious vote? Oh, yeah, how does scrumptious vote? Scrumptious. Don't just say it either. We are asking scrumptious. Scrumptious is going to put her hook. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you think that there is some moral obligation to consult with the dunking? I think in the absence of an objective arbiter, we all have, we owe each other. Um, we have to manifest. A detour. We're supposed to say that. Scrumptious knows the stomp one is the essence of stomp two is no, but she does not know what the fuck is going on. Right. So I'm going to roll the detour. All right. Uh, one is a easy and a two is a perilous. And that was a six. So perilous. It is.

52:37All right. So we have one vote for easy, one vote for perilous. And where are you, my love? Oh, well. The perilous road is always the most interesting one. There's so many things that you can get in the forest. And I don't know if you guys have noticed, but our supplies of perfume have been dwindling. I don't know what's happening to them, but we're really running low. Hmm. You will have exquisite breath. Yes, I've been told that it smells just like like Mark Jacob Stacey. What you are. So, uh, I mean, more, Jorkoops, you fun, you. Jork, Torsie, Mark Borkoops, the more Borkoops, the lady. All right. So we're going through the sketchy woods then. Before they set off. Wait, wait, wait. Are we going through these scraggly ass woods?

53:38Or the sketchy woods? Scruggly ass, I'm sure. I'm confused. It's best in an M's. You see, we call them both the same thing. Some people call scraggly and some say, no, no, this set off sketchy woods are very, very more perilous. Before they set off like Olaf stands in front of scrumptious and grabs scrumptious by like the cheekscruff and goes scrumptious. You'll broke my heart. I, hang on, I'm going to tell you that. I know that was great because it's like the system glitches for a moment and you see Mackey's face. And it's, and it's this like the observer is like, wait a second. I thought this was a very special episode. Scrumptious, you broke my heart. And he gives scrumptious the kiss of death. The astronomic accrues is in the wake of a holiday. It's a holiday. So scrumptious is hopper, right? Yes. I have dreamed of this day.

54:41Scrumptious is Sergeant Shank. You would be dead. Yeah. I feel like who's squiddle? You squiddle the wagon. Squiddle is the, the, the basilisk. I'm, uh, I'm being played by Wang. All right. Well, it is a becoming nighttime. And unless y'all just want to press on, and we could, let's camp before the dangerous woods on the side of the road here. Oh, right. We want to camp on the edge of the dangerous woods. Yes. If we go inside the dangerous woods, no one will think to look for us. Except for the things in the woods. Yes, but they won't be looking for us. Look, I, they won't know we're coming. I've been unconscious most of the day. So I can do the watch. Roll on the east. Yeah. Very well. That was me.

55:42I was planning a hit. So I'm going to do the watch. You guys get a good night's sleep. All right. Okay. Very well. And then I'll sleep again throughout the day tomorrow. For real question, are we camping just on the trail? Are we camping near the woods or re-camping just outside the machine? Y'all are about a day out from the woods. Oh, it'll, it'll save you time, but you're still in the middle of the future. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. So let's pull off the, off the road. Or well, if we want to soldier on through the night, I'm just saying that's sleep before the woods. I think pulling off is a good idea. I just wanted to make sure terrain wise. We had no idea. No, we don't want to overexhaust the food reserve. I mean, donkey. Yeah. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, if you are going to hold watch while you camp, you want to roll the presence. Okay. It's a D20 plus my presence modifier, which is zero. I got a 14. Okay. Yeah. So that's an ultimate success. If anything was going to happen, you would know about it. But thus far through the night, you've seen the distant lanterns of other travelers,

56:47such as yourselves and everything passes relatively unaventfully. They're all frequently avoiding the S. Cragley-Ast forest for them. And it's the beginning of a new day. Make these snores like we're going to load. To see if there's another misery that happens. There's not. Y'all are safe for now. All right. But as you awaken the morning, you see a S. Cragley-Ast. Peddler. I was pulling a wheelbarrow full of, you're not quite sure what. He has a raggedy. You would almost call it a Pope's hat if it wasn't just so mud caked and just indistinguishable from a lump of cloth on his head. Still a Pope's hat. Oh, Peddler. I, oh, I tell you, that's so nice to see a customer here. I have been traveling, selling relics, great holy relics from all over.

57:50I don't know. I'm telling you, if you go into the necropolis, you're going to want some fucking relics, wasn't all of them. Oh, yeah. I said we was going to the necropolis. Everyone's going to the necropolis. That's the only thing down this road. There's this basil that's making everybody go. Everybody that comes out. Olaf. Try to sell him some of our perfume. Oh, I couldn't help but now he's, she smell like shit. It's in fashion. Everybody smells like shit these days. No, no, it isn't. Listen, how about I am prepared to trade you a certain amount of our luxuriance or factory pleasure for your own purposes, be they what they might in exchange for certain items that you are peddling like for like. Let me tell you where I get. I get three things. Sorry, I get three things that fucking great. Okay. All right. So first of all, are these children necobones, right? Children necobones. Yeah, goblins. Fucking terrified of children.

58:52Necobones. Throw these fuckers at a goblin and they'll bounce every time. There's like a fucking like 90% chance goblins. It's fucking these things. Question or goblins real. Very important question. They are. Are goblins afraid of the undead of any species? I only give shit about the undead. It's fucking children's bones. They round out. Fucking freaks them out. Well, I'll just say. Children are incredibly terrifying. Hull up. Mag, meta. Whatever you are. Molly hatchet. Molly hatchet. Hull up. Do we need something to scare off goblins if we're going to an agropless? All right. What else do you write? Hold on, hold on. Do I know if they're goblins in the woods? I mean, there aren't not goblins in the woods. Yeah. So children are obviously objectively terrifying. And look if we don't use them. Maybe you could branch out and like I don't know what's your flowers on there. Let's hear the two other options. I love to get to do these hell's pitches.

59:54All right. So we got the teeth of St. Broderick. Yes. They were all in you. These things. Fucking holy shit, man. Okay. We don't need to hear this third one. Does St. Broderick break the fourth wall? And like going into the woods. The site broderick a diol whenever he walks. Hi. Do the teeth of St. Broderick. I tell you what. These teeth are ferrous. They're precious metal. Oh. Excellent. Excellent. Boo. All right. Right. You started it. Hey, I throw them out there and hope you guys do something better with it. Fucking alley-oop. Servant spike. Out. All I'm saying is, these things are holy. I don't know. You're going to an acropolis. That's a dead. I got some holy teeth. Do they do something?

1:00:54Yes. They look fabulous. I know that. But look at them. I'm asking if there's a practical use in addition to the cosmetic. This motherfucker's holy shit. And I think so like holy things, right? Yeah, but do they not like it? Like they're going to attack us? Or do they not like it? Like working? All they know is you fucking see a Dracula out there. You do the cross-sign with your fingers and you fucks off, right? Yeah. Teeth. Holy works. Skeletons. Same shit, right? Yeah, I think I'd rather have St. All I fucking agree with that sentiment. Well, that's fair, but you know the whole thing about the teeth. You know if you plant dragons teeth, you get Skeletons. So I'm not convinced that if you have St. Teeth, they just run away. Skeletons like teeth. Well, we'll see. We'll find out. Skeletons are empty. You don't know they like them or not they can't eat. You don't necessarily like where you came from. If I saw a giant scrotum appear, I would have would run away. That's fair enough. So with most people, I, in last, but not least, I got this piece of paper, right?

1:02:00Oh shit. All right. It's covered in drawings of teeth, runes. I guess, I don't know. I can't fucking read, but it's a piece of paper and people are like, oh, it's a piece of paper. How much? Can I see the piece of paper? Tell you what. Look, we have some very fine wares and here's, here's what we're proposing. We propose a trade with some of our perfumery for one to three of these items. Yeah, we'll give you two perfume. You give us those items and then you get to be a perfume merchant instead of a... Yes, I look, look, this is top notch perfume. You see this guy and Meg's just kind of like thumbs behind her. She does not point at a specific one just to her as we enter. This guy used to be a stinking nothing. A stinking nothing. She's pointing at scrumptious. And now just smell them.

1:03:03Wonderful, right? She like reaches behind to try and tap, who has ever behind her like, here, belch for him. You stick your hand directly into scrumptious like donkey diaper. All right. I tell you what. I gave you the piece of paper for one of them's perfumes, but that's all I want. Everything else got to be money. How much for the teeth? How much for the teeth? Five bits is over for the teeth. Yes, done, sold. Right, and I want 15 for the knuckle bones. Oh, well, all right. Fuckin' I, yes, I didn't realize we could... This was gonna be so easy. I thought they would be more expensive. Honestly, our perfume is worth more than this. We are happy to... Listen, I'm gonna pay you what you want. Hey, meta. Yes, yes, all of. You've been fucking tremendous. The teeth are on me. Thank you, friend. Out of my 70...

1:04:03Wait, are you saying I may have your teeth as well? After I'm dead, of course, I don't care, but that doesn't mean you get to kill me. No, no, no. If you kill me, you don't get to have more teeth. I would never dream of such a thing. My beautifully chopped, choppered friend. That's the adminterer's code. What you up? All right, so basically this is gonna be 20 silver and one perfume for everything. Yeah. All right, yeah, I'm just gonna pay that out of my shit. I'll toss in one of my perfumes. You know what? Because I got two. I mean, we just kind of piled him in the wagon, but like... He fishes to make a magnet in a straight gesture. Listen, look, I like it to be the big man very often. Just let me have this, all right? I mean, okay, but here... Can I see that piece of paper when we get it? It's all yours. Okay, thank you. And she kind of like posit you and tries to slip one of her perfume and plasks in your pocket. He accepts.

1:05:04Without complaint. Listen, by the way, I'm gonna do you one better. Your hat. Your hat. I got it, isn't it? I had some burden for whatever of a... Well, listen, now, it's called a miter. Oh, fuck. It's a miter. All right. Right? That's pretty cool. I'm glad you told me that. That one's my gift to you for being such a pleasant and distinguished gentleman as you are. Oh, man, I'm covered in shit. And you're the first guy that's ever actually bought anything for me, so like... We're square. I appreciate it. And the fucking cool man. Hi, are you a miter? Molly, I... Molly don't believe in anything. I believe in five bits for a hand job if you want to give it to me. Wait, do you pay him to give it to me? No. God no. Molly. I know me. Molly, I'm gonna tell you something confident, sorry. You lean through a close so no one else can hear him. I don't believe in any of this shit.

1:06:06Yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid of any of that. Yeah, we're simpatico. Gotcha. My friend with your hat, knowing that it is called a miter, I know a spell that you can work with your hat. Oh, man. What you got? If you can... If you can fashion it into a pen and then fashion it back into your hat, it becomes a sword because the pen is miter than the sword. I can't do that. If all of you didn't have swords, I'd probably trade through them. Go on saying. Last, fair and equitable and I'll support you in this initiative. It's a fair cut. All right. So we got the knuckle bones, we got the paper and we got the tea. The tea, of course. All right. I'm gonna... I give our friend the merchant with the Pope hat and the wheelbarrow. The wheelbarrow, 20 silver and a bottle of perfume. Yes.

1:07:06And then I give Meg the paper, I give the teeth to meta. And I guess I give the knuckle bones to... I hang on to knuckle bones. Nice. Cool. The perfume that he received is the Chanel 69, nice. Nice. And the noise, gives it a sniff and goes... I like the way it's small already. The teeth, do they have any mechanical thing or are they... You will find out when you use them. All right. What does the paper look like? Well... Can I read it? Hmm. You are familiar with scrolls. I have one anyway. I mean, you are familiar with them or not. All right. Romeo D10. Okay. Do I add anything to it or just a straight D10 roll? No, it's just going to tell you what is the scroll. Gotcha, gotcha. It is an unclean scroll by the way. Ooh, I got one. You have Psalms open the southern gate.

1:08:06A ball of fire hits D2 creatures dealing D8 damage per creature. Nice. Oh, Roy. Fire hits. Okay. D2, yeah, I've totally never killed a character by doing a fire ball in an enclosed space. So, watch out for that one. All right. I have done that. That is the thing I have done. I was there. I saw it briefly. You said it. What was the damage? It was the three-footed one D8. D8 per creature. D8 per creature. All right. So I guess, unless... I mean, he's already like fucked off down the road. Do y'all have anything else you want to do before? I want to ask him if he's encountered anything dangerous between... If he's coming from the other direction, right? Yeah, he's coming from the direction that you're headed. Yeah. Have you encountered anything dangerous between here in the Haiti and Grave? Jesus, every fucking day. I mean, look around. You, man, they look the fuck around you.

1:09:07It's... I mean, I don't know. I haven't been stabbed yesterday. All right. The woods look sketchy. I mean, they always... Yeah. The JDS woods, what they're called. Man, I don't know. I mean, been hearing a lot about bandits and... Just all kinds of weird shit out there. So, I mean, travel at your own risk, right? I mean, that's what it is. In exchange for your vice-counsel, I must inform you that... There are also numerous crows in the direction you headed. Fucking dinner. One less than that was before. Ah, yes, hold up. He probably... He probably dangles his dead crow. Oh, fuck. I get to mark... Yeah, no, I've got three days... Well, I guess, okay, it's been a day. So I still only have two days. Yeah, I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... Okay. All right. Ah, in the spirit of the occasion, I would like to ask if there's any possibility that I

1:10:07might employ this sling on any vile co-vids that we have with on our way to the forest. Yeah. I mean, I think there's a lot of people who are going to be a crow, fuck, and have at it. It is violence on sight. That is your character trait. Fantastic. Do I see any crabs? Not presently. Go damn it. Words got around. You remember this, those crows. They don't forget. They are fiercimally intelligent creatures, which is one of the reasons I like them so very much. Sorry, I said that in his voice, and I should have said that in my voice because I like them. It's okay, Olaf. I like them, too. I know they were mean to you. You've got to get over this. I'm getting the scrumptious donkey. You know we can cut off your leg and you wouldn't have to worry about the child in the woods. And then you have a femur, but you can't cut off the doomed Addy's leg because then you don't get a femur in game because you have to take me to the hospital. Yes. I mean, not if we cauterize the wounds.

1:11:08I mean, the game is making you all morbid. You can't be femoral artery. No, I know, I understand. Not if we don't care if you die. All right. Well, that's great. So it's mort board. I feel like we should at least wait for some kind of election here to do wait. It's always an election here. The most important election of our lifetime. Oh, God. All election years are in space, Christen. Oh, God. I don't want to live in this timeline anymore. Oh, right. So as y'all are continuing down the path, it is becoming the early evening. So far it's been like as always, another fairly fucking, just a great, easy day. Beautiful day in the neighborhood. But as the...

1:12:09I annoy everybody by being that guy who's like, this is my weather. I love this weather. So you're calling in real life. Exactly. But do you wish to have a cup of steaming tea and possibly a fire? Nope. You just enjoy the weather for its own sake. I just like that everybody else is miserable. Ah, now I see. You're one of those prick-knitists. As the days approaching evening yet again, you encounter another traveler on the road. I will travel a valmet. What does the traveler look like? As a gun. A lot, Q, already. It's going well. Can't you see how well it's going? He is... Oh. He's not a horse. He's got a dark cloak on.

1:13:11Pretty... It seems intentionally you can't really see his face. Does he have a sword? Dengie. I mean, you don't see him popping up out of his hood and you don't see like bumps in his hood or anything. Can we smell him over the smell of our own perfume? No, he seems pretty intent on keeping a low profile. Or a... Traveler, I have discreet business I must discuss with you. Hmm. Will you step aside with me? I mean... Yeah, fuck away, you gotta say. If you pay me six silver, Molly will choke you off the morts. Yeah, that's tempting, but... How about instead of that... My favorite is that you all did inflate it if I won. And... Go ahead and roll a defense because you drew him away and he tried to stab you. Okay. Oh shit. Uh... Oh.

1:14:11I'm still used to rolling 2d6. Okay. Defense is a... That is a... Paying E.17. Oh! Okay, you notice as he pulls the dagger from this cloak and goes to stab you, you are able to push his hand away and we are going to roll initiative. All right. Initiative is... It's grouped always. I will roll a d6. One to three. The enemies begin four to six. You begin. We can roll individual... No, let's initiate if he wants you, but it seems kind of silly. Uh, that is y'all starting. All right. How far away did you go off to the side? Just a discreet like couple steps. Gotcha. As the heavy armor guy, I think I should jump to the melee, but I think one of you should spend your turn making sure this dude doesn't have allies hiding out by the roaders.

1:15:13I'd say that would be a presence role if you'd like to check on that. Um, Olaf, how are you at presence? We've been around each other for a while. Well, if I had to express it numerically, I'd say I'm plus zero. Ah, yes, you're young eyes. I thought you were. I thought you were. I am much better suited to thinking around behind someone and giving them the old. All right. A lotful good. A lotful, yes. The old lotful good. All right. That's a night, teen, old, vada for a presence role. There are any of these other fuckers looking about. You notice a large stomp off the side of the road that looks suspiciously like an excellent place to hide someone if you can ambush. And you happen to see just like a bit of cloak sticking out from beside the, uh, the trunk. So you're aware that there is another bandit behind there. Olaf points out and goes, oh, I stumped cunt. Bing, bing, bing. That's two.

1:16:13All right. He realizes he gets made and he stands up. Uh, fuck you. Okay, you're going to leap into the fray. Well, you're right by the guy now. Yeah, you go first. So I'm going to, um, holding, holding the guy's knife to the side. I'm going to unfurl my scroll. Mm-hmm. Oh my goodness. Yeah. My neck rebels darkness visit your vision. Cloud your eyes. Give you cataracts and migraines. And sometimes when you're driving, you think you're seeing something in front of you, but it's actually a floater. I'm actually past 16. Oh, it's, yeah, 17 presence over 12. So yep. Um, oh, um, so they have to, they have to make a D. Oh, yeah, our present are not.

1:17:13Oh, yeah, I was going to say go ahead and roll the presence D for just to see how many times you can use it today. Yep. Uh, once. Okay. Well, you used your one today. Okay. All right, what was the scroller? Did you just get used up? You keep it. Oh shit. Um, so yeah, so, uh, this, so these, this guy and the other guy have to make a, uh, DR 14, um, check where they are blind. Got you. And oh, no, no, or they fall asleep. I'm sorry. Here. Um, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, they said DR 14. Mm-hmm. They do not have a modifier. Uh, one is definitely asleep. Um, and the other one is still up, which, which one falls asleep? Uh, the one directly in front of you, he gets the full brunt of the incantation. The, uh, unclean, uh, energy radiating out from a catch-ism and he slumps to the ground.

1:18:19Nice. Uh, Molly, would you like to do the honors? You're, you're, you go ahead. I'm, uh, I'll go after the one that's still awake. Gotcha. Uh, you want to charge over there and try to hit him? Yeah, I jump out of the wagon, rush at him with my short sword. Gotcha. Uh, I assume D20? Yep, D20, it is a DR 12 plus, uh, strength. Uh, 17. All right. Nice. That is a hit. What's your damage? D4. Okay. Uh, now just D4. Four. All right. Uh, he looks like he took a fucking gnarly stab, but he is, uh, not dead. So yeah, uh, mags is going in the same direction as, uh, Molly. And she's gonna like, slink to the back. I, my guess is that, um, uh, which McCollard isn't a thing. Uh, oh, yeah, like, liking. No, I mean, the, uh, the modifiers are, I mean, you roll above a 12 and you hit.

1:19:23Cool. Well, for flavor. Yeah, no, she's gonna like, she slinks behind. She's like, mama's gonna get her a femur. And she's gonna stab at the dude's kidney. Cool. Uh, going and rolling. All right. D20 plus strength. Cool. That 20. Yeah. Uh, there's actually a crit table. So let's, uh, try to remember. Okay. Page 29 is our crit. And while he's looking that up, that is the sound of unofficial podcast sponsor gotta get up to get down. Cheers. Cheers. Hey, I know that thanks, beer. We're too problematic for you guys to really sponsor us, but, uh, why's Baker? If you ever want to get froggy, mm-hmm. If you want to cope with the despair and nihilism induced by a dying world, gotta get up to get down. Yeah. It's coffee and beer. Mm-hmm. It's a breakfast beer.

1:20:24It is a breakfast beer. Dude, there was a brewery that we went to growing up. Lafayette Brinco and they had a bunch of, they had like a page on their menu of all of these different things that like famous people had said about beer. And one of them was beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore. I don't remember who said it, but I just always think about it. Kristen, how would you like to do it? You rolled double damage on a crit. Oh, yeah. Okay. So she like scampers, like old lady scampers up. I guess theoretically, if you roll a one, you would do two damage and you may not be dead. But I mean, if you, if you're a roll one, I guess. See if you have a, see if you're a roll one, I guess. Let's see if you're a roll one. Yeah. Did you roll a one? She rolled a one. This man used, like creep up behind him and jab at him. Yeah. So you do, he turns and the knife catches him like in the fucking eye. Oh, and now he's just flailing with his short story. She was going for the lower back. Oh, so like, I'm going to say she was going for like a kidney shot.

1:21:26So the knife, like instead of it going into like full on soft tissue, it, he turns and she ends up like great, like going into the rib cage. Yeah. So like, just me, it's what you got. It's, it's out. Like it's painful. It's not like a full on. Well, he is, he is fucking rough man. He is just bleeding profusely. He knows that this is fucking it and he's going to go down swinging. Um, I, I would like to say to him, when you die, we're going to eat you. Show me a move. I do the same fucking thing. Man, may I, um, may I do a well actually moment? Yeah. Would he not make a moral check? He would. If he didn't have one hit point left and was flailing his arm, show me a movie. I want you to know, slice in up eyeballs. I want you to know. Crown is so groovy. I want you to know.

1:22:27Don't know about you, but I want to be a debater. Well, he just says that to the donkey and the donkey's like, I know. This is the dark, does the donkey part once or twice? The donkey doesn't do anything. The donkey doesn't appreciate the pixies. All righty. I feel like you're really judging. I feel like you're really like, you know, gatekeeping the pixies for scrumptious here. Scrumptious is a violent femsen. You all have result. Yes. Yes. Yes. Um, I would need. Wait, did you? Yeah. I mean, you kind of, kind of, okay. I mean, it seems like everything's under control. But like if I can do something, I guess I'll go try and stab this guy. There's a wounded animal that's flailing at us. I mean, hit him with one of your rocks, man. Or come here and join the stabby party. Uh, that should five to hit.

1:23:28You do not all do not hit him. The, uh, the rock pings, the, like a resounding thud from the hollow stump, which like if you were aiming for the stump, it would have been really fucking satisfying, but you weren't like, oh, sorry. Now, um, this dude in his, uh, final throes is going to lash out behind him with his, and uh, I would need you to make a defense role, which is going to be a D12. Who? Everybody? Are you, you stabbed him? He's pretty mad at it. I mean, he's swinging at you. He got stabbed by the person in front of him too. Yeah, but you would, you would stab at both of you if he could have multiple actions per turn. Okay. So, um, it's a deep, yeah. It's a D20 damage rating 12 modified by your agility. Okay. So, my agility is plus one, and then my light armor says minus D2 damage. Yeah, that's, yeah, if it hits you, it's minus D2. Okay. I'm going to roll this until you the number and you tell me. Okay. Yeah, you just have to beat it 12. I did not. All right.

1:24:28I get a seven total. So you're going to take a D4 of damage, um, plus special. So if it does damage to you, if it doesn't do damage to you, I'm going to say you're armor blocked it and it, you don't get affected by the poison, but if it does, then. So you roll a damage and I'll roll my light armor. It's a D2. So I've got this, um, cave loot is the two and cave loot is the two set. What is it? One and two or zero and one or what? One and two cave loot is the two side. All right. Cave loot it is. Uh, you do take one damage. Cool. You're going to affect it by the poison, um, roll a D10 plus your toughness because if you pass, sorry, it's a DR 10 modified by your toughness. If if you pass, then you're not poisoned. Yeah. 20. Yeah. 20. Yeah. Sorry. I said the wrong thing. Okay. Cool. Well, it's a street. 15.

1:25:28All right. You are not poisoned, but you take one pointed damage. Cool. Cool. And that's it. This guy's dead. Is has his neck being his jugular is being caught on by a rat. He will be dead shortly. I suppose. Um, yeah. I mean, you won the fight unless there's something you want to do with these dudes or anything around. Um, my chance. Uh, we've only got a few days of food. I say well, we have a few days more now. Let's strip them. I will also let you know that, uh, it is common practice for bounties to be placed. And in the game, uh, creatures, uh, sometimes have a, uh, silver value. Um, and so, uh, these guys are, you know, Rhodes gum. Uh, dead are worth between 20 and silver, uh, 70 silver and captured are worth, uh, between 50 and 120. Wow. Okay. Um, when you say dead, can we just do their heads? Yeah. I mean, you don't have to hold a whole fucking corpse around. Do we want to take this, uh, sleep and dude before the rat kills him?

1:26:30Think him in alive? Nobody has rope unless that's, do we have rope? Nobody rolled rope. Okay. But he's got clothes, right? Um, well, I assume we're wearing a toy. We can toy him up with the clothes of the other dead guy or his own clothes or his own clothes. So here's, I think Molly, you're on to something. But we're not headed to town right. Well, but here's the thing. If we run into someone who will give us some money for him, I can get more if he's alive. And if not, if at some point we need to, uh, you know, shove out something and run the other direction, well, we've got this guy. Okay. Ah, you'll make a good point. Uh, uh, pretty, pretty please save your nines for a more opportune moment. But look, this, this one over here, he has almost all his teeth. Uh, neither one of them will have the teeth for much longer. Oh, God. He's taking the life. What's teeth? Of course. He won't need them. All right. I'll check that hollow stump because that seems like you saw it plays people hard things.

1:27:30Okay. Loot the bodies for sure. Even the live dude doesn't need to keep any weapons or anything useful. Nope. All right. One of you that uses a knife should take that poison knife. I would love a poison knife if nobody else wants it. Oh, you go and take your love. Yeah. Uh, I will say it is like currently poisoned, but it's because poison has been applied to it. Not that it is like constantly poisoned. Fair enough. How long does poison last? I mean, is it like one stab kind of like you got you got nicked. Yeah. So you probably have like another good use out of it. Okay. I mean, I'm into it. Um, right. And there's a there's a fun corpse plundering table sweet corpse plundering table. Um, so you're checking both of them out. Yeah. Yep. He finds a dice roll. Yeah, because I need to roll at the 66 and oh, just I don't physically have one of them. No, no, no. It's a D6 and a D6. Oh, yeah. It starts at 11. You're right. So one is the 10s is it one's this one goes to 11.

1:28:32Yeah. All right. That is a 56 for one of them. Fellers. And you find two weighted dice on his body. Oh, nice. Oh, lovely. And the other guy has. That is a 36, which is a tortured pixie with torn off wings. And gouge it out eyes. Hmm. I don't want any of that. I want the tortured pixie, but I don't want to take too many things. No, I don't think you have competition. I'll take the weighted dice if nobody else wants them. I will I will roll against you for them. Rort you are. What are we rolling? Okay, you you use your dice. I will use mine. Very well. No, no, you use the weighted dice. No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, mate. That was my joke. Pike is serious. Slame. All right, very well. All right. Let us roll.

1:29:3426. You shall be a party to this. Eight. Seven. Oh, well, you can't win them all. Can you, me love? All right. I got two weighted dice. I'm sure those will come in handy. All right. A question on the tortured pixie. It's still alive. Was it like a mummified? I think it's a corpse, yeah. Okay. It doesn't like specify, but it's like in a pocket with no wings or eyes. So I mean torture doesn't necessarily does you know? Yeah, I for the sake of my own not. Psychy? Yeah, it's already dead. I mean, it's a terrible world. It's okay. So one of those ones, and if you soak it in water, it will come back to life and also swell. Oh, actually, that was a sponge alligator. Well, if you squeeze it out on a sandwich, it'll make the sandwich delicious. Yeah, get some pixie dust.

1:30:34To be perfectly honest, I was hoping to let it continue drying out and then, you know, snort it, turn it into powder and snort it. Yeah. I heard right, right, right. I heard many good things about pixie dust. Yes. So this way you were quoting those lyrics to your donkey earlier. Oh, I don't know, maybe it's totally possible. This is my donkey's cultured animal appreciates the finer things. Well, so we have a prisoner. You take his teeth now or no, no, no, no, no, it totally wakes up. I cannot go back in time. So I have already taken the teeth. Okay. So you've got all the teeth. I'm just going to be a Frenchman. Is it being sort of a creepy German man? No, no, no, I am dealing. I am shuttling around various places in Northern Europe. All right. Look, if we're going to get it people for not having a consistent voice, then like, I don't know if I can sit here. Yeah, no, I'm fucked. I need a Swedish metal game. I need to give somebody a really cool Swedish metal guy voice.

1:31:37I wish I met him. That Peter was here. He would fucking nail this. He's a Swedish man. Yeah, he'd just have to talk normal and he'd be like in character. Damn. I'm tying that pixie to the belt. So it's now something that like people can see her carrying. All right. Wait. Do you have a professional little tiny noose? No, I mean, I assume that it's in a bottle. If it's not in a bottle, I'll put it in a... It didn't say, but you can put it in a bottle. Okay. Well, if it's not in a bottle, I just assumed that it came in like a medicinal bottle kind of thing. So, baby, I'm a tortured corpse. Ooh, kind of snort me the right way. But it's the Swedish metal cover. Or I'm sighing pretty baby. La la la via daway naibé. I'm going to continue with the pixies until we find a use for this item. That's fair. At the conclusion of this day, unless you'll have other business, you find yourself upon

1:32:40the edge of the shady-ass woods. For a real question about rations, since those are I think, how bad is cannibalism here? I mean, this is like a... This is a... Everyone does what they got to do. These two brigands were wanted for like some real fucking heinous shit. But generally, it's just like a... You're out on the road. Nobody's around. No one in town is going to judge you if one of the guys doesn't come back with you. So important question for the group. Mm-hmm. I have no objection. Not for at least one more day. Well, I'm saying, do we... The fellow that we... What we killed. Mm-hmm. Do we go ahead and butcher him before he leave? Or do we just say... Just throw him on the wagon. When you shoot a duck, you do not immediately pluck and slice the duck. You hang it for a while. Adding one dead guy to my inventory. Oh, yes. Take the... Let's... We don't have to make the moral decision here.

1:33:41Other bandit. Yeah, how long... You can't have any of my food. Do you want me to cut off this dude's legs and you can eat something tonight? I'm going to have him make him or I'll check. Okay. Same's reasonable. I'm going to have to find the page that he was on again. And if you have some, then I'll also have some. I don't want to look like a pig. I don't want to be the only one eating. But we're all in agreement. Nobody eats the brains, right? That's genius. That is genius game playing. Alright. That's that presence nine. I've got good etiquette. Oh, nice. Hell yeah. Quarterly. Do you have the highest presence of a song? Alright, I think so. We're going to roll this Mofo's morale. My guy was a pal. Oh shit. Yeah. He has just absolutely given up. He looks at you. He looks at his dead friend and goes, fuck and I don't care. I don't know. It's not a no. It's not a no.

1:34:42Eat him. I'll eat him. Sweet. I'm going to be hanged in town as soon as you take me there. We're not taking you to town. Well then you're going to eat me too. No, not necessarily. No, I think so. I think so. Usu is a decoy. Didn't you hear us talking about it? We weren't being subtle. We were talking about the things. A lot of things. Fama horrible. They're not so much likely to eat him. I'm telling you this now so that when it happens you're like, Colin you just pull the DM bullshit move. Every single morning I'm going to roll and we're out for him and if he succeeds he's going to attempt to escape. Oh that's interesting. Oral. I actually want to tell him like the balls in your court regarding your future because we're heading into a dangerous place and if you can prove yourself to us then you're welcome to join the crew. Yeah, it's tempting. That wagon has spots for to be subverting to pull it so. All the perfume you can drink. All right.

1:35:43I hitch me up to the wagon. No. I'm saying you could be promoted to that. You're from bait. From bait to beast of bird. Yeah, he nice. He just sort of kind of bottles up and just does whatever you say for now. I like that in a villain. All right. So he's tied up with his own cloak and I think we're going to try to camp right? Yeah, I think that makes sense. All right. So just a point of order. It's about five after 10. So just so people are aware. I'm very well. I'm good also. I'd like to get through the woods which will be like another day. I want to get as far as we possibly can and if this can be a single thing that's fantastic. If not, we'll split it up into multiple parts because like we don't have enough buffer that I can be like let's do this again. That's fair.

1:36:43Such has happened just yet that I would be like yeah one shot over. No, 100% fair. I just want to. I'm not. I'm pulling on I do so I'm good for staying. Cool. All right. Well yeah. Y'all are camps out on the edge of some shady-ass woods and I mean keep a watch if you want to. You don't have to definitely want to. I would like to try to sit up. If there's a tree that's not too terribly hard to climb up, I want to try and sit in a tree. Yeah. You can do that. I would say that's. That's. Yeah, I'd say that's not even like a thing that you need to roll. Okay. I want to stand nearby and laugh at the old lady calling the tree. You do have to roll for that one actually. It might not be funny. Do you want me to do to you what they did to this pixie?

1:37:43Romeo and I, Lism. All right. That's a D20. Twelve. It is exactly at the cusp of success level, funny. Nice. I would like to set pretty to watch as I sleep. Okay. You can do that. Two scary around. And knit me on the nose. If anything happens. And then as I'm settling into sleep, I am fascinating the teeth from our brigand friends. Nice. Actually, I start with St. Brendan's teeth. I want to make a fascinating. Oh. I heard. I'll keep watch for part of the time. Is that a presence role? Yeah. To see if you notice anything happening. Okay. And also just. And as Kristen healed the hip-weat. You do. Actually, you heal a D6 for a good night's rest or a D4 for just taking a breather. Cool. Roll day 16.

1:38:43Flat. All right. If something happens, then you will know about it. Word. Speaking of which, I need a good. A good number to see if something happens or not. Let's. Hmm. I mean, do you want the first edition of D&D rules? Yeah. Why not? In a bear and wasteland, it would be one on a D8. Okay. If there's a lot of traffic, which we're on a road, it would be one on D6. Hmm. And we're forest, which might have more. All right. Yeah. Good. Uh, resoundingly and shockingly peaceful night. Camps out on the edge of the. I was going to try to think of a name for it, but it's a shady-ass woods. The boss. It doesn't have a name. It's just a generally regarded as sketchy place. Um, everybody marks the food down one. Yeah, Mark the food down one, and I will roll to see if the world ends.

1:39:49I didn't roll a one. I was really hoping to. I'd be more interesting if I did. Um, I'm not going to mark my food down, because I'm eating the bandit leg. Oh, you're going for it already? Does that mean that you, you add a femur to your equipment? No, I give the femur to the crone. Oh, my gosh. Uh, that is more. Molly, truly you are a prince among men. It's true. I was a prince. Don breaks. Uh, you're in the middle of, but you're on the border of just deeply fog shrouded woods. You know that if you had northeast, it's going to be about half a day to the mouth of the. Uh, hidey engrave. Awesome. Yeah, I'm, I'm into following the wooded paths. Stay, stay the course here. We are committed. Um, I would suggest since this is a dangerous place that we come up with a traveling order. Okay. And that, um, we have that no one rides on the wagon, unless they need to, except for

1:40:53the dude. And then that way we're all sort of ready to spring into action. Yeah. Olaf has a ranged weapon. Are you going to use your sling first before you do? I will. Then why don't you be on the wagon with the prisoner? That's a good idea. Olaf showing the wagon. I'll lead the way. He's continuously just like swinging his sling around. I'll, uh, I'll go to the right. I'll walk along the right side. Okay. And, uh, I will bring up the rear and like, and are we traveling? What kind of pace are we traveling at? Like a slow walk, like a fast walk, like, about the speed that takes a day to get to the Haiti and grave. I would say, um, as right as we're at half a day, half a day. I will say that it is a path of sorts, but it is densely overgrown. And at this time of morning, just like, milky thick with fog. Okay. Because what I'm thinking is the reason I ask pace is also, um, Maggie is not a super

1:42:00spry old woman. She's, you know, at a comfortable pace for the party. She'll like, keep a hand on the back of the wagon, but she's keeping an eye on the rear. Every like hour or so, I want to check the restraints on the prisoner. Okay. Cool. That's good call. Make his morale safe now. All right. Um, Colin, can I get a presence? Are you certainly care, my friend? 18. You hear distinctly nearby. Ah, I just heard an unpleasant noise sounded sort of like, ah, is that anything to you? Sounds like a crew to me. I mean, I feel like I'll know what crow sound like. Wait, it could be a J. Listen, maybe it wasn't magpie. How dare you malign the loveliest of the cool vids? Look, um, does that sound mean anything to me?

1:43:04Sounds like a crow. Fucking hell. I mean, alternately it could be a raven. You know, a lot of people think those are the same things, but they're actually very different. Listen, I'm just saying that if everybody is going with a gartheme and you show up in a pastel blue sweater, you're the asshole. All right. I think that makes you the coolest one in the room because you're the most unique. He drops a stung into his sling instead of going. Um, Molly, can I have a presence role as well? You're, um, are you in the front? Yeah. Okay. 14. Got you. You notice, um, like a rapid, like, scampering footstep down the path and you see, um, dumblings, sort of a hunched figure. You can catch a glimpse of, you know, scraggly hair and maybe what looks like, what might be a large sticker or a spear or something. Nice. In the words of the baby protagonist from Lucas talking lunch.

1:44:07Yes, that's right. Because if we eat the goblins, it's not cannibalism. Yeah. You said baby was talking about titties. Oh, well, have you ever seen titties walking around on two legs? I have. Yes. Well, that's, that's weird. I feel like you should maybe that's, you have some problems with your mother figures. In the Bergen crypt, they have a, uh, uh, uh, titty walkers that, uh, uh, uh, uh, there's a terrifying sight to behold. Unless you're a toddler or younger, uh, since you were maybe, we're into that. We don't kink shame. Um, this doesn't catch you as a surprise. But, um, oh, go ahead. Yeah. Roy, you can go ahead. Roy, I was going to tell you where they are, but I could not. No, no, so I tell you where they are. Yeah. There, um, three goblins that are approaching from the right hand side of the path. Uh, and then there's the one that, uh, Molly noticed that scampered across the road

1:45:07that is directly in front of you. Are the three that are approaching on the right, uh, like out in the open, like, walking towards this openly, uh, not yet. There's still huddled, um, like in the brush at the side of the road. Hmm. You know, I, I know the obvious thing is to fight them, but, um, do you, do you guys think maybe we should ask if they want some perfume? Nope. Okay. Um, uh, some, some children bond knuckles. Oh, that's right. We have the very terrifying children's bone knuckles. Did you hear that goblins? We have the knuckle bones of children. Uh, they do not understand human speech, but you do get to go first. Who's got the knuckle bones? Oh, a doe. Why don't you throw one of them and you're slaying and chuck at it, a goblin? Um, well, to throw actually a few of them into the sling and sling them the general direction. I love the three. As far as knuckle bones go, you got ten. All right. There's three goblins to the right of the path.

1:46:08So I'm going to put three knuckle bones plus one to grow on into the sling and sling them in the direction of them goblins. You're just kind of like, like shotgun in it. I'm sure to like shotgun in it. Got you. All right. The goblins will need to make a morale save. And if they fail, they will flee, except for the one directly in front. Right. So they have a morale of seven. All right. If I beat a seven on 2d6, they fail. Uh, I got a four. Oh, so one goblins good. Uh, one goblins turns and flees. And the other goblins good. All right. I don't really want to bump deep way. Mm hmm. I'll figure that small turn in there. Yep. I'll rush the one in front. All right. Um, you're going to roll melee. Yeah. Give me the D20 plus strength. Six.

1:47:09Uh, you do not hit. Um, sweet. I got three power uses today. So I will once again read from my Crescent Scroll. My other three, right? Oh, excellent. Do you remember the rules of your scroll? So I don't have flip pages? Yep. All right. Let me get, let me roll a presence check to see if I successfully read it. Ooh, I flood the translation. I don't critically fail. OK. I just say, no, no. Can you get some fun catastrophic magic? Yeah. No, uh, rift in space time opens up. Oh, right. I just, uh, I just verbal my, uh, my translation of the ancient, uh, uh, worm tongue. And uh, I feel dizzy. Oh, actually, uh, I take, uh, D2 HP lost on it. Um, you do. Uh, as far as the, um, a caster who rolls the same result twice on the, uh, the arcane

1:48:15cataclysm, um, explodes in screaming black fire in which the faces of the dead are seen d6 damage each round to everyone else in the party. Oh, nice. Uh, water only feeds this fire. All right. I take, uh, two, uh, two damage. All right. We have left in the order. Um, uh, so. Maggie, the crew, my question is how much can I do? Uh, well, you're in the rear. Uh, you can make it to one of the goblins on the side of the road if you want to mail in. What I want to do is, yeah, I want to mail a goblin. She's going to like slink it and try and shiv him in the back again with the poison dagger. The only other thing that I was thinking of was like tossing the femur to the prisoner in the back and being like, hey, if one of them comes up on the wagon, just beat them on the head. Um, with your friends leg.

1:49:16Yeah. Maybe we'll untie you or something. But if I can't do that second part, I'm prioritizing shivin. Yeah. I would say to do both would be more than a turn, but to rush over there and stab you. I'm going to rush over and stab at the closest goblin on the side of the wagon. Gotcha. Um, and I am going to do that with that poison dagger. So it's, uh, D20 plus agility. Yes, first, uh, yeah. 16 total. Gotcha. Well, then you don't stab the dude. I will say modify best strength, but I'm sorry. My strength is also plus one. Yeah, I don't know. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah. So you don't stab them with your D4. All right. Four damage. All right. And is there any poison left? There is. Uh, he has to make a save which, um, he failed. And now he is poisoned, um, which means he's in fact, which is sort of a long form kind

1:50:18of poison thing. But, um, it's still, I mean, yeah, if he runs away, he'll be dead. Um, and he will be dead in a few minutes, but question about the poison. Mm hmm. And the food situation. Gotcha. Uh, yeah. I would, should you not eat poisoned food or should you just not eat the area that the dagger was specifically? No, you're not supposed to eat venomous food. Yeah, you shouldn't eat something that you poisoned. You also shouldn't eat goblin. Oh, fuck, I forgot. Um, we have a prisoner called the Goblin's Roby Skin Desk Count as armor, so he took two less damage. Oh, cool. Oh, wait. Does that mean we can skin goblins and use them as armor? I don't think it would be as effective as the armor that you've got, but I mean, you could. Yeah. I'm just, I like, I like knowing things about the world. Yeah. I would say goblin leather is probably not uncommonly used. So even if we don't want to eat the meat, we toss them in the wagon, we skin them the next time we make camp and we added a little extra to what we can sell. We are concluding our business as perfume vendors and we are going to be a tannery.

1:51:24The goblin is going to turn and make a quick attack on right. Roll defense, um, which was the D 20, yeah. And his special is that quick attacks are D R 14 instead of 12. What's a quick attack? It's like a reaction. Well, he definitely hits me because I rolled an eight on the die and even if that's modified by something, it's not going to be kind of. Oh, wait, no, that's right. My armor takes two off. He's using a knife as well. So cool. You said your armor takes off two. It takes off one D one D two. Oh, I'm going to do that. It takes off one. Okay, you just take one. Okay, cool. All right. Um, that is the players start. Yeah. All right, got you. The goblin that is further down the road, you ran up on him like you're in melee range. Okay. He is going to attack you if you want to roll defense.

1:52:2416 and then plus two defense rolls from my armor. So 18. Yeah, he can't do jack shit. He, uh, his knife just like pings off of you and he looks at it and goes, the goblin equivalent of fuck. And he turns to flee. That's actually a cognate between goblin and English. Yeah. Yeah. It's the one universal really. And then, um, you're up in the wagon, right? Uh, Olaf. Oh, I am. Uh, the, uh, the, uh, unwounded goblin is, uh, going to charge at the wagon and he's going to attempt to frighten, um, uh, scrumptious and get her to go crazy and, and run off. All right. So we need a morale roll with some such. Yeah. Let's say precious is going to make a morale roll and I'll call her morale like a 10, which if I beat a 10 on 2d6, she'll freak out. But if not, I mean, yeah, scrumptious.

1:53:25Yep. Scrumptious is fine. She's disturbed, but, um, okay. This is in her first rodeo. And then the goblin who has, uh, thus been wounded is, uh, going to scamper back 10 paces and fire his short, uh, short bow at, um, uh, meta flower. Okay. Um, which is the, uh, roll, roll defense. Okay. Uh, that is a, uh, 16. All right. You defend successfully. Um, and that is the gerblins turn. All right. Do we want to just keep going clockwise? Yeah. All right. Um, um, I'm going to jump down off the wagon and attempt to stab this goblin that is menacing my donkey with my knife.

1:54:26All right. You don't get it if you're bad or, uh, roll the seven. You do not successfully stab them. I have the martial ability of most perfume merchants. I feel like they're, I feel like having the, um, that, like, I like that this game keeps things really simple where it's like combat is a flat, like beat a 12 you succeed. Mm-hmm. I do feel like there should be some sort of interesting, like, um, I try to say, like variables of failure, like, like a crit is obviously like really terrible, but a failure that's like a medium bad would be interesting to have. You could always add it. Um, I think about a simple game as you tack on what you want. It's true. I will think of that if we get back to this for a part two. I'll have a fun rule for that. I stab the goblin in the road. Um, I got a 12. That is a hit.

1:55:28For four damage. All right. He is wounded by a blade and is not happy about it. Um, actually, he's going to, uh, go ahead and make a morale. He's taken wounds, one of his buddies done fucked off. He's not feeling great about the situation. But he steals himself and, uh, you know, he's, he's ready to, to come at you. Okay. Did you miss the part where I'm immune to knives? He's not a nihilist. He's a nihilist. Uh, that was, it's not great. No. Well, I mean, what do you expect he's wounded? Yeah. Um, so it's, uh, so there is one goblin in the road that's wounded and one goblin near the donkey that's also wounded. Uh, yes. And there's one, one running away, one ran away in terror.

1:56:34Right. And two stayed with us. Right. And one, uh, is poisoned and about to die. Lamping away. I mean, poisoned it. I don't think that one's run away. I think it's still here. Hmm. One of them backed up. Ten paces used a short bow. Yeah. One of them is in male with me. That's true. But there's three total, right? Yes. Three total. I think the one that was wounded by the poison knife must be the one that used the short bow. I think so too. Okay. Alright. Yeah. Uh, you stabbed him and he's scampered back and shot. Yeah. Uh, I'm going to, uh, also go from the other side, uh, on the goblin that is menacing scrumptious. Okay. That is my meat. Uh, and that is an 18 to hit. You done did the thing. Okay. Okay. For three damage. Yeah. Alright. Alright. He is, he is feeling the burn. Alright. I'm going to go after, uh, the duty scampered away.

1:57:38How far into the forest did he get? Just like a little bit. Yeah. So generally speaking, a round of combat is enough time to cross an average sized room. So I'd say he's, you know, 15-ish feet over the range. So he's within range, but he's not like worryingly into the forest. Yeah. No. Okay. Cool. Um, yeah. So, uh, I'm going to pull out this femur. Hmm. And like, yeah. Double, double hand it. Just running towards the goblin. Bow. Get back here. You won't be skinned little fucker. And she's going to like try and like, baseball bat swing and hit this guy. Hell yeah. Alright. Don't accidentally hit the monolith. I'm going to roll a one. 12 total. I did. That's it. Alright. Um, I'm going to give you some flavor here. Yeah.

1:58:39Because I like what's happening. Um, I'm going to call it a crit. You're going to roll, you're going to get double damage. But the femur's going to fucking explode upside his head. It's just going to shatter. Oh, I like it. Dude was malnourished. He had some like problems with his bones. I'm into it. Okay. So that's a 1-D4. They call him a glass. Cool. I rolled a one. Oh, damn. Well, he takes two damage. And his rupee skin will not save him from blunt force trauma. And I'm just, you know, for the flavor, he's got some little bone slivers. Oh, yeah. Sticking in his little rupee skin. And he's not doing great, by the way. He's, you know, nigh upon death. And as a result of that situation, he's going to see whether or not he runs the fuck away. Which he actually does. I met the 7-7. Nice. Yes, run from my power.

1:59:39Wait, drop your short bow first. And she like doubles over and coughing. You know what? I'll give you that one. He cast aside his weapon and tear and flee. All right. Yes, my friend, flower, meta. I've got something here for you. You know, you're kind of a skinny little twop. Maybe a crossbow will help you. I'm a very co-opulent twop. Thank you. Yes, sure. Short bow. Short, whatever. Crossbow short bow. What do you think I am? Some sort of, I think your bow here. And Goblin's turn, right? It is indeed the Gerbil's turns. Um, turns. Yeah. And then we go, bro. He's doing that. He's going to come at you. He wants to hit me with a defense roll. Oh, four. This would be an opportune time to bring up the topic of omens.

2:00:42Oh. Hit me with it. What you got, Jack? So you roll for a certain number of omens, which you can spend an omens to reroll, lower the difficulty target of a certain role. And you regain them, uh, some other mechanical benefits. But basically, it's like you have, like, Bartik inspiration or inspiration, sweet, that recharge it, Don. Cool. How do we get them? Uh, they every day, every dawn you roll, uh, I think it D2. Uh, every class gains a number of omens. If you play without a class, does every character bands with D2 omens when depleted roll the die again? I've got two omens. All right. I've got two omens. What kind of weapon does this guy have? A knife? Uh, yeah, the Goblins. The D4? Yes. Um, so I'll, I'll list the omens if you would like to use them.

2:01:46Um, you deal maximum damage with one attack, reroll a die, yours or someone else's, uh, lower damage dealt to you by D6, uh, neutralize a crit or fumble or lower one's tests, uh, one tests DR by four. Okay. I'm not going to spend it. Okay. So I, I, I get hit. Okay. Uh, you're going to take a D4, um, but you've got both armor and damage resistance. Yep. And your armor gives you a bonus of two to your defense rolls, right? Yeah, I already added it. Oh, okay. Uh, you take nothing. It was a one on the die. Cool. Yeah, I reduced the damage by five. So I healed three hit points. I heard. And then last guy is, um, you ran upon him. He's going to step back at you. Okay. That's the dude on the donkey. Yeah. Stonky dig.

2:02:47Don't get stuck. Don't get stuck. Don't get stuck. I, uh, block it. All right. You both it. Well, that's, uh, that's the Goblin Stern, which brings us back up to Y'all's initiative. Um, these dudes are telling that they're losing the fight. Um, but still going to try to stab you one more time at the very least. They're hungry. Fair enough. All right, go on. Okay. So then I am going to attempt to stab my new friend who still misses my donkey. Oh, wait. Is it your turn? It is not, but, um, can I get a presence role from you? Actually, you're on top of the wagon. All right. I am going to grow you a presence role. There's going to be a DR 12. I fail miserably. All right. Um, in the midst of the melee, you see, uh, your bandit friend fucking like naked because

2:03:53he was tied up with his clothes. He's, uh, carrying them in one hand and fucking booking it out down the pathway from you all mother fucker. Easy come easy. Yeah. I will, I will say that this happened, honestly, if you want to look at my die, I rolled in 19 and I said to the art 14. That's all right. That's fair. That's fair. Good for him. Well, now I'm really glad I didn't give him his friend's femur. He doesn't have teeth anymore. And I'm having a bad day. It's going to have a hard time. Um, yeah. So you're, you're, it's mac and the gerbil. Yeah, I'll did very badly though. What, what, what, what, that was just the presence role. One day. Yes. All right. So now I'm going to stab this mother. Fuck that dice. Never liked it. Don't know. I'm rolling it. All right. Uh, that is a nine. So nothing. You don't, you go to stab at him and his like ropey ass shoulder.

2:04:56You like catch him right on the corner of it and it just, I say to the garblin, even though it doesn't speak my language, I assume. You are a courageous little goblin. And for the, for your honor, I spare your life. And then I stab it. And I got a 20. Not a natural, I got a 19 plus one accounts. Okay. I mean, I, I don't know that accounts, but accounts in my house. Yeah. I agree that accounts. I mean, I, I mean, I, you played this game before Jeff doesn't, you're the damn. Have you played that way before and does it modify it? That is, but, uh, that may not be as written. That would be just like a convention. Oh, okay. I mean, I don't know if you can, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

2:05:57I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Okay. I mean, I'm fine with it, but that would also apply that if you have a negative one strength, you get a negative one to your damage. Yeah. Right. Okay. I did two damage. Cool. Uh, he is on the cusp of death and, man, he is a courageous little fucking goblin. You're right. Yeah. The respect was real. The, the offers being his life was the total. I mean, we lost our previous intern. Do we offer it to the goblin? Nope. He was going to make a morale save anyway, because he didn't understand you, but he felt intimidated. Makes sense. I also am in awe of your courage and honor. So I will offer you the same deal. And I smack him in the head with my staff. I was thinking of the macho man episode of Powerpuff Girls. You are a good man. Little monkey. I spare your earth.

2:06:57I forgot about that. That's a 16 to hit for four damage. He is dead as dead can be. You conquer over the back of his head and split your little, your ropey skin will not protect you. Ukrainian. Uh, he's facing Stan. So he sees little X's where his people used to be. And a giant lump on top of his head as he's whaizing false to the ground. Little goblin hats with ground. Some little tiny goblin birds tweeting, tortured pixie corpses fluttering. Is there one goblin left? There is one guy left and it is your turn. All right. Um, yeah, I'm going to pick up that bow and haul us back to the wagon.

2:07:58And if I can get in there on that dude, I just don't want to leave the bow in there if it's useful for me. No, yeah, go for it. Um, yeah, I'm just going to, she's kind of huffing and puffing. You know, she spent most of her strength on that run with the femurs. Okay, one more guy. Here we go. Hold still, you little fucker. She like tries to jab in the ribs with her knife, her regular knife, because I assumed the poison dagger is, I mean, it's a dagger. Yeah, it's like, it's a knife that it's no longer poisoned. So yeah, it's, she's jabbing with the dagger. I did not make it ten total. Uh, dag. Um, there's final goblin surrounded. Um, throws his hands up in the air, whales and abandons his weapons and scurries away.

2:09:02You could make an attack on him if you'd like to as he runs, but I don't go. Yeah. To die we show him the world. That's a good goblin whale. It's a, he might go on to put some poor soul out of his misery. So I say we, very well, very well. Um, um, there is, oops, I go ahead. Oh, I was just going to say, obviously harvesting the goblin teeth, but also, uh, I would like to scour the ground near where the knuckle bones landed and see if I can recover any of them. Yeah. Okay, I'd say that that's, uh, presence with a DR of 14. That's going to be really difficult. Okay. Hi. I'm going to go for it. I was going to suggest a, nope, good five. Um, but you can plunder the goblin corpse if you'd like. Yep. I mean, I'm assuming we'll do that as, as a party. Thank you. Uh, and also, um, there was the short bow that you already picked up and the one that ran away, uh, dropped his bow.

2:10:03Okay. Two bows to be had. Yeah. Let's, uh, let's loot some corpses. Yeah. Well, I guess technically there is a corpse. The other ones all kind of fucked off. You broke their spirit. Um, and Jeff, you're taking one of those short bows. Uh, if no one else objects. Nope. And there was another short bow, uh, Olaf. Do you have it? I don't know. Olaf, I don't stick with my sling. I'm pretty good at it. Uh, did Maggie want to grab a short bow? Um, no, I think I've got, I think I've got things under control and like, Pat's a pocket where her scrolls are. Okay. I'll take it, but I'm probably not going to use it. Scrump scrumptious. Do you want it? All right. Uh, bows are a D6 with presents plus tin, uh, you have 10 errors. That's just the starting equipment stats on a bow.

2:11:08So cool. Already, um, you want to plunder the corpse? Oh, you are. Sorry. I'm just reading through some of the things you can get. And some of them are really fun. All right. I'm sorry. I was pretty pleased with the tortured pixie. I thought that was pretty fun. Some of them like actually go back to, to, um, bother y'all and some of them are fun. But I rolled a 34, which is a known and despised witch hunter's face flayed. Oh, why? Is that Rodney? Fuck. It's fucking Rodney. Oh, are you talking about Rodney, the despicable witch hunter?

2:12:14He holds the face up, holds it over his own face. Fucking Rodney. He killed my sister. Well, he killed everybody's fucking sister, didn't he? Well, it's not the worst thing he could do to someone's sister. He came to my village and he totally missed the witch and she killed a bunch of children. I was just, there was so many different ways to be bad at that job and he fucking threaded the needle, didn't he? He did so much harm to so many people. What a prick. I help I meet him someday so I can laugh at his skin this face. You know, I have a great idea. Right. Okay, so what we do is we take this goblin corpse, right? And we know there's not really good eating on a goblin. I mean, look, we've got some human flesh. It's so much better. It's just like pork. But we just take this. It's not down to brains. You'll go crazy. Well, yeah, I did it once and that was enough. But what we do is we take this goblin, okay? And when we have a minute, we taxidermy it in a really rude position and we take all Rodney's

2:13:19face and we just put it right on the goblin and we just parade that around. And don't know if we have time for arts and crafts, but if we should find that we do. I mean, we've got a wagon. Oh, inside of the wagon. We'll find a more appropriate horse. A wagon of accumulating horrors. Right. And perfumes. Don't forget. Yes. Delectably scented accumulating horrors. Rochewa. All right, scrumptious. I'd like the idea that we just keep chucking things in the wagon and someone else finds it later and they're just like, you know, like in your wheel well, in your car, there's just like old wrappers and shit and they just find a dude's face. By the end of the adventure, like somebody finds, after ordered wiped by the, by the crypt vulture, it was marking down wagon inventory. Somebody marked down Rodney's face. Rodney's, I guess, a fucking Rodney. Rodney's face and abandoned corpse. Hey, meta face. Yeah, a present role, a presence role for me.

2:14:20Of course. I'm just going to make a corpse's section. 17. All right. You notice a couple of interesting things from the direction in which the goblins came out of the woods. You notice first what appears to be some sort of shrine. There is a carved wooden figure, which seems to be sort of split vertically between being a like new biomedan and a ragged crone. It's a wooden effigy that's decayed over time, but the general outline is still there. And you can see long dead dried flowers and candles that have not burned in years and years all sort of around the bottom of this altar. And the other thing you notice is a very well-dressed corpse that was hanging out behind

2:15:22where the goblins were. Like hanging out like standing or like suspended, like pushed back into the bushes like slumped against a tree where they'd tried to rifle through its pockets. Okay. Lying on its stomach on a beer skin rug. Hey, everybody. I noticed two things. First of all, I noticed a shrine. I love light. With some sort of two aspect, female figure. And then I noticed also an exquisite corpse and you may be thinking it's a writer exercise that was pretentious from the dataists. But no, this is an actual guy who is exquisite. Oh, look at him. He is exquisite. What kind of, he says well dressed. What kind of, what's he wearing? Like, like, hmm. So he got some like, probably someone that you would think of being as like aristocracy, I would say. Like, so he's dressed like a pedophile.

2:16:26Not like, you know, like a silk, like gown or anything, but definitely like, clothes that are of colors that nobody, you know, can afford and well-made. Not having claimed a treasure yet. I'm going to claim those clothes. I'm going to strip that corpse. You are running up on the corpse. I think you would look excellent in that hosery. Can I get a, those Carly tip shoes, I mean, a presence as you approach the corpse. 18. You notice a bear trap, oh, directly in front of the corpse. All right. And knowing, noticing this, you can avoid the trap. Or you just don't care. No, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to show my hand. So I'm going to step on the bear trap like I didn't notice. I don't want anybody who's watching to think I, no, I avoid the bear trap and I go up to

2:17:30the corpse and I'm like pardon me. And I take the clothes. All right. You have this finery. And also I shake out the corpse, do another little corpse plunder in. Right. I really need to like, okay, here we go. That makes sense. I was going to say I really need to decide which is the tins and the ones before I just throw them on the table. But you find a map to a weak but wealthy family's house. Oh, well, that sounds interesting. Is it, is it a lost house? Hi, it's a lost cousin's house. All right, that fucking cunt. Ding, ding, ding, that's three. That's all I get. It's in the all factory lineage pocket then, Matt. You should get the bear trap too.

2:18:30Yeah. I'll say you have lock picks and a metal file. I would have normally called it a DR 10 to disarm, but since you have the lock picks and the metal bits, we'll call it a DR 8. Okay. And that'll be agility modified. 17. You done did it. You have a bear trap that did not chomp your hand off. All right. Wall these doing that on the end of a stick. I approached the crow. Yeah. But I pointed the, the scrubs are I. You know where? Yes, it's very important. We pay our respects. And I do actually want to go over to the shrine. All right. And take a closer look at it. And you know, surprisingly Maggie is a, she's kind of honoring it.

2:19:37Like she's kind of treating it nicely. Hey Maggie. Yes. See you in Hill. Not if I say you first. Nice. As you approach the altar, you notice a single black pearl right in the middle as a f, you know, placed as an offering. Hey, free pearl. What do I know? Do I know anything about this image? You know that this pertains to a long dead folk tradition. Okay. What is that long dead folk tradition? It's a, God is of both fertility and death. Death? Essentially, yeah. Some like folklore that is like old to the point that like you wouldn't really know specifics other than this just looks like peasant lore. Gotcha. So yeah, she's, she's going to go, she sees the pearl and she is going to kind of like

2:20:38bow her head and mutter something that is inaudible. And then she's going to like looking at that pearl. Is that pearl a useful thing? Is it just a valuable thing? Is it a, I would say, I wish there was like an intuition sort of stat, but I will just go ahead and tell you that I rolled on the table of occult treasures and that is the result was this pearl. So yeah, so she's kind of like eyeing the pearl and using the little prayer time as also thinking time because like she's been, she's being respectful, but she's also pragmatic because that's the world this is. And then after a moment, she's going to untie the pixie. You hear a voice in the back of your head. And so she's, she's kind of like a young and a frail woman at the same time that goes,

2:21:40take it. And take another little piece of my heart now. Go on and take it. Love is a battle. No, take it. She'll just kind of, as you wish, but I would offer something in return and she will take the pearl and replace it with the pixie in the vile. That's sort of gross, but thanks. You are too kind. I just kind of assumed that like he wouldn't want me to just take something. It doesn't say anything. It's really the best. I mean, I guess I could give you some perfume, but to be perfectly honest, it's kind of shit. It's like, I mean, it's mostly urine at this point. We just keep every time the donkey pees, we just put it in the vile and then we like show some flowers in there. Call that Roman tooth-faced. Meta pauses mid-sweeg from the vile and just like sprays it on.

2:22:41Oh, no, don't worry about it. Meta, it's also, we ferment it with the flowers. I mean, I drink it too. Don't tell the others. But yeah, replacing them, I'm going to take that pearl and switch it out for the year. As your hand touches the pearl, you become aware of what it does. You get a clear image in your head. It does its hands. Yes. It's a black pearl. If dropped in darkness, it rolls towards the nearest exit today light. Ooh. I love that. That's handy. It has to be so dark you can't see the pearl. Exactly. It's a matte black pearl. Yes. Yes. But this be a light when all others go out. Are there any flowers nearby? They're the decayed flowers. Are there any growing like in the scraggly woods? Yeah. It would make sense that there's some like lycan and sort of like, trying to think of

2:23:44like what would be like flowering. Touch-wrestled bridges and yeah. There's not like what woman think of as like, you know, a tulip or a rose. So could there be like a stink horn or something? Yeah. There are like typical plants around. There are some like flowering wild plants. Woodsoural. So you probably expect to see if it's like our climbs, you'd expect to see some trillium if it's flowering season. Oxalis. You would probably see some exalis because that's just fucking everywhere. Although less than the wood. Trillium. We're on the steps. May apples. It's probably like wild onion. Wild onion would be. Yeah. With the doora. Maybe some kind of fissile. I'm actually going to fashion a out of goblins teeth, a little rosette that looks like a daisy and then I'm going to grab like one of the more yellow teeth and put it in the middle like a, yeah no more like a daffodil, a toothy daffodil.

2:24:46Oh. Not a dandelion, a dandel goblin, a dental lion. A dental lion. So that is where that is the root of dandelion is dent. Well, that makes sense. Anyway. So, so yeah. So I'm going to fashion a little thing out of teeth and the most yellowed one I'm going to stick in the center and then like a bear vine I'm going to attach to the back of it and spritz it with some of the perfume so it smells nice and lay it on the shrine. Something happens. Excellent. One thing happens. You lose your teeth. We lost that half day of our other antivate from the short term and we all fall in love with you. Okay. I'm going to be honest. I had to google the dandelion dent thing and it's dent-dilion. Yes, of course. So it's tooth, it's lion's tooth. Did you doubt me?

2:25:47I mean, look man. It's one of those things that sounds like flutter by. I mean, maybe, but you are talking to a guy who is a linguistics major for like three years. Yeah, but like you also could have just been fucking with me and been like true. That is equally likely. I mean. Well, you know, at this point that say the goblin ambush happened in the morning and with the like half day travel to get where you're going by the like early evening, you would be at the, at the necropolis if you all decide to book it. I mean, I think it's not a bad idea to just keep going and then rest at the very edge of the forest before going into the necropolis. Yeah, it was for me. Yeah, it is. Which is the Hadean grave. The Hadean grave, yes. Netta looks down at the teeth in her hand and says to no one.

2:26:51She got us, chewy. The whole journey, Olaf is looking for anything he can kill with his sling to get more food. You did hear that earlier. All right. He's got his head on a swivel. I mean, he's not going to leave like the one like donkey path that we can like traverse. You want a little bandit? Sure. You have like some normal food left here. Yeah, but that's for, that's for times gets I've got one day's food left. Yeah, I can know how you saved the best bite on the plate for later. Yeah, yeah. This is going to spoil first. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the bandit tartar is not going to be very good tomorrow. It doesn't reheat well. Okay, so yeah, can he roll presents to see if he season anything? Sure. All right.

2:27:52There's a reminder of the Jack handy. I could eat a dog, but I know I could never eat a dog. Shit, how's it go? Oh, I could eat a dog if I had to, but not a colleague because I don't like the taste of calling. That's pretty good. Yeah, he didn't see shit. Yeah, all right. You're still occasionally haunted by the, the distant crawl. Fucking bastards. Look, if any of you don't say a bird, any bird, but especially a black one, you let me know immediately. Fourth with with color delay. Wait, is this, is this a an avian or, or you're using your colorful English slang? A trolley avian. Can you please roll me a agility, a agility save with a DC of 12. Rort you are, I certainly can.

2:28:53Do not don't. I'm calling that a crack die, but if anyone wants to double check me, throw it in. I'm not gonna. Cool. Natural two plus one, my love. Out of the fucking blue, a black streak from the sky flies directly at your face. Oh, fucking. Get his eye. And it goes straight for your eyes. Why does this always happen? Roll, roll, what does that mean? That would be defenses, the die plus your armor has agility. Yeah, die plus agility. That's going to be a 12 and my armor is tier one.

2:29:53The armor only affects the damage. All right. Cool. So you got a 12. All right. You succeeded in turning your face. You don't lose the eye, but you get gashed pretty roughly across the side of your face. I would like to roll to attack this fucking. Go for it. You'll roll with your sling. I'm presuming. Rort you are. That's going to be modified by agility. I look back from the front of the marching order and I see he's fighting Crow and I just keep walking. Natural 20 plus one for agility. Once again, you turn a Crow into a black puff of feathers. You fucking bastard. Have you guys seen the footage of Randy Johnson throwing that pin? Yeah, that was the one at Ruffin Street. All right, then. I was going to have the Crow streak out of the sky in the middle of the goblin fight and just forgot about it. Well, you're just always in the background just always fighting a Crow.

2:30:58What's that? Oh, it's a fight milk. All right. If you all don't have any other woods business at the beginning of early evening, you'll approach the Haiti and Grave. The woods have shifted in their density. It resembles more of a... You know that the sun is still out, but the dense nature of the woods at this point, everything's in a perpetual state of dusk light at midday kind of situation. Think like a Frank Farsetta, like tarzan painting, big heavy limbs, moss. It's not like quite a jungle, but it's heavier than a forest. Gigantic washes, asses everywhere. Massive. Fucking the tiniest waste and the biggest hips you've ever seen.

2:31:58Usually, a portional waste, but underdeveloped upper body strength. Does that paint some big old babies? Either way. Spine cracking twists. Yes. In the form so you can see both ass and boobs. Oh, shit. I feel the forest. Pouches everywhere. Or a live field, whatever. No, no one has feet. Everyone's feet are divorced. And rising from the middle of a swampy lake appears... What looks... Think of like an Aztec ziggurat. And then with stairs instead of leading up to the apex, they're leading down below the surface. Well gentlemen, we're here. Do we want to proceed or would we like to make camp? I wouldn't mind chilling out for an hour so that we could maybe get a D for rest.

2:32:59Yes, that makes sense. You're looking a little pale. Counter-proposal. Fuck all this. Run from destiny. And just leave. That is always an option. We certainly... Again, we could always go with my plan to just sew that dude's face to the goblin body. Yes, we could go through the town and charge everyone a silver piece to spit on Rodney. Yes, yes, but Rodney whose face has been stitched onto a goblin body. Double, double travel. And we could make him wear a little hat? I like it. But... And I start walking towards the end. Okay, but... Is it totally surrounded by swamp? Do we have to wade through the swamp to get to it? Who is that boat? Is there a boat over there? You're going to get wet. Can we forward this swamp? I mean, if... Organ trail rules.

2:34:00I mean, if you wanted to roll the wagon to the very threshold of this thing, you can. I would say... We'll park the wagon on the side of the water. I would prefer not to get wet if we can make some sort of raft. I'll carry you on my shoulders. I'm big and strong. But in return... Yeah. And this is not sexual. When we get to the other side, I need somebody to check my not-sack for leeches. I think... Strickly medical. I think pretty is probably the best of that. Oh, she loves a good leech. That's fine. I just want to make sure I'm covered. But, pursuant to the request or discussion about resting, I think... I think I met over here. It really is looking a little pale. I feel a bit peeked. Yeah, but if we get on the other side of the water, then we only have to worry about monsters.

2:35:04Over here we might have like bandits. The dude might come back. Oh, I don't think he's coming back. What's he going to do, Bitus? It's just got mustard up, you know? Yeah, that's worse. It's like having your heart dug out with a spoon. Because it's dull you twit. Best robin head. It's not your... It's not the best run. It's a bit though. Okay, well, how about this? What if we sat down and thought about our options for an hour? Okay. Then we charged boldly forward. Do it. All right. Yeah. Anyone who's taken damage roll a D4. Nice. I'm back up to full. Yes. I also am back up to full. All right. I revel in the glory of my three hit points. Are y'all forging on? Yeah, I'm into it. But if we're leaving the wagon and scrumptious here, I want to take Rodney's face with

2:36:06us because I feel like I don't want anyone to steal that. Yeah. Bad. If we make it through this, I just think this is a million silver idea. And I just feel like anyone's going to steal Rodney's face until we're ready. And I think we should just call it the retirement plan. Roll it. Chua. Sounds excellent. And yeah, I'm going to take a little bit of fabric and make a little makeshift bag. Tie that shit up and toss it on my belt. Take it on the face. Oh, face bag. Oh, face bag. All right. Oh, no. Now that we've secured our treasure, our rod IRA. Hey, oh, no. Are you all, are you trying to do something clever? Are you? I'm waiting across the, I'm waiting through the water to get to the other side. Same.

2:37:06Same. I am, I'm waiting across the water, but I am swishing my hands to direct leeches towards the water. Well, I'll put my finger right here by my mouth and I'm like, I hope no small monster has come and tickle me. You're definitely writing, definitely writing Molly. That's you're in luck because the way, the water is like at most like thigh deep. You're not waiting up to your neck and dirty swamp water, but I would like to find me. I would like everyone to roll in agility save with a DR of 10. Okay. I'm good. I am not good. That is a five natural 20 again. 12. All right. So, you slip, you take a step onto a slippery stone beneath the water surface and you go down

2:38:07hard and I would like you to roll a toughness check, a DR of eight. Okay. I hope this doesn't take you out. I better just slip side of rock and swamp. I put a hand on a low and I'm like, don't help him. That's a three. You don't take damage, but you're going to gain the infected status. Oh, nice. I was already right down extra food. I cover up my infected status so that I can let the zombies in. Just assume that you snorted some water when you fell. Now you've got amoebas in your brains. The index in this book is not super great. It's got good shit, but I was going to read for you. Oh, here it is.

2:39:07I found it. They do really cool stuff with fonts and the typography, but it also does make it maddeningly hard to thumb through. That is true. See, it says that it. Okay. Basically, what infection does is an infected character does not benefit from resting. And then you will lose HP daily until you clear your infection. How do I clear my infection? Well, someone has a healing spell. And also, medicine exists. All right. Does anybody else suddenly lack the capacity to process smells? Also, I will say you slipped and pricked your skin against something in a bacteria swamp. You're not going to get sick for three days.

2:40:08Oh, okay. Nice. Does anybody else feel like they're going to lose their ability to smell in three days? Weird question. I had an omen. I want them right. Fucking hate omen. No, I love them. They let you reroll. Oh, well, there is that, I guess. When you put it that way, they're all right. As a y'all approach, the steps of the ziggurat, a translucent figure approaches barring your path. Oh, I love you. Do we recognize the figure? Five bits, same as in town. You hear the gasly voice, why have you come to this place of the dead? Um, uh, we're here to visit my sister.

2:41:09No one has been buried here in centuries. I'm very old. I knew it's not very polite to comment on a lady's age, but you know, thanks for making my day kind of shitty. I don't have any for real. You look super old. Incredibly almost right, seriously. I actually still walk you in breathing. I mean, I'm a specter that's been here for 600 years now. And fuck, I feel young. I mean, I don't want, listen, I'm sorry, but I've got to say you fucking hot. You're the hottest specter I've seen in a minute. You have it going on and by it, I mean, I would fuck it. I love. I think you have a chance. I mean, you're so young. For a very serious, you get cheesed. Would you like to go for a fro-yo? I'm a spud. I am tied to this place. Oh, that's unfortunate.

2:42:11I mean, I wouldn't bring it here. You're not that hot. Roll to neck, jeez. Not a lot of people would go out in public with an outfit like that. I don't listen to that. I'm going to get a piece of flesh to enter a cross of flesh. We got a dead bandit. How will that do? We left him in the wagon, though, I think. How old fucking? Send a, send me a back for it. Molly, did you keep any of the bandit in your food stores? I pull out too thick. Nope. I, without saying anything, I look annoyed and I turn and I walk back to this spot. No, no, put me down fast. I chuck granny into the swamp for laughs.

2:43:18For yucks. No, I didn't want to get wet. I go back, I get what's left of the bandit. And I bring it back. The specter grabs a hold of the corpse and they both fade into the ground and there's no longer a specter burying your past. Oh, man, I'm sorry, Olaf. I really thought you had a chance that time. I was so roll. I was just fooling around, right? Yeah, yeah, it's okay. You don't have to be stoic with me. Well, I saw horribly lonely. I saw the specter's riddle. Oh, look at you. You can have all of the plunder from the specter's course. Do you believe you did well? Speaking of pose and oilist. I feel at this point, it would be a good time better at shit.

2:44:19Oh, nice. But is that? Yeah, I mean, you all have been through a couple of combats. You made it to the dungeon. I feel like before we get into the dungeon, you should get a little beef here. Yeah, I think we're going to die. So y'all are going to roll 6d10. 6d10. Add it together. Yes, if the result is equal to or greater than your current maximum hit points, increase it by 1d6. Which honestly just roll 1d6. Yeah, it is mathematically impossible for me not to and Kriya. Yeah, so just roll a d6. Yeah, I mean, if none of y'all have more than fucking four hit points, right? I mean, I have 7. I go up. But 66, there's no way. Yeah, I'm at 7 now. I mean, I guess I could roll it. I am now at 9 hit points. Nice. I rolled a 1. So all now at 6 hit points. Right on?

2:45:19Granny remains the fucking tank. 12 hit points. Nice. Now each of y'all will roll a d6. Are these for the attribute increases? No, this is for the left and the debris you find. Okay. I rolled a 1 again. You get nothing. You got a 4? You have found 3d10 silver. Two. Nothing. Nothing as well. Five. You find an unclean scroll. Yeah. Which where are the scrolls at? Oh, next page, that's handy. Scroll, scroll, do you need me to roll again? Yes, that is a d10. A d10. One, which I think I rolled before. Yeah, that's the Psalms that opened the Southern Gate. That's the Fireball one. Okay, cool. So roll again. Or you could share it with your friend. Two. This is the tongue of aress. A creature of your choice is confused for 10 minutes.

2:46:20Okay. Nice. And that was it for that roll, right? For getting better at it. Yeah, I mean, we still have to roll the abilities. I was just, okay. So it talks about rolling to improve your abilities. But later on, if you look down, yeah, it's abilities from negative 3 to plus 1 are always increased by 1 unless the d6 result is a 1. So it's a roll of d6 for each of your abilities. If you roll a 1, you don't increase it. If you do, you go up. Go up by 1. By 1 on the attribute or by 1 on the modifier? On the modifier. I think that like Jeff was saying, the rolling initially, those numbers don't mean shit. Gotcha. Right. I just rolled 3, 6s in a row. Fuck yeah. Why couldn't I do that when I rolled the attribute?

2:47:21No shit. I rolled 1, 6s in strength, which bumped me up to a plus 2. 4, 6s in a row. Damn. Damn. That shit. I think you should get a bonus for that. Yeah. You know what? Pick one and add another one to it. Roll another one. That's 3, 1s in a row. Okay. Roll the 5. I rolled a 1, the first two times you ask us to roll a die. I rolled a 1 for agility, I guess. And then I rolled a 5 for presence. My current presence is 12. Yeah, just unless you roll a 1, add 1 to your number. To your modifier. Yeah. So you bump up to a plus 1 then? Yeah. That's just the modifiers. Yeah. And then you raise the 3d6 roll that you made initially. Yeah. All right. So now I, okay, for strength, so long as I don't roll a 1, roll the 5 again.

2:48:23So now my strength goes up to plus 2. Nice. All right. And tough, which is where I really need to improve is awesome. Okay. I rolled 3, 1s in a row. I rolled 3, 1s in a row, and then I rolled 3, 5s in a row. Dice are being weird today. Nope. Plus zero. Dope. They aren't being weird. What is going on? I only have negatives in two stats now. Oh, that's awesome. Congratulations. Thank you very much. I feel very blessed. I have no negatives now, and I have a plus 1 and a plus 2 in things. Well, great to get that old woman strength. Lady and gentleman. It is 11.30? Yes. I have to be awake for work in the morning, unfortunately. But it's actually might be a good stopping point because it gives me time to prepare a dungeon.

2:49:26Yep. Yep. And I don't know. All right. I'm down if we want to continue doing a side thing like monthly or okay. Yeah. Or you can never be other weekly if we get a couple more sessions out next. Yeah. I mean, if we have the buffer to do it. I'd say we're not there yet. I'd say right now we're on one a month until we're a little better. Let's just throw it to Kristen to call. Yeah. That week to week, let us know. I'm going to say plan for the end of April. Okay. And for those listening to this, you might, this might be the end of part one. Right. The end of part one and your bats listen to part two immediately, but probably the end of part one. Do it in two parts. Okay. Well, good game. Yeah. Good game. Great. That was appropriately metal. I'll find it to be quartz satisfactory.

2:50:31Thanks again for listening to another 100% coherent space adventure from your pals at the Astronomica podcast. If you want more and we know that you do, spike jump your ass on over to www.astronomica.com where you'll find an invitation to our discord that both does not expire and fails to inspire. Also a link to our merch store, which is a thing that we have now. The Astronomica Discord community has it all. We've got discussion channels for gamers, writers, chefs, burgeoning star daddies, pet photos, high tech low life, and even something called a brojay. It's also where we plan and organize our community events, discord games, and a lot of our Patreon rewards.

2:51:33All that AND our legendary yearly cult meeting in the Tennessee Woods. Astronomica Amp. Speaking of Patreon, yeah we got one. So go show us some love over there, why don't ya? patreon.com slash astronomica podcast. Where among other fabulous prizes you can gain access to our bonus show, Mama Tried, an ongoing adventure in the Vassen system and a very special thanks to Jackson Sybe for the awesome theme song that you're currently enjoying. Excelsior. You know, where I'm at right now, if I hear of a drug and the side effects do not include

2:52:52a lesions between my genitals and anus. You know, I don't bother taking care. I don't care. Yeah, okay, cool.