ADHD masking - do you even know when you're doing it?

0:00Welcome to It's The ADHD Friendly Show, where we explore all things productivity, well-being, and live in our best-am ADHD lives at home and at work. My name is Karen McGill, I'm a certified ADHD life coach and I'm here to help you do life better. If you are someone who feels like you need to perform in order to get through the day, then you are not alone. I have felt that the majority of my life, and I think that most adults know what that feeling is like. But I'm going to speak to masking and performance as a neurodivergent because it is extra special. Let's call it that. The way that we need to show up in our surroundings, whether that's our social surroundings, our family, especially at work in school, means that we need to put a lid on certain aspects of ourselves in order to blend in, and not just blend in, but to be like a functioning normal part of society.

1:01I think it's something that we all have to do, and that's unfortunate, but masking is part of, I think, the adult experience. But here's the thing that I have learned from masking in every domain of life for my entire life. It gets to a point where you don't have a clear understanding of who is underneath that mask. When you are putting on a mask to be presentable and acceptable in every area of life, there is never a moment where the mask comes off, and you can just be who you are. You almost forget that is something that you're consciously doing in order to have a job, do well in school, maintain friendships. Like masking, I think, is an everyday part of life, but I think that some people are able to get in the car or close the door to their house and take the mask off and just be like, ah, now I get to be myself. And some of us don't even feel that level of comfort to do that. At this stage of my life, at 55, where I'm kind of like sliding into retirement, I am

2:06starting to understand what that feels like, because my relationship to my work has changed. It's no longer dependent on, you know, my survival. Now I'm doing it because I want to do it. And that has given me an incredibly privileged experience of approaching a big part of my life in a very new way, where I can just show up and be who I am. And if people don't like it, that's okay. I'm not here to offend anyone, but I am here to be me and take up space. And that is something I've never done in my life. And to do it now is a very scary thing and it's taken therapy and doing a lot of self-reflection and journaling in order to even try it. So today I wanted to talk about the idea of unmasking because if there's one thing that I could turn back the clock and do differently, it would be learning to unmask before I got to the stage of life. I would have loved to have done this sooner because the sooner you can learn to unmask

3:09and know when masking is important and when masking is not important. And being able to take breaks from masking, I think that you get a greater understanding of who you are and what's important to you and, you know, that internal instinct that I think we all need, but some of us just can't hear. And I am definitely one of those people. And the reason that I want to talk about this today is not only because of the stage of life that I'm in, but it's a, I think it's called an advanced reading copy of a book that I recently received. It's called Friendship Skills for Nerd of Urgent Adults. So it is not out yet. It is written by Carolyn McGuire, who I have actually met once that although she probably wouldn't remember me. She came and presented at one of my ADHD coaching classes. But I plan to interview her on this book because it's really good. She has another book that's related to children. I think it's why we'll nobody play with me. But this is sort of like that same idea for adults.

4:11And it is a book that I am so excited to share with you. But there's one area in particular that I thought was really important. And it's this whole section on adapting versus masking because I think it's a really good place to start when we think about how we actually unmask. So this is related to social situations in particular. The irony is that trying to fit in by appearing typical, quote unquote, often leaves us feeling more disconnected, alienated, and alone. But does that mean that we can totally avoid adapting to how we interact with the world? No. To me, there is a big difference between suppressing your needs and adapting to the context of a situation or environment. And let's be honest, there is tension between those two thoughts. How can I be my real self and also need to adapt to my neurodivergent traits in order to fit the various situations of my life, which I think is like a question we all ask ourselves. And one thing that she pulled together on the next page is a little table that I'm going

5:14to read to you now. And it is examples of what is adapting versus what is masking. Because I think what we want to think about is how to adapt to situations such that we can still meet our own needs and not be as practical or whatever the case may be. And when we just have to put on a mask and say, I'm going to be somebody completely different until this event or situation is over, which is how I've gone through life. And one star do not recommend. So here's the comparisons she makes. Adapting is feeling like whatever you're doing is a choice versus masking, which feels like your powerless to make a choice. So think about that from your own perspective. Like when you have the agency to make decisions, sometimes you're going to decide what's best for all versus what's best for you and your needs. And that can be adapting. But if you're not even given the choice, if you know I need to be a certain way in order to survive this, that is definitely masking.

6:16Adapting is usually temporary, whereas masking is usually ongoing without an end in sight. If you have to behave a certain way to present something at work, be extroverted when you're really introverted, that's adapting. But to have to go to work every day and pretend that certain things are funny when they're not or pretend that you want to be extroverted when you don't or pretend that people talking loud around you is just fine when it's not, that is absolutely masking. And definitely a lot of reasons why certain jobs didn't last very long for me. Adapting does not stem from fear, whereas masking does stem for fear. So adapting is making a choice to do something, whether it's the best choice for you or the best choice for all, because you're comfortable making that choice, rather than again, fearing if I don't make this choice, then I'm going to lose my job or lose my friend or whatever the case may be. Adapting doesn't cause increased stress, whereas masking does cause increased stress.

7:18And I think that is so true of any situation, when you feel like you have agency, you're willing to put up with something that's not your preference, because you know it'll end, you're not afraid of what the consequences will be if you don't put up with it. And because of that, you're less stressed about it. Adapting doesn't require you to eliminate yourself soothing behaviors, masking does require you to reduce or eliminate your self soothing behaviors. And I think there's a time and place for self soothing behaviors anyway, like I definitely have my own self soothing behaviors like chewing on my nails, chewing on my cuticles, you know playing with my hair, one of my self soothing behaviors is wearing yoga pants and sweatshirts or t-shirts, which is not always appropriate for every situation. And I have worked very hard to let my work life accommodate for my stimming or self soothing behaviors by trying to work from home. And that has been a good way for me to manage it, but I know that's not available to

8:20everyone. So I thought that those specific examples of adapting versus masking was a really good way to frame how we're deciding to move through our days. Obviously, we can't have things our own way all of the time. That is just part of life. But if you are constantly giving up your own needs, putting your own needs aside out of fear of some sort of retribution or rejection, and that is based on like a real fear versus something that's just, I don't want to say made up or in your head, but versus something that could be explained by an RSD or rejection sensitive dysphoria experience where you think that there's a fear, but there may not be a fear. And teasing through like what is and what isn't can be very difficult, I know. But having like that frame of reference is a good way to think about how you're showing up in your own life. And if it is constant and elevates your stress and you feel fear that if you stop, there

9:28will be retribution. Then that is a really good thing for you to look at and think, is this, whatever this is, worth me going through this experience of self erasure and just completely letting go of my own needs and requirements to be a happy whole person? Is it worth it? Or is it not? And only you can answer that. Sometimes it is worth it. There's been experience in my life where I've had jobs that I was clearly masking, but it was worth it for a period of time or other experiences in my life where I knew this isn't temporary and it's going to get me to somewhere that I'm going to feel a lot better. Sometimes that is entirely the right decision and sometimes it's not. So I just want to put those out there for you so you can think about them for yourselves because I have been thinking about this a lot lately myself and it requires you to go through every area of your life, every relationship, every hobby, every commitment that you have

10:28and ask yourself, am I doing this? Because first of all, am I doing this because I want to or am I doing it because I think I need to for some external reason because I think that's a big part of masking as well. And then how am I showing up for this? Am I showing up in a way that is adapting appropriately to the situation without completely disregarding my own needs or am I showing up to this relationship or experience or whatever it is like with complete disregard to what my own needs are? If you pause and say, well, geez, I don't even know what my needs are, then that is a very good place to start. One of the things that I do with all of my coaching clients is get them to do a survey to kind of a survey, understand what their needs are. And I actually have like a free assessment that you can use if you want. I will link to it below. Should you be interested in it? That's just way of like going through various different needs, like human needs and just checking off which ones feel more aligned to you that you generally need in order to

11:32feel like a whole person versus other things. And we all have very different needs knowing what your needs are is the first step towards getting the met. And then when you get your needs met, then you're in a better position to say, am I masking in this situation? Or am I adapting? And if I have to mask, is it worth it? And at some point, am I going to get my needs met or am I just getting into this phase of life where you always have the mask on and you just don't even know what's underneath anymore because I don't want that for any of us. So anyway, I hope that helped. I definitely will interview Carolyn. I think this is something that all of us are going to have interest in. And yeah, until next time, have a great week.