734: A Bald Woody

If you thought the internet was a dumpster fire before, the EU LAUNCHES SECOND INVESTIGATION INTO GROK because Musk’s bot won't stop generating nonconsensual imagery. Meanwhile, META LARGELY FAILS TO PROTECT KIDS FROM AI CHATBOTS, proving that their internal safety checks are about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. If that doesn't creep you out, AFTER RING PRIVACY BACKLASH over police partnerships, a LEAKED EMAIL SUGGESTS RING PLANS TO EXPAND ‘SEARCH PARTY’ from finding lost dogs to total neighborhood surveillance. Of course, REDDIT, META, AND GOOGLE VOLUNTARILY GAVE DHS INFO on users critical of ICE, because why stand up for privacy when you can just comply?

In the news, we look at OPENCLAW, OPENAI AND THE FUTURE as the project’s founder joins the Borg, even though META AND OTHER TECH FIRMS PUT RESTRICTIONS ON USE OF OPENCLAW because it’s basically a security hole that can click your mouse for you. Peak stupidity has arrived with RFK JR'S NEW CHATBOT giving rectal dietary advice, while AI COMPANIES BOUGHT OUT ALL OF WESTERN DIGITAL’S HARD DRIVES through 2026, meaning you can't have storage because the bots need it more. Even VALVE ADMITS STEAM DECK AVAILABILITY IS AFFECTED by this memory hoarding. We also touch on STEVE BANNON SUED OVER MAGA CRYPTO SCHEME, LOS ANGELES COUNTY FILES LAWSUIT AGAINST ROBLOX for being a safety nightmare, and the fact that TESLA ROBOTAXIS REPORTEDLY CRASHING at four times the human rate. TESLA DODGES 30-DAY SUSPENSION by simply killing the word "Autopilot," while NEW YORK HITS THE BRAKES ON ROBOTAXI EXPANSION to keep the chaos at bay. Finally, POLYMARKET WITHDRAWS EXPLOSIVE ARTEMIS BETTING MARKET because betting on dead astronauts is too much even for them, leading the ETHEREUM CREATOR STARTING TO THINK THIS WHOLE PREDICTION MARKET THING MIGHT BE GAMBLING. As NEVADA SUES KALSHI and Jack Dorsey oversees INSIDE THE ROLLING LAYOFFS AT JACK DORSEY’S BLOCK—using AI to summarize the misery of his employees—just remember: YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN YOU HEAR WHAT JUSTIN BIEBER’S $1.3 MILLION BORED APE IS WORTH NOW. Hint: it’s twelve grand.

In this week's MEDIA CANDY, we’ve got FREE BERT, KAT WILLIAMS: THE LAST REPORT, and the eternal return of SHREK. We’re checking out MARK ROBER on Netflix, the return of MONARCH: LEGACY OF MONSTERS, and the trailer for GOOD LUCK, HAVE FUN, DON'T DIE. If you need a soundtrack for the apocalypse, Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq has you covered with STOP USING GENERATIVE A.I and the Gen-X anthem I'VE NO MORE F*S TO GIVE!.

Moving to APPS & DOODADS, OBSIDIAN TO NOTES is a $14 well spent, unlike CURSOR and VISUAL STUDIO CODE which are getting bogged down by slow models. APPLE’S AI PENDANT sounds like a watered-down Humane pin that relies on your phone to think, and APPLE PODCASTS AND VIDEO remains a pipe dream because bandwidth costs money. We’ve reached the point where THERE’S A GRIM NEW EXPRESSION: “AI;DR” for things not worth reading, and THERE'S A NEW TERM FOR WORKERS FREAKING OUT over being replaced—AIRD, or AI Replacement Dysfunction—which is basically the low-grade panic of being made obsolete by a machine that thinks bananas go in your bum.

AT THE LIBRARY, we’re thumbing through CLEAVE THE SPARROW, THE REGICIDE REPORT by Charles Stross, and Robin Ince being NORMALLY WEIRD AND WEIRDLY NORMAL.

Then we descend into THE DARK SIDE WITH DAVE, where the Muppets are taking over with THE MUPPET SHOW and MUPPETS NOW. We catch the latest on THE MANDALORIAN AND GROGU and TOY STORY 5, while tracking the PENTAGON PIZZA INDEX to see if war is breaking out. For the kids, we look at a 3D PRINTER / ENTRY LEVEL FOR KIDS like the Bambu Lab A1, and for the nerds, A STAR WARS-CENTRIC RSS FEED and a NEAT IDEA FOR AN RSS READER, “CURRENT,” which lets news drift away like water under a bridge. We wrap it all up with some HORROR IN UNDER TWO MINUTES and IMPECCABLE COVERS OF 80S SYNTH MUSIC, because at least the 80s had better soundtracks than this AI-generated nightmare.

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734: A Bald Woody

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