72: Blushing Phoenix Is ...

0:00I have had a massive breakthrough. You know what you just have? Crazy epiphanies. And usually it's something that was sitting in front of your face the whole time and you're a little bit taken aback by the fact that you missed it. I've had this happen so many times in my life. And this is why I say I firmly believe that we heal in circles. We do not heal linear. This is not a straight line. You may have seen something out on the internet where it shows you start here and you circle around and you go here and you circle around and you go here and you keep hitting the same wounded part of the circle. And each time you are growing when you come back around to the same scenario, personality, situation, you respond different. And it's not until you get there that you think to yourself, whoa, this is not the same person that

1:03would have I wouldn't have reacted this way before. I wouldn't have responded this way. That would have made me really angry. I would have thought about that for days and days. I think that that's the beauty of self exploration and expanding your consciousness is that you get to be surprised by these random epiphanies and realize that they're not even like life altering. It's not life altering things but they but it alters your life. It's not this earth shattering. Oh, there it is. So what I'm referencing is I have had blushing penis going since 2019. It's when I stepped into wanting to explore exposure for what is called urethrophobia which is the fear of turning red. I had these splotches and flushing that was happening at my neck and chest that hadn't always happened to me and it started as the pressure of working in corporate

2:07America started to intensify because I was being more seen, more relied upon, there was opportunity for bigger titles, more money, more authority to be somebody, you know. And I started to flush. I don't know where I just started to flush and a boss called it out one day and because an authority to find that something was wrong in me, my response to his perception was internal collapse. And so blushing penis began. This thing started happening. It started happening in loops. I couldn't figure out why it was happening. I researched. I couldn't find anything to show me what the hell is wrong with me. So I decided to start a YouTube channel until nobody about it in my personal sphere, until nobody about it. I just get on camera and talk about flushing. And I wanted

3:10myself to flush on camera. I wanted to turn red on camera and see myself in the viewfinder, that's what it's called, basically in the camera. See myself and keep going. And it has evolved over the years. If you've been around a while, it has, at first it was lean and warrior, then it was blushing panics, then it was a night with April minor. Then I think it might have just been April minor, then it was amplified with April minor because I kept trying to get away from just your anthropobia. And so I'm sharing this with you now because guess what? We're coming back around the corner. We're coming back around the mountain. We hit that part of the loop again. This time in an outer band saying, I think that blushing panics needs to expand. And one of my friends said, it has expanded. You've been talking about whatever. People are still showing up to listen. So I went to this co-working

4:15event yesterday with, it was like a co-working gathering with creatives yesterday. And they, they were so creative and cool and they were, when they, I hadn't met them before. So they were like, well, what do you do? What do you do? And I, for the life of me, could not freaking tell them what I do? Because I was torn between, do I tell them about my work HR solutions consulted or payroll and benefits? Or do I tell them about my creative venture? I showed up there to write about blushing panics and expanding out what does blushing panics mean. I was really trapped. So they were asking me in real time, what do you do? What's your creative project? What are you working on today? And I fumbled around, it was insane how much I fumbled around. I was so aware of why the hell can't I tell them what this is? I went back and started talking about my story with your orthophobia and how blushing panics began. But now what it is,

5:19and I'm going to be hosting someone on the show soon. And she, that I can never pronounce it. You guys, I should look it up. I should look it up. But it's not a word I use very often. But it's like the sexy photos, the racy sexy photos that make women just feel incredible. You can come to your husband, you can put your stuff, you can come to your partner, whatever. Where do I, bar do I? It's start to be, you know I'm talking about. And I want, I've been wanting to host her for forever because I just think, talk about a vulnerable moment, talk about a vulnerable circumstance where you're going to put yourself into a circumstance to strip down. It's sexy lingerie and take these photos, especially with women who struggle with their body image and how they show up in the world. And I need her to speak to you all. I need her to speak to you guys because I want to hear from her. I want to hear, the photos are amazing, but I want to hear about

6:24the psychology. I want to hear about what are the walls that people have to break through to be able to show up and do those types of photo shoots. And I'm excited for that. But as I was thinking about that, and I was looking at all these other women that are around me and men that have great things to say that I think would be very beneficial for blushing Phoenix listeners. I started thinking, but this is your orthophobia. Like how does that, even for them being able to share with their network, what they talked about on blushing Phoenix, it's confusing. So I was really challenged with this yesterday when I left the co-working get together and I took a walk and I talked to chat GPT and I just had it go back and forth with me. What the hell is blushing Phoenix? And we had dwindled it down to it's what like what is your podcast about? Well, it's about noticing when

7:27you are editing yourself in real time, when you are making a change, when you're shying back, when you're playing small in real time and making a different choice, not a small choice, taking up space. And I like that. I would say that really is what it is because think about blushing or sweating or being nervous in any capacity feeling like you're not good enough is that you're playing small or not setting a boundary with somebody because you're afraid that they wouldn't like what you said and that that might cause some sort of friction discomfort. And so you play small or you don't say what you want to say and then you go home and you think about it and you are upset and bothered or you call a friend and you tell them about this other friend that's annoying to you or this person that doesn't do because you just didn't say what you actually wanted to say in real time. And it's amazing to have the self-awareness to catch it even if it's later. But the goal for blushing Phoenix is to get you to notice it in real time

8:32so that you can pivot. So I like that. I landed with that. That actually encompasses everything and it's a lot of my story and it's it's it's not ever going to run out. That's not a story that's ever going to run dry. You're always going to have situations where you are going to show up for some reason you feel like you are editing yourself for the approval of someone else or a situation whatever the case may be. And noticing that you're doing that and reacting differently, doing something differently in the moment, taking a pause. And so because I believe that is where so much of the blushing comes from and the urethrophobia comes from is that you start to blush because you feel really uncomfortable with how you're being perceived because you're playing small or you're not being honest and true to yourself. And then when you flush or you blush and somebody says oh my gosh you just turned so red now there is an out an external perception of you. That is not what you want in people are perceiving you a certain way. You have no control over that.

9:37And there's so much fear that you're coming across in this certain way. So now you start to loop. I can't go. I can't do this. I can't speak. I can't perform. I can't speak up at work. I can't apply for that promotion. I can't apply for that job because I'm going to freaking turn red or you can fill in the blank with whatever it is. This is just me talking about where this all came from for me. But when I started to show up, when I started to notice it in the moment and tell myself you're safe here. You're safe here. Your body's just responding because it doesn't know. It doesn't know that it's not safe because it hasn't been safe in the past. But we are writing a new story for ourselves by putting ourselves in environments that are safe and removing ourselves from environment that are not safe and learning to gain the ability to stabilize internally in that space, even if it is an uncomfortable or what feels like an unsafe place. And that has been my

10:39story. That's how I overcame Euruthrophobia. It's how I overcame that loop, that fear loop. It's also how I overcame anxiety, general anxiety disorder and depression was through being able to show up and do things and recalibrate myself in a way that I could be who I want to be. But there's this bridge you have to cross and only you can cross it to get to the other side. And knowing what that person looks like and what they feel like and how they show up in the world, it's what's creating the cognitive dissonance between you and where you know you're supposed to be and who you're supposed to be because there is this thing in between where you are editing for the sake of safety instead of actually taking the risk to show it fully as yourself. So I love that right? So I landed on that. That makes so much sense to me. Boom. It encompasses all the blushing Phoenix and everything that I believe Blushing Phoenix says. So this morning I woke up and I thought to myself, it still feels like it's going a little bit in circles. You know,

11:46somebody said, well, what is blushing Phoenix? Well, it's you know, it's when you notice that you edit yourself and you shy back or play small and it's noticing it in real time and then making a different choice. That's in your truth, you know, or some other buzz word. And so I just stopped thinking about it and I'm like, we're close. We're close. But let's just stop trying to force this thing because when I got the name Blushing Phoenix, it was lean and warrior originally. And I, it was about leaning into discomfort, right? All about leaning into discomfort. It's what my book lean in is about. It's about leaning into discomfort and seeing the beauty of leaning in instead of avoidance. So I was on a treadmill one day just doing my regular afternoon run on treadmill, not even thinking about lean and warrior or urethrophobia or anything like that. And it just landed on me and within me, blushing Phoenix. And I got off the treadmill and I went inside

12:52and I told my husband, I'm like, blushing Phoenix. That is the name of my, at the time, it's just a YouTube channel. That's the name of my YouTube. And he like, that's awesome. And when I tell people blushing Phoenix, they're like, wow, that's amazing. I love it. Whoa, what a great name. And so I knew there's something about the energy of words and how they come together. And that's why this is such a big deal to me. Because what is blushing Phoenix? Well, my story of urethrophobia, and I want it, but it's, it's so much bigger than that. When I'm honed in on urethrophobia, it speaks to a group of people, a lot of people across the world. I see it in the analytics and I see it in my messages when you all message me. But then, but then it is not, some people don't blush, but they have something else that's very similar to the symptom of blushing. And the root is all the same. So I'm doing my hair this morning and it lands on me and within me.

13:54What is blushing Phoenix? What is your podcast about? It's about learning to trust yourself. That's it. Learning to trust yourself. Well, what does that mean? What do you mean, trust yourself? And then it can go into, well, how many times have you shied back or played small or didn't set a boundary with somebody or let somebody take advantage of you in a certain way because you didn't want to create any sort of discomfort? And blushing Phoenix is learning to take up space and not only learning to do it, but knowing that you know that you know that you deserve to take up space. That you belong here too. This is this is for you too. And it just lands. It lands so well. Learning to trust yourself. When did when did you start to edit to be more palatable?

14:57When did you start to edit? Like if you're similar to me, I remember when I first went into the corporate world and I really believed the open door policy and I really believed that you could speak up if you had great ideas. And then I quickly learned that that's not true. That is not true. There are actually repercussions and if you bring certain things to the forefront, why do people not want to hear this? Why am I now being excluded from these conversations? Why can't people hear me? Behavior is a language and so you get taught through behaviors, the way people respond and the way people show up after that, that you're kind of being punished. And so therefore you self edit to stay safe. That's just a small example. Think about your chart experiences, your family experiences, your friendship experiences. Work is definitely a big one and how we

15:59show up in the world. And how many times we have made an edit on ourselves to fit into a space so that we could belong, we could be perceived as perfection, we end good and right and palatable. And how many times have we bid our tongue in a family system where there's a matriarch who runs the show, but you think differently, but you're afraid to speak up and say anything because you don't want to create a bother and you don't want to be exiled from the freaking family, right? So if Lushing Phoenix is all about learning to trust yourself, why? So I had this epiphany this morning about blushing and people pleasing and all these other insecurities. And I thought, well, these are symptoms. All of this is a symptom,

17:00not setting boundaries, not speaking up, not putting yourself out there, questioning yourself, holding back, getting stuck in analysis paralysis and going around the mountain over and over again because you need perfectionism. These are symptoms to something. What are they symptoms to? They are symptoms to a lack of self-trust, but they are symptoms to even more so, not trusting that you will be okay with the discomfort. If you set a boundary with Nana, who has always ran the family a certain way, you don't trust that the response to your boundary, that you can handle it. You don't trust the outcome. You don't trust that if seven of your cousins stop talking to you now because of what you said to Nana and you're such a bad person because that's a lot of times what it is. Oh, I'll tell you that you can trust the

18:02outcome of that discomfort. That you can trust feeling uncomfortable. And I'm here to challenge that and tell you that you can. That you can handle discomfort. About a month ago, I was getting my eyes dilated at an eye check and I remember when the optometrist, is that what they are? Yeah, optometrist put the little drops in my eyes. It's been a while since I've done this and so I forget that they dilate your eyes and I personally hate to feel any sort of physical discomfort. Hi. Oh gosh. I will ruminate on physical discomfort. I can handle a little bit of emotional stuff, but man, the physical stuff just really gets me. Anyway, and it depends on the day. I felt like a little more anxiety that day. Nobody likes sitting on a doctor's office regardless of what their specialty is. And he dilated my eyes and he said, I'm going to let that set in and I'll be back. And he left out and I sat there already feeling anxious and as my vision started to blur, I felt extremely, extremely uncomfortable. And I felt the physical sensations of so much fear

19:10come over me. What if I go blind? I wonder how many people go blind? My thoughts were racing. And I sat there and tears. I mean, obviously it was kind of burning a little bit, but these were like true tears. Just, just silently dropped out of my eyes. And I sat there with me, but inner me, that person you talk with and who guides you, I sat there with that. And I comforted her. I almost can view her as a young girl. That's afraid. And I said, hey, we're okay. We are okay. We are just really uncomfortable. And there's nothing that we can do in this moment to take away this discomfort, but it will go away. We just have to be here with it, breathe through it, and not try to change it. Don't try to change this moment of discomfort. Just be with it, explore it, respond to the invitation of it. Why am I feeling so uncomfortable? Why is my mind racing into this place of feeling like I'm out of control completely? And what does it matter

20:13if I'm out of control completely? And what if I do have to go to an ER because something weird happened with that particular concoction of the solution that he put into my eyes completely out of my control. And I sat there with it. And the moment, you know, it started to pass over time because it takes a while for that stuff to run out. And I, or for your eyes, I had sight to come back. And I was okay. And it made me think back to why I started blushing Phoenix to begin with, you're with refobe and all that stuff. You've been around a while, you know, I was getting a root can now done. And I had the gas on and I got really freaking uncomfortable and I felt really out of control. But I was also trapped because I was high on gas. So I've looked fine on the outside, but I was absolute panicked in the inside. And I sat there with that inner me, with me. And I greeted her there. And I loved on her there. And I said, hey, you're okay. You are

21:14okay. This is just really uncomfortable. And it was the moment that changed my life because I've met her there. I stopped running from the discomfort. I was stuck in it. And I sat with her. And I said, I'm sorry for what has happened to you. And I'm sorry that I have ignored it for so long, the blushing, the flushing, all that I had ignored it for so long kept trying to run from it. And I looked at her in her face and I said, I'm going to get you out of here. We're going to get beyond this. I had no idea how or when, but I just had this belief. It's going to make me cry. I had this belief that I could. And I did. And I realized in my epiphany this morning that this has been six years of exploring and trying to overcome this thing. And I did. And I realized that thing is I didn't, I've always said like, oh, I beat you with a phobia because I still flush here and there. And not nearly as bad. My nervous system is way more regulated. I feel way safer in my body and in my environments. And I trust myself. And I'm also a human. And

22:17flushing is a natural occurrence to some people depending on how they're wired. So I thought about this morning. I thought about how I say I did beat you with a phobia because that is the chronic fear of turning red. But I still flush because I don't want to because I still do. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But I realized this morning that I didn't beat. I didn't really beat your phobia or overcome blushing. What I did was I learned to trust myself that I can, I can handle the discomfort of showing up not perfect. I can handle the outcomes of people leaving me or choosing to opt out if I set a boundary because I'm going to choose myself first. I overcame the fear of feeling selfish or entitled or self obsessed. If I have

23:22plans and goals and visions for myself and I shut the rest of the world out because I need to go chase that down. I have put myself in the situation enough and I've lost enough people in transit to know that I'm okay with the discomfort. I will survive the discomfort. I'm just uncomfortable. So I'll leave you with this. A while ago, Axe, my little one, he's four. He's in daycare and he was headed into a new classroom and that daycare and it's scary. They get you ready for kindergarten. There's a lot more responsibility. Things change a lot. And I was trying to get him out of the house one morning. He was really afraid because I'm scared. I don't want to go. And I said, we just got to be brave. And he looked at me and he said, I don't want to be brave. And it stopped me in my tracks because I thought, man, I feel that on a really deep level. Good for you because there's something I don't want to be brave either. And I looked at him and I said, well, you don't have to be brave, but you are going to be

24:24uncomfortable and you've got to learn to deal with that discomfort. So no matter what, we've got to go do it. And it's going to be uncomfortable. You don't have to be brave, but it's going to be okay. And so that's what I want to say to you. I want to introduce you to blushing Phoenix for the 18th thousand five hundred and seventy seventh time, which is all about trusting yourself, learning to trust yourself, reconnecting back to you and the fullness of you and taking up space and learning and knowing that you know that you know that you can handle discomfort that you will come out okay. And that you have got this. You deserve to be here. You get to take up space too. And only you have that answer because you're the one that has to cross the bridge. And you can have cheerleaders and you can listen to this podcast and you can have people speaking into your life, but you, my friend, have to walk across that bridge. You have to choose to go across that bridge

25:29because we all know people that are really stuck in their own loops in their own way. They're validating their story constantly, but they're not enough, but they're too much, but they're too intense, that they're going to be abandoned and what happens in their lives. They reinforce, and they, it's just a self-fulfilling prophecy. They need to actually reinforce that story because it's what feels real to them, but you know your story is different. So if you're living in a story that is making you feel small, you're actively participating in that story. Why? So I need you to notice when you are editing yourself today. Notice when you are shrinking back, when you're not saying what you actually wanted to say. And it's okay if you don't do it in real time in the moment because that takes, that's like lifting weights. You've got to build up that muscle. But I challenge you to make one choice today that doesn't follow the loop of the past. And I promise you that you just took one step into the bridge that you need to cross,

26:35and you will get across it. All right, got to run. Bye.