Basic Text Study (2026) - Episode 42 - Chapter Eight: We Do Recover (cont. part 3)

0:00Welcome to the Anonymous Podcast. This episode will be a basic text study and commentary. The aim is to provide insight to and context of the material within our basic text. This is not a meeting of narcotics and anonymous. However, there will be some similarities and how the study will be conducted. Each study will have the audio recorded and published to the anonymous podcast. So our overall goal is to provide a commentary of the text towards reaching those seeking a resource like this. If one person benefits from our efforts, including us and our participation, and everything that goes along with it will be well worth the effort. As strong we urge you to remember to focus on that magic six letter word, others, who will have introductions, and we're going to jump into the text. Enjoy! All right, welcome back everyone. This is episode 42 for the basic text study,

1:00circa 2026 for the Anonymous Podcast. We're going to begin on page 91, just about halfway down. A paragraph that starts off from the first day, but first we're going to give our introductions Tori. What's happening? Hey everybody, I'm an addict named Tori. My Queen Day is February the 18th, 2017. I attend meetings in the Northeast Georgia area and online. And my home group is one addict helping another in commerce. Thanks, Tori. What's up, Steven? Hey guys, Steven addict. My home group is a recovery group in Liseville, Louisiana. And my Queen Day is February 17th of 2020. Thanks, Steven. It's a barb and Paul. Hey everybody, I'm Barbar, an addict. My Queen Day is October 4th, 1995. And my home group is open mind. Everybody on Paul, I'm an addict. My Queen Day is January 6th, 1995. And my home group. My very brand new home group is clean and serene in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. Thanks, Barb. Thanks, Paul. What's up, Greg?

2:00My name is Greg. My Queen Day is January 18th, 2023. I attend meetings in the western Kentucky area. My home group is the winners group and we meet every night at the week at 7pm. Thanks, Greg. It's up Eric. What's happening? I'm an addict. My name is Eric. Queen Day, September 16th, 2019. I attend meetings in the Sun Coast area, Florida. And my home group is waves of recovery. Someday mornings and homes beach. Thanks Eric. It's a Patsy. Hey guys, I'm Patsy and I'm an addict. My Queen Day is August 6th, 2020. I attend meetings in the eastern area of Oklahoma. And my home group is Tulsa original group. All right. Thanks, Patsy. What's up, Jen? Hi, everyone. My name is Jennifer. And I'm an addict. My Queen Day is November 27th, 1992. And I attend meetings in Sacramento, California. Thanks, Jen. Couple guests hanging out with us tonight. What's up, Catherine?

3:00Hey, my name is Catherine. I'm an addict. My Queen Day is April 12th, 2019. I attend meetings in the Ottawa area. And my home group is called First Things First. And we meet on Monday nights. All right. Thanks, Catherine. No other guests came. What's happening, Cam? Yeah, hello, Cam addict. Queen Day 11, 8, 2019. And my home group is third tradition in Pensacola, Florida. All right. Thanks, Cam. Thanks for hanging out with us this evening. Our folks in on my attic named Douglass. I went to the South Western Pennsylvania. Stay in the Raleigh, North Carolina area. Now my home group is never alone. Never again. 7 PM on Friday nights. All right. We're going to jump into it. So we're on page 91 from the first day. Jen. Can you read those three short paragraphs and comment, please?

4:00Yes. Sorry, technical difficulties. Technical difficulties. Three small paragraphs from the first day. the 12 steps we can't become a part of our lives. At first we may be filled with negativity and only allow the first step to take hold. Later we have less fear and can use these tools more fully and to our greater advantage. We realize that old feelings and fears are symptoms of our disease. Real freedom is now possible. As we recover, we gain a new outlook on being clean. We enjoy a feeling of release and freedom from the desire to use. We find that everyone we need eventually has something to offer. We become able to receive as well as to give. Life can become a new adventure for us. We come to know happiness, joy, and freedom. There is no model for the recovering addict. When the drugs go and the addict works the program, wonderful things happen. Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise. Our willingness to grow

5:00spiritually keeps us buoyant. When we take the actions indicated in the steps, the results are changing our personality. It is our actions that are important. We leave the results to our higher power. That's a doozy on there, isn't it? I love the saying. There is no model of the recovering addict, although I used to think that there was. You know what I mean? If you didn't do this or you did that or blah, blah, blah, blah, then what were you doing here? You know, very self-righteous and judgmental. I recognize. But what this reminds me is that we all recover. We don't recover the same. We all recover differently. We all have different sponsors with different personalities, and we do things different. I think what the biggest piece of this is what it continually taught. The three things it talks about, it talks about the 12th steps become a part of our lives, right? It tells me that I'm going to get freedom. If that becomes a part of my life, right? And then

6:02from there, lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise, right? And all of those things have come true for me, and it doesn't matter how I did it. It just matters that I did it, right? And I didn't use. And I think when I get hung up on all the ideas of how things should be or how you should be doing it or how like I used to want to be the model of the recovering addict, right? And so like now my line is, and it's been a long time, I am not the poster child for narcotics anonymous. I didn't come here and did everything that you guys told me to and did every suggestion. Like, I had to fight my way through it. And that was a choice. But I got to stay because I didn't get high, right? And that's the message that you guys taught me. I didn't get high. I, you know, I lived to fight another day. And, um, and so now, um, when I read this, I can really see that when I take these actions and I say, okay, HP, you're in charge, but I'm going to do what's in front of me. My life's pretty good. It may not be convenient. It may not always be like,

7:04fucking greenbows and sunshine, um, comparatively speaking, what it could have been or what it was like before I got here. Like, this is a life, you know, worth living every day. I'm even with his challenges. Thanks. Thanks for those comments, Jen. I agree with you, man. So so much. I have a life worth living and, and even when, um, and even when, when things may not be breaking my way or something like that, but it's, it's already okay, man. It's already okay. I had, um, been, been considering removing backup to Pennsylvania, okay? Or at least like half time and, made it to this second round of the interview, um, for this position at the university that I really wanted, wanted this position really bad. And this week I, it was around two. I fucking bombed the interview. I did so bad. I had an out of body experience during this interview. I saw myself doing so poorly. And I was like, I was like watching myself like, what the fuck are you doing? Don't say that. Don't, you know, say this. And I just, it was my mind and my mouth were not friends.

8:07You know, it was like they, they, they, they were doing no contact or something like that. But anyways, and you're right, though, you're right. In context, all things considered, I'm, I'm doing much better than I deserve. That's for sure. And, and I'm probably doing better than I think I am, you know, how we get into, into that piece. The, the, the piece I wanted to touch you on too was this, um, bar, barbs taught me this over the years. And it's been, it's, it's, it keeps coming up and keeps coming, keeps coming up. It says this, we find that everyone we meet eventually has something to offer. And then the margins I wrote down teacher. And do, when I choose to look, when I choose to look at that, it doesn't, it, if, if it's a fucknut that pisses me off at 9 a.m. or if it's somebody that has something beautiful and encouraging and I get to talk to them before meeting in the evening and everyone in between. If I can, I can, I can make a decision. I can choose to say, Hey, there's a lesson in this, man. You know, might not like it. May not be like a fun one, you know, but, but, but I'll be damned if HP isn't showing me

9:10about me. HP isn't showing me about me. And that's, and that's a, that's a level of freedom. You know, that's a level of freedom that, that I did not have no idea, didn't, no idea. That's what recovery was going to offer me. And then the last thing I'll say now, kick it over to you, Greg, is when we talk about this, the results are changing our personality everywhere that, that, that, that our recovery literature says something about a change in our behaviors or changing our thoughts, changing our personalities. I rate spiritual awakening next to it, you know, and that's how I choose the, to look at that. Those are my comments. What's up, Greg? Yeah, I love, I love what Doug said about, you know, everybody, like for me, I feel like everyone that I come into contact with is like, I can learn something from if I'm able to pull those glasses off and wipe them off or put on a new pair of glasses, you know, I mean, because sometimes I have these old disease glasses on some, you know, I mean, and I keep them on. And if I'm looking for HP, I can see a, I can find HP. If I'm looking for recovery, I find it. So I usually find what I'm looking for. That's, that wasn't always like that,

10:15you know, when, you know, I came to my first NA meeting when I was 16, you know, over the years, I get in trouble, I come to meetings, I get cleaned for a little bit, I go back out like because I never really was fully invested into this. And, you know, when I first got here this time around, I didn't want to get clean, I didn't want to be clean. You know, I just kind of was doing the same old song and dance, like let me get the judge out of my face so that I can get back to what it is because that was life to me. I've never experienced life on this side of things, like I've never experienced happiness, joy and freedom. The only freedom that I knew was that yellow piece of paper when I got out of jail, you know what I mean? Like I knew I was free, like that was freedom to me. Today, my perception of freedom has, has changed dramatically, you know what I mean? And it's, it was through working these steps. And, you know, somewhere along the way of doing some of these things that you guys suggested me to do, you know, my sponsor told me to hit my knees and pray,

11:15I didn't have to understand what my higher power was or anything, but I just needed to understand that I wasn't in control, you know what I mean? And it worked for me at first. Like I believe it worked for him. I believe it worked for you guys. That kept me clean. And, you know, some of those days the only thing that I did right was stay clean. There was a lot of sucky things. And, you know, like, like today, I see my baby brother for the first time in 23 years, like he, he's moved in with my mom and she's trying to help me. He just got out of jail. He's got like two months clean. He's really trying to do something different. And it was an experience, you know, like as soon as we see each other, it was like we just clicked like we was never apart for 23 years. Man, it was beautiful. And I got to share a little bit of, you know, what this program has done for me. And it's just a gift. Like it's one of the gifts that this program has given me. And, you know, if I want to give what I have to him. And I know it doesn't work that way. But, you know, I'm able to be

12:20present. I'm able to be, you know, be here for him in helping any way I can. And just to think about, you know, he don't have no clothes. Like I'm able to do that. I've got so many clothes and shoes. You know what I mean? Because my obsessions turned into that. So like I'm able to give some of that to him and help him out, man. And it's like, like I said about God, he puts these people in our life right when we need them. And we don't even know why. But, you know, I'm very grateful for this program. Thank you for letting me share it, brother. Thanks for his comments, Greg. Love you, button. The cabin. Yeah, you know, this is a great reading. When it says at first, we may be filled with negativity. Yeah, I was definitely filled with an abundance of negativity at the beginning. I was what was called a kicker and screamer. You know, I didn't want to get clean when I got clean. I got forced. Well, now I interpret it as being guided by my higher power. But at the time when I first met with the program, I felt very forced because I came here in handcuffs, you know, that's

13:26where the disease led me. And then where it says we can only allow the first step to take hold, like later on when we have less fear, you know, I was always apprehensive. I always had that just in case bag packed, you know, in the closet ready to go. You know, when I surrendered to my addiction, I had a few months clean, but I was still filled with so much fear. But, you know, I kept coming back. And when I did that, the fear of living life on life's term, it started to fade. It started to fade and I got to really dig into what this program has to offer. And when it says that old feelings and fears are just symptoms of our disease, you know, and then it goes on to say real, real freedom is nail possible. Anxiety was my driving force to addiction. I could not accept the feelings of anxiety

14:27that I was having. I could not work through these feelings. I couldn't touch them, you know, those feelings really sparked my addiction and my adolescence and and then fear of feeling it sustained it. And then that turned into feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, all that good stuff, you know, and pretty soon I couldn't deal with any any feelings at all. I just had to escape. And today I get to gratefully live through those feelings. You know, it's tough. You know, on really tough days, I go to bed and I wake up and I have to pinch myself because I dreamed that I had a relapse, you know, because that's where my mind instinctively goes, you know, I'm a vivid dreamer and when I get these dreams, you know, I can still feel the guilt and shame of, you know, picking up that it hits me so hard when I wake up. I'm like, oh my god, did I actually relapse, you know, and I have to kind of check myself. And I'm so grateful. It was just a dream and I don't have to go, you know, to my home group with my head down and, you know, pick up a white key tag and start over. And

15:29these dreams are kind of assigned to me when I'm going through tough feelings today that, you know, I need more reinforcements in my recovery. And that's doing the things I need to do, steps, meeting service, repeat. Thanks for those comments, Catherine. Paul, would you be willing to read so the last paragraph on 91 and then the paragraph in that final sentence on page 92? Yep. Paul, I'm an addict. Recovery becomes a contact process. We lose the fear of touching and being touched. We learn that a simple loving hug can make all the difference in the world when we feel alone. We experience real love and real friendship. We know that we are powerless over disease that is our, that is incurable, progressive and fatal. If not arrested, it gets worse until we die. We cannot deal with the obsession and compulsion. The only alternative is to stop

16:33using and start learning how to live. When we are willing to follow the course of action and take advantage of the help available to us, a whole new life is possible in this way. We do recover. Today, secure in the love of the fellowship. We can finally look around. I look another human being in the eye and be grateful for who we are. Yeah, being grateful for who we are is the end game. It takes it takes time. If you're new and you're listening to this and going, I'm not there yet. It took me a good while to trust myself and trust you all. And I had to keep coming back and you know, yeah, but if I do this, what are you going to do? Or if I say this, or if I sleep with this, or whatever the thing is that I think is going to discount me from your love, I had to kind of keep coming back and you know, kind of putting the thing in and going, oh, see if you love me now,

17:36but I'll tell you this. I'll tell you about that or I did this or I did that. And everybody's got it. When I got here, I thought it was being gay. I thought it was, you know, I thought that was going to be something special and I was going to have to deal with something, you know, and then I listened to you, motherfuckers. And I realized, oh, I'm in the right place. This is a whole room full of fucked up stuff. So I'm good. I'm good with y'all. And look, I haven't heard anything in a meeting that I go, I have to look that up. What is that? There's nothing anybody shares that I go, oh, I've never heard that before. So if you're new and you're thinking, yeah, but take the risk to tell the truth about what it is, whatever the thing you think just counts you from being loved. If you take the risk to say it out loud, I guarantee you there's

18:36somebody in that meeting who goes, yeah, me too. Or yeah, I thought that or I've done that. Just take the risk because there's a not taking the risk is the little thing that I hold in my hand that goes, they they they love me until they find out about this. And the truth is we love you not in spite of that thing, but because of that thing. We're just waiting for somebody to tell the truth. Just tell the truth about what happened, what you did, what you thought. If you take the risk, there's somebody in there that needs to hear what you have to say. And it'll help them stay clean another day. It's been my experience with that. So thanks. Thanks, there's comments, Paul. What's up, Tori? Yeah, I really liked this paragraph specifically like that first paragraph where it says we experience real love and real friendship. Like I'm not sure I've experienced that anywhere

19:37else. You know, like I had all these ideas of what that was going to be like. And I'm shared with you guys before, but seriously, I cannot be any more serious. Like when I got clean, any kind of conflict was a relationship ender. Like I just could not work through conflict and in assumes that you couldn't or wouldn't either. And and narcotics anonymous has taught me like how to go through hard things with people and stay friends with them, which is a gift that I like I cherish. And you know, talks about the progressive and fatal and if not arrested, it gets worse until we die. You know, like that's my experience through and through, you know, have gotten how to how to relapse or to and every time like it doesn't. I hear people share about, you know, like picking up this one drug and then a little while later getting this drug and that's just not in my experience, man, like I relapse and I'm right back where I fucking started. Where I left off

20:42and worse, you know, and doing the same shit I was doing. I'm more of it because I have to do something to get rid of the ick and I keep that really fresh in my mind, you know, especially when my disease gets on my back and tries to tell me that I could just, you know, have one glass of wine or whatever the fuck the the drug of the day is that I could suddenly just do one off. Like every time you buy this loadable shit, it ends up at right right where it always ends up, you know, in that last line today, secure in the love of the fellowship, we can finally look at another human being in the eye and be grateful for who we are, you know, like the idea wasn't sure I would ever be able to be grateful for who I am, but like the the thought that I could even look another human being in the eye was enough for me, you know, like if I could if I could look somebody in the eye, that would be a fucking miracle and and that has been true for me, you know, like I'm grateful for who I am, I'm grateful for all of the fucking bullshit that got me right here, you know, with the people that I have and all of the life experience, thanks. I'm sure it was a comment story, so Steven.

21:52Hey guys, so yeah, I'm right on top of what you're laying down there, Tori, that the same the paragraph recovery comes to contact process, it leaves it for your touch and it being touch, we learn that a simple loving hug can make all the difference in the world when we feel alone. I remember I went to treatment and the guy in treatment told us he was like when somebody was sharing something and was like breaking down and that's the first time I was experienced that level of stuff and we would try to comfort one another and he's like, no, don't touch him, let him let him let him heal themselves and I was like the fuck, you know, and but I kind of understand that now too because I think where where I was in that moment and then it was I was in authentic, you know, there wasn't I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to love somebody the right way and that's something I've learned in the rooms, you know, I'm real attracted just like a second ago, the quivering in your voice Greg, man, I'm like, man, I'm drawn to that, my heart is drawn to

22:54that moment, you know, I'm like, yes, this is why I'm here, I need this, it's a it's that heart to heart connection that that loving part where, you know, when I can hold somebody and I can hold them till they quit trying to pull away until they just relax, you know, and man, we get to share that in here a lot, you know, we get to connect on that level a lot with the newcomers that come in the rooms that are scared of death and man, we've had quite a run of them leaving here lately and yeah, they they come in for a moment and that's okay, got some of their stay into that are fired up about this program, you know, and it's it's getting easier for me to to love them and and let be able to let it go and grab hold to the next one, you know, because, you know, this is this is this is a this is a gift, man, that we get to do this thing, securing the level of the fellowship, we can finally look another human being in the eye and be grateful for who we are and that's it, man, I truly I can be real, I don't I'm not afraid of

23:57that quiver in my voice, I'm not afraid of being authentic, I'm not afraid of telling people the thing that I've never thought I could tell them, that's that's the thing they need to hear, that's the way we connect, there's that stuff, you know, and that's that's the most beautiful part of this program for me, is that that heart to heart. Thanks for those comments, Stephen, it's up great. I know it's my turn, so what I liked about this one was where it says, securing the love of the fellowship, like, I I didn't know how to love, I didn't know how to receive love, I didn't know what love looked like, as far as, you know, you guys have taught me how as far as thinking of others, like, that's one of the greatest gifts I think that this program is giving me and I'm still in a process of, you know, my sponsors beats in my head, and long lasting change comes slowly over a period of time, and there's action in that period of

25:01time, and like, so when I take the actions to try, it's like, when I got here, I couldn't, I didn't know what being a friend was, I didn't know how to love anybody, as far as with my kids, you know what I mean, like, you know, I've got three daughters, 21, 18 and 10, and it's like, that was a hard thing for me to look at, you know, is that I've never properly loved them, like, I've never properly made them feel, you know, and it was hard for me to look at that, but I had to look at that part in order for me to grow, and it was you guys, and my sponsor that taught me how to love, like, the relationship with my sponsor over time, I didn't know what was happening, but he was teaching me how to love my kids, like, you guys were teaching me how to grow up and be a man, because I've never grown up, like, I feel like I'm 21 today, you know what I mean, and it's like I'm 42, but I feel like

26:03I'm doing things now, like, you know, having bills in a place, and car with insurance, and paying stuff on time, and sticking to my word, and not lying, like, those things are all things that you guys taught me, and, you know, I'm just so grateful for that, like, I'm so grateful of this program, like, if you're new here, man, and your life hasn't, it's going to suck at first, like, I was, I was telling my brother today, like, there's going to be days where it sucks, and you're going to question, like, is this working and stuff, and it's like, I had those days in my sponsor would constantly tell me, like, he put things into perspective for me, like, man, it's, you know, you remember when your kids didn't want nothing to do with you, and you remember, you remember being homeless, like, he would do these things for me, and at the time, I didn't really know it was, it was working, the program was working, but it was in those moments that it was working, and now, I can look back, and I have this evidence to where I can, I'm like, okay, my life sucks right now, this is happening, I don't like the way I feel, but I have these tools that I can use, and I have

27:09a higher power that's gotten me through much worse situations over the past three years, so, like, nobody can take that from me, and as long as I stay clean, just for today, like, it's going to get better, man, and, you know, just keep coming back, whether it sucks, whether you don't want to, whether you're getting a paper sign, well, it don't matter what it is, dude, like, just keep coming, man, let us love on you, until you can love yourself, and like, I don't know, that's one of the greatest gifts, I appreciate you guys letting me share. Thanks for coming, it's great. It's a barb. Yeah, I lowered my hand. Oh, dot Paul caught it. He's learned some technology. I lowered my hand. He said, I thought I unmuted. He's always asking me if you had a stroke, I'm like, I might have shit, I don't know. Anyway, and when he was talking about a shock in him, I can remember doing that, where you tell people shit, that would be one of my ways to make you back up from me, or go away,

28:13it's shock therapy, you know, and I can remember that really laying some shit out there in the rooms. And I think recovery becomes a contact process. I was a lot of people don't like hugs and stuff. I think I knew from day one, I needed, I craved, you know, the touch, and when they said, I love you. Now, was I uncomfortable? Yes, very much so for a while, you know, but I knew that I craved it too. And the only alternative is to stop using and start learning how to live, you know, and I had a client today that I said goodbye to twice, they left, and I've had them, and I was sad, you know, and I was able to be sad, I was able to say goodbye. I think Greg was talking about all this stuff I never did, you know, my first therapist left, and I was emotionally unavailable that I could not properly say goodbye to her, because I just didn't have it in me. It was the first year, you know, and I was able years later to go back and say goodbye, you know, but I was able to say

29:15goodbye and hug them, and I watched these people for 15 years, you know, retire and get old, and him getting to mention her take care of him, and it was very sad for me, you know, but I was able to do it, you know, and I didn't think, well, I got to medicate this, even I got to go get an energy bar or something, you know, I just thought, you know, this is sad, but this is a part of life, you know, and even I face my own mortality in times like that, and I still, you know, it's okay, you know, and I like that last word, it says, we can finally look another human being, and I be grateful for who we are. Do you remember the first time you could look somebody in the eye? I do, I mean, how I would always look down, and it was the first time I was coming on a year clean, I got up and told my life story, and they said, don't do a fifth step, and I did a fifth step, and what I realized is that I held my head a little higher, and I was looking people in the eye when they came up, the guy came up and said, I hate you, what do you say, you high-bottom,

30:16had X or something, you know, because of my story, and you know, and I was able to look people in the eye, and I'll never forget that, you know, and that was like Paul said, being on, is telling that 2%, you know, that we don't want to tell, so yeah, that's some of the stuff I thought of thanks. Thanks for his comments, Barb, it's up Cam. Hey, yeah, Cam, Edic, I also really like the end where it talks about we can look another person in the eye, and and genuinely like love who we are, because I think that's a really big gift in my recovery today, I probably wasn't able to do that when I first got clean, but nowadays, like, I don't know,

31:17like just steps and like staying clean, and sticking with the program has made me be just really comfortable with all parts of me, like sort of like warts and all, as they say, and yeah, and I'm just not super interested in whether somebody likes me or not, well, you know, because I don't have to pretend to be anything that I'm not today, I don't have to pretend to be like smarter than I am, and I don't have to pretend like I'm better or worse than anyone else, you know, and yeah, that just, that just works out better for me, and I really like being that way, and the part about like the hugs and stuff, and recovery being a contact

32:24thing and fear of touch or whatever, I think I was definitely more confused about that than I was like uncomfortable, I mean, yeah, I probably was like uncomfortable because I thought that a hug, especially the lingering hugs that I sort of found in NA, I thought it was like, oh, okay, this person wants to fuck me, you know, because that's pretty much all I knew at that point, I mean, I lived in the great outdoors for the better part of like 10 years, and that's just kind of how that worked, and so yeah, but I just kind of kept my mouth shut about it, like my sponsor, my first sponsor was a big hugger, and so, and then my mother, one time I brought my fucking mother to, and my home group, and she saw my sponsor, my sponsor was a woman, and she saw my sponsor hug me, and it just went on forever, and my mother was shocked, she was like, I can't believe

33:26y'all do that, that's crazy, and, but I'm just like, yeah, it's all right, you know, and, but yeah, I'm definitely not super afraid of that today, and I used to be, and with this more like revolted by, you know, being the initiator of a hugger, hugger, a touch type thing, and that's just not a problem, any more, you know, it doesn't bother me at all, so thanks for letting me share. Thanks for those comments, Cam, we might have to town permitting, we might have to circle back, and hear more about the great outdoors, it was very nice, very nice, what's up, Patsy? Hey guys, so I, I cheer really dig the security of the fellowship and the love of the fellowship, but what this reading spoke to me about, and reminded me, is that this fucking disease is deadly, it's fucking fatal,

34:28and, you know, once we get here, we get a taste of what life can be like, and we have to have the willingness to stay, you know, I'm saying, we learn in a way out of life, we get comfortable, the longer I've been around here, the more people were varying, you know what I mean, and it's just, it's just fucking sucks, and it doesn't have to be that way, and it's like, I've been hearing all the other things, it's also recent, like, well, it's not okay to tell people, oh, just keep coming back, you know, if your relapse comes back, no, fucking don't relapse, don't fucking leave, like don't leave, you know, utilize us, fucking utilize us, we do have a strong fellowship, and we can walk you through some shit without you having to be alone and go out and fucking use a dot, it's just crazy, but I just, you know, anything to save a life today, this is a life-saving fucking program, you know, I started, I started doing a new H&I panel, and just seeing the looks on their face, and it's awesome that, especially when you can see some light in their eyes, and you see

35:33them connecting with the people on the panel, but there's so many of them that come in, that come in and then leave, and they really never give it a fucking chance, so really, you know, for me the biggest thing is fucking willingness, willingness to stay, willingness to grow through, you know, growing pains, willingness to continue the program, like, it's a life-long program, the disease is progressive, our recovery has to be, has to stay in front of it, you know what I mean, we can't let our complacency slip back into just, into backing away from the program, you know, I kind of feared that a little bit, that that's something I might do, because I used to be in a program, and I used to have accountability, and I don't have that fucking accountability anymore, but dude, I'm scared, like, I don't want to fucking die, is what I'm saying, like the streets, the drugs, the game, I just ain't about it anymore, because I have built a life where it's living today, and the disease is fucking fatal, and I don't want to die, I don't want to see anyone else die, so, yeah, I want to be

36:37part of that secure loving fellowship, so that when newcomers come, we can love them up, and we can keep them safe, and they can learn a new way to live to where, you know, at least dying from drugs is not an option, thanks. Thanks for those comments, Patsy, our folks, let's go ahead and jump over to page 93, so this is chapter 9, just for today, living the program, is a title of the chapter, and so for the next seven pages we're going to read about, like, hey, what can we do in a program today, how can we keep it in the 24 hours, and so for our italics, what we'll do, these tell yourself statements, the just for today's statements, there's five of them, we'll read them one at a time, comment, if you want to come in, and if not, then we'll go through those. So, Eric, would you be willing to read the tell yourself just for today, the first one, and then comment please? I'm on, yeah, just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs, yeah, you know, that's a good start, you know, to good start right there, man.

37:40I love living life without drugs, man, you know, like I, don't laugh at me, Tory, it's the truth, man, like, you know, because I use my whole life, man, so like honestly, getting clean was a whole, it's like, it was like getting high, you know, I mean, like it was, it was the opposite, you know, I mean, I was experiencing life, and I still get to today, man, like I look forward to it on a regular basis, man, anyways, I'll comment further down. All right, thanks for those comments, Eric, looking at this and thinking about where I'm going to put, where I'm going to put my thoughts, my desires are going to follow, you know, I think like the first part of that's really important for me to, to know it's like, hey, for right now, this period of 24 hours, this chunk of time, I'm going to be intentional about thinking about my recovery, because we were talking, we were talking a little bit earlier, you know, in the week about like your fioric, is that how you say, you, you fioric, you, but that's a tough one. Anyway, when you, before the recall, huh? You forgery call, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so, so, you know, and that can happen with you,

38:42man, like we talk about the term that you hear us talk about is like romanticizing active addiction, I need to be careful about doing that. And then living, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs, man, that was something that, um, don't remember getting 12 steps and thinking, like that's it, like I'll, I'll, you know, like the pain, the obsession to kill myself, and I'm may, may, you know, be able to, to, to kind of like make, make, do and get by a little bit and really didn't have that many, that much expectation about the journey. That was about to, that was about to start, but bro, I can, I can, I can sit here in front of you and say without a doubt, dude, there, there are many seasons in my life, man, where I am enjoying life. I'm a, uh, I, I find enjoyment, I get, I'm easily excitable, you know, I start getting pumped up, I'll stutter and shit, forget what I'm talking about, but I'm in the moment, man, like I'm experiencing freedom, you know, and, and, and, and so, so I think that's, that's really cool, man, if I can be

39:44intentional about, about starting out my day like that. What's up, Paul? Yeah, well here. So, um, I have, I have trouble with the just for today sometimes because I want to get ahead of the, I want to get ahead of the game, and this program requires me to, to dial it down, Paul, dial it down and just take what's in front of you because I'm, I'm a good yeah, but I got this, I got this, I got this, I got this, and I got this, and this, this whole reading reminds me to just breathe. So, if you're new and you don't see how any of this works, it's okay, it's okay, just don't get high today, go to a meeting, talk to somebody, call your sponsor, and just relax, it's going to work for you if you don't pick up,

40:46because I thought it would work for all of you people, but I was pretty sure that it wouldn't work for me. I, I was too fucked up when I got here, and I just knew that it was not going to ever work for me. My mother said, you're a pathological liar, Paul Martin, and after I looked up pathological, I, I, I, I realized that she was right, I was a path, I, I lied even when the truth would be sufficient, and I think that honestly in the first step is there for a reason to learn how to not lie as much anymore, and, and that's what I have to do here is learn where it's okay to tell the truth to you. So, everybody who's listening, I'm sure has something that says, if they find this out, I'm not part of the group anymore, and this is the only group that I've ever been in, where that's the thing we want. We don't want the pretty, pretty, pretty, all, everything's

41:50working, and everything's great. We want that fucked up shit that you think it doesn't justify us loving you, because we all have it. And when you take the risk to tell me about it, I go, I thought I was the only one. I thought it was just me. And so, if you're listening to this, and you're thinking, yeah, but they, as soon as they find this out, that will preclude me for being a part of this fellowship, I'm telling you, that's the thing I want. That's the thing I want to know. Thanks. Thanks for his comments. I had a couple comments. It was my hand up. It doesn't share enough. So, I like the, just for today, like Paul said, I don't know how long it took me to be able to stay in the moment, stay in the day. It wasn't, it wasn't at first. It took a while, you know. A lot of my stuff, I, I, people that say, oh, I did this at this time, and I did this at this time, and this

42:52at this time, that's not my, I was too shot out. I can't tell you when I did this, when I did that, when I did this, I can give you a general time frame, you know. But it says, my thoughts will be on my recovery. I remember when they said, if you put anything before your recovery, you'll lose it, you know. And, and so my recovery, what did you, so I say, Douglas, my recovery, I wrapped my life around my recovery, not my recovery around my life, you know, that's been, that was important when you first said that. And living and enjoying life without the use of drugs, I, to me, this was so serious, this disease that I forgot to enjoy life part for a time. I was on a mission. I had to stay clean. It was so, you know, and I didn't enjoy life, you know, and, and somewhere along the way, thank God, I realized that, you know, like you say to Douglas, my recovery isn't fragile, I need to enjoy life. I can take this serious and I can enjoy life and have fun too. So thanks.

43:52Thanks for those comments, Barb. It's up great. Yeah, I was thinking, I wanted to comment on, you know, he was talking about romanticizing, you know, the book talks about us, our disease wants us to remember the good times and forget about all the, the horrible, you know, desperate moments that addiction brought me to. And, you know, that's me, like, and I'm still working on that, like me and my, me and my fiance, like, we're, we have such a good relationship. We'll, we'll just be in a general conversation about stuff. And then before you know, like, we're telling war stories of this stuff. And I have to really back in because I'm like, yeah, but my life is so much better today. And, you know, like, I can catch myself doing that. And it's like, that's my disease. Like, I'm able to, to realize that, like, and I'm able to really back in. I can get lost in that stuff. The just for today, like, doing what's in front of me, I'm still learning how to do that. You know, I'm still a baby here.

44:52And I need people to help me with that. I need my sponsor to tell me the truth whenever I'm jumping too far ahead of the game. And I am, like, you know, I lost my job a month ago. I wanted to go into crisis mode. My bills are pulling up. I've been out of work for a month. Like the, and I'll focus on that stuff. But I'll miss that, you know, I lost that job because God opened up this new job for me and my daughter to work together at the same, at doing the same thing, you know, helping people. And like, I'll miss all that because I'm focused on what am I going to do right now, you know, and I'm able to see that my HP that's gotten me through all these situations over the past three years, he's going to get me through this too. And I don't know. I've found freedom in that, trying to focus on my recovery, living and enjoying life. I've never known what living

45:53and enjoying life was because the obsession for me at such an early age, my whole life was drugs, drugs, drugs. And basically that's it. Greg and drugs. That's all I've ever thought about. And today it's like I get to enjoy life. Like I get to be there for my daughter, get to take my 10 year old to a daddy daughter dance, you know what I mean? I get to be there for my 21 year old, and for my 18 year old when they call me like I'm able to show up for them. I'm able to listen to them on the other end of the phone and not try to tell them what they need to do or they shouldn't do this or shouldn't do that. Like I'm able to just allow them to kind of figure things out on their own, but being present. Like I'm able to be present today. And I don't do it perfect. You know, like I suck at a lot of things. You know what I mean? I do. But I'm trying, you know, and as we talked about before about showing other people grace, I'm able to show myself grace today too. It's like, you know, okay, I screwed this up. Let me try to do something better tomorrow.

46:54And I don't know the just it gets some freedom in that. Thank you all for let me share. All right. Thanks for this comments. Great. Catherine, would you be willing to read that next statement? So we'll start out with tell yourself in the second just for today's statement. All right. Just for today, I will have faith in someone in a who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. I'd like to make any comments. Yeah. So believe in me. Like, you know, I burnt every bridge. So it was hard to believe at the beginning that someone would believe in me. You know, but I go to meetings and I share and I don't know what has come out. If it's even like comprehended or if it's all like ridiculous, you know,

47:56but then I get girls coming up to me after they're like, thank you so much for sharing. You know, I got so much out of that. And it's like, wow, like I didn't realize what I'm going through helps other people so much. And you know, I've made some close friends in the program and they believe in me today. And now I can actually experience like true friendship. I've never been able to have true friendship before my life, you know, ever. And now now I do, you know, and people believe in me and are there for me. And yeah, I'll share the time. Thanks for his comments, Catherine. What's up, air? Yeah, this is the one right here, man. This is the one that makes me think about John and my sponsor. Yeah. And like Catherine was saying, like, believe in me, you know, I'm so sick of fucking having potential unrealized potential. You know, I mean, that was the tropes since I was a

48:56kid, man, you know, like I was in gifted classes in school. And all it was always the trope man, Eric has so much potential. Eric has so much potential. I didn't want the fucker potential. I mean, I had to do work, you know, but like I finally had to come to realize, like, you know, I proved them all right, right? Like I don't have any. And I finally, you know, decided to have faith to someone who believed in me and wanted to help me in my recovery, man. You know, like, I talk about John so much because of how influential he was in my life, but like, you know, he was so sure that this program worked. Like, I believe I started to believe that it would work, man. You know, and he believed in me. You know, like, I just had to stop overthinking that shit and deciding, right? Like he shouldn't or he's wrong or any of that shit and like, buy it, bro. You know what I mean? Like if this person is willing to put in this time and energy with me, why would I not avail myself of that? You know, it's what I wasted my whole life,

49:57you know, ignoring opportunities, man. So I think God, thank God for narcotics anonymous, man, and like, and having this written, right? Like this, I'm sure this had something to do with me, like paying attention to that. Like this guy does believe me and wants to help me in my recovery. Why don't I fucking let him? Thanks. Thanks for those comments, Eric. Is that Tori? Yeah, there was a guy when I got clean, he probably still does it, but he would, whoever would read this, of course, I only noticed it when it was me, but when somebody would read this, he would say, I believe in you and not, you know, some of us, me included, have big feelings about like interjecting during the readings, but that shit, like, changed my life for real, because nobody had ever told me that, you know, and I think that it was true. Like, I think there were people before that time that did believe in me, but nobody ever told me that, and that guy said it to every fucking buddy, but I didn't know that then, you know, I was like, wow, this guy really, and still does, you know, like I'm in contact with that guy today. But like, when I think

51:03about him and that and the impact that that had on me, I think about like, like, I saw something online the other day, it was like International Women's Day or whatever, and it said, you know, behind every strong women is more strong women, and that's, that's been my experience, you know, like everything I have accomplished in my life has been because somebody told me that I could, because I still today, with nine years clean, 29 years old, do not think I can on my own. Like, I need somebody to tell me you can do it, because I, you know, I am an accomplished professional, like I have done all sorts of really cool shit, and still, when there's something in my path, I'm like, I can't, you know, that's still the fucking tape that plays, and so, you know, without the people in my life that tell me like, I believe in you, I know that you can do this, um, I would just say here, and you know, like, let life happen to me still, so that's what I got,

52:05thanks. Thanks for those comments, Torin, sub Steven. Yeah, hey guys, um, so, yeah, all the just for today, I like the setup as it takes me through this, but the, my thoughts of being on recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs, so I've got to quit using first, um, and I like that desire follows our thoughts, you know, because my thoughts were all over the place, but then, then I will have faith in someone in H&A who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery, and I was like, why the fuck would you help me? Um, and I couldn't comprehend that at first, and when we, we read the just for today, and uh, it wasn't red, we read it in our home group every day, every meeting, um, every day, and uh, it wasn't red a lot in our area. Um, I don't remember where I was introduced to it, uh, you know, I mean, obviously I'd read it in the basic text, but it, um, it started showing up, showing up, showing up, and I really had a problem with this at first when I first got here, with this,

53:06you know, and the, and so I had to break down, you know, my sponsors suggested I break this thing down, and so the, and the faith part is, is not certainty, it's trust, and so, and I, and I learned how to have trust, and that's okay, and because I did, I, I believed y'all, I came here, and I heard which I had to say, and I was like, damn, you know what? Um, these fucked up people that I think are unqualified to help me, I believe them, and I think maybe they, maybe they can't, and um, yeah, and so that, that was the part that made this okay, and I started, um, I don't know, this, it seems like maybe my dive into this was, was my, really my, my authentic dive into literature, at one of the deeper level, to where I really started internalizing and started processing, it in a little bit different way, some of that. Thanks for those comments, Steven, I was thinking the same thing, dude, I was going to be my comment too, like if I'm struggling with like, yo, what does faith look like, and, you know, in somebody or whatever, I can, I can put, I can trust into people who are carrying the message

54:09to me, and who are committed to staying clean, and telling me like, hey man, we're in the same, we're, you know, as I say, I like to say, they're, they're another hobo on the bus, just with me, you know, just with me. So, so, Patsy, would you be willing to, I think we have, we're going to do that third one, we'll do the third statement, open it up for shares, thing that's going to wrap us up. So if you could start with tell yourself, and then it'll be that third statement. Tell yourself, just for today, I will have a program, I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. Um, so yeah, even though I'm a very structured, regimented person, having a program, um, so that I can follow it is very important to me, and I, you know, um, I, you know, I just jumped in 1,000%. When I got here, I was so beaten and broken, I was ready, I was absolutely ready, and I wish I could tell everybody how, how, you know, how that point comes, but it's different for everybody. But for me, once I was willing and ready, I'm, I want to do all the things, all the things,

55:15I want to, you know, the step work, I want the H and I, I want the committees, I want the sponsorship, I want all the things, and um, that has given me such a firm foundation, like I, you know, I have rooted myself into recovery, and I've had rituals now, you know, I, I pray in this same time, same way, I, you know, do my spiritual principle, I do my gratitude list, it's just a way of life, and I don't have to, I follow it to the best of my ability, I don't have to be perfect today, you know, but I do have to be willing, and um, when I fall short, I have a 10th step, you know, I'm saying I've got solutions today, and you know, if I, if I just have that part, I'm, I'm really winning, you know, I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be willing. Thanks. Thanks for coming, it's Patsy. What's up, Jen? I am, I love this one line, because it, what I read from it today, and it was different when I was

56:21newer, but is that I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. That gives me space to be human, right? Because I got here, and I thought, well, first of all, I was like, I ain't doing any of this shit, y'all can kiss my ass. That was my first thought, and the second thought was, you know, black and white thinking, right? I got to go all the way in, right? And if I fuck it up, then I'm doomed and gloomed and like, you guys are going to kick me out or some shit like that. You know, it's like school almost, right? It's like, if you fail, like, like, we don't want you to be here anymore. And now today, even though I'm not good at being like, accepting my humanist sometimes, I try to follow it to the best of my ability. You guys gave me some tools, and sometimes I use them, and sometimes I toss them aside, and sometimes I forget I have them, right? But I always have the program. Like, the program isn't going anywhere. Jennifer makes decisions sometimes that doesn't follow it to the best of my ability. But I do always have an opportunity to have a program that when I'm doing it doesn't fail me. I fail program doesn't fail me. So thanks.

57:26All right, thank you for spending the last hour with us. Thank you for walking with us on this journey. Please reflect on what was discussed and apply it to your life. As always, if you know somebody who could benefit from this resource, please do provide it to me. If we can help it anyway, doing a partner with you, share some of our experience with getting this resource to other people, reach out. Any channel on the podcast number, Facebook page, maybe know somebody on the squad. Let's reach out to us. We're here to help. Namaste and God bless.