38. Giving Up the 'Last Word'

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Hey, we're learning how to give up condemnation and blaming and self-righteousness in this

season. One discipline that we're practicing is not having to have the last word. I got a very

vivid expression of this just yesterday. Speaking for a group of people with a friend of mine,

his name is Bill. He's a pastor, kind of a struggling little church in Atlanta. He brought

a group of people out for me to speak with. Bill has owed me $10 for a long time. It's because of

a sporting event, but he denies it. He's got this illusion that it never happened.

And so I've kept reminding him, you owe me $10, like I got to have the last word every time.

And it finally paid off. He paid me in front of all these people yesterday. He paid me with interest,

but he paid me in nickels. This is hundreds of nickels. What I want to do with these stupid nickels.

When I'm leaving the event, I left the parking. So I had to pay for the parking. It was $9.

And this is $240 nickels, $12. I figured they're all in cahoots. I wanted so bad to say.

Here you go. Keep the change. But I think I will just keep this a while as a reminder of how,

if you lived to have the last word, you might get what you asked for, but you're probably not

going to get what you want. I can actually trust God to not have to use nagging, condemning,

blaming to control or manipulate other people. And what I want to talk about in that regard today

is a real important subject. An area where we often get into counter condemnation is when we hear

criticism. So how do I receive criticism in a way that's not going to create churn inside me

or inside somebody else? And the place that I'll start with this, and then we're actually going

to trace this out in the life of a character in the Bible who got a lot of criticism and condemnation.

Key idea from a scriptural point of view is learn to separate criticism from condemnation

in my mind and my spirit. The Bible is full of instructions to learn from criticism,

listen to criticism, reflect on criticism. Proverbs as one of its most prominent themes, 1531,

listen to criticism, listening to criticism, brings wisdom. Rejecting it can cause self-harm.

Or Proverbs 121, loving-reprove is considered loving-knowledge. Really? Do I love-reprove?

Well, if I really want to grow, I can come to. Or Proverbs 1925,

rebuking a discerning person helps them gain knowledge. So over and over and over again,

listen to it, learn from criticism. However, the Bible is equally clear, do not internalize condemnation,

do not receive condemnation. When it comes to condemnation, then I want in my spirit to have a

kind of teflon, and Paul puts it so strongly in his letter to the Church of Rome Romans 8.

If God is for us, who can be against us? It is God who justifies, who is it that condemns?

You may know, in the Christian faith, we will sometimes talk about justification by faith. I trust

that through Jesus, through His love, through His death on the cross, I have been justified,

and it's important for me to understand justification is not a card that I pull out when it's time

to go to heaven. It is a spiritual and emotional and psychological reality that's the foundation for

my relational life and well-being right now. It is God who justifies, who is it that condemns?

So I don't have to receive condemnation. Now, if I'm on to receive criticism, well, how do I do it?

This is from a book called The Lost Art of Listening by Michael Nichols and Martha Strauss.

We all think we're good at receiving criticism. I was talking to a good friend of mine,

quite recently, who had been consulting with a group, and there was a man that he was consulting

with and was giving feedback from an assessment tool. And the guy said, just give it to me direct.

I like it straight. Just tell it to me real honestly. Don't try to pretty it up.

And so my friend who was consulting did that not in a harsh way, just in a straightforward way,

and he watched the man crumple and just feels so crushed by words that were really just kind of

pretty straightforward. Here's an area we could grow. Grow. I need to grow. So how do I learn to

listen to criticism? Do you often find yourself interrupting someone who's criticizing you before

the person has a chance to finish? This understandable but counterproductive impulse

robs the other person of a sense of having been heard. You don't have to agree to hear what someone

has to say. To avoid getting defensive, concentrate on listening to the entire criticism.

Then ask, without sarcasm, is there anything else? Is there anything else? And just sincerely

want to know because I want to grow. Finally, offer your understanding of what the person is trying

to say. Not a paraphrase, but what you think the other person was trying to get at.

Now, fascinating character when it comes to criticism, condemnation in the Bible is King David.

He's a very human man. So this is not like here's the perfect hero in the Bible that we should all

be like. He gets it right sometimes, gets it wrong sometimes. The primary character in the Bible,

of course, is God. When David's quite young, you might remember, he goes off to bring some food to

his brothers when Goliath is threatening the people of Israel and David says, hey, we shouldn't

put up with that. When a lie of David's oldest brother heard him speaking with the men,

he burned with anger at David and asked, why have you come down here? With whom did you leave

those few sheep in the wilderness? I know how conceited and how wicked your heart is. You came down

only to watch the battle. What am I done, said David? Can I even speak? It's interesting. A lie of

if you know David's story was actually the oldest of the brothers and the one that when Samuel saw

a lie of he thought, surely this is the one that God wants me to annoy as the future king and God

says, no, don't judge somebody by their appearance or by their height. Apparently a lie of was pretty

impressive. God says, I have not chosen this one. So maybe there's some jealousy going on inside of

that. And in face of really quite a harsh condemning spirit, David is unstoppable.

We see that also in his relationship with Saul, Saul is the king. He is pathologically jealous of

David. At one point when he has tried to kill David, he's cursed him, condemned him. He goes

into a cave where David and his men are. So he's a David's mercy and his men say, this is the day,

David. God said he would deliver your enemies into your hands. You can you can take him and David's

response. And what he actually says to Saul is, no, it's very interesting. David says there's an

old saying evil deeds from evil doers. Jesus used to say a bad dream. If there's a hatred anger

and so on the inside my thoughts and desires and perceptions, it will produce bad fruit. Evil

deeds from evil doers. David says, no, I will not take vengeance. So that's quite extraordinary.

Later on in David's life, when he becomes the king, he's celebrating when the arc of the covenant

is brought into Jerusalem. And the text says that David is dancing before the Lord with all his might.

But Michael, daughter, son of Saul, watched from a window when she saw King David leaping

and dancing before the Lord. She despised him in her heart. When he came home to bless the

household, he wants to bless. She curses how the king of Israel has distinguished himself today,

going around half naked in full view of the slave girls of his sermons as any vulgar fellow would.

You sarcasm with somebody. And David's response to Michael makes it quite clear. He does not accept

that kind of condemnation from her. Now, later on, as David is king, as you may

remember, there is an episode where he very seriously violates his oath, marital vows.

Has your rye of the Hittite killed? Because he is slept with your rye as wife Bathsheba.

And then Bathsheba gets pregnant. A child is born. And all this time, David is unrepentant.

So for at least a year, maybe more, every day he wakes up, not going to repent, not going to think

about it, not going to make things, but not going to confess. And finally, a prophet, Nathan,

quite courageously speaks the truth to powers, thought very carefully tells a little parable about

somebody who does a real unjust thing, steals a poor man's only sheep, although he's quite rich.

David burns with anger. And then Nathan says, they'll art the man at you.

And David hears that. I am sending in the Lord. And David repents. So there we see a place where

the criticism is very severe and very risky. And David with an open heart receives it and learns from it.

And it's kind of interesting. Later on, another place that's not nearly as famous,

David and his men are traveling. And there's a man from Saul's family named Shimei,

son of Gira, and he cursed as he came out. Listen to this, he pelted David and all the

kings officials with stones, though all the troops and special gardener on David's right and left.

As he cursed, Shimei said to David, get out, get out, you murderer, you scoundrel,

the Lord is repaid for all the blood you shed in the household of Saul.

And David's men say, you know, let's kill him. And David says, no, if he is cursing because the

Lord said to him, curse David, who can ask, why do you do this? So he and his men just keep going

while Shimei is going after them, cursing as he went along, throwing stones, showering him with dirt.

Is that amazing scene where David is now turning the other sheep and later on, there's an

interesting kind of reconciliation with that. But, lest you think David now has it all perfect,

as a father, horrible things happen. He has one son that violates assaults,

his half-sister, and David does nothing. He's an absolute mess furious at that. And David and

Absalom end up being estranged for like five years, and Absalom dies a horrible death in

defiance of his dad, and then add an eye to another son with David. It's real old about that I

add. And I just says, I'm the king. I'm going to be the king, even though he's not. And the text says,

David never rebuked him by saying, why are you doing these things? Why are you behaving in this

way? That would have been a pretty mild rebuked. Don't even do that. And it may well be at the end of

his life, what David really needs is somebody to offer him that kind of criticism. Nathan actually

goes to Bathsheba initially, rather than to David. So a real checkered life, but consistently with

David, when he's able to live in the courage of not being discouraged by condemnation, live as the

Lord's anointed. He is just unstoppable. When his heart is open and is willing to learn from

sometimes extremely painful criticism, repentance and growth. When there's not criticism,

or he's not willing to learn it, just trouble, trouble, trouble. So today, if there's somebody

who treats you or speaks to you in a way that evokes thoughts of, I'm not worthy, I'm condemned,

I'm no good. That is not God speaking to you. That is not God speaking to me. But when

criticism comes today, just remember God loves me. The sun's going to come up again tomorrow.

I have any turtle dust, any ungod's great universe. And so my question is, tell me more,

is there anything else? Is there anything else? And be really sincere with it and learn, man,

to be able to receive and learn from criticism. Believe me, nobody has a greater gift for natural

defensiveness than I do. So I know how strong the tide can run the other way, to actually be

able to receive criticism, to let go of having my ego on the line. Find out, is there a way that

God can be at work? Is there a way that I can get better as a human being? It's the best.

Because there is now no condemnation.

Hey, thanks for joining us here at Become New. My name is Tim and I'm a part of the team. We

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