#148 When 'My' Experience May Help Others 1

0:00Welcome to the Lucidus Podcast where I explore everything because I almost feel like I'm about to cry and I haven't even started because I know that everything is connected to everything else. I remember many times in my journey, I would be going through something so extremely difficult and I wouldn't want to, and many things, different things would inspire me to continue. It's hard to even talk. And one of them was, was it if there was a way for me to help others who might have to go through what I was coming through, I'm having a very physical reaction to this.

1:02So I just got home from working out and I got a text from someone saying they have a client that is going through a rape trial and they wondered if I had any advice for them as far as getting on the witness stand and one, just getting on the witness stand and then also, and specifically obviously for the defense. I mean, it's hard enough to actually tell the story, to say what happened, to speak that out loud is incredibly difficult, but then to have someone be able to do their utmost best, pay a lot of money oftentimes, to do their best to, as so many words come to mind, let's just say to prove you wrong, that is even more terrifying.

2:10So I sat there and I was like, it was kind of this moment where I thought, oh my God, like I said that and I meant it, but I also never really considered that it might happen. And so I sat there and I thought, what, how would you, what advice would I have, like how could I possibly convey that experience, the wisdom of that experience to another person? And then it's, you know, then it's also that moment where you think nobody else should have to go through that and that I'm also, I don't know who this person is, I won't ever know, but I'm also so proud that they chose to do this, I'm not saying everyone shouldn't be proud by whatever decision they make. So I'm not sure what I'm going to say yet and so I actually decided to do this podcast to help me to still down what might be the most concise and helpful, you know, bits

3:17and pieces. And what was interesting is as I was standing there reading the text thinking about what I say, a quote came to mind and it's one I've, I've shared, I don't know if I've shared it here, but I've shared with friends before and I think it's one of the most powerful quotes and I don't know that when I've shared it, I don't know that anyone I've talked, I've shared it with, really got it. And I really wish people could get it, it's by Ron Doss and I've heard him say it in a speech he gave, 80s or 90s, I think, 1980s or 1990s, I can't quite remember. And he said, what do you do, no, how do you bear the unbearable? How do you bear the unbearable? He was, when he was, what he was talking about was one of some people he knew was in reference to people he knew their daughter had been kidnapped, raped and murdered.

4:19And he said, what am, in his thing, he was like, what am I supposed to say to people who are bear, who are being asked to bear the unbearable? That is unbearable. But that quote came to mind, my own life bearing one of the unbearable things in my life was not just bearing the rape, but then also going through the trial process. And there were times where it was like, I cannot bear this, it is unbearable to me. And he said, so it, Ram Das said, how do you bear the unbearable? And he said, the part of you that cannot bear it needs to die. And here we are at death. I mean, death has been like, I feel like the last few weeks of my life have been all about the death process again, you know, constantly letting those parts of yourself die that need to die so that the parts, so that you can continue to live. So Ram Das had you bear the unbearable, well, the parts of you, part or parts of you that cannot bear it need to die.

5:21So as I thought of that, I thought, well, what parts of me died during that rape trial so that I could continue to bear it and continue to do what I needed to do, specifically getting on the witness stand. The, some of the, the biggest ones were societal, huge ones, the societal piece, which was, it was my fault. I did something wrong, I am bad, I shouldn't be attractive, sexy, female, like just right there, right off the bat. It's definitely something I said, something I did, somehow I dressed, somewhere I put myself, it was my fault, it was my fault that it happened and basically the defense was going to figure out how it was my fault. So those societal lies, those societal lies, the parts of me that believed those had to

6:25die, had to die. And it's interesting because even as I say it, they are dead and yet there are still, there are such powerful stories that I can tell that it's almost like a teeny little flame, a teeny little spark could light them back up and I, and I would believe it again. Those parts of me believed it was the way I dressed, it was what I said, it was where I was, it was what I did, it was, it was my fault, it was my fault. That was probably the first part of me that had to die and I'm telling you what, it's the last part to die, like it was so, that one is so ingrained and, you know, the next one is that somehow it is just sinful in and of itself to be a woman, to be attractive, to be sexy, you know, to want, or even, not even to be those, or even to want to be those, to express those, I mean, just like, you had to come in, you asked for it. So those were definitely some of the parts of me that believed those had to die.

7:30The part of me that believed, well, then it was like, in the meantime I had to bring things to life. Ram Das didn't talk about this, but I think he probably meant it was that when those parts of you die, other parts of you come to life, the things that came to life were I didn't deserve this. I deserve to say, to speak what happened. I had the right to be safe and respected in this body, on this planet, at this time. And so things, so there were definitely those big things that needed to die, other things that I needed to cultivate and grow and bring to life. I began with my voice, and I knew that I, it was so terrible, the thought of my voice speaking the story was, there was so much pain, there was so much grief, I was terrified.

8:36I was terrified to literally use my voice to say the words and to hear my voice and from my voice to be heard. That was terrifying. So I guess that was another part of me that had to die. The part of me that didn't dare speak had to die, and that was huge because I had been silent for many years about many things, I've been silent about many things in my life. So the part of me that was terrified to speak the words out loud. The part of me that was terrified to not be believed. The other thing I had to let die was the part of me that wanted to win. I knew that if I went into this and I had to win, that I would fail, meaning you can't guarantee winner lose, but to go into it. So I needed that part of me that wanted to win, I needed that one to die. In place of it, I found one that was like, I need to be heard, I need this, I need to

9:43be heard. I need to speak this story out loud. I need to speak the truth out loud, like because that I did have control over, right? I got to get on the stand and I got to speak with my voice the story of what happened out loud. So I did the part of me that wanted to win, the part of me that wanted like, sort of justice because you don't get to choose that, right? You literally are handing justice into strangers hands, like, you know, eight to twelve strangers are going to make up their own minds, and you don't have any control over that. So I had to let the win and lose go, that was another really hard part. And in place of that, you know, grow something that I did have control over, which was literally just speaking the story out loud. And believing in the truth of my experience and my words.

10:43The other thing, so I feel like there's a couple of things there that I can distill down for this person. And then the third one has to do with sort of being attacked. And fortunately at the pre-trial, the defense, like, practiced some of their tactics on me, but they didn't really get too deep and since it never fully went to trial, I didn't have to go through that, and I'm honestly very grateful. As I said, the attorney that was assigned, the attorney that the man that raped me hired is known to be one of the most vicious. So I was very grateful that I didn't have to go through that. But even in the pre-trial, having the defense tried to make it seem like it was my fault. It was again, it was just, it's similar to what I first started with, you know, the parts

11:48of me that believed to societal, but this feels personal. This part was more about, no, somehow when he was coming at me that I knew in my heart, I knew what happened and I knew what was true. And I was not going to allow him to skew or pervert the story in some way. And that was where I think I know meditation really helped because I would just breathe and just be like, don't play the game, you know, like, he's twisting that and I'd just say, no, you know, this, you know, or, you know, or I remember there are a couple of times he said something, it wasn't a question who's basically insinuating, and so I didn't respond because it wasn't a question, it was, it was like if I didn't respond to some comment

12:49he made, it was like, I didn't exist, that wasn't a question, you know, that isn't what this is. We're here to determine the facts and your insinuations are not fact and I'm not going to respond to that. So the last piece was like my personal responsibility to stay true to my story, true to myself and not get caught up in his games, and that interestingly enough, that part felt the easiest for me, which, which I don't know why, and I never, I never really thought about it, but that was the easiest, I would say the societal peace was insanely difficult to shed those beliefs, but I, I didn't have a doubt in me about myself and my experience, and it wasn't going to let this person manipulate or pervert the facts, and I, I was just careful,

13:58I was slow and careful about what I was going to answer, and how I was going to answer, and there were times where I would stop, he would ask a question, and I would realize this is kind of a weird, double-edged question, and I don't remember quite what the question is, was, but I remember at some point, he asked a question, and I said, I don't feel like that's a fair question, and, you know, and I was like saying like that's not like you're kind of just voicing it to the whole courtroom, like that's not really a fair question, and letting everyone know, like I recognize that he's trying to ask a question to like trap, and the judge said, okay, but I'd still like to hear your answer, and then I waited, and I think, I think that's when, it was interesting me, so I, so I thought, okay, I need to answer this question, how, so I just sat there for a minute, I was like, what, so I checked him, like, well, how do I want to answer this question? And I found an answer that was really powerful, and I realized I could, I could take this double-edged sword and actually

15:01make it bring it back to the truth, and right as I was about to speak, I think the defense attorney must have realized, oh shit, she's thinking, and she's come up with something, because I went, opened my mouth to speak, and he said, I withdraw the question, and I was like, smart man, it's a good thing he was through the question, because I thought, I brought it back, back to the truth, back to the answer. So that part was easier for me, but the societal thing, which is why this, why this is an interesting reflection for me is because I've spent too much of my life not, and I doubt myself enough, right? It's not that I don't have my own self-doubt, but I actually worry so much about what everyone else is thinking, pit one, whatever everyone else is thinking, period, and then what everyone else is thinking about me, period. And the host too, first of all, I got no control over them, so it's interesting

16:02that I would spend so much time, but wasted time, honestly. And two, that those were the hardest beliefs for me to let die, those were the hardest parts of me, to be willing to get up and know that all these people in the courtroom, the judge, the attorneys, the jurors, the public, whatever, even the rapist to sit in front of him was the terrifying. They're all going to have their own idea about me, and knowing full well that some of them might not believe me. That was hard for me to understand. I was like, how can they not believe me? And I was like, some of them really might not believe me, and be okay that everyone was going to have their own idea about me. And I could control some, I mean, I could act like a raging lunatic,

17:02which I didn't want to do anyway, but you know, I could control some by my ability to stop and think, say what I really wanted to say, not get pulled into the games, and make sure that my sort of like my, my plumb line, my through line, the golden thread, that I was staying true to that, which is, and was always just tell, just tell the truth, just tell the truth of what happened, just keep going back, when if he gets off onto something, just go back. This is what happened, that night in this way at that time. This is what happened that night in this way at that time. So, you know, just being clear, I am here to talk about what happened on this night at, you know, this is what happened that night in this time. I have, those, that was another big thing, is that I am not on trial. I felt like I was on trial. And I had to keep telling myself,

18:09I am not on trial. I am here to say what happened on this night. And then they're going to find that man guilty or not guilty. And so I had to keep reminding myself, because I felt like I was, I was guilty or not guilty as well. But somehow I would, you know, and it's very, it's very perverse what happens, you know, what society, what society has told us about rape as women. And I can't speak for men, but certainly as women, that it's so much our fault that I felt like I was on trial, that my character was on trial, that who I was, like that I was on trial. And I had to go, no, I, I am just here till the facts about one night. And then that man is going to be gone guilty or not guilty. I am not guilty. I am not, I'm just, I am not on trial. I am just here to speak the truth that what happened. So there's, and you know, this sounds really easy, but there's so much emotion,

19:17there's so much emotion, there's so much energy, there's so much fear. Yeah, it's, it's so not easy. But I do believe that every time a woman speaks, it'll out. It must, must change the fabric of the universe. It must, because the universe's energy, our voices, our energy, and we change, we change the energy. One, one voice at a time. It matters, it matters. And the fact that that somehow I hope, I hope, now that I've said all this, I hope that I can come up with some

20:23really helpful words. And maybe I'll share them on another podcast. And the reason I'm not sharing them now is because I was like, well, you know, I'm asking myself, and I hear the word, well, why didn't you just wait and share them then? And then it would have been a nice, really nice podcast because I remain true to the first directive I was given, which is share your journey. And I don't, my journey is not sterilized. It's, my journey is, this is my journey. In these moments right now, this is my journey. This is the depth and breadth of the weight, the beauty of my journey. Are these moments where something comes into my life? And I say, how, how can I, how can I hold this or not hold that, you know, this is, this is my journey. So I'm sharing my journey in real time. And yes, I, I will share the more concise, consolidated ideas that I come up with. But these moments where we stop, where I stop,

21:32and I receive what's been, what has come to me from the universe. And I say, okay, I remember making a commitment to myself, but I was really a hope. Can I help someone else? Is there a way that my experience could ease the pain or the pressure or the the loneliness, you know, that it's not the loneliness, the isolation that we often feel in those hard times, like where the only one in that isolation is so, especially when you're going through something that so few people have gone through, the isolation is like extreme because you're like, I can't, and nobody really understands this base I'm in, like so few people. And then on top of that, it's so different for all of us, right? So there, it's just an isolating

22:34experience, no matter what. So, so many experiences in life are very isolating, one, because so few people have been through it, and two, nobody else is you. So, you know, isolation is part of life's journey. But my biggest thought right now is, is just where I ended. I think it's so, it's so powerful in life to have a plumb line. And your plumb line, or my plumb line, don't go very far because my life has changed, always changing so much. But it doesn't mean I don't, you know, do you know guys know what a plumb line is? Look it up, it's really cool, it's like you drop a plumb line. It's a straight, it shows you the exact straight line, you know, shows you a straight line. And so I had a plumb line through the rave trial, took me a while to find it, but once I found it, I just kept going

23:36back to it, I just kept going back to my plumb line. This is what I can control, this is my truth, this is what I'm gonna do, this is what I'm doing, this is what I'm doing, this is what I'm doing. And all the chaos that would happen all around it, yes, it would blow me off course, and then I'd be like, okay, where's my plumb line come back? And even now in my life, I would say, I don't have a clear plumb line, I'm still sort of trying to draw threads together. I'm more like if you've ever combed or carted wool or linen, and then spun it, I would say I'm still in the carting phase, I'm still like combing it, trying to get everything untangled so that I can spin a nice thin thread, and then that would be my plumb line, what helped guide me. But I think having a plumb line in life is very, very helpful, because the other thing I'm starting to see is it's really easy to become complacent, it's so easy to become complacent, and sort of not do anything. You're busy, you can be very busy,

24:45but it's not the same as like conscious, visceral, lived, aware, present experience that allows for change. So a plumb line, and that's probably going to be where all star is. Is encouraging her and anyone else out there, whether you're going through a rape draw or not, is to gather near the threads of your life together, spin it into a nice straight plumb line, and begin to follow it. Obviously life is going to knock you off, and then you lose it and you realize it will that work for a while, okay? Well now let's look at what's happening in my life now, let's comb and cart the threads again, and spin a nice line, and this is our plumb line for now.

25:53I wish I could remember the quote about complacency. Something about complacency is just as much as you pretty much like giving your vote for whatever's happening right now. Like if you're not doing anything, then you're basically saying, yeah, whatever's happening right now is just fine. You can't remember, somebody has a much better quote than that. I think that's it, and I also think I hope that we all begin to understand the richness of our journeys, and that the richness doesn't lie in

26:55the outcome. You know, the richness isn't in the bulleted list of advice. It's these moments where we sit and consider all that's going on, and all the ways that life happens, and all the ways that we are connected. Loose it as to be clear, to be bright, lose it as because I believe in the ability to shine the light in dark places, and have a see what we haven't seen or haven't been wanting to see. And we talk about what we haven't been talking about, what needs to be talked about. Loose it as to be clear, bright, lose it.

28:03About all things, because everything's connected. I think if we could see all the infinite strings vibrating, and now it's just like this unending way of energy, we'd realize, oh, holy shit. Everything is in this together. Maybe one day I'll share my decent consciousness, but not yet. The book is coming along. I am struggling through a chapter on Destiny because she's so

29:07damn powerful and amazing, and also because she lives in a different dimension than we do, and so I've had to spend all this time really considering the cosmology and the way it's all set up. Because, of course, Destiny can see our whole life, so she doesn't, you know, she's in a dimension where she sees us, you know, she can see the eternity of our time and go, okay, well, this life is going to do this, right? So writing a very powerful chapter with Destiny, super excited about it. I'm also having to, like, draw on all my Irish ancestry, like all these old storytellers. I'm going to be like, come on, help me, help me write this amazing chapter about Destiny, so I'm calling my way, calling my back at my hands, my Irish ancestors, all these storytellers come, come, come, help me, help me, help me, as well as my very scientific ancestors come, come, help me create a cosmology that makes sense.

30:08I am not willing to create some, like, yeah, I got a cosmology. This, I want this, this, this, this is, my cosmology is grounded as deeply into our universe as I can get it. Sometimes my son's like, no, it's okay, it's like, it's sci-fi, or it's mad, and I'm like, no, no, like something in me is like, no, I know that I can ground this thing so, like, almost magically into our reality, where people like, damn, like, that's real. Like, I didn't, they're not even going to know it's real. They're going to be like, oh my gosh, like, what she's talking about is in sci-fi. It sounds sci-fi, but it's real, or it's, or it's as real as we understand, or it's like, it's, we think it might be true, but we can't prove it yet. So I'm playing in those spaces, where it's not, this is not a fantastical world. It is so deeply and so close to what we know,

31:09or we, we really think, anyway, which makes it tricky, which, which requires a lot with me. So my blunt line right now is, well, it's a bit rough, we'll just leave it at that. Okay, that's it. So I hope to get a chapter, that chapter, it's going to be long too. She has Destiny has a lot to say. The other great thing about this book is the characters. Oh, I do have a couple I need to get out. They're done. I just haven't recorded them. I'll get those two out. Two short ones. I'll get those out. Some characters have, don't have much to say. They're just like, this is all I need to say right now. And I am letting the book and the characters write itself, so to speak. And I got to Destiny and she's like, I got a lot to say. I was like, shit, okay. I got a lot to say, and you got a lot to figure out before I'm going to say it up. I'm like, okay. So that's where I got to read the book. So I'll get the two short ones that are

32:10done. I'll get those out this week. And then Destiny's, I bet she's at least two or three more weeks before I can get that chapter out. But it's going to be great. It's going to be great. So in the meantime, card and comb the threads of your life together. And then spin a beautiful thread. Call it your plum line. And stay true to it. See how long you can stay true to it. And I don't believe them forever, right? But if you stay, if you find a clear plum line, it will last. It will take you through a lot. And some plum lines can take you through your whole life. But even I don't know, maybe it depends on your life, I think. But in hard situations, having that clear plum line where you know what you're, what you do have control over and what you can do and stay true to that

33:15and giving the rest up. Just like, I gotta just let it go. You have to. You have to because it is unbearable. Can't carry it. That was another big thing was letting go of control. Oh, this is important. Letting go of control while knowing I'm not helpless. Because for me, there were so many times where it wasn't in control and I felt helpless and I slowly had to realize I am not in control and I am not helpless. Meaning, I'm not in control of what's happening. Does not mean I'm helpless. It means I don't have control. And I'm still here in this sovereign body, this sovereign voice, this sovereign mind. And I'm in charge right here, somewhat. I use those first loosely. So I'm not in control and I'm not helpless. That was another big lesson for me.

34:15And I think that's helpful for all of us because I think that's true for everyone, no matter what's going on in your life. You're not in control. You think you're in control. You're not. And you're not helpless. You're not in control and you are not helpless. And that's a big act. And that is not usually what we're taught. Is it if we're not in control, then we're helpless. And that was, that was definitely a familial pattern. There were a lot of control issues in my family, with from each of my parents, the control they wanted to have over us, with their relationship, each one of them trying to control the other. I control with a big, big, big thing in my family. So I got to look at it. And in some ways with my kids, times when I wanted or tried to, sometimes unconsciously control it, sometimes consciously, you know, out of fear, grief, any number of reasons, anyway.

35:19Okay. Good morning. And have a beautiful day.