comedy

Apple Maps Humiliated Frank

Frank Off The Radio: The Frank Skinner Podcast·Mar 27, 2026·39:25

About this Episode

Frank and Emily are joined by Milo Edwards. Frank has had an unfortunate journey into Soho Radio and has a public service announcement. There's also the Milk Tray Man, shoulder peak and an incident with a goose. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hosts & Guests

Avalon

Host

Transcript

On December 12th, Disney Plus invites you to go behind the scenes with Taylor Swift in an exclusive six episode docu-series.

I wanted to give something to the fans that they didn't expect.

The only thing left is to close the book.

The end of an era.

And don't miss Taylor Swift, the era's tour, the final show featuring for the first time the torture poets to format.

String December 12th, only on Disney Plus.

President Barack Obama.

Virginia, we are counting on you.

Republicans want to steal enough seats in Congress to raid the next election and wield unchecked power for two more years.

But you can stop them by voting yes by April 21st.

Help put our elections back on a level playing field and let voters decide not politicians.

Vote yes by April 21st.

Paid for by Virginians for fair elections.

It's free of the radio, free of the radio, free of the radio, free of the radio.

It's the Frank Skinner podcast, don't you know?

Hi, this is Frank Offther.

It's top making the floorboard, Crink.

Jacob Marley.

This is Frank Offther, right?

Yeah, I'm joined by Emily Dean and Milo Edwards.

Follow the podcast on X and Instagram.

Are you creaking for two now, remember?

You can email the podcast via Frank Offther radio at avalanuk.com.

As for WhatsApp, you can WhatsApp us on 07457417769.

There you have it.

I like the way you read that out like it was selling day life insurance on daytime TV.

Well, you know, you get a free park appendice for inquiry.

Yeah.

An advert's guy now.

So I'm also in brassy.

Yep.

So I was, we're not at spirit land this week.

That's why you heard the Jacobs Creek.

Yeah, we're at a place called Jacob.

Then what is something the name of a TV?

Yeah, Jacob's Creek is a wine.

Yeah.

Oh, Jonathan Creek is the TV show.

That's right.

And Schitt's Creek.

Yeah, there's a Venn diagram of hearing here.

You got Jacob Marley, Jacob's Creek.

Jonathan Creek.

Dawson's.

And Schitt's Creek.

Yeah, there is a whole Creek network.

Jacob's ladder.

You can put that on one side.

Anyway, the producer just Creek.

That's what you heard at the beginning.

Yeah.

I didn't like the Frank doesn't like creeks.

I get enough creeks in my own spine without other people having to introduce them into

my life.

So look, I was, we're at Soho radio in Soho.

And I don't know what's wrong with spirit land this week, but you know, you know what it'll

be?

There'll be a trad jazz band in there and allowed a beat.

Nick's will be doing a podcast private event, clicking their fingers private event.

What does that mean?

Well, it means private event, Frank or G.

Yeah.

I would say each of our lives is a private event.

Whatever we might kid ourselves about sharing the world on this podcast on this podcast.

Anyway, I could never find this place.

And so I turned to, when you get an iPhone, other phones are available.

I mean, they are.

They are.

I like a blackberry myself in a crumble.

Yeah.

I do.

Thank you.

Moving into your blackberry era.

I love that blackberry.

When I'm moving into my crumble era.

But anyway, so I, when you go to your iPhone and press maps, is that Apple maps you'll get

in your Google map.

Yes, you'll automatically get Apple moves.

So I got an Apple, so I got Apple maps came up and I put in soo radio and I thought I'm

sure it's on this road.

It took me off that road and I thought, oh, God, I've got I've got, I'm getting worse

to getting lost.

It fucking took me to absolute radio, which is a place I was sacked from two years ago.

I mean, the humiliation of it, it looked like I'd gone there.

You know, those films like on the waterfront where man in black beanie had sang around by

the gates to see if there's any work.

It was like that.

Like I turned up it off chance to somebody being ill, they're calling security at the front

desk.

It's a lot of it.

Freddie, the street where you live.

Apple maps.

It's made up bloody apps.

It's a street where you live.

It's embarrassing.

Oh, man.

He's forgotten.

He doesn't work here anymore.

I mean, you would think if I wasn't using Apple maps, if I was just using a whole man

sensed, I couldn't walk to somewhere I used to go a lot, but Apple maps, OMS, old man,

sense.

I thought that was a cologne.

So then I found the producer and said, I'm an absolute radio.

I'm embarrassing.

What did it you did there?

Yeah.

But when I saw you outside, you were wandering around, ignored me twice and you were walking

to somewhere.

The gentleman that I met was actually Jimmy Carlsbrother and the gentleman I met said,

is that Frank Skinner walking up and down?

I said, yes.

I was looking for a shop.

You were looking for a cot and then I said, where are you going?

You said, I'm trying to find a comic shop.

I was looking for a comic shop that I've been to eight times and that still couldn't.

I have a bad sense of direction, my location, not the way I'm right, yes.

I said, what shop is it?

He said, I don't know.

It's called something like Powerwall.

Well, yeah.

Well, I knew it was something with an exclamation mark.

Yeah.

Westwood Ho.

Yeah.

Of course, it was called Gosh, which is my little pint today.

I sold it as Poe and where, which is more Batman, whereas Gosh is more, well, it's more

Billy Bonter, isn't it?

It's more of my family to be honest.

It's quite camp.

Yeah.

It does feel like it would be a shop in Soho, but it wouldn't sell comics.

Yeah.

Well, the shop is not camp.

It's very, very complex.

It's very, very masculine in there.

It's one of the most heterosexual shops.

No.

I don't have any problem with camp.

I'm sorry that I've had a bit of a belly full of it now, but you know, um, let's go into

that.

I don't know what that must have been, but anyway, I, um, so she said you need to turn around

and go on.

It was really, I'd been on the right road and stupid Apple Maps took me back to, hmm,

anyway, sabotaging you.

Maybe you should get a blackberry.

So it was crossing the road.

There was some big blow kind of bar.

You know, those blokes look like they shouldn't be on a bike, they're too big.

Mm-hmm.

Sure.

Well, was it a London line bike, a rental bike?

No, I think it was probably his bike.

Mm-hmm.

Was it Boris Johnson?

No.

Very much not.

Okay.

And as I, I thought I'll cross the road.

I, I won't, I won't get in this way.

He sort of turned into me and went.

Ah!

Like that.

See, a pirate.

He was, he was sinking.

There's a little old man crossing the road and I'll intimidate him.

I hope, as we speak, he is being taken off the road surface by ambulance people.

Yeah.

He'd been hired by Apple Maps to further destroy your journey.

It was just by full bullying arrogance.

Yeah.

No, I don't like that.

No, I don't like it.

Did you say anything, Frank?

No.

Called out on the bike.

I, it was, it gone, but also he was, you know, he was big.

Well, last time we had, we faced someone like that.

Frank and I were on our way.

We're on our way to the globe, weren't we?

Mm-hmm.

I believe.

And there was a man on a bike.

And it wasn't that he did anything.

Frank just found the concept of him a bit offensive.

No, he was.

He was bobbing and we've been in and out of human beings.

But also, didn't he have no top on or something?

Yes, that's right.

He didn't have a top on.

And Frank turned around to me and said, sorry.

He said, I know this is horrible.

But I really hope he falls off.

No, but I did.

No, that's fair.

And this bloke today, like I say, if I found out that he'd,

he'd gone into an aeroplane propeller, I'd be fine with it.

You'd have to.

As long as it wasn't quite wrong with your cycling, I think.

Yeah.

Anyway, that, that happened to me.

And then I came in here.

Mm-hmm.

And the producer said we should go down to the studio.

Oh, yeah.

So I went and pressed the button on the lift.

Mm-hmm.

And a woman in front of her worked here came up to me and said,

um, do you mind using the stairs if you're just going to go down one flight?

I missed this.

We did.

What the fuck?

What?

Why?

I'm not allowed in that.

You know, we've got better people.

We're like younger people in the lift.

It's got a cool lift.

We're banished to the stairs, because Milo, you would have been alright.

We dragged you down.

We are banished to the stairs.

I don't mind doing the stairs.

No, I think your friend's kid is not allowed in the lift.

I'm not getting a look in.

I already pressed the button.

It wasn't, you know, it would have took, oh, what?

Right.

Sugar better.

One floor.

Oh, man.

So that was my start.

Oh, man.

I didn't know that.

We're bullying.

A viciousness.

So is that why we had to take the stairs?

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

I pressed the button and lit up.

The lift will arrive and think, oh, somebody's playing silly burgers.

Yeah.

It's Apple Maps again.

Messing with me.

Oh.

So they happened to me ages ago on the subject of sort of people being aggressive on the road.

There's a one way street outside my office.

It's on the corner of the corner of my street.

You've got an office.

Yeah.

Who are you?

The wolf of the wolf of my street.

It's not the wolf of Wall Street.

Thank you.

You told me about this corporate.

What was it you said to me?

Oh, no.

You were going to talk about that at the end.

Milo and I were talking.

No, I wasn't going to detail.

No, I don't like that.

I said, I don't know if that would work for my business model.

Yeah.

And Milo said, well, we mentioned revenue stream.

We also mentioned corporate law.

And that prompted Frank.

We were getting on the tube to say, what is it with YouTube?

It's a business people.

I'm just a bloat.

I just wanted to come and take what I said.

Frank has a similar attitude to the comedy industry

that Paul Pot had to run in a country.

It's sort of like anyone with glasses is under suspicion.

Well, I mean, in my day, you know, comedians,

they didn't have fucking business cards and business managers

on offices.

Back to the fields.

Everyone in black.

Yeah.

Anyway, we know time changes.

I get that.

But I was crossing this one way street.

And someone was driving in a car.

And I'm ashamed to say it wasn't BMW.

The wrong way up the one way street.

It nearly ran me over.

And I sort of turned around and went, oh, it may.

It's a one way street.

And he went, no, it isn't.

And I'm like, yes, it is.

It's a one way street.

There's a sign right there.

And he goes, well, what would you know?

You haven't got a car.

And I had to stop myself from replying, well, actually,

I have got a car.

It's there.

Because I was like, that would be very childish.

That would be meeting him at his level.

I would have really, I would have said something.

I would have had to have said something.

Yeah.

I couldn't have.

The idea of him wandering off, not knowing that

would have upset me.

But I found it to be such a weird escalation.

The argument to be like, well, what would you know

you haven't got a car.

But all that.

That's disqualifying.

It's a strange assumption, isn't it?

Yeah.

This is someone walking.

They haven't got a car.

It's very American.

Yeah, you haven't got a wife either or any children.

I'm on my own now.

Walking.

Yeah.

And you haven't got a hat.

I've got one at a house.

Yes.

You haven't got a house, you're on it.

You're just not in it, right now.

I mean, and he's not had lunch.

Yeah.

I'm in that's weird.

Oh, it's weird.

Anyway, we're all with established.

As I've said before from a survey that I saw in the magazine,

61% of people in this country are unpleasant.

What was this survey?

Who was that?

That strikes me as low.

Who that was?

Well, that was cool.

I probably saw that, you know, 14 months ago.

It was probably around, around 75 now.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, they've surveyed that guy on the bike for me earlier.

Yeah.

I think it probably is high.

I don't call him that guy on the bike.

I want to think of him as in the gutter now.

Probably in the...

Formerly of the bike.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't think he'd like to think of him as no longer with us.

I don't want to kill him because I want him to feel his own pain.

You want him to be maimed?

That's all I ask.

That's an idea.

I sometimes watch episodes of accident, you know,

those critical ones that this sort of emergency 24 or 7 or whatever they're calling.

Just to see if anyone who's wrong me turns up on them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I quite like that.

Have we got any listeners who are sort of...

Have we got any managers?

Never ask you if you've got any listeners.

Have you ever been a publicer perhaps?

Hex, this man.

Well, we don't even know who he is.

We could create a doll of a sort of large man on bike.

If you had to think of a celebrity who he looked like, who would you say?

I'm not prepared to say, because that would define his ethnicity.

I understand exactly what you're saying.

But for a neat little answer.

Would you like to hear?

I'm sitting next to my legal representative.

I would like to hear.

That's Milo, he's a business person.

I would like to hear from the outside world.

He does that.

I wouldn't surprise me if Milo might do that a bit of a leak.

Milo, but the cigar smoke is starting to get on my chest.

I'm sorry, there's no ash tray.

It's your favourite cigar smoker.

Who is, I mean, who really smokes cigars?

I mean, we were talking about sugar earlier.

Schwarzenegger.

I tell you who it's, whoever's been on cigar smoker.

You remember that magazine I told you about?

It's the cigar smoker.

Did they offer to make you a cover star?

Yeah.

Schwarzenegger's always on it.

It was the right wing guy who was the...

Shackle O'Neill, to see...

Shackle O'Neill, do you remember he chatted me out once?

He smokes a cigar, I think.

Oh, does he?

Okay.

I'm glad I know now.

There's a great clip of Schwarzenegger talking about cigar smoking.

But he's like, I smoked Stogies because I'm Balsey.

People tell me, my wife's father said,

you can't smoke a Stogie, I ignored him.

Oh, he's still a big guy.

Yeah, it's interesting.

James Woods as well.

Oh, okay.

Do you know James Woods?

Oh, do I?

Do you know James Woods?

No, it doesn't work.

No, it doesn't.

I tried.

He's indistinguishable from the James trees.

Yes.

I'm very fine.

I...

I'll take it.

I went out with a woman.

When we split up, said I only ever went out with you

because you look like James Woods anyway.

Oh, I can sort of see that.

Oh, there's a lot of resemblance there.

I tell you who else he's had.

Stephen Trumpkinson and Graham Norton.

And Samuel Beckett.

What if that a love child?

It's not bad.

I can see Norton.

I don't know what Stephen Trumpkinson is.

Look, this is not good audio at all.

No.

Oh, okay.

Although I did notice the other day that...

I don't know if you remember George and Mildred.

If you have heard of it, Milo?

George and Mildred.

George and Mildred was a popular sitcom.

And they had a family living next door

and they had a child called Tristram.

All right.

And he is a perfect doppelganger

of the new Archbishop of Canterbury.

Do you see really?

I mean...

I remember Tristram.

With the glasses he had.

Absolutely.

With the same person.

Did he have like a page, boy?

I can't believe it.

He's insane.

Did he have?

Look at the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Did he have...

Yes.

He had all of that.

Because he's the same face.

He had all the robes on.

Are you going to get...

Frank's always very good friends with him.

But the interesting thing about it, Frank,

is that you just still say friends with the old ones.

You don't just say, well, there's a new one.

Well, I think what happens is...

I think they've never thought I'm bad luck.

So I don't think I'll be invited back to Lambus Palace.

It's quite a pile to have, though.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I had a good run.

Yeah.

You didn't start a business just to keep the lights on.

You're here to sell more today than yesterday.

You're here to win.

Lucky for you.

Shopify built the best converting checkout on the planet.

Like to just one tapping.

Ridiculously fast acting.

Sky high sales stacking.

Champion of checkout.

That's the good stuff right there.

So if your business is in it to win it, win with Shopify.

Start your free trial today at Shopify.com slash win.

Going outside is so in during springfest and lows.

For a limited time, get extra big deals on select Holland Papers.

Three for $1.

Plus, save $70 in the char broil performance for Berner Grill.

Now $179.

And chef up shareables for your whole crew.

Picture perfect patios and good food.

Yes, please.

Our best lineup is here at Loves.

Valet the 330 Wasteplyze last selection varies by location.

Paper offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii.

This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

Listening to this podcast, smart move.

Being financially savvy, smart move.

Another smart move.

Having State Farm help you create a competitive price

when you choose to bundle home and auto.

Bundling.

Just another way to save with the personal price plan.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state.

Covered options are selected by the customer.

Availability, amount of discounts and savings

and eligibility vary by state.

Would you like to hear from the outside world?

Because Carl from Dublin.

You bet your sweet bippy.

Oh.

You can never mind my bippy.

Carl from Dublin has got in touch with us.

Long time reader, he wants to correspond with this regarding mooning.

Do you remember we were talking about the concept of mooning recently?

I do.

Carl says, I can confirm that mooning is definitely not exclusive to the Americans.

I saw Ozzy Osborne several times in concert.

And Ozzy would always treat the audience to a moon.

To much cheering and applause.

One vintage year in the noughties.

I also saw Johnny Rotten.

Drop his trousers on stage too.

Well, you don't expect it if Johnny Rotten.

Value for money.

And I like how Carl of Dublin has ended it, then with the days.

Well, I had a mind source.

I had a mind source.

I had a mind who did it a lot.

And then he did it a lot.

He did.

It was his thing three times.

Every 28 days.

And he started to get bolder.

And I remember we were in a chip shop.

I don't know what it sounded like.

There was like three of us in a chip shop at like half past midnight.

And he took his trousers and pants off.

Wow.

Because he thought the bloat won't know because the counter won't be able to say.

Of course, the bloat came out.

I just looked into the big glass window.

Because I see there was a man standing in his shop reflected in the window.

We know trousers or pants on through us all out.

He thought he was in the chipy on zoom.

Oh, my God.

You know, that is basically just being an exhibitionist.

I mean, it sounds like I'm in a disorder.

Well, you know, we met our own entertainment in those days.

It's good enough for Winnie the Pooh.

That's true.

He's an exhibitionist.

Top cap.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I think the original Winnie the Pooh didn't even wear the fucking t-shirt.

Well, was he just naked?

Yeah.

I think that's less vulgar than just the t-shirt.

Oh, well, it's that point.

That is more naked, isn't it?

The presence of the t-shirt makes him look more obscene.

Oh, maybe you're right.

In the same way of Donald Duck's, which Frank often talks about,

because, you know, the Blarrow jacket.

Is he just nothing underneath Donald Duck?

Yeah, the pants.

He wears like a...

He wears a navel tunic.

Yeah, but it's a genitals exposed.

Well, it's traditional in the Navy.

You can't see a doctor when you cross the equator.

You can't see a doctor's genitals.

Have you ever looked?

He kicked me out of the zoo.

He just can't.

I've got a goose.

The people that live across the road from us.

You know, sometimes birds fly into your window.

A goose just went straight through their window.

Just sort of smashed the...

It's like a proper hole.

I hope it would be slightly more goose-shaped.

But there's actually a hole in the window.

It just went straight in.

Oh, my goodness.

Just saying.

Next.

David Clements has been in touch.

High-Frank Emily and Milo.

Oh, absolutely.

That's why Milo's had personalized correspondence.

Can I just say you're my favourite listener, David?

David Clements.

Yeah.

I mean, stitches at your description of the red hand of Ulster

on the Northern Ireland flag.

What I'd give to see some orange lodge members' reactions

to Emily's descriptions of it being, in quotes,

a lovely hand waving.

And it also being, in quotes, a bit spice girls.

A lovely...

I do apologize.

I believe.

Be careful.

Exactly.

I believe the red hand actually comes

from the story of a race to claim the land,

where one man cut his hand off and threw it ashore.

Oh, and so he touched the land first.

It was a race to claim the land.

No.

So in order to claim the land, he cut his hand off.

I'd have gone finger, but you know, some people they don't like to.

They like about braces approached the land claiming.

Yeah.

You can't expect the finger to arrive first, though.

It's a little leaving it to chance, right?

No, not enough momentum.

Yeah.

Can safer.

That's all the whole thing.

It doesn't matter what the weight of an object is.

They hit the ground itself.

Oh, maybe okay.

I feel to say that wouldn't really help in claiming the land,

because you'd get there and everyone would be like,

well, number one, that's weird and doesn't count.

And number two, you're now bleeding today.

So I think it's mine, actually.

No, it's just because you'd then arrive in the speed,

but it's your corporate lawyer.

So I've got all the paperwork already done for this land.

So you take your hand back.

And meanwhile, I'll be saying that business model

of being handless is not going to work for me.

You just haven't submitted any share a capital.

That hand is meaningless.

Get that back on the boat or hands on deck, as we say.

I'm sorry.

Very good.

Anyway, I'd just like to say, David,

I appreciate it's calling it a bit spice girls,

was perhaps inappropriate.

I'd like to formally apologise for that,

but I won't take back.

I'll lovely hand waving,

because that was my first impression of it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

It's very friendly in Northern Ireland.

Yeah.

Didn't I tell you?

He didn't know the Northern Frank.

Oh, God, many times.

Yeah.

I was in Balahi quite recently.

And as we drove into town, I said to the driver,

is it Balahi or Balahi?

And he said,

I wouldn't get involved in the politics.

I thought, wow.

Just a place name.

Yeah, exactly.

So I did, I stayed out of it.

Also, I mean, they were pioneers

of the flags on landposts,

long before we came up with it.

Really?

We are Johnny Cormlatis.

Oh, yeah.

Johnny Rotten Cormlately.

The Shankill Road has what I can only describe as threatening bunting.

It's the first place I've ever seen that.

It looks like they're about to have a VE Day parade,

but it's actually more of a just reminding the Catholics that we're here.

Right.

Anyway, let's lay off Northern Ireland politics.

So I'm getting very uneasy about this.

Can I say that we, as we don't understand the situation truly

and, um, God bless you all.

Happy Easter.

Whichever God you prefer.

What for?

It's the same God.

Talking about the Easter.

Why have we got a box of chocolates with security protected tag on them?

I've done that.

Are you brought in chocolates?

Yeah, can I establish?

I've been watching these chocolates.

Are they for us?

Yeah, also because I was late last week

and because we had the lozenges or the tablets as they've become,

I thought I would bring chocolates.

They're so kind.

So I brought milk tray.

I didn't know milk tray.

You're all dressed in black and you brought milk tray.

You know the advert used to be a man dressed in black.

What was the slogan?

Was it like a tuxedo or something?

No, no.

He was in sort of mission impossible type black.

It was the kind of thing they'd always laugh at on the,

they'd do a sketch on the Russ Abbott show or something,

saying the man from milk tray.

Anyone with a black polo neck?

If you walked into the pub,

someone was always milk tray man's here.

Yeah, so I am the milk tray man today.

So we can open them at your leisure.

Okay, good.

I just wanted to check.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wanted to.

It'd be funny if it was an empty box.

They're full of teddy crays, herbal lozenges.

They were horrible, though.

It's one of the worst things I've ever eaten.

I thought about them the other day and I felt ill.

I didn't even eat that whole thing.

Just smelling it made me ill of her.

I actually had nightmares about it.

I assumed you'd bought it and I saw a fall down working desk.

All right.

To do a bit of business.

Oh, thanks.

Got to start with this business thing.

God, thank, man.

I famously, I've not even got a car.

So, you know, you wouldn't listen to me about business.

I thought you had got a car.

No, I was talking about the car.

He's doing a call back to the man who says he doesn't have a car.

Oh, look, I wasn't.

I hadn't started listening to that stage.

Do you carry on with outside world?

Yeah, please.

Yes.

We've also heard from 307.

They've chosen to remain anonymous.

I'd never blame them, to be honest.

Hi, Frank Emelian.

Sorry about this, Milo.

TBA.

Well, that's my street name.

Oh, yes.

That's quite a good street name.

Yeah.

Do you think it is?

There'll be a rapper called TBA, won't it?

The business associate.

Do you think TBC or TBA?

I use TBC.

There'll be both.

Okay.

Frank's mention of the Tillagirls in a recent episode.

Remind, and you mentioned the Tillagirls.

I don't know.

It was a dance show that used to, they used to front the,

a TV show called Sunday Night at the London Played.

They weren't catching bird-sized glamorous assistants.

No, and I remember you said that Betty Boothroyd was one.

I think she was.

Yes, I think you're right.

It reminded me of an old drama teacher I had at school.

During school productions, he would tell off members of the background cast

who was stood awkwardly in a line and say, you're like the Tillagirls.

This was the early 2000s.

So obviously not one of the kids in the cast had the faintest clue

what he was on about.

Only now that I actually learn what the Tillagirls are.

So 307 is grateful to you, Frank, for furnishing him with that information.

Oh, that's good.

Does it, it does occur to me that his criticism makes absolutely no sense.

Surely if you're saying someone looks stupid and awkward,

you don't want to compare them to an energetic dance troupe.

I hope his critical similes got better after I left the school,

but I don't hold much hope.

That's 307.

Well, I like it.

I can see, I take 307's point.

When he says you'll stood there like the Tillagirls, does he just mean...

They never stood still in my memory.

No, they were constantly moving like the very ocean.

So what would have been a better thing if you were the drama teacher?

Can we retrospectively help him?

If your people are standing there looking gormless and unhelpful,

what should he have compared them to?

Not the Tillagirls.

No.

Surely we can come up with that.

Anyway, I need to tell this because there's a date involved,

which I need to warn people about.

March 31st is the last chance to buy the Queen's 100th birthday commemorative 10th sovereign.

There's been advertised extensively on daytime television by Michael Burke.

Oh, is it March 31st?

March 31st.

If you don't get it, if you find it now at the introductory prize...

How much will that cost us, do you?

99 pounds.

If you wait till 31st of March, on 89.

Wow.

That's a lot of... That's a big discount.

She didn't make it to 189.

This advert begins...

Michael Burke says, I wrote this down frantically, what did it I tell you?

A new coin has been added to the Gold Sovereign family.

That's how it would be done.

I thought that would include Lady Sovereign, do you remember her?

Lady Sovereign.

I'm English trying to port me.

Lady Sovereign warned to her when she was on celebrity big brother

and invented the measurement of a cat's paw.

I remember she said, how much do you want of that coffee or whatever yoga?

Just a cat's paw.

Well, it said that this is the first ever in the whole world,

the first ever 110th sovereign.

Is that right?

Which sounds like a sort of a low score for Queen Elizabeth II.

She's only one of the top sovereigns.

When you're writing monarchs.

Yeah.

But they advertise it as if, honestly, if you miss out on this,

that is a major thing.

They said there's only 699 coins minted.

I mean, I'd have gone for a round figure.

There's quite a specific number, isn't it?

They've obviously done research and discovered that number works with people.

But what about this?

The research says that means he says to camera

with some alacrity that only one in 4,000 UK households can own one.

Well, see, that does sell it to me.

There's a feeling of desperation.

So I'll be getting fascinated all this daytime gold.

And there's always a new bloody coin for something.

Send us your gold.

So I went deep dive on the new tent suffering.

What about this?

It has to be authorised, if you bring out a new coin.

Who authorises it?

Tristan, the neighbour from God of Builder.

Tristan Dacuna.

Do you know Tristan?

Yeah.

The other 7Cs.

Yeah.

I'm so sure I don't know what that is, the island.

On Tristan Dacuna, there's only one place that people live.

And it's called Edinburgh of the 7Cs.

Yeah.

And I tell you why it's pretty miserable.

Really?

It's in the South Atlantic.

It's one of these British territories that we've hung on to,

because literally no one wants it.

There isn't really what you call a tourist site,

but on the sort of, what the, I don't know, Facebook.

Yeah, yeah.

The strapline is the world's most remote inhabited archipelago.

I'll go.

Yeah.

The Edinburgh of the 7C's fringe is tough going.

Do you know how many people live in Tristan Dacuna?

I don't know, but I reckon it's in the single-digit thousands.

It is actually 250.

Really?

Wow.

But anyway, they authorise the question,

do you know how many people live in Tristan Dacuna?

I don't know, but I reckon it's in the single-digit thousands.

I authorise the Queen's 10th software.

Well, the inhabitants of Tristan Dacuna.

I think someone who produces currency has to give it the thumbs up

before you can make it.

Okay.

Who produces currency?

Does the raw mint exist, then?

I don't know if they get involved with the 10th software.

Oh, okay.

I do have a Tristan Dacuna fact, actually.

Oh, I thought you were.

During World War I, Tristan Dacuna,

it was supplied once a month by a British merchant navy ship

that would go from South Africa.

And at the start of World War I, they were like,

we've not got time for this, but there's war on.

So they requisitioned that ship.

And then it took until about 1919,

and then the British government was like,

fuck no one told Tristan Dacuna that we won the war.

So they send the ship back.

They were like, oh, by the way, sorry you've had no contact

with the outside world for that five years.

But we did win the war.

Sorry about the lack of the ship.

And I just, that's really amusing.

That is the sort of topper for all those stories

about someone who got a postcard that was sent

in 1927 and finally arrived.

Yes, then it turns out.

How did they live without the ship?

I guess they have the price.

There might be some holes in the store.

I'm not 100% sure.

That cannot live on 10th sovereigns alone.

Yeah, they had to eat the, you know,

Edward VII coins.

They were all minting.

Anyway, I've got chocolate coins.

I've got you one each.

Oh, can you imagine if you did?

Oh, I'm happy.

I'm like, are they 99 pounds?

99.

Before 31st of March.

What would you say, Fang?

What is an introductory offer?

It's an introductory offer.

Who am I being introduced to?

The family, the golf sovereign family.

Yeah.

Of Tristan Dacuna.

I think I ask a question.

What was Michael Burt wearing for this?

Does he wear a suit and a tie?

Does he go for a military style jacket?

Or does he just go t-shirt with a suit?

He wore, like, a big golden coin suit

with his arms just thinking out of sight.

I'd say it was probably four feet diameter.

Do you know what?

He's got a beard now, old Birke.

Birky beard.

Who are you? Birky beard.

I don't think he should have gone beard.

He's a very clean cut gentleman.

He's got a sort of sand-hurst vibe about who?

Who is Michael Burt?

He used to be a news leader.

He was the news leader.

I would say yes.

He was taken very seriously.

Especially by Michael Burt.

I think he's been, if I remember rightly,

he's been a little bit disparaging about your modern day.

Has he?

Oh, really?

It's called him something like, you know, auto-cute dog bows

or something.

I don't want to miss quite a bunch of birds.

Because they didn't do PPE.

I think so.

You know the whole...

When you get old cricketers on the telly,

they wouldn't have played a shot like that in my days.

It's that kind of vibe.

It would be more powerful.

It's like me going on about young comics

being business people.

Well, old cricketers, you know, they'd have been pissed.

They'd have been great, you know?

When his Compton turned up apparently mid-game

in full evening dress,

having come from a party and said,

what number am I batting?

And they said four.

And so he had a 20-minute nap.

Oh.

Forgot.

You know, they talk about the modern cricketers

getting a bit drunk.

But I think he went out and scored about 84 or something.

There you go.

Good to be honest.

If you were offered the gold campaign,

if they said, look, we've got some news.

They're burks stepping down.

No, I think that's the...

Would you never do that?

No.

I'd put Panto before that.

Why'd you?

Yeah.

Joe Pasquale is going to be forced out of Panto

and into doing that.

Yeah.

What do you do life insurance on daytime TV?

There's something a bit...

All daytime TV is mainly about death.

And it's people advertising death, forms of death.

Yes.

Or the sort of things you would buy

where if you want this, you might as well be dead.

That's the kind of general thing.

It's a very big...

What about...

I'm trying to...

The programs are fine, but the adverts...

Yeah.

I mean, are the programs fine?

If you're enjoying Australian Border Force,

Apple Maps Humiliated Frank

About this Episode

Hosts & Guests

More from Frank Off The Radio: The Frank Skinner Podcast

Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Family Changing Room

A New Ending For The Show

Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast: Richard Brautigan

Burlesque or Burly Q?