922. Difficult Conversations in Relationships

Because I can imagine that there can be better and worse environments for giving honesty.

So what is like the tactical way that you guys support each other in that? Is it your

tone? Do you touch each other? Are you looking at each other like any other tips for people

to do that?

Yes, never doing you in a bad mood and when he's in a bad mood. So always make sure that

you're actually in a happy environment, never come at them like they've done something wrong.

So I will always almost like say about something about myself first and then turn it to him.

Love that.

So let's say that there's something that he's done personally that really bothered me and

I will say hey babe, when I did this thing the other day it seemed like I irritated you.

If you don't mind helping me speak talk through it because if I did irritate you I'd love

to do something differently. So now I put myself first. He tells me it makes him very

like, oh my gosh, he's so receptive. Well, babe, what about you? So now and it's like

trickery. You're literally being honest. You're like, you don't make stuff up. That's the

key. You never pretend. But you actually authentically take something because you genuinely want

to get better at it. That's the other thing. You can't fake. Yeah. Wanted to get better

at it just so that you can tell him what he's done wrong. So we've just made an agreement

in our relationship that will always say the hard thing in order to get to a better result.

So in that moment I put myself first because I actually want to get better. I actually

want to be a better wife, a better spouse, a better support system. And then it gives

you the space to flip the books and do the opposite. Now here's the tricky thing though.

You have to know if it's a dangerous conversation. And me and my husband both know sometimes

we'll go to talk about it. We think it's a great environment. Maybe we've had the cocktail.

Maybe we're on vacation. We're both happy. This is like a great time.

When it feels like a great moment because actually he's actually open to it. So you start

to talk about it and it feels really safe. You think you're doing a great job. He thinks

he's doing a great job. You're so aligned over time. You start to irritate you about it.

You start to use a bit of language. You start to rub. You start to feel the friction.

In that moment, either of you speak up to pause the conversation. What usually happens

is you both just keep going. Yeah. Keep going. You keep going and then it becomes an explosive

relationship. You're like, we started off both aligned. We did all the things. We were

both in a good mood. We were both in a wonderful environment. We weren't saying anything

negative. How did we get here? So the key is to make sure that you've got these pillars

all along that way as you discuss things that become the flags that you can say to each

other to maybe take a pause. So one of the things is we literally say, as we're talking,

my husband's actually better at it than I and that's another thing is who's better

at it. Have a person that is actually allocated that role. And so my husband's like, babe,

I think we're getting in dangerous territory. And those are the words he uses. Now, dangerous

territory doesn't mean it's me. He's not saying, hey, you're getting adjusted. Hey, you're

crazy. Yes. It just means I'm feeling the friction right now. And the past has told us this

friction doesn't lead anywhere well. So if we know this, maybe we need to take a pause.

And we can reconvene once we've both had time to think about what the other person is saying.

And so that's also the key. So we've come up with ways to talk about it. He's the party

that's responsible for doing it because he's just better at it than me. Like, I don't

be like, no, no, we're fine. Oh my god. I know. We can keep going. We're not dangerous.

Yeah. Who's dangerous? I'm not dangerous. Exactly. I don't know what you mean by triggered.

I'm not a dangerous person. So I just go, he is better at it than me. And what makes

us a great partnership is we know who's better at something than the other. So it's even like,

I take relationships like a game of tennis where a lot of couples will be playing a game of tennis,

but you're playing solos. You're on one side of the net and the person's on the other. And what

do you do? You hit the ball and you hope they miss it. At the end of the day, only one of you

can win. But if you decide that you're playing a game of tennis, it's a game of doubles.

Now what happens when one of you is weak, let's say I'm really bad at my backhand,

I have a partner that gets strong at the backhand because they know it's needed for us to win

together. So when we talk about these sorts of things, we go, are we a team of doubles or

we're playing a game of singles? We're playing a game of doubles. Great. Where's your strength?

Where's my strength? And do we pinky swear and agree before we get ourselves in that situation

that I am the right person for to do this thing? Yes. Great. So now when I bring it up, you can't

push back. Agreed. So we have all of these agreements before we get into these hard discussions

that then end up that can be tricky. So my husband is the responsible party. He says, hey,

we're getting into dangerous territory. So those are the things that we put in place. The final

thing that we do is sometimes you just need a disruptor. Yeah. So you know when you're like

arguing and then someone calls and you're like, I can't believe it. Hello. You know, you're like

answer the phone. Totally different. You're a dinner and they're like, yeah, do you want to

hit any beverages? You're like, yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You're screaming at each other. You're

annoyed with each other and the waiter comes over and you pretend nothing's wrong. If everyone can

agree that actually works and it can actually disrupt that moment. Yeah. Then just say, how do you

actually manipulate having disruptors in your relationship purposely to serve you?

So what we do is we use to and now we don't because we've just gotten good at this and now it's

become a habit of ours. But I bought these little chips. They were like these little rocks that I bought

from like a souvenir store and it's tiny. It's a little stone and it just says, love on it.

And so I bought two and I said, babe, you're going to take one and I'm going to take one.

The next time we find ourselves in an argument where it's just escalated, neither of us

realise it's escalated. Whoever thinks of it first, take out the love token and put it on the

table. And what we agree that love token means is whatever you're feeling right now, I need you

to know. I love you. And so we made a lot of that. That's so sweet. Of what that meant as a

disruptor and what's funny is about maybe a month ago because we've gotten so good we don't have

these chips. We haven't used in years. But we had an argument about a month ago that we couldn't

equalise. And so God bless my husband. I turned around and he got a little piece of paper and he

wrote love on it. And he just slid it across. He's like, I don't have the stone. But

sweet. And so now it reoriented me. He disrupted my emotion. It reminded me of who he was of what

his intentions are. And it just said, okay, we just need to pause. It doesn't solve the problem.

So why do we sweep the problem under the rug? We still actually talk about the problem. Yeah.

But we just it disrupts us enough to say, now maybe not be the time for us to continue this

discussion. Why didn't you go ahead and think through it? I'll think through it and then we'll

reconvene and find a way to get through it together. Oh, I love that tip so much. I think too because

when you're in that heightened nervous system state and you're triggered and then you know when

you're in a dynamic with a partner and there's a moment where sometimes you're like, I kind of want

this to be done or I want it to be over and you kind of want to shift to forgiveness. But you

don't want to like let go of that feeling of like you're like you're right. So like even that

just kind of breaks it. We're like we can start to move into conflict resolution. Like we can kind

of mosey our way out of this and it just gives like such a softness to to things. I think that's

so genius. And then the other thing is we have agreed to never say sorry if we don't mean it.

That's a good one. And so even in that we both in the middle of an argument girl will be like

babe, I love you. I so want to say sorry right now because I know that it will actually make you

feel better. But I don't think I've done anything wrong. And so we'll even say that. It's like I

really want to say it right now because I feel you're pain. Like I feel that I really want to say

and typically it's more the other way around my husband. I'm just like I just want you to apologize

and he's just like I hear you babe, but I don't agree in that. So in that moment, I'm like okay

explain to me why. So of course we always are in. I didn't want to upset you. That's important.

Yeah. Like that wasn't my intention. But what I said, I still stand by. Now what happens when

you say you're sorry, the other person tapped us out to me, you didn't mean it. Now what if you

actually did? Totally. So we've given each other permission to not say sorry. And so all of these

rules that we've accumulated are over the 23 years that we've been together. They have been

things that we've agreed upon based on the struggles that we have. And we go, we've got a choice.

Do we want to die? Happily married. Happily is the key. If the answer is yes, we both have

aligned goals. If you have aligned goals, you have to agree, we think in business terms, you have

to agree on the strategy of how you get to the goal. So even if it's hard, just like a

business. If you know it needs to be done in order for your business to succeed, suck it up

and do it. Yes. And so that's how we approach things. It's like it isn't easy. These discussions,

like there will be some time to where we have an issue that we have to talk through for three days.

Of course. Yeah. And you know how easy it would have been to be like if he just said sorry,

I would have forgiven him, we would have moved on. Or if I had just like, if I hadn't pushed back,

if I just said, you know what, babe, you're right. But I don't think he's right. Yes.

So and there's no like ego around it again, going back to once you agree in the goal, the

ego doesn't matter. Yeah. And you have to remind yourself of that. And so it all stems from

agreeing on the goal, coming up with a strategy to do it and then creating rules around that that

allow you guys to navigate things when times get hot. Wow. I love that too, because it's giving

yourself the opportunity when you're not fighting to have the strategies to use when you are

fighting. So it's like, hey, we're calm. These are what we're going to implement if we have a

heightened nervous system state or if we're feeling triggered by things. I think a lot of times in

relationships, people just assume that it's going to work. You know, they have like the first

years of relationship where it's like the honeymoon stages and everything's fine. And then they're

not even implementing enough of the strategies in place to like last through the conflict of the

relationship. But you guys have such an interesting thing because it's like you guys are both so sovereign

in like who you are as people. You know, it's you have to be very sovereign in who you are to be

like, you know what? No, I actually don't agree. Like I need to know more. And I'm going to continue

to kind of rub up against you as a sovereign being. So how do you guys maintain being so

intimately connected and being close, but still maintaining your own sense of self and not sort of like

yeah, just not losing yourself in relationship where you can be your own people and then cultivate

a relationship from that point. Yeah. The most important thing in my life is my relationship

except for myself. I am the most important person and I didn't learn that lesson until

lay in life. And the thing is I need my husband also to have the same feeling because he

I appreciate and respect who he is as a man individually. He appreciates and respects who I

am as a woman individually. And if you're trying to erode who that person is to suit you,

that isn't a healthy relationship. And so even let's take for instance, my husband is incredibly

ambitious. And so people often will say to me, you're so lucky. You guys are so lucky. And I'm like,

it isn't luck. Other people who may prioritize or appreciate other things wouldn't work with

someone like my husband because he works 100 hours a week. So now I imagine for Monday to Friday,

I barely see him. Other people may feel neglected. I know the man that I married. I was attracted

to an ambitious man. I was turned on by an ambitious man. So what? I'm going to change that now that I've

got a ring on my finger. No, it's the thing that he prides himself on. It's the thing that I want

him to bring to the relationship. So I'm very conscious to make sure I never ask him to be somebody

he's not. And the same for me as I've built my confidence. If I've built my, as I've built my

bad husband, as I've built my independence as a strong woman, he appreciates that. And so he's like,

I will never ask you to be less than. Thank you so much for tuning in to Morning Microdose by

Almost 30. We hope you enjoyed waking up. As always, we encourage you to take what resonates and

lead the rest. If you enjoyed this trip, tune into the full episode on the Almost 30 podcast.

All episode information can be found in the show notes. Make sure to subscribe and if this

becomes a part of your morning routine, be sure to share it with a friend. We have new inspiring doses

Monday through Friday. Follow us on Instagram at Morning Microdose and follow Almost 30 at Almost 30

podcast. Thanks for listening. We'll see you in the vortex.