Alex - Monday Speaker Series

0:00Hello and welcome to the Daily Reprieve, where we provide essay speaker meetings, workshops, and conferences and podcast format. We are an ad-free podcast, if you enjoy listening, please help us be self-supporting by going to Donate.The Daily Reprieve.com and drop a dollar or two into the virtual basket. Please consider donating monthly by clicking the Donate Monthly button. However, one-time donations are always welcome. Just click the Donate now, but now, without further ado, this episode of The Daily Reprieve. Yeah, thank you very much, Rina, for your service and for inviting me. My name is Alex. I'm a grateful repubbing. It's Axaholic, Parallelos Overlust, sober from the 22nd of April 2018.

1:00And I'll speak to you about my story today, my recovery, what that looks like, and two topics that are very important to me as I progress down the road and recovery, which are step two, and my experience related to self-love, and how that is so important as I continue my recovery. A little bit about my family background, which I think is very important, piecing everything together. Come from a family with lots of trauma going back to my grandparents' generation and my parents' generation, things related to World War II and revolutions in Europe. Both my parents lived through some degree of parental abandonment with my mom. It was both at parents who abandoned her and childhood, and my father, just to give you some idea, lived for some time after the war in D'Ahael concentration camp with his family. It was a really horrible childhood, really horrible stuff to go through, and basically

2:05my parents and my grandparents are very traumatized individuals. We were never able to get an entreatment for that traumatic childhood, and as a result, there just was a profound lack of emotional intimacy between my family, although they did a really great job, and I love them, that is important to recognize. At home, we didn't talk about feelings from outside, we seemed like the perfect family, that had it together. I was the youngest boy of several children, but it was a different story on the inside. I felt like I was an ornament. Nobody was speaking. We hardly spoke, everybody was kind of isolating. One of my brothers was the black sheep of the family, and was raging and out of control. Very scary for me to see that, as he was getting into fights with my father. My father was suffering from a terrible heart condition, so he was constantly at risk

3:09of just dropping dead, and that was played a big factor in my fear. My brother was, he was the focus, kind of, the family, but strangely enough, as a piece of everything back together, all of the kids, including myself, are addicts in one way or another, whether it be gambling, or second-diction, or drugs, whatever. And my third-pist pulled me that, you know, that's a marker for something that's wrong in the family when it happens. So to cut a long story short, it was a dysfunctional family. There was no alcoholism, but there was definitely less addiction, and it's much less obvious to see than, for example, alcoholism. I think my parents were monogamous, but there may have been some cheating. Definitely there was a big time less than the marriage, there was pornography lying around sometimes, and pictures, all kinds of stuff, and we were religious families, so it was

4:10a really strange kind of situation to have that two sides of the family. There was also a lot of neglect, just deep, deep neglect, where I would just be spending hours on my own as a kid, and no reshaming as well. In school, experience was very difficult. I found that I was bullied and kids from like me. I kind of stood out, you know, because I had a kind of an ethnic background, and I couldn't for some reason share any of this with my parents, you know, I just didn't feel like that should be bringing them any problems. I just wanted to pretend that everything was cool, everything was fine. And later, sort of as a mechanism to survive, I used humor to survive, you know, I became a class clown and wore masks, and my dad, he was silently angry, quiet, and many could explode into rage. Sadly, he passed away when I was 22, and there was no mentoring or coaching at all in our

5:11relationship. There were no fishing trips, no teaching, he had to fix stuff, and my mom was, she was codependent, she was also narcissistic, and there was enmeshment, and I found that I became sort of a surrogate husband to my mom after my father's passing. The last base was the way that I survived, you know, because from the age of seven, I noticed catalogs, comic books, there's lots of less than comic books, and by the age of 11 or 10, you know, there were point mags that I would discover, lying around that I would look at. From age 14, I was off to the races, I discovered masturbation, and it helped me actually. At the beginning, it really helped me survive, it sued me. I knew that it wasn't a good thing, but I can't say that I felt terrible about it, but I did feel that it was wrong, and thus, you know, I started objectifying, I would always try to find something sexual in a woman and focus on that.

6:12By the age of 19, I started to take a term for the worst with involvement in pornography, so whereas previously, I would just, it would just be two to three minutes, and I would be masturbating, and it would last that long. With images in my head, with porn all of a sudden, it was, basically, today they call it edging, and edging is just delaying, basically delaying orgasm, and trying to, you know, means hours surfing on the internet or watching porn, and edging, they say, is like the crack cocaine for the brain, that's what the science today says. So by the age of 22, my life starts falling apart, my father dies, a woman who I was absolutely in love with and wanted to marry broke up with me, and I was faced with suicidal thoughts, I made a conscious decision to numb my pain and turn 100% full throttle into the addiction, and at that point, I started completely losing control and going off the rails.

7:15Fast forward to getting married, married as a full blown addict within a couple of weeks, I was masturbating to high street internet, losing interest in my wife, cheating on one year into the marriage, that went on for just three years of hell technical bottom, this would have been around 2004 to 2006. I came to some sort of partial spiritual awakening, if you will, after that, because I just said to myself, I'm just going so badly out of control, and I better do something, and I started attending services in my faith, faith, tradition, etc, and in some amazing reason, God helped save me from acting out outside of the marriage, but I doubled down on pornography, and finally I reached my emotional bottom 10 years after that point before I came to essay. 98% I would say of the time and money that I spent was really voyeurism, it was pornography,

8:21buying movies, joining paid site memberships, with the, for example, the ritual of getting the credit card out and all that stuff during a binge, and during my marriage, it got me to the point of sexual anorexia, and a perched cycle, where I would just try to get three, four days of sobriety in order to be able to be intimate with my wife, and it was just horrible. She couldn't, she was not happy, we became neighbors pretty much rather than, or roommates rather than a married couple, porn completely messed up my brain to perform, you know, in a normal sexual way, it could only do it a couple of times a month with toxic images in my head, and sometimes even masturbation beforehand. I did crazy things sometimes too, like renting hotel rooms to act out with porn and visiting all kinds of red light district, going on business trips, and timing these trips to visit those kind of places. Some examples of my, oh, also followed lies and things like that, which were big

9:26in the 1990s. Some examples of my, I managed ability were, well, I'm a numbers guy, so I like the corner by things. The, my, I spent, I'm talking about direct expenses, I probably spent around 160,000 dollars on my addiction. These are direct costs full time in terms of the time it was lasting. I did kind of a calculation in my head, and I figured that the time in my life that I spent lasting, like literally like in pornography or, you know, surfing the web or going to the video rental store, you know, chasing for the high, was probably two and a half years of my life, no sleep, no drinking, no eating, no traveling, just lustling, for two and a half years of my life full time. That's how much time I spent. That's a crazy number to me. So my recovery, what does my recovery look like? I hit a bottom, started essay in 2017. I was chronically slipping the first six

10:34months. I mean, a time probably to experience step one. Finally, I started getting some sobriety and finished step five within six months or so. After it's starting to step, I experienced the big freedom for that. Only about, within about 50 days of sobriety when I finished step five, that was the biggest piece of, you know, part of sobriety I've ever had in my whole life. You know, prior to essay, I would have maximum, or 20 days of my sobriety, maybe a few times in my life. My sponsor asked me to sponsor, or temporary sponsor somebody, which I did. I thought it was, it was crazy, but, you know, I had to go with his suggestion and I think it was one of the things I helped stay, keep me sober. Within another four months, I got to step eight and slowly started making my amends, which was a just an amazing experience. And while I was working on my amends, I started another 12-step program, which is important for my recovery as well. And I completed actually the

11:37essay steps last summer. There's something, one of the reasons why I went into the other program is, I remember reading in the white book, I think it's in page 146, where they talk about during step 12, when they talk about how some of us, the author, would need to go back to our childhood dysfunction and look at that very neglected area of our life. And that's one of the reasons why I took that step with the, okay, obviously, of my sponsor. He was very supportive of that. So my essay program today is trying to live in steps 10, 11, 12. What really helps me stay sober, I think, in the last three years is step zero, just being part of the fellowship, no matter how difficult it is sometimes, no matter how lazy I could be, making it to meetings,

12:41go away for coffee after. That is very important for me, for the informal part of the chit chat, to get out of isolation. And the daily subrider ideals are very important for me as well. Step 12 is a beautiful, beautiful step, which I really cherish. I've run a couple of meetings in this 12th open essay meeting actually in this other fellowship that I'm in, which were remarkable. We had a lot of people that came to essay and started working in the essay program. Sponsorship is an amazing tool that helps keep me sober. And I think in my first six months of sobriety, even before I was slipping, I realized that I need to have a policy of complete zero tolerance for lust because I've been playing this, you know, I would just need to check some updates, but not, you know, not masturbate or, you know, this kind of thing. And I didn't,

13:42I didn't even, I wasn't even doing it because, because I wanted to enjoy it, because my brain was telling me it needs this. So, and obviously that always, always led into full-born relapse. So, I now realize that there's nothing but pain if I start going down any of this kind of route. So I used to have filters, for example, and they helped me in early recovery, but I don't need them anymore. For me to have a computer in front of me at 24 hours a day available without any filters is like, I guess, similar to an alcoholic who can have a, you know, liquor cabinet full of alcohol and not being tempted to use that alcohol. So it is really amazing. So zero tolerance was very helpful. And some of the promises that I've experienced just an unbelievable level of freedom from lust, actually. My problem with sexual

14:46anorexia was solved. It's completely different now with, with my wife. My family life has become much more stable with my kids and with my spouse. And I have a level of integrity that I've never had. I don't have to hide stuff. I'm very open about where I am. My wife knows about my involvement in essay and the other fellowship. And I really feel a piece that I've never ever had in my life. And that doesn't mean it's always like that. And there's definitely ups and downs, but I could always ask God to be with me through any pain. And I have all of you guys that I could call and keep up to date with to get me out of isolation. I give you sexual with my wife and not having the images in my head. That's some of the promises that I'm experiencing, which is unbelievable, because that never was the case before. We can be abstinent as well. That's fine also. And I'm no, so I'm no longer

15:46harming her by this sexual anorexia. So these are some of the promises that I, I'm just so grateful for, which I honestly never thought I could ever find a solution for any of these things. I'm so grateful to essay. So what I want to talk about today is step two and self love. So step two, just let me step back and discuss it for a second. I was using step into action as I was working step to the table in step to the authority figures. Who was my higher power? Who was God for me? And what I determined was that God was distant. He was too busy to be bothered with me. He also had an element of being judging and being rigid. And not pretty much as the way it was in my family, you know, with my parents, especially the being distant and being very busy. That no matter how much I could intellectualize God from a feelings point of view, I had to come to

16:51terms of the fact that I just didn't feel that I was worth it from an emotional point of view. That's how I felt. So there was a huge rift between what my intellect was saying and what my feelings were saying about God's unconditional love for me. So I have come to realize that light, it's a lifetime journey for me to live in step two. It's about, for example, step two reminds me about the amazing people that my higher power has put into my life. Even in the darkest days of my addiction, he was with me. There's some incredible people. I call them angels in my life that have really helped me during really hard times. And the disease whispers not only less temptations but toxic shame. And what I started finding was after some sobriety, I started realizing that those whispers were coming. It's as if the disease knows that, okay, you haven't been acting out in a year. But it tries to fool you from a different angle. For me, it was that you're not

18:00worth it. You're just not worth it. That's what it was telling me. So this step two reminds me. It's a daily thing that I got to remember how God is unconditionally loving is there for me. And I ask him, I ask him in my meditations and my prayers. Sometimes I hide incredible revelations come back to me saying, well, what do you expect? What do you expect Alex? I mean, look at the authority figures. They were kind of distant from you, weren't they? So in a very non-judgment, non-judging kind of feeling that was coming from me from my meditation. So step two is something that I always need to be conscious of. And the other thing, the last thing is self-love. So I violently resisted any concept of self-love both before I say and during. Because to me, self-love was like selfishness. It's my ego. I'm just such a horrible person.

19:01I've done so many horrible things, et cetera, et cetera. So self-love is not, it's self-selfishness is the love of the ego. Selfishness is the false self. And self-love, loving who I am, truly out of the little boy that's in me is the true self. And praying to God on my knees has helped and asking him specifically to deliver me from this lack of self-care, self-love for myself. And I really have gone so much help from my higher power in this area. I'm using affirmations, I'm hugging myself sometimes. I literally believe there's a little boy living in me. Theologically, by some people may say it's my soul, other people may say it's an inner child, whatever the case is, I feel that there is something there in me. And I need to nurture that entity.

20:05So what I've discovered is that by loving myself and honoring myself, my true self, the little boy in me does two things. It releases, well, the several things actually. It releases me from fear. It releases me from judging myself mercilessly. It also releases me from judging others and unlocks my ability to be empathetic. It allows me to have much greater freedom to do God's will, because I can't be useful to my higher power if I'm in self-hate. I can't be useful to myself or to him or to any other person. And the paradox that I found is that by loving myself, I'm opening myself up to be a better tool for God and for other people. In recovery, I really believe that I was actually born whole. I was innocent, born in innocent and wonderful boy. And I became fragmented in body, mind, and spirit through abandonment

21:09and shame and dysfunction. It took a while for me to get to that place, and I need help still, and I still always need help my whole life, I believe, in finding a way to return to that miracle state. But essay is a huge part for me to be returning to this miracle state to my true self. So my message, I'm going to close with this. My message to you all is, you guys are my heroes, actually. You guys are my heroes. Why is that? Because no matter what sobriety you guys and girls have, we have made a choice to live differently. Whether we have 20 years of sobriety, 20 days of sobriety, or 20 hours of sobriety, we are trying to live in the solution. So please, I'd like to close with this. Please tell yourselves today, I love myself. Please give yourselves credit for showing up

22:10and designing the essay solution. Take both your arms and hug yourselves right here, right now. That's your true self inside of you. Rachel, for all of you on this call, I hope this is helpful, and very grateful to be here and with that, I'll pass. Hi, this is Rob from Brooklyn. Go ahead, Rob. Quick question, please. Yeah, how hard is it right now, viewing a woman, whether she's walking down the street or the images in her head or pitches being that you got three years of sobriety? How hard is it now seen a woman, not properly dressed or whatnot? Thank you. Yeah, thanks, Rob. Well, I would say as time goes by, it gets easier. The other fellowship, but I mean, for example, they're majority women, and at first, it was difficult for me to be able to handle that, but with time, now it's just not

23:14an issue, actually, and it doesn't mean that I don't notice. I immediately notice somebody who I would find attractive on the street. I mean, it's just instinctive, but my eyes are just going to spot that person. But as soon as I consciously realize, you know, the first, that's not a first drink for me. The first drink is if I, if I consciously realizing that I'm noticing somebody, I'm still looking, but I'm wasting at that point. So I need to surrender ASAP as soon as that happens, pray for that woman, actually, that's the most common tool that I use in that situation. So it gets much, much easier with time. That would be my answer. All right. Thank you, Rob, for your questions. Please, next. Thank you for asking us to unmute and ask your questions. This is Gary in Texas. What was that? I have a question. Sure. What was the hardest thing to do in your recovery? I think the hardest thing for me every year,

24:17I would have a different answer is the answer, but I think in retrospect, the hardest thing was to stay sober beyond 90 days, 120 days. I think that was the most excruciatingly difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life. I've only did, thank God, have only done it once. You know, in this sobriety, I was so addicted to it. I was sort of pumped up with dopamine and dealt the FOSB and you name it. That would probably be the hardest thing. If it already was in my recovery, once I was sober and I was free of the compulsion and the obsession, living with the pain, living with the discomfort and the whole reason why I became an addict in the first place, that would be, that was probably the most difficult. Both two things.

25:19All right. Thank you, Gary in Texas. I would like to ask you a very quick question, okay? Yeah, this is Joseph. Retroverance, I feel like from New Jersey. I'd like to ask a question. Go ahead, Joseph. Joseph? Yeah, please go ahead. Yeah, thanks for your sharing. Yeah, you spoke about self-love and on self-care. Okay, tell me how you go about that and what kind of work do you do on that? I've been so before, almost two years now, worked two different steps. Yeah. Yeah, tonight. Yeah, thanks for your question, Joseph. I think at some point I started hitting a block in that I was blocked in this area and I needed to get some help there. One of the things, I was just powerless over my lack of acceptance of myself.

26:22I was perfectionistic. I wasn't able to be gentle with myself in any way. I had such high expectations. The memory of all the damage that I caused was very fresh in my mind and I felt that I just need, I don't have a right to do it at some pace that I need to do it at a very fast pace to recover. And that got me to a point where I kind of ran out of gas at a certain point. It happened last year during COVID. So what I had to do was just literally I was, I realized that I was powerless over this ability to be gentle with myself. And I needed help from my power, from my sponsor, from another program to get myself able and willing to be gentle with myself. And some of that had to do with going back into the past and resolving some trauma from

27:27the past. All of it together had a part of getting me to a point where I'm in a, usually I'm in a place of self love, but there are definitely bumps on the road where I could easily go into believing myself. So I'd probably answer like that. Thank you for sharing that. I just had one of the thing was he told me the name of that program you're in with that help yourself. Yes, it's ACA. Okay, thank you. Yeah, build here in Las Vegas. Okay, after questions. Okay. Yeah, we're gonna go ahead. Oh, Bill and Las Vegas. Oh, hey, thanks, we know. Okay, yeah, I'm building here. We're for the coming six out of Las Vegas. Really, thank you so much for your provocation. Totally can relate to so much of it. Yeah, it seems like when we all tell our stories, it's kind of there and goes out like you can hear the question speak. But as a person

28:30like myself just still new to the program, I just kind of wondering and you probably hear this question over and over, but I need to always keep answering it for myself and and hanging out, how others have had been able to stay around so long. So in kind of briefly, can you let me know like the three main points probably that you do on a week to week basis, leaving a day to day basis to keep yourself sober. Thank you. Yeah, thanks, Bill. By the way, thank you very much for your share a couple of weeks ago. I really, I really, really enjoyed that share. Thank you. The things that I need to do that help my program on a daily or weekly basis, step zero, just big part of the essay fellowship. So making it to meetings, don't get isolated. Daily sobriety renewals are extremely important for me because if forces me every day,

29:32I have an accountability partner in essay. As it turns out, he's also working in another program that I'm working in. So it's a perfect fit. We get clean with each other every day and we do the daily sobriety renewal and it's it's a beautiful brother brotherly kind of care that we have for one another. So I would say that and and step 12 always gives me what I try to do as much as I can with regard to step 12, reaching out to newcomers or speaking, you know, open essay meetings, things like that. That's what I try to do. If I do those things, I'm in pretty good shape but that's that's not enough. I obviously need to keep working on it. That's 10, 11 and 12 on a daily basis. I don't do that on a daily basis, I must say, but I and when I don't, it just causes me pain and and and I suffer, you know, so, so when I'm doing all those things, I'm in a good condition.

30:38Great, thank you. Okay, let's please in one more quick question before announcers and then Alex will deal with us for another half hour post the post the announcement session. We would like to be next. Press star 60 on you and participate. Anyone else? Okay, then we'll quickly go to announcements and then we'll come back to do more Q&A. And again, our speaker today, Alex in Europe. Thank you so much for your service. I would like to thank you for listening to this episode of the Daily Reprieve, the best source for experience, strength and hope for essay members. Please subscribe to this podcast to be alerted of new episodes. Please show your support by donating to the Daily Reprieve by going to donate. TheDailyReprieve.com and choosing either monthly donations or a one-time donation by clicking donate now. Thank you for listening and stay tuned for the next episode of

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