80: Burnout Bounceback Part 2 | The slow climb out

0:00G'day guys and welcome to Holly the OT podcast. My name is Holly and I'm an occupational therapist looking to create a judgement free zone for all OT students, new grads and early year therapists. Join me as I give my honest opinions on the highs and the lows and the ends in the arts of being an OT. Before I start today's episode, I'd like to acknowledge the Larachea people who are the traditional custodians of the land this episode was recorded. G'day guys, welcome back to another ep of Holly the OT. Thanks for tuning in. Today's ep is part two of my burnout bounce back series. I just want to absolutely say anyone who messaged it after last episode. Thank you so much. I find it hard to do episodes like that where I guess you're sharing a bit of vulnerability, you're sharing a bit of the non-glamour side of what you typically post and to know that actually was quite sad like so many people experiencing the same things but knowing that it had been helpful for some people or sort of

1:03put a voice to some people's thoughts like that made me feel really great which was so lovely. So I always am just so appreciative when anyone messages me and reaches out like knowing the people go out of their way to do that is just so lovely. So thank you, thank you, thank you. But today's ep is like the second part of that. So last episode was everything I sort of noticed in the build up to my burnout and few things I thought contributed to it and then this is like the the slow getting out of it and things I tried that didn't work, things I definitely no worked and yeah just a few little things I noticed along the way as well. But before we get into that the most important update I have ever given you that between the last episode I became a wife, new occupation unlocked wife and let me tell you I love it, I love being a wife. I got married literally a month ago already which is crazy but it was just the most special

2:06special time of my life. I'm not even going to say special day because in true me fashion it was a whole thing. It was basically a whole week. We got married in foster in New South Wales. So if you're not familiar with New South Wales, foster is about, I think it's like almost two hours north of Newcastle which is where Canaan I met and it's honestly where we will probably end up one day. We're in Darwin at the moment but yeah it's probably where we will call home long term which is not something I talk about often because what is home long term who knows when I'll ever stop moving around but yes so that is where we got married it was at a beautiful little town called Tioina. It was at Caravan Park which sounds a way less glamorous than what it was because let me tell you this is the fanciest Caravan Park ever but our ceremony our reception was all on site or pretty much all of our friends and family stayed on site. We had people that had traveled from every single state except for Tasmania sorry Tazzi. We tried really hard to make a Tazzi friend but we didn't quite get there on time but yes because of many people had to travel to be

3:09there having somewhere around good today was just so important. But then it literally just meant we had a whole week of all of our favourite people obviously we had the wedding day which was just so special but like the before the wedding and the after the wedding it was just like exhausting don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have died afterwards but having so much quality time with people who we do not get to see because we travel so much is just I don't think that it will ever be topped like generally the happiest moment of my life so that was so exciting and then obviously I've come back to work and then things have been going so great but this was sort of the time where I knew I really needed to put in the work to make sure I didn't get back to where I was so I actually think it's really good timing that I'm and recording this episode now because you know the come down from a wedding you've got the happiest time of your life and then you're just like back into the day today and I knew that that was going to be make or break in terms of I could absolutely overload myself to sort of feel the void of no longer being planning for a wedding or I could be really

4:14intentional really slow and really like ease myself back into things which I think I've done fabulously. But before we get into the air I also just want to quickly say and any of my fellow Darwin NT OTs listening will know that we have some pretty epic epics on the right word but like epically crazy weather at the moment up here in the NT there is crazy flooding there is just the rain has just been nonstop Catherine which is one of the communities I visit has been cut off for almost a week now the river is just yeah it comes down and then as of this morning it's gone back up and you know Bachelor in Adelaide River my other communities they are also now experiencing flooding as well so yeah it's just a really um testing time for NT at the moment and a lot of people who have lost a lot um you know of their personal belongings and their businesses and yeah it's just really really heartbreaking obviously you know support is there for them when it's available but it doesn't you know hide the fact that that's really a devastating thing to go through so

5:19anyone who is impacted by the floods I'm thinking of you uh it also has just shown how like disconnected the NT is from the rest of Australia I put up a thing on my close friend story on Instagram like this has been happening for almost a week now um but I put a photo of my close friends of like the supermarkets like we have no food here at the moment because the trucks can't get through and the trains can't get through so always and calls there is no meat no fruit no veg um which is like it is one of these you just sort of make do uh and what I remember when I lived out in a lighting region out back in South Wales this would happen you know semi regularly as well the um car story highway would get cut off and yeah you'd go a couple days of that food but this has been it's pretty significant for a capital city to not have food anyway I put something up on my close friend's story and all my friends were like oh my god like what is happening like what is going on I was like what do you mean that you know people on the east coast aren't being shown this on the news and don't know what is happening then I realized I don't really what's the news anyway so it's probably not um it's not completely not being shown but yeah it was just so funny

6:22I feel like if something like that was happening in Sydney or Melbourne which obviously that would it would never happen logistically but it would just be the absolute end of the world so it's always so funny we're just so you know our little world up here in the nt and you know we've all got each other but the rest of Australia probably doesn't realize how how crazy it is but anyway that's a um diversion I am thinking of anyone who's been affected any businesses any families anything and yeah we will be down there hoping with the cleanup as soon as the highway is open but enough about that let's get into the episode now what I will start by second is and I said this in the last episode is when you're talking about something like burning out like mental health anything relating to emotions or how we we respond to emotions is very individual it's very personal if you are listening to anything I suggest that you know it's not going to work for you you know it's not your experience like just remember

7:23that's that's your experience and I don't mean that in like our don't listen to what I'm saying but just be mindful that you know you might listen to something that I said worked for me and then you go and try that and you're like oh I didn't work for me you know you get that frustration um and that's that's not what I want I just want to share my story if something helps you please absolutely go for it but just be kind to yourself I think if you are in the thick of things at the moment it's very easy to have these spurts of energy and go and listen to any self-help thing you can find or any other story like and then try to latch onto anything you can and then you end up you know exerting energy doing things that might not be helpful for you I it's like that vicious cycle so please take what I say with a grain of salt you know use use your judgment use what's going to work for you I'm so happy to be a sounding what I'm so happy to offer ideas but I I just want to share what's work for me I don't want you to feel any pressure to do thing which also makes me sound like I'm about to give you the most groundbreaking advice ever I'm not either as I was

8:25saying that I was like holy you're not offering anything spectacular don't get don't give the people false hope um but anyway what I do want to start with is just and I was talking to myself about this the other day but I find reflecting on things in retrospect quite tricky um so there's probably not going to be any order to this because things will sort of come to me as I go I've made a few notes but nothing crazy I never like to to podcast off notes I feel like it's just too inauthentic you know um I've also just kicked my absolute big top on my window if you heard that so sorry but even when I was reflecting on this episode I was trying to remember you know like what was my breakthrough moment what was that that one thing I did that got me out of the route and I had to remind myself like there wasn't anything recovering from burnout it's not this dramatic big moment it's those really small steps that you give yourself in those little moments that all build up to anything just like working with kids with regulation you're not going to offer one strategy on one Tuesday afternoon and they spend five minutes in a body sock and hallelujah everything's fixed

9:28like it's not it's not about that at all I think the biggest thing is you just have to be kind to yourself know it's a roller coaster especially if you're you know you're listening to this now and maybe you're on the tail end maybe you're in the thick of it and you're ready to sort of come out on the other side I just want to make it so clear like I would have good days and I'd be so on top of things and then I would forced right back into the same old habits and not be good like it's it was such a cycle so just keep that in mind as well that it will go up and it will go down I think the first thing I had to do to myself was sort of realize what was missing and again this wasn't like a big aha moment but I knew something was wrong I'd spoken with my partner I'd spoken with my mom and spoken with my supervisor I knew things were missing but it wasn't up to them to tell me like hey you need to go and do this it almost was like if people were telling me to do that as well that just ect me out I wasn't going to do things that was suggested to me but it was you know getting getting clear with where I was spending my energy and where I should have been spending my energy

10:32for me I knew it was that I literally was just in my office at my computer or I was on a screen and there was no break for myself there was no time off I was just always thinking even when I told myself oh step away from your computer like I'd pick up my phone and I'd be scrolling on social media and I think what I hadn't realized is because my job is I'm an OT I run a business but my podcast in my social media is also income for me as well and I'm trying to grow to businesses that rely purely on social media the book and my clothing label like social media which used to be a break for me which is weird but you know it used to be all right rest of them going to go have a little scroll became work for me it became it became business I was always on even when I thought I was off even when I thought I was resting even when I thought I was rewarding myself with with quiet time my brain was always on and when I sort of had that realization I think that I was able to sort of put things in place to to get off my phone a lot of what burnt out for

11:34me was was guilt and guilt of spending my time doing things that I thought I shouldn't be doing so you know if I was having self-care time in inverted commas if you could see me I would feel guilty that I wasn't working so I'd be scrolling on my phone and see a really good trend come up or I'd watch a a founder share a really great video that had gone viral sharing their story and I'd feel guilty that I wasn't doing that so then I'd open up my notes up and I'd write down you know try this idea do this later so even when I was trying to switch off I was still reminding myself of things that I should have been doing and I wasn't doing and guilt is such a weird thing because like who's guilty who am I who am I who do I owe this to this is all self-driven it's all from my internal thoughts of what I should have been doing my biggest thing as well was I would be at my computer for 12 hours a day and I can't remember if I said this in the last episode I think I did but I would be at my computer for 12 hours a day I reckon only 50% of that time was was valuable work when you had so much work to do actually stepping away from your computer is really hard

12:40and I was almost on edge just like waiting for things to pop up but have my to do this and I knew what I needed to be doing but I knew at any point an email would come through a message would come through a phone call from a parent maybe one of my my employees clients are in crisis and I'd want to help them like I was just always on edge waiting waiting waiting so even if I didn't have the energy to be doing work as in like actually actively doing something it was almost just like my brain was just flicking not even my brain physically me I was just flicking through okay open up the eclip to email open up the podcast email go through that cycle check the messages check your phone is anything come through and just that constant overdrive of waiting that file flat like knowing anything could come through at any moment and that was just on repeat every single day even on the weekends I would be checking my emails knowing that something could pop through being on edge waiting for it so I think the moment I realized that like you know my nervous system was shock and my nervous system just did not have a second to breathe because I was just constantly

13:45on edge and nothing bad was happening to I look back now and I think nothing bad happened and now I go four or five hours without checking my emails and nothing comes through and even if it does come through it's it's all very manageable nothing was ever unmanageable it was just that being on edge and waiting and knowing that anything could could be added to that list and I have always had this desire of like I need to know even if I can't get that thing done right now I need to know that it's needed of me I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else experiences that but that's why I would constantly check my emails in between sessions event like I know if there's three emails in there that needs something from me I know I do not have the capacity to do anything about that right now but I needed to know what what needed to be done with me so then I'd be you know five minutes between sessions walking between clients to pick them up and I'd be like on edge oh god now I've got to do this when I get home and then your head's half not in it and it's just again it's a vicious vicious cycle so that was the main thing for me is realizing that I was on edge and if we think of that from that nervous system perspective it wasn't

14:49for me so much the overload I don't think on reflection I'm such a wiser reflector these days but it was just that I had forgotten how to come back down I was just in that constant far off light that you know nervous system overdrive I just could not come down and I had convinced myself that this heightened state was my calm and was my relax and then I think I started doing a lot of research into like cortisol and high cortisol and hormones and you know the impact of high cortisol on female to the HD and trying to really understep and which was helpful for me but then it also became another thing that I was just sort of stuck in a cycle with a instead of doing something about it I just wanted to learn more about it and almost justify what was happening for me rather than putting in those those steps and those changes to to get on top of things so I then also got real with myself again over time but sort of backwards chain from like okay where do I want to be and what is my ideal like I've I've been in such really good workflows and I've been

15:51really regulated and running my business like I know what it looks like and I know it can be done so I sort of I made the mistake of I did a bit of a map of like what I want my ideal day to look like and how I want to feel at the end of the day and I just then convinced myself what was like this switch and I was like okay you absolutely have to go and do everything on this list so I think it was you know in my ideal I'd be going to bed at 830 I would wake up at 5 I would go and do some exercise I'd come back and cook myself breakfast then I'd work for a little bit then I'd go out and go for a walk and then I'd come back and they kept coming back to this really like pitch a perfect Instagram beautiful look after yourself this is the beautiful work day that you you want and might I say I'm at that point now like I have absolutely got that point but if you go from no self-care no regulation no time away from work to then waking up the next step and putting all this pressure on yourself to okay you can do it you can go to the gym you can go for a run you can go and socialise you can do all of these things in one day obviously that's not possible

16:55and it's not practical so what I would find is I'd have these bursts of like realisation of what I needed to do to look after myself and I'd put all my energy into doing that and none of it was sustainable so I might do it for two or three days and I'd get to Thursday absolutely crash because it's so unrealistic to go from nothing to everything and then you know Thursday'd come around I'd crash and then that cycle started again then it'd go three or four weeks where I wouldn't do anything again that was looking after myself because I told myself no remember you tried that last time and it did the opposite effects and it made you exhausted made you irritable and it didn't work so that's my biggest thing is is once I was a bit kinder to myself and did things really slowly and gently and intentionally rather than expecting myself who had just been in this period of complete overdrive expecting myself to be on top of everything perfectly that's so unrealistic and I come back to the exercise as well like exercise has been the archer huge part of my life

17:55my whole life and I mentioned that in the last episode as well that for me growing up it was you know team sports and it was the social aspect and I didn't realise how that actually regulated me and how that was helping my nervous system um but then you know as I became an adult I still kept playing sports gym was so important for me running was so important for me and without sounding like like a loser but for the gym like I have consistently worked out for a very long time so I I am strong like I can squat heavy weights I can bench press heavy weights like I can do heavy weights so when I finally got the energy to go back to the gym I think it had been like four months without a workout and also not nourishing my body not eating well so obviously I know now holy of course you're not going to be lifting the same weights but I remember going to the gym and just did my normal workout and I started with my normal warm up weights and it was my favourite leg workout with my favourite exercises I thought I was so kind of myself I thought go on do your favourite exercises and then immediately I could not do the weights that I used to be able to do but in that

19:00moment couldn't sympathize with myself and like from a science perspective like I know I wasn't able to do it but I just felt so mad at myself and so I guess like disappointed that I'd let myself get to a point where I wasn't fit anymore I wasn't healthy and I think I lasted like 15 minutes at that gym session I did my warm up tried to do my first weights and I just I was like not and I remember came was a way at work at the time and I had told him I was going to the gym because it was a big deal and then he called me like an hour later he was like oh my god like proud of you how was it like you know you go girl like he's so supportive bless him and I just I like cried I was like I couldn't do it I left after 15 minutes I felt annoyed at myself I felt it wasn't the positive effect it was meant to have on me and God bless came the sweetest angel in the world I can't remember exactly what he said but it was a longer lines of like remember last time I didn't go to the gym for three months and I got really annoyed at myself you told me you need to go slow like muscle memory it will come back but of course you're gonna be able to leave like blah blah blah blah all the things that I knew but when you're reasoning is so impacted

20:05like you can't see clearly he said try again tomorrow go and do light away it's a try again tomorrow I thought gosh that's sweet man with these absolutely realistic expectations and me with absolutely unrealistic expectations for myself and I just had to be more realistic so I think I don't think I went back the next day I went back the day after and I purely just went and did like bodyweight workout and I felt so good and then the next day typically I would then have gone for a run like I like to break my weeks up strength training running like all the jars and I work up and I thought no like just go for a 10 minute walk just walk to the end of your street and walk back and that's all I did could I have walked further yeah absolutely but it was not what I was trying to do I just was trying to remake the habits the distance would come after that the effort would come after that but it was about making the habits that didn't exhaust me completely so I could get back into those things so that was really important it's just that really slow gradual back into exercise

21:08like I don't care if you've run a half marathon before if you haven't done any exercise for four months go for a one game go for a war like we know even like saying it out loud now like I know that I wasn't able to do that but I just needed to be kinder and go slower I then needed to find ways that was going to I guess get get a bit more routine back into my days again I mentioned in the last episode but it got to the point where my alarm had be said at 5 30 it would be the most obnoxious sound in the world and it would startle me up I'd go down make a coffee and I'd just go straight to the computer and then I'd be at the computer all day like if I didn't have clients beat the computer all day until 8 o'clock at night and then I'd order a bit to dinner like it was just just not healthy in any way shape or for and then obviously days where I did have clients I would be out all day it was just like it was so unrealistic so I knew I needed to get back to the point of like proper work hours and proper work work day than schedules and this is something that

22:13my business coach me I helped me out with a lot as well again nothing like ground breaking and me if you listen to this like you are groundbreaking but none of that in this in this game of things is groundbreaking advice like make a schedule and stick to it but it was just that I needed to get more intentional with my time and actually allocate time to myself because anyone else who's a business owner knows there is always something to do there will always be something in your business to do whether that's clinical work business work supporting your stuff whatever and then adding to that I had my passion projects of trying to launch the book and building a clothing brand and all these things that I knew if I was regulated and organized it wasn't impossible to manage the more but when you're constantly darting between them and not giving anything any intentional time like things grow slowly things grow with a lot of effort like nothing felt easy so getting a schedule to me was the most important and just allocating time for self care allocating time for rest allocating

23:15time for connection was so helpful but let me tell you the one thing that absolutely changed my life and this is so ridiculous but I bought a Sunrise alarm clock so I'll get into most scheduling but I bought a Sunrise alarm clock and let me tell you this changed my life first of all I've got rid of the obnoxious iPhone sound and that's a whole other thing you know I didn't need to have my phone near me so my phone would go up on my um like dresser away from my bed so when I was getting into bed I didn't have my phone right there that's that took a while but whatever but I was relying less on my phone it also meant that my phone was not the first thing I touched my woke up so it's so often my alarm would go off I'd probably snooze it a couple times I'd finally get it I'd pick up my phone and I would either open my emails immediately to see what has happened overnight what I've missed chances are there was nothing but that was the first thing my brain told me to do or I would just open to talk and start scrolling so then the first thing my brain was doing was

24:17looking at my phone and we see so much about this like don't look at your phone like reduce screen time but like when you're stuck in that cycle it's almost impossible anyway so I bought a Sunrise alarm so I have this beautiful birds chirping sound that would wake me up but the Sun rising so I don't I'm trying to remember where is dark where is not dark Perth is always so light and I loved that when I lived in Perth the Sun would wake me up at like 5 30 every day and that just felt so natural low cortisol in the morning like I wasn't being triggered by an alarm set like the Sun woke me up raising Darwin at the moment the Sun is rising into like 645 and like I've always been a warning person but no one it's dark it's really hard to do stuff when it's dark so the Sunrise alarm clock it like so if my alarm is going to go off at 6 the Sun would start rising at 5 30 so then so often I was awake before my alarm is going off but not in like a oh my god I should have slept more but in like a wow look at this sleeping beauty his softly open to rise and his feeling

25:21good and it was just so nice and it's so ridiculous it's such a trivial item it's being such a difference but the Sunrise alarm clock is oh my best kept secret so if you're anywhere where you're waking up and it's dark get a Sunrise alarm clock because that is life changing but so that just slowed my mornings down so I was getting off my phone I made a really hard and fast rule no phone for the first part of the morning so I'd go down whether I was exercising that morning even if I was just stretching or even if I was just going for a walk I wasn't looking at my phone until I got home the other side as well told I'm gonna jump around good sorry but if I was going for a walk I sleeped my phone at home I couldn't be trusted I could not be trusted I would go on my walk my brain had think of something and I didn't immediately need to action or I didn't immediately need to send myself an email or whatever I could not be trusted to be with the phone so I was disconnecting going for walks without my phone really slow felt really hard at the start

26:21and that's the other thing I'll say a lot of this stuff is going to feel hard but you've got to push through as long as what you're asking yourself to do is realistic anyway back to the Sunrise alarm clock and schedule so once I was waking up slower you know I'd have my morning I'd eat breakfast cook myself beautiful meals and that made such a difference all these things that we know make a difference but until you're without them and you don't them a priority like they they really really do make a difference and slowly I was starting to fuel my body a little bit better and my day wasn't perfect yet my schedule I still hadn't figured that out I was still sort of you know staying at the computer a little bit longer in the afternoon but one step at a time like I said this is one brick by brick everything will slowly fall into place so I focused on that morning routine first and everything came after that I then wanted to start focusing like on my afternoon and trying to get away from the computer if I'm so honest with you the the best thing I did for

27:22that was I started playing a sport again so I joined football did I mention this in the last step god I should have read the transcript sorry guys if I'm doubling down but I I joined a sport AFL up here in the anti is huge and I have always loved teen sports so it was a really great way to a bring a bit of social connection back into my life because I had been isolating myself because I didn't have a lot of friends up here I had been making some friends but when you're in that initial phase of friendship like you're not telling them hey let's go get a coffee I'm going to absolutely unload everything that is happening for me like it was all very superficial friendships as they are at the start like that's so normal when you're building friendship but you know footy gave me social connection but it also gave me a reason to get away from my computer so if I had footy training at six I'd have to leave at 5.30 I had to be finished at my computer at five so I could get changed and have something to eat like it gave me a reason to switch off

28:23so then I'd done that a couple of times and then realized hey I should be doing this every afternoon and again I'll add to that is like business owners know even if you switch off at five there will be periods where there will be things to do outside of those hours especially again considering for me there's multiple businesses so I knew I knew it wasn't oh I'm never going to work plus five o'clock again but it was giving myself the opportunity of having an afternoon routine having some big impression time and allowing myself to work again if I had the capacity but not forcing it upon myself because you know I found if I had an afternoon routine I'd gone and exercised I'd had a nice dinner I would have the energy to give a really good solid hour into one of my side businesses whereas if I still at my computer it'd be half-assed it wouldn't be purposeful it'd be a waste and then I'd think well why did I bother and it was just again vicious vicious cycle so that's a really big piece of advice like if you can have something scheduled in particularly if you work from home I think I missed the aspect of a clinic like you would drive

29:28home and that would be your circuit breaker that would be what would get you out of that work routine most of the time but when you work from home even though I have an office like there was really no circuit breaker for me that meant get off your computer go downstairs rejoin the world and I also found a really big shift you know when my partner can oh should I say my husband my husband came like when he was home from work um versus when he was away he works five or so there'd be two weeks at a time where I would just be cooped up working when he's home it's a little bit different because he will cook dinner he will say come downstairs like that made it easier but yeah I you need to have circuit breakers so maybe that's booking in a walk with a friend maybe that's booking in a phone call maybe that's um booking in a polarities class like something that is scheduled in your afternoon that you sort of don't have a choice for obviously there's always choice in everything but for me if I had my gym class booked in the admin of having to like cancel my gym class or message my friend to say not coming was just like not worth the effort so then I

30:30will just and then eventually that led to oh this was a part of my routine now I really can do this I really can in throughout my work day go and do something for myself and the art and feel okay about it which is so great I also am going to back pedal a little bit to just unlike the food side of things and fueling your body and you know eating well and food is power brain is power what's that what's the phrase I'm looking for food is fuel that's what I'm looking for food is fuel absolutely we know this we know this and I as I've sort of alluded to like my my diet was not great I think when you're you know I never typically ate breakfast in the morning anyway and then I started a medication that suppressed my appetite significantly so then it would get to the end of the day and I hadn't really eaten at all and then I would be starving or ravenous so then it would be 730 I wouldn't want to go to the shop so then I would just order Uber Eats and that was the cycle I was in for a very long time God bless like I said when my husband was home he he would

31:34make sure I was fed and it sounds I remember feeling like a lot of a like shame about that like oh my God I can't even go down at lunchtime and prepare myself some food like my my husband has to actually make food for me to eat but again be kind to yourself like I was I was in a very bad cycle anyway so I would like to say I'm at a point now where we are eating very very well I and I've always eaten well it was just again before you know it those habits are are gone essentially but I think in in the theme of baby steps and being kind to yourself and slowly working through things but obviously the goal is to eventually eat balanced food all the time and have a really balanced diet and you know I'm all for treating yourself I'm all for Uber Eats but the majority of you diet has to be balanced and I remember the week where I was like not that's it I made it healthy I'm done and I went to the shops and I bought all these ingredients I had these mirrors in my mind and you know I was going to have salads and I was going to have salmon for dinner every night and eggs every morning you know just eggs nothing else because protein

32:38protein protein and I got to Tuesday and I was like this suck I'm not happy eating food like this and then I continued to have Uber Eats for the rest of that week and then I threw out all this food that I had bought so it was a waste of money it was a waste of food and it was a waste of my energy because I wasn't realistic so then I really focused on my breakfast I thought whatever like lunch dinner snacks that's okay that I can deal with that focus one thing at a time focus on breakfast and I was sharing at the start of this year my my beautiful breakfast plates which were I sort of started probably around like October last year and God what a difference it may and I still have them probably like three days a week again not every day because not every day is realistic but when I really prioritized my first meal of the day was going to be a good meal a good nutritious balanced meal I then didn't feel pressure or guilt on myself for every meal after that to be good as well obviously if it was great but I knew I'd had a balanced morning I knew I'd have enough protein

33:38I knew I had eaten well to start the day and that was enough to start with naturally that then started you know going to making nice dinners and then having leftover cilantro which is what I'm doing now and it's it's good it makes a difference and I noticed my energy I noticed you know you know who does fuel as as we say um but I was realistic as well not at the start not straight away I thought I could change everything straight away but yes that that was something that I wanted to throw in there is focus on one thing first focus on one meal and then the rest will come after that and I think as well what where I think people get stuck is like eating a balanced diet exercising and you know looking after yourself when we look at that on paper like that is what we would consider like a well functioning adult in adverse commas but you know that we don't give ourselves enough credit for actually balancing that and nailing that it's actually really hard like there's a lot that goes into that so then when you think okay I'm in this rut I'm not doing any of these things

34:40it's really easy to just go on have a good diet and exercise and look after myself so I can just do you can't you can't go from nothing to everything and I feel like I've said about eight times this is a chaotic episode when are they I know you guys love it um but just be really kind because what we ask of ourselves is a lot um my next sort of thing I focused on I'm going to focus on two more areas but my next one was connection connection for me is so important and I mentioned in the last episode but I just would get to the end of the day and I just had no capacity for connection for phone calls reaching out to people like that that felt really draining for me and especially when it got to the point of where I was like struggling like I knew my friends and my family would ask like hey holy hey going and I just I either didn't want to lie to them but then didn't the capacity to tell them how I was a really going and I had I wanted to give this false sense of oh my god look at me I'm doing all these things I've got all these businesses and I'm planning a wedding and I'm so great and I'm going on holidays and like it was very much like

35:43false facade of first false facade I feel like a facade is false that's a double negative anyway a facade of I've got it all together and I didn't want to actually admit that I didn't have it together and I knew by talking to people I would have to admit I didn't have it together I don't know if that's anyone else's experience that but I think that definitely got to the point of of why I had disconnected myself from my family and my friends and I've actually spoken with everyone in my full circle my close family and and my friends of like how you just so you know the last six months I was struggling I'm doing so okay now I've let myself open up which I'm not an open-upy person unless of course it's tool podcast where I'm not actually looking at anyone but you know I let them all know how sort of what was happening but in the lead up to the I had to sort of get real with myself of what what could I do how could I connect with people and social media for me has always been as someone who's moved around has always been the

36:43perfect way to connect because you know you would post an update of what you're doing and it would reach all your friends and family in the one go so I sort of let back into that a little bit and my close friends Instagram story sort of became like my journal update of telling everyone what I'd been up to and that was so nice because I was sharing stories and letting people know what was happening you know the lead up to the wedding you know you'd get that back and forth conversation with your friends and family it just felt so that's and it reminded me how important connection was and you know naturally from then then I would start calling my friends again and I got saying is I know I feel a lot of guilt as well because I know I had a lot of friends going through stuff last year and I wasn't a good friend you know when you surround yourself with people who understanding and know you you know everyone has spoken to since then has been like holy we can all see how busy you are we can all see everything you're doing and everything you're building like we understand you haven't always got time to pick up the phone and then you know that came with a lot of guilt was you know I don't want to ever be so busy that ability to connect with people who I

37:49love and people who mean a lot to me and that was almost like a wake up call okay I don't want my friends to be excusing my shitty behavior and my shitty friendship skills because they can see that I'm busy like that's not what business is to me that's not what that's not what growth is to me and that will never be important to me think it took that those hard combos and it took that looking myself in the mirror to realize like holy in ten years time if you keep going this way you keep you know not prioritizing connection like there's going to be no one left and I know there'll be some of my friends listen to this and they will just say holy that's so ridiculous but he got to that point where I was really frustrated with myself that I had let myself disconnect from people who were so special to me so yeah that's it that was a side tangent of me basically saying that it's close friends social media is what got me back into connection which is so nice got I got some cracking stories in there as well too but you know then naturally that led to voice

38:50notes and back and forth combos and you know all my friends are so busy so we're also forgiving if you know you start a combo and then you don't get a reply for a couple of days but it just meant so much to me to have that connection back and you know I started pairing that with if I was going to clean the house I'd put my headphones in and I'd give someone a call or if I was going for a walk I'd have a call not all the time like I think you know sometimes you need peace with yourself and you need to not be always doing something which is another side quest I'm going to go down but yeah connection was so important for me and I'm just so grateful for such patient and understanding friends and family and I get emotional when I talk about it too because I genuinely have the best friends and family in the world and they are what got me out of my rut which leads me to my final point and I this might be a two part because I'm sure I've forgotten things but I had to get okay with doing and I remember I was talking to my side and she was like what do you do to relax

39:50and I said oh I can't relax like I'm a different like so I my relaxing is if I'm at the shops or if I'm going for a run or whatever and I remember I love him and be like look at least yourself away that's so great but like everyone needs to relax and I just had this constant pressure on myself to do do do you must always be doing something in you know you can't sit still and yes that's true to an extent like I'm a very hyper active person I have a lot of energy but I think that was because I didn't give myself a chance to relax and I remember one time I set myself a challenge and I kept we live in a two story house I put both my phones upstairs left the laptop upstairs and I said Holly you just need to go and sit down on a lounge for 20 minutes and do nothing and I was I love a challenge so me challenging myself that was probably what kept me going but I had to sit there and do nothing and I don't remember it being particularly pleasant but I

40:52don't remember it being impossible either obviously I had a lot of thoughts my brain would race in but yeah I was able to do it and then I realized it's not completely impossible so that was so fun but yeah kept trying to find little moments of doing that like I said you know going for a walk without my phone that was a big one as well but slowly just giving myself pockets of doing nothing to pause to reset to notice my energy levels and notice that I could do nothing I could relax and then I got into reading which I have always told everyone I am not a reader I cannot read an audiobook person and I'll listen to what I'm driving but I've recently started actually physically reading books and I realized it wasn't like that I couldn't read I was just reading the wrong books and you know it's been so fun this is a side a side point but so fun actually like exploring book genres and you know not every book has to be a self-help book I think that was my

41:57issue is if I was rewarding myself with reading time there had to be benefit to it because I was telling myself you know you're not worthy of just reading some fairy smart and getting on with your day like it needs to be purposeful it needs to be intentional every moment to be in being better and blah blah blah blah blah blah so naturally I'd pick up a self-help book I'd read one chapter and I it'd either trigger me into realizing what I should be doing or to make me realize that I need to be doing other things and it was just a realization that I didn't want so allowing myself and rewarding myself with nothing to start with made me realize that I needed nothing I don't know if that makes sense I hope it does it makes sense in my head but a lot of things make sense in my head but yes that that was something really purposeful it was resting actually prioritizing rest and you know swimming for leisure not just swimming for fitness or swimming for unhotting to cool down like actually going out sit in the pool reading a book having some food having a dream like actually relaxing has been so so beautiful and so so nice think over all though

43:04the biggest thing I've learned and as I've said in this is being kind of taking things slow looking back now like very rose colored glasses like what I what I'm doing now and what I know now is very easy yes said then done and I know in those moments it's it's such little things that make such a big difference and your capacity to do all those little things is so impacted and I remember like I've always shared about there on this podcast and you know there's been periods where I've been overwhelmed and maybe I've shared content that says just go for a walk and and go and do this and and reflect and blah blah blah and knowing how how I would feel when I saw that stuff as someone who was in the middle of burnout like it's so much more complicated to that and there's so many more levels to that so yes the simple things are what is important and yes prioritizing rest prioritizing exercise prioritizing eating good is the vibe like that's what we need but there are so many reasons

44:04while you cannot do that in the moment and I don't want anyone who was in that feeling guilty feeling like they're failing feeling like they're not able to do simple things because it is so debilitating and you cannot see a way out like you cannot see how it can just be such a simple thing but yeah that's what helped me I hope it's helpful for you guys I'd love to hear sort of what little things have helped you guys maybe I'll do a bit of a a dump on Instagram or all the tools that have helped but I oh my god I just forgot my most helpful thing Alexa and my Alexa just turned on um this is a side note I got those Alexa speakers where you can speak to them and like Alexa sitting alarm or Alexa um remind me to do this or send me an email that has been like changing again just getting off my phone I needed the circuit breakers to get off my phone and my Alexa got me off my phone and I love my phone I love social media I love everything it's given me but reducing my screen time has been so good for me my mind my body my soul all the things so that

45:06is another side note similar to the summer of alarm clock is get some sort of Alexa tool that you can speak to and remind yourself of things without having to open up a loop of being on your phone anyway I'm actually done now thank you for listening guys thank you for tuning in I'm sorry for the scatteredness but I'm also not at the same time because I think it's hopefully realistic I'll never try and give perfect polish episodes because I'm not a perfect polish gal anyway good fun episodes coming I promise I'll actually record them and post them but I appreciate you listening if you've gotten this far thank you um I appreciate you and I hope that you have a beautiful week whatever you're doing in like I said at the start if they're very okay it's by the floods and quote them they're like it's back to normal so it's so soon but thanks for being here thanks for tuning in and I'll talk to you guys so soon good bye