Bad Advice: Only Time Heals

0:00Wake up wake up with good vibes and variety. Oh my God. That's brilliant. We got to do that. Sarah and Vinnie Alice 973. Bad advice 973 at gmail.com. All right, you guys. Are you ready to help some people out? Heck yeah. It's all grab our San Francisco Bay coffee and take a slug race ourselves for this. Delicious. Oh man. It hits every time. I know. So good. Maybe who's done moochom. This one is titled bad advice and a love letter to Sarah and Vinnie. And it is very sweet. It's it's sad. This is this is not a super awesome problem. But they do slurp us. But they do slurp us. So it's right and it's actually really it's very sweet the way she ties her life in with her experiences with us. It's it's really nice. So here we go bad advice. Long story short, my dad has late stage dementia. He's at the point where he has had a hard time

1:04communicating. He's irritable, paranoid and can be vicious when he's lucid but also needs around the clock care for his safety. It's been extremely taxing on our family, especially our mom who is the main caregiver. He will most likely be moved to a memory care facility in the next couple of weeks, which is the right answer for everyone. But it is so tough. I thought that I adult with my grief of slowly losing him over the years, his personality, his love and his memory, but picturing him in a facility by himself is incredibly heartbreaking. I've been trying to throw myself into hobbies, see friends, try to keep myself busy, but it's a weird feeling to grieve someone who is mentally gone, but still physically here. I know this show has been through so much over the years, Sarah dealing with the cousins ALS Vinnie losing his dad, Maddie losing his brother and more. How have you all coped with grief and loss any guidance on how to get through this? So let me get to the love letter part and then we can take on her grief, side note and love letter. My dad and I used to listen to the show, so this is the dad who's suffering with dementia. My dad and I used to listen to the show since the beginning. He would

2:06drive me into the city for school. We felt like there was so much overlap in our lives at the show. We used to live in Mill Valley and my dad also worked for the airline, so we were able to fly standby. My dad was a big surfer in his day, really felt connected to Vinnie and overall he thought you all were hilarious. As the years went on and my parents moved out of state, I continued to listen throughout the years. During COVID, I spent a lot of time with her dad on road trips and I would turn on your show. He would say, they sound so familiar because he was losing it. He said, they sound so familiar and we're still laughing and commenting along with you all. Sometimes he'd roll his eyes and say, oh no, not these people again. It would be listening closely and smiling throughout the show. Unfortunately, the default to negativity apparently is a huge side effect of dementia. According to her, but I would remind him of the commonalities you all have and he always enjoyed it and felt connected to you all. Thank you all for the memories I was able to share with him. I know this is going to be a hard chapter for me, but I'll keep listening to you all as my comfort show.

3:07Grief is really personal and it is incredibly difficult. My grandfather also declined and didn't know who we are. That's a really common experience for a lot of people. There is nothing for it. It's time. When you start to be depressed about it, the only thing I would suggest is I've learned to do a redirection thing that I do for a lot of things in my life because I'll spiral down bad thoughts and I was taught to have a group of things that are pleasant to think about and start cycling through that list, like put yourself on that list. Think of wonderful things about your dad, things that you love, memories that you had, even the story that you shared about us, that's so sweet. Find ways to redirect. You can't get past Grief. There is no quick fix for it in

4:09my opinion, but find strategies to help yourself remember the good stuff and not the terrible stuff because it, I mean, into every rain, into every life, some rain must fall. We all lose people. We all go through this stuff and it's terrible to watch someone decline like that and the whole grieving before someone's even gone is a, it's real. Like that is to know that someone's going and you're in your way, you're lucky to have those times and maybe here and there you do get a peak at your old dad. But for me, it's time and a strategy for finding positivity when you start to spiral. Vince, Bob. So I would say Sarah nailed a couple things perfectly there, which is this is a normal part of aging. Like the worst scenario is your dad had to grieve your loss,

5:09whereas a young kid, like that's not the way. This is the way. So that's one thing. You're right. This is the, it's happening in the correct order. The other thing is you, I believe this about almost all humans, let yourself feel it. You do have to feel it and you do have to grieve it using alcohol. Like I think you have to have coping mechanisms and skills to pull out of that in order to get your work done each day and in order to get to sleep at night. But I also think you need to feel it. You don't do yourself any good, being in denial or finding way negative ways to cope with this like booze or drugs or whatever. So I have some people that can be like an automatic turn to. Right. For sure. Here's how I cope with this. The other thing I will say is that I just had a friend go through this and I know his mom because we all grew up together in the same neighborhood. And his mom was racked with guilt,

6:11racked with it just because she was dealing with this person who could no longer make good decisions would walk off and there would, they need to be lost and they'd have to go find him and it was just one of those things where he went. I needed a cookie and then he forgot what he even wanted to cook like it's just the amount of stress she was under. And yet she didn't want to send him to a place where he could be looked after and she held out as long as she could. You have to not feel guilty for needing the help to keep this person from harming themself, harming someone else. Yep. Like you just have to be do what you can to be so that you don't come back to it and go, I wasn't there for him at the end. Like visit him. Yep. You can visit him. You don't need to visit him every day with every waking minute, but visit him. Right. But this is one of those things where the guilt is, I think that's a

7:12huge part of your thing. Don't want to put their people into places where they feel like they're not at home. They're not getting cared for by someone that loves them. It's sometimes it's the best choice for everyone. So while I'm saying that you this is all normal. It's all stressful. It's all part of this process where you are, you are a family and you love someone dearly. You also have to look at, I don't know, is the mom, did she say, is her mom still? Her mom is caring for her. She says, here's what she said about it. Our mom is the main caregiver. He's most likely going to a memory care facility in the next couple of weeks. So the other thing is, and I believe this because I watch my mom go through this and I watched my friend's mom go through this is, you have to be there for her too. She's losing her life partner and watching him deteriorate and experiencing the most stress of her entire life. The grief, the stress, the pressure. So the guilt, while you get to have your own grieving period,

8:17you also need to look after your mom and that's another thing that will help you by helping her. And maybe talking, talking through it with her is helpful for both of you. That's nice. I think you too nailed it. I couldn't not have anything if I wanted to. I'm very sorry. Yeah, that's the bummer that you're going through this. This is, that is, it's terrible. This too shall pass. Time will pass. You'll just remember the good times. And actually, thank you for sharing it with us because that was, I sort of loved thinking that she's doing a road trip with her dad who's declining and he hears us like for the first time. These guys put this, these guys again. No, it's very, that actually is an important bad advice, despite not being about backdoor or anything. It was, it's, we all experience this. It's all something we go through and we all need to be reminded that there's, there's normalcy and everyone is experiencing this same kind of stuff.

9:18And I think it's good because we should care about each other as humans like you really don't ever know what someone is going through in their personal life and it's a good, just to be a little more gentle with each other and just try to try to be a considerate thoughtful person. I think that watching kids play it, they don't do it as much, but I remember myself experiencing that you go, you know, something would happen. Your shoe comes off whatever you times out, times, times. Life should freaking have that where you are in the midst of a divorce or declining, you know, parents, health or whatever, wherever you should be able to go, I can't work today. And we don't really have that. I mean, we kind of have some ways you can take a leave, but it's brutal to go live a day when you are experiencing the loss of your dad. That's very difficult. I know. And experiencing it for such a long time, like the dementia is just

10:20the worst. I think we all really fear. I fear that. I fear it for my husband, my parents, for, you know, everybody's. It's for myself. It's to lose yourself is incredibly difficult. And to you actually put it really well with the mom is losing in the process of losing her life partner, the person that she was going to go off into the sunset with. And listen, the feelings, just because I know what my friend's mom went through, the feelings of frustration she would have also brought her guilt. Like, I can't handle this. It's too much. And I feel terrible, but I also can't drop him off at some place and drive away. And that is creating incredible stress in the partner's life. 925 says I lost my dad to dementia five weeks ago. It's called the long goodbye because we've really been losing him for a long time. I made the most of my time with him, walked, played games, whatever I could to make his days better. It's so

11:23sad and hard. So cry, let it out. Only time will hear you. Vinnie nailed it. All right. This next one is interesting. It's kind of like, uh, what's going on here? Situation. Well, I'll tell you. And then I feel like I feel like that's ultimately what her question is here. Like, what's going on here? Uh, an investigation. We shall launch a little bit. It is, it, hmm, here we go. Uh, hi, sir, Vinnie, Maddie and Bob. Maddie, we're hoping is back on Monday. Uh, I randomly found the secret show podcast on Apple about 15 years ago. And now I'm a loyal listener through podcasts from SoCal. That's amazing. I love that. Me too. Here's my situation. I've had a crush on this guy for over 10 years. He was a vendor that would come into my work weekly. We would occasionally text once every few months just to say hi during that time.

12:25So just a, just a guy who came by will place that she worked, and they somehow exchanged numbers, body block. Last October, he sends me and I miss you as a friend text. We went to lunch a total of two times in the last 10 years. So since we started texting in October, I told him in November that I had a crush on him for 10 plus years. And this made this, yeah, this made him speechless. So he reaches out. I don't know if there was a lapse between I had a crush on a guy for 10 years of energy came to my work. We would occasionally text last October. He sends this. I miss you as a friend text, maybe something changed in one of their work lives or whatever. So he texts her. So and it says here we went to lunch a total of two times in the last 10 years. I don't know if that means while they were seeing each other a vendor at work. Yes. So we started texting since October. I told him in November that I've had a crush on him for 10 plus years. This made him speechless.

13:26But he told me he was not going to start any kind of relationship because he was badly hurt during his last one, during the pandemic. His girlfriend got pregnant and married to someone else because he would break quarantine. So he wouldn't go see her. And so she just started seeing someone else. Uh-huh. And then got pregnant and married and moved on with her life. He lived with family who was highly susceptible to COVID. So he didn't want to get them sick. He doesn't want to break. He doesn't want to go to, it wasn't like they could go move in together or anything. So he couldn't leave. He didn't want to expose, potentially expose his family to that. He says he thought she was the one like this girl that married another guy and for me. Right. He values our friendship and doesn't want to hurt me. But he's open for friends with benefits if I'm willing. I told him no. Okay. Thank God. Here is the part I'm confused with. Ever since November. So a few months now, we have texted and talked on the phone almost daily. He's invited me to his apartment almost

14:31every weekend, just his friends. And we've been just talking at his place. Nothing romantic has happened other than him hugging me and not letting go after he drank a little too much. He's told me he will not make a move on me because our friendship is valuable. I've told him I won't make a move either. Although I think I made the first move by saying I have a crush on him. That's the dumbest standoff I've ever had. I know. She goes over to his apartment every weekend. She told him she has a crush and he and they're actually clearly are talking about this. Like I'm not going to make a move on you. Our friendship is too valuable. So she says here's her thing. It's like what's going on here? Am I crazy for continuing this situation for this long? Should I just punt this guy? Is there something else going on that I can't figure out? I need some bad advice. Thanks for advancing. H-Y-G-L with lots of O-F-O-C confused in SoCal. That's hope you get laid and overwhelming feelings of concern for anybody new to the show. Really listening. Like for real. Yeah. That's nice.

15:34So this is a person who you told you had a crush on. You're now going to his apartment every weekend. And he wants to do a friend with benefits so there's an attraction. Yeah. But he's all I'm not going to make a move. He's not ready. He has to deal with the pain from his last relationship and he's not ready to get into something new. And he figured out both blowing their weekends. They're not going to not going to find anybody else while they're doing this. I mean, in the end, I tell you what's going to happen. You're going to make a move and it's going to be a friends with benefits things. That's what he wants because that allows him to hold you at arm's length and not get over his other person and you're going to be doing the thing you didn't want to do just banging someone with no commitment. And you're going to keep getting feelings and he's going to have feelings too, but he's not going to be able to commit to you because he hasn't dealt with this pain. I don't think you can change this guy. No, I don't

16:36think you should enter into trying to fix him. He needs to figure that out on his own. If this is taking you away from dating other people and taking your energy away from every weekend. Yeah, but also it's so could be a great friendship. Yes. And maybe she says I don't want to not be friends anymore, but I also need to move on with my life and I feel like I'm in a weird limbo. Like, could you say I'm not going to come hang over here every weekend. I just I told you I have feelings. I'm going to take a step back and then maybe he realizes she she I miss her or maybe he doesn't. Right. And then you also have your answer. That is definitely the strong, wise, independent woman thing to do. Hard to do them. It's impossible to do. In my opinion, I just can't help it. I know when you like someone, you just want to be around them. Yep. All right, Vince. I think you punt. I think you punt. And I think that this is one of those

17:37scenarios where he's been up front. And you didn't take him like letting you know straight up because you like him. But he you will somewhere down the line. If you continue through this process to end up as a friend with benefits. And now you're trying to wrestle him into a real relationship. But he's still pulling this like I told you. I told you. But he did told you. He did tell her. And she pushed through that because people do not listen. It's not that she didn't listen. It's actually wants this other thing. And she feels like she can, you know, wear him down. But that's why would you want a scenario where you've worn a guy down and he is a guy. And so he is ultimately, you know, gonna. He wants to. He already said that to you. He offered as we can do that without anything else. And I feel like that is the common move for dudes

18:41today. It's very common. It's like I was talking to you about that girl in New York where every guy that she was dating is a friend of Christina's every guy this girl dated as soon as she put anything on him in like the slightest like a piece of rice-sized need. Guys go. I'm out of that. I'm out of that. I'm out of anybody. Go somewhere with you that I don't want to go. Nah. That's not happening. I'll just I'll just lose you. Bring it to my house. You know, put it down on me and then get out. That I'm in for. But you need something for me. Nah. This is what he's setting up on you. And I don't think he's a bad guy. But this whole like, I'm I'm broken from this. Okay. I'm broke. Yeah. No, just let him be broken. Oh, him being broken. Yeah. Just do not help him through this. You will end up in the end. Bert and going.

19:42I wasted X amount of time of my life. And he told me. Yeah. He doesn't have that for me. But I kept I persisted. And I, you know, we've seen so much romance sort of storylines in our life. And I'm as guilty as anybody. I want the guy to get the girl and I want everyone to be happy. I want the ending to be, you know, with the sunset and the background and the two lips touch. Oh, they did it happily ever after. It's just ever one wrong again. No, I just don't. Yeah, I just don't. I feel like you're setting yourself up for that down the line two years later. I did this to myself two wasted years later too. Like get just move on. It is okay. I'm not friends. Yeah. Sure. But you're you want more than that. So if you're not until you can. He's made his needs clear. You should make yours. I need more than that. I already said no to the friends with benefits thing. Call me if you want to date me. Yeah. 408 says he's just not that into her. 4015 says he's keeping her on the hook and she needs to

20:48punt 95 says sorry, Bob. He just wants to hook up. COVID was so long ago. I know. I know. I think that there are guys who think this and it's working. Maybe it's like romantic that he can't let go of his first law or this love that he had. It's not romantic. He needs to work through that and not drag so you're going to be hung up on that the rest of your life. Punt. Bad advice 973 at gmail.com. We would love to take on your problem. See how I think we just really help some people today. I feel good about it. Oh my god. That's a great idea. You're waking up with Sarah and Vinnie. Alice 973. All morning.