680: Downchuck Edition

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Warning before the Senate says even over, all have said fuck.

This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by the new gasoline alternative

for creationists that don't believe in fossils, FASSO fuels.

FASSO fuels because acknowledging any real thing fucks up your world view so you might

as well stay put.

And now, The Skating Atheist.

Hi.

I'm Will.

And as an aerospace engineer who tests some of the most advanced jet engines with people

who believe the world is 5,000 years old, and that dinosaurs are actually the dragons

from the Bible, I can confirm we did indeed evolve from filthy monkey men.

It's Thursday.

It's March 26th and it's National Makeup Your Own Holiday Day.

Okay, Day of the Lamb, Damn it.

Maybe next year.

I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Ethan Wright.

And from Kellyanne Conway's New Jersey.

And our Michigan and Wakecross Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist.

Oh, this week's episode, Pete Hegg's F puts the A-hole in a holy war.

The top level FEMA official makes up a lie about being the worst X-man ever.

Waffle Houseman.

And we'll make sure our obituary skills are warmed up for when the big one happens.

But first, the die tribe.

When I first thought about doing these die tribes, it was because pretty much every week,

at least one thing would happen in my life that would make me want to yell about it for

five minutes.

All right, sorry, dozens of things like that would happen every week.

But at least once a week, one of them would be about religion.

Now, to be honest, those experiences are just far less common in my life now.

My job allows me to stay home most of the time and with the exception of an inbox full

of rabid trolls, all the people I interact with at work are atheists.

And pretty much all the people I know are at least well aware that I'm an atheist and

mostly they avoid talking about religion around me either because they're polite or because

I'm better at it than them.

So it's far less often that life triggers a random die tribe for me like in the wild.

But sometimes life still just drops one right in my lap as it did on Monday morning.

So I'm in the hospital waiting room waiting to get some blood drawn for a cardiologist appointment

not to worry about routine checkup stuff.

I'm fine.

And apparently Monday morning is the exact wrong time to do that shit because the place

is packed.

The waiting room at the heart center is standing room only and sharing the room with me

that morning was a young man who's maybe in his mid 20s who was developmentally disabled,

gregarious and evangelical.

And at first, it was enough to melt my atheist heart.

He's striking up conversations with random strangers in the waiting room by asking them

to pray for his dad who's having heart surgery that day.

Right?

No, I know.

I know.

That's how I reacted as well.

Look, he didn't ask me.

But if he had, I'd probably have said, yes, I may even about my head and gone mumble,

mumble, mumble.

Amen.

Maybe there's a better or more atheist way to handle it, but I'm not going to challenge

a mentally disabled person's religious convictions while his dad's under the knife.

So when I first saw that, I just felt sympathy for him.

But given that he had no trouble finding fellow evangelists in a South Georgia hospital

waiting room, he elected to have a very loud conversation with several people littered

throughout the cramped little area about how great Jesus is and how sad it is that some

people don't believe in Jesus and have him in their lives.

And at that point, it became annoying, but that's all it was just annoying, try to look

at it.

Like I'd look at a precocious seven year old loudly opining on his favorite Pokemon.

Like Danny started talking about Charlie Kirk and look, I'm just, I'm learning what a shitty

person somebody around him is, his parents are his cousin or whatever, but he brings up

Charlie Kirk and one of the old ladies who's been roped into this conversation with him

doesn't know who that is.

So he has to explain and the lady is African American.

So luckily he doesn't go into a lot of details.

He does it one point.

They'll kind of graphically reenact what Charlie looked like when he got shot, which was

Loki, hilarious, but it certainly moved outside of the realm of just precocious at that

point.

Still sat there with my eyes on my phone, reminding myself that he doesn't really have the capacity

to understand what is and isn't an appropriate conversation to have in public, even as the

conversation turns to how angry he is that some people won't talk to him about God and

how terrible people who don't believe in his God are.

Now eventually his mom gets done with whatever she was to.

She rejoins him and shocked as I was does not remind him that in a room of 40 random people

there are almost certainly non Christians, yes, even in my deep South town.

And then it's very impolite to talk about how gross they are in public.

And it should be noted by the way that he wasn't just having this fucking conversation with

the ceiling tiles or anything.

There were three other people seated throughout this waiting area, yes, and the shit out

of his bigotry.

They're just in love with their sin.

They're afraid of what they see in the mirror.

They're just not ready to face the Lord.

Those are all direct quotes from the conversation and none of them came from him.

Those are just the kind of oblivious fuck used that Christian people can freely toss out

when they're in a confident majority.

So eventually he and his mom get called back, but the conversation continues in his absence.

For the rest of the time I'm sitting there, which is another five or six fucking minutes,

all these newfound friends united in a common bigotry continue to talk about how sad it

must be to be me.

Y'all, I feel like my fucking blood samples should have an asterisk next to them.

I don't want my cardiologist to think I'm just walking around with that much cortisol

in my shit all the time.

Luckily they weren't checking my blood pressure on this one or I'd wound up admitted, but

of course, it was one of those situations where I was mad as hell, but I wasn't mad at

anyone in particular.

I mean, yes, the ladies who were disparaging atheists in the waiting room knew better.

I could have been mad at them if I wanted to, but one of them was a septiginary and taking

her blind deaf 95 year old father to his heart appointment.

Another was in a wheelchair sporting supplemental oxygen.

I mean, as you hear me recount this story, there might be a part of you that's wishing

that I would interject with some kind of clever tirade in that moment and knock them down

a peg.

But there's just nobody at the waiting room at the Sattilla Memorial Heart Center on

a Monday morning, who you want to knock down any pegs.

So what I did was sit in a room, listening to people talk about what a piece of shit

I was and I reminded myself how nice it is that I at least get to yell about it to you

later.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the prize fighter and compensated anarchist

of my bomb squad tech.

He that right in the Eli Bosnick Phyllis.

Are you ready to show some class?

Glare, Glare Motherfucker.

But what?

Okay, I honestly can't tell if that's a reference that I don't get or if you lie, if you

just descended 2% further into madness, I guess not clear.

And with the sad realization that it's both we're going to pause for a word from this

week sponsor that counsel for an ad free future.

And now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight, a couple of weeks ago, we talked

about the very dubious claims from the military religious freedom foundation founders Mikey

Weinstein about how 110 different people from 40 different units on 30 different bases

told him and only him that their commanders were telling them Trump was anointed by Christ

and the war in Iran was going to trigger his return.

Okay, just the numbers feel like they're all multiples of 10.

Yeah, he had a lot of more than's in there, but literally no other source has heard

anything about this, including other atheist watchdog groups.

And Weinstein refuses to show reporters from other outlets, any of the 110 emails he

got even redacted.

Okay.

Even if they agree not to publish them or talk about them, so there are plenty of reasons

to doubt that claim and no reasons to believe it.

Hey, don't worry, Mikey.

I also have been the only person with evidence that a thing I said on the internet was true.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Yeah, a lot of times I'm like, oh, you have the evidence.

Yeah, can I see it?

Yeah, you can redact it now, still know.

All right.

So that being said, Pete Hegseth is a Christian national

ist with calls to crusade tattooed on his fucking body right there.

So it's not like he doesn't actually think this shit, which were reminded of virtually

every time he opens his goddamn mouth in an official capacity.

Even when he opens it to vomit, sometimes he holds it and he's like, yeah, we're doing

it.

Yeah, no, exactly.

Exactly.

So let me just walk you through a couple of disturbing comments.

He's recently made about his campaign of holy retribution against the infidels.

Like for example, when he turned the disturbingly ubiquitous call to pray for our troops that

ends wartime press briefings into an alter call asking people for prayers, quote, every day

unbended knee with your family in your schools and your churches in the name of Jesus Christ

and quote, which doesn't even hit that bullshit line of secularity that forgives in God we

trust.

Okay.

Just forget to pray about Vietnam Afghanistan.

Probably.

Yeah.

Or maybe Jesus isn't always a big fan of the US.

Yes.

That's possible.

Yeah.

I mean, look, he is a Middle Eastern guy.

I get it.

But in case we weren't clear on which divine deity is keeping our casualties so low, he

reminded viewers on 60 minutes that quote, the providence of our almighty God is there

protecting those troops and quote, unmistakably implying that their God doesn't

really have the spoons.

He also claimed in the past that quote, there's a direct through line from the old and

New Testament Christian gospels to the development of Western civilization in the United States

of America.

And quote, which is pretty fucking rich because there's not even really a through line between

the old and New Testament.

No, there's not.

Temple of Israel, kill my kid.

Then like a couple thousand years later, gold conspiracy theorists are going to genocide

their way to the perfect example of the failure of capitalism.

It's all one big story.

No idea.

I see ideas.

If you think about it, the through line was yada, yada, yada for two thousand years, it's

to be.

Yeah.

Right.

And so on and so on.

And then me.

Yeah.

I get it, Pete.

I too have thought all of culture in its tree.

It's led up to my existence.

That's the title of Eli's memoirs, yada, yada, yada, me.

Yeah.

And look, I get that the Trump administration's whole thing is failing to pay heed to the typical

inventions of diversity, right?

I get that we're not going to get inclusivity from Pete fucking Hegseth.

But when we're in the middle of bombing a Muslim country with no plausible justification

for the war, maybe we be as uncrucity as possible about it.

That would be nice.

I would appreciate that.

But no, apparently the best we can hope for with Pete, let me show you how to kill a man

with a comb Hegseth is that he doesn't arrive at the podium wearing Templar armor.

Yeah.

I mean, he's already got the tattoos.

So

He sure those naked kids and the children's crusade didn't park the Mediterranean.

I heard that.

Because more abandoned could really help right now straight up for moves.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

But not legend to Korra.

I'm a racist.

And honestly, look, the main reason I want to bring this up is to emphasize what a

terrible disservice that Weinstein did by throwing out a demonstrably bullshit claim to

this effect at the beginning of the conflict, right?

He has armed Christian nationalists with already made reputation that they're already

overapplying to shit that Hegseth and Trump have set on the record.

It's just another great reminder of why it's so dangerous to throw out plausible bullshit

to support your side and so dangerous to share information from an unreliable source.

Okay.

If this is your way of firing me, you have to help this is not you can't do it on air.

But that is why I already had this all written in these ones.

Okay.

Yeah.

No, it's nice.

Easy slots and I get.

Yeah.

And in Western sieve news.

Nice.

S-I-E-D.

It's actually quite clever.

You can't tell, but it's very.

If you're a patron who get in the script, you're that's a bone moment for it.

So you know, when you make a pot of French press coffee and when you clean up, you should really

be pouring the used grounds over a sieve so you don't fuck up the garbage disposal or

the plumbing.

Well, according to a Christian right congresswoman, it's the same with abortion and miscarriage.

Is it?

Yeah.

GOP representative Mary Miller of Illinois wants every abortion and miscarriage to happen

over a calendar so it doesn't fuck up the plumbing.

That's real.

That's really the story.

This is a real thing.

I mean, she can want whatever she wants.

Yeah.

I'm still putting my abortions in the garbage disposal.

I don't know.

It's a dollar.

So in my town, like this is yet another anti-choice school who wants to restrict bodily autonomy

in the name of a hippie rabbi from 2000 years ago, who never mentioned anything about any

of this.

But no, it's not.

No, he didn't mention those medical procedures.

No, it's not.

It's neither here nor there.

You're being too cynical.

It's about the environment.

Oh, Mary Miller cares about clean quarter and that's why she introduced a new bill last

week called the Clean Water for All-Life Act, because, you know, horish women all over

the country constantly polluting our ecosystem with tiny little dead babies as they want

to do.

That baby's sure it's a big problem.

The new environmental law has three main components.

One, it would ban all telemedicine for prescribing medication like if a pristone.

For the environment, for the environment too, it would require a doctor to be physically

present during the process of the medically induced abortion to be clear about the logistics

of that, which they clearly have not thought through.

That's a doctor just hanging out for several days and following patients into the bathroom

theoretically.

Well, we're just, I don't know, maybe watching or taking the pill and then checking to

make sure she didn't hide it in her cheeks.

I guess.

Gotta put it in peanut butter and component three, it would require a calendar or in the

words of the bill, a catch kit for for the environment.

Yep.

Okay.

So there is no way to say fine mesh fetus siv without making it sound weird, but I would

be hard pressed to find a worse term than catch kit.

Yeah, mesh fetus, yeah, it doesn't really matter how you say it sounds crazy.

So you're probably wondering, um, are you fucking serious?

I was wondering, I was wondering, and yes, sadly, yes, the bill would require every patient

to catch their abortion or miscarriage and that Eli's doing a catch motion, but it's

good.

I guess maybe in this case that there's a cool fit and then bring it to a medical facility

for proper disposal.

Robin Pinocchio covered the story at Wankette and found an example of the catch kit on Amazon

and provided a photo in the article.

And seriously, it's literally a calendar that attaches to a toilet seat.

And it comes with accessories, including a bag with a, with a decorative heart on the

side.

Yep.

A paper bag there.

Okay.

Clear for those of you who aren't aware, these kits are for crazy people to wrap their

curdled period blood in a funeral bag so they can have a fucking hamster funeral for

it.

And the only thing more insane than its existence is making someone use it.

It comes with a little plastic dairy queen spoon.

That's for getting the little arm, which gets stuck in the hole, you don't want to have

to, because if you use your fingers, you're going to squish it through the hole.

Right.

You need a spork and I found the spoons be weird.

She's great in your baby, you know what I'm saying?

There I have so many questions.

What you need.

Honestly, they should do a cheesecloth, a Labneh technique, if you will.

Okay.

That makes more sense.

So according to a press release from Mary Miller's office, quote, the murder for profit abortion

industry.

That's it.

Tall Tyler's in the background, mumble environment, really loud in her throat.

It's the murder for profit abortion industry is the beginning of my sentence about my

environmental law has completely ignored the dangerous and unethical disposal of pre-born

baby remains and toxic chemical waste produced by abortion pills.

End quote.

And I say this without bias.

I'm concerned about the environment.

And during a press conference last week, Mary Miller added that medically induced abortion

is polluting our water.

But here's the crucial detail on that.

No, it's not.

No, it's not.

She's lying.

No.

She's a liar.

There's evidence that trace amounts of certain medications make it through our public

water filtration systems.

But if a pristone and misoprostol are not, they break down quickly inside of our body.

So the trace amounts of other drugs that do show up are tracious fuck.

And okay, no, I just used a science term most people haven't heard before.

So here's a more detailed description of tracious fuck from environmental chemist Sebastian

Sove at the University of Montreal.

So if you were to drink two liters of water a day for 70 years, at the end of those 70

years, you would have taken one percent of the normal daily dose of someone taking that

prescribed medication.

So you're welcome for the freeze.

All off to everybody.

Well, there's actually going to implied asterix for the water filtered out of your piss

Eli.

So he was like with Eli's piss water, you get it in the first 90 days.

Also by the way, Sebastian Sove sounds like a cartoon lethario.

There's no way that's a real name.

Does he know you can, he can't know you can change your name.

Sebastian Sove.

He's going to find that casually out on his 90th birthday.

He's going to be like, fucking what?

No.

Sove means saved in French.

So he's like, you know, from a religious background, but he's given you the real details

here.

Also worth noting, the bill would allow for exceptions in which the abortion was deemed

medically necessary.

That might sound good for a second, but it's clearly just a way to make the terrible

bill more palatable, more likely to pass directly.

But also it gives away the game.

If this was about the environment, they wouldn't have that exception or, and I guess this

is possible or Mary Miller thinks the water can sense it when there's a sinister motivation

to play or in the sarcastic words of Robin Pinocchio in that article, the water can totally

tell whether you didn't want to have a baby or if you wanted a baby and it didn't work

out.

Sort of like when Masaru Imodo proved that water has feelings by yelling at one thing

of water and praising another and then freezing them both to see which produced the prettiest

ice crystals.

Okay.

That's a real thing.

That's a real thing.

That's a real thing.

If you're proposing we do this with abortions to see if the fetus is smiling or frowning,

I am.

I am.

I am.

Sorry.

And when I say, when I said real thing, I mean, it's a guy who really did that.

It doesn't really work.

So it works.

Yeah.

Fuck all of that.

But the bill's not going to be passing in Illinois.

That being said, it clearly represents a ridiculous new angle that anti-choice steer

crats are probably going to be using in other states too.

And here's the thing, if you're thinking about some sort of prank involving a tiny little

flying spaghetti monster and I am calling her showing up at the office of a Christian

anti-agrat.

That would be crass and possibly illegal, not sure, and whether or not that would be super

duper funny to me is neither here nor there.

I would not be allowed to give out these points for that officially.

And in and dark to cult news, one of the great benefits of hard job is the ability to re-ajudicate

old arguments with a headline introduction.

For example, almost a decade ago, when I was handing out atheism pamphlets on the streets

of New York with a colander on my head, sorry, ladies, he's taken, relax, get your own

catchkin.

Exactly.

Yes, that's mine.

I handed one of the pamphlets to a guy a little bit older than me.

He looked at my pamphlet.

He thanked me and then he said, I just think atheism is a little silly, walked away.

And I will admit to you, podcast listener than his answer, stuck with me.

Yeah, it's hard to argue with that when you've got a colander on your head, I guess.

Yeah.

It was part of it, but it wasn't because he was dismissive or mean during that brief

period.

I met literally dozens of normal looking people who announced their state of full psychosis

when I did to them what their religion had been doing to others for about 2000 years.

No, it was that I have no idea to this day what he thinks is silly.

Is it our refusal to see that a man with a boat saved all the animals from the biblical

flood are refusal of the rewritten, re-typed and heavily edited gospels?

Is it bald heads and a goatee in which Casey's fucking got us?

Well, if you were listening today, I would have a proper repost for him podcast listener

and that repost is soon to be convicted rapist, Russell Brand, baptized a guy in the penguin

pool at a Christian zoo.

Okay.

Oh, atheism is silly, circle.

I raise.

I will see you silly and I'll raise you silly and incredibly tragic somehow all at the

same time.

And by the way, I say that is a guy who sells rubber thumbs and I have a calendar on my

head right now.

Yeah.

So, okay.

I have to point this out for anybody who's listening to this that hasn't been to a penguin

pool or hasn't spent much time around penguins.

They are in a constant state of shitting.

Yeah.

Like it's part of their respiratory process.

I just want to keep that in the forefront of your mind as we talk about being baptized

in the penguin pool.

Truly.

All right.

The blast radius is like eight meters or something insane, it might not be quite that,

but it's crazy.

I looked it up once.

They're house painters, but with their own shadow and they spin.

Yeah.

It's like a, it's like a big spinny, it's like a, it's a great gas situation.

It's a sprinkler.

Put a little cardboard down, bless the music.

All right.

First off, big thanks to the prospector, the one and only stormy D for sending us this

story and the fantastic pun to scathingnewsagemail.com.

If I were baptized into the church of stormy D, I'd do so into the loving embrace of your

helpful information story scathingnewsagemail.com, okay, but let's get, let's keep the penguins

going in our version of that.

I like the penguin part.

They're all, they fancy.

No, they can't.

Constantly shitting.

If there was a penguin in this room, he'd have shit three times during this story.

Okay.

That's your way of firing me.

You have to tell me.

I just can't do this.

Honestly.

Just don't spin so much.

Now, why do you spin because the music moved me?

Right.

In case you're unfamiliar with how weird the guy from forgetting Sarah Marshall has gotten,

let me catch you up.

Oh God, I forgot.

I love that movie.

I forgot.

He's fucking in it.

Good movie.

Bad dude.

So yeah, brand is due to stand trial next year after pleading not guilty to two charges

of rape, two charges of sexual assault and one charge of indecent assault at South

work crown court in Maine.

Brand has four accusers, but they all probably got together in a conspiracy to take down the

Internet's ninth most irritating YouTuber.

Yeah.

So it to be clear though, that like isn't all the accusations right?

Those are just the all the ones that he's currently charged with.

Yeah.

Exactly.

But if there's one solid takeaway from our podcasting career, it's that when someone

fails at a mainstream thing, they start doing the Christian version of it.

So last May brand was baptized in the river, teams by guy who thought he needed a televised

excuse to drink his own beer.

Yeah.

Seems like that TV show was gravy for beer.

Yeah.

Oh, I was already doing this.

Are you paying me now?

All right.

So it comes probably has more shit in it than the penguin pool.

So I if that was the alternative, I guess.

Exactly.

He's used to it.

Yeah.

Ever since then, if Russell isn't ranting about the horns of Illuminati out to get him

on his YouTube channel, he's delivering the lamest possible Christian narrative he can

get away with.

And very obviously this week, that included a trip to the zoo with his kids, where he also

agreed to do some stupid Christian stuff.

If they got a free baseball helmet full of dip and stuff.

So okay.

Well, to be fair, are you catching me on the right day?

I get baptized in a penguin pool for a baseball helmet full of dip and dots.

Right?

Exactly.

Oh, yeah.

So you're probably wondering, hey, what kind of zoo?

Let's rapist dunk people in their penguin pool.

Is it Christian?

It's the Christian ones.

Yes, it is.

This is Emerald Coast Zoo in Florida, which describes itself as a Christian-focused park

with a quote, focus on God working for the enjoyment of his people and the happiness

of his animals in our care.

And quote, a priority order, which I find deeply concerned.

Also the penguin narrative is extra crazy when you're claiming intelligent design instead

of evolution.

Sure.

That means God created a bunch of birds that could fly through the air as if magically.

And then he was like, also, penguins, okay, you get Tuxedo hair.

There you go.

He's like, Eagles can't waddle though.

Yeah, that's lame.

That's lame, man.

Yeah.

You get to shit all the time.

Huh?

Good blast radius.

Exactly.

But it turns out this isn't Brands' first trip to animals are our third from top priority

zoo.

According to the Times.com, he visited twice in September to lead the zoo's Halloween

event.

And I got to admit, we're going to the zoo to watch Russell Brand lead a prayer over

a group of children sounds way scarier than Halloween.

Oh, my God.

He looks like Jesus had a really bad divorce and became a mentalist.

Yeah.

So he looks like all the time.

How dare you, sir?

First of all, I want to highly encourage you, podcast listener, to watch this video.

Okay.

First of all, it's the saddest looking zoo I've ever seen.

It's four sheets of plexigrass around a golf course feature.

And it's obvious.

Russell Brand is going for like whimsy in the video, but it's hard to go for whimsy when

you're awaiting your rape trial.

So he narrates the whole thing like a, like a death row child murderer trying to really

play up how delicious is less.

He also looks more ready to shit in that pool than the penguins too.

He sure does.

He sure does.

Either way, that zoo is going to have a convicted rapist to scrub out of a lot of

their social media in a couple of months.

Yeah.

They're really not thinking ahead.

And I just want to say that I hope green haired guy near the 59th Street Columbus Circle

station is listening.

I hope you're listening, because I think that is rather silly.

Got him nailed it.

Nailed it.

You have won that interactive circle retroactively well done.

And finally tonight in the zoo, there it is news, a top level official at FEMA, believes

he can teleport.

And that sounds like a pretty great magical power that might help streamline the process

when you're doing emergency management all over the country.

But apparently this guy doesn't have the useful kind of teleportation.

It's just he's an intel.

The official in question is Greg Phillips with three Gs.

And he's the head of FEMA's office of response and recovery, the head of that.

And on top of being shitty at teleporting, he's also an anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist

and a supporter of the big lie about the 2020 election shocking city wants to punch

Joe Biden in the face at one point to well, Greg is also allowed to drive and is allowed

to be in control of anything ever.

In this case, something very serious, a major piece of the federal government and its

disaster response.

Okay.

Bright side, given how the Trump administration has handled everything they are in charge

of, a guy who will stand there going is maybe our best option.

Yes.

Couldn't be worse.

Also, he's not to be pedantic as much as I love zoop there it is as an opening pun.

It's very good.

The correct amount of pf for teleportation is BAMP.

Oh, don't embarrass us in front of the nerds.

And in mind, BAMP news, Greg is really struggling, wasn't it with his teleportation

powers?

That's his memoirs right there, mind BAMP.

And a big thanks to Ray for sending a link to skating news at gmail.com.

Ray gets three wishes involving our X-Men powers, you're at puzzle and a thunderstorm.

No wishing for more wishes, obviously.

And yes, this is very clearly a monkey's pos scenario.

So best of luck.

Right.

Yeah.

Don't worry, Ray.

The things I want are already bad for me.

When I unlocked the wishmaster by accident, he just said, okay, I guess.

So I want to see the wishmaster in his attorney time to penetrate Heath's wish.

Yes.

Wishmaster versus, I know we talked about it when we did the bonus episode, but wishmaster

versus Heath is the fan fiction we needed.

I beat the shit out of wishmaster and sketch universe.

Wishmaster quits being he's just on a construction site six days later, being like, he started

crying and left.

I wake up.

I go to my job.

I go home.

No one says we're too far with and it's great.

It's fucking fine.

He did a triple negative.

I got tricks.

Fuck.

They get holes now.

So here's what we learned about Greg with three Gs from CNN.

In January of 2025, he appeared on a podcast hosted by the fuck cares.

And he told the story of getting bamved.

Where did the dark warlock who Greg wronged end up sending him?

That would be a waffle house.

A punishment worse than hell.

This is better if you stop.

If you suddenly show up in a waffle house, this is this is Greg with three Gs telling

the story.

Quote.

I was with my boys one time and I was telling them I was going to go to waffle house and

get waffle house.

Got it, man.

Yeah.

That's it.

It'd be crazy if you just went there and got something else and he continues.

I ended up at a waffle house.

Yep.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's where you're going.

He continued.

This was in Georgia.

Yep.

End up at a waffle house like 50 miles away from where I was.

Okay.

So Greg lied to his family about where he was going because he was going to have gay

sex.

And then his wife checked his location and he ran to the nearest waffle house and was

like magic.

So Greg, I want to be clear.

All right.

Because I've had the situation too when I'm hanging out with my boys in Georgia and then

suddenly I'm at a waffle house with no memory of how I got there.

That's how almost all trips to waffle house begin at the top of the waffle house menu

says, you're at waffle house.

You did not tell him.

Yeah.

All right.

Continuing the story from Greg with 3G's quote, they, my kids said, where are you?

And I said, a waffle house waffle, how is waffles that I have now in my mouth?

Well, and they said, a waffle house where?

And I said waffle house in Rome, Georgia.

And they said, that's not possible.

You just left here a moment ago, but it was possible.

It was real.

End quote.

So apparently the two kids were asking questions in unison like a Shakespearean course like

a weird dynamic on that phone call.

So you're probably wondering now about the emotional content of Greg's magical travel.

I was wondering.

Well, he's got you covered.

He also added quote, teleporting is no fun.

Hmm, but why Greg?

You continuous is no fun because you don't really know what you're doing.

You don't really understand it.

It's scary, but yet, but so real.

And you know, it's happening, but you can't do anything about it.

And so you just go, you just go with the ride and wow, what an incredible adventure.

It all was a real one, yeah, a real one, my adventure, when I'm reflecting on the things

that actually happened to me, I often pause twice to reflect on how real they were and

felt.

Hey, guys, I'm going to buzz right here, a truth factor, 100%, I don't know what's

that.

But that is the factor.

It's a meta has a hand raised in the back.

Oh, no question.

In addition to the teleportation, Greg also did some magical flying.

Okay.

I mean, if you're doing superpowers, you know, but here's the thing, again, he doesn't

have any flying powers of his own that might help with anything.

He was just driving one day, it was a day in Canada, you don't know the day.

And then all of a sudden, his truck got lifted up and carried through the air.

This lasted for about 40 miles, apparently, the odometer works while you're flying.

I don't know.

He just can tell miles, I don't know.

And he got taken from Albania, Georgia to a ditch.

Sounds weird, but the ditch, let me finish, was near a church, quite a coincidence in

Georgia, not a lot of churches around there.

He wondered at the time whether the source of the levitation and flying was evil or good.

And the answer remains unclear to him.

Cool.

So just to wrap up the story for anyone who's kind of tuning in, maybe a tuned out, playing

a phone game, the head of FEMA tells everyone it was magic when he drunk drives.

Yeah.

Sounds like to me.

So following the investigation that uncovered all the magic, CNN reached out to FEMA

with an email that said, approximate quote, in Ray Greg Phillips, the last son back

there.

What is the fuck you're doing over there at FEMA?

You start talking about Greg Phillips and I'll let you know if you have an answer to any

of my questions.

No, here's the official statement from FEMA in response.

This is an actual quote.

This is so silly, it's barely worth acknowledging DHS, FEMA and Mr. Phillips are focused

on the critical mission of emergency management and ensuring the safety of the American people.

Many of the comments cited are taken out of context or represent personal, informal,

jovial and somewhat spiritual discussions made in the context of barely surviving cancer

in a private capacity prior to his current role.

And excuse me, quote, private capacity and public.

Okay.

Sorry.

It was out of context.

Yeah.

Yeah.

First of all, no, it wasn't.

Right.

But let's pretend it was and grant the premise what the fuck context would make.

I floated to the air for 40 miles and teleported to a waffle house reasonable.

People often ask me, Greg, what things could you say on this podcast that would disqualify

you from all the standards of sharp scissors?

Well.

I said no questions.

So maybe the answer to that context is congressional hearing.

I would like one.

Hopefully yes, because Greg with three Gs who thinks he can teleport is testifying before

US Congress this week.

I'm going to repeat that.

The guy who claims he can teleport is speaking to US Congress.

The hearing is for the House Homeland Security Committee regarding the DHS being shut

down sort of because Republicans have to have a team of Jaggwood, a thugs and masks

hunting down brown people have to have it getting rid of that.

Obviously.

Yeah.

We'll see what Greg has to say about his very serious job.

But hopefully we get at least one question about the teleportation.

We will report back next time if any crucial details about teleportation get revealed.

Or if he teleports out mid to hearing, right?

That's still going to happen.

And click before any of us get non-consensually bumped to a waffle house, we're going to

wrap the headlines there.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always, and when we come back, we'll see if Roundhouse Kicks can

reach you from beyond the grave night.

Some days the only thing that keeps good hearted Americans going from day to day is the

sure knowledge that people in their 80s die all the fucking time, which we're reminded

of again.

And this week's son of a bituary, just manifesting something.

Yep.

Yep.

Please do.

I really want to follow up with another one next week, nothing.

So this week we're going to be celebrating the demise of action, icon and conservative maga

pieces, shit, Chuck Norris, who despite being an absolutely shitty human being in all the

measurable ways probably still has quite a few crossover fans with our audience.

So I get it.

I write, I'm sorry, because I love cheesy stupid action movies and cast.

I don't necessarily love the ones with Chuck Norris in them, but like John Claude Van Damme

endorsed Trump.

And I'm going to still be sad when he dies.

Sorry, wait, Googling, yes, he is still alive.

So yeah, so points to say, okay, good, good to know.

Yeah, the only real downside Chuck Norris dying is not seeing him fight Van Damme at the

Cumentay on the White House lawn that we're having for the 250th birthday of our delightful

country.

So I mean, like somebody needs to represent the fighting style called Stan Still while

I roundhouse kick you in the face and no, no Chuck can't do it.

Andrew Tate.

Oh, sorry.

You didn't do the kicking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So Carlos Ray Norris was born in 1940 and the only Ryan Worst in the airline, Ryan O'Kla

Homa.

And he was such an insufferable tactical water flask jackass of a white guy that the two

paragraph long early life portion of his Wikipedia entry mentions his father's quote, distant

Cherokee roots and quote, okay, just real quick, sorry to grind things to halt.

My amazing new leather belt does have a tactical water flask and people are going to be confused

by what he said.

No saying it's bad in the context of Chuck Norris.

Yeah.

Exactly.

A lot of crosses.

It's awesome.

It's not a water flask.

Please help us.

You can put whatever you want in it.

Oh, yeah.

That's what they have to let you.

So little Carlos was a shy kid.

He didn't sports well.

He didn't smarts well.

And he was desperately introverted through his childhood.

His parents were divorced by the time he was 16 and his dad was an occasionally employed

alcoholic.

Oh, occasionally employed dad.

Well, Lonnie, frickin' dumb must be nice.

Like really worried everybody really, really, please.

So Carlos wouldn't earn the moniker Chuck until he joined the Air Force in 1958 and presumably

got picked on for having a Mexican name or something.

I don't know.

He spent most of his Air Force career stationed in South Korea and it was here that he started

studying Tang sudo.

Okay.

And if Chuck was alive today, he would be telling you about his grandmaster of Tang sudo

while you're cornered at a party, but alas, he's gone.

I'll have to do it for him.

For everyone who's not a karate pervert, here's the description of Tang sudo, straight from

tangsudo.com.

Well, they know what they're talking about.

They did.

You would assume.

Quote.

Tang sudo is a traditional Korean martial art combining Okinawan karate or karate, Taekwondo

like kicks, Eli, and Chinese internal assault movements, founded in 1945 by grandmaster

Huang Kyi.

It emphasizes discipline, mental and physical fitness.

The uniform is called a dobac.

And practitioners focus on techniques like kicking, punching, and forms aiming for a peaceful

life.

A peaceful life with a lot of kicking and pushing.

Yeah.

All right.

Craig, your kicks and punches suck, but you live in a cabin in the woods by yourself and

seem to have a pretty peaceful life.

So here's your brown belt again, so weird that we see tactical brown belts, such differentiating

factors.

Sometimes you got to escalate to de-escalate, that's what I learned this week from the Trump

administration.

There you go.

So by 1962, he was discharged from the Air Force and decided to become a cop.

He also opened a martial art studio and started professionally encouraging people to come

at him like this.

I know you've been guilty of failing to show the martial arts their proper respect on

this show.

So I want to be clear that there were parts of this man's 70s where I'm absolutely

sure he could have kicked my ass.

Or all three of our asses at the same time.

But given the knowledge of recent American history, I'm willing to bet that the success

of his chain of karate schools had less to do with him winning the karate triple crown

in 1969, and a lot more to do with American's excitement to learn karate without having

to talk to a Chinese.

Also, he was good at like 1970s karate, I feel like I could have kissed a black guy on

the mouth and melted the eyes out of his skull.

Okay, so the inquisitive listener at home is probably wondering all about that triple

crown.

I was wondering about that.

So in Major League Baseball, the triple crown, how many horses did he fight?

Yeah.

Major League Baseball, the triple crown is awarded for those rare players who lead the

league in homeruns, RBI's and batting average.

In horse racing, it's awarded for winning the Kentucky Derby, the Prickness, and the Belmont

Stakes.

And for karate, according to Wikipedia, via Chuck's 1975 book called Winning Tournament

Karate, the triple crown is for most tournament wins of the year and of list.

That's just the one thing, but you, you get three crowns, that's nice as a prize.

So the guy who enters the most karate tournament, so that's it.

But for whatever reason, his chain of schools did take off and he became karate master to

the star, boasting Steve McQueen, Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley, and Donnie and Marie Osmond

among his students.

So if you were ever wondering how it was that Donnie Osmond and Priscilla Presley kicked

so much ass, now you know, man, Donnie and Marie are really dedicated to practicing their

grappling.

Well, good for those kids, but no celebrity friendship benefited Chuck more than his relationship

with martial arts legend Bruce Lee.

By the time they met Bruce Lee, already had an impressive filmography in Hong Kong and

was well known in the US through his role as Batman's buddies sidekick Kato on the far

two short running Green Hornet TV series.

And it was Bruce who gave Chuck his big Hollywood break, casting him as one of the main villains

of the 1972 classic The Way of the Dragon, which to a degree that he must have remained

consciously aware of through his entire career, it was the best movie he would ever have

any part in.

Sidekicks was pretty awesome, but yeah, no, probably accurate, but before I make a final

call on that for myself, I'll need to see the upcoming Australian feature, zombie plane

feature.

Yes.

Final acting performance alongside Thespian rapper vanilla ice.

And I will probably need to do a podcast all about that then we'll know for sure.

Okay.

So 550 episodes and we're just doing great movies.

Well, we're allowed to do a great movie.

Okay, so now I would argue that Chuck Norris has the least impressive filmography of any

actor whose name everybody knows.

I'm willing to bet good money to bad donors that most of the people listening to this show

have never seen a Chuck Norris movie unless you count cameos.

And if you really want to know how sad his career is, you need to look no further than

the subheadings in his Wikipedia bio because despite a 52 year film career that spanned from

1972 to 2024, unless you count the zombie thing, Wikipedia subheading for mainstream success

only spans from 1984 to 1989, rough.

Yeah, then it downgrades to subsequent success from 1990 through 1999, okay.

And then he levels down to subsequent films and internet fame.

But even that only lasts to 25, rather, after that, it's just later works.

From the final two decades of your film career have the heading palliative care, that's

not great.

Also, Wikipedia quickly bans the person who made that edit is what I would have heard.

Oh, damn.

Now I don't want to dwell on his movie career here because as much as the only thing that

he contributed to the world, it's not very funny to talk about except for the fact that

literally nothing he ever did reached a seven or better on IMDB except for way of the

dragon and a TV show, he had a cameo on one episode of and the fact that eight of the

final 18 of his IMDB credits are WBK bank commercials and four of the other 10 are commercials

for United Healthcare Toyota Tacoma's Dodge Rams and right guard says an awful lot.

Probably having a chuckle in the afterlife with the United Healthcare CEO guy.

So what you wanted to do is you wanted to block and block the bullet, you got to get

inside his guard.

Yeah, it's on me.

He'd get out of heaven.

But of course, the real reason that we're talking about him is that in addition to advertising

for right guard, he was also quite the spokesman for right guard because in addition to being

an international martial arts superstar, he was also a big old big it.

He was an outspoken Christian, which is just another way of saying big old big it.

We heard you.

Yeah.

And oh, hey, if you want another synonym for big old big it, he was also a staunch conservative.

After the release of his 1984 film missing an action, he declared himself, quote, a conservative,

a flag waiver and a big Ronald Reagan fan and quote, man, remember when horrible people

were big Ronald Reagan fans, that was the best, that was the best.

Fun fact though, about very important cinematic history, missing an action came out in November

of 84 and then missing an action to came out in March of 85 just before Rambo 2 was about

to release.

So they were clearly glomming off the success and artistic vision of the much more serious

Rambo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

First one was serious.

Okay.

So by the early 90s, he was already forcibly retired from Hollywood.

So he turned to the small screen and began the role he's best known for in the overripe

and cheese of a television program Walker Texas Ranger in which he played a man so bad

asked that bears knew better than to fuck with him.

Seriously, there is a scene from that show where he stares down the bear that's about

to attack him and the bear thinks better of it.

All right.

This guy staring at me, he's got a super rapie vibe.

I'm going to take off.

I know.

Run into a guy like this.

No, this is terrible.

Fucking Reagan fan.

Wait, a bunch of people online need to talk about us in a way that is neither useful

nor honest.

Yeah.

But of course.

But of course, the most significant thing that ever happened to his career was when

the internet adopted him as a punchline for jokes about bad assery Chuck Norris facts

started populating the internet in the mid aughts or apparently as early as the 80s.

If you listen to him on vinyl and they had him seasoning his meat with pepper spray,

parallel parking trains and dribbling bowling balls until that bit was co-opted by Mexican

beer brands with no creativity and podcasters thanking their patrons with a lot of creativity.

Actually, it's just really hard every week.

Yeah.

Not for nothing.

If you give us money at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, you actually can cause a pregnancy

by pointing at a belly and saying, boo, yeah, that one, that's a real thing.

You get that.

But unsatisfied with his new career as a punchline, Norris delved ever further into the political

world.

He'd been an outspoken homophobic for a while, but as with so many aspiring American

bigots, his activism really bubbled over about the time it looked like a black man might

become president.

Huh.

Yeah.

In 2008, Norris was the first big name in Hollywood to come out in favor of California's

proposition eight, which would have banned same-sex marriage if the state courts had allowed

it.

He also endorsed the far less successful Mike Huckabee in 2008 who didn't even make it

as far as the courts.

Yeah.

Well, that's because he was busy raising the perfect comedy foil in his dog.

No, that's right.

I was worried about the next generation, but of course, Obama did become president.

So Norris shifted gears to birtherism.

He was among the loudest conservative voices demanding Obama's long-form birth certificate

and when Obama ultimately tracked that down, Norris and all the other berthers just moved

on to a different conspiracy theory.

In 2011, he released a five-part investigation about the quote infiltration of sharia law

into United States culture end quote, which was published on world net daily.

He would remain a regular contributor to world net daily until he died.

Cool.

Yeah.

He said it's part of the obituary for everyone who ever writes for world net daily.

Yeah.

Also listed as the cause of death, but eventually Chuck found a pet conspiracy theory that

allowed him to marry as hatred of Obama and his homophobia, which was legal by then whether

he liked it or not.

When the boy scouts voted to overturn their long-standing ban on gay scouts and leaders, Norris

denounced them and claimed that Obama had secretly paid them off.

Nice classic Obama nicely done.

And now we wait.

Now who's afraid of running into a bear in the woods, but of course, as 2012 rolled around

and Obama looked poised for re-election, Norris kicked his bigotry into high gear.

He and his wife famously released a video warning that if we re-elected Obama, America

would have a thousand years of darkness and quote, our country as we know it may be lost

forever.

End quote.

And yes, he's like probably technically right, but only in so much as people like him would

get so pissed about it that they would burn the presidency to the ground rather than

let a black guy have it again.

Yeah.

If Skynet predicts judgment day on judgment day eve, it's not really that impressive.

You just fired the nukes that you took over.

That's nothing.

Also, there's no money for you to have won on polymarket, man.

Yeah.

This is not, this doesn't make any sense.

So Norris's penchant for bigoted endorsements that would go on to lose would eventually

and inevitably lead him to one Roy Moore in 2017.

You remember him for getting himself elected to Alabama Supreme Court twice and getting

removed for ethic violations, both times once over an illegal ten commandments monument

the other time over gay marriage.

Well, with pretty much nothing but that on his resume, he decided to run for Alabama's

open senate seat, the special election and yours.

Yeah.

Well, Norris was one of his first celebrity endorsers.

And then it immediately came out that Moore was a pedophile and a molester and all around

sick fuck at which time Norris did not recent his endorsement.

Come on, man, really dug it in your heels.

Oh, god.

Oh, damn, the torpedoes in for a petty in for a pound because if you're reading this week's

episode, you are loving he's loving it.

Yeah.

This one's a good read and fearing that perhaps there were some scathing atheist listeners

that wouldn't hate him enough by this point in the segment in 2022, Chuck decided he wanted

to make paltrow money.

So he started a wellness brand called and yes, this is the name I'd be giving it if I made

it up.

But that doesn't mean I made it up round house provisions, it makes something called morning

kick.

Yeah.

And it specializes in healthy, prepper buckets, but also supplements because why the fuck

not?

Okay.

Well, obviously I checked out roundhouse provisions.com, obviously.

And the landing page says freedom, family, fitness, faith, fight.

We are deeply saddened by the passing of Chuck Norris and right below that, there's a

link to buy their supplements that were marketed by Chuck Norris as the way to stay healthy

and strong in your 80s.

Oh, no.

Well, he died harder than anybody else.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I had to shit out of that.

But despite what the internet jokes would have you believe he did turn out to be mortal.

He died in his home in Hawaii on the 19th of this month.

He's family said he was at peace, but I like to think that his final thoughts were that

if no illusions were compiling a list of the hundred greatest martial arts films ever

made, which dear listeners is something no one might do at any moment may have already

done.

In fact, but if I were making one, Chuck Norris would only show up on it once and he'd

be getting his ass kicked by Bruce Lee or maybe Vanilla, oh, yeah, right, no, I keep

prejudicing the experiment here.

I would that in mind, we're going to wrap up there and look forward to a day and perhaps

the very near future, but we'll have one of these segments that takes up the whole goddamn

episode and probably has its own song.

Looking at you, Bill, down to here, that's not who I was thinking of before we give you

back your earbuds.

I want to let you know that if you were on the fence about coming to our San Francisco

live show next weekend, get the fuck off the fence on the side of going.

We are doing Malania and if I am watching that piece of shit movie for you, the least

you could do is come watch me talk about it.

Check the show notes, got off of movies lives.com anyway, that's all the blast when we've

got for you tonight, but we're back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, being a look up for a brand new episode of our sister shows

hot friend got off on movies day, being at seven of me eastern on Tuesday and an even

newer episode of a half star shows at decent needed day, being at noon eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I want to thank he then right for always playing along Eli Bosley for always

playing through and lose send illusions for playing stuff I'm not allowed to talk to

about.

I also need to offer a huge thanks to everybody who recommended the dungeon crawler carl

books.

I'm only one book in and I'm already in love also want to thank will for providing this

week's far as worth quote and forgive me for being a little more terrified in every waking

moment after hearing it.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most awesome anthropods, decom

devil gentler Ray Justin Jackson, Ian bunker conquer and crystal decom gentler and ray whose

IQs are so high numbers haven't gotten there yet.

Justin Jackson and Ian who are carrying around such a big pair of stone cissophists feel

sorry for them and bunker conquering crystal are so hot they can only smoke from both ends

at once together these eight habitually heavenly heathens helped hone our hatred for hostility

to head think in this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to do that.

All the less now that a toddler with anger management issues is in charge of the global

economy.

But if you somehow still do, you can make a per episode donation patreon dot com slash

scathing atheist or by your own early access to an extended and free version of every

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Or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side

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by leaving a five-star review telling a friend about the show and following us on social

media and speaking of social media Tim Roberts handles that for us and our audio engineer

is Morgan Thurk who also wrote all the music that was using this episode which was

used with permission.

If you have questions, comments or death rates you'll find all the contact info on the

contact page at scathing atheist.com.

So the narrative that the Vatican was kind of trying to subtly, what did I say, the

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This content is canned credentialed which means you can report instances of harassment

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all rights reserved.

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And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence is changing

the business world and our lives.

So each week on big technology, I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech

and outsiders trying to influence it, asking where this is all going.

They come from places like Nvidia, Microsoft, Amazon and plenty more.

So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices, and meetings with your

colleagues and at dinner parties, listen to big technology podcast wherever you get your

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