ASK ME ANYTHING, PART ONE | Brett Kaufman

0:00All right, welcome to the Ask Me Anything episode. We had a bunch of questions. We tried to narrow it down, so I'm excited to hop in and answer your questions. This is something that we're going to continue to do often on. As I do regularly get questions following the podcast and some of the content we're putting out and it's fun to pull it all together and just make an episode out of it. So, here we go. The first question is from Adam. What is the goal going forward and what is the motivation to keep going? Well for me, the goal is something that, and the motivation are really pretty much the same thing. I am attempting to use my experience as an entrepreneur, as a founder, as a father, a husband,

1:05a friend, a mentor, an advisor, a coach to give back, to really work with other people that are navigating the same journey of life that I am that maybe are at a point in their life where they're trying to get support with things that I have moved through. I'm trying to use the experience and whatever wisdom, whatever tools, modalities that are in my tool bag and share them with other people. As you hear on the podcast, the theme is this journey of life. Everything that I am doing really points back to that, that we are all the same, that we are all one, although we are all very unique and distinct, that there is this commonality of the journey of life that we are all navigating moving through.

2:07And on the podcast, we're interviewing people of all different kinds of versions of success, people that are coming at it from all different angles, all different backgrounds, doing all kinds of different work, but they're achieving at a high level and we're trying to unpack their path to the success that they're having. We're trying to normalize that experience. We're trying to show that people are coming at this from some common lanes, that there are things that you can see yourself in somebody else's journey. Trying to normalize that, trying to show people, inspire people, motivate people that they too can go on to do the same kinds of things that they're watching people on Instagram in the world, seeing others and wishing that was them. I hear this literally like, I want that to be me. All right, well, you can do it and let me show you how this person did it and learn

3:12from them and be inspired by them being motivated by them. So that's the goal. The goal is how to we support each other and that's my motivation is because I think that's why I'm here. I believe that, and this is the way in which I'm working with people that all of our purpose in life is to use our life experience, to use all of the good and the bad and the otherwise to wake up and to see how that has been informing your life and how it can be used to create from an awakened aligned place, ultimately in service of other people. That's what I'm trying to do with my work, that's what I'm trying to do with my life. That is my motivation right now and maybe we'll be forever. Okay, next question comes from Nicole looking back over your life and all of the experiences

4:13you've had so far. What has been the hardest lesson you've had to learn? How to learning that lesson shape your journey? Gosh. I don't know what I could say is the hardest. Right off the top of my head, I remember the moment I decided I needed to start my own business, the moment that I decided that I learned that if I was going to want to have the life that I wanted to have, that I was, if I was going to want to have the kind of freedom, the freedom of my time, the freedom of my money, the freedom of my relationships. If I wanted to be able to have the freedom to pursue the things that I envisioned, that I was going to have to go make it happen myself, that nobody was going to do that for me. I remember that being a really hard learning and also like every hard learning, a really

5:17amazing insight that inspired me to go off and really start my own business. That is the first thing that comes to mind. Probably not the hardest lesson though, if I'm being honest, let's see what would be the hardest lesson. I think the hardest lesson that I have received next, let me just say the next hardest lesson was that the things that I thought really mattered just didn't matter that much. This might sound kind of cliche, but I then went into a phase of achieving and validating and accomplishing and making a lot of money and having a lot of success and winning a lot of accolades and that was really fun and it felt really good and it did offer me a lot

6:19of the things that I was after in those freedoms. When you start to see difficult things happen around you, when you start to see candidly death and tragedy and health and relationship concerns, you start to realize that those things that you've been chasing and part of it comes in the actual achievement. Sometimes you don't actually really know that these things don't mean as much as you think they do until you have them. Part of the experience is in the learning of just doing and figuring it out and then seeing what matters and what doesn't. Getting to that mountain, top of that mountain and realizing that wasn't really what mattered and that wasn't how I wanted to spend the rest of my life, the rest of my time, the

7:21rest of my professional career for sure was also a hard lesson. Again, another hard lesson that ultimately is a part of this journey that does open doors for something much greater. That was the next hardest lesson and then I would say the last thing that comes to mind in the world of hard is in having really transitioned out of one business and moving into another, having moved out of one phase of your life and moving to another. I think I've had to really learn the hard lesson of who your friends really are and who your friends really aren't. Who actually you're working with in your company and in your community and in your life who actually cares enough about you individually beyond a paycheck, beyond what you can do for

8:22them, beyond what value you may or may not be able to provide for them in the future. Learning the hard lesson of betrayal, learning the hard lesson of friendship, relationships, what's transactional and what's transformative. Seeing that a lot of relationships, a lot of friendships, so-called friendships that I thought I had really were transactional and feeling a bit betrayed, feeling a bit surprised, blindsided, whatever, by the true nature of those relationships was very difficult for me. Points back to something that I learned and built a lead early on that when you're going to do anything difficult, when you're going to lead anything, when you are going to be a founder and entrepreneur, it's lonely at the top that there aren't many people who actually really understand what it takes to take those sort of entrepreneurial leaps,

9:26to take those sort of risks, to go to bed every night knowing that it's your name on the door, your ass on the line. At the end of the day, as much as you can build a culture that matters, a culture that you care about, that you can generate a lot of wonderful relationships, at the end of the day, there's really only a few people, and I think in my life I've been fortunate to have way more than a few, but there's really only a few that are actually going to stand with you, stick by you, that are going to love you through thick and thin, that actually really, really consider you a friend, really care about you. The hard lesson of realizing that, I would say, is probably one of the hardest things that I've had to experience professionally, for sure. Again, there is always a silver lining, and in this case, knowing who your people actually

10:29are, and knowing for sure that those are your people, is a great feeling. I no longer have to wonder about that, I no longer have to worry about that. I've got my people, and I know who they are, and they know who they are. That part is awesome. Next question, we don't have a name for this one, but it says, hey, Brett, how's it going? Came across your page, loving your content. Thank you. Appreciate it. I've enjoyed your video on the wake up calls. Most of the stuff I like, how it comes from difficult situations, appreciate the transparency of an ability. Looking back, which wake up calls had the biggest impact on your life, and how to completely change the way you think today? Well, we talked a little bit about this, and just in the last question, but yeah, I mean, I think the biggest wake up calls in my life came really, there was really two series

11:30of events. The first was I started in built to lead the coaching program with Chetscot. I went to the landmark forum, and I went to the summit at C, summit series first at C experience. And those three things happened all within 90 days, and in each case, something massively shifted in me. The first was with built to lead where I realized that it was possible for me to create an experience in my work that was one with my life, that I could love my work. It could be a labor of love, and my life could be integrated into my business. Happy to unpack that more. The second was going to landmark forum. For those of you that are familiar with landmark, if not, look it up. We will link to show notes, but at landmark, I learned that I could be the author of my own

12:35life, that I could create my life to be anything that I wanted it to be, that I did not have to let my past inform my future, that in many ways, what I had for breakfast this morning had more of an impact on my day. If I let it, then traumatic events from my childhood. And I came out of landmark with this idea that I could create my life with the possibility that it could be anything that I could be, in fact, the author of my own life. And then I went to summit series. And summit series was a place where I witnessed people that were doing both of those two things. They were entrepreneurs, they were creatives, they were founders, they were early days of Google and PayPal, the founders were there, they were charity water, they were doing unbelievable things. Because Gary Vee before anybody knew who Gary Vee was screaming from a stage about how

13:39he was going to buy the jets, cussing in public stuff. I had not seen in, you know, one-on-one experiences. I had not witnessed an entire room boat full of people that were creating their lives in this way. I really validated what I had seen at landmark forum and with Bill Tollied and it gave me the inspiration that I too could be one of those people. And that was the first massive collection of things that really woke me up and got me to almost immediately start Kaufman development. And then I talked a little bit previously about the wake up call around the tragedy. So that was kind of the other thing. I think it's important wake up calls can come in a lot of ways. They can come from good things and they can come from difficult things.

14:40And I've had both. And what's important is that you're open enough, conscious enough to recognize what they are. That you're aware that like, oh wait, this is happening. This is there for me to take in. So again, you know, I use the framework, awaken a line, expand, and in order for you to start to integrate, you've got to be awake. And you know, I've had those awakenings, those moments of awakening come in all kinds of ways. And some of them are tiny. Some of them are now these like little flashes of insight that come in. Sometimes they come through other people that you're just in conversation with and you can see yourself in their conversation. I like the learning that I had years ago that when one teaches to learn. And so I'm constantly getting insights from working with other people.

15:43I see myself in them. I'm seeing myself in their struggle. And I am, you know, constantly continuing to shift and awaken. But those are some of the big ones. Okay, next question comes from Kate. What is your approach strategy to delicate and difficult conversations, both in the professional world and in your personal life? How do you start the conversation? How do you transition into the most vulnerable and deepest personal topic? It's topics. How do you put people at ease? How do you navigate the conversation without allowing it to escalate? How do you wrap it up? Not exactly sure if this fits within the boundaries of your podcast. However, this is all my mind and still challenges me at my age. I want to have difficult conversations and I want to do it well. And I also want to model that for my immediate and extended family with a pro, when appropriate

16:46and possible. Okay, so great. You know, again, the coaching program that I grew up in that I learned much of what I now do is built to lead Chet Scott. And I learned very early on something that Chet talked about, which is, well, first of all, curiosity. I think that there's a wonderful exercise called seven good minutes where your job is to make eye contact with one other person and do nothing but listen, ask a question, let them answer it. Listen, ask another question, let them answer it. Listen, you are not to interject. You're not to give your own input, your own advice, your own thoughts. And while you're listening, you're not supposed to be thinking about what your next question

17:49is. You're supposed to do nothing but really focus on what they are saying. Listening. It's very hard. One thing that I did with Chet back in my YPO forum, Chet came into our group. Many of you have heard me tell the story and we did seven good minutes for, I don't know, an hour and a half, two hours, went around the room, traded partners, you know, when one person's done asking that seven minutes worth of questions, you flip, let the other person do it. Everybody in the room hated it. I loved it and I chased Chet down so that he would coach me. And so I would say the first thing that you want to do in a difficult conversation is you really want to get curious with people and you really need to learn how to listen, not to be defensive, not to just wait for them to be done talking so that you can tell them

18:49what you think. You really want to see what's there. You really want to come into it open. You want to come into it curious and you want to really try to figure out what's happening with the other party. And then, you know, I would say the next thing that Chet talks about is really about bubbling up conflict. And you know, there's a story about the Navy SEALs that they will get in what they call van fights where they'll like beat the shit out of each other in the van on the way to the mission. They'll get in a fight. They'll piss each other off. They'll essentially just, you know, literally like, you know, beat it out of each other until they get to where they need to go, pop open the door and they're like, let's go or good. We got that. We like figure that out. Don't recommend that. What I do recommend is the idea that you bubble up the conflict.

19:50And so most people are afraid to have difficult conversations. Most people are afraid of saying what they really think. They don't want to hurt people. They don't want to upset people. It's much easier to go tell a friend. It's much easier to gossip. You know, this is like water cooler talk in the office. Nobody really wants to go to the boss and say what they really think. They'll go and they'll talk to a coworker. And it just sort of takes on the life of its own. And it's unnecessary. You know, you could have a difficult conversation. You know, the idea of stepping into a cute pain versus chronic pain. Addressing conflict is very difficult and it's a really important skill for people to learn how to lean into. And so I would say like, you got to learn to be curious. You've got to learn to listen. And then you have to learn to be, you know, what we call CCD, which is concise and clear,

20:58concise and direct. And so, you know, you have to kind of say what you mean and do it clearly, communicate it clearly, concisely and directly, and then shut up and listen and get it out there, bubble it up. There's really no like secret sauce beyond that. Like, you know, you just have to do it. And I think that like, you know, when it looks, when you look at vulnerability and you look at things that are uncomfortable and things that are deeply personal and you're hesitant to talk about them, whether that be with a loved one, whether that be at work, whether that be, you know, in any sort of exercise, growth setting, people are even afraid to actually like be truthful with their therapist, which is like a whole dynamic of its own. You have to kind of like take a look at that.

22:00You know, that might be the first place to start. It's like, well, what is it that has me uncomfortable in having this conversation? Let's start there. If you're not able to have it like why? What will just ask the question, you know, why am I afraid to have this conversation? What is that about? What could happen? What if, what if, what if that wasn't true? Like what if it actually went great? What would be the good way, the good outcome here? I actually coach a group. We had this conversation yesterday where they were struggling with the decision and all the cons came out. Well, here's what could happen if it went wrong. Here's what could happen if it goes bad. And I listened, I let them share all of the catastrophic outcomes, all of the cons, all of the, you know, here's what could happen if we do this. And then I just simply asked like, well, what would it look like if it all went great?

23:04You know, what would that be? And so sometimes it's a matter of kind of seeing, you know, how true is it that your fears are likely to come true? And you know, then could you handle them? And then what would be possible if it actually went a different direction? Okay. Next question comes from Liam. Liam asks, how do you deal with a negative self-talk? Well, you know, I think that for starters, you have to be aware of the fact that you're having negative self-talk. So if Liam, you are aware that you have this voice in your head that's saying all these negative things, then you're way ahead of most people. And I think, you know, this is sort of a lot of like textbook psychology, which I am not, I am not, you know, a credentialed psychologist.

24:06I've been in therapy forever. I have negative self-talk myself. But you know, everybody talks about like the observer and just trying to not be your thoughts, but observe your thoughts. It's the same with the ego. You don't want to try to kill the ego. You don't want to try to suppress it. You want to observe it. You want to just sort of let it walk next to you. So it's, you know, not being attached to your thoughts. You are not your thoughts. And observing your thoughts and then looking at them from a bit of distance and trying to separate yourself from them and get back into your body and to be present. I think this is sort of the very short practice of trying to deal with your negative thoughts.

25:07Observe and to not be attached to them to distance yourself from them, allow space for them. Be curious with them. And then get into your body and be present with whatever it is you are. When you are present with what's in front of you, whether that be another human being, a task, the sun on your face, the breath in your body, whatever it is that is right there for you, you're not in your mind. And you don't, you're not in your thoughts when you are in your body and when you are present. Simple, not easy. So this is a practice and this is a life's work and trying to reprogram from negativity into any other state is something that takes a lot of practice learned optimism. I would say is probably the book that you might want to go to dig deeper on this topic.

26:14All right. Thank you, Liam. Next question comes from Taylor. What are your opinions on how your project gravity has turned out? Great question. So many of you know that the gravity project, something that I have been focused on with Coffin Development for many, many years, it was sort of our magnum opus in many ways. And the challenges in the broader economy and also in the urban core of Columbus, kind of historic rise of interest rates, COVID, the ongoing challenges created with work from home, people not necessarily feeling as drawn to work in the office or to work in downtown Columbus or downtown cities across the country world, you know, have all had an impact on

27:16gravity project. So one of my opinions on the gravity project, I am super proud of what we built there. I love it. I think it looks awesome. I drive around the neighborhood and I think we really move the needle in Franklin, I think we've attempted to really set a bar for what's possible for architecture, aesthetics, incorporating art, certainly murals, sculptures, place making. We built spaces that have an opportunity to make an impact in people's lives. We brought the Transadental Meditation Center, took Columbus that lives in the gravity project. And we took a risk. We took some big swings and I feel great about that. I feel super grounded in the inspiration, the vision, the execution.

28:29For many, many years, we did the same things in other ways in a different market and it worked awesome. In a bad market, it didn't work so great. We have definitely learned a lot, mistakes made for sure, always learning. And there are things that I would definitely do different, but by and large, I love what we did at Gravity and I love what we're doing at Greenhouse and I still feel really passionate about the potential for building community. That really was what Gravity was all about. It was not about the buildings. It was about community, it was about impact and all of that pointed me right towards interspace where I am a lot more energized at this point in my life to be making an impact through building community without needing to do it in the form of a hard asset. The amount of effort that goes into building physical assets, certainly of that scale is

29:36not where my passion is at this point. That's why I have shifted into building masterminds and retreats and doing advisory work with organizations where community exists in a less asset, heavy, intensive, capital intensive, labor intensive way.