Ask Uncut - Recycling Partner Nicknames

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. This is

our skunk cut where we answer, you're deep, you're dark and you're burning question. I have a

question for you all. Do you guys ever try it with your partners about Adbin? Oh I am in a

do I do anything else? No, I don't. We don't live in the same country so we don't have any Adbin.

I need to check if this is okay for me to share before it goes out. Kisha, no, the answer is no.

No, I know where Kisha's going. It is not Kisbek. We had a forgiveness on Saturday and then I saw

Brittany very shortly after and she was shooketh to her course. She was like, did people actually argue

like this and I was like, yes Brittany, all the time, what are you talking about? I've just never

had a, I have never in all my relationship history argued or known anyone to argue like Kisha

argues. I would love to know Kisha, you're a fast little number. I am fiery and I can be a little

bit stubborn and turns out my, I think my partner's way more stubborn but we got into an argument.

I actually can't even remember what it was that it stemmed from. It was probably something so

stupid it always is. It's always like about some like, you know, you didn't take the bins out of

some shit but we got into an argument and we were driving to go and meet Brett and we had

Bonnie in the car and so we're gonna get the dogs to meet up and anyway we got like to the end

of our street. We were just, we're having a crack at each other and I stopped and he just got out

of the car and walked home and I went to Bondo by myself but what was the fight about? What were

you arguing about? I know. Do you? Yeah, you told me. He cooks for spend seven hours cooking when

he won't do any housework. And you were like, that's right. And he was spending hour and a half

putting the gym timer up but we do the bin. Yes, student do the bins. It started from something

very small. Anyway, he's got an outlook on. He just, you just walked home and I was like, am I supposed

to stop and wait for you or am I supposed to continue to Bondo? Anyway, I got to Bondo and I told

Britt and she was like, what the fuck? I was God's man. It's like when you're a kid and you're

being a real little shit in the car and your mum would pull over and be like, if you don't stop,

you can get out and walk. I had to walk so many times. Yeah, I put out before. That was a kid. My

mum was threat nurse. She never actually made me get out. I don't think I ever got out and walked

anywhere but I was scared of the threat. Oh, I got my 10,000 steps in nearly every day.

I guess she was quite a problematic child. We would never do that to our kids these days. Like

back in the day, you could be like, get out and walk her at a highway like, you know, 17 kilometers

from home and you'd be like, so long as they're home before dark now. No, wait, no chance in hell.

Like, I don't even think it's occurred to me to pull over and threaten that because I'm like, I don't

want to send my kids to therapy. But I feel like the flip side of that is that all of our children

are just going to grow up entitled. Like, they've never been threatened anything in life. No, mine

because mine are frozen. Okay. If you don't behave, I'm going to defrost you. I'm going to defrost you.

Can I get a quick read of the room? Are you more like me in this situation or brick? It was

shook us to her core that we have a fight like that where he would get out of a car.

No, because I just keep driving. I've seen Laura's fight style too. Laura's in match. You guys

are on par with each other. Thank you. No, the difference about Matt and I, though, is like we

antagonize each other on purpose. And like, it seems like a fight from the outset. But we're

we're like, up, up, up, up, up, and we'll go up and up and up and up. And then one of us will

storm off. And then 10 minutes later, they come back and we're both laughing at each other about

it. Like we, we de-escalate faster than what we actually escalate, usually. And it always

been there since some of them. No, you were there for that one. Matt came downstairs and we started

laughing. Yeah, but in the entire, the one argument, I cried in the spa. You've known me for

seven years. The one argument that Britt always brings up, we had it in front of her. And she was

like, I'm going to go stand outside. She was on the phone to meet Shuri. It was like when your parents

fight, you know how you're like, please don't break up. I think that's an act of kindness.

That shows you how close in the fold you are. But it also is one of those things where like the

entire argument transpired and we'd made up in the space of about 15 minutes. Like it's such a quick

turn around. I admire that. We don't stay in the anger at all. No, I needed to get Keisha's

follow-up too. I said as soon as you get home, I said, text me what happens, do you kiss and make

up? What happens? How long are you fighting for? Is it 24 hours? Is it going to cook you

do not anywhere? I got the update. So it didn't last too long. No, just a week. I require a lot longer

than you do to come out. No, mine is, mine is like, I'm very, very quick to come back. And it

always is that one of us will make a joke. And then the other one's like a fuck off. Then it's all

five. And then they just finger each other. What is wrong with you? Everything. Why? Why is

I so shocked you as you were? The reason why you're with me? You guys are the ones that get out

of the car. I really hijacked that story though. Sorry. It was particularly topical. It only

happened the other day. Oh, look, there's not a lot to this. But the reason why I'm asking is

because I feel like increasingly in the last couple of weeks, Matt and I, the only thing that we're

fighting about, and it's not even a fight, but we're bickering about like an old married couple

that have been together for way too long is admin. But we bicker about who does more admin,

because Matt does objectively. He does more admin without a doubt. I'm not trying to argue with

him on that. But I feel as though because he does more of it, he thinks I do none. And so like,

it's all these, it's the extremes of it. Is that when like you booked Poppy into the hospital

for a health expert? That admin that you do? Poppy is five months old and I still haven't registered

her for Medicare, but it's fine. It's going to happen. I reckon that's where it stems from.

Anyway, I just don't know, I don't know how you get out of this. I feel like we're in a point

scoring situation at the moment where we both think that the admin that we contribute to our

relationship is equally of value. And I know that someone like Terry Cole who we've interviewed on

this podcast is all about good relationships and boundaries setting would be like, you're both

just too set on winning. And the truth is, yes, we fucking are. And we both want to win this argument.

I'm so sorry. In my relationship, I am the Matt here. And I need to tell you that all he needs is

a bit more appreciation for the admin that he does, because not all admin tasks are made equal.

It's true. He just wants me to appreciate the admin. Yeah, you're ungrateful bitch.

You're not even and you know it. You know it. Because I was just like, say, yeah, I get it.

There's always one person in a relationship who's the admin person and one person who's not.

Why do everything in my relationship? Except cook. Everything. But I get that's very specific.

It might be different one day on Ben lives here, but like, I am over adulting man. I do not want

adult anymore. I have to, but I have to because he can't do it. He's not in the country.

No, it's a tribute. You're going soon. You're not here for that much longer.

The stuff like if you know if your car breaks down or something or like you need to put a tire on

it's a little things where you've got baby, can you go fix the tire? No, I have to do everything.

When did the car break down? Oh, time. When did the tire break? I'm pretty sure I took your car

to the mechanic the last time you had a flat tire. The one before that. Oh, I got. Okay, this was

my question that I had to ask though. Is there in every relationship one person who is the admin

person? Yeah. And one person who rides on their coat tails? Absolutely. Is there? Because I think

I'm having the right of my life right now. You are. You're like Aladdin. You are like Aladdin.

And he's like appreciate me, but I'm like, I can't admit that you do more or maybe you

will be the person. You're your own worst enemy. I swear to God. Anyway, guys, what's your vibe

to the week? Okay, my vibe for the week is one I actually got from Keisha. Keisha's had it

for a little while. It's a grounding mat. It's not a grounding mat. It's a Shakti mat. It's not a

light. The sensor light. It's not a wind blower. I reckon I get two messages a day from people

asking for the link to the sensor light. You know what? I'm going to put it in this episode. Okay,

just so that everyone who wants to do it. And do we get paid for it? Yeah, we should. We shouldn't

affiliate link for that. This one is if you have a dog or multiple dogs. It is from Marlow and

Co. Obviously we're going to link it. But it's basically like a platform seat thing. So it's like

you put it in the back of your seat. It hooks onto your back seat. But it almost just extends out

where your legs would be. So it just gives a bigger, harder area for your dog to sit on. And then

it's got like these little seat belts, the holes that come through so you can clip your dog in. It's

very safe. It's got zippers up the side. So it gives them a space. It gives them more space to actually

be able to lay down. You can just brush off sand and water if you've been at the beach. It's just

not that I've had a problem. Delilah is a really good traveler. She just gets in the back in

one spot, sits down and doesn't move. Like she's not chaotic. But she does come with me a lot of

places. So I feel like it just gives her more space and a safer space. Isn't it also it stops all

of her hair molting all over the car. If you've got a dog that molts, isn't that the whole purpose

of it? It's not the whole purpose. But it's also, yes, it's like a protection. So it's like it's a

platform. It goes over the whole back seat. So yes, it will stop sand and everything falling down

into your carpet. That's the biggest thing. Like Buster, I love him to death. He is my angel,

but my god, his hair. It's everywhere. It's such like thin needlies like that hair. Do you know

I had my car detailed and they couldn't get the hair out. So they just spray painted the carpet.

Do you know how I know this? Because you gave me a floor runner rug years ago. I'm talking like

nearly three years ago. I'm still getting Buster's hair out of it. That's true. Yeah. And it gets back

you nearly every day by the robot. But this shirt is actually just made out of Buster fur.

For Buster, I think the best thing about the platform thing is that it is hard. Like if you insert

these bits in it. So if you have multiple dogs, it gives them quite substantially more room

in the back of your seat. So you can get like a lot of car seat covers, obviously, which will do the

sand and the hair problem. But the reason that this one is so good is because they just get so

much more space. That's it. All right. Well, look, I have a vibe at the week. It is rogue at

bear with me because it's not something that I would normally be interested in or care about.

A diary. It's about Admin. It's a diary. It's an admin organizer. No, it is a documentary

on Netflix. It's called Queen of Chess. And it came out this year in 2026. So it's actually

fascinating. Like I don't care for chess. So I feel like I'm the perfect person to recommend this.

I don't care for chess. I don't know how to play it. I've never showed any interest in it whatsoever.

However, it is fascinating because it centers around this woman. Her name is Judith Polgar.

She's from Hungary. And it's around her rise to success and around how like deeply misogynistic

chess is as a game. It has always been for the gentleman. There's never really been positioning

for women. She became a grandmaster. She was a youngest grandmaster and she became that only

15 years old. The reason why this is so fascinating is because not just of her and her sisters

who are chess prodigies, it's because of what her father did to create her. And so there is this

real thread that runs through the documentary around can a genius be created or are they born

a genius? Her father, he conducted a social experiment on his daughters. It's your face just

then is exactly how I felt. However, he is a very loving man. You've got to remember this is

post-war Hungary. They were destitute. And he was like, what can I do to get this family out of

poverty? And this is a communist time in Hungary where everyone's supposed to be in an even playing

field. But he was like, what can I do to get us out of this poverty that we're in? And the cheapest

thing that he had access to was a chess board. And so his children played chess every single waking

hour of the day. Have you seen all they do? It's not, well, I mean, Queen's Gambit is probably

has some loose ties to this. I've watched Queen's Gambit, but that's obviously a fictional story.

The story itself, and like I said, the part that I found so fascinating was how her father

parented her. She doesn't have any animosity towards him now, but at the end of it, there is some

really interesting like psychological moments throughout it. Her rise to chess fame is incredible.

It's also set during a time where chess was a really prolific cultural movement. And I

fucking loved it for someone who's got no interest in chess. I thought it was utterly fascinating.

It's called Queen of chess. It's on Netflix. And it's a really fascinating time in history.

Cool. My vibe this week is very different to those two. I actually got this from an Instagram

account. I guess it's kind of like a double vibe. The Instagram account I got it from is Bri

on a budget. She's got nearly 100,000 followers. She's actually from Newcastle, which is my hometown,

but I've never met Bri before. And she has really good tips and tricks on underconsumptions.

So like how to save money, but in ways that doesn't make you not have a life or not enjoy yourself.

And it's this app and it's called Petrol Spy. And so you basically just download it and you can

you have to allow it to check your location. And it comes up with every single price of petrol

in your area, particularly relevant at the moment when petrol prices are skyrocketing.

Insanely high. And you know, continues to climb and climb and climb. So I found it really,

really useful. And the other day my car got quite low. And so I just opened up the app and like,

you know, there's I live in Sydney, like there's a million petrol stations around, but one was like

10 cents cheaper than the other. So I just went to that petrol station and filled up. It all adds up.

Yeah, I reckon I probably saved 15 bucks from it. So if you are, you know, money conscious and

you want to find it's the exact same stuff. It's just cheaper at certain places. So Petrol Spy

is the app. And I found it quite useful. Amazing. Well, let's get into your questions.

All right, question one. Is it weird to want my new boyfriend to call me the pet name that my ex

used to call me? Now, I am not one for pet names, especially ones like Bubbaib, lovey, cutie, etc.

But in my past relationship, I adopted the name potato. Like, um, lola.

Little potato melon. Yes, weird. I know. But it was because part of my name was similar to the

word potato in his language, but I loved it. Whenever I heard it, I felt giddy and personalized

and special. I really missed that word. I feel about potatoes. Especially the low carb ones.

I really missed that word and I yearned to be called potato again. I am very much moved on

for my ex and I love my current partner and saying potato doesn't bring ex desires. So is there a

way that I can ask or play out to my new partner that I want to be called potato? Or do I very

sadly have to let this go? Haha. You cannot ask your, your now boyfriend to call you potato.

You fucking can. You can. You can. You can do whatever you want, but that doesn't mean it's,

this means you should. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should do it.

This is funny on so many levels because even if, okay, great that it doesn't remind you of your ex,

that's great. I understand that like you feel good with a name. So if you want to be called potato,

sure. My question is, I don't know if you can pick your own nickname. I don't think you should go

to your partner and be like, my nickname from here on in this potato. Like, that's weird to

me to be like, can you now call me potato? Because if it doesn't come naturally, like a nickname

or an endearing name in a relationship comes very organically. I don't think you go to them and say

from now on in, I'm called potato. I'm here on in. I want to be named solely as potato. I wonder if,

okay, usually nicknames come up and nicknames often are the same nickname that each person calls

the other. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you start calling him potato, will he call you potato?

No, they can be different. Like how you and Ben both call each other squids. That could be the same.

You could just call him Tates or Tater Tots and see if he starts calling you potato.

Actually, I don't think Ben has like an I call him squid, but I also call Delilah squid and I

also call my niece squid, squidlet. Like, I love that's the squid family. I love the

calamari. I love the under the sea family. But I don't think Ben, he'll sometimes say squid,

but he doesn't really have a nickname for me. I'm just like a bait. Hey, baby. Like, that's what he

says. I don't know. I want a nickname. The weirdest nickname I've ever had was pooch,

so I dated a guy who called me pooch because he thought, I don't know if he was just calling me a

dog, but he thought puppies were really cute and then he'd always like, every time we'd see a dog,

he'd be a little poochie and then he was like, and you're so cute. You're like a little pooch

and then somehow I just turned into pooch. And at the time it was really endearing and now looking

back, I'm like, that's fucking weird. It's what happens with nicknames. They're weird and then

all of a sudden you're like, I'm special. I'm a pooch. I do think that what you said about the

fact, you don't get to pick your own. No, you can't. I don't think you can ask a potato. Maybe

you could ask for a different roast vegetable, but you need to like plant the seeds. Well, if Ben

came up to me and he's like, could you now call me sexy head or something? Whatever. I'd be like,

no, like it's weird. If someone tells you it just has to be natural. So I don't know how you

would organically, unless you're like cooking one night, you're like, potatoes are cute. I love

potatoes and hope he picks it up. I don't know. You know what? Call me potato for now on,

because I love them so much. I think the thing is though is like even knowing like for myself

having that as a nickname pooch was like fucking 15 years ago. And it was cute at the time.

I would never try and get a new partner to call me that name. Even though I like quite

enjoyed it in that relationship, I think it's like special to the relationship. It makes sense

from the relationship. It's a nickname because it's come off the back of something that is meaningful

to that person. You said it was, you know, potato is close to your name in his language.

It has no reference for your current partner. So to just get him to call you potato, it won't

even feel the same because it doesn't come from the same like cute inspired meanings. She's like,

do you know my last name in Croatian is potato? She's trying to get him to think about it.

Nick, names are sacred to the relationship. Also, like I know you say you're over your ex and I

truly believe that, but I do not believe that if you are every day or all day called an nickname

that you had such a fond attachment to in that relationship, I don't believe that there's

going to be no thought or no feeling it ever pops up. And I'm not saying it's like it's not going

to be like, oh my god, I miss him. But that is the association. That is the period of life. And

as humans, our senses are far too high to not be able to associate it with that.

You form a new nickname like that special to you guys and you will eventually love that nickname too.

Like if that's what your partner uses for you all day and you have that love, you will form

that bond again. It's just that you need to find what that new thing is. Yeah, but even so, I don't

think that you can say I want you to come up with a nickname for me. Like if that's not in his

normal remit, like if he doesn't just spontaneously come up with that, nicknames don't stick when

you tell someone to use it. Do you know what I mean? They're only stick because the person who's

come up with that finds it endearing as well and wants to use it for you. I think what you could do

is I think you as much as I say you can't go and say give me nickname. I think you could in a way

sit down and say hey, like should we come up with cute nicknames for each other? Like I think

you can have that conversation or play this in the background pretend it's not you and then say

what do we don't really have nicknames for each other? Like make it organic, play this on the TV or

something and then say and then he'll think about it and then you've got to force it the worst

it's going to be. I know, but it's obviously important to what she's written in. My other nickname

which I would call exes was tuts. I would call them I thought it was like my little microfeminist

moment. I would call them tuts and they all liked it just to diminish tuts. And so I was

fucking your knees. Thanks tuts. All right, next question. How do I call out a friend that constantly

brings up her own experiences when I share mine? For example, if I share something about my kid,

she won't even acknowledge it and she just shares an anecdote about her kid. Or if I tell her about

a work thing she'll respond by saying how she's been so busy and her manager is being difficult,

it'll just be something about her work. Sometimes I think she's trying to show me that she gets it

and is being relatable. But talking to her is so invalidating and exhausting and I don't know

how to call her out on it or if I should call her out on it. It really seems like she thinks she's

being a good friend when she's just making every single conversation about her. When I read this,

my very first thought was, oh, your friend has undiagnosed ADHD. Maybe she has diagnosed ADHD.

She doesn't know that she's like conversation mirroring. So like a lot of people do this as a way

of showing that they understand and they relate to. They actually do it. They're not doing it to

try and story top you. They're doing it because they want you to know that they understand the story

that you shared and they feel connected with you because they have a similar story. But that's also

not ADHD thing. That's just a relatability thing. A lot of people do that. Oh, it's very symptomatic

about ADHD though. It's actually got a name in ADHD spaces. It's called relational storytelling or

anecdotal empathy. And I didn't know that this was a thing until I was diagnosed and then I realized

that all of my closest friends also had ADHD and that's why they never brought it up. The fact

that they thought it was so rude because we all do it to each other. I think it's crazy to

limit that to ADHD. I understand it's a symptom of ADHD. But I think most people, that's a very

natural thing to do is to say, oh, that's happened to me too. Yeah, I think that the reason that they're

doing it is the important factor here. If they are doing it because they don't give a shit about

your life and that they only want to talk about themselves, that's obviously very self-centered and

you don't want to be friends with someone like that. Most of the time, and I think I hope I fell

into this category more and I didn't realize how much I did this, which is why I kind of feel for

your friend if they also don't realize that they're doing it. But it was something that I did a

lot and I found out after the fact, I thought that I was showing you that I understood the emotion

that you were experiencing because I was sharing a story about how I had experienced something similar

and therefore we could work on a solution together because it was something that I also related to

and I understood to a deeper level than just hearing you and being like, oh, that sucks. But I

think that's hard. I think that's like 80% of people. I think everybody thinks that. If somebody tells

you a story, that's something that's happened to them and you know, that's also happened to you.

The very natural thing is to also say, oh, my God, this time, this session, session, session,

session, such happened to me and then all of a sudden the conversation continues. You show that

you want to stand each other. But what you said is the key. It's the why and you've said it. You

said in here, I think she's just trying to show me that she gets it and be relatable. Like if you

know the why, I don't think you call someone out on it. You don't call a friend out and say, well,

like, fucking stop, stop stopping me. To be fair, I felt embarrassed when I found out I did this a

lot. I felt embarrassed because I was playing situations back in my head and I realized how common

it was and I was like, oh my God, how many people have thought that I was so rude and I'm actually

glad I found out that I did it because it made me be able to put strategies in place so that when

I was in a conversation with someone, even if I felt that impulse to be like, oh, jump in with

your story, I had to remind myself of being like, no, most people in the population perceive that

as being really rude, they just want to talk about themselves now. So finding out for me,

although initially it really sucks because you're quite embarrassed about some of your past

behavior and feel a bit ashamed about that over time, I'm really glad I found out.

Yeah, I think it's in how you do it. I think that there is a conversation there. I mean, especially

if you're at a point where it's affecting your friendship, if you're not able to have conversations

with your friend because you feel like everything you say feels as though they're not even validating

what it is that you're saying to them, their instant response is to tell you how they've experienced

the same thing, especially when sometimes the example that they bring to the table is actually

juvenile in comparison to what you've just experienced. It's really invalidating, like

incredibly invalidating. And I think if you're feeling like this on repeat instead of just discarding

the relationship or the friendship, which is probably where you're going to get to if you're

that frustrated by it, is having a conversation and kindly letting them know that sometimes they

do that and be like, I know you're not trying a story top, but I just need you to tell me that it's

going to be okay, not give me your version of this. I would never. I would never. And I think

it depends on what it is, right? If it's about your divorce, it's your husband's cheating on you,

if it's somebody's really unwell and they're sick or they're in hospital or they're dying or they

have passed away or something that you know is really serious and heartfelt, of course. Like,

people want to be heard and listen to and understood. So if it's these things that you were trying

to talk to your friend about and then not even validating that you've said anything and they're like,

oh, my grandma died too. And like, they take that from you. I think that's the conversation. But

when it's about something that's like, you're just saying something about your kid, the only thing

they've probably got to talk about is also their kid. And I think that that's a real bonding thing

when it's about, but the two examples she's given is like, if she says something about work or her

kid, I think that's pretty crazy to have a sit down and say, stop storytelling when I talked

you about my kid. Like, that seems weird to me. I don't mean I don't mean have an intervention.

But I mean, what you can say is is like, I just really want to debrief with you on this because

this is like upsetting me or something that is, if there is something that is upsetting you and that's

one of your closest friends and you really want to talk to them about it, but you're never able to

get past the just telling the story part because the conversations cut off and then they're telling

their story. If that's happening on repeat, I think that there would be a kind way of going about

it so that you actually have a conversation that's not just, do they ever ask a quick, like, if I

was telling you about my life, but you never asked a single question and only responded with your

life, I probably would stop telling you about my life. I'd be exhausted. But you're saying what I

just said, you're just saying it but something that really upsets you. Her examples are not. She's

like, I say something about my kid and she'll say something about her kid. That's how a conversation

work, but it's probably the frequency. I just think that like, when you, I'm all before, you guys know,

like the number one thing we say here is like, have a conversation with your friend, with your partner,

like, be, be communicative. I hate that word. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. I over-enunce

that word every time. Communicate. Well, like, that's the number one thing we say here, but I do

sometimes think occasionally it can cause more damage than good. And sometimes in a friendship

like that, if you know it is so innocent and they have a really good heart and it's day-to-day things,

maybe you don't speak as often, but I think you give grace to some people. Like, she maybe wanted to

talk about her issues at the same time. Like, if she is also going through the same things, if she

also has shitty work and shitty kids, I just think you have to choose your battle sometimes. And

people do communicate differently. If you know there's no healing tense, sometimes I think, okay,

is sitting down and saying to my friend, you've got a stop story topping me. Or like, when I talk to

you, just listen, it's going to cause some kind of a rift between it because that's all they're

going to think about from then on. And he's like, what do I say here? Can I contribute or is she

going to? No, I really want to be clear. Selling your friend, do you story top me? Or I just want

you to listen is never going to go down well. And that is absolutely not the advice that anybody in

this room is giving or how do you say it? What I'm saying is is if there is something that is

a conversation you want to unpack with your mate. Like, if it's something that's happening to you,

and I don't want to like trivialize the kids thing because like, if you're a mum, it could be

something that you actually really need to unpack and want to talk about. Not just like, what's the

fucking feeding schedule of your five month old? You could ask a question or tell them a story.

And if their instant thing is and just be like, oh, I really want to be able to, I really want to

ask you this. Like, I really want your take on this. I know that you've experienced it, but like,

I really want you to like tell me what you think of this. And then prompt it in a way so that they're

not instantly replying with the story, but they're answering it with a question just to try and

break through that. I don't think that telling them that their story topping you is the way that

you should navigate this. But I think that there is a way of navigating the conversation,

especially if it's about something that's important to you so that you both feel like you're

hurting this. The very last thing I'll say on this is I wonder if it's just you that this is

happening to or if you've noticed it happening within other social circles that this same person

is doing the same thing because I think something I was really guilty of, especially in dating,

was that I would continue to share stories and I would share stories about myself because I felt

as though that was carrying the conversation, you know, and I was doing the heavy lifting of

continuing the conversation to keep going. And I eventually realized that apparently people also

don't like that. But I thought I was doing the social thing. I thought I was doing the thing that

helped the situation. So if she's only doing it with you, that makes me kind of question, well,

are you facilitating more conversation? Is the only reason that they're talking about themselves

because they don't really know where else to go with it? And they feel like you've just done

and monologue. So now it's there. Turn to have the talking stick. If they're doing it in more

social situations, it would indicate that, you know, they might not be as aware of the fact that

they're doing it. But problem is is that now you've noticed it and now it pisses you off. It's

going to keep pissing off. Not going to be able to, you're not going to be able to flick the

switch back and be like, oh, I just don't notice this now. So I think that the only way you're

going to be able to feel satisfaction in your friendship is remove it from the group chat.

He's just stopped inviting them anywhere. All right, question three. I've been with my partner

a decade. We were about to get married very soon, which also makes me worry about the advice I give

because I'm not going to be here screwing up. He was relationships. All right, hear me out.

Since early on in the relationship, he's always followed loads of women that post very sexy content

and actually just loads of women in general, often liking posts. This used to really affect me

when I was younger and it made me feel super insecure. He was fully aware of how I felt about this,

though time and time again, I was having to remind him of why this hurts me and I wasn't okay with it.

Even though he'd continue, but then he turned it down over the years. Fast forward to now,

I feel so much more secure in myself and I feel like I've grown so much over the years with

myself confidence. And I also trust him. Honestly, rarely thinking or worrying about what he's

up to on social media. However, just today, I asked him if I could look at something on his

phone or on Instagram. My phone was dead. And instead of him just handing his phone over to me,

he kept the phone and went to the search bar and asked me, what do you want to look up?

About to look it up for himself. As he did this, I noticed he quickly started deleting multiple

searches from his recent search history. I immediately asked why he felt the need to remove his

searches and why it was an issue for me to see. He didn't really give me an answer of what

the searches were, but said he didn't want to get in trouble. I asked why he felt like he'd get in

trouble. And obviously, it was something that would be upsetting for me to see the fact that he

decided to remove them immediately in front of my eyes. He said he was sorry and it was something

he shouldn't have been looking at, but didn't really admit to what. Now, sorry, I wouldn't say I've

ever been a controlling partner. And I know it's so normal for men to look at other women and think

that they're attractive. He has free will and I have no right to be looking into his search history.

However, my issue is, with him seeking women out on social media constantly, even when he knows

it gets under my skin, it's made me feel really icky. Is this normal? I don't feel like I'm asking too

much to expect of a partner that isn't looking at other women on social media constantly. Or am I

overreacting? That's fucking weird. It's a look. I probably is normal that men are doing that and

looking at things. It's not normal for them to hide it from you and keep it from you and not admit

to something point blank. When you've seen it, you have asked a very direct question. You have

said, what were you looking at that you had to delete right now? And he said, I'd rather not say,

like, that's the part that I have a problem with, right? Like, I don't want to say yes, it's

completely normal and okay for men to look at porn and whatever, but they do, right? They do.

If I found Ben looking at porn, do I care? Not really. If it started to impact my life, yes,

if I had told him it was a problem and he was still doing it behind my back and then lying to me,

it's a problem, right? But if he Googles it every now and again, I couldn't care less. That's my

personal, honest feedback. But if I asked him point blank, if he was hiding something in front of my

face and I saw him do it and I said to him, what was that? And he said, not telling you none of your

business. And it would make me crazy. It would make me. We'd be fighting about more than admin.

Wild and less had get out of the car and walk home. Yeah, but unless you were like on the cusp you

may be of, and this is me like clutching a straws of an engagement or a proposal or a birthday or

something that he could actually, it might be fathomable and reasonable that he's hiding something

from you that could be good. But he says we're about to get married very soon. So they're already

engaged. Yeah, but maybe it's a bit. I'm just saying, like, I'm just covering bases, right? Like,

if there's a possibility that it's a surprise or a birthday or whatever, let it, the dogs lie.

But it just doesn't sound like that's what this is. It sounds like he's fucking hiding something

from you. Yeah, I really struggle with this one because like, you don't know what it is that he's

hiding. It could be a break up of a offense. It might not be. It might be something that you feel

really angry about. It might not be like, we don't know what it is. And it's not even about what it

is that he's actually hiding. It's about the fact that he is saying I'm not going to tell you

or he's going to lie to you about it. It's such a pointed statement. Yeah, it's the lack of

open communication and it's the lack of him of him feeling as though he can't speak to you about

it because he would rather he would rather admit that I don't want to tell you because I don't

want to get in trouble. It's so bad that I would rather face your wrath and say that like and just say

computer said, no, I guess for me, I would be asking a few questions of myself because that type of

behavior would make me feel insecure. I know you say that you're super confident you trust him.

You've come into your own that you don't feel as insecure anymore blah, blah, blah.

If my partner was doing that, if he was deleting the search history in his browser,

because it was something that in his mind was so bad that I couldn't see it, that would build

an insecurity in me. Like that would really I would find it really hard to just I guess like just

be totally fine with that. And I'm not saying the people aren't entitled to privacy. Like he is

entitled to privacy. He isn't titled to look at the things he wants to look at online. But I think

it was the way in which this moment unfolded and it was the deliberate freak out around whatever

it was he was looking at. And I think that there needs to be some conversation there around like

I trust you to do whatever you want and to look at the things that you want to look at online.

But if we have a conversation about it because you have actively deleted things in front of me,

there has to be some transparency with me. Like you have to give me some sort of insight because

now you're creating an anxiety in me that that shouldn't be there. You're making me fear this,

you know, whatever this distrust is. And that's a you problem. You're creating that by putting

this seed in me. But I want to know how the conversation went because for me, if I was like,

what was that? And he said, sorry, something I shouldn't have been looking at. I would have said,

what? That's what I mean. How does that conversation just end there? How does your conversation be like,

okay, how did you not torture it out of here? How do you not say what the actual like tell me like,

I'm not this conversation is not ending until you've told me what it is. Because I just feel like

in my situation, if somebody, if he has actually said, I know I shouldn't have been looking at it,

I would be pushing that. I would need to know. I would not sleep again ever after a small one.

And then the question is, where the problem is? No, the question that comes from it is like, you're

you got two options. Don't speak to him until he tells you. With hold sex. No, silent treatment.

You got two options. You go through his shit, which we don't encourage. I don't want to do that,

yeah. Yeah, you don't want to be doing that, but you also don't want to get pushed to a place

where you feel like you have no other option or you sit down and say, hey babe, I haven't stopped

thinking about that. It's really bothering me. Can you just put me at ease and tell me what it was?

I understand it's something that you probably shouldn't have been. I'm not going to get angry

about it, but it's making me more mad that you can't be honest with me than what it even was.

And I think just telling that and obviously trying to weasel it out of him, if he's still adamant

that he will not tell you, if he's still refusing to tell you, that is such a trust boundary

breaker for me. That is a real, I'm like, oh, you feel like you can't even admit to something.

If it's so bad, it makes me be like, what are you in the manosphere? Are you subscribed to

Andrew Tate? Are you watching Hancock porn? Are you having an online relationship with someone

else? Your brain is going to be sent into a spiral if he's absolutely refusing to tell you.

That is worse because that puts you in this purgatory way. It's all you'll ever be thinking about.

I think the thing though, and I'm glad you set up right at like, we don't end doors going through

his phone. Not because you can't look at someone's search history. Like to be fair, a search

history should be like a relatively open slather, I think, in terms of like, if I was using

Matt's computer and I opened up search history, I still wouldn't want Ben looking through mine

just because I'm weird and I look at a lot of weird shit. I don't want him to know how stupid I am.

Totally like five plus seven take nine. How to spill the thing is though is that there's nothing

in my search history that I would be like mortified if Matt saw it in there. Do you know what I mean?

There's nothing that's going to make him hate me or think that I've done the wrong thing.

I guess the reason why I'm saying I don't want you to look and I don't want that to even be

not a last resort, but like in anything resort is the only person you were rubbing by doing that

is yourself. Because if you look whether you find something or you don't find something, it's not

going to scratch the edge that you have. You'll look again, you will look again, it will become a

habit and then you will be that person who forever checks their partner's fucking website browser

behind their back and you don't want to be that person. But he's also not leaving his browser up

anymore. He just loan a lesson. He's deleting that as he goes now because he knows you're on

twin. Whatever it is, you're on to it. So I would just be sitting down or he's going in Cognito.

Like if he had a really close call and you guys had that brief conversation, he knows that it's

a thing now, but also don't necessarily jump to worst case conclusions. And I know that we've kind

of know because it could be something he's embarrassed about. It might not be something that you

actually going to be mad about. It could be something that he's like, I'm embarrassed I was looking

that up, you know, like he might totally we're giving a lot of benefit and he admitted it's something

he shouldn't been looking at. Just find out what the fuck it was and then tell us and we will do

an aftermath. Yeah, do ask. Put some spyware on there. Don't do that. That's a terrible joke.

Alright, next question. A little bit different this one, but I think it's very important and resonates

with a lot of people. Oh, my partner and I have been together. My partner and I have been together

for eight years. We live quite different lives where I work in a bar, which is obviously very

social and I'll often go out afterwards. He has a standard nine to five. We own a house together

and are getting married in May. We went to a wedding on the weekend and I noticed on the dance floor

all of these really happy couples were dancing. They were paying full attention to one other. They

were laughing, letting loose and having fun. My partner doesn't behave like this. He's quite awkward

and seems like he doesn't know how to dance or ever just relax and fully let loose. Others have

noticed it too. How can how can you get your partner to loosen up a little or is this expecting too

much? You can't say other people have noticed it too. That's the equivalent of like everyone's

talking about it. No, you can say that. Someone said that recently in Australia in media. No, you

can say that. You just don't say two here. Oh, how about in a turn, Akisha? No, I think that this

is hard. He's obviously like a bit socially anxious or like doesn't like, I mean, maybe not. Maybe

he's not. Maybe he's too cool to dance. Yeah. But it sounds as though he's a little bit socially

awkward and doesn't enjoy dancing. Loads of people don't enjoy dancing. How can you make him do it?

You probably can't. He's probably going to feel super awkward and doesn't want to do it.

I guess like, how important is it to you that your partner dances with you at a wedding or cuts

loose on the dance floor? Is it really that big a deal? I do think it is. Yes.

When we were trying to like organize the comments, like, which questions we were doing,

but it was like, this is a deal breaker. It's a deal breaker. No, it's funny. It's not,

oh, you know what? I joke saying it's a deal breaker. It's really up there for me. I used to say

my mom and my sister and Sherry and I, it used to be something we used to say growing up,

was like, when you're looking for things that you want in a partner, we used to joke. And it was

specifically about weddings. You want a partner that's going to dance with you at a wedding. And I

think it meant more, there was more in that, right? It's not just about letting loose, but it's about,

like, somebody that you know that is going to get up and have fun with you in life,

somebody that's not going to be too embarrassed to have those moments. There was more in it,

but specifically at a wedding, I would be offered if I was like begging my partner to come dance with

me when everyone else is up there and he's like, no, like he won't even do that because I don't

think that is about letting loose. I think that's about not even wanting to meet your partner halfway

with some things. Now, could he just be an extreme introvert and incredibly uncomfortable? Yes,

of course he could be. But I think even if you're extremely uncomfortable, you don't have to get

up and let loose on the dance floor, but you should be at something like a wedding. I think every

body should be able to get up with their partner and have a dance, whether it's a slow dance,

whether you're in the corner, but like if you're the fucking party, people that kind of

may be bothered to get up and have a moment with your partner, sorry, you're sitting in the corner,

like, because there are those people and I think lighten the fuck up, meet your partner,

meet the partner, because it really frustrates me. We used to say it's the front porch test. I don't

know if you've heard that. It came from a sitcom with Tenon Lilly, so how I met your mother.

And there's this one episode and it became a real cultural moment, but they do the front porch test,

which is basically like when you're looking for a life partner and you're dating and what do you

want in life? You think of being on the front porch, sitting on the front porch when you're older

and you're in your rocking chairs and it's the things that you would still be non-negotiables for

you and you would still be happy with. So are you still being able to talk to each other? Are they

still taking care each other? Are you still being able to laugh and have fun? Are you still being

able to get up and have a dance? It's all those little things about if you don't think they're

going to meet you on the front porch. And this is one of those things. If Ben was like, I'm never

going to dance with you, I'd be like, mate, either get up or get out. Do the way I'm seeing you,

fuck off. I don't feel as passionately as you do. So I think whoever's written this question in,

it comes down to how passionate you feel about it. This is a deal breaker for Brent. I mean,

my deal breaker is like, I don't want to go to cheat on me. Brent's like, if he won't dance in

me at a wedding, but the thing who you've also said, like, he doesn't really cut loose. I get the

impression that he's probably a little bit less socially vibrant than what you are. And we all have

different capacities, right? Like, some people are life of the party extrovert. They get their

energy from getting out there in the dance floor. They are the ones that create the vibe at a wedding

or at a function or whatever it is. You know, they make the dance floor. And then there's other

people who the thought of that not only makes them uncomfortable, but they just like, they don't

get anything out of that. It is an awkward, unenjoyable experience for them where they feel really

exposed. I don't think we need to force the people who feel really exposed into being that version

of themselves. You can try and like, coax it out of him. But if he's like, absolutely,

fucking no way, absolutely no way, I don't think you can make him be a version that he just isn't,

isn't out of his core. And I think what could happen is like, yeah, he might get up and have a dance

with you, but you're going to be able to tell he's not into it. You're going to be able to tell

he's not loving it because that's just not the person he is. You've been together for eight years.

He's obviously a homebody. That's the kind of person he is. He doesn't want to be going out. He

works his nine to five. You're the very social butterfly. I get that. I do think there's a bit of a

medical here. So I think it's a little bit deeper. I think she's just looking for connection. So

she's used the dancing as an example. We're at a wedding. We're dancing. But she's, it's what she's

saying. So she's saying, I see other couples paying full attention to each other. They're laughing,

they're engaging. They're having that moment. I think she's lacking that. I think that that seems

like he's not meeting a halfway with that. Like he's probably sounds pretty boring, to be honest.

He goes to work to his nine to five. He comes home. He chills. It's monotonous. They do the same thing

every day. They're not having the intimacy or the connection or the laughs or the fun or the

excitement. So I think I might be going too deep out. But I think this, the wedding example,

I think is a bit of an analogy for more. I think she's just wanting that connection. I can picture

this in my mind the way she's explained it. I can picture them sitting at a wedding. Everyone's

dancing having fun. She's, she's like, please come dance with me. He's like, no, and she's looking

out there being like, I wish I could have that. Like I think it's just that moment. And I do think

you cannot force your partner to be a social person and go out and drink with you and have fun.

If they're not that person. But by all means, you can force them to get up and have a dance with

you and winning. That is what it's the least he can do. You can. But what I'm saying is is that

if it doesn't come from a place of him really wanting to do it, you're never going to have the

version of what you see. Because if you're sitting there watching two people who both are like,

Foggan, let's go get dancing at maggot. Woo, it's a wedding. Like they're both voluntarily doing

that in their relationship and they're having a great time. But what you said here, my partner

doesn't behave like this. It's quite awkward and seems like he doesn't know how to dance or even

fully let loose. It doesn't matter if you get him off the chair and you get him on the dance floor.

What you're perceiving and what you're seeing in another couple that's up on the dance or you're

not going to get that with your partner, not to that level. I don't think anyway. Like so I don't know

if you're trying to make him be a version of himself that he just isn't. You might be able to get

another 20%. You might be able to get another 30%. You're not going to get 100% where he just does

this full 180 and is like, fuck yeah. I love being on the dance floor. Woo! Let me tell you that

bush. Get it on, baby. Let me open bar or no. Let me tell you a little story. Let me tell you a

little story. When I met Ben, Ben was, you guys know Ben, but most of you that I've even heard Ben,

you can probably tell even just through the way he presents himself. He's quite shy. He's quite

quiet. He's quite reserved and he was never going to go into that dance floor with me and cut

laps. He was not YMCA and he was not doing anything. I used to ask him about it and he said,

because I love to dance, as you guys know, and I don't get embarrassed and I just could have a good

time. He said, well, I've just never really done it because I've always felt like I drew too much

attention to myself because he's so tall. He's like, people already looked at me when I walked

into a room because I abnormally tall. Then when I'm on the dance floor, I feel like they're paying

more attention to me and he's such, he doesn't love attention. He found that really hard and so he

just never did it. Then because it was important to me, we went out quite a few times at the start

and I got him to dance with me and he did it because I was like, can we dance? He was like, yeah,

to make you happy will do it. Man, I can't get that kid off the dance floor now. He is a different

person. The last wedding we went to, he was on there the whole night. He was on there the whole night

for hours and three and a half years ago, that was a different person. I know that that's not,

that's one specific example. I don't know your person, but sometimes also we don't know what we

like. We don't know what we want until someone pushes baby in the corner, forces it out of us.

Do you think in your example, though, that meeting someone new and you guys both exploring who

each other are and like getting to know each other? This has been showing up in whatever version

Ben is. You don't know each other. Your early days dating is very different to trying to get

someone who you've been with for eight years to behave and act like a different person. If he

for eight years has been like, I don't dance and I don't want to dance, that's so much harder.

I think that the task that she has is far greater. I think before we're getting very hung up

with the dancing, I know that that was what the question was. This is so interesting. I really

want to, I think I just want to zoom out a little bit. If he is amazing in every other way,

if he is, you're getting married to this guy, okay? If he's like showing up in the relationship.

I mean, yeah, bring it up about your own wedding that you want to have a first dance, etc. But if

he's showing up in your relationship, if he's like supportive, loving ticks all the other boxes,

I think sometimes we have to accept that there is a box somewhere along the line that our partner

won't tick, whatever that looks like. Yeah, but we also have to, I almost think it's the opposite

Laura. I always think if you're eight years deep and this guy, all he has to do to make you happy

is meet your halfway and dance with you in relationships, you always do things that you might not

want to do to make your partner happy. If it's as little as dancing at a wedding, if you know that's

going to make your partner happy, row a set. That's what I think. I think this is such a, sometimes I

think we fucking beat around the bush here. The guy can dance with you at a wedding. He doesn't have

to be doing the worm in the middle of the circle. He doesn't have to be, I mean, that's what I'd do.

But like, I do think we have to meet our partners halfway sometimes. I wonder if this is actually

the bigger thing that she's experiencing is that eight years ago, maybe he would have been the type

of person who got up and did it. And maybe that's actually what the problem is. The problem is

is that he used to be more spontaneous. He used to be more fun. And now as your eight years deep,

you're like, where is that gone? Do you know what we need to do? We're actually like missing a

previous version. You need to go and do dance classes for your wedding. Do pre-organized dance

classes because then he doesn't have any experience. That's it. No, you drag him to that because like,

that's it's that is not in a social environment where he can feel socially pressured. It's you

and him and a dance teacher. You're learning your first dance. So you know, at least he's going to

get on the dance floor to have a first dance that you're wedding with you. And at least it gets him

to feel a little bit confident moving his body. Yeah. It's I understand it. I understand it. It sucks

when you have a partner that doesn't want to like, that's not on the same social level as you. It does.

And again, I think there's more to it. I don't think it's just about the nut bush at a wedding.

But I think there's more to it. But I think that you can 100% say like, it makes me for

really excluded when you're the only person that won't dance with me. And everyone's talking

about you behind your back. Everyone saying you're a shit ass. Oh no. All right, guys, that is it

from us. If you have any questions for us, gun cut, send them in. We want to know what questions

you have for us. We feel very grateful that we get to be your unqualified therapist. You can

sign into the DMs or you can send them to us at Life Uncut Discussion Group on Facebook.

And also all of our episodes are up on YouTube. So if you want to see us in the flesh,

you can go watch the videos and you know the drill. We were matching pants today,

but you'll have to see what they are on YouTube. So you mom told you dad told you dog

pay friends and share the love because we love love.