5 Signs you're too self-critical (Reissue)

0:00Hi everyone, you're listening to Savvy Psychologist. I'm Dr. Ellen Hendrickson and every week I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence-based research, a sympathetic ear, and zero judgment. We'll start with a message from this week's sponsor, Slate. And now on to the show. Are you harder on yourself than 40 grit sandpaper? Do you feel like you're falling short, no matter how high you've climbed? Are you tough as nails on yourself? But soft as mashed potatoes, with others. Welcome to the esteemed yet insecure club of the highly self-critical. Now, being hard on yourself is double-edged. Highly self-critical individuals are often successful achievers, but the road to those achievements isn't a smooth ride. Instead, it's often riddled with potholes of stress, insecurity, and self-doubt.

1:04Now, your self-criticism may be overt, such as calling yourself names like idiot or loser when you don't meet your own standards, or disparaging your accomplishments to those who try to congratulate you. But self-criticism may be covert too, and it may leak out in sneaky ways like in eating disorder, social anxiety, or depression. Therefore, this week we'll talk about five signs it may be time to trade in your criticism for some kindness. Sign number one. You're never content. Even if we've run out of room on our trophy shelf, made the deans list, or framed the first dollar from our newly launched business, we just don't feel satisfied. Or perhaps we do, but it's either fleeting or way down by qualifications. Like, yeah, I got the promotion, but I don't think the decision was unanimous. Or meaning the Dalai Lama was amazing, but I got Starstruck and babbled like an idiot.

2:07When we're highly self-critical, we may feel like a failure, even as others congratulate us on a job well done. We may feel like a loser, even when our life is objectively going well. Now, of course, it's important to strive, aim high, and even kick our own butts from time to time, but too much time in thumbscrews slows our progress. Why? Well, our criticism has good intentions. We're trying to motivate ourselves and accomplish great things, but it backfires. Focusing on all the ways we fall short, either takes the wind out of our sales or fixates our attention on unimportant details rather than the big picture. Okay, sign number two that your two self-critical is, you feel constantly overwhelmed. Now, self-critical individuals are often responsible and reliable, and this personality trait is called conscientiousness. And conscientiousness gets you a long way. In fact, it's a better

3:09predictor of success than intelligence. However, it's also a quality that often comes bundled with self-criticism. And conscientiousness on steroids leads to never feeling like things are going well. And that leads to a constant treadmill of duties, obligations, and details to take care of and correct. The result, always feeling overwhelmed. Plus, we're between a rock and a hard place, taking a break, taking time off, or otherwise easy enough on the pressure feels unnatural and uneasy. Alright, sign number three that your two self-critical is, you always feel guilty. When folks who are highly self-critical step out of line or inadvertently screw things up, they feel bad about it for a long time. And if you relate to this, you know what it's like to stew and dwell and ruminate. Replace of mistakes and conflict, take over our brain like a mental

4:10screensaver when we're not otherwise occupied, like popping into our head while standing in line at the grocery store or waiting at a traffic light. Guilt colors long stretches of times, like a drop of ink, colors, a beaker of water. But here's where it gets more insidious. If someone else steps out of line, we still find a way to take it on. And that same helpful sense of conscientiousness morphs into an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. If a client criticizes our work, we must have screwed it up. If someone is rude to us, we must have deserved it. In short, when the external world lines up with our internal critic, we think we must have done something wrong and we feel guilty for it. All right, on to sign number four that you're too self-critical, which is you go it alone. You are independent, self-made, a one-person show. And in a Western culture

5:14that prizes individuality, standing on your own two feet is glorified. But the flip side is that you can't ask or help. Now, how are self-criticism and asking for help linked? Well, in the self-critical part of our minds, asking for help means revealing weakness or deficiency. Likely, the same perceived weakness or deficiency we berate ourselves for. In short, the link is shame. We don't want anyone else to see what we don't like about ourselves, so we keep it under wraps by doing everything on our own. And finally, sign number five is your two humble. Now, self-deprecation can be charming, but too much comes across as cringe-worthy. Now, especially when we're trying something new or falling under possible scrutiny, there are rises in our brain, a sneaking suspicion that the day we've long dreaded is here. This is the moment we'll be unable to rise to the occasion and be revealed as a fraud.

6:19Now, being overly humble, most often strikes bright, capable men and women who have been told since childhood that their smart, creative, attractive, and other positive labels. But they worry, what if the task before me reveals that I'm not? The secret will be out. Therefore, self-deprecation allows us to preemptively condemn ourselves before anyone else can. If we're going to be revealed as a fake, at least we can be the one pulling off the cover. Okay, to wrap it all up, a dash of self-criticism can be super helpful. It keeps us honest, keeps us from getting a big head, and drives us to do better. But too much perpetuates unhelpful lies, holds us down, and drives us into the ground. Not only does it not feel good, it doesn't work. So what's the remedy? Well, in a nutshell, it's a healthy dose of self-kindness.

7:20A giant analysis of 79 different studies involving over 16,000 individuals found that self-compassion, also known as having a positive and caring attitude towards oneself in the face of failure and shortcoming, contributed to a happier life and greater well-being. And being kinder to yourself may seem like a no-brainer, but many of us caught in a self-critical cycle think that easy enough on ourselves will make us go soft and squishy. When you're used to brass knuckled brawls, being kind to yourself suddenly feels like a pillow fight. But kindness isn't the same thing as laziness or weakness. Think of a great coach or a favorite teacher. Did you work hard for them because they went easy on you and let you off the hook? No, you busted your butt because they had high expectations, believed in you, and were encouraging, respectful, and kind. So give it a shot. Be that coach or teacher to yourself for a day, an hour, or even just a few seconds.

8:25You may surprise yourself. Who knew that the cure for feeling suffocated was giving yourself room to breathe? Thank you for making the savvy psychologist a part of your life. As always, savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental health care and a licensed professional. Thank you so much for listening. Have an awesome week and I will see you here next Friday for a happier, healthier mind.