0:00Episode 3994, what's concealed cannot heal. Mom's, it's time to rediscover, rejuvenate, and renew who you are in mind, body, and spirit. Welcome to Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie, the show that help you do just that. Here's your host, certified life coach, personal trainer, and nutritionist, Kristian Wargo. Happy happy day. I hope you're having a fabulous weekend. Can you believe it? We are almost mid-march. I know I give you these timely reminders, but seriously, time does not stand still. All the more reason why we've got to spend time with the ones that we love. Who are you sleeping with? Because what's concealed cannot heal. For those of you who are brand-new to Create Your Now, welcome to this incredible family. I'm so delighted to be your presence. If you already haven't had the opportunity, you want to head on over to CreatureNow.com where you can learn more and sign up for the Kisses newsletter to keep its simple strategy every day solutions to live, love, and impact,

1:02where this episode is brought to you by AIM, Inspiring Connection, and Community. So, how is life treating you? Seriously, how's your relationship with your spouse? Are you madly in love? Like, you would date all over again if you didn't know each other? Seriously, I know we don't want to talk about these questions, but it's important for us to stay connected. And in a world that has all this technology, I truly believe that we are still living in a disconnected world that assumes we're connected. And that makes it tough, right? Because when you look at marriage, marriage is a raw, real connection where two lives blend with all their messiness and beauty. And within this intimate space, spouse has shared joys, dreams, disappointments, and even pain. Hurt happens sometimes on purpose, often by accident. But what's concealed cannot heal. I don't know about you, but have you ever tried hiding your wounds, your frustrations,

2:07or even your doubts under this surface of, I'm fine. But you understand that I'm fine doesn't fix anything. It only lets the damage grow in silence. If you keep pain locked away, no one else can step in to help and no real change will take root. The walls you build to protect yourself become barriers to connection and repair. I mean, how do you handle hurt now? Think about your marriage right now when you get into an argument and your feelings are hurt. And then it happens again, and again, may not be the same situation, but the hurt is there. All of a sudden your bank account of hurt is growing, but your love account, oh, it's hurting. Pun intended. So how do you handle that? Do you go to your girlfriends and just start mow them off about your spouse? Oh, you won't believe my husband. You won't believe what he's done this time. Maybe you only get a one girlfriend. Maybe you go to your mom. How do you handle the hurt now? Or do you just say, I don't?

3:15I don't like confrontation. I don't want to be overly one who critiques and winds and all of this and so well, I just buck it up better, and I don't say anything. I don't know if any of those answers are you or maybe there's like five other answers that you can fill in. But what is hurting you now? Because there's always something in our life that gives us a sting. And it may be something small, but have you ever had a splinter like in your finger or in your foot? And you're like, it's not that big of a deal. It'll I'll get it out here in a couple days. And the next thing you know, it's still hurting you. Oh, it'll come out in next couple days. A week's gone by, two weeks go by, and now all of a sudden it's getting kind of red. And you're like, well, that doesn't look good. And you're like, oh, it'll pass. All will be fine. And you're like, well, I'm not really sure about

4:18that. Oh, it'll be fine. And then it starts to get pussy. And things don't work out right. And then you have to go to the doctor to have it extracted because it didn't rise the surface. It just went deeper and deeper and deeper. See, that's what happens to hurt if it's unresolved. And honestly, I think a lot of people in our world today, married or not married, I'm talking people in general are walking around hurt. They've been hurt by something somebody. And I'm not just talking about, oh, he took my parking place. I'm mad at him or he cut me off while I was driving. Yeah, those things add up, but it's not the things. I'm talking about things in your life that matter within your career, your professional life, your personal life, your relationship with your spouse, your relationship with your kids, your friends, your church, your community. Hurt is a real thing.

5:20Unresolved hurt just grows like wildfire. It's like a weed. And a lot of people honestly don't even want to think about it, right? They don't want to talk about hurt. But let me tell you, spring is springing. And there's no better time for a cleanup, even in marriage, right? You think about, oh, I've got to clean my windows and I'm going to clean out my cabinets. Just everything feels fresh. What about your marriage? What if you could clean out that wound that's had that splinter in there for years? And it's so deep that you're going to have to go cut it out. But what if you did, how would that change things for you? Seriously, think about it. And it doesn't have to be anything major. It might be just something like, you know, sweetheart, I want to spend time with you. And I know intimacy is a big thing for you. But for me, I just

6:22really want you to come and hold me. Can you hold me? Hold me more? Just snug with me? Be present with me? I mean, if that is really you, then why not address it? Oh, because he's just going to say something like, I do that. And then, you know, I can't do anything right. And it just leads us to an argument. And I don't even want to have that because it's not about that. I just want him to hold me. See, there's something more to that splinter that hurt because it goes to presence, the lack thereof. It goes to a safe place, the lack thereof. So if you're one who's saying, Christian, I really do want something different. Like, I want this hurt. I need the splinter to go away. I need to deal with it. If you want your marriage to be more than just surviving and you want it to thrive, you need to bring what's inside out into the light. That is your kiss to keep it simple strategy.

7:29Bring what's inside out into the light, right? So it's basically bringing the darkness into the lightness. But what's happening is we're internalizing all of this within ourselves. And we don't know how to express ourselves. We get caught up in all of our own things in life that we have to deal with that when it comes to our relationship, we're like, I don't know, Christian, like, I really don't know if this is something that makes sense. I don't know if this is something that I can deal with because when I begin to bring something up, oh, it's just like untouchable. You can make it touchable. But you have to look at how you're going about it. You can bring what's inside out into the light. So what does it look like? So you can begin that healing. You don't want to conceal the hurt anymore. You want to be healed. Number one, speak honestly without blame. The first step to revealing hidden hurt is to find the courage to say what's really on your mind. But here's the thing. Honesty

8:33is not permission to unload a blame-filled assault. You don't sit there and go, well, it's always you and you have to do this and you're doing that. No, no, no, no, no. Take a deep breath. Breathe with me for a moment. If all you're going to do is aim at your spouse and say, you're the one at fault, then the hurt's going to remain. It's probably going to go deeper. I'm just being honest with you. Because you can't blame, it's about communicating what you feel and need without framing your spouse as the villain. Now, please understand this. When I'm talking about this, I'm talking basically about a healthy marriage. I'm not talking about someone who is in an abusive relationship. Emotionally, physically, sexually, any of that. I am not talking to any of that, okay? If you're in an abusive relationship, this is not for you because you're not in a healthy state of mind. This is for that marriage. Yeah, it's kind of like, oh, it'd be nice if we could like

9:34really love each other and we want to go deeper, but we just don't know how. That's where we are here. So don't think that, oh gosh, but I've been doing this to him. No, no, no, no, that's not what I'm talking about, okay? Just so we're clear. So if you're coming out with that blame and saying, it's all his fault, it's all his fault. No, no, no. Instead of, you never listen to me, man, what is your problem? I've been trying to tell you this. Try maybe this. I feel unheard and lonely when I don't get to share what's bothering me. I feel like you dismissed me before I even say three words. When you do this, this shifts the focus from attack to experience, inviting your spouse to listen, not defend. Raw honesty invites real understanding. Listen to that again. Raw honesty invites real understanding, but if you're not willing to be vulnerable, then this is not where you're headed. Don't go down this road because you've got to show your

10:38vulnerability, not aggression. It's not about blame. It's not about pointing fingers. When you own your feelings without blame, your spouse can meet you halfway rather than shutting down. And if you're like, Christian, I want this, but my spouse is not there. Okay, great. So model it for your spouse. Be that for your spouse. And then you could say, you know, babe, have you noticed I've been doing this? It may be three or four months from now. This doesn't happen overnight, by the way. These changes are not like, there you go. No, it's not. So what you have to look at here is saying, okay, I can model this, but if it's an unhealthy marriage, you need to go get professional help. I'm serious. I'm not discounting anything here. You need to go see a therapist probably together. Go see your pastor. You need professional help. Because if your spouse is in a position that isn't willing to meet you halfway or even a quarter of the way, you're not going to

11:40make headway. Okay, I'm being honest with you. Understand that. Number two, create a safe space for sharing. This is vital. If you want pain to come into the open, you must nurture a safe environment for it. That means intentionally choosing moments when you both can be present and calm, phones off, distractions down, eyes and ears open. That means the kids are asleep. You should not be having these conversations when the kids are up. It should be private. Even to the point where maybe you go and you go for a weekend or you go for a night so you can have some of these conversations. A safe space is free from judgment, sarcasm. Uh-huh. Did you get that? Yeah, a lot of us use sarcasm and even humor to get through this kind of stuff. No. And you don't want to have that interruption either. It's about curiosity and empathy. Asking questions like, tell me more about what you're feeling and listening deeply without planning your comeback. When your spouse knows

12:44they won't be punished or dismissed for their truth, they are more likely to share what they've been bottling up. A mutual safety creates a landscape where healing can begin. Like I said, it takes one to start to to finish. In a healthy marriage that has problems, you can get there. If it's in an abusive marriage, that's a different conversation. Go get help and go seek counseling and safety. And then finally, number three, follow up with action and patience. Revealing what's concealed is only the start, my friend. Words alone don't heal wounds. What comes next is critical. Showing up with consistent action and patience, meaning you've got to have the punch behind your words, right? That's the action. The punch is your actions. So if your spouse opens up about feeling ignored, it's on you to demonstrate attentiveness regularly.

13:46Not just once. It's not like, I was listening. I was good. I was in tune. Now I can tune it all out. We're fine. Everything's better. Wounds done. No, no, no. Healing is a process. And it doesn't happen overnight. I've told you this. It takes repeated efforts to rebuild trust and to soften pain. How do you think you get from a wound to a scar? It has to heal. And how do we heal? Think about that splinter again. How do you heal? Especially the one that's gone deeper and deeper. Now it's red and now it's kind of pesty and you can tell it's infected and they've got to go and there's got to be some digging out of it. How do you heal from that? What does your body do? It heals from what? The inside out. It's not from the outside in. It's amazing what our bodies can do. But our hearts need that too. So keep checking in. Ask how they're doing and validate their feelings along the way. Small study actions compound into proof that change is possible. And I want to

14:53remind you nothing is impossible, but it's going to take work. It's just not going to happen overnight. However, I would like to kind of leave you with this because it's important to mention every marriage has its shadows. But those shadows only grow when you keep your struggles in the dark. Think about that for a moment, right? We're talking about letting the inside out into the light. This is what we're talking about. You don't need shadows. Because if you keep those shadows, they're going to grow in the dark. So don't let silence and concealed pain and hurt still your chance for connection and growth. Speak honestly, build safety. Show up with steady care. What was hidden will surface and when it does, healing can finally begin. It's the real deal, my friend. Because what's concealed cannot heal, but what shared bravely just might save everything you've

15:56promised to protect. Go in peace. Be present. Be incredible. Be you. I love you so very much. I cannot wait to see you on the other side. Blessing tags and lots and lots of love. We'll talk to you real soon. Have a glorious birthday. Bye-bye. Feeling inspired and ready to train for life and love your journey, visit createyournow.com for more incredible resources to help you along the way. We'll see you next time on create your now your best selfie. And remember, always be sure you consult your physician before beginning any health and fitness plan.