0:00Episode 3959, present, but distant. Moms, it's time to rediscover, rejuvenate, and renew who you are in mind, body, and spirit. Welcome to Create Your Now, Your Best Selfie, the show that help you do just that. Here's your host, Certified Life Coach, Personal Trainer, and Nutritionist, Kristian Wardo. Happy every day, I hope you're having a fabulous weekend and enjoying just time together as a family. Sometimes we get so caught up in everything else that's going on that we literally forget that, oh my goodness, I have someone in my life that I need to be paying attention to. Oh yes, it's all about relationship builders, present, but distant. For those of you who are brand new to Create Your Now, welcome to this incredible family. I'm so delighted if your presence. If you already had the opportunity, you want to head on over to CreateYourNow.com where you can learn more and sign up for the Kisses newsletter. To keep it simple strategy, everyday solutions, to live, love, and impact.

1:03With this episode is brought to you by AIM, Inspiring Connection, and Community. All right, deep breath. Are you warm? Oh my goodness, we were starting to get like in the low forties. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but that was like a minimal heat wave for us, and now we're back below freezing. It's ridiculous. We've got double digit wind chills, almost in the negative, below zero. It is crazy. So please be safe out there. I mean, I mean that sincerely. I was driving some of the area because I was on the road again for the first time since we had the storm and came further down south. And it was very interesting because the devastation, you know, honestly, the landscape has changed. And I think we forget about how and what we do in our lives, how it changes our landscape, how it changes relationships, how it changes the homestead, how it changes how you interact with your spouse, right?

2:04Because marriage isn't just the big moments, the wedding day, anniversaries, valentines day even, or vacations. A huge part of it happens in the in between, the daily grind, the shuffle of family life, the countless errands, the work schedules, the responsibilities that fill every corner of your time. And that goes with laundry too. You can't forget the laundry and cooking. And in this chaos, it's easy and dangerously common for spouses to drift apart without even noticing. It's like, who are you? And you kind of pretend you know, but you really don't. You're both so busy serving the kids, managing the householder, even chasing those careers. That choosing to connect as a couple really takes a back seat. Maybe it's more like in the trunk or maybe you're just toeing it behind you. Maybe it's not even to be seen. You become like two ships passing in the day and night, present, but distant. You know, your marriage can't survive on

3:09busy schedules and shared rooflines alone. It's not going to work. If you don't learn how to wrestle with the in between, those small moments where real connection can be made, you are risking becoming strangers, living parallel lives. Think about what your marriage is like right now. Where is it? Think about the age of your kiddos. If your kiddos are getting old enough, pretty soon you're going to be wondering, hmm, who is this? Do I know this person? Maybe you've already had those thoughts. I'm going to tell you right now and this isn't to, you know, anybody's surprised, but if you're a woman listening, let me tell you your man, if he's not getting his attention that he believes he deserves, he's going to get it somewhere else. And that's not to make you uneasy. It's to tell you how important this is. This topic is that nobody talks about. We start talking about, oh, well, what do you do when you don't love each other?

4:13And what happens when you want to get a divorce? Do you need to be separated or whatever? What happens before that happens? That's my issue. We don't need to get to, oh, what about separation? Oh, what about the big D? I don't want you to go down that alley if you don't have to. Now, I'm not saying I'm against it, by the way. There are some people that honestly should have never gotten married. There are some people that are in relationships that are abusive. They need to get out of them. So I'm not here judging, but I am here to say that if you are in a more normal relationship, okay, and I say normal, that's kind of a broad term in itself, where there's no abuse, no form of mental health issues from either spouse, okay, your level headed, your smart, okay, you're engaging with each other as in you can hold conversation, okay? If you were that type

5:17of a person and that type of a marriage, okay, this is definitely for you. But if you're one who's in an abusive relationship or there's mental health issues, I'm here to tell you this probably is not going to actually apply to you, not because you can't utilize it. It's because you've got other things that are bigger problems. I want to make sure I know sometimes I spend a lot of time on that, but we've got to really begin to look at our own lives. How are we showing up? Present, but distant. I mean, so let's go back, right? If you don't know how to wrestle with that in between, you're going to be like, who's that person over there? And when the noise quiets and the family leaves the room, the question becomes, who's going to be sitting next to you? Do I want to sit next to this person? Who is this person? Do I even know this person anymore?

6:17If you have not intentionally fought for closeness during your everyday life, you may not recognize it one beside you anymore. And let me tell you, you're always changing. Change is a constant. You're growing. You're evolving as a human, right? Who you are and who you are becoming. If you look at who you were when you got married, okay, don't tell me the number is different on the scale. You're wearing a different number, you know, or letter, I should say maybe for the clothing that you have on. I'm not talking about any of that. I'm not talking about how flustered. I'm not talking about the color of your hair, turning into another color. Yes, that all has influence. I'm talking about, though, do you know the person that you see? Do you know the one you fell in love with? Do you even know yourself? You need to be intentional about drawing closer to one another. That is your kiss to keep it simple strategy. Draw closer to one another.

7:19Don't sit there and pretend that it's just going to happen because I'm here to tell you it will not. And you're going to be stuck. You think snows are problem in the south. I think further south, I think they're supposed to get snow like, they haven't had snow like 1977 in Tampa or something like that. I mean, I don't know if it's going to happen, but you know, you hear all these things, right? Do you want your marriage to be like, oh, this hasn't happened in and it becomes this huge big deal? It doesn't have to be this monstrosity of the frozen tundra. You can actually have a marriage where you know the person. You're growing together as a couple. You're growing individually. But you've got to figure a way to draw closer in the in between. I mean, how do you stake your claim as partners, even when life feels chaotic? How do you say, I love you? Like, I'm with you. And what happens when you're being pulled in a

8:24million different directions, you've been there. Maybe you're still there. There are times, I think, back going, oh, my goodness, how did we even survive? I had five kids all in the age of eight. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking. We didn't plan any of them. They were all blessed surprises. We love that. We love them. But I guarantee you, there were times I'm like, can I just return them? Oh no, kids expire. You get them. There's no return date. They're done. They're yours. It doesn't matter what manual you did or didn't receive. You got to figure it out. But then it's like, but okay, I've got to figure out this family thing too. And wait, wait, what about my marriage? Think back before you had your first kiddo. And then think about when you had your first kiddo. Don't think about that child as in they became an issue. Okay, I'm not saying that. It's not confessions of an upset mama right now.

9:29We're talking about how you were, how you related to your spouse. Now, maybe you both were still chasing careers at that time. And all of a sudden it's like, surprise, it happened to us. I was on my way to school. My husband was already in postgraduate school. He would have been a second year. I would have been a first year. And we found out I was pregnant. I didn't have my mom and dad close by to help me. I had a few family members, but they couldn't help me all the time. I was working full time. I was an entrepreneur also on top of that. I had my own music studio and traveling to homes. There was no way that I can make it work that we would survive as a family. We would survive as just husband and wife. But then you add in a child, oh my goodness, that's a whole different conversation.

10:30So what was it like before the kiddos came along? How did you feel? And then what happened when your kids did come along? Number one, number two, maybe number three. Maybe they're still talking for more. We've got to look at how can we begin to bridge this gap of the end between and say, I don't want you to be distant from me anymore. I want us to be together. Like I want us to be all in like we were when we were dating. And I'm not saying you go back to dating because some people would say, well, that's kind of childish, Christian. Well, I guess it depends on when you start dating and what your maturity level is, but like that's for another 3,000 episodes. We could sit here and be talking about that for hours upon hours to define all of that. I've got you here for just a few minutes. So let's break it down on some

11:30approaches you can use to really intentionally bridge that gap of the in between. Number one, be present without distraction. Now, this sounds simple, but I'm here to remind you it is the foundation. When you're physically together, but mentally elsewhere, connection dies. There's a fracture. Think about the last time you two were sitting down somewhere together. Okay, it may have been at the end of the day. Kids are already in bed. Maybe you're in bed, whatever it is. What were you doing? Were you connecting like were you listening to each other? Were you having conversation or maybe one of you were reading and the other one was scrolling? Maybe one was watching football as a rerun because they're getting excited about the Super Bowl and the other one was like, I guess I'll put my nose somewhere because he's not listening anywhere. Commit to carving out device-free moments. Don't sit there and be distracted. Maybe it's 10 minutes

12:36before bed, a coffee in the morning. Maybe it's a quick check-in after work where your full attention is on one another. No distractions. And I know that's hard. I'm even talking about the puppy dogs and the kitty cats and the birds and the bees. Okay, and the horses and the cows, all of that. Those are all distractions. The grandbabies now for some of you, right? Listen like that time depends on it and I mean that genuinely because imagine if that moment in time was a page ripped out from your life. How would that feel? No more saying goodbye in the morning. What would that look like? It's kind of weird to think about it that way. But maybe if we would take a couple seconds to say, gosh, I would not want that. Maybe we would act a little bit differently. Maybe our investment would be more genuine. Ask how your partner's day truly is going and resist jumping to problem-solving

13:45guys. Are you listening? Don't try to problem-solve for your wife. She just wants to talk. Let her talk. Okay, these are all bonus things, by the way. Just be there. Soak in the presence of your spouse of the person who's supposed to be your closest ally, your best friend, your confident. The one that you will go to battle for and love and sickness and health and wealth and poor. All of it. All the vows. Re-same in your head or maybe get out that old DVD or for some of us it's a VHS player. Did they even have eight tracks that you could record on? Okay, that's another episode. But seriously, maybe just pictures. But be present without distraction. Number two, own your role in the rhythm of the home. Marriage doesn't happen in isolation from family life, but it also can't be sacrificed on the

14:49altar of busyness. Now that's a mouthful. It really is. So you can't just look at this and say, well, you know, if it's all about marriage, we shouldn't have had kids, no? That's not true either. I don't believe in that. Marriage is meant to be family together and your family is only as strong as your relationship as husband and wife. But at the same time, you can't sacrifice your marriage on this altar of busyness. You can't keep saying, well, you know, we're just so busy. We just don't have time. It's just it's always going to be that unless what you find a way. You prioritize what matters. So recognize how you contribute to the daily flow and actively look for ways to share the responsibility. It's like, wow, amazing. What a concept. Maybe you can even help lighten your spouses load or create space for a couple of time because now you're doing it together.

15:50One person doesn't have to do it all. Now I will say this. There might be a season that you feel like you have to do it all. I was in that season. I could not rely on my husband's schedule. He was in postgraduate work. He was going after his career. I'm going to tell you this right now. Listen carefully. We agreed that we would do it this way. I was all in. He was all in. And so I supported him in doing that. So when it came to what the kiddos did, all five of them, if mama couldn't do it, if mama couldn't be there, then they didn't do it. Bonus if dad could show up. But at the time, the commitment was all on mama. And that was hard to do with five of them. And that lasted for years upon years upon years. And once when you think you've gotten out of it, oh, here comes another little tag along. I mean, five of them. Why hold?

16:52But understand too, that's a season. Remember, it's not just about doing tasks, but about signaling that your spouse matters. They matter enough to disrupt your own busy schedule. My husband is an incredible father when they were little. He's still an incredible dad. He's an amazing papa. And I love seeing that within him. That's one of my things that I just love about him is how he interacts with kids. I mean, he's literally a child himself, not in a manner that is a negative way, by the way, but just the way he's so playful. He has the heart of a child. Shouldn't we all? But in that heart of a child, it's important for us to know that one spouse shouldn't carry it all. So if you can share the responsibility, it's important. When you step into support the shared life, you draw closer, not just practically, but emotionally.

17:52You want that emotional connection. That togetherness is like, wow, it's magnetism. It's just at its finest. And you will draw closer. I promise you. And then finally, number three, create micro rituals that mean something. That kind of sounds fun, right? Micro rituals. Aren't we past the holidays, Kristian? Yeah, I know. I get it. But these are not rituals as in holidays. They can be, right? You got Valentine's Day. I've given you almost two weeks notice about Valentine's Day, by the way. So don't sit here and say, oh, my goodness, I couldn't prepare something. It doesn't have to be anything major. Write a note. Draw something on the mirror in your bathroom. Okay? You don't have to spend a lot of money if any. Be creative. But also don't pretend that you didn't know it was coming up and you didn't know the date. I'm here warning you two weeks notice. Okay? Anyway. So big nights, big date nights, right? They're great. But they're hard to sustain

18:52consistently going out every Friday night. If I was to commit to going out with my husband every Friday night when the kids were little, oh my goodness, we never go out because there was always something happening. And some people would say, well, you can get a babysitter. Okay, do you know how hard it is? Number one, we didn't have family around where we lived and we lived in many, many places. But number two, it's one thing to have one or two kids watched. But to have five, they're like, oh, yeah. Oh, Christian, I would love to help. But I get it. So we had to be creative at home. You see the real magic happens in simple regular rituals that become your shared language. Make it special for you all. Whatever that looks like. Maybe you decide to binge watch two episodes of your favorite show together. And you do it every Thursday night. Why? Because it works in your schedule. Great. Make it in every Thursday night of fair.

19:53It doesn't have to be on a weekend. There's no requirement of what happens. The only requirement is that the two of you say yes together. That it works for you together. Because otherwise then only one's going to show up. And that's kind of weird, right? Kind of defeats the purpose. So maybe it's that good night text even every evening. I would say, you know, maybe a peck on the cheek would be nice too. Maybe it's a brief warning hug before the chaos begins. Maybe it's the snuggle and cuddles in the master bathroom where you're just holding each other saying, it just feels good to hold you babe. I love you. What is it for you? Maybe it's sharing a weekly high and low where you talk about the best and worst parts of your week. These small but consistent acts become emotional anchors. They're proof that despite the busyness, you're actively choosing each other. And honestly, isn't that what we both want? I mean, I say we as in your husband and then you, right? If you're the wife and then vice versa,

20:57if you're the husband and your wife. But regardless here, you're talking about, okay, I choose you. I want to see you. I want to listen to you. I want you to know that you matter. It was the last time that you looked into your spouse's eyes and said, you matter to me babe. When did you turn on that old song that maybe you danced to in your wedding? And just all of a sudden had it playing. Come on. There's free things if you can download the song. You don't have to have it on DVD or CD or whatever you want to pull it up on. It can be on Spotify or Pandora, whatever it is, whatever you listen to. If you have to look it up on YouTube, I'm sure you can find it there. All for free. It wouldn't be amazing to just hold your sweetheart and say, I just want you to know how much I love you. But you got to do it more often than Valentine's Day. Oh, anniversary. Yeah.

21:58I mean, those are great birthdays. Yeah, they're great. But what about the in-between? In wrestling with the in-between, you're doing the hardest and most important work of marriage. You are. It's messy. It's not glamorous, but it is indispensable. If you settle for just getting through, you're going to risk showing up as roommates rather than life partners. What would you rather have? And honestly, I mean, do you want just a roommate? Or do you want a life partner? Doing life together. If you lean into the daily struggle to be present, to be supportive and intentional, even in the tiniest of tiniest moments, that's where you build a foundation strong enough to weather any storm, including the Fosan Tendra. It's going to get cold. It's going to stay cold a little bit. Then it's going to come. More snow, whatever it is. You can get through it.

22:58Hurricanes, tornadoes. But you have to be willing. So when the family is gone and the only two of you are standing in the quiet house, you'll know exactly who's beside you and why it matters. That's not luck or circumstance. It should return on investment of wrestling intentionally with the in-between. Present, but not distant. Go in peace. Be present. Be incredible. Be you. I love you so very much. I cannot wait to see you on the other side. Blessing's hugs and lots and lots of love. We'll talk to you soon. Have a glorious blessed day. Bye-bye.