Being a Brave Dater!

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Good thing we're being brave and now we're going to talk about how you can be brave

while you're dating because I think dating can feel kind of scary for a lot of

reasons for people. So we'll talk about all the scary reasons that can

feel hard to go dating and how you can be braver. We'll come up with some

suggestions for you to feel brave while you're dating.

Absolutely. Very, very, and I'd love to welcome you

to thenewstreamingnetwork.com, WGSNDB, going solo network, radio, tv,

and podcast number one internet singles talk network. And this is Let's Talk

dating with Christine and Barry. I'm very.

I'm Christine. Yeah, I tell my clients

all along the time that we're talking, just setting up appointments

to really officially coach with me, I think, is very brave

because it's because it's hard and to do something new and hard.

I think people should give themselves a big pat on the back for being brave.

I strongly suspect that most people are dating or afraid to get help,

let alone to date better than they are. So this conversation could be

both pushing some buttons and giving people some hope.

I really do hope the hope because

it's not brain surgery. It's not insurmountable.

It really can be fun, which so many people can't even imagine that we're

being in the vocabulary with dating because they think it's torture and

frustrating and tedious and awful and

unrewarding. And I just have heard all the reasons why people want to just

give up. And I realize all those reasons. And

when you approach it in the way that most people approach it,

it can be very discouraging. And then putting yourself out there in the

thought of being vulnerable and how much do you share and

maybe letting your heart get hurt again because nobody wants to get hurt

again and again and again. So it does take an active

gravy to say, okay, I want to go do this thing that feels really scary and hard

and how could I make it feel a little less scary and a little less hard, right?

Yeah, because I think that's the real truth is the most people are afraid to

get the hurt. The heart's hurt again, try it right around.

Not the hurt hard again, the hurt hard again. Because the thing is

because we all want to have loving eyes. It feels like most people want to

love their lives at least the most. And the challenge is is that

we don't know until we're in relationship with this person if we're going to

be in relationship with them. So of course, every first date, every few

first dates, or every first few dates, which is 15 words around

states fun, are a test ground. They're experiments, they're

leaning in. And so even no idea if it's going to work or not. So there's a

certain fear. And it is a challenge because I think

for some reason, the dating, some people, the dating up so

easier because there's less contact. You look at a picture, you know,

interactive with somebody's, you can basically sort of swipe away from them.

And I worry about it, but meet somebody in real life, so to speak, physically,

you know, in in like reality. Then he then he sort of

take into account their feelings. And then he would think it's count your

feelings. So there's a much more likelihood that you're going to have your

stuff come up because you're now interacting with somebody versus just

looking at us on your phone. Oh my goodness. Yes, being

in more personal contact, more eye to eye face to face, worried that you're

going to say the wrong thing or too much, put your foot in your mouth,

or they won't like what you wore, or like what you do. I mean,

the big word that pops up in front of lots of people that feel like

warning will Robinson for the people that are our age group that watched

lost in space. The rejection word comes up really

big for people and they don't want to feel rejected.

So one of the ways that I talked to my clients a lot about when you're going

out, even in a group to meet a bunch of new people, or to go one on one and meet

a new person over coffee or lunch or for a walk, is they you don't know each other

well enough to reject them and for them to reject you as a person.

You don't know another as people. I mean, I've talked a couple times about the

poor guy that I dated early on in my online dating,

who was so nice to me. He had so many great attributes and I really liked him

and when it came time after the third day, because that's usually when I wanted

kiss them, I couldn't because he looked so much like my dad.

And I was really hoping I'd get over it because he was so lovely.

It just wasn't going to happen. And there was nothing he could do about it.

And I wasn't rejecting anything about him. In fact, he he looked

nice just he could have been might I mean younger, but he could have been my

dad's brother. He looked so much like him and it just felt

too weird. Yeah. I don't know if I could now,

you know, older and wiser, but I sure couldn't have then.

So it wasn't him at all. There wasn't anything bad about him. So I wasn't even

after three days. I wasn't rejecting him. But often we take it as a rejection.

That if somebody doesn't even answer a like on a profile or

doesn't respond to an initial text or something, we'd say that we've been

rejected or they've ghosted me. And it's not the truth. You're going on false

evidence because there's been no connection. There's been no

conversation about who I'm really and you don't like that. Okay, well then you

are rejecting that part of me, but still not horrible.

And you tell me more about you and I go, yeah, that's not for me, but I'm not

rejecting you as a whole person. I just don't, that trait doesn't fit me.

But that is one of the biggest stop signs that I get from people where they

say, I'm so worried about getting rejected. That is the big word.

And the ghosting thing for second, you know, ghosting is a cow it's approach.

So to not ghost is to be brave basically is that you

if you tell somebody, if you're in communication with them, it's like, you know,

this is not on out for me. It's not what I'm looking for. And for me, it's like

I know for myself that what I'm looking for is a certain set of skills,

so to speak. It's a quote taken. But basically, somebody's got a certain way of

being what they're about, what they've learned, everything else. And I mean,

someone's very attractive, but they don't have those pieces of the

spectrum wrong word, but they haven't got the species in place. They don't line

up on those levels. I'm not interested in going out with them. Okay, it's not

about them. It's about what I'm looking for. And

I need to look at and say, this one I'm looking for, if the person doesn't match it,

that's who they are. It's not about judging them. It's about what I'm

using myself. And that's a really honest way of looking at things. And it is

that this, the dance of romance is such, it's interesting, because for some

people, it's a very obvious school and hurdle ridden experience for them. It's

not easy to do. And so they get very noticed, they get scared that one

takes it done. The reality is though, the dating experience can be a whole lot of

fun and easy, which we're going to talk about later on as well. Because when you

start realizing that there's nothing for you to get hurt about, because if they

reject what you present to them, that's their perception. It's not about you.

It makes things so much easier, so much less stressful.

So true. And so part of being a brave data is being

really clear about who you are first and what you bring to a

relationship. What's the gift that you are? What's the things that they need

to qualify for to receive these gifts from you? And what you're looking for in

another person. And if they're not that, they're just not

your person. So very, and I both said out loud, that the people that would

be intimately in our life have to be interested in personal growth,

have had to take in classes, and they don't have to be quite as voracious as

me, because I do get a good fit of walking with clients all day.

They do have to have some. You know, I need them to be open and interested

about it. I need them to be curious. I need them to have

studied something about some sort of psychology kind of area,

just because they thought it would make their life better and more interesting.

I look for that when I bring up stuff about the kind of things I'm reading and

the kind of seminars I've taken. And to see if they're at least

interested in asking questions about it or if they're. So Alice and Armstrong

has this boyfriend that she's had for a while since her husband died.

And he didn't know who she was, which was kind of interesting because they met

through online dating. And he not, he was a hockey player.

And so he'd done a lot of studying about sports and a little bit of the

psychology about sports, but not relationship psychology.

So she told him when they were starting to get serious, you have to watch

every single thing I've ever done. And here's the order.

And he's now watched every single thing she's done in that order. And he's gone

back and watched a couple of them because he understood that was very

important to her. And he was very into her. And he wanted to make sure

that he quite got her and that she's now learned about the hockey which

cracks me up because she's never even knew anything about it.

And they go right. Yeah, it was very fair.

So even when they're not that, if they're willing to learn to be that, if

they're curious about that, if they're curious enough about you and what

you're about, and they're willing to go, yeah, I want to see Vika Paul Newman

and Joanne Woodward that he was into race cars and she was into the ballet.

And sometimes they go to the other person's thing, but mostly

they go to their separate things. And then they'd come share it with each other

because they were interested in hearing about the other person's passion.

So that part of the bravery of honoring, because often especially the females,

we want to turn ourselves into pretzels so that they'll like us.

Oh, yeah, I love golf. Well, they don't or they I love hiking and they don't.

If you want to learn golf, find somebody that's interested in teaching you,

that would be really good. The people I used to volunteer for at the equine

therapy ranch, she went to take golf lessons and married her golf pro.

So you never know. And then he got on a horse and went, yeah, not very good at that,

but I think it's cool that you do it. But it was fine for both of them.

That is the thing is, you know, they do sometimes say some of the opposite

tracks of people that have different habits, different choices, different

preferences might be a track to each other. But the thing is, if you're sitting

there and I'm watching my own list in my head at the same time as I'm talking about

this as well, just to be transparent, be honest about it.

Yeah, and so I've been on dedicated spiritual path for the last 35, 40 years.

So to be with somebody who has either no perception of spirituality at all,

or is a very strict religious person, we won't have common ground to play on.

And that's, and that's not again, nothing all with them, I know with me, just different.

So to be willing to date and know these people out there who do not match your criteria,

even broad strokes criteria, is a recognition of differences in that.

So okay, because none of that is emotionally weighted.

So you don't feel like you're rejected or feel that you've made a mistake,

or that you're basically a victim or anything like that stuff.

You're being brave because you want to say, you know what, I'm going to go and meet some people

who may be nothing like what I want. But it gets me out of my shell and gets me into the world,

gets me to look like learning about people, which is a bit more laid over there.

And you get practice about saying, this is who I am. And what do you think about that?

Yeah, because they're either going to go really like that, really don't like it or tell me more.

I mean, those are the responses I've given and received to see, oh, I'm really all about that.

Gosh, I'm so excited. We have that. And wow, I can't even imagine.

I mean, people that live in RVs, I, I God bless them. I think it's terrific.

And I love watching their pictures. I have two really close friends that are doing it.

It would never be me in one. I barely think I could do a weekend in one.

So we could never be romantic people, but I'm really good friends with them.

And I think being friends is just perfect because I see all their adventures.

And I never have to go do it. So then there's the tell me more.

Wow, like Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman that I'm really interested in or like Alison and Dan.

Yeah, I really want to learn about that. Even though I know nothing, I'm really open to learning.

And now he's, you know, a big proponent and could spout out a lot of her stuff.

So that's the, you're looking for what is going to be their answer when you say,

this is a big piece of who I am. And it's what I'm looking for a partner or I'm looking for somebody

who could support me in that. Because what I've learned is it's really helpful to have

some really core commonalities. But boy, to meet somebody that has a strength that you don't have

in this really different area, oh, I so missed that with my late husband.

Because there were some real core things, the family values and really looking out for people

that needed some help. But boy, we had very different strengths and lots of things.

And it was so nice because we could really depend on the other person to balance it out.

So looking for that too, that I think part of the challenge nowadays is women are so busy going,

I don't need a man. I can do all this stuff and I have all this thing. And then no man show up.

And I said, well, you haven't left room of, well, this is something I am not good at or I would

just assume never do again. And do you like doing that kind of stuff? Because I think it'd be great

to have you come do this. So they forget to say that I had this conversation last night with a

girlfriend. And if they forget to say that, that how can we still play together, even if we aren't

going to have the same things? Because it's not very interesting if you have all the same things.

Right. It's great to say it out loud.

Well, that's the thing being honest is a brave act to be truthful as a brave act.

The thing that I was talking to somebody that was recently was that

her commitment and I said, well, go along the same idea. She wants to make friends first.

I don't know you have a system of what you believe the timing is, but this is a thing is,

a lot of people have gone on first dates thinking they're going to do everything up front

on the first dates, whether it's so nervous. And that's the reason why Danny's such a challenge.

If you think that way, but if we go on a date with somebody, that's why again, I recommend

that as some people hate this, I recommend having a predate, a coffee date, we meet somebody first

to get to know if you want to go on a real date with them. It's like you don't have to go in like

or, you know, guns blazing trying to get it all to happen. If you spend the time, it's no somebody.

And I have circles of friends that I hang out with and stuff. And as some areas we just do not

connect on, that's fine, but it's still my friends. It's easy to meet somebody who might be

interested in being in a relationship who doesn't have everything matching as well.

So it is about, and I would say this way, it's brave to be visible in the world of dating.

And it's brave to hope for own your message and your words what you talk about. So

this isn't necessarily about brave about many people. It's about brave about who you bring to

the conversation. You're really comfortable with who you are, being honest with who you are with

yourself first. You know, what kind of people do you like to hang around with? How much alone time

do you need? What kind of things do you want to talk about? What kinds of things do you not

going to talk about in the beginning and maybe later? So oh, we have a question. Should it attraction

like a small kiss on the cheek always require consent in this age of dating. I've done it and it's

already seemed to surprise the person. Should I change with the times and ask first? Well, I'm a girl.

So I'm assuming that's a guy. I don't know what your name is, but for my side,

there was a poll on Facebook. And we asked this question. And 10% of the women said they needed to be

in a committed relationship before you could kiss them at all even on the cheek. And the other

halves that were left, one complete half said they didn't want to be asked. They just wanted you

to kiss them. And the other half that was left said they wanted to be asked ahead of time. That's

me. I want to be asked ahead of time. So what I tell my male clients of which I have a lot is either ask

and the ones who don't want to be asked, they'll tell you yes or no. Or look at them if they've

allowed you to hug them, then stay put and see if they back up. If they stay put, you hug them

and you're now face to face looking. If they don't move, then go ahead and kiss them on the cheek.

And if they don't move again, then you probably can kiss them a little bit. That's often yes,

working you put. But if we back up, that's not a rejection. That's just that's all I want for

right now. Yeah. So then you could say, gosh, next time you see them, whatever right, if I gave

you a kiss on the cheek. So that person probably would like to be asked. But I'm telling you,

it's a 5050 gamble. It was such a odd. I was so amazed and I guess not surprised.

Well, the thing to me is about this is that the challenge is because so many people have wars

are unfortunately because of what's been happening the last several years and respect and boundaries

and all sorts of things. And I teach my clients about boundaries and we help you respect other

people. The thing about that kiss on the cheek is it's in that gray area because kiss on the

leaps is on the lips is a big step forward. Whereas a hug is it's like kissing the cheeks between

the hug and kissing the lips. It's like it's in between states that liminal space. So it has a

sense of should be okay or it might not be okay. That's the challenge. So absolutely is a place

to be. The thing I would say is this is challenging for them because their intuition isn't that strong.

It is to be sensitive. You know, if she's reaching out and struck in your arm or she's touching you

and she's reconnecting with you, there's a space she's inviting you into that maybe you didn't

realize you had. Not to be over the top, not to push the boundaries, but a kiss on the cheek is in

that sort of space for me. But if she's still keeping a space for you and not touching and not

connecting with you, that's a pretty clear indication she's not ready to go any further. Again,

oh no, it's not yet. So not having the sense of it's going to be now or nothing because that's

going to basically be impossible to work with. But understanding that they're spacing on this time

is because the thing about also is if you were somebody you like and it's going to take time to get

to know them, what's the rush? You know, take the time. Don't rush into the kissing on the cheek

because it may be something you want to savor and wait until a certain point in time we can happen.

But it's now the next time in the summer after that could be fine.

I hope that that answers your question. Thank you so much for asking. It's so nice to get an answer

to answer live questions. We like that. And one of the big benefits of this podcast is that you get

both sides, the male and female perspective. So I hope that that's really a complete answer for you.

Not right again. So we're getting ready for our commercial break very so good at watching the

time because I just love talking. So if this is striking a chord of oh my gosh, I've been so

afraid to get on online dating or even to go to meetups or because of the stuff that's happened to

me and I don't know how to get brave very and I would be so happy to help you through this.

It's a surmountable journey. I promise you can get to the other side and actually feel okay,

you really can. So if you'd like to talk to me the best way to do that is to go to my website which

is www.theperfectcatch.com and scroll to the middle of the page and you'll see what's holding you

back from love questionnaire. It has 10 brief questions that tell you where let us both know where you

are in your journey of dating, you know, where you just beginning or you totally terrified and

haven't even started. And then you can schedule a complimentary conversation with me right there in

my online calendar or something to talk with me at your convenience. You can also send me an email

at Christine at theperfectcatch.com and how would people reach you, Barry? In a similar fashion,

you can reach out to me through my website as well. Finally, we're excited to my name,

easy to find, so barriselby.com. And at the top of the homepage of my website is a button you

can click on which is let's chat. That's actually under the header. So if you click that button

to select chat, that will take you to my calendar. We schedule a time up to work to talk to me and

also fill out a form because I'd like to know a little bit about you for we set up a conversation

and it'd be a Zoom conversation most likely. And you fill out the form, get in my schedule, I'm going

on a conversation to give from me to you 20 minutes to discuss where you are and throw some tips in

your toolkit so you can work with that as well and see if we want to work together. If you want

to send me an email, you can just send me one at barriselby.com and we'll tell you all about the

rest of our stuff at the end of the show. Yeah, our stuff. So we'll be taking a commercial break

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and then we'll be right back to talk more about how to be a brave data. See the moment.

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And we're back with let's talk dating with Christina Barri and today we're talking about

being a brave leader. Because it can just feel very intimidating. Even if you haven't started dating,

you've heard the stories about the bad things that have happened to people or you've seen

movies about it. And so it really often just takes an active bravery and pull up your bootstraps as

people will say, but you don't have to go alone. That's why Barri and I are here every week talking

about this and talk to our clients about it. Because it's not, if you do it right, if you go into

this brave and informed, it won't be dangerous. Horrible things don't happen. The worst that could

happen is that you've done your due diligence and you've gotten with somebody and you both really

like each other and then for some reason. Some things come up that it's not going to work out.

That's really hard. It's really hard. Or for me, my love of my life that I waited over 20 years

to find, five years after we got married, died suddenly. I'm still very willing to be dating and

looking for another person because as I had my client in her 80s that wanted to get married again

for the third time after being widowed twice. She said, I have all this love to give and to receive.

And as you said in the very beginning of our show today, most people would really like to find

somebody that they could love and that would love them back. And generally, since we don't have

arranged relationships or marriages nowadays as a practice, certainly in our country, you need to go

do it yourself. And so learning how to do it yourself. This is the DIY of dating with somebody

expert helping you along. I was watching the property brothers last night. So like the property

brothers, you don't do it by yourself because that's what scares people that they are going to do

something wrong or they did something wrong and they don't know how to not do that again. We can

help you through that. And for a lot of people who watch our show and suddenly a lot of my clients,

they basically go have a relationship to start it way before there was online dating with me.

So this is a whole new game, the whole new playground. And so for them, it can be, but you might

have certain trepidation jumping into it. I understand it totally. One is the whole of my clients

hand, you do the journey. But the other part of the look though is, and this is something we don't

talk about so much in the dating side, but it's true for me in working with my clients, is that

oftentimes we are coming out into dating, wounded from past relationships, heartbreak or abuse or

neglect or distrust. Also things happen in past relationships, part of the human experience.

And so we may be walking into the dating arena with those fears right in front of us,

that we're so unwilling to date because we're scared of that happening again.

And I've heard so many times when clients about, I don't want to repeat the same pattern I had

before, so I don't want to do it. So there's almost like a safer not to date period. So I understand

the desire to sort of be safe as well. The challenge is that if you don't do the end of work and I

took it as well, again, in my own work, to change your wiring or change your belief systems,

you are tend to retract the central of people again and again. So yes, it won't be good for you.

If you don't do any different, you will already get repeat the same mistakes. And of course,

it will be painful so you might not want to do that. So take the time before you go on date again,

to seek help from one of us, to somebody else who you trust, to really navigate who you've been

looking for. So you can change the magnetic pulse that speaks that you draw somebody else who

is different from that. Such a basic place for people to start. And the thing that I've watched

happen is even the people who were really scared. I mean, there's so many different levels on the

scale of being scared. Once they started doing it this way differently, you know,

figuring out what do you really want and only really meeting people and spending time with people

that had some of the top things. And then you see, do they have the other things that aren't

quite as important? They started feeling more empowered period in their life. And that's when

they kept saying, gosh, I'm having better relationships with my family and my children and my co-workers

because it's so fascinating how transferable this skill is. So you could practice on your friends,

you could practice on your colleagues. Friends, I tell them, tell them what you're doing, you know,

that they'll be hopefully got the right kind of friends that are going to be willing partners

to let you practice this new skill so that now when you're practicing, when you're dating,

because it's, I tell you, you're not vetting them to see if you want to have breakfast across the

table for them for the rest of your life. You're, they're figuring out, do I feel comfortable being

with them? Do I feel heard and seen? Do they seem interested in me? And am I interested in listening

to them? I'm like, curious about what they're doing. Enough to now want to see them another time.

Sometimes I've met people that were so interesting for one date and that was enough. But they were

very interesting. I learned all sorts of things I didn't know that were happening in the world.

And there were enough traits that weren't there that there wasn't really a point to go on.

But it was still interesting. And I got more practice. That's why when she was like, how can you say

this go easy? I said, well, in my personal life, I said it hundreds of times. And now that I've

been coaching, I've said this thousands of times. So it's, I practiced. So I encourage people to just

what is it you need and want in your life and tell people? I mean, you never know if you say, you know,

I've been really looking for somebody that I'm studying this or I've been doing that. And they go,

I know somebody that does that or they've been teaching that or their brother does that. You never

know. So if you get brave about talking about what you're up to, what you're passionate about,

what you're excited about to everybody that'll listen, that you've now practiced so that now when

you're sitting across from somebody, especially if you think they're really cute and you go,

because they're so cute, it's easier to get the words out a little better because you've been

practicing with all these other people that it didn't matter if you admit that in front of them.

That basically sums it up perfectly.

But it is practice practice. I mean, I have definitely had a, I've had a gift the last several years

and there were ability to speak to one's initially about rehearsing and practicing, but I know where

people don't. So for people out there who felt like they don't want to say they were about the wrong

things, if you do practice ahead of time, in front of them, they're not to be like doing things

by a road, but just to feel comfortable saying things that you may not be used to saying in

public because you basically don't say these things at work. You're saying you're at, you know,

unrightly. So by having, it's almost like you're warming yourself up to be able to talk on that

level comfortably. Not about the words you've said, but just getting the energy moving. So yes,

to have that fluidity and practice can take some effort for the things we do before you go out,

not see much religiously, but just doing it as a way of just waking, like warming up your local

cool self to speak in a sense. Then when you get to meet somebody, you can talk in that arena

comfortably without being like a clots of being a baby doing it, do it very comfortably. So yeah,

practice is good. Everything you get good at or better at, it's only because you practiced.

That you have a talent that you have, you do a sport, you do a craft, you do your work,

you play pickleball, whatever you keep getting better at, it's because you practiced. So do

the same thing with this practice saying who you are and asking other people who they are.

Not even just do they have the same interest as you, that's certainly a place to start,

but gosh, what lights you up? What's the most interesting thing you just learned in the last

month? Because you never know what they know. And even if it's not something that you want to date,

it might be, wow, I needed that or I know somebody that needs that. Or gosh, I want to learn more

about it because I'd like to get involved. The conversations can't always be about, do I want to

have breakfast with this person at my life? But often when you're dating and we're really wanting

somebody, our field of focus, our focus needs to be this is who we are and what we're looking for,

but not to the exclusion of just not talking to people that aren't that so that you can keep

practicing to just talk to people. Even the most introverted person, and you brought this up,

practice with your friends, practice with the people that already love and care about you,

whether you have family like that or friends like that, practice so that when you're now in front

of the one person, because you'd much rather talk one on one than in a big group, you've practiced

talking this way about sharing what's important to you and asking them what's important to them,

practice with your friends. Yeah, and the thing is, there's a couple things on that. One of which is

when you practice with your friends, you've got the routine down. So basically,

meet somebody new. It's not different because the truth is that someone said in a movie years ago,

you know, strangers are just friends you haven't met yet. So you can work with your friends,

you build that practice up. The other part is, I think there's no previous show quite a while ago as well.

If you haven't already taken yourself out on a date and you're single, just go out with yourself.

Do that too, because first of all, it gives you a different world for you because you get to

watch people and be around other people. And there's something about taking yourself out on a date,

which makes you more confident in your own skin. To meet somebody else, you're not looking for them

to do something for you. It's a little shift and it sounds subtle, but it really works well.

It's when you do take the time to enjoy your own company. Like, I'm going to go to something

you can take them to a movie because I don't want it to. I don't want to wait for somebody else to be

ready for it. So things that you want to do for yourself, whether it's dinner, movie,

going to a show, going hiking, it's a bit earlier, doing things that you enjoy doing for yourself.

It gives you more, what it does in a way, so ground you in your own beingness. And that means when you

do meet somebody, you'll tend to be finding yourself staying in that beingness. Because one of the

biggest challenges I've found when he's gone dates a long time ago is I've been with that person,

I'd be so caught up in their story, so caught up in what's going on. I always track on myself,

I wouldn't stay connected to myself, which is not a good way to be on a date. So I'm flexing those

muscles I've been building on the strength inside yourself to be present with you. You are when you

meet somebody else, you don't disappear from yourself. Very true. You really have to stay in

tack, which is why I tell people, number one, attainable expectation when you go meet a new person

or a group of people is, how am I doing? Am I feeling comfortable? What would help me feel more

comfortable now or what would make me feel more comfortable next time? What are the people that are

interacting with me? They're not. I'm going to excuse myself and move on to another person if I'm

in a group, staying connected with yourself. This is the kind of questions I have people keep running

in their head. How's this going? Am I okay with this? What should I do? Different? Oh, right,

I have this fun question I had thought up to do. And then the other attainable thing is that you're

going to ask, I'm interested in you questions of them, not whether or not you're going to date them

just to find out what they're doing in the world, what things have they read or seeing, you know,

what movies have they seen recently and what have they learned? I mean, you just never know what people

are going to spark up with. It's kind of fascinating. And another in between thing that I love

suggesting to mostly women, but men too, men are easier at this is find a local really nice

restaurant that has a bar that's part of it and go, especially if they have a happy hour,

because then it's less expensive and sit at the bar and talk to the bartender. They are the best

at this. Watch how they ask you about yourself and what, and you could have, don't have to have

alcohol. I mean, you could have a non alcohol drink, but watch what they do when they talk to you,

that they're really skilled at getting you to talk about them. And then whatever question they ask,

ask them back so that you can now get, oh, I never thought about asking that question. I'll ask

that question too, because they are, they're hired for this skill. They're so good at making

you feel welcome and warm, because that's their job. That's how they get paid at by the bar,

and they get good tips from us, because they made us feel welcome and warm and seen and happy.

They're perfect people to practice with. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, that's the thing that there

is going to be a guy and you find a girl bartender. Well, yeah. The thing I was going to say is that

there are so many people in the service industries and also in business and in retail businesses that

have learned how to be more comfortable talking to strangers, because that's their job.

It's in a sense, when you are dating some going to first dates, you aren't really strangers,

they're going to strangers, strangers, strangers, they're going to meet you. So you've got to start

with somebody you don't know yet, so you don't have familiarity with your connections. And one of

the things that's this, which is an idea about something that basically, when you have somebody

who you know already, there's familiarity of like, you've got connections and things you can lean on,

with somebody new, you don't have that yet. So I can feel a little bit like there's no

stability to any of you yet. I'm just, I'm just sort of picturing this idea about you're

walking along and meeting somebody. And when you met, somebody already know there's like,

there's already a balance you have when you stand together and it works really well, but somebody's

stranger, you don't know how, you know, do they zig or do they zag, you don't know how it works

that way. So as you said through the show, spending time getting to know your own self and standing

your own truth when you meet somebody means you already are solid and stable. So if they aren't or

they are, it doesn't make a difference to who you are. But if they are, it adds to the experience

so you can have more fun with that. So the, I hope this is kind of metaphoricalism saying this,

but that makes sense is that truth is when we stand in our own truth and meet somebody new,

then we can be much more comfortable in that means we don't have to be brave, just be it to be real.

Because brave is an implication that we're going to be courageous to step forward. So the truth is

just being real is strong enough. And certainly I have heard from both sides, both men and women who

have said one of the most attractive qualities they see and feel and desire is self-confidence.

And somebody that seems to be comfortable in their own skin and comfortable talking to you even

when they're nervous. It's attractive. It's a track team. It makes you want to spend more time

with them. So when you get two people that meet each other that are strangers, you don't know if you're

going to want to see them another time. But look at the comfort that you're going to have in

yourself and that you're going to allow them to feel from you and they're going to have in

their self and allow you to feel from them. I've walked away from that when they weren't my

person going, that was really interesting and that was really fun. And there was nothing bad that

happened. I felt like my time and my energy and was everything was worth it. All of was worth

going and meeting them even though they weren't the right person because I said, well look at all the

good things that showed up. I'm getting closer and I have to just get more concentrating on these

couple things that weren't there. I never left feeling discouraged or frustrated when I started

doing it this way. Amazing how it works. It's amazing. You're here to teach you to do this amazing

thing that nobody knows how to do because nobody just knows how to date because nobody's taught you

like when you go take lessons on pickleball. You haven't been taught how to do this but we're

here. We're ready. We would love to teach you and have you start feeling more brave. It's such a

I should say we'll teach you in dating not pickleball. I wouldn't have to teach pickleball so

that would be a problem. Please don't sign up for that. Dating yes. Yes. How to date very effectively

and bravely. I like that moniker a lot. Yes. So if you would like to talk to me and I would

sure like to talk to you to find out where you are in your process of dating and see if we might

be interested in working together because it's kind of like a first meeting to decide if we'd

like to work together. I'm going to send you back to my website which is www.theperfectcatch.com

and I came up with that name because the name is meant the tagline. If you see on my card and

my website learn how to be the perfect catch and then you'll attract the perfect catch because

that's what I learned for myself and that's what they teach my clients. So when you're on the home

page scroll to the middle you'll see a questionnaire called what's holding you back from love.

Click on that. Ten brief questions that'll give us both an idea where you are. I'm happy to talk

on the phone or zoom. Then you schedule that complimentary call with me at your convenience.

Also on the website if you go to the top you'll see I have an ebook that's free. It's all my

columns put together that I wrote for about 10 years. With all my dating advice broken out into

subjects would happy to give it to you. Would be so excited to hear what you think about it.

You can also join my mailing list. You'll get repeats of this scent or wonderful show to you

scent every week in your email box and then you also can keep updated on what's going on in my

life. If you scroll to the bottom you'll see all my social media icons of Facebook and LinkedIn

and Twitter and Instagram and Pinterest and YouTube and if you click on YouTube you'll get to see

Barry and I my parade of hats and not look at that much older after five years and there's so

many different subjects. We have over 270 pod shows and podcasts now that you can take advantage of

and if you'd like to email me personally and privately it's Christine at theperfectcatch.com

How do people reach you Barry? So my my stuff as I said he got it my way to start with just

my name Barry so we.com and again you can jump on my can click the bottom of the top and the bottom

of the home page is an option. Jump into my email list you spend in my audience that you'll get

an email every week from me including rebadget the show and everything else I'm working on. I've

got some big things happening this year so you might only get hit at the curb and just jump onto

email list right there. If you get my if you get my calendar you'll also get my email list

enough to do both. At the middle of the page on my home page on my website is the first of my two

assessments, school and quizzes or assessments which where do you want to use. The first one is

basically a relationship readiness assessment. Are you ready for a relationship? It sounds

like a simple question but there's more to it than that. So you take the quiz that I've got in my

home page button in the middle of the screen or you go to Barrysobby.com slash quiz you're going

to do the typing in the URL yourself and that'll give you a chance to really look at where you are

looking at relationships from your perspective. The other one I've got the second one which you

can't get to my button yet you have to type in the URL which is Barrysobby.com slash self quiz.

That takes you to a self-relationship assessment. Basically how's your relationship with yourself?

And bravery may be one of the questions you want to ask yourself in that one.

I have a seven deep areas in it. I've got lots of questions to really give you clarity on

where you are lined up, what's missing, what can be better and you get a full PDF report to go with it.

So you'll have a lot of information to give you inspiration tips and guides where you want to go.

And all of those give you an invitation to work with me as well so don't worry I'll be in touch.

You want to check out my book which I've had for a while at some of my book page on my site you

click on the navigation bar or type in Barrysobby.com slash book. That is that's my best son of book

or 50 ways to love your lover which gives you 50 principles for healthy relationships for you and

other people and how to be in relationship. If you're not sure if you're on a bike yet at the

top of that page is a little 15 or 12 30 minute audio track that were created through an AI app.

So basically it's two very professional sending voices discussing my book so you get to reveal

my books you get to know where it's like for you to buy it. There's a freebie for you. If you want

to find me on social media under my name Barry's server you can find me on YouTube where all these

shows get played. I also know 1,000 other videos I have up there. But I'm also Barry's server

on Facebook on LinkedIn on Pinterest and on Blue Sky. If you want to find me on Instagram or

threat it's the real Barry's server. There's a history about that. That way you find me in both

places and again if you want to send me an email you can send me one at Barry's server.com.

And we are here every Thursday at one o'clock Pacific and four o'clock Eastern and all the

times in between live and you could submit questions like we got earlier that's so much fun

and then you can watch repeats of our show on YouTube and on Roku but you could take us with

YouTube very right? Yes good. The show not only is a video but also an audio. So the show is also

put out as a podcast and all the major podcast platforms Apple Spotify, Amazon etc etc so

if you have a podcast platform you listen to podcasts on look where I show. Let's talk dating

with Christine and Barry and you can listen to as Christine said 270 episodes out there although

we'll be 270 out there soon because they get put up after the videos go out. But basically you

can binge listen so you can find a topic that really speaks to you just find the episode in the list

of choices and listen to it right there. It's great without driving going on road trips always

going shopping going to the gym. You can stay plugged in tuned in and learn about dating right

there where you are. So have a listen to us. And we would love for you to put in a review and

like us and share it with your friends and family that are having some challenges in their

dating relationships as well. And we will be back next week with another interesting subject

about dating and relationships on let's talk dating with Christine and Barry. We'll see you then

you know. You're listening to WGSN DB going solo network singles talk radio channel where we take

a lighthearted and candid approach to discussions on the journey of relationship loss divorce

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