A JackAss-ian Figure | Horatio Nelson (Part 2/10)

0:00MUSIC Welcome back to Finn vs History. I'm droid by Erasio Gould. And today we're finally getting to Horatio Nelson. My name's Saint. The other Horatio. Yeah, one of the three... Is Horatio Cain from CSI Miami, Horatio Nelson and me? I don't know. That first one. It's a big name for the Voptos. I'll tell you that. Which are you named after? Horatio Cain. No, I'm not named after anyone specifically. And they actually just like the name. But I guess Nelson probably would be more in the... I also... I also bebe's related to Nelson. Really? You go way, way back. Well, all I... Right. Go on. My great, great, great, great, maybe great, great, great, great, great. Grandfather was the... No arms. He had no arms. And was blind. Anyway, no, he was the surgeon on the HMS victory. Really? About 15 years after Trafalgar.

1:01Oh. So, yeah. It's really cool. And then it's not when it was a tourist boat. When it was a prison, I think. A flushing prison in Port Smith, I think. But there's a portrait of him in my uncle's house. And this is how creepy it is. He looks exactly like my uncle. And I thought for the first 15 years of my life, oh, that's my uncle dressed up as like a nice... Oh, really? Wow. And then we were like, oh, no, that's your Gregorio Granola. That's a glitch in the making. It looks exactly like my uncle. Discipline breeding, isn't it? Yeah. That's like... You've got time. But if you still look like your great, great, great, great, Grandfather, really... That's not... Presbyterian stuff. Well, that's Scotland for you. You look like my sister, brilliant. Let's get married. And then we'll have me and you. We're talking about Horatio Nelson. Yes. It's part two of our epic. No girls allowed ten-part on the other part of the walls. I think Nelson... I don't know if the ladies of the room agree. I think Nelson really... And this cross is a bit of the boundaries from even male stuff. Really? I would say so. When you say it's pretty...

2:02It's just... It's romantic. I think there's... I don't know. It feels... It doesn't get... It's bogged down in the sort of like nitty-gritty. I think the story is... A concross gender barrier. Naval amputations. Yeah. But I don't know. You say in babies, listen to podcast about naval amputations. I think Nelson as a figure is more attractive for women. People often comment saying, why are you doing this? He's got a fucking column. Yeah, I don't know out there every Sunday wearing a stone iron badge defending it. Yeah. Against anyone preemptively defending it. Come on then. Come on. Yeah, no one's talking about knocking that down, but I'm defending it. I'm defending it. You're not knocking down, because I'm... Yeah, my favourite video of a true patriot, a real telegraph reader, is the... Do you know that guy in a flat cap who goes, pushes away, church, there's a racist, the cop, or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that guy. So I just like, that is... This is one of our parents for sure. There's just something... Fuck off. I've never seen a more right-wing man, just like the way that... You could just tell. You should have... Yeah.

3:03Barba jacket, stone iron badge. Fuck off, fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off, bollocks, get rid of it. Horatio Nelson is... You know, it's weird because I didn't learn about any of this at school. I found all this out myself. I did my own research for this as well. I've done my own research here. Right. And I think that's a national travesty that our children are... are kept away from the Napoleonic Wars. In Nelson... Is the most exciting British... individual for a storytelling perspective? Until David Beckham, yeah. Yeah. Who can match him? I mean, Monty... No, we know it. We did Monty. He's the World War II equivalent, but it's nowhere near exciting. Horatio Nelson, and also... So much of our architecture, you know, is based around this period of history. And yet it's just... Like, one-dimensional architecture, I'll say. Yeah. It's just names, right? And then you find out what he actually did and who he was.

4:03And fuck me. This is the best it gets. Well, I guess because I was called Horatio, I was always interested in Nelson from a young age. I don't know about that one. I imagine you said that a lot at school. My name's Horatio. No, no, no, no, that one. But yeah, I'm surprised that people wouldn't know about him. So that was like... It's average size, actually. What? It doesn't matter. No, it's not. Horatio's column. It's average size, actually. Yeah. Much smaller column. Horatio's column, much smaller. I'll be your Horatio's column. Where's that? I can't see it. It is there. It's just... There is normally a man at the end of it. It's a single story thing. Well, it's a man sitting on it. Yeah, absolutely. It's a man with a hat at the end of it. Absolutely, man. No one I'm sitting on it. Yeah, but it doesn't... Wait, is Nelson bouncing on that column? Nelson's bouncing on top of that thing. Yeah, Nelson... I don't know. I feel like... I feel like... Why the fact that I don't know that?

5:04We do know about Erickson. This is a good... The strip is going to country. It's a good start. So Trafalgar Square. I've been there. Yeah. What Trafalgar Square named after? Er... The Battle of Trafalgar. Would you know who's involved in the Battle of Trafalgar? You wouldn't. A man. Do you know that Erickson is at the top of that column? Er... The middle of Trafalgar. I didn't know that. I've heard of that. You didn't know he was at the top. I thought there was a guy out there, but I wasn't sure if it was him. I don't know why you... Nelson's gone. Who's that? I'll be there. Is that Nelson? Is that Nelson? Is that Nelson's the Simpsons? What's he doing there? What's he doing? What's that guy doing on top of there? Yeah. It's surely he would represent the column and then there'd just be like a... Maybe the... Listen, we're getting... I'm just going to stop this here. This is not what they're truly in for. Okay, listen. The women are banished. It's men time. Right. Listen to a fucking spaz behind the computer. Talk about a bloke on top of a column. His life is awesome. It's a perfect story. It's incredible. Yeah. It's... It's a mar... It's a martyr. It's a romantic martyr. And also, Monty didn't have the privilege of getting killed or well bought too.

6:05So he lived to the 70s. He lived too long to then say that being gay was a French thing and a crime. Right. And supporting... The saying that Nelson was... Supporting a part, I... And saying that Africa should be one massive country. Right. Now Nelson did thankfully was saved from that disgrace. A French sniper. Although, obviously he would have said the same thing. Yeah. So, Horatio Nelson is born in 1758 in Norfolk to his father Edmund Nelson and his mummer, Catherine Suckling. So I mean that thing. He has an uncle called Morris Suckling, which I think is probably the best name we've encountered on the post. Morris Suckling. Morris Suckling, good to meet you. Imagine having a business gotting Morris Suckling. Sort of, it's quite a toast of London sort of. It is. Morris Suckling. It's the same name. But this is the... I thought you were dead, Morris Suckling. Not Morris Suckling again. A dastardly Morris Suckling. But it's the 18th century. You know, this is... It's a very vivid, bombastic, brine blessed of the S.K.

7:07Fanny's. There's a lot of fannies about. Horatio marries Fanny. Yeah. And you're bringing this back. Horatio and BB. I guess so. They're funny names. Yes. You know. They're noises. They're noises. Hong Kong. Hong Kong. Ribbit, ribbit. Hong Kong, blue blib. Right. He is born in Norfolk and his mother dies when he's nine. And I think maybe, well, again, like you say, this is where the psycho analysis has come to. It was all because his mum moved. Yeah. But you could say that this is why he maybe feels... Or rather, he wants to feel things. And he... Very emotional. You want a big, intense life. Yeah. You know, he wants glory. And this is... From a very honest... He's a little bit of an opponent in the sense that he's used himself as a great act of history. And he's like, feels that his life is writing his own story. Yes. But they're temperamentally quite different, I feel. Yeah. Nelson is not a sweaty school shooting himself. He's a sweaty because he's ill. He's sickly at the start, definitely.

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9:11And next generation defences to keep enemies at bay. That's new weapons for new wars with me, Gavin Esner. Search This Is Not a Drill on your favorite app now. So he's prone to, quote, nervous weakness. And he's also seasick his entire life. But he just fuck fuck that. Plow on. He conquers seasickness with the mind. Yeah, right. Which is not what I mean, I went on a boat recently on a family holiday in Cornwall. My daughter loved it, standing at the bow, big cap on, smiling, loving it. My son got on the boat and then got so scared that he fell asleep like those fainting goats. So scared he fell asleep. Yeah, yeah, just just like just fell asleep, covering my majors. I get incredibly seasick and I got a very stomach British uncle who I was a saying Cornwall and it was more succulent. It was more succulent and he did the most British because he's seasick as well.

10:15But he was like this. He just went and he just went like he opened his mouth. Yeah, loads of sick came out and he just went as if nothing had happened. Yeah, that's amazing. But it's not throwing up. He's just opening a mouth to let the sick out and then carrying on. Yeah, he enters to his sickly child, Nelson. He is also a very early, a sort of apocryphal tale. He ignores his grandmother's warnings to cross a field containing a dangerous bull. And he says fear. I never saw fear. So yeah, so Theresa May's sort of stuff. Yes, he is. This is a long road to Theresa May. Only May can he call Nelson's courage and bravely and wildness. At this size of fear. And we did not know how good we had it when we had May, okay? Who is this Nelsonian figure outside Down Street? The country, I love, you know, they both love their country. They both serve their country. One of them defeated the Spanish of Trafalgar, ensuring that in the age of a new and able spirituality, the other one tried to get us off Brexit through it didn't have to leave. Okay, they're both Titanic figures. Yeah.

11:15So in 1771, Nelson enters the Royal Navy age 12 because his uncle Captain Suckling, on good old uncle Suckling, who's not a player, though, even though it's an awful name. Yeah, if you call Captain Suckling, you're an arch player. If you're uncle Captain Suckling, I mean, I can't even want three more P-Doh were like, you know how it's what three words for P-Dohs? You know how there's what three words for locations? If you had it for P-Dohs, one would be Captain Uncle Suckling. Uncle Captain Suckling. So he's in the Royal Navy. He gets Nelson in 1771. Should we place 1771? This is Nelson joining the Navy a huge moment in the history of this country. Charlie, do you want to have a go at it? Yes, after Nelson before. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Right, after Nelson is born, but before Belson, the concentration camp, was there a ratio Belson? There was. Yep, we're pre, we're pre-Belson, not Baratio Belson.

12:19Allegedly, politically, Allegedly, Baratio Belson. Anyway, no, so, yes, long before Belson, Belson is just a twinkle in Hitler's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather's eye. Anyway, Horatio Nelson ensues the Navy 1771, even though he's very, very seasick, but he just goes, fuck it. And he calls himself Horace initially to avoid sounding pompous. Did you ever do that? I do. Harry. I remember we first started working together on internet. Yeah. You were like, don't, don't introduce me to the ratio. You want me, Horace? Because I was trying to trick influences into thinking this was a real thing. And I was like, if our names are thin, Horace, and the whole sound made up, yeah. So it was, wasn't it, thin, victor and harry or something? Yes. Yeah. Can you talk about your fake secretary? I thought you'd just go for that. I talked about it many times, but I pretended to be a woman with a double rout of her name for about six months. And got into it, must forlusting with men who are influencer agents. Thank God it's Friday. I was doing stuff like that, you know? So I never had a job.

13:19So I was just like, I don't forget to do this. Yeah. Bloody Monday, hump day, Monday, hump day. You know, it was fun. I was COVID, didn't have any work. Anyway. Him and uncle suckling are what suckling remarked, what has Paul Horace done who is so weak he should be sent to rough it out at sea. The first time we go into action, a cannonball may knock off his head while you're wrong, suckers. Yeah. So Nelson, very early on, is an Arctic expedition on HMS car. I think the key to finding attribute of Nelson is he sees to be the bravest man he's ever lived. Ever. For physical bravery. I mean, it's a point where it feels like he has something missing in his brain that has fear. His life weirdly is sort of like Jack is very jackassian. I'd say. Yeah. It's like, I've never used it. I heard that word. If it's a jackass, he lives a jackassian life. He's a jackassian figure. But it's sort of like jackass if it wasn't a comedy.

14:21It's jackass if it's a drama. Yes. So imagine them all doing that. But no one's laughing. They maybe say, has are. Yeah. It's not it's it. It's doing all those things, putting us as much danger as possible. It's not for comic books, not funny. No, it's serious. Well, and he's British. So he's not like a steve. A serious serious steve. It actually be dirty Sanchezium because he's British. Right. So yes, he's a jackassian figure now. And I like that. So supposedly now, now who knows if this is myth or not, but he definitely gets sucked into the myth. Because we have to remember. Let's pretend it isn't. Let's pretend it's not myth. It's the end of the 18th century. The romantic era is dawning upon us. People love the idea of individual brilliance and who heroism like the Greek tragedies and stuff. So in an art exhibition on HMS Carcass, a 15 year old Nelson decides to go and hunt a polar bear. Supposedly when his musket misfires, he thinks, fuck it and attacks it with the weapons, but to skin it for his father.

15:22Now, supposedly we do painting. There's a big famous painting over there of a 15 year old attacking a polar bear over the end of a rifle. Right. I'm going to go out in the limon and say, I doubt whether that happened. Yeah. But he's got the color person who would do something like that. If anyone did do it, it was it was Beratia Belson. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, he bells in the polar bear completely. But again, that tactic will come up again and again in. What's smacking a polar bear in the face of the mountain? No, but as in his very, he's very root one tactically. It's like absurdly heroics. But whereas Napoleon is more refined than he's playing 3D chess, Nelson is going, I'm just going to drive it to the Earth. See what's there. You'll see if you like that. Seeing as it's got mythic and they're both very aware of the classics, both of them. Yes. It feels like Nelson's Achilles, this sort of like, it's courage and will. Yes. And Nelson's more vicious. It's more like cunning and cerebral. It's pure bravery.

16:23It's sort of, yeah, it's lizard brain versus thinking brain. Nelson. They know each other exist. Yes. Crucially. Not yet. They never meet. They never meet. But it's an episode of the sea. Yeah, it is a bit like federal. But they're playing different sports. I tell you a good time to play to places actually, right? In the 1770s, I believe early in the 1770s, the Forkland Islands. Yes, the 70s. It's under threat. Right. And Britain, Captain Uncle Sockling, is going to say an extra addition to going, you know, not for the first time, relieve our southern border from his panic interference. Yes. And I just want to make sure this is clear. Argentine doesn't even exist at this point. No. So just just a little bit more information. Argentine does not even a country at this stage. Yeah, but the Forklands are British. So I think you'll find Las Malvinas on England terrace. Yeah. Wankers.

17:23Anyway, right? It's not political. It's not political, but it's not political. It's not political. It's not political. But that's how you final did hurt quite a lot. Yes. But also that are all fucking descended from war crime also. Who cares? Now initially, right, the ship is going to go to the Forklands. By the time the ship was ready, the crisis had been resolved. OK, yet again, the British secure the southern border. Right. OK, so to place Nelson's life, it happens between the Forklands crisis. Right. Right. After the Arctic, he goes to India and the East Indies. This is on the HMS Seahorse. He gets malaria. Yeah, he gets sick. He picks up every on this. Every point he picks up an illness. Bunch, so this guy is basically, where's, where does he, at one point, I think it's in the Caribbean. He sits under some tree that's like a poisonous tree. The Manchinil tree. So this is during a San Juan expedition. He accidentally sleeps under this tree. The sap drips onto his skin, giving him severe blisters. And he drinks river water poisoned by the leaves.

18:25And he barely survived, but is nursed back to health by local woman using a mixture of herbs and boiled snakes. So he gets ill everywhere. And then in 1778, he's promoted to Commander on the HMS Badger. Badger. And now in Quebec, this is missing from a lot of the history. Right, right. Do you know this? In Quebec in 1782, an age only 24 Nelson falls obsessively in love with the 16 year olds. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. That's my 18th century of work. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Let the dog see the rabbit. Mary Simpson, say her name, in Quebec. He's so horny for this 16 year old that he basically has to be restrained from getting off the ship. Otherwise, he's going to desert it. Because he's just trying to get the 16 year old on land. So he very nearly has a meltdown just leaves the Navy. Yeah. He feels things very strongly. He's romantic. He's a romantic figure. In 1787, Nelson is in the Caribbean.

19:25And he marries a woman called Fanny Nisbet. He had survived severe tropical fievers. He got ill everywhere he went. And he also, I think in like Norfolk in 1780, he was hunting, got shot in the face by his mate with like grape shot, just wiped the blood off, went, oh, well, just carried on. So he marries this woman Fanny, who is, is she an old, who chewed up widow like Josephine? No, I think she's got a son as well, right? She does have a son. Yeah. So their lives are quite similar in this point. She's like a real mid-Lingman, right? Yeah, she's fucking dull. Dull as manky dishwater. 1787, Nelson marries Fanny Nisbet on the Caribbean island of Nevis. At their wedding, the future king William IV is his best man. And he gets wildly drunk and then makes it inappropriate jokes during the ceremony. And then says that he's marrying a woman too cold for his quote volcanic nature.

20:26Right. It's not a good start. I mean, that's what you want a best man to do, I think. Yeah. When you're looking for your best man, you're looking for someone who, during the same experience, you're like, oh, I can chew it on my own, I'm not afraid. Is that what you want or? Yeah, I think you want a little bit or you want some talking points to come from the speeches. You want some stories? Yeah, because you want good speeches, but you do want some clangers, to be honest. I do think that's the perfect gamut. You need to come out. You want an emotional one that brings everyone up, but you do want like a disaster class. Oh, man. It's great to work. I've seen some absolute car crashes. Yeah. Never put the best man last. Yes. Never, unless it's me and I did a great job. It was also in Italy where I left the old Trump and I did the best job. But I did, I was at a wedding where the best man's speech was last and he just wrote, so funny thing about him. Yeah, we went to Thailand and, well, he likes him with big, with big decks of turns out. I didn't mention the bride once. No, the bride is hard for the bride to get a look at, I've realised. If you go traditional, if you go groom, father of the bride and best man, yeah.

21:30It is just about awesome. It's just about the groom having sets of prostitutes and it's like the bride who's special there, it doesn't really get a mention. She may as well be on a leash, but with a muzzle. Yeah. How did that go down? Badly. Badly. It is. No, but just awkwardness. And then, but then, you know, as you're saying, it gave us someone to talk about on the right home. Yeah. I was at a wedding two days ago and one of the fathers of the bride, he kept walking into feedback, so it sounded like a Christian, an Poland trailer. And then when he stood backwards, the wind would get the mic. One of the fathers of the bride. Yeah, there's two fathers that, oh, sorry. Mike, God, there's a London wedding, is it? Sorry, there's a father of the groom. But now, in a stand. And the father of the bride, the big ones. Two does. Dries. Yeah, Bern is Britain. Anyway, people think that Nelson and Fanny actually liked each other. Although it seems like his entire life will be trying to get away from how boring she is. Whether that be through affairs or his own death. So they settle in Norfolk after he finishes in the West Indies.

22:32And then he just is rattling around for five years. Basically, I'm employed. Winging, he's a big winder as well. He mows a lot. Because he just wants action. Yeah. And I guess that's what. And he's got a lot of self-pity as well, which is something that's quite interesting to his character that you don't really see in the battles. He's like, he's very insecure and self-pitying. Yeah. But he's a frustrated romantic. Yeah. And if he doesn't have anything to do, yeah, he comes across quite more roles. When the rest of his history said, on land, he's like David Brandt, kind of. Yeah. So it's for, because that's C obviously, he's the sub-sert hero. But I think if he has nowhere to go, these men shouldn't be picked on land in the home counties. So who are the men nowadays that shouldn't be on land? Well, I guess the Thai cave drivers people are at. Yes, that's what they should be on the ground. Yeah. Yeah. And Middleton, yeah, again, shouldn't be on. Who's that? Who's that woman there? You've got up. That's Fanny. Yeah, she doesn't look like a laugh, I will say. She's not, you know, she's not doing white wine, so it's good. I don't think she's cheating on you, though, Fanny.

23:32Oh, she knows. Sold as a rock. But, you know, if Napoleon's got Josephine with her black stinky mouth to chow down, yeah, Fanny's not, I don't think Fanny's giving you much of a sniff. No. No. Fanny doesn't have to do this exact, Lizzygzag. No, Fanny's not doing Lizzygzag. Just that. What's Fanny doing just straight, straight and narrow? Yeah. Missionary once a month. Yeah. She just didn't really say it away. Can you do doggy sad? Is my question. Can you do break up doggy? I don't think any of her backs like that. I don't think it's art. What? Like you're stroking a cat the wrong way. Yes, the small of her back is higher up than any part of her body. Right. Right. She ain't throwing it back. No, she's not, Fanny knows but it's not, it's not throwing the backpack. No. Fanny, I'll say this now, never had her back blown out. Yes. A Dow woman. She blew her own back in. Yes. Just got her getting blown out. She looks like she works in a charity shop, which I think are the least sexy people in the country. Right. No?

24:32I don't think he always. Yeah, because you've stopped having something. The Bernardo stop and go, this is such a mess. What are we doing? How do we get here? Crisis Finstery Park has got some nice people. You're saying there's some good totty in the crisis in Finstery Park? You're saying go and check out the tail in the crisis fritzry park? Anyway, so. He's stuck unemployed. Fanny's just digging holes in the garden. Right. But again, he does not have a ten-part series on the Napoleonic Wars to listen to. So what's he doing? Yes. Now, 1793, Britain and France are at war. OK? Britain is alarmed by French expansion, as always. And so Nelson is back in command in charge of the HMS Agamemnon. Another Greek myth in the exact same. So he, much like Napoleon, has a very distinct style of warfare. Now, it might be good chance to time to go into naval warfare. Ladies, I told you you weren't welcome here, but if you're still here, where three pairs of pants?

25:33We're guessing into naval warfare in the 18th century. OK? So it's all about how many cannons a ship has. Yes, but we should also talk about what the Royal Navy is at this point. Please. Because the Royal Navy, the beginning of the British Empire, it's all come from this kind of naval review that happened in like the late 600s, early 1700s, when we lost the naval battle to the Dutch, and we're like, we need to sort this out. And then we basically invented the naval service that ran the most efficient bureaucracy anywhere in the world. You know, in Greenwich, that's where we all started. Yeah, yeah. And then basically the Royal Navy became arguably the healthiest place to be in the world. Like, the height of all technology, the best of all technology. Yep. The best diet, biohacking. So... Limes... Limes is a huge thing. British people got called limees because we discovered that you got scurvy from a... Captain Cook, I think, pan that. Vitamin deficiency. Yep. But it's basically like the Royal Navy is the height of all technology. It's Silicon Valley.

26:33Yes, completely. It's like completely. It's the center of the industrial world. Yeah. And there's nothing that can really compare to the quality of the Royal Navy, which is one interesting thing about Nelson's victories. It's amazing as they are. They are also the best man crew boats. Yeah. And I wonder if we would have won those battles without him. Well, interestingly, a lot of the battles were outnumbered. Yes. But we have so much better equipment and training, as you say, because they're all Navy. Yeah, it's a bit like in Germany had that review after what the 2002 World Cup. Right. They got lost in the group stage and then they just start dominating again. Yes. And they changed their style of work. This is what St. George's Park was meant to be. Yes, exactly. The original St. George's Park was a naval review in the 70th century. Yeah. So all we have is the net. We're not a great land power. We have never had any of it. There's no point. No. We're fighting Scotland and Wales. Yes. Oh, history really. It's holding a magic like that. But the Navy. And they've got to get me. Yeah. It's just like it.

27:33You're just holding gimli like that. Yeah. Just fuck off. And Wales like that. Oh, yeah. But the Navy, as you say, is the. It's all of Britain's national security. It's empire as well. Everything is the Navy. Yeah. And Britain, the Spanish Navy has subsided at this point. Still big, but Spain and Portugal are still players, but they're not the powers they want. Yeah. And this is the most important. And Navy. This next 100 years is the most important. And Navy has ever been and probably will ever be. Yes. For global power. Yes. Because as soon as air power came in in World War II. And even what are you? The four clubs would not have been, would reclaim without the Navy. It's true. But it's not that running the Navy doesn't mean you run the world anymore. But at this point, this is the golden agent of naval warfare. It is. Right. So you have several different types of ships. As I say, ladies, your final warning. Okay. Four pairs of pants minimum. Right. You're going to go through them quick. We've added another pair of pants. I can't stress how I've never stated this is going to be. Okay. If your pelvic floor is weak, pause.

28:35Right. Do some squats. Yeah. Then start again. Right. But if you have dry perm, this, you could, this might be the thing for you. Hey, hey, they might awaken something. If you have dry vage, all right. Just pause intimacy. Skip to this bit. Yeah. Right. I'm going to discuss ships of the line. A ship of the line. Yeah. Right. Ladies is this is the sort of major ship that you judge a fleet strength by. This is a sort of multi story ships that have a large number of cannons. This is the most complicated weapon in the world. This is like a nuclear weapon. I guess so. Or maybe it's satellite technology. Yeah. So the first rate ship of the line, which would be HMS victory, which my head, my ancestors, mm mm mm mm. Fortress. And Fat American Taurus fell down the stairs. My, my Greg Greg, I was there to pick them up and put the Civic up back in their mouth and send them on their way.

29:35Right. So the ship that had the now, if you had a hundred or more guns, you were a first rate ship of the line. Yeah. All right. Second rate, 90s, 98 guns, blah, blah, blah. Now, then you had a frigate, which was a much more fast, maneuverable ship, which would be for scouting reconnaissance. That would still have about 20 to 30, 40 guns. Then you had Briggs and cutters, which are much smaller for dispatches, maybe getting food on board, et cetera. But really, when you're talking about a fleet size, you want to know how many ships of the line they have. All right. Ladies, go to the other room, get more pants, come back. Now, we're now going to get into the mechanics of warfare. Have you changed them? Here we go. A broad side is when a simultaneous attack using all the cannons on one side of the ship. So naval warfare, then Till Nelson, is all about turning the ship so that your cannons are all on one side. And that's when you fire at an opponent. So it's again, similar to how Napoleon disrupts on land.

30:37It's too faring squads look at each other. It is. And it's at a great time. And basically, it's kind of who rides the swell of the sea better so that their aim doesn't go. And they just fire at each other, fucking loads and loads of guns. The command that captures this probably best in the film. Yeah, when it decides to be exciting, yes. But it does seem like one of the worst places to be. I think when you're in a naval battle, you have to remember a lot of people are dying from massive splinters. Yeah. I mean, I don't even know how to explain to this. Yeah, it's that. But like all of your body and the splinters are quite big. So there's people just with like a big splinter in their head like that. Yeah. And they get it out order. But also when you're at the front of the cannons, you're just the whole time I feel like. I don't know, like I'm about to get fucking, you're about to get smashed up. Like, I don't know how they. Did you know this? Did you know that so an officer or an admiral on the ship was not allowed to duck? Yes.

31:37Or even flinch. So someone like Nelson when he's in command and you know, there are cannons firing everywhere. Huge splinters of wood and fucking metal and mass saying down. You have to just stand there like, yes. And if you go, oh fuck, then you're completely abandoned. Completely ordered. It's your command. Yeah, exactly. And then also he's wearing the different colored suit to everyone else. He's got all the metal. He's got a massive hat on. He's got a massive arrow saying, I'm the king at me. So he's a Johnny Knoxville sort of challenge. He's jacks jacks jacks jacks jackassian figure. So the flagship is the biggest ship in the fleet, which carries the flag and the senior commander. This is also kind of the, it's how you communicate with the other fleet. So it's, you know, ladies, we're getting into semaphore. You're going to have to go out and buy new pants now, okay? Semaphore is where you use flags to communicate signals and even like words, such sentences.

32:37I imagine at some point they put the pride flag up when they all want to have a bit of a ding dong down to it. Right. Right. Okay, that's the nushing off flag. And then you just even though it's all broad size and cannons, at a certain point, they'll be grappling hooks to swing onto another ship and then start fighting with swords. It's awesome. Right. It's good stuff. Now, is everything we knew about warfare, changing right before our eyes. The war in Ukraine began with tanks and infantry now drones, network systems and low cost weapons, wage a battle for dominance. In new weapons for new wars, a brand new limited series from this is not a drill. We look at the fastest, most intense transformation of warfare in half a century. Automated battle systems that learn as they fight, faster, more accurate missiles, cheap drones that can take out a warship for less than the cost of a family car.

33:39And next generation defences to keep enemies at bay. That's new weapons for new wars with me, Gavin Esther. Search, this is not a drill on your favourite app now. Do you struggle to keep up with the news every week? The bunker has got you covered. Every Monday, we really start your week, where we go over the big stories to follow in the coming days. And then on Friday, we have our weekly raffle, where we give you the context and the meaning behind the biggest and the weirdest stories of recent days. Search for the bunker, wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe, so you never miss an episode. The objective of a naval battle was not always to sink the ships. It was merely to destroy or capture them, which would then force the fleet to surrender, which would be more important because you could then take the ships and add them to your navy. So, but Nelson ultimately will pursue a different tactic of annihilation.

34:41I've tried to wipe the fleet out. Which hasn't really been done before. That's also what the Poles want in the polls. That's also what Napoleon is doing on land. Is annihilating forces rather than just sort of trying to get them to sink in. And check from the most morning. With that in mind, Nelson is an ambitious young officer. And he fucking hates the French. He's a real patriot this guy. Because Napoleon uses France as a tool to leverage his own power. And Napoleon is loyal to Napoleon above all else. But Nelson is a... And his wife stinky slut, black man. Yeah, yeah, let's not forget that. Napoleon. Yeah, can't forget that. And his wife's black minge. Which is her mouth. But yeah, the lowest hole in her face. But Nelson is quite... He's a bit himboish in this way. He's quite like... He's not thinking deeply about things. He loves God and his country and action. Yeah. You know? He is a man of action. Well, let's just do it and work it out. So in 1793, as war breaks out,

35:42you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil. French are nothing but thieves, murderers, oppressors and infidels. That's good stuff. I would not have a Frenchman in the fleet except as a prisoner. I put no confidence in them. Forgive me. I put my mother hated the French. In 1793, as we said, he is in Naples and he meets a lady called Emma Hamilton, who I'm sure it's her turn to. But he's trying to gather near-politin support to take on the polin into law. So, shame, near-politin being used in a military context doesn't really work. Seeing as this is actually like a function of the Mediterranean front. Yeah. Near-politin is an ice cream or a... Or a pizza. So it does sound... Well, that's why. It wouldn't have helped. It doesn't really work in a military sense. No. The near-politin front is sound... I don't get the fucking polonaisen. What do you mean? Which means you've allied with the polonais. No, the Bolonian, the Bolonian army. Yeah, the polon... No, the fucking you don't know about. He's got a fucking ragu. That's not gonna help. We're gonna pour ragu on them. Oh, he's got the vongole.

36:43Why are you all about idiots? Right. So, in 1797, we get to his first sort of hero-making story. Now, in 1796, Spain had allied with France, right? Which was a real do-do. In his sailing from Gibraltar to report intelligence on the Spanish warships. He then is told to blockade a larger Spanish fleet. There's just off the coast of what would be porch, could I think? His capes in Vincent. In 1794, at the siege of Calvi in Corsica, Debrae from a ship blast, scratches his face and it causes the permanent loss of vision in his right eye. So this is the first of his iconic injuries, what do I mean? Yes. He's like a parallel impion. And he loves an injury. Oh, he wants nothing more. It's a huge part of the branding of him. It's a real like... I guess it's quite disability-forward. Very. Yes, very.

37:43Interestingly. This is not all disabilities are visible. It's not what they're saying. All disability should be visible. It's more the edge of the time. And the heroic. Yeah. But now there's kind of a like, oh no, don't make me a superhero. I'm just normal. Right. So you're all mean. So I see. Well, he's like, no, I'm better than you because I'm doing this and I've not drawn eye on art. Yes. I can do this on my eyes closed because they're forced closed because I'm blind. Because I'm blind. I have to do it on my eyes closed. David Blumke could be home secretary with his eyes closed. Yeah. He had to be. But he refuses to wear an eye patch because he thinks that's ridiculous. And also his eyes not actually shredded or anything. It's just a bit milky. Milky eye. Milky eye. So then we get to the Battle of Capes and Vincent. Now this is just off the coast of Portugal. And he is ordered. Where's Ronaldo born? That's Madera. Madera. So that neck of the word, right? Madera is a bit closer to Africa.

38:44Right. Anyway, the Battle of Capes and Vincent, Nelson breaks orders. Right, which is a recurring theme. He's told to stay in a line, right, to blockade the Spanish fleet. And he goes, fuck this. And he breaks out and basically picks off a couple of ships himself. He boards the San Nicholas shouting, Westminster Abbey, all glorious victory. I basically meet what does that mean? Means he's going to be buried in Westminster Abbey or, I know this point, he's not just a whatever. But he does seem to have almost suicidal ideation. He's obsessed with his own death with glory, glorious death. Every every battle he's like, I hope I fucking dying this one. Yeah. And every time he's devised, he's like, what we've got to get another one. Next one. Let's start another one. Yeah. In 1797, right, another shard of wood causes a severe scrotal hernia. Scrotal hernia. Well, his bow slides into his groin. Right. And they have to treat it by manually shoving his intestines back up. So what this is?

39:44And taking heavy lead weights to his groin. So basically the bow goes into his scrotum. I actually didn't know about this one. Yeah. This one is less, he doesn't use this in the paintings. I don't think if you look at the back of a renal, some scholar, I don't think you see his biz bombing his balls. Can you, what does that, how does that work, Charlie? Can you find out what a bow hernia is when it goes into the, is your scrotum? Can you put it out of your balls? No, no, that's not what's happening. No, I think it's intestines going to your balls. So you have massive balls. That's so confident. I think it's right. Yeah. A bow scrotum. And yeah, an iniquinial hernia where the loop of the intestine drops down the abdomen through it and opening the groin muscles enters the scrotum. I think I killed myself, if I had. Really? But that's from in Nelson just thinks, fuck it. Brilliant. Fuck it. So he must've been just in pain the whole time. It's big balls, I guess. He's got big balls though. He has got big balls. But that's because his bum wasn't his balls. Fucking hell, he's got balls. No, no, no, you don't just have his bum isn't his balls.

40:44Anyway, Nelson gets a knighthood. He says a knight of bath. I don't know what that is. Is that not just a knighthood? Anyway, he's then promoted to rear admiral, Roy Oye. I mean, all the ranks are very kind of like that. Roy Oye, rear admiral, Horatio's here. Now, it's fast name because if he had not won this battle, then he would have basically just been caught martial. But because he does win it, I mean, he completely breaks rank. So he's starting to get a name for himself in naval circles. And then we get to possibly the funniest of his expeditions. Well, when he goes to the war. Basically, it's a war. Yeah. He's basically awful on land. Yeah. So in 1797, he had. In 1797, he had this idea off his own accord to basically intercept one of the Spanish treasure fleets from the new world when they're docking at Tenerife because I think they've blockaded Spain.

41:45So they have to go to the Canary Islands. And so he basically is like, right, if we, if we nick it, if we, it's not Eldorado, if we, if we nick it, if we get the ship and get all the treasure, there's like a naval rule where if you fight, it's like Finder's keeper. Like, you get it, you get a percentage of it. So they would be, they would be millionaires overnight, right? So he basically attempts a night assault to seize Tenerife. When did you last go to Tenerife? To May. Yeah. You've been Tenerife. Yeah. Big water park, right? The best in the world. 12 years in a row. What? 12 years in a row. He's one best water park. He's not been in trouble. That's who? It's Wicked. It's Unbelievably. Siam Park. Yeah. And this is pre before that though. Yes, this is, well, this is where they got the idea for Nelson. Yeah, you think you can do a ride where you're trying to attempt to see Spanish treasure fleet. Sure. Anyway, so this is a bad idea because Tenerife is just a sort of rock and it's full of just drunk people from fucking Margate. Yes.

42:45Busting fags and watching big tellies on a strip. But he, so he goes right, we're going to seize the actual Canary Islands because they're both support. There's no, he hasn't really got a plan because he doesn't really do plans. So he boards the beach and then they, they like march up a hill and then they get to the hill and they realize that the hills pointless. It's not where they thought they were. So they march back down and then people spot them and start just shooting at them. And he gets hit by a musket ball that shatters his right arm and he is right handed. Yeah, we can must always remember he's right handed. The worst is the better it feels. His humorous was fractured in multiple places. Right. He lost his funny bone. He lost a sense of humorous. So he's taken to onboard the HMS thesis. He refuses to be helped on board going, let me alone, I've got my legs on one arm. Right. This guy is a fucking bloke. Yeah. It's the Monty Python. Yeah, it's just by the scratch. Yeah. Let's get into how his arm is amputated on board a ship tonight.

43:48Please. All right. Ladies. No, actually, ladies, this is for you. You'll love this. You're sick, fucks. So amputations were almost as true crime and what Donald was doing to one of the victims. So amputations were always happening on ships at this time. And we're going to enter the details. It's pretty, it's pretty gnarly stuff. So a surgeon would get a screw tourniquet and clowns. It was aesthetic though. They just had a swig of rum. Yeah, there's rum. Yeah. So Nelson refused to have any rum. Right. He was like, nah, just kind of off. Yeah. I'm in bad enough health at the minute. I don't want to fucking add. I don't want to hang over tomorrow as well as this. You cut my arm off. I don't want to think, oh, fuck it out. I'm going to suck. Fuck me. So a screw tourniquet, which I guess is like a vice, is clowns. The vice is clamped around the arm to crush the tissue and stop the blood flow. Right. Then a long, cold knife is used to slice through the skin and muscle down to the bone.

44:48Then the surgeon, if you can call him that, swaps. He pulls. He pulls the muscle back with a linting cloth and gets his bone sore out. Right. Then cuts through the bone. Arteries are tied shut with silk thread. That's nice. And then the skin flaps are folded over the exposed bone and stitched. And then the whole thing is soaked in vinegar, which must really sting. Right. Is that antibacterial, basically? I guess so. Right. They had surgeons had attendants that were called lobly boys. What? Lobly boys. Lobly. Lobly boys. Lobly. Lobly boys. Lobly. Why are they called that? Lobly boys. Which is the first person to try to say lovely and they got it wrong. Lobly boys. Lobly boys. Lobly boys. Some things underwater. Lobly boys. Lobly boys are named after lobly, which is a thick bubbling porridge or gruel. Traditionally fed to six sailors to help them recover. That sounds delicious. Oh, a lovely bottle of lobly. Right.

45:48Anyway. So Nelson, when he goes under the knife, the thing he notices how cold it is. So he then institutes a practice where they'd have to heat up the knife. Yes. On board. So he cuts his left arm off. He's now he's an in agony for like five months because they don't they leave a bit of stringing or one of the one of the threads. Wasn't he on the profit? Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, that's right. Was it the surgeon accidentally ties a major nerve into the silk ligature along with the artery? Is the nerves the way you're going to get the pain's all going to be? Yeah. So basically every time he like, ah, fuck, ah. So every movement of his stump sent shocks through his body until the thread eventually rotted. Christ. But within half an hour he's back on board giving orders. So to go and blood. You're fucking hero. Yeah. Um, uh, but he was obviously right handed. So it meant that every wanky head from then on was a stranger one. Oh, interesting. Very interesting. Wow. I wonder how good he'd gone in it before he died.

46:49Well, it's also think of poor Fanny. I mean, how's he meant to go, how's he meant to, you know, go around the back at all? Yes. You know, would you think it's wrong out? Well, I could give him this. Yeah. One at a time. Um, he can't one man band his wife. Sure, sure, sure. Anyway, he doesn't really care. Tis butter flesh wound. And so he's back on the dock orders. And very quickly, the injury becomes, you know, he's the one armed. He's the one armed captain. But, but Nelson Nelson has failed to board tenor reef. But as 1798 approaches, there was a new mission for the heroic one armed, one eyed bandit that is Nelson. Because this is when it's hard to get across just how scared Britain was at this point because the podiums on the rise, Britain is not, doesn't have control of the seas fully at this point. No. And also, uh, I'll position the Mediterranean is very spurious, basically.

47:49Yes. And so Napoleon is not yet the ruler of France, but he's a rising general. Yeah. And talk is getting back of this, this Wiz kid. Yeah. This smelly autistic Wiz kid with a stinky wife. Yeah. And into that mail stream. Yeah. Nelson will go looking for Napoleon's fleet. Yeah. In our next episode, the boys will go to Egypt. Yeah. And we will deal with the first Titanic clash between our two protagonists. I mean, yeah. Oh, yeah. This is history one or one. If this isn't history, you can fuck off. I don't know what it is. Yeah. That's already on the Patreon where for three pounds a month, you get into the next episode series. The first five parts of this epic Napoleonic Wars series are already there. But until then, goodbye. Goodbye. Bye.