259 When Communication Is Hard: Autism, ADHD, and Language Processing Differences, part 5

Welcome back to part five of the series when communication is hard.

If your communication with your child feels confusing,

exhausting, or like you're missing something important,

then this episode is for you.

Today we're talking about how differences in processing

that can be impacted by autism, ADHD, or other processing challenges,

how that can impact the way your child understands and uses language,

and why what looks like not listening might actually be a brain's inability

to fully process because it's overwhelmed.

This is about helping you see what might really be going on

so that you can respond in ways that truly help your child.

I am glad you're here.

Does your child have a speech language delay and you really want them to talk?

Do difficult behaviors derail home life and you know the frustration

is a communication struggle?

Does your child see a speech therapist and you wonder,

what do they do and how can I help?

If these are similar questions are in your mind,

this podcast is for you.

Hello, my name is Dina Lynn Rosenbush.

I am a speech language pathologist that has worked with children from birth to 21

for three decades.

And in my classrooms, I see you wanting to connect with the heart of your child,

but their speech and language skills create a barrier.

So if you have a kiddo that has difficult behaviors,

needs to expand their language or learn to say speech sounds,

and maybe even receives speech therapy, stay tuned.

Because in this podcast, you will learn how to use your daily life

as a tool to communication practice and how to do that practice.

You will become confident knowing you are making the difference you want to make.

And you will hear success stories of parents who have navigated these struggles already.

We'll do this all while focusing on building deep meaningful connection

and confidence in your kiddo.

So grab a cup of coffee along with a notebook and pen.

It's time to speak in the way your child's brain understands.

And that is the language of play.

All right, welcome back to this series when communication is hard.

We have already talked about an overview

and then dug into speech sound disorders in two episodes.

And then we talked about communication delays that were language delays,

language disorders.

We separated out what is language and what is speech so you can understand that more clearly.

And now today we're jumping into processing differences.

So autism, ADHD, and language processing differences of a couple of different kinds.

We have also had a couple of call it interruptions to our series

by people who have supported the topic that was just taught.

And that is what we're going to do again.

Because after this episode we're going to listen to a parent with neurodivergent children.

Then we're going to hear from someone who focuses on parents

in a way that you are seen validated and encouraged.

Today I have an announcement.

It is my birthday.

So happy birthday to me.

And in honor of that, my website is up.

It is live.

And I have it published for you to see.

So check the show notes.

And I think I have everything right.

But if any of you find clicks or links that are missing or wrong

or maybe when I move stuff around, I forgot something on the mobile version,

whatever it might be.

If you find an error, then please let me know.

But I encourage you to go look it over and tell me what you think.

It was a lot of work.

It was much, much more work than I expected it to be.

So it did take longer.

But I am proud to say it is out.

And I'm happy to share it.

I also want to thank Izzy Weight Design for her help in getting it designed.

Alright, let's get started with today's episode.

Today we're going to talk about autism, ADHD, and language processing differences.

But what we're really talking about is neurodevelopmental differences.

And those differences shape how a child experiences communication,

the way they learn, and the way they connect with you.

You see when a child's brain develops differently, communication doesn't just look different,

but it is actually working differently in the brain.

So this is one of the most important things to understand.

Sometimes your child is not refusing to communicate.

Their communication system is overwhelmed.

Let's just sit with that for a second.

Your child's communication system can get overwhelmed.

A child's brain is constantly taking in information.

They take in sounds and lights and movement and touch and emotions and words.

And for some children, that system gets overloaded.

And when that happens, language is one of the first things to go offline.

Not because they don't know it, not because they don't have it.

But because the brain is trying to manage everything that's coming in.

And most kids don't really have a good filter yet.

Which means from their primitive brain, they're choosing survival over communication.

Now, of course, this isn't logical.

This isn't a choice that they do intentionally, but that is how the brain is designed to work.

From there, let's think about what that looks like then for you as a parent.

It might look like they're ignoring you.

They say no quickly, or they say no loudly.

Maybe they melt down and have a total tantrum.

Maybe they shut down and go silent.

From the outside, it looks like behavior.

But from the inside, we need to consider that there are times, particularly if we know that our child has a processing disorder.

That the incoming information is too much for the brain to handle.

Not enough capacity is there to sort it out.

And it is in these times when we need to consider parenting differently.

I am not saying it's easy, but I am saying it's important.

In the moment, our tendency is to ask, why aren't they listening?

Why aren't they doing this?

And to be frustrated because we're not moving forward in the thing that I want to do right now.

I'm guilty of this too. It is not easy.

But what I have learned over the years is that if we can step back and zoom out and ask, hmm, what might they actually be thinking?

Or what might their brain be dealing with right now?

Or what might be overwhelming their system?

What is not being said?

This last question, it can be tricky because it's normal to fill it in with what we want to say.

But what communication is not being said is that which comes not just in words.

It is attention. It's regulation of the body.

It's processing sensory information. It's timing. It's flexibility. It's too many words.

And when those systems are developing differently, language and interaction with your child will look different too.

And on top of that, we have to remember that no matter what the diagnosis, everybody within those categories are their own people.

They interact the way they do. They are developing on their own timeline and in their own way.

But there's this receptivity that we need to have for them to develop as who they are.

Some children will naturally develop their language word by word.

And that is what we typically expect. They get one word and then they put that word into phrases.

And then they put those little phrases into sentences. And they build in this logical, typical trajectory.

But there are other children that build language in chunks. And we call that Gestalt Language Development.

When a child develops their language in this other method, this Gestalt type of way, you will hear instead of single words, you will hear whole phrases.

You will hear like a script that comes from a movie that will spill out of their mouth and the context kind of relates.

So you're thinking that's humorous, that's interesting. What are you trying to say? It also can look like they're brilliant to remember those scripts.

They will remember lines from TV shows or movies. And then things that they repeat from those shows or from you sometimes seem out of context and other times are spot on.

It can also look like a delay. Sometimes it looks like a severe delay, as well as looking advanced. So it can be confusing.

But here's the key to remember. It's not wrong. It is a different way of learning. And when you learn to teach within this context, within this type of language development, then we see our kiddos grow and expand too.

It is a very common way among kiddos with autism. However, it also is prevalent among one-year-olds and very, very young kiddos.

But at the same time, it is not what is typical, but it's not wrong or uncommon either. If you want to know more about Gestalt Language Processing, you can listen to episode 189.

You have that linked in the show notes and we dig into what it is and how to help your child once you understand that type of processing.

If you have any questions, I would encourage you to listen to that episode just for your own comparison. There is another layer to this to understand also. And that is, it's not just about learning language. It's about processing language.

But brain develops differently. Processing can be affected in many ways. We already mentioned attention. Another way and regulation.

But another thing is memory. So for some of our kiddos, particularly with ADHD, their memory of maybe your instructions or what we do in this context or of a situation we had, their memory could have gaps.

Sensory information can overload those kiddos quickly. And the understanding of what is the correct social thing to do can be really confusing.

And then there's timing and flexibility that also can be impacted. What this looks like for you as a mom and dad might be that a child seems to understand what you said, but they don't respond in the normal time that you expect them to respond.

They might have the words, but they might not be able to access them when they need them. They might hear you, but they might have processed something completely different and come to a conclusion that you did not intend for them to come to.

And when they have all that going on and we add the environment of loud, bright, fast, many words, too much emotion, we can interrupt that ability to access their language.

And when we begin to realize this, then we begin to support access to the language that they already have. So now I'm going to simplify it, but always remember that no child meets exactly the definition of anything.

But in general, here's what we look at. Autism. We see differences in social communication, in joint attention, and in flexibility when we're talking about language.

Language might be literal, scripted, delayed, or even advanced in specific areas of interest.

This is where we often seek a stalled style of language development, and the child is communicating, but they're doing it in ways that reflect how their brain is organizing language.

With ADHD, language is closely attied to regulation, and that is attention, impulsivity, and memory. This is where a child may understand what you said, but they don't act on it.

They might respond to quickly, they might miss the meaning, they might forget something they just knew moments ago, they might struggle to use the right words at the right time and in the right place.

And from the outside, it can look like they're being oppositional, they're not listening, they're overreacting, but underneath it's a processing and regulation challenge.

Now let's talk about the children who really struggle with social communication.

For them, vocabulary might be strong, grammar might be just fine, but interaction is hard. They struggle with reading social cues, such as, you know, when you look away and you expect somebody else to look away with you, or you put your head down and give the cue that this conversation is over and they don't get it.

Taking turns, so that would be, I talk you talk, I talk you talk, in a normal conversation, those can be really hard for our kiddos that have social communication issues.

They struggle to connect in the way that feels natural to others, they're communicating, but it doesn't always land the way they intend for it to land.

And then the next group is our kiddos that have sensory processing differences. And this one is important, because sensory overload can completely block access to language.

That overload can come from the many things we've already mentioned, too much talking, too much, it can also come from too much emotion in our voice, because their interpretation of the situation is going to be different.

This is when we see that kids stop listening, stop speaking, melt down or shut down.

And the key insight I want you to hold on to is that when regulation is off, the child's access to language drops off.

No matter how intelligent your child is, this has nothing to do with intelligence.

So now, let's connect this to behavior, because listening, language and behavior are all connected.

When we think about our brain, it always prioritizes safety first, and that safety is what the brain is understanding, not necessarily what's logical or true in the environment.

Its next priority is going to be to regulate itself. And communication is third.

Obviously, each of these steps can be broken down and added into smaller units, so this is a higher level overview.

So instead of asking, why are they acting like this?

We might consider that them ignoring us might mean that they're tuning out because they can't process.

Or their meltdown might be an indication that they're overloaded.

Let us switch to ask, what are they trying to tell me?

So when you say, go get your coat and your child screams, no, it's easy to think they're not listening.

But what if no meant something else?

It might mean, I'm not done yet. It might mean, that's not what I was expecting.

Or, I need the bathroom first. Or, I didn't understand.

Or, I'm overwhelmed. Or even, I heard you, but I can't process it right now.

That one word may have lots and lots of meanings for our kiddos.

But when we're talking about ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences and language processing differences,

we need to remember that the words that we hear are not always the message that they mean.

With this group, error on the side of assuming that your child is trying,

that there's something underneath, that their brain might not be ready in that moment.

Because when we jump to discipline, which increases stress,

it will actually reduce their access to language and reduce their ability to continue to process,

which means we shoot ourselves in the foot as parents. And I have done that.

We zoom out, step back, look at the whole child,

and if there's something that you're going to write down as a note from this episode,

write down the key phrase, what might be getting in the way of communication right now?

Now we're going to turn corner here, and I'm going to talk about some parents' strategies.

All of these strategies will be pretty familiar to you if you've been listening to the language of play over time.

But I try to consolidate a bunch in this section.

Before I go into this section, I want to go over the five core principles that we want to remember for all of our kids all of the time.

When they are struggling to communicate, these are the five core principles.

First one is lower the pressure, so less demand leads to more communication.

Pressure shuts it down. Safety invites it out.

The second one is building success before accuracy.

Clear speech comes from trying with successful attempts.

Not correct or perfect attempts, but successful attempts.

And that means for some kids that they were willing.

The third is supporting the whole child.

Because we can make speech connect to everything your child does,

whether we talk about movement, energy, emotions, regulation, all of it.

When we give words to our child's experience, it builds trust.

And then we want to have repetition that is meaningful.

So words grow when they are practiced in a joyful and real life setting.

And remember, you mums and dads matter more than perfection.

What you do every day helps tremendously for our kiddos.

They don't need perfect practice.

They need regular repeated practice from somebody who loves cares and believes in them.

With that as a backdrop, now we're going to talk about the strategies that you have heard if you've listened to this podcast for a while.

And so I will briefly go through them.

And then you can look up some of those keywords in the titles of the episodes.

And of course, if you ever want to dig deeper and you want to understand,

how does this pertain to my child?

You email me at hello at the language of play.

And I am happy to go over that with you.

And of course, now you can look at my website too.

So strategies that help our children with processing difficulties,

which includes kiddos with ADHD and autism.

These are some generic ones.

And of course, nothing is 100% for any one child because no one child meets any criteria 100%.

But here it is in general and you can decide what works for your kiddo.

Number one, regulation before communication.

That's part of the core principles.

Calm the body and that supports an open brain movement, pressure, taking a break,

getting some fresh air, and emotional validation.

All of that has to come first.

The second thing is predictable language routines.

Many kiddos that have processing difficulties rely on their routines

and the repeated phrases and structures to understand language and to grow language.

It creates safety and the feeling of certainty around them.

They are having some predictability, which reduces stress.

And it allows them to process smaller bits at a time because a lot of it is memorized and in the routine.

And this helps reduce anxiety.

So predictable language routines is two.

Number three, visual schedules and cues.

I cannot emphasize enough how much it helps our kiddos with processing difficulties.

If you have a visual support helping them understand words, helping them understand routines,

having pictures where words are hard, and then giving words to them.

All of those visual supports helps destress the situation because they can see what's going to happen

and they don't have to attach language.

The fourth thing, simplified input.

In other words, less words for a lot of these kiddos means that they understand more.

Short phrases, clear intent.

This means you think kind of like you do when you're looking up SEO and Google.

Think of the key phrases that are meaningful for what they need to do next.

When they are in a stressful situation, lessen your words, go right down to what they can understand for sure,

and make it shorter yet.

And then you can move them forward.

Particularly if you are in a situation where you need to get out of the house, like my coat example earlier,

instead of go get your coat on, if a child is in a high stress situation, maybe they're five years old,

you're going to zoom right down to two words, coat on, and then hold the coat for them.

Let them see or give them a picture of the coat.

And it will help them move to the next thing and understand the words better.

That way you reduce explanations and just give them the point.

Okay, number five, for kiddos that have trouble with processing, is choice-based communication.

Offering choices, invites participation, all of the time, doesn't it?

But only give them choices that both choices are allowed so they actually get to choose.

And it helps them to be confident and build their independence in their language,

that also reduces their resistance because they have a sense of power.

The sixth thing that I have learned that works well with our kiddos that are struggling to process

is to comment instead of question.

Questions demand some level of processing and a response.

And even when we're asking something simple, if they are somewhat full, like their cup is already full,

and you give them a question, it might put them over.

Commenting allows you to just model language without requiring performance from them.

Number seven, joint attention building.

That is sharing focus before expecting a response.

Maybe you're playing catch and you're both paying attention to the ball.

Maybe you practice with your child with a puzzle and you pay attention to what they are paying attention to.

And then we try to get them to start paying attention to what we're paying attention to.

And we do it visually, not just with language.

When we have kiddos that process differently and their language cup overflows quickly,

we need to stay in the visual as much as we can to add meaning and then add language to it.

And then the safe thing, I forgot my number here.

The eighth thing is have language building tied to motivation.

So language building becomes more fun.

Maybe they get sticks or something that they're going to put into a cup and they're going to be able to have something that they want.

Or maybe because you know your child, you tie their language to something you know that is motivating and helpful and loving for them.

Because we want language to be connection, don't we?

We want language to not be a barrier.

It's supposed to be something that connects, that encourages, that supports.

And in this context of processing difficulties, we're using all those strategies that I just mentioned, the one to seven.

And we're doing it for the purpose of what I have here number eight, which is we are building connection.

So if you can tie that language to something that's motivating to them, it will help them to have more fortitude, more wear with all in them to keep trying.

Some of you might be thinking that the strategies that I talked about are good for all kids at all times.

And yeah, that's true.

But today I am thinking specifically about what is helpful for our kiddos with processing difficulties.

And so it is in that context that I didn't say some other things, but I did say these things.

If I pull all of this together and try to simplify it into just a few statements, I would say this.

Let's move from getting compliance to building connection.

Remember that communication grows best in moments of safety and a shared purpose.

And parents don't need perfect strategies, just consistent and responsive strategies.

When you support regulation, simplify language and reduce the pressure, communication becomes possible for these kiddos that struggle with a process.

And behavior often improves naturally.

You don't have to battle with your child to teach language.

When you work with their brain instead of against it, communication becomes more peaceful and more effective.

And that is exactly what I teach in the coaching programs.

So if you are looking for specific help with your kiddo to figure out what specific skills do I need?

And how does the brain work in this situation?

And how do I do joyful practice daily throughout the day?

But keeping it joyful.

And how do I build the trust in my child and myself that we can turn a corner and make the progress we want?

If any of those questions are what you are dealing with, then absolutely check out my website or email me at helloatthelanguageofplay.com.

And I would be happy to talk about your kiddos situation with you.

And for lots of details, you can go look at the website and connect with me through there.

Thank you for listening today. I hope this was helpful.

And if it was, share it with somebody else too that would find it helpful.

And, of course, leave a review and comments.

Hey parents, I hope you found this episode helpful.

If so, would you please take 30 seconds and share it with a friend who also lives or works with children.

I would really appreciate it if you would leave a quick review for the show on Apple Podcasts.

I read every review and it lights me up to know that this show is making a difference.

Then come join my Facebook community where you'll meet other parents who are dedicated to helping their children grow too.

You'll find the link in the show notes.

Thank you for joining me. Now it's time to go.

Let's pop our kiddos in the strollers and go look around outdoors and see what we have to talk about.

Thank you.