652: Tape Measure

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Then something wrapped around my hand, being drunk, I just knew that it was my intestine.

What the fuck?

Welcome to the podcast, Sniper.

This is not for radio, myself, Duncan Hyde.

There's Jay Reeve over there.

Cautionist podcast contains some swearing and I would say this is the gnarliest emotional

rollercoaster of a podcast episode we've done in quite some time.

The war story that Duncan dishes out at the end is just a fucking rattler and yet again

just shows the tenacity of the South African race.

Like they are just a different kind of fish.

We also have a very, very, very long form chat with a good friend of ours, Kelsey Wagwan,

who was part of the Fakhari White Island eruption.

She was a tour guide on that.

We'll go into more detail and sort of fill up the gaps for you.

Volcanic eruption.

Yeah.

It was fucking gnarly.

And we start things off with a chat to them reigned.

Who raw?

Can I just put a call out there too?

As always, you can send us a story or a voice memo or whatever link in the episode notes.

But if you are in one of the armed forces and you do want to send this one, just chuck

anonymous.

Yeah, we're here for it.

Yeah, we understand you can get in a lot of trouble for telling us certain yarns.

But we also understand you've got some of the fucking greatest yarns.

We also understand that if you're in the States, you're about to get pretty fucking busy

by the looks of things that's going on.

Yeah, man, that's so hectic.

Okay.

If you are on that sub that sunk that Iranian ship that was out over in the international

wars, first submarine attack since World War Two.

Really?

Yeah.

Huh.

Knock.

Guess who's here?

Knock that ship anymore.

Yeah.

Kaplunked.

That's, now they watch.

I've got mates in Dubai and shits teen off started to tee off there.

Like I think it was a USC embassy that got hurt.

Yeah.

And so the pictures I got seen.

This one was actually a mates mate, but it was, she's done it.

She's in a high rise in Dubai.

That's where she lives.

And she was like, it's nice out.

The captain was, it's nice out, but there's also bombs out.

Calculated risk.

I'll get a quick tan.

And she's out there in a bikini.

And she can see fuck shit whizzling through the sky in the background.

It's fucking, it literally feels like we're in some sim.

Like it's that fucked.

Yeah.

I think fuck for a podcast like this where you can escape it.

Let's stop talking about stupid stuff.

No, that's a lie.

That's all I like I said.

It's a emotional rollercoaster this episode.

You got a bloody lover.

And we appreciate you for choosing us one skin.

The best way to support us is to become sniper elite, unlock the ad free episode.

A few hundred extra ones in their first crack at prizes.

Do it through supporting cast and we'll see you to the Rover website.

That's what works out best for us.

It'll be amazing.

And she and episode of the mate go well, go long and enjoy the potty.

Attention snipers, gear up and hold your positions.

It's time to load up some war stories.

Your tails from the front line brought to life, prepared to fire.

So this one is yet another, another glorious, glorious war story from somebody that's actually

in the military.

And this I mean, I love it more than anything else, the way that all the different militaries

and you know, like whether it be Air Force or Navy or any like fucking tank crews and

you know, like the and crunchers.

Whatever.

We've got the whole lot.

It's fucking awesome.

So this one here is from anonymous, I'm guessing because it's relatively probably fresh.

So I served as a US Marine fresh out of high school, went to boot camp in Paris Island,

South Carolina, platoon 3 001, muddy Mike.

At the end of every day, we would have to stand on a line in front of our bunk beds,

AKA racks with nothing but a towel on so the drill instructors couldn't expect our hygiene.

Pretty standard and very fucking awkward for a bunch of manly men such as ourselves.

Eyes across from a recruit, private Ryan, hand to God, that was his actual fucking name.

So why leave it out?

And on this particular day, his how decided, fuck it.

I don't want to hang around anymore and falls to the floor.

Part of being a recruit is learning bearing and not moving or looking away, etc.

So here I am being forced to essentially look at this dude's hog.

He gets even fucking wilder because there's a fun cue.

He starts helicoptering it and gyrating his hips like he's in fucking Rio for spring break.

I should also mention that we had a brand new instructor fresh from the Academy on deck for the evening.

He is what's referred to as a kill hat that the absolute fucking meanest of the mean.

He walks right by us, stops, does a left face and looks Ryan dead in his eyes and asks,

what in the actual fuck are you doing?

Hellicup, sir.

Hellicup, Ryan, who has not stopped moving his hips to a Shakira song and his head probably

replies without messing a beat.

Sir, this recruit is gyrating, sir.

I could only see the back of the druth instructor's head,

but I could imagine the look of metaphorically being slapped in the face.

And also the confusion of not knowing how to respond to such a moment as this.

He regains himself and replies with a slight hint of uncertainty.

Very well, carry on.

And proceeds to face right and continue walking down the squad bay.

I'm literally choking on my fucking tongue from laughing as hard as I was in that moment.

We graduated bootcamp and he admitted that he couldn't believe that he'd just kept going.

Needless to say, it is a memory that'll always make me laugh,

but also, who wants my dreams?

Semper-fi devil pups.

Semper-fi devil pups.

Isn't it weird that I thought the drill sergeant was just going to give him,

you know, like bull tag when you're doing like the flick?

I thought he was just going to get out of here.

I thought he was going to better the fuck out of him.

Just judo choppers, knob.

judo chop.

Do you want just fucking grabbing?

Squeeze.

Can you say the line again?

Can you say the line again?

Then he replied with a push just made.

Probably the only US Marines that even do that.

What in the actual fuck are you doing?

Sir, this recruit is gyrating, sir.

Oh, fuck, it's so good.

Water ledge.

Oh, man.

judo and I saw him on the way here.

And this must fall like, oh, by the way, I've got to say,

it had a message from George, who's a sniper elite.

Yeah.

One of the top brass.

He said,

Cheers, George.

Guess what, mate?

A new sniper has been born.

Send me a picture of this beautiful baby girl.

Name Izzy.

Izzy.

Yeah, and mum Catherine did a great job,

but he also says I was playing the podcast

until push time when I was swiftly told to tune you.

You guys off.

So well done to George and Catherine.

And baby Izzy, which is awesome.

Congratulations, George Boy.

Another little sex trophy for the cabinet.

Yeah.

First one possibly.

Didn't say George's, um,

yeah, we messaged quite a bit on Instagram too.

Good shit.

Yeah, pretty magic stuff.

This life, if it's the first one,

that's some friggin life changing stuff.

The other thing I just started saying,

let's have a look at this.

I, Paul, I've just been to BYD,

is grabbing something from those guys.

And then a motorbike we passed,

and I was like,

whoop,

definitely not going to pull it in front of that,

because that's a police officer on a motorbike.

And then I pulled him behind it,

and I was like, hang on a minute.

That's not a police officer,

but it was wearing a hiver's.

It's the guy that fucking,

and it says ride fucking B-polite,

or is his B-polite?

Says polite instead of police.

Yeah.

And then it says, notice, think bike.

Yeah.

That's got to be real close to impersonating a police officer.

Yeah, but he turned up a motor, social, a bunch of times.

Not a bad bloke.

A very, obviously, does it for that reaction.

But his head, like the cops come up to him,

the bike cops come up to him all the time.

And he rides a very similar bike,

which has the same sort of,

but instead of it being blue and yellow,

it's black and yellow or something.

Nah, has one's, he was on a maroon,

like sort of semi-off-road bike thing.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you know, we call those ones a good cross-country.

But yeah, the police are going to give a fuck

if people see someone on a bike like that and slow down.

The undercover bike cops are the fucking sneakiest.

I've never seen one.

Oh, man.

What are they right?

They're on B-rolls.

No, no, no, no, you fuck.

They had to be a stitch-up.

They ride the same, the same cop bikes as they do here,

whatever those are, the B-mas or those Hondas.

And they, it was blue,

were the one that I fucking passed.

Crazy.

Yeah.

You know, in the only way you can spot them

is they have it, they've got the belt on,

and you can see the yellow tays are on the hips.

So when you're coming up behind them,

you can see that that's what they've got.

And the funniest part was, you know, I make Craig the copper.

Mm-hmm.

I haven't talked to him in so long.

Yeah, I see him quite a bit.

He's just, he's still at the road.

Yeah.

He's running this fucking mess at anyway.

I won't give away too much stuff.

But anyway, he's, he was like,

have a go at this fucking cheeky prick.

So the fucking tays are on his back

because he was unaware that they were undercover

black cops.

So he followed this cop for ages

and was basically running the plate on it.

And because it was such a new bike,

it hadn't been put into the system as,

because remember, it was down at the,

I'm right for everything, down in Wellington.

And they said that it was going to come up to Auckland.

But anyway, so he followed this thing,

he said to fucking run this guy on the road and tays him.

But I said to him, one of his co-workers.

Oh, that's too good.

Yeah, that is too good.

Sneaky though.

Okay, let me mention the start of the episode.

This episodes kind of a spicy one.

It's a story that needs to be told.

And we have been catching up with the lovely Kelsey on and off

ever since this happened.

I think we're sending her a couple of gigs and stuff.

And she's a massive fan of rock music.

Came through rock 2000 a couple of times.

We've been trying to get her up on stage,

but she's a bit of a reluctant hero.

So we'll give you a little bit of background on her story.

We'll play, we're going to play a news report

after the volcanic eruption.

A volcano has erupted in New Zealand

with a hundred people in the vicinity,

leaving some unaccounted for,

according to the Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.

Terrace we're seeing walking inside the rim of the white

island crater, just moments before the eruption

and it's feared there have been injuries.

White Island or Wakari is an island volcano

off the coast of New Zealand's North Island

and is one of New Zealand's most active volcanoes.

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern spoke a short time ago.

At this stage, and please do keep in mind,

this is an evolving situation,

but at this stage we believe around 100 people

were on or around the island at the time

and some of those at this stage are unaccounted for.

A number of people are reportedly injured

and are being transported to shore.

Police are urging members of the public

to avoid the Fakitane Heds and Murui Road areas.

Murui Road is closed from Harvey Street.

I do want to just again share this is evolving.

At this stage obviously does appear to be a very significant

issue, particularly the scale of those affected at this stage.

A joint press conference will be held at 5.30

between the National Emergency Management Agency

and the police.

They will be able at that stage to provide you with

greater detail in what is very much an evolving situation,

but of course I'm sure all our thoughts are with those

affected at this stage.

So to add to it, there was a cruise ship that was in Mt Manganoi,

which is not far, which is my hometown,

not far from where at White Island is.

So Fakadi White Island is off Fakitane,

which is part of the East Coast of the North Island of New Zealand.

Not too far offshore, incredible fishing in and around it.

It's amazing and it's been an active volcano forever.

From my parents' place, you can look at their window

and you can see it below in Smokin's team and it has been like that for ages.

So when this thing f**king popped,

because sometimes it's a little bit more aggressive than other times,

but this was definitely one completely out of the box, out of the blue.

Yeah, they had the crater lake because they measure the temperature and stuff.

There was no temperature rising on it.

There was no red flags whatsoever.

And so when it f**king blew, it wasn't like lava,

like you're thinking, Hawaii,

it was just f**king, scolding hot water and steam.

And that's what took a lot of people.

There are people on boats,

there are people that were running off and jumping into the ocean.

There are people that were just caught in f**king No Man's Land.

There was a helicopter which was basically just melted on the f**king thing.

Still there.

That's it. I'm pretty sure, yeah.

Well, back me sideways and call me Fred.

It's Jane Duncan, not for radio.

Well, today on the show, we're talking to someone whose life changed forever

on one of this country's darkest days.

Kelsey Waghorn was a tour guide on Fakadi White Island when it erupted in 2019.

She suffered severe burns,

survived to get some pretty insane odds and has been through years and years and years

of surgery, rehab and recovery ever since.

We wanted to talk to Kelsey, not just about what happened that day,

but about everything that's come after.

The physical and mental toll, how it's changed their life,

and what she wants New Zealand to actually learn from Fakadi,

the woman, the myth, the legend.

Kelsey Waghorn joins us right now.

How are you, doles?

Good. What an intro.

I want to be introred like that to every room I'll walk into now.

You know, that's actually quite a service we provide as we send that off to all of our guests.

You can just have that as the alarm clock and just get out of your life.

I've got that stitch here.

I'm good to go for another day.

Yeah, my list of demands.

I walk out and say, you need to play this when I walk out and everyone's like,

it's just going to be foaming from everywhere.

It's been a while since we've caught up.

I mean, we keep in contact over social media,

but how has your summer been?

And I know that last year in particular was a pretty interesting one for you.

Did you manage to get a little bit of decompression or is this book

just compounded everything even further?

Yeah, everything's gone about haywire now.

Most of the time, I don't know what day it is or where I am or who I am.

So it's quite a bit loopy.

And then it's like, I've forgotten how to talk to people because I've just spent

the last two years working with dogs.

So I just, everyone's just like, oh, you swear a lot.

I'm like, yeah, I work with dogs and I used to work with commercial fishermen.

And then, yeah, I live with a farmer and it's society.

All the wheels have come off, man.

I don't know how to like be in society anymore.

And then with the book, everyone's like, you go to all these interviews and I like,

don't swear, don't be yourself.

I'm like, oh, God.

So yeah, it's all been a bit mental.

And yeah, I'm hoping this year's a bit quieter or at least quieter than the last sort of

couple months, but I don't know.

I don't plan anything anymore.

I think just sort of happens.

And I just roll with it.

So hopefully there's decompression in my future, but we'll see.

Oh, right.

Take us back to the initial concept of writing the book.

I know that we spoke about it probably not long after, not long after the eruption.

And once you've sort of gotten out of hospital and you're going to all those things,

it's one of those things that's probably just get stacked further and further and further and

further in front of you.

We need to just must be going, I'd love to see a bit of daylight at the end of this and maybe

create a bit of space in between the incident and where we are now.

Was the book cathartic?

Or did it just bring it back on top of you like a ton of bricks?

I've been asked it a few times now whether it was cathartic.

And a lot of people have said that when they wrote their book, it was cathartic.

But I kind of got forced to do the work in the cathartism, I suppose.

Sort of through 2023, when sort of everything had gone real pear-shaped at the end of 2022.

So the book itself wasn't cathartic, but it was good to have everything in one place.

So in that sense, it's sort of like my external brain or diary is now fit for published.

So it's nice to have all that together.

But yeah, in terms of how it came about, I like, I got asked to publish a book in 2020.

So it was like a couple of months after the eruption that I would love to publish a book.

Oh my gosh.

He said, Brian, please say.

Yeah, it was just kind of like, oh, that's kind of you.

And sort of like just, yeah, sort of pushed it off.

I think because this thing's got darker.

It was like, I'm glad I pushed it off because I had quite a lot of office, which was really kind.

But yeah, it would have been a very, very different book if I'd done it earlier than now.

It would have been a very grim, dark book if I'd done it when I'd been asked the first few times.

And who I ended up going with, Harp Collins, I'm a very, very patient.

Like they did sort of throw their name in the hat quite early.

And they've just been very patient and weren't poshy.

And yeah, they just sort of waited until I was ready.

And then end of 20.

God, what year is it?

2026.

In 2024.

I really don't know what's going on.

They were like, all right, do you want to do this?

And I was like, all right, let's do it.

And they're like, okay, so normally what the time frame is.

And I was like, no, we're doing it on my time frame.

We're doing it in less than a year.

Because I don't want it looming over me.

And I'm like, oh, okay.

And so we just jammed it into like a few months and just like smashed it out.

Yeah.

So everyone's like, oh, I mean, that's going to work on this for years.

And I'm like, no, months.

It's a Kelsey way.

Hey, there's jamming in.

Can I just dumps a massive advocate for audio books?

I was wondering, is there an opportunity that you will be

having the book in audiobook form read by yourself,

possibly in a more natural Kelsey way, which we make it really appear

your classic off-farm fucking getting behind while I go.

That sort of approach.

There is an audiobook, but I had to kind of tame it back.

But the book apparently is very much in my tone,

very much in my voice, so that's good to hear.

Yeah, I recorded the audiobook in, oh, January, a couple of months ago.

And yeah, it was a really weird experience because you kind of think,

yeah, I can read, like I'm 30, I can read.

And then it's not like to be like sit there with a whole book and you're like,

fuck, I can't read.

And it's like, I can't read out loud.

I think it was like, who wrote this book?

The sentence is so long, I can't breathe.

And so then by before you guys, I was like, what is going on?

Oh my gosh.

How many hours were you in the book for?

It was four, five hour days in a row.

So I had like no voice by the end of it.

And for some reason, because I was in Auckland,

and I'm never in Auckland.

I booked in dinners with friends every night.

And I was just rooted by the end of it.

I was just like, yeah, I was so tired.

Like my throat hurt that people at the audiobook place

were just like bringing me hot honey,

just like literally liquefy the honey to just scowl that.

And I was just sitting in this tiny little black room

just like on my own, just like my own voice and like my own book.

And I was like, this is insane.

And it was a really, really weird experience.

And because like, I've spoken to you guys about the eruption.

I've spoken to heaps of people about the eruption.

Never had any like emotional reaction to it whatsoever.

For some reason, reading the book, I was sobbing.

So what do you folks just got me crying my way through it?

Yeah, and to that part was really hard.

And then the acknowledgments messed me up.

I saw my friend's name who died on the island

to hop out of the page.

And so like I just couldn't focus after that.

It was like, I saw Hayden.

And I was just like, okay, this is going to kill me.

And I was just like, just keep recording.

You're just going to have to stitch together whatever you can.

And so he was just like, okay.

And he said, do you want to take a break?

I'm like, no, I'm so scared.

I was just crying through it, sobbing.

And he's like, we're going to have to do that again.

I can't understand you.

And I'm like, oh no.

Just take the book and take it.

I'm not doing it again.

Yeah, I'm just like, I can read the book.

Like, I'm not doing it again.

Well, I actually wouldn't mind it.

A little bit of the flying of all pulling back the curtain.

They would be like very human.

You know, sometimes you need to listen to an audio book

or they've got an actor doing it or what he bit.

It doesn't feel as human.

Something I wanted to ask you was when,

with the book channel to you at length about the eruption,

and we'll put a link in the episode notes.

Because, you know, it's really hard to wrap your head around

for someone that hasn't been through that.

And you do an amazing job of explaining that.

But I remember we were talking to you,

maybe a couple of years back, and you were like,

I can't say everything that hasn't been through the courts.

And now, of course, it's been through the courts.

So did you get to put everything you wanted into the book?

And what was the sort of stuff that you were having to hold back?

No, so there's still a lot that I've not voiced.

A lot around the media side of things.

There is some stuff around the court case,

which I've not put in there,

because it would change the tone quite significantly.

And then it also puts me in a position

where I could get pulled into court.

So there is stuff that I could have said and didn't.

Even things that have happened.

And like people keep saying, you could write another book.

And I'm like, I know, but I don't want to.

Yeah, like there's just so much shit that could have gone in there

that we decided that, no, it would change the whole tone of things.

It changes the whole sort of trajectory of the book.

So we decided to just keep it sort of what it is.

So yeah, I mean, there's a lot in there that could have been

existed, like, yeah, built up on.

And yeah, it could have really ruined some lives.

From the media stuff, we are such of, I mean,

and I would say we, because we are,

one sitting behind a microphone.

So we are we.

It's such a vultureistic culture within media

of just the pushing to get a story

so that benefits the organisation that are working for

at any human cost.

And you can see it now with what's happening

in any war-torn country or any massive thing that's going on.

Did you feel like you were just being pulled in a million different directions

and folks friended and exploited for the benefit

of other organisations in any stage?

Is that kind of what you were talking about, or am I just miles off the mark

and a little conspiracy circle here?

No, no, you're being on.

And I think I talked about that really early on with you guys,

like one of those first ones.

Yeah, like I, yeah, it just felt like you were

barely like, you were just having strips torn off you

and people were just trying to take what they could

from you to just get anything like,

I have people that had made my life absolutely hell

before the eruption, all of a sudden, I'm on my best mates.

And it was just so just trying to get closer to the story.

And I learned it the hard way, unfortunately,

because I foolishly was very trusting.

I was like, oh, you've learned to listen.

And it was like, no, you've not learned anything.

So that was pretty brutal.

And then the media side of things was really nasty.

Also for my family, the me, because I, especially those early days,

like I was in a coma, I didn't know what was going on.

But like, they were calling mom while I was in a coma just to get a story.

They didn't even know if I was going to make it.

And media are calling them being like, oh, do you want to say something?

And it's like, no, of course not.

Like, apparently there was media, like,

journalists burning themselves on purpose to try and get into the

burns wards to try and find us?

People were putting on lab coats and pretending, like,

trying to like, slip through the locked doors, because my hospital was in lockdown.

We had people trying to say that they were friends or family to try and get into the ward.

There was some sick shit, man.

Like, and I spoke to someone about it.

And they're like, on what New Zealanders?

And I'm like, some of them were.

Some of them absolutely were New Zealanders.

So when New Zealand journalists after me,

and it was why I never spoke to anyone.

And so, like, I just didn't trust any of the media.

And so even with this whole book thing, they were like, okay,

now we'll talk about the media and January.

And I was like, you've read the book.

You know how I feel about this.

And so I had to hand break on the whole time while they're trying to be like,

what about these guys?

I'm like, no.

And they're like, what about these guys?

I'm like, no.

So it was real hard for half Collins to try and find sort of like a trajectory

where I was not comfortable, but sort of felt safer.

And so they were like, well, we're not doing the sort of salacious journalism.

Like, this is just telling your story.

And that's like a very different tone, obviously, now.

And I was like, yeah, but I'm not working with people that treated my family

like that in the early days.

And it was like, I'm not going to go on yet.

Yeah, so there's a few that are like blacklisted in my family.

And like, there's media outlets which we take everything we hear

from them with a grain of salt because we're like,

but how did you get that?

Where did you get that?

And so we've learned a hard way that yeah, unfortunately,

not all media can be trusted.

So it makes us sound like a family of conspiracy theorists.

We've learned from experience that, unfortunately,

there are some people that don't really have, I guess,

their hearts in the right places, or they're not doing it for the right reason,

they're just doing it for the story, and they're going to do it at any cost.

So yeah, you learn pretty quickly which ones you can trust and which ones you can't.

What's the level of visitation for you back out to the island of you?

Set foot on it.

Have you had a walk around of you gone out there with local media?

Yeah, I think I've been out there every year, I think.

I think I've been out there every year.

I can't remember now.

But yeah, I'm slowing over it.

I've been out by boat, not landed on it.

I'm pretty sure lightning won't strike twice,

but I've not game enough to find out.

So from the water, it's nice and safe, and it's like,

yeah, I can see enough from here.

But yeah, no, haven't stepped foot, but yeah,

I've been out there.

I think every year or more or less every year, which is cool.

It is an awesome spot, like it's a cool place.

It's amazing to feel like that, after this.

You know, that much here, we don't like not only physically, but mentally as well.

How are you mentally now?

Like how many hours of, you know,

psychs and stuff have you been to throughout the years,

or are you at peace with that, have you put it in a box,

or is it just like that something that's happened to me?

I'm happy to move on and shout,

fuck him, get him behind him, adults.

Oh, bit of Colomé Colomby.

Yeah, I'm good.

I am really good.

I currently write at this moment.

I'm exhausted.

I want to lie down and not speak to anyone for a week.

That's kind of the end goal, sort of, for a couple of weeks.

But yeah, no, I'm really good.

I don't really have major plans at this stage,

other than trying to find rest in between all the chaos.

But yeah, I am really good.

And it's, yeah, the best I've felt in years, possibly ever.

So that's really nice.

And yeah, second, a bit more out of life, which is nice.

So when to a concert on Friday, which was good,

that sort of reset things a little bit,

came back with a bit more life, which was nice.

So that was really neat.

What comes out?

Live at the domain.

So a good shout out, Harley Suspect.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm, we're about to see you, are you based in the base?

Still what's going to say?

Because if you are ever up and you want to have a break

and come and stay and be pampered by two punishing twins,

well, means less than I.

They are great in this sort of service at the moment.

So that's a pretty good, yeah.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah, I went, I don't know when I'm in Auckland next.

Probably, well, I don't know.

I have no idea.

I've checked my calendar.

But yeah, definitely I'll get in touch.

How about?

How was the rig, because last time I think we were chatting,

you're just getting some more stuff done on your hands.

What's the, what are the pain points on the carcass?

Pain points, pretty good.

The heat is pretty brutal.

The nerve pain comes back with heat.

And if I stand for a long time or exercise a lot,

then things get a bit weird.

But haven't had a surgery since 2023.

So that's pretty good going.

And that one ultimately was successful,

but I don't think a surgeon will touch me unless it's

absolutely necessary now, because it took eight.

My hand took eight weeks to close,

because it's just so damaged that it just didn't heal very well.

So I've got some sort of kiloid scarring and stuff,

which I didn't have until the surgery.

So yeah, unless it's absolutely dire,

I don't think the surgeons will touch me anymore,

because they decide, this is good enough when your body's done.

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Ross Clies last.

I will, we will let you actually get some rest now.

And like with the offer is always there an open invitation

to to come stay and catch up or whatever is relaxing for you.

And really looking forward to getting into the book,

because obviously there's stuff that we,

I mean, we've probably covered it here to tell,

but just to hear it probably in your own words and more in depth

without you having to be the one dragged through it face to face would be kind of nice.

Yeah, yeah, it's nice to sort of have it done in my way,

in my words and have that full control over it,

which I think was what sort of got me across the line with the book as well,

is it just felt like the safest way to do it, which is good.

It feels like like when the explosion happens,

and I was reading one of the interviews you had,

do you like it was actually relatively silent?

It feels like when you're watching one of the avalanches

come down the side of a mountain and it's like closer, closer,

oh fuck, yeah.

Well, it's the same sort of thing, right?

Yeah, no, it's still like I know what happened.

I'm not under no illusion that it happened,

but Jesus, like to see it, like to see the videos and the photos and know the stats of

the likelihood of surviving something like that is just like,

it's so far removed, it's just the weirdest thing ever,

and even just like writing it all down in the book.

And it's just like, I can't believe all the shit that I've been through,

and I did all that before I was 25, and it was just like,

that's ridiculous.

It's amazing. I'm here at all, and it was just like,

what the fuck, I don't know all this other stuff.

I'm like, I know, that's why everyone keeps saying,

write a book, it's because I've got enough to write a book with.

I think there's no second.

I'm like, God, oh, there's not enough for a second.

Maybe now's the time to move over to my beta gun work on the super yachts

and get bogged up by a whole bunch of rich football players.

Yeah, I reckon it's probably an A.

Just, it's Clyde.

I think Jay Reed could ran out of interview with something like that.

I apologize if I was fast.

I wouldn't normally do this mic off, but I'm not in the studio.

We love you to be able to catch up with us as always.

You're a star.

And anytime, anytime.

What a refreshing cup of, not for radio, with Jay and Doug.

We should get not for radio mugs, mate.

We are a couple of fucking mugs.

So, yeah, that's the lovely Kelsey Weikorn.

I could fucking talk to her all day.

She's just so nice.

Yeah, she's lovely.

So get out there and support Luckinson.

We haven't had the chance to read it.

We're going to get sent copies early, but I mean,

you know, in me, mate, I'm going to listen to it, not read it.

And she reads it, which is, as you're in the chat,

that would be, I hope that they,

I hope they left the shake in the voice.

I hope they left the emotion in it,

so that it can actually be sort of carried across, you know.

When you have the author of a book like that,

read it, it's so much more powerful.

Yeah.

How fucking good is listening to the Matthew McConaughey?

So green lights.

So green lights.

If you haven't read Green Lights, it's awesome.

One of the all-time great books.

Another one, Josh Braulins one.

All right, yeah.

He does, was it fucking from under the bus or something?

Yes, which is, I didn't actually, like, I know who he is

when you shove photo of him, but when you said Josh Braul

in the first time, I was like,

I think I know, maybe, and then I saw him.

I was like, oh, yeah, that guy.

But he's an amazing actor, but he's like,

yeah, he has lived the life of 100 men.

Yeah.

He's, yeah, he's fucking cool.

He's got some cool shit too.

Right.

We've got a bike that I want too.

That doesn't surprise me.

Yeah, he's getting literally, when it was done,

I was like, fuck, that's a bike.

And I was chatting to the guy from Wisco Speed about that bike

and then he goes, oh, it's gone.

And I was like, ah, fucking, and popped up and he had it.

And I was like, fuck, oh, shit.

That's karma for when you hang on.

What are you going to put this on?

Well, I'm just sort of thinking there.

No, it's, I'll go with it.

It's karma for when you fuck Jared Leder from 36.

The Mars Missors.

Well, you know, the world works in funny ways.

It's all sort of got to even out.

You miss out on a motorbike.

And you rode somebody else's fun ride.

Snipers, reload.

Another war story incoming.

Eyes on target.

Scopes dialed in.

Let's see who hits the mark.

See, when you put it like that,

I guess you're right.

Hey, allegedly.

Allegedly.

So here's my war story for today.

Uh, Jack Otto from South Africa.

When I was a student,

we played a drinking game,

the garden with my oldest brother

and his good-looking female friends.

Of course, they teamed up with me

and I must have drank half a bottle of Mampua.

I think it's called 65% ABV local South African drink.

I did not feel too well.

My stomach started to rumble and bubble

instead of having my ass vomit in front of the eye,

games good judgment,

entered my classic mini and headed to my mate's house.

That is terrible judgment.

Can't, like, let's say,

you could drink half,

and I'm not saying do this,

because obviously we don't want to,

you know, we don't even encourage this.

But if you drink half bottle of spirits

and then quickly jump your car and drove somewhere,

would you be toxic or illegal?

What's that?

15 minutes.

15 minutes.

Benny Boy knows.

He knows.

As our, what we do without you,

a designated DJ and diesel weasel.

When we like to roll around in the gray area,

we can look for guidance from Benny Boy.

You should just call him Primer.

Can I just say it?

Legally you've got 15 minutes.

Primer.

Frantically knocking on his door,

he finally let me in.

I said I needed the toilet now,

and he pointed me in the right direction.

I just made it sweetening,

a cramping, a volcano,

erupted into a warm spewing liquid.

Now, not being able to breathe from the stench,

I started to wipe my rear end.

Then something wrapped around my hand,

been drunk.

I just knew that it was my intestine.

What the fuck?

No.

I thought he was going to say a snake.

What the fuck?

He shatters and he stands out.

Oh my god, he just cries.

It took a turn.

You say cook it in the not for radio,

or a war story kitchen?

That made me feel like fire in the kitchen here.

I just instantly had my hands start sweating.

I feel cold.

Okay.

Then something wrapped around my hand,

been drunk.

I just knew this was my intestine,

panicked sedent.

I thought, let me roll the intestine up

and head to the doctor.

How fucking much intestine came out?

I mean, to hold myself,

perhaps it's a sinew from last night's bright barbecue.

I would be, it would be embarrassing

arriving at the doctor,

full of shit with a sinew hanging out of my ass.

Must be top of sausage or something.

Well, a sinew is like what's in muscles.

Oh, okay.

Muscle sinew, okay.

I tagged at it.

It felt like it was attached to my heart.

Oh, fuck, man.

I was now in a serious drunken panic.

I made the decision to keep pulling.

I made the decision to keep pulling and pulling

until almost two meters.

Exited my fragile, violated ass.

I stood up while I was holding the end of this thing

which was now smelling like shit.

It was a tape worm.

Oh, fuck.

That muscle died from the shots that I had.

I'm still proud of my own courage that day.

And I feel like I became a man.

Oh, fucking.

What a rollercoaster.

The end fate of black.

Jesus, see fucking Christ.

He had a two-metre long tape worm

in his body because he fucking torched

with South African purse.

He didn't know what he was wrapping his own guts out.

What a fucking world.

You know what a card tone?

When there's somebody climbing up the rope

on the outside of a building,

someone cuts it at the top

and they quickly draw and grab it.

That's what he was doing in the toilet.

I was thinking like it.

Like a shitty magician is pulling fucking

just to get him in his sleeve.

Oh my gosh.

Walsers.

Well, this is the rollercoaster of North Radio.

And that's how we do it.

Have a great weekend.

I'm almost going to have my fucking

Putin-esque pasta.

I hope you can catch it there is

of the Melbourne Grand Prix's on this weekend.

And also the Supercars of the eras

former showboss Teagues is there with her team.

The walking shore T-W-WG racing team.

So if you can catch that over the weekend,

obviously the Wars are playing tonight too.

Yes.

Which is awesome.

Which would be, that would accept

to be Friday morning in the Northern Hemisphere.

Yeah.

Put that on while you're at work, maybe on the phone.

Opening game for the Wars and Vee the Chucks.

And also as well, I'm going to go have a punt

on the GGs on Saturday.

And so hopefully the winning streak can continue.

And I say streak, we've already had one win.

There's a flight, but I'm feeling really hot.

Like white hot even.

Yeah.

So you know, if I pull up in a McLaren or something on Monday,

you know, I've done scone well at the GGs.

I won't tell anybody, but there will be signs.

Have a great one.

Go well.

Go long.

And up the Wars tonight.

Tonight.

Like not too far away from there.

You'll beauty.

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