1231: What To Do When Anxiety Won't Go Away

0:00Welcome to the Anxiety Coaches Podcast, a relaxing and informative show where we explore anxiety, panic, and PTSD, sharing how you can overcome them for life. Hello, how welcome back to the Anxiety Coaches Podcast. I'm your host and coach Gina Ryan, and I am so happy to be with you again today as together we can consider the many ways to bring your mind and body back to its natural peace and calm. In today's episode, we're talking about something I know many of you quietly carry. That feeling that your anxiety just isn't shifting. It seems like it just won't go away. Even though you're trying, even though you're doing the work.

1:03How many times have I felt this in the past when I was struggling? And how many times have I heard this from people that I work with? Very many. Not only does the shift not feel like it's happening, but sometimes it feels like we have gone backwards and we're right back where we first started. Now as a side note, I want you to know you are never back at square one. You are not even the same person you were when you began this journey, even if it was a few weeks ago. But that's a different topic for another episode. Just remember, you never go back to square one. Maybe you've been listening to this podcast. Maybe you've been listening to a lot of podcasts. Maybe you've been reading books, meditating, practicing, noticing, and yet it's still there.

2:07What is the it that I'm talking about? That tightness, that looping thought, that underlying unease, that mind that is going to the negative is it's first response. And a question starts to form when we feel like that. Why isn't this working or better yet? Why isn't this working for me? You hear that it works for other people. People have had success, lots of success. But why not you? What's wrong with you? That is not the right question. It is working, but you aren't tuning into it. If that's where you are right now, you are not alone. And more importantly, nothing has gone wrong. There's something very subtle that happens when we begin working with anxiety.

3:11At first we're hopeful. You know that feeling, that glimmer of hope that says, yes, there is something I can do. And I am not just broken in having to face life like this forever. It feels energizing light and bright. We're learning, we're open, we're hopeful. But over time, something quietly sneaks in. This is part of the process, so do not despair that you have gone about healing and soothing your nervous system in the wrong way. You have not, having that kind of let down, so to speak, is part of the process. And what is it that can sneak in on us? Well, it could be a timeline, an expectation that we have. It's easy to look back and say, hey, I should be further along by now.

4:15I want to be free of this struggle by XYZ time. We get a sense that I should be further along by now. That's a judgment, I should be something different than I am right now. And that thought alone, even if it's quiet, creates pressure, pressure in your nervous system. Because now, we're not just experiencing anxiety, we're measuring it. And this is putting expectations on something that is actually quite elusive. For example, true healing often arises from counterintuitive actions, such as embracing the struggle rather than fighting it. And we're not just experiencing anxiety, we're watching it. Remember, the watched pot, remember that watched pot?

5:16It never seems to boil, right? Stop watching your anxiety. And we're evaluating it. Evaluating or over-analysing our healing process often stifles it by imposing a linear intellectual and often impatient timeline on a journey that is inherently chaotic, emotional and non-linear. This kind of constant assessment creates a faster, better kind of mindset. And that leads us to a lot of frustration, pressure, and in some cases, the disruption of natural healing. And more stress and anxiety. And it puts us in the middle of that fear, adrenaline, fear cycle. We fear, we are doing it wrong.

6:19It's amazing when you are in anxiety, all of the different things that feed that cycle. Our fear of so many different things that we never even really pay attention to. We are trying to make sure it's going away is fear. And that ironically keeps it in place. Anxiety doesn't get unstuck because we push it out. It softens when the body begins to feel safe again. And safety doesn't come from urgency. Safety from urgency sounds a lot like George Costanza's father, Frank, in the hit TV show Seinfeld, screaming serenity now as a rage management technique. It's not going to feel safe in your body if you are pushing. If you are urgent, safety comes from allowing.

7:24From not needing the moment to be different. But when we're thinking, why is this still here? What is it that I'm doing wrong? Oh my gosh, when will this go away? The body hears this as something is still wrong. And it stays activated. And by activated, I mean, it stays alert. It is scanning the horizon and not because you're broken, not because you did something wrong, because your body is doing what it should to keep you safe. It's focusing on any danger that could be right around the corner. And this is why we want to activate safety. And something is still wrong is what our body hears, right? And so the body stays activated as it should.

8:29It feels like a cycle we can't get out of, but we can. I promise you, you can. You are not failing, but your system is working for you. It is so fine tune to being a survivor that it is picking up on everything. And scanning that horizon, making sure that it is keeping you safe, so safe, that even when you think things like, why am I still here? What's going wrong? When will this go away? It picks that up as something is wrong and you are in danger. So we need to have something different, a gentle reframe. Thanks, Air doctor, for sponsoring today's episode. You know, since I recently moved into a new home, air quality has been something I've been thinking about a lot more. I found Air doctor online when I was looking for a way

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10:32at airdoctorpro.com. A-I-R-D-O-C-T-O-R-P-R-O.com using promo code ACP. What if we stepped out of that loop of that kind of thinking, of being worried that you're still in the same place or worse back to square one, or worried that you're doing things wrong, or that you just haven't found the right answer yet? Can you keep searching? Remember that searching also is keeping your body activated in fight or flight. So again, what if we stepped out of that loop just for a moment? What if nothing needed to change right now, not forever, not for the whole day, just right now? Can you feel that? What if nothing needed to change right now?

11:34Feel that in your body. Feel yourself exhale. Your shoulders drop, your jaw loosened, and maybe your forehead relax. What if this moment, as it is, is allowed? It's like taking a break from having to control the healing. This doesn't mean that you are liking the feelings that you have or the discomfort that you're feeling. You don't like it. It doesn't mean that you want it and that it should be there forever. No, it doesn't. Also, it doesn't mean that you're giving up. It means that you are no longer adding resistance to what is already here. The discomfort is already here. And something very subtle can begin to happen here. When you are saying

12:37that you're gonna take a break from controlling the healing just for this moment, even just right here with me today, see if you can just let it be okay. Allow this moment, all of the discomfort that you're feeling. You're just going to remove the resistance. And again, this can bring about a very subtle change. The body begins to soften. Not all it wants, but a little, and then a little more. It can be so subtle that you might not notice anything at all and that's okay. Change often happens slowly, but surely. And this is where a lot of us get tripped up. We think because we don't have evidence

13:38that what we're doing is working that we're going in the wrong direction. We live in a culture that everything is immediate. We don't have to wait for much in life. We don't have to work without evidence or results much at all. Everything is instantaneous, but I'm telling you your body is not working like that. It cannot have demands put on it and feel relaxed at the same time. It wants to help you, but it needs to feel safe in order for everything to be working full steam ahead. People used to ask me when my last panic attack was, and if I could tell them about it, and honestly, I never had a clear answer. The calming of my nervous system

14:39and the softening of my reactions in life have been so gradually that I couldn't pinpoint when the, quote, last panic attack actually was. Whenever that moment came and went, it came and went without me even realizing it. And this can be your case also. You will look back someday and it is very subtle the changes. Yeah, sometimes we take big leaps forward. We have a breakthrough or something dramatic happens. Yeah, that can happen too. But I'm telling you for the most part because your body needs to feel safe in order to do this healing so that your amygdala can stand down, you are not going to notice it. It's going to be slight, so don't give up on yourself. Whatever it is, you're doing your recipe

15:41that you have put together for yourself, for your journey through this healing process, keep going. So you might begin to ask like, what does progress really look like then? Progress with anxiety is often misunderstood. We think that it means I don't feel anxious anymore or like when people would say to me, when was your last panic attack? Maybe you don't have panic anymore. Maybe you just have feelings of anxiety or high stress. But more often than not, healing really looks like progress really looks like. I feel anxious, but I'm not as afraid of it. Now don't be afraid of this thinking, oh my God, so I have to feel like this forever. I just won't be afraid of it. No, but not being afraid of it is where your body gets to disengage from this clenching on of needing to keep you

16:48out of danger. And when that happens, this is truly a miracle because you soften, but first you must not be afraid of feeling the feelings. That has to come first. Otherwise you are feeding the loop, the fear adrenaline, fear loop. Or it could also be like you're thinking, it's still here, but I'm not fighting it in the same way. That's real change. That's real nervous system healing. And it's often so quiet that we totally miss it. So let's take a moment together. And you can do this now or you can come back and do this later, but I want you to just pause and take in a breath, be with the breath. Why not use this time when we're together

17:51to take that breath in and to let it out slowly? And ask yourself gently, what is here right now? No fixing, no changing, I just want you to notice what is here right now in your moment. And then I want you to say to yourself, can I let this be here just for this moment? Even a small yes is enough. If your anxiety feels stuck right now, it doesn't mean that you're doing this wrong. It may simply mean that your system is asking for less pressure, less urgency and a little more space. Nothing has gone wrong.

18:52You haven't fallen off the path. You're still on the path going forward. We're doing this together one foot in front of the other in safety, in allowing and being with what is here right now without needing to fix it, change it or making it go away. And before we end today, just a gentle reminder, we're not trying to fix anxiety. We're learning how to be with it differently. And with that, everything changes. I appreciate you being here with me today. You know how you can find me and I love hearing from you. So drop us a note in the email or on the website. Let me know how you're doing. Ask a question.

19:53We'd love to put your ideas out here on the show so that other people can learn from what your struggle is or your question. Head on over to anxietycoachespodcast.com. And now for today's quote, peace comes from within. Do not seek it without and that's from the Buddha. I'll be back in a few more days with another podcast until then, be well and aloha. Thanks so much for joining us for today's episode of the anxietycoachespodcast. Find more information at the anxietycoachespodcast.com.